Chapter Eight - Relationships

Part Two

Chapter Eight Relationships

If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships - the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace — Franklin D. Roosevelt

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About Relationships

Relationships are the bedrock of the human society. They are the primary forces that drive the world and give us an identity of a civilized community. Relationships begin the day we are born. As an infant your mind is initially influenced and moulded by the primary people you know. When your needs such as food, care, protection, stimulation, and social contact are met by someone, usually beginning with the mother, or a nurse, you begin to understand the value of that relationship. The human mind begins to create a pattern of expectations based on how we are treated from our infancy. As you grow and begin to relate to the others, your mind begins to develop its own perspectives and moulds your own behaviour. The experiences with your parents, your siblings, your neighbours, your classmates at school and college, your teachers, the people you work with, your romantic partners, and all the people you meet alongside your journey in life; all of these become the determining factors in how you finally relate to the society.

Relationships are the key factors on how happy and satisfied we are in our lives, and thus they are the cornerstones around which our entire experiences in the world are built.

Relationships can be of varied nature beginning with familial relationships which include parent-child-sibling-inter and intra family relationships, social relationships which include relationship with friends and acquaintances, romantic relationships which involve intimacy, and work-related relationships which involve associations with co-workers, business partners, client relations and allied parties.

Whatsoever the nature of a relationship may be, aspects such as trust, reliability, stability, and satisfaction with the relationship, become the core of maintaining and continuing the same. All

relationships are based on three central aspects. How rewarding is the relationship? What costs are involved in a relationship? What are the expectations of the parties involved, in a relationship? Once these three aspects of relationships are clearly understood, the relationship is more defined and would either strengthen overtime or weaken and dissipate, as the case may be. However, strong relations work well in creating emotional balance in people ensuring a higher degree of happiness and satisfaction with the same, while relationships that are compromised can be detrimental to everyone involved creating disharmony. Thus, relationships are the key to the sustenance and progress of the world.

He who knows the universe and does not know himself, knows nothing

— Jean de La Fontaine

Types of Relationships

•Relationship with the Self

•Relationship with the Others

•Relationship with the Spirit

Relationship with the Self

How much do you love, care and value yourself?

Self-love is the basis of all relationships we otherwise have in our lives. Your happiness and satisfaction with yourself determine the

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relationship you have with yourself and are the most valuable aspects of your personality while also determining how you relate to everything and everyone else in your life. Agreed most of us are and have been conditioned to live either by our family or our teachers or some other influences. But we need to introspect and understand ourselves and see what values and opinions are unique to ourselves. There is no greater dignity than independence and defining yourself and loving yourself unconditionally make the actual you.

There are several aspects of our lives that we don’t control, like where we are born, to whom we are born, our colour, race, faith, language, how we look, and such other things. But there are things that we can fully take charge of, about ourselves.

Like what we can do to improve ourselves, how we can be more healthy, how we can perfect our abilities and stand out among the others. No one is born an achiever, even if they are born to the richest parents, and no one is a failure even if born in the most impoverished communities. It is what one makes of his life that determines his stature in the world. When you value and respect yourself, about what you are, how you are, what you do, what you are capable of and how happy you are with yourself, you begin to understand how important you are. And everything you do, your perception of the world, of the society you are in, in fact life itself appears more beautiful.

How do you Love yourself?

The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have — Jane Travis Simple examples of your self-love can be shown in actions that you take when you are wanting to look better, wanting to be

healthier, wanting to do more in your work, in your family, in your society, and in general wanting to be more acceptable and recognised in the world. When you set a routine of waking up on time, exercising, grooming yourself to perfection, wearing the perfect clothes, and setting yourself to do something, preparing yourself for a challenge, demonstrate self-discipline, etc., you are displaying self-love.

Also doing the things that you love, savouring your favourite food, buying yourself special gifts, visiting the places you wanted to, decorating your living, and working spaces with the colours, textures and scents you love, and generally pampering yourself, are also indication of your self-love. When people begin to watch your actions in the way you carry yourself with poise and confidence, you naturally become more attractive to them.

When you focus on your own positive qualities and admire them yourself, the Law of Attraction is invoked to show you greater things about yourself. You must know that everything you feel and perceive is purely from your perspective. You must constantly remember that you are bigger than anything you care about in life. You must know that you are more precious than anything you own. Everyone and everything that come into your life is only after you. Know your own importance and you will understand that you are irreplaceable. Be yourself and inevitably you can be what you want to be.

When you Don’t love yourself Enough

Very often we find people constantly complaining, not only about everything around them, but also about themselves. When you neglect yourself, have a low self-esteem, and hate certain qualities that you possess, you constantly feel guilty, betrayed, and displeased with yourself, and you would definitely feel isolated and become lonely.

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You would also be dissatisfied and unhappy since you unconsciously cut off the love you deserve and attract bad elements to yourself making you feel further bad and worser. When you continuously blame others, complain about things, and keep whining, you are also isolating yourself from the good things in your life and from the good people who can be helpful to you. People do not like to be around sad, unhappy, unhealthy, untidy, low esteemed, complaining, condemning, and disgusting people, who not only do not care about themselves but criticise everything in the world. Such attitude shows that you disrespect yourself and everyone, and you reject any possibilities of positivity in your life. So, the first thing to do in order to be happy with yourself, be loved and be respected is to care for and respect yourself unconditionally and show it to yourself and the world that you care. When you care for yourselves, you care for the world.

All the time that Madhu remained in marital relationship with Venu, she was never given proper treatment and neither cared for nor was loved but exploited and disrespected miserably. Her son also was miserably treated. Her experiences were nothing but full of sadness and sorrow. But when she realised that if she kept complaining about her emotions, she was only getting lonelier. So, she gradually accepted that into her life and began to look at life more positively. She began to show more care for herself in improving her education, her capabilities, and her household duties and in taking care of her son.

As she vigorously worked to make herself happy and keep herself satisfied, she realised that she possessed a great inner strength. She discovered how happy she felt when she began to demonstrate the self-love, she developed for herself, so much so that even Venu was astonished. All the misgivings, ill treatments and ill health soon flew over her as she simply ignored these negative aspects of her family life. She did her duties sincerely as

a spouse and a mother and committedly fulfilled all her roles and responsibilities. She also improved her professional performances and gradually was able to redefine herself as an extraordinary woman with great spirit and strength. Even after her separation and living as a single mother, she only showed more attention to her son who gradually grew to imbibe most of these qualities, which in turn helped him become a dynamic personality.

Relationship with Others

How we define our relationships with everyone else in our lives is dependent on how well we define ours with our own self. A strong familial relationship from an early stage in life usually goes a long way in determining how we develop relational perceptions. All relationships are based on the premises of love, companionship, care, bonding, trust, support, and security for the ones involved. All relationships have an immense impact on psychological, emotional, and social makeup of human beings.

Each type of relationship passes through various phases from early childhood to adolescence, from young adult stage to old age, and each phase of relationship transforms continuously based on the type of relationship and on mutual expectations and attitudes towards partners.

Though the present age seems to contravene the established order of familial and personal relationships to a certain degree, bulk of the world society still follows the traditional marital relationship model which has proven to be the strongest of all relationships and thus becomes an important part of our social structure. A great relationship can give you a happy, fulfilling, and exciting experience and a meaningful and purposeful existence.

Several reasons exist for people to come together and establish relationships. For instance, sharing a common goal can

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define the purpose and health of the relationship and what it can lead to. However, one has to be mindful of certain factors that can cause a relationship to be either successful or a failure and lay out their lives accordingly.

Important Factors in a Relationship

In order to understand the important aspects of a relationship, we have to first determine the kind of relationship that is in question. What is your aim in getting into a relationship with someone? In the question of intimate relationships around which most of this topic’s focus is, is it a long term or a short-term relationship you are looking at?

Are you looking for a marital relationship or just a temporary arrangement such as an indefinite live-in relationship? Once the kind of relationship one is aiming at, is determined, other factors will kick in to take the bonding to the next stage. Irrespective of the nature of the relationship however, certain aspects remain largely common to most relationships and help to maintain their stability.

Compatibility - This is the foremost aspect of a relationship. Usually when relationships are made, each of the partners must have proper understanding of their personal requirements and expectations from the other and must offer no ground for any possible conflict. Easier relationships are made when partners come from similar backgrounds, such as belonging to similar economic, linguistic, cultural, or professional backgrounds, have similar tastes and understanding of each other's personalities and family backgrounds. In doing so they have a reasonable understanding of their partners' lifestyles, traditions, professional requirements, and such aspects and find it easier to accommodate themselves into their lives.

Partners with different backgrounds, different aims, thought processes, and different goals can display conflicting attitudes and can find it extremely challenging to adjust with each other, causing the relationship to crack or fail. So, partner compatibility is essential when a relationship is struck, and becomes the foundation of the entire endeavour.

Respecting each other, understanding, accepting as they are, expressing love, appreciation, gratitude and thinking of each other as a team; not as 'you versus me,' rather 'you plus me are one.' The understanding that working as one team in life, works wonders, bringing about immense value and togetherness, whether it is with a couple, parents, siblings, children, friends or even teams at work.

Attitude - The attitude of partners in a relationship to each other becomes vital in taking it to the next level. Showing proper love, care, affection and attention, spending time with each other, displaying trust, respect, honour, and commitment to your partner are quintessential elements of lasting relationships.

Trust - A relationship based on complete trust between partners will have the maximum strength and will last for a long time. In fact, trust is the primary factor that holds a lasting bond between partners. When there is sufficient trust, the relationship will have a strong resilience to any other factors that can shake the foundation of the relationship such as a financial dispute, or a disagreement of some other nature. Loyalty, honesty, dedication to your partner and actions based on the same are central to demonstrating the trust factor between partners.

Having Realistic Expectations - What are your expectations from your relationship? Having reasonable expectations from a romantic relationship will ensure longevity and a stronger relationship. Partners must attempt to understand each other completely and accept each other’s shortcomings rather than have unreasonable

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demands and expectations which can turn the bond into an incompatible relationship and cause it to fail and cause subsequent breakups. Love and intimacy cannot be demanded. They have to be demonstrated through words, expressions, and thoughtful actions.

Having too many expectations can put a partner in stress and put an unhealthy pressure on a relationship. All through, one must make their partner feel loved, accepted, and valued while strongly relating to each other emotionally. Unfair and nonrealistic expectations can cause either of the partners to crash and could lead to unsavoury consequences.

Invest time for deeper relationships, not on addictions or ways of exploitation in the name of love or marriage or some benefit. Rather understand who is in your room, which means in your life, in your mind; and make the right choices about it.

At times partners even have to compromise, to allow the bond to work. A healthy and successful relationship always lies within mutually fair expectations and works a long way in bringing happiness and success to the relationship.

Communication – One of the key factors to a relationship is having the right communication. When there is the right degree of communication between partners, a meaningful emotional connection is maintained between them. Each of them makes the other partner valued, respected, and loved, which add to emotional fulfilment. They feel completely accepted and coexist peacefully with the right degree of happiness and contentment. In a strong romantic relationship, both the partners must be quite communicative with each and express their wants, desires, shortcomings, problems, challenges and state their feelings clearly. This also leads to understanding their mutual compatibility and works progressively on the relationship.

Open conversational communication should always be valued in any relationship. Lack of it will inevitably ruin it. When partners in a relationship know what they want from each other, and can comfortably express their needs, desires and fears, trust and respect are naturally built, strengthening the relationship, letting it last for a long time perhaps even for a lifetime.

Commitment - How committed are you to the relationship? Having a strong sense of responsibility to a relationship demonstrates your commitment to the same. Committed partners work for the common goal of making their relationship work. A proper commitment lays out a framework of actions between them which when appropriately followed allow the relationship to progress meaningfully. Commitment is again reflected in your trust, respect, love, and honesty to your partner.

When you are committed to a relationship, you would venture to accept certain shortcomings in your partner and adapt yourself to the same. Commitment also leads to a greater sense of security in a relationship which is an essential part of the bond. Committed partners should voice out their expectations to each other in the beginning of a relationship itself, which can cause lesser conflict in the future. Loyalty to your partner is one of the main aspects of your commitment. However, in a successful relationship, partners must allow each other a certain sense of freedom. Toxicity arises in a relationship only when it is based on subordination. When one of the partners begins to display control, it leads to feelings such as emotional dependency, and being trapped, and causes needless frustration, weakening the relationship.

Other Aspects – Also several other factors determine the meaningfulness, the longevity, the happiness, and success of a relationship. Factors such as giving each other time, regular conversations with each other, understanding and sharing

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responsibilities, displaying gratitude, having sufficient physical intimacy, respecting, and understanding each other’s emotions and supporting them, acceptance etc., are important to a relationship. Also, being prepared for sudden changes in their lives such as a temporary loss of a job, a change of employment, a new business proposition, a business pressure, or a financial crisis, loss of someone close, and such others, also can have a grave impact on relationships. However, when all factors are appropriately balanced by committed partners, relationships add value and meaning to our lives, making us happy and satisfied and setting us as examples to others.

Amid any unexpected or extended challenges of a multidimensional relationship across the familial, social, and personal frontiers, if you are still happy, it means you are happy with the one relationship that matters most to you. And that one happy relationship will give you the strength to overcome all the challenges in all the other aspects of your life. And if you are unhappy or dissatisfied with your life, it is possibly because the one relationship that matters to you is in turmoil. And that could ruin you.

Relationships are like small plants, which once have germinated, must be nurtured, by spending time, energy, love, and commitment. If you have invested sufficient resources in a relationship, all the expectations that might come up will still be managed. If a relationship is neglected it gives rise to unsavoury expectations which become unmanageable and ultimately destroys the relationship. Hence nurturing relationships is most essential for a healthy, peaceful, and successful life.

Relationship with the Universe

You are a creation of the universe, and thus it fully relates to you and understands everything of you. However, it does not impose on you to think or act but gives you the free will and responsibility

to do so. Thus, we become products of our own thought and action. Happiness or unhappiness, success or failure, health or sickness, wealth, or poverty, and all such essential elements of our lives actually lie in our hands, and the universe exists to ensure that, for it has created you and takes the responsibility to listen to you and act accordingly. The universe is always in action, like the law of gravity, whether you believe it or not.

Just as you value your relationship with yourself and the others, you must respect and value your relationship with the universe. It is your guiding spirit and the consciousness that drives everything in creation. You must learn to bow to it and respect it, revere it, converse with it, and abide by it.

In order to foster and savour your relationship with the universe, you must first connect to it. You connect to the universe by first asking it what you desire, what kind of relationship you wish to manifest, and what you are willing to take up to achieve the same. Your thoughts should lead to actions. Start by accepting responsibility to yourself and to everyone around. Be grateful for everything you have. Stop criticising people or cursing a situation. If you have had a bad experience, stop thinking about how terrible it was but rather be happy that it did not get any worser. Thank the spirit that you are alive and be grateful instead of condemning and feeling sorry and bad for what you went through.

Start visualising the person you wish to have a relationship with. First establish if the person you chose is a realistic goal. Lay out the various steps you would need to reach the person. Do you have the necessary strength or capability to reach out to the person? Ask the universe. What does it take to reach the person? When you are clear with your intention, its very power makes the universe work out the magic for you and lead you to your goal. When you ask, ensure you do it with complete faith. And it will work. The universe that has created every speck in creation has also

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created you for a purpose. Life as you see it is entirely as you see. You make it, you break it.

A strong connection with the universe, the universal spirit or consciousness or God, or whatever you call it, gives you great strength, confidence, peace, resolve, energy, emotional strength, and direction to help you with your pursuits.

When you speak to the universe, you receive enlightenment, fresh perspectives, see newer opportunities, and renewed strength to pursue them. Learn to identify and recognise the signs the universe sends your way and work accordingly. Prayer and meditation, along with visualisation, work very well as the instruments of connecting with the universe. Inculcate them in your routine and follow them religiously every day. Each day you will discover a newer strength and sense of direction when you do so. It is the universe giving. Be prepared to receive and in turn develop the practice of giving. As you give so shall you receive. Believe and you will receive.

The Journey to receive love from the universe starts with loving yourself unconditionally

— Dr. P. Madhurima Reddy

Dr. P. Madhurima Reddy