MarriageToday Magazine - Spring 2008

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back to

the garden?

inside: Special sneak preview of Jimmy Evans’ upcoming new book, The Fig Leaf Conspiracy

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Karen Evans on the art of romance

spring

2008

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an unforgettable anniversary

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Brenton Evans exposes a marriage killer

by Jimmy Evans

the devil has used sexuality as a tool to deceive and shame men, women and children. In our present culture, the onslaught of sexual deception and temptation is greater than at any other time in history. You need only turn on the television and flip through the channels if you doubt that assertion.

So what is the answer? How do we get back to God’s original plan for sexuality? Finding liberating answers to those questions is the very focus of the book, The Fig Leaf Conspiracy.

The biblical truths we will discuss enable us to be healthy individuals, whether we are single or married. These are truths every married couple needs to understand if they are to have a happy, fulfilling marriage relationship. And, teaching these truths to children and teenagers is in essence, inoculating them against the lies of the enemy and protecting them from the devastating consequences of sexual deception and perversion.

To understand these truths, we must see things from God’s heavenly perspective (we’ve already started that process).

Then, we must fully grasp the devil’s strategy to pervert and destroy God’s pure and wonderful intention for sexuality (more on that a little later). We also must investigate how The Fig Leaf Conspiracy touches every person’s life and the practical steps we can take against it taking hold in our lives and the lives of our children.

It is vitally important to understand that God created us to be sexual. It wasn’t by accident. Sexuality was something He programmed in us for His highest purposes. He doesn’t blush or frown in disgust when we talk appropriately about sex, or talk to Him about it. He is not embarrassed or ashamed when a married couple engages in sex. He is not disappointed in a husband and wife who enjoy physical intimacy. Quite simply, we are a sexual people because God made us to be that way.

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He created sexuality — and He declared that everything He created was “very good”! To be whole and free individuals, we must embrace this truth: Sex is an integral part of our makeup. And as such, it is also central to God’s purpose for our lives.

During the time of the so-called “Sexual Revolution” a song was written that became an anthem of sorts for the ideology of unlimited “freedom” and sexual promiscuity. In hindsight, some of the words to that song are rather startling: “We are stardust, [billion year-old carbon] We are golden, Caught in the devil’s bargain.

And we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden.” (“Woodstock,” Joni Mitchell, ©1969) Along with the idea that we evolved over billions of years, these words send the message that we can somehow redeem ourselves from the “devil’s bargain” that brought shame and fear upon the human race.

Of course, we cannot redeem ourselves.

Only the spotless blood of God’s beloved Son could pay the price for sin, and give us an entrance into fellowship with God. Still, these words seem to acknowledge that something precious was lost when sin brought the “devil’s bargain” into this earth. They express the heart-cry of so many people to “get back to” the beautiful world that existed before sin brought fear, shame and corruption into the earth.

Sadly, the message of the sexual revolution was the same message the devil had whispered to Adam and Eve in the Garden: that God and His laws were standing between

people and true sexual fulfillment or enlightenment. This message from the enemy explained that the way for people to experience freedom was to throw off the “shackles” of God’s morality, and live for their own selfish desires.

As was the case with Adam and Eve, this thinking did not lead anyone “back to the Garden.” It did not result in the freedom, beauty or fulfillment the devil promised. Like all sin, it led only to devastation and death. We clearly see the results of that deception and destruction in our culture today.

It is true that God created sex as a beautiful gift, to bring joy and pleasure to His people, and to fulfill His purposes in the earth. Even sinners seem to understand sex is intended to be something wonderful as they struggle in their own fallen way to find the path “back” to sex as God intended it to be.

It is heartbreaking to consider how the devil uses that inner longing to drive people further and further away from God’s plan, through sin and deception.

The good news is this: there is a way “back to the Garden” for those who know God and are redeemed through the blood of His Son. When Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins, He redeemed us and made a way for us to “get back to” the covenant of blessing and peace that God originally planned for us. When we walk with God and understand His principles, we can live the way that He originally designed us to live: free from fear and shame. Fulfilled in our sexuality.

I call this way of living “Shameless Sexuality.”

When we live in shameless sexuality, we experience sex the way God intended. A lifestyle of shameless sexuality is a lifestyle of victory, free from bondage, torment and fear.

It is possible for us to live this way, even in the midst of a very fallen world. We can abstain from sex until married; then, we can experience sex in marriage as a paradise of joy and fulfillment.

There is no denying that the world is very dark. We are surrounded by the results of the Fall, and temptations bombard us from every side. But we can live above the ways of this world. We can live in God’s purposes and love as He intended.

How? By incorporating six simple principles into our lives.

Taking these practical steps will help us avoid temptation and live successfully in this fallen world.

We have two words for the gracious Corporate Pacesetters of MarriageToday’s national banquet…

thank you!

Loree and Martin Bradley Alpha Omega Accounting Solutions

Debbie and Senior Pastor Robert Morris Gateway Church

Rajan and Steve Trafton Cenveo-Trafton Printing

Cindy and Bubba Cathy Chick-Fil-A

David Middlebrook Anthony and Middlebrook PC

Glenn Billingsley Bank of the West

Vicki and Barry Tipton Goodlanddeals.com LTD

The Grubbs Family Grubbs Infiniti

Karen Meredith Meredith & Associates

Chuck Anderson R3 Strategies Thank you, Corporate Pacesetters, for caring about marriages and standing with us as we strengthen families and restore the dream of marriage in our nation.

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Editor’s note: You can discover these six principles to help you live victoriously in the area of sex when you preorder/order Jimmy Evans’ brand new book, The Fig Leaf Conspiracy. For more information visit marriagetoday.com/store.

marriagetoday.com

An invitation from Jimmy Evans: There is only one way to receive the monthly Rock Solid Marriage resource.

It is by joining the ranks of a very special group of couples who value the teaching and encouragement that comes through MarriageToday and who understand the power and importance of sharing the material blessings God has given them.

I call them my Rock Solid Partners.

Today, I would like to extend a special invitation for you to join this remarkable group of folks.

It’s our freshest, most exclusive marriage-building resource.

Are you getting it?

We call it Rock Solid Marriage. It’s a powerful monthly marriage resource created exclusively for a special circle of friends—MarriageToday’s Rock Solid Partners. These are friends who pledge $25 or more per month to the vital work of this ministry.

The Rock Solid Marriage resource is an insightful and encouraging audio CD along with notes and inserts to help keep your marriage healthy and blessed. Say yes to this level of partnership and you’ll also receive these special gifts along with your first monthly issue: Twelve Tips to Resolving Stress in Your Marriage book by Jimmy Evans [a $14.95 value].

How to Build Lasting Romance, Intimacy & Sexual Fulfillment in Your Marriage, 3-CD series by Jimmy Evans [a $24.95 value].

MarriageToday coffee mug The Secret of Being Best Friends CD teaching—your first in the Rock Solid Partner Program.

Join the ranks of the Rock Solid Partners right now by completing the appropriate portion of the attached reply envelope, or join online at marriagetoday.com/RSP.

What does it mean to be a Rock Solid Partner? Two things. It means stepping up to a higher and more consistent level of partnership involvement in the ministry of MarriageToday. And it means enjoying some special benefits.

Isn’t it time for you to join this special group?

—Jimmy Evans

by Jimmy Evans

Marriage in America The battle for marriage in America has many fronts. The reality is, in whatever arena marriage is under attack, there we must be prepared and equipped to defend it.

Of course in one sense, it is very much a spiritual battle, and therefore our highest and most effective response must be to pray. We need to pray for the marriages of our family members, friends and neighbors. We must pray for our national leaders as well. When God’s people intercede, heaven responds and good things happen.

The media is also a major front in this battle. That is why MarriageToday is committed to using every medium at our disposal to bring couples help and hope as we fight to restore the dream of marriage for millions. And you are very much a part of all this through your partnership and support.

Nevertheless, there is no question that the political arena is also another major area in which we must be vigilant. The fact is, state-by-state and cityby-city, much will be at stake as voters go to the polls this year. The following are just a few examples—compiled by the United Families International— of places and ways in which marriage is in play around the country.

Arizona: Marriage backers may push for a 2008 ballot measure.

California: The attorney general’s office recently approved the California Marriage Amendment for circulation as a citizen petition.

The Voters’ Right to Protect Marriage Initiative committee supporters have begun the work of gathering 694,354 valid signatures to qualify the amendment for the 2008 ballot.

Florida: Backers of Florida4Marriage are within striking distance of qualifying a state constitutional marriage amendment for the 2008 general election ballot. They have collected signatures in excess of the 611,009 needed, and additional signatures are being collected to cover for those names that are disqualified by the state.

Ohio: The Ohio Supreme Court ruled last July that the state’s domestic violence laws do not conflict with the state’s protection of marriage. In a 6-1 decision, justices rejected an argument that the domestic violence law was unenforceable in cases involving unmarried couples because it refers to them as living together “as a spouse.” In his written opinion, Chief Justice Thomas Moyer wrote that lawmakers included many groups under the

domestic violence law, and that describing people’s living arrangements isn’t the same as creating a law approximating marriage.

The marriage amendment prohibits the government from creating any such approximation.

Oklahoma: Two lesbian couples challenged the federal Defense of Marriage Act in a federal court in 2004. Mary Bishop and Sharon Baldwin had a church-recognized commitment ceremony in Florida in 2002, and then tried to have a civil marriage here.

Susan Barton and Gay Phillips had a Vermont civil union performed in August 2001, went to Vancouver, British Columbia, to get married in May 2005 and then tried to get the U.S. Government and the State of Oklahoma to recognize their civil union and their marriage.

Cait O’Darling is challenging the constitutionality of the state’s 2004 marriage amendment and seeking to validate the same-sex “marriage” partnership she entered into in another country by having a divorce recognized in Oklahoma.

Rhode Island: Pro-marriage groups have filed amicus briefs with the Rhode Island Supreme Court contending that the Family Court may not recognize, for the purpose of entertaining the Chambers-Ormiston divorce petitions, the Massachusetts marriage of two Rhode Island women. In 2004, Rhode Island residents Margaret Chambers and Cassandra Ormiston went to Massachusetts for the purpose of marrying each other. Massachusetts is a state that allows same-sex marriage, but Rhode Island does not recognize such. In 2006, these two women filed for divorce in Providence, Rhode Island. Chief Family Court Judge Jeremiah S. Jeremiah then asked the Rhode Island Supreme Court to determine if he has the authority to hear the case.

Vermont: The objectivity of a 10-member commission appointed to study whether Vermonters are ready for a state law allowing same-sex “marriage” is clearly lacking.

All 10 members support same-sex “marriage.”

The volunteer commission will hold six public hearings to gauge public sentiment and talk

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Marriage in America (cont’d) to experts before making a recommendation to the legislature by the end of April. Commission chairman and former State Rep. Tom Little has made it clear that his approach is aimed at asking if there are “any good reasons grounded in law or morality or ethics that point to why we shouldn’t do this.” The legislature will take up the commission’s recommendations in 2009.

I’m sure there will be many others popping up between now and November.

The key is to be informed and be involved. And vote!

Of course, your ongoing support of MarriageToday puts you on the front lines in the battle for marriage in the nation. As my partner, you are vitally involved in restoring troubled relationships, strengthening homes, and demonstrating to a watching world that marriage works. Thank you.

To be a part of the vital work of MarriageToday by sharing a gift, please use the attached envelope form, or share online at marriagetoday.com.

3for newlyweds vitaland gifts nearlyweds “

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1: A strong, healthy start in one complete package!

2: Give them tickets to paradise.

3: A great life together begins here.

When three leading marriage ministries pool their unique strengths and combine their decades of experience in counseling, teaching, and encouraging couples—something very special is the result. We call it, Prepare To Last. In this extraordinary new resource, couples receive:

As Jimmy Evans points out in his powerful book, a marriage that is a “secret paradise” for couples is something that is attainable, here and now. With God’s eternal principles as the roadmap, let Jimmy Evans show them how to get there. They’ll discover seven keys to becoming best friends, how to defeat the real enemy of marriage, four foundations for peace and intimacy, and more. Give this book!

Here is the most complete and comprehensive marriage resource Jimmy Evans has ever produced.

In Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage, he reveals little-known but powerful truths such as:

The PREPARE To Last Couple Checkup: a powerful online relationship assessment tool.

Three interactive DVDs: featuring entertaining yet enlightening teaching and drama by Jeff and Debby McElroy.

Our Secret Paradise hardcover book by Jimmy Evans BK60/retail $18.95/sale price ..........$16.95

Two Audio CDs: Practical, time-tested teaching and relationship-enriching “guided date nights,” and much more.

(also available on CD and DVD at marriagetoday.com.)

Two Couple’s Workbooks: A rich source of exercises, insights and teaching for helping couples get the strongest start possible.

PREPARE To Last Wedding Kit OV34 ............................................$99.95

…“The Most Important Issue in Marriage” and why so few couples realize how vital it is. …The “Four Foundational Laws of Marriage” and why ignoring them is so destructive to relationships. …“God’s Blueprint for Marriage” and how to follow it. …and so much more.

Marriage on the Rock hardcover book by Jimmy Evans MBK01/retail $19.95/sale price.......$16.95 (also available on CD, DVD and as a companion workbook at marriagetoday.com.)

Copyright ©2008 by MarriageToday™ All rights reserved. Reproduction without permission is prohibited. Printed in the USA.

by Karen Evans

Jimmy and I fell in love in high school during the 70’s, and a popular song by Gordon Lightfoot became “our song.” Every time that song came on the radio, it touched my heart and reminded me how much I adored Jimmy.

practicing the

art of romance

practicing the art of romance

(cont’d)

After 38 years of togetherness, we are more in love than ever, but we have learned a lot along the way. I want to share some of those things with you to encourage you that it is never too late to begin a life of real love and romance.

First, let me make it clear that true love is all about the other person—your spouse. It is the opposite of lust, which has a selfish focus—it’s all about you.

One of the ways you can show love to your spouse is by being romantic. Being romantic begins outside of yourself; it is simply practicing or showing how much you adore and appreciate your spouse.

When it comes to romance, women are especially in tune with what is real and from the heart. Men, if the only time your wife gets flowers is on Valentine’s Day, don’t be surprised at her lack of excitement. She needs to know that she is important year-round, not just when February 14 rolls around. (Remember, romance is about your spouse; guilt offerings are about you.)

We all love to feel needed, and there are people in our lives that meet that need—our children, our spouses, etc.

But in our marriage I want to know that Jimmy does not just need me—he wants me and adores me. That’s the purpose of romance. It is an action in marriage that says, “I do not just need you; I want you, and you are special to me.”

tailored to please Knowing each other’s likes and dislikes will help you in planning ways to be romantic. One of the things I have learned about Jimmy is that he does not like surprises. He wants to know what he is getting for birthdays and Christmas.

If possible, he would open every present early. Jimmy also likes to pick out his own clothes. So, as a family, we have learned not to buy clothes for him because he either takes them back or re-gifts the item the next year. That’s why I always struggle with finding a gift that shows him how special he is to me.

This past October when Jimmy’s birthday came around, I tried a new idea. I went to his favorite clothing store and picked out an assortment of shirts, ties and sweaters. I then took them home on approval. That afternoon, I scheduled a massage therapist to come to our home. While Jimmy was getting much-needed therapy, I laid out his new clothes on the bed. When he came in and saw them, he was surprised (in a good way) and blessed! It met my love for surprises, and it turned out to be a very romantic experience.

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a heart connection As a woman, I love romance and I am very aware of the times Jimmy is romantic. There have been occasions when he was being romantic without trying to be. Those times are the most special to me because what he did flowed from his heart to mine and created a oneness between us.

For example, recently we were traveling home from a fun but tiring trip. I was sitting next to him reading, and he was listening to his iPod. Halfway through the trip, he took out his earpiece and handed it to me so I could listen. Immediately, I was caught up in a lovely song by Gordon Lightfoot. It was a song I had never heard before, but it reminded me of “our song” from high school. As I listened to the beautiful words,

…real love is an exercise in giving and receiving…we need to study our spouses to know what blesses them the most my heart melted. Tears began streaming down my face. Jimmy had no idea how this song was affecting me. In spite of my weariness, his action sparked an emotional connection between us. I turned to him and said, “You made me cry.”

His simple gesture of sharing a song with me was nourishment to my soul.

keeping in tune This last year for my birthday, Jimmy surprised me by writing a poem about me. It was amazing. I had it printed and framed as a beautiful reminder of Jimmy’s adoration.

The challenge for all of us in being romantic is to think outside of ourselves. Remember, real love is an exercise in giving and receiving. Most importantly, we need to study our spouses to know what blesses them the most. How much time and energy do you spend in reading a book you love or watching that favorite television program? Just think what a positive effect it would have on your marriage if you spent that time studying your spouse! Just like any good learner, ask questions and take notes. Then, practice what you learn.

It is never too late to change your focus and begin to put romance into action in your marriage. With a little practice, you and your spouse can share a love that grows and lasts forever!

an anniversary

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by Brenton Evans

In the year 2000 a masterful book was released, ingeniously entitled Every Man’s Battle. Now if you’re a male over the age of 13—or you know a male over the age of 13—this book’s subject is obvious from the title. Every single man on this planet has had or will have “the battle” at some point in his life; the level of severity is the only variable. It’s the conflict caused by sexual temptation, and it’s instigated through lust, fantasy and erotic imagery.

WANT MORE STARTLING

p o r n o g ra p hy

STATS?

4.2 million pornographic web sites 372 million pornographic pages 68 million daily pornographic search engine requests 2.5 billion daily pornographic emails 8 years old: average age of first Internet exposure to pornography

statistical information provided by: www.archkck.org/myhouse/statistics.asp and XXXChurch.com

For husbands, the pornography battle carries over into marriage, and puts an extreme burden on the relationship.

According to divorcewizards.com, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers surveyed said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces they handled in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. In contrast, pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.

But let’s not leave this ball entirely in man’s court. Studies have shown that women are increasing their pornography consumption as well. In fact, Oprah Winfrey recently aired a show that focused on a woman’s desire for sexual stimulus.

However, the women on the show didn’t like to call the stimulus “porn”—they preferred the term “erotica” or “adult film.” But according to the show, in the $12 billion U.S. adult entertainment industry, $1 out of every $4 is spent by a woman.

And if you think the pornography epidemic has bypassed the church, you’re wrong. According to a poll taken by XXXChurch.com and as reported by CNN, 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives. Rick Warren’s Pastors.com website conducted a survey of 1351 pastors on porn use and found out that 54% of the pastors had viewed Internet pornography within the last year, and 30% of these had visited adult websites within the last 30 days.

12–17 years old: largest consumer of Internet pornography 90% of 8–16 year olds have viewed porn online (most while doing homework).

20% of men admit to accessing pornography at work.

40 million U.S. adults regularly visit Internet pornography websites.

47% of Christians said pornography is a major problem in the home.

70% of women keep their cyber activities secret.

Women favor chat rooms 2 times more than men.

1 out of 3 visitors to all adult web sites are women.

IT’S TIME TO WIN THE BATTLE According to studies, 70% of people struggling with sexual addiction keep it a secret. Chances are, many people reading this article will fall into that category. So what’s the answer?

First, find a mature Christian friend you can trust, and form an accountability partnership. Get connected to a support group through your local church, if one is available. If not, consider starting your own. And don’t be afraid to get counseling or professional help. Bringing the problem out in the open is one of the first steps to recovery.

Even if you’re not currently struggling with sexual lust or addiction, you need to protect yourself from future temptation.

Invest in online filters and/or accountability software. Here are some resources that can help you break free from the bondage of pornography and win the battle for good.

9.4 million women access adult web sites each month.

U.S. porn revenues exceed the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC (6.2 billion).

Total size of the industry worldwide: 97 billion dollars

Safe Eyes safeeyes.com

Genesis Counseling genesiscounseling.org

Covenant Eyes covenanteyes.com

Partners for Purity partnersforpurity.com

Pure Online pureonline.com

Every Man Ministries everymanministries.com

Pure Life Ministries purelifeministries.org

Elucida Learning elucidalearning.com

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marriage help

at your fingertips!

Let Jimmy and Karen Evans bring you relationship-building and familystrengthening encouragement! Catch or record the MarriageToday broadcast in the coming weeks as they tackle topics like these: Every Great Marriage january 27–february 16

Building an Emotionally Healthy Marriage february 17–march 15

Our Secret Paradise

L I VE Find that breakthrough you’ve been hoping for, or simply take your relationship to the next level by experiencing one of these upcoming live conferences with Jimmy Evans. february 8–9 Gateway Church Southlake, Texas

march 16–april 12

april 4–5

The Fig Leaf Conspiracy

Word of Faith International Christian Center Detroit, Michigan

april 13–april 26

Marriage on the Rock april 27–may 24

Return to Intimacy may 25–june 28 Schedule is subject to change and/or network preemption.

To find stations and program times in your area, log on to marriagetoday.com.

And now you can watch the MarriageToday broadcast 24/7 there or download the podcast version to your MP3 player!

™

experience MarriageToday

MarriageToday ™ PO Box 59888 Dallas, TX 75229

Address Ser vice Requested

Contact information for this event: 248-353-3476

april 18–19 Trinity Fellowship Church Amarillo, Texas

august 1–2 Covenant Church Carrollton, Texas For more meeting details and to register for upcoming seminars, visit our website at marriagetoday.com, or call 1-866-800-3244.

nonprofit org. u.s. postage paid marriage today permit no. 969