MarriageToday Magazine - Winter 2008 by Derek Nelson

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marriage

under siege tough 10 â&#x20AC;Śthe choose blessing by Karen Evans

winter

2008

a marriage 19 become evangelist by Brenton Evans

29 the harvard prophecy by Jimmy Evans

welcome

welcome to our magazine. The theme of this edition is near and dear

to our hearts. We are focusing on the culture war we are facing as a society and, specifically, on the battle for the future of marriage. I believe you will be informed, inspired, and encouraged by what you read in the following pages. Even though the battle is fierce and the consequences of failure are difficult to imagine, Karen and I firmly believe we can win, and we can leave our children and grandchildren a better world. The main reason we believe this is because of our faith in God. As long as He is seated on His throne in Heaven, there is nothing impossible for His children on this earth. Our faith is not in us, it is in Him, and we are certain that He is on the side of marriage as He designed it—one man and one woman in a committed covenant relationship with Him at the center (Genesis 2:18–25 / Matthew 19:3–5). When the Lord gave me the vision for this ministry, He implanted within my heart this verse: “When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him” Isaiah 59:19b NKJV.

All of us can easily see how the enemy (the devil and his evil legions) has flooded every area of our society with antibiblical deception that has had a devastating effect on traditional marriages and families. In the wake of all of this, we must not forget that there is a second part to the verse in Isaiah 59:19. It is now time for the Spirit of the Lord to lift up a standard against him. Remember, our God has already defeated the devil, and there is nothing the devil has done that our God cannot undo! More than that, God can restore, to a state greater than ever before, whatever Satan has tried to steal, kill, or destroy. We believe these are opportune times. Prepare to be encouraged and challenged as you read the following pages.

Jimmy Evans

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Tom Brokaw wrote a best-selling book honoring the incredible sacrifices of the American men and women who served this country at home and abroad during World War II. His book is called The Greatest Generation. What a legacy they have left for us. Literally, by their blood, sweat, and tears, we are able to live as free Americans today.

by Jimmy Evans

ike them, we are a generation facing serious threats to the future of our nation. One of those threats is from global terrorism. As we all know, radical jihadist groups are dedicated to our destruction. Like it or not, this new world war is laid at our feet, and we must deal with it. I pray our resolve will be like the generation that fought WWII. As we are dealing with the war on terror, we have another serious threat to our future. It is the culture war that is threatening to destroy us from within. I believe it is no less a danger to the future of our nation than the war on terror. Losing either one will effectively end the way of life our founding fathers risked everything to give us and generations of brave Americans have died to protect. As I make that statement, I realize there will be those who disagree with me. Even though it is relatively easy to measure the threat from terrorism, for many it is more difficult to understand the dangers we are facing from antibiblical, anti-tradition forces from within. I encourage everyone who is reading this article to read the other article I have written in this edition of our magazine called The Harvard Prophecy. It will help you understand our current status as a nation related to our failing social infrastructure and the resulting dangers. But let me continue in this article to help you understand the significance of the battle concerning the future of marriage. As we all know, marriage and how it will be defined or

redefined is on the front lines of the culture war. Because of recent developments in California, there is now a serious challenge in their elections in November that will determine whether same-sex marriage will remain the law there. Also, as other states deal with ballot initiatives in November concerning similar challenges, there is a growing effort to make same-sex marriage the law of the land for all fifty states. Even though approximately seventy-percent of Americans are against same-sex marriage, revisionist and activist judges are frequently defying the will of voters. Also, the current leadership in the U.S. House of Representatives has vowed to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act. If successful, it means all states would have to recognize the same-sex marriages performed in California, Massachusetts, and other states that might make it legal. Beyond the issue of same-sex marriage, we are facing serious challenges to the institution of marriage on other fronts. These include dramatic rises in the numbers of cohabiting couples; no-fault, low-cost divorce; lowered levels of childbirth; and a number of other factors. The result of all of this is that for the first time in American history, the marriage rate has dropped below fifty percent. As a point of reference, in the year 1930, the rate was eighty-three percent. In the remainder of this article I want to ask and answer two important questions. The first is this: Is traditional marriage worth fighting for? The second is: What can we do to change things and protect traditional marriage? Âť

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QUESTION #1:

Is traditional marriage worth fighting for? Psalm 11:3 says, “If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?” NKJV The Message Bible renders it this way: “The bottom’s dropped out of the country; good people don’t have a chance.” What we must understand about marriage is that it is the foundation of every society and every area of society. God created it as the first human institution in Genesis chapter two. The reason is because it supports every other institution such as religion, government, finance, education, etc. It is the essential foundation of society. That is why virtually every nation in the history of the world has had monogamous, heterosexual marriage as its prominent universal feature. Culturally, marriage is the gold standard and when it is devalued, there are immediate and serious consequences. World history tells a chilling story of what happens when this essential institution is compromised. To illustrate this point, let me assume you donate to Christian ministries. And let me also assume that you give to help those in prison, the poor, and to aid disadvantaged children and youth. First of all, congratulations on being a giver and supporting all of these ministries. They are worthy causes that deserve the help they receive. Second, I assume you are giving to these ministries because you want to make a difference in people’s lives. Of course you are. But do you realize that the root issue affecting most of those who are in prison, poor, or young and disadvantaged is marriage? That’s right. Unless we help people with what is really wrong with them, we aren’t serving them or the Lord properly. Also, we aren’t being good stewards of our finances.

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As Christians and as tax-paying Americans, we must stop treating the symptoms alone while ignoring the disease. We must stop trying to deal with the fruit by itself while ignoring the deeper root issues. With the best of intentions, we are spending enormous amounts of time and money and are in many cases losing ground in the process! Let me explain. The number one reason men and women are in jails and prisons is the absence or failure of marriage. Also, the primary reason for the high rates of recidivism (reoffending and returning to prison) is because those being let out of prison have no functional family unit to return to and insufficient skills in marriage and family relationships. It is well documented that those from intact nuclear families are much less likely to commit crimes and go to prison than those from broken families. Therefore, when we try to solve the problems of crime without addressing the foundational issue of marriage, we are well intentioned but naive. As Psalm 11:3 tells us, when the foundations are destroyed, we can’t do much to change things. It’s like repairing a house built without a foundation. It won’t make a lasting difference. In the same manner, we won’t make significant progress related to poverty unless we deal with the foundational issue of marriage. We need to realize that marriage is the number one wealth-producing and preserving institution on earth. It is especially important to women and children. To that point, those at the greatest risk for poverty are the unmarried, especially women with dependant children. I know all of us want to see the poor helped, and we all need to give generously to that end. It is the Christian thing to do. I’m not questioning that; I’m simply making the case that marriage is the most important financial foundation of society. It is the headwaters that lasting prosperity flows from. Concerning the young, they are the most vulnerable of all related to the state of marriage. Interestingly, a recent MTV survey revealed that young people overwhelmingly desire marriage for their futures. Regardless of what is happening in America today to marginalize traditional marriage, we need to realize that it is in our DNA.

We were created by God with a deep need for marriage as He designed it. Nothing else will satisfy or provide a stable basis for us to build our lives or society upon. Therefore, one of the best ways we can insure the well being of our children and grandchildren is to protect and promote traditional marriage. Let me make a statement concerning marriage and young people and then defend it. Here is my statement:

Marriage is the best answer to solve every major problem our children are facing today. Here is my defense: The number one reason for juvenile delinquency and gang violence is the lack of parental supervision, which is primarily caused by out of wedlock childbirth, fatherlessness, and single working parents. The primary problem with our education system is the breakdown of the family unit that causes children to have less parental supervision and more emotional problems when they come to school. Therefore, we are spending more money than ever to educate our young people but are not able to achieve some of the same educational standards we did forty years ago.

â&#x20AC;Śwe must let political candidates and elected representatives know that traditional marriage is important to us and will influence how we vote.

Parents are the greatest influence in a childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life to keep them from substance abuse, premarital sex, and every other negative behavior. Divorce divides parents, reduces the time they spend with their children, and their emotional ability to care for them. Marriage keeps parents together and gives them more and better time with their children, thus increasing the positive influence they have upon them. Âť

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QUESTION #2:

What can we do to change things and protect traditional marriage?

The first thing we must do is to examine our own attitudes and actions concerning marriage. Some statistics indicate that the divorce rate is as high among Christians as it is among non-Christians. Even though we don’t have to be perfect to stand for what is right, we have to be sincere. One of the most powerful Scripture texts in the Bible that promises national redemption even in the most difficult circumstances is found in 2 Chronicles chapter seven: “When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among My people, if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” verses 13–14 NKJV

Learning from those who have gone before us, we must understand that history will be kind to us only to the degree that we live to serve a purpose greater than ourselves and a generation beyond our own.

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That is an awesome promise made by God Himself. The encouraging thing about this text is that the Lord places the pen of history in the hands of the righteous. Our actions are what God bases His actions upon. However, we must act. If the unrighteous end up writing the script for the future of America, it is only because we gave them the pen by default. The second thing we must do is to exercise our right to vote and to do it loudly. By that I mean that we must let political candidates and elected representatives know that traditional marriage is important to us and will influence how we vote. If the defense of traditional marriage is relegated to a secondary issue, then politicians will know it and will respond to those who are talking louder and about other things. The sad part of this is the majority of Americans support traditional marriage. The question is, how important that issue will be when they step into the voting booth? Also, is it important enough to get people out to vote? It should be because this is a crucial issue and an unprecedented election as it relates to the future of marriage. Third, we must use our dollars to support businesses and corporations that take a stand for traditional marriage or at least do not support a liberal culture agenda. The culture war is drawing economic battle lines. Regardless of what one might think about this, the harsh truth is that money is the only thing many businesses care about these days. Many corporations worship the bottom line and only act upon what they think is politically correct and will increase their market share. Therefore, we must take every opportunity to use our purchasing power to send a message to them that we care about traditional marriage. Fortunately, there are still many businesses and corporations who have not compromised and need to be recognized and rewarded for their courage.

I commend the American Family Association and its founder, Don Wildmon, for their efforts in this arena. I would encourage you to visit their website and register to receive their regular email “action alerts” that are very informative. Their web address is www.afa.net. You will be surprised and disappointed to see how many major corporations are giving large amounts of money to support liberal activist groups. We need to make sure it isn’t our money. Last but not least, we must financially support ministries that are helping people succeed in marriage. I know this sounds self-serving, but it is nonetheless true. We can’t just curse the darkness; we must light a candle to show the way for those who want to be married but don’t know how. The main thing that limits what we and many other marriage ministries can do is the amount of money we are given by donors. Also, I mentioned earlier concerning ministries that help those who are poor, in prison, and the young; I hope you give to those types of ministries, and as you do, you will encourage them to do more to help people succeed in marriage. Your dollars will be best invested in ministries that are curing the disease and not just treating the symptoms. As I conclude this article, I want to go back to my title. It is called “The ‘..........’ Generation.” As Tom Brokaw astutely observed, the World War II generation is worthy to be recognized as “The Greatest Generation” for their incredible sacrifice and courage. What will we be called? For now, it is still being decided, so we will be the “blank” generation for a while. However, it is inevitable that a future generation will fill in the blank. Learning from those who have gone before us, we must understand that history will be kind to us only to the degree that we live to serve a purpose greater than ourselves and a generation beyond our own. We will never have a better opportunity to accomplish both tasks than we have before us now.

by Karen Evans

e have also been speaking in other churches, and people always come up to us to say thank you and to tell us how much the ministry has helped them. These are the people that, fifteen years ago when we began the marriage ministry, we hoped and believed we would some day help! This month the theme has been—why is marriage worth it? The reason Jimmy and I began this ministry was to encourage others that they could stay married and be happy; that nothing is impossible with God; and that if we could make it, so could you. I was reading 1st Thessalonians, chapter 3, this morning. Paul has sent Timothy to see how the people are holding up from great trials, difficulties, and afflictions. He feared that they had become discouraged and hopeless. In the Message translation, 3rd chapter, vs. 3, it says (think about your marriage as you read this): “Not that the troubles should come as any surprise to you. You’ve always known that we’re in for this kind of thing. It’s part of our calling. When we were with you, we made it quite clear that there’s trouble ahead. “And now that it’s happened, you know what it’s like. That’s why I couldn’t quit worrying: I had to know for myself how you were doing in the faith. I didn’t want the Tempter getting to you and tearing down everything we had built together. “But now that Timothy is back, bringing this terrific report on your faith and love, we feel better...just knowing how you’re doing keeps us going. Knowing that your faith is alive keeps us alive. What would be an adequate thanksgiving to offer

God for all the joy we experience before him because of you?” Jimmy and I are so proud of all of you who have applied and believed the truth of God’s Word and our marriage lessons. You truly are our joy. In talking to others about their struggles, I have come away with knowledge that we all are under a lot of pressure and trouble in families and marriages. But from all of you that shared your testimony, the common encouragement was that your faith, love, and hope had not died. That is GOOD NEWS. In my own life right now, the faith I am holding onto is “wait on the Lord.” I want to encourage you in your life and marriage about why waiting is so important. First, what is waiting? It can mean “to stay, serve, or attend to; attitude of watchfulness; to wait hopefully or to look eagerly for something.” Jimmy and I recently were reading Isaiah 40. At the end God promises renewed strength for those who wait on God. Waiting is hard in our busy, stressful lives. Waiting can seem unfruitful, or lazy, even impatient. Real waiting is none of these. What I have been learning is that waiting on God is putting all my hope in Him and His Word and trusting Him for the results. I can still be active in doing the right things, but I cannot control when and how it happens. Staying in a marriage that has gone from bad to worse can push every button in us to “leave, not wait.” Sin, pain, and abuse are common in marriages; even Christian marriages are being tempted by these forces. The enemy wants us to focus on the pain, the sin, the hopelessness. I know from experience how deadly his voice is. »

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aiting for the Lord to act and change our marriage is a lot like gardening. We want our marriages to produce sweet, nourishing fruit. Beautiful flowers would be a nice touch, too. But where are they? Is it possible that your fruit is still in the ground as a seed? Have you even sown anything in faith? Did you forget to water from the Word or trust the Son, even when it is stormy and cloudy? If all you see are weeds and bitterroots, maybe it is time to actively kill the weeds, knowing that there is still HOPE in the seed in the ground. This is an example of what our marriages are like. The Word of God is alive; it is active even when we do not see, feel, or hear it. It is producing and will be fruit some day. Waiting and trusting God is where our faith is tested in God. The faith is in us, waiting for Him to produce what He has said. Galatians 5:5: “But we who live by the Spirit (what we cannot see) eagerly WAIT to receive everything promised to us who are right with God through faith. When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” In other words the Spirit of God produces the marriage you want. The enemy wants to steal and destroy your hope. He is a master at getting you to look at the problems (weeds) or getting you to ask the question, “Where is God?”

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He tempted Eve in the perfect Garden of Eden. She saw the fruit, heard the deceiving voice, but did not WAIT for God. She took what she desired and wanted. This is what was behind Paul’s concern when he sent Timothy to see how the Thessalonians were holding up from the Tempter’s voice. What are you waiting on? Let me encourage you to keep doing the right thing. The Word of God is your truth, your help, and your hope. He will make your marriage what it should be. Be encouraged that many others are fighting the same battles as you are. But just as Paul reported that the early Christians’ faith, love, and hope was still alive, do not let the waiting diminish your hope for God to give you the marriage of your dreams. He is still doing the impossible. As we wait on the Lord to fulfill His Word, let us be encouraged by those who have come through the battles and are now seeing a garden of fruit. We all need to know that our marriages are worth fighting for. In your waiting, stay in the Word, keep praying, and let the Lord encourage you. Fifteen years later as we see the good fruit in your marriages from our laboring, we are blessed, and we know it is worth the wait!

MarriageToday featured

partnership

T. J. & B i l l i e R i l e y It

MarriageToday featured

partnership

T.J.

, a hard-working entrepreneur who owns two companies with his brothers, and Billie, a tough-minded lawyer who owns her own real estate law firm, had achieved success throughout their lives. Yet, they had been unable to duplicate the success in their marriage. “I was working until eleven o’clock at night, and that defined who I was…my business being successful,” Billie said “And he at the same time was working non-stop. So we got married, and then we just kept on with our lives. Nothing really changed other than we lived in the same house. I just had no idea what his expectations were, and we never really talked about it. I mean, it sounds so dumb, but I do more research into buying a piece of property as a lawyer than I did getting married.” The Rileys tried to keep themselves preoccupied by working long hours, enjoying hobbies, and taking on projects, such as building a new house. But no amount of distractions could buffer the mounting frustration that resulted from years of unmet needs. “Divorce was something I thought about at least four or five times a week,” T.J. admitted. “I mostly tried to work through in my mind how to do it and what consequences to prepare for with

family and friends. The scariest thing for me was the prospect of living the way we were for the next thirty or forty years.” Sitting around the dining table, they both knew avoiding the moment was no longer an option. It was time for them to discuss the reality of divorce. Billie recalled the sinking feeling of the conversation. “I remember looking across the table at him saying, ‘This is not working.’ And it wasn’t anger or resentment—it was just hardcore honesty.” The Rileys searched for answers through self-help books and counseling sessions. But the breakthrough came one month later, when their local church offered a marriage class based on one of Jimmy and Karen Evans’ DVD series. It was in this class that the Rileys first heard what their roles as a husband and wife should be. Soon, the Rileys purchased more of Jimmy and Karen’s resources from marriagetoday.com. It was the be-

ginning of healing for their marriage. “Nobody ever showed us how to take marriage counseling concepts and apply them,” T.J. explained “We are both very structured people. Once we understood where we wanted to go and how to get there, all of the sudden we saw some progress. And when we got a little glimpse of hope, we just clung to it with all we had.” Today T.J. and Billie are healthy, happy, and grateful they are still married. That is why the Rileys have become some of MarriageToday’s biggest fans. They also continue to support the ministry each month as Rock Solid Partners. The Rileys know that if it were not for the longstanding supporters of MarriageToday, they might not have found the help and hope they so desperately needed. All the success the Rileys have enjoyed in their businesses over the years pales in comparison to the turnaround they experienced in their marriage. “Without MarriageToday—and the lessons we have learned, and the tools that we have gained—I do not think that we would be married today,” T.J. said. “I would say my proudest accomplishment in the work that we have done in the past couple of years is that I can honestly say my wife knows that I am one hundred percent committed to her today. We are past the point now where it’s a matter of if it’s going to work; we are at a point now of how to make our marriage even better.” .................................................................................................................

To learn more about the Rileys and to see their interview, please visit marriagetoday.com. While you are there, consider supporting our ministry by giving online or becoming a Rock Solid Partner. Your support of MarriageToday makes it possible for couples like the Rileys to get the help they need to succeed in marriage.

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by Brenton Evans

five pro-marriage nuggets to help you promote traditional marriage to your family and friends

become a marriage evangelist!

few months ago, I successfully got my eighty-year-old grandfather to replace his PC with a Mac. He was the last of my family members to make the switch. For some time now, I’ve been egging my family

toward changing their computing habits. I became the family technology pest. Some even called me a tech snob. The reason was obvious—whenever I’d see them wrestling with non-Apple products (namely Microsoft ones), I’d never miss the chance to tell them about a better way. One by one, whenever they were ready for a new laptop or desktop, I successfully sold them on Macs. Keep in mind that I do not get a commission from Apple. There is no financial incentive for me to encourage any sort of “switch.” The reason I do it is because I’ve experienced a myriad of tech products, and Apple has, by far, the most superior machines. As stupid as it sounds, I’ve become a Mac evangelist.

m a r r i a g e t o d a y. c o m | winter 2008

we need marriage evangelists! Although I love MacBooks and iPhones, I’m even more evangelistic when it comes to marriage. My day job gives me a visual into the current national marriage landscape. I constantly see people from all demographics and backgrounds who’ve experienced the devastation of divorce. And because of that pain, sane people now naturally choose inferior relationship constructs. Instead of marriage, couples overwhelmingly conclude that cohabitation is their best option. In their minds, they avoid the chance of divorce altogether by simply living together without vows or ceremony. Unfortunately, cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage. But who can blame them for their perspective on marriage? Fifty-plus percent of marriages end up in ruin. It’s no wonder that more and more people see no point in “knot tying.” You now have a vast demographical span resolutely asking the question, “Why marriage?” But marriage is not the problem. Just like you can’t blame a car when the owner neglects it or wrecks it, you can’t blame marriage when couples ignore the guidelines of matrimony. Truth be told, most couples never learn the foundational marriage principles before they say “I do.” They’ve never been trained, and they don’t seek help until it’s too late. That’s the reality of marriage. It’s still absolutely magnificent, but due to neglect, marriage has gotten a bad reputation over time.

what can you do? You are reading a marriage magazine right now, so you obviously have some sort of interest in the topic. Now is the time to arm yourself with truths and principles that can help you evangelize your world about the beauty of marriage. Research has been done, and it is now easier than ever to create a compelling case for marriage. Below are five easy-to-remember, pro-marriage nuggets for you to use at your disposal. They are all backed up by research and are completely nonreligious. They should help you avoid the “shocked and appalled” look you might give off when someone asks you, “Why marriage?”

nugget # 1

nugget # 3

Marriage is better for the overall family dynamic.

Marriage affects physical health and life span.

Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers will have good relationships with their children. Also, growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children themselves will someday divorce or become unwed parents.

Every demographic seems to benefit physically when it comes to marriage. For instance, children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children from other family forms. For both men and women, marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability. Married people—especially married men—have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles. And marriage seems to be associated with better health among minorities and the poor. »

nugget # 2

Marriage means more money. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples. In addition, marriage reduces poverty and material hardships for disadvantaged women and their children. And when it comes to married men, this group on average earns more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.

marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers will have married couples good relationships seem to build more with their children wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples winter 2008 | marr i a g e t o d a y. c o m

become a marriage evangelist! (cont’d)

nugget # 4

Marriage promotes mental and emotional wellness.

parents who divorce expose their children to higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness

Divorce appears to increase the risk of suicide significantly. Research also shows that married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers. A married woman is also less likely to experience domestic violence, as opposed to her cohabiting or dating peers. Along those abuse lines, a child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk for child abuse. And to top it all off, parents who divorce expose their children to higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.

How MarriageToday can help you become a

marriage evangelist!

1 Sign up for our weekly marriage builder and forward it to your family and friends.

2 Start a “Marriage on the Rock” small group. 3 Give somebody a book, CD, or DVD series. 4 Encourage couples to visit MarriageToday.com,

where they’ll find articles, videos, and resources to equip them in marriage.

m a r r i a g e t o d a y. c o m | winter 2008

nugget # 5

Marriage is where the best sex happens. In their book A Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher refer to a study that was conducted by Edward Laumann and the University of Chicago back in 1992. According to Waite and Gallagher, this study (also popularly known as “The National Sex Survey”) discovered that “married people have both more and better sex than singles do. They not only have sex more often, but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally, than do their unmarried counterparts. Only cohabiters have more sex than married couples, but they don’t necessarily enjoy it as much. Marriage, as it turns out, is not only good for you, it is good for your libido, too.”

There you have it; money, sex, happiness—they’re all tied to marriage. Most people—especially those who’ve experienced divorce—don’t make those associations. That’s why it’s up to you to encourage them and convince them otherwise. Marriage, done the right way, is still the best option when compared to the other available alternatives. So commit yourself to becoming a marriage evangelist. Who knows? If you’re good enough, people might even call you a marriage snob. .............................................................................................................

Some of the statements above are taken from the research study Why Marriage Matters, 2nd Edition, and The Case for Marriage, by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher.

This article is an excerpt from the book The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher.

The Case for Marriage

� ��  ��  In America over the last thirty years, we’ve done something unprecedented. We have managed to transform marriage, the most basic and universal of human institutions, into something controversial. For perhaps the first time in human history, marriage as an ideal is under a sustained and surprisingly successful attack. Sometimes the attack is direct and ideological, made by “experts” who believe a lifelong vow of fidelity is unrealistic or oppressive, especially to women. BUT FOR THE MOST PART, the war on marriage is not a frontal assault from outside enemies, but a sideway tug-of-war inside each of us between competing values: between rights and needs, between individualism and community, between fear and hope, between freedom and love. On the one hand, we cherish marriage as the repository of our deepest hopes and wishes to forge stable families and to find lasting love. On the other hand, we fear being “tied down” or “trapped” and jealously guard our right to redefine ourselves and our lives, with or without our partners’ consent. Despite the startling rise in divorce, cohabitation, and

unwed parenthood, marriage remains a core value and an aspiration of many Americans. One might imagine that, as Professor Norval Glenn puts it, “Americans are marrying less and succeeding less often at marriage because alternatives have become more attractive, relative to marriage, than they once were.” But, Glenn continues, survey data on attitudes toward marriage provides “scant evidence for it.” We aren’t as certain anymore about whether marriage is good for other people, but when it comes to their own life goals, Americans put marriage at the top of the list. Ninety-three percent of Americans rate “having a happy marriage” as »

winter 2008 | mar r i a g e t o d a y. c o m

� � � � ��

�

� �� either one of their most important or very important objectives. Asked to select their top two goals, a majority of Americans include a happy marriage as one of the choices, far outpacing other life goals, such as “being in good health” (35 percent) or even having “a good family life” (36 percent). In 1992, the number-one aspiration of high school seniors was “having a good marriage and family life.” In addition, the proportion of seniors calling that goal “extremely important” has actually risen over the last two decades. Only 8 percent of American women consider remaining single as ideal, a proportion that has not changed over the last generation. The paradox, as Glenn writes, is that “marriage remains very important to adult Americans—probably as important as it has ever been—while the proportion of Americans married has declined and the proportion successfully married has declined even more.” Americans are still the marrying kind. But our ideas about what marriage means have changed in subtle ways that undermine our ability—as individuals or as a society—to achieve the goals of wedlock, creating a lasting love between a man and a woman and a firm bond of mutual support between a mother and a father. When it comes to marriage, Americans have both high hopes and debilitating fears. As two scholars put it after an exhaustive study of the attitudes of today’s college students, “They are desperate to have only one marriage, and they want it to be happy. They don’t know whether this is possible anymore.” But the dreams and hopes of young Americans to forge more perfect unions are hampered by five myths that, despite the recent revival of interest in marriage, remain powerfully, if thoughtlessly, entrenched in the conventional wisdom. Although marriage as an ideal still holds a firm fascination in Americans’ minds, we believe that it is fair to describe America as a society on the verge of becoming a post-marriage culture. A post-marriage culture is not one in which nobody ever makes it to the altar. Rather, it is a culture in which marriage is viewed as unnecessary, or, strictly speaking, optional—a private taste, rather than a matter of urgent shared concern.

m a r r i a g e t o d a y. c o m | winter 2008

“Divorce is usually the best answer for kids when a marriage becomes unhappy.” Whether or not parents are married, many experts believe, that is not what really counts for kids. What matters is the quality of relationship between parents and between parent and child. Staying married “for the sake of the kids” thus doesn’t make sense, because if you are in an unhappy marriage, your children will probably be better off if you divorce anyway. “Many parents may indeed stay together because they believe divorce will harm their children,” warn therapists Mel and Pat Krantzler in the new 1998 edition of their bestseller, Creative Divorce. “What they fail to realize is that…more harm will result from ‘staying together’ than divorcing.” This perspective is what most experts teach and what most Americans believe these days. It is certainly true that an abundance of evidence confirms that parents who fight a lot damage their kids. But is divorce always the better answer? Adults may prefer to be joyously in love, but children don’t much care whether parents zoom to heights of romantic ecstasy or not. Your children don’t care whether your marriage feels dead or alive, empty or full. As long as Mom and Dad don’t fight too much, they thrive under the love, attention, and resources two married parents provide.

��

�

� ��

�

� ��

“Marriage is mostly about children.

“Marriage may be good for men,

If you don’t have kids, it doesn’t

but it is bad for women, damaging

matter whether you cohabit,

their health and self-esteem and

marry, or stay single.”

limiting their opportunities.”

Staying in an unsatisfying marriage is pure “self-sacrifice” that we say unhappy adults should, or more often these days, should not make on their children’s behalf. Unmarried (including divorced, widowed, and single) people are far more likely to die from all causes, including coronary heart disease, stroke, pneumonia, many kinds of cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, automobile accidents, murder, and suicide—all leading causes of death. Researchers find that the married people have lower death rates, even after taking initial health status into account. In fact, sick people who marry live longer than their single counterparts. Even without the prodding of a spouse, married people seem to monitor their own health more closely. A spouse’s illness, injury, or death could devastate the family, and that knowledge makes married men and women more cautious and careful. It is precisely this sense of responsibility for another that distinguishes marriage from alternatives, such as cohabitation. If marriage were just a piece of paper, the cohabiting couples who share a home and bed should behave just like married couples. Instead, research confirms that in this country, living together is very different from being married. This is partly because the people who choose to be legally married are different to begin with than those who opt to avoid the entanglements and obligations of marriage. However, research also shows that cohabitation itself is a different institution than marriage, with different expectations and effects on individuals. For both of these reasons, cohabitation does not confer the same kind of health benefits to either men or women as does marriage.

This is one of the most powerful and widespread of the postmarriage myths. Experts and ordinary women alike tend to agree these days that for women, wedlock is risky business. Men and women gain a great deal from marriage. True, marriage does not affect men and women in exactly the same ways. They both live longer, healthier, and wealthier lives when married, but husbands typically get greater health benefits from marriage than wives. On the other hand, whereas both men and women enjoy bigger bank accounts and a higher standard of living in marriage, wives reap even greater financial advantages than husbands. Virtually every researcher who has ever studied the topic has found that married men and women are happier than singles. The happiness advantage of married people is very large and quite similar for men and women. Further, this trend is present in every country on which we have information. »

��

winter 2008 | marr i a g e t o d a y. c o m

� � � � ��

�

� �� “Promoting marriage and

“Marriage is essentially a private

marital obligation put

matter, an affair of the heart

women at risk for violence.”

between two adults, in which

In fact, overwhelming evidence suggests that being unmarried puts women at special risk for domestic abuse. A large body of research shows, for example, that marriage is much less dangerous for women than cohabitation. According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, the victimization rate for women who are separated from their husbands was about three times higher than that of divorced women and about 25 times higher than that of married women. When it comes to hitting, shoving, and throwing things, cohabiting couples are more than three times more likely than married couples to say things get that far out of hand. One reason cohabiters are more violent is that they tend to be younger and less educated than married people. But even after controlling for education, race, age, and gender, unmarried couples who live together are still three times more likely to report violent arguments than married couples.

��

�

� ��

m a r r i a g e t o d a y. c o m | winter 2008

no outsider, not even the children of the marriage, should be allowed to interfere.” In 1972 when Nena and George O’Neill penned their bestseller, Open Marriage, Myth 5 was a revolutionary idea. The authors stated, “The meaning in marriage today must be independently forged by a man and a woman who have the freedom to find their own reasons for being and being together… Only by writing their own open contract can couples achieve the flexibility they need to grow.” However, the revolutionary slogan of yesteryear quickly becomes the cliché of tomorrow. As sociologist Andrew Cherlin put it, married people “are more likely today than in the past to evaluate their marriage primarily according to how well it satisfies their individual emotional needs. If their evaluation on these terms is unfavorable, they are likely to turn to divorce.” Psychologists, in particular, have played a key role in persuading Americans that marriage is primarily for and about adult happiness. Deconstructing the idea that marriage has other stakeholders besides the spouses, many mental health care professionals argued instead that it is the parents who fail to divorce who are derelict in their duties to their kids. Couples who stay together for the kids, as one licensed marriage therapist in Florida warned newspaper readers, “teach children to be extremely insecure and lacking in the skills to be intimate and caring.”

�

� ��

Many people say that this new ideal represents a promotion in the status of marriage. That is, it appears that we have higher expectations for it. No longer are people settling for Mr. or Mrs. OK. Now, it’s Prince Charming or nobody. But as marriage comes to be viewed as primarily a subjective, emotional relationship between two adults, the marriage bond begins to be described as just one of many equally valid lifestyle choices. Marriage is demoted from a uniquely honored bond to just another relationship. Even our language reflects this shift. In many venues, from couples counseling to women’s magazines, even using the word marriage seems to devalue respect for family and emotional diversity. New inclusive language has emerged, with couples therapy replacing marriage counseling. A popular children’s book about sex, pregnancy, and childbearing doesn’t even mention the word marriage. The closest reference to marriage is the author’s statement that “there are kids whose mothers and fathers live together.” An American textbook salesman, explaining why marriage seldom appears anymore in the titles of college textbooks on marriage and the family, said that the word sounds too “old-fashioned” and preachy to students, or more likely, to professors. Marriage cannot thrive, and may not even survive, in a culture that views it as just another lifestyle option. When people become afraid or reluctant to use the M-word or to base public or social support on the status of being married, marriage is indeed in trouble.

 �� ��

Now that you’ve seen some common myths about the marriage debate, discover five key truths about marriage excerpted from the books of Jimmy Evans.

� ��

find “the one,”no matter how much

as Paul described in Ephesians 5,

effort you put into making the

the result is deepened love, intima-

courtship, wedding and honey-

cy and trust. Biblical roles keep a

moon just right, you are going to

marriage growing year after year.

wake up one day and see some

When you don’t think it can get

Regardless of how hard you try to

When two people love each other

things in your mate that you never

any better, it does.

expected to find—needs and defi-

...................................................................................

ciencies that will shock you. And that won’t be because you made a wrong decision. It’s because there are no perfect people. ...................................................................................

(excerpt from Our Secret Paradise: Seven Secrets for Building a Secure and Satisfying Marriage)

� ��

God wants us to enjoy the world He created. He wants us to have fun in marriage. It startles some Christian’s religious sensibilities to think of God as “fun.” But He is. That’s why sex, expressed in accordance with God’s plan and boundaries, is fun. It was God who thought it up! ...................................................................................

(exerpt from The Fig Leaf Conspiracy: [revealing] sexuality as it was meant to be)

(excerpt from Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for your Dream Marriage)

� ��

Biblical priorities are an essential part of a healthy family life. Establishing them may be uncomfortable or just downright hard. However, the benefits are awesome; the longer you live with correct priorities, the more blessing you will see.

...................................................................................

(excerpt from 7 Secrets of Successful Families: Understanding What Happy, Functional Families Have in Common)

� ��

The sometimes-hard-to-face truth is, you must forgive and break all inner vows… the poison of unforgiveness inside you will damage you more than anyone else you can spew it on. When you think about it, forgiveness is actually one

..........................................................................................................................................

Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially (New York: Doubleday Publishing, 2000).

Editor’s note: Each of these books and many others are available online at marriagetoday.com

of the most self-loving acts you can choose. ...................................................................................

(excerpt from Twelve Tips to Resolving Stress in Your Marriage)

Need marriage help for groups?

Problem solved. For years churches and ministries struggled to find a good marriage-strengthening curriculum for groups of couples. That’s why MarriageToday created the Marriage on the Rock curriculum kit. This multi-purpose resource bundle can help turn hurting and even divorcebound marriages into the satisfying relationships God intended them to be. It’s perfect for individual study, pre-marriage or couple’s counseling, small group discipleship, or church-wide marriage seminars. Get the proven marriage resource that has helped countless couples across North America. In each kit you’ll get: • Five 90-minute DVDs: Teachings taken from actual seminars with two sessions on each DVD • Couple’s Discussion Guide: Draws couples into daily conversation based on the Marriage on the Rock teachings. For use in conjunction with the DVD series • Best-selling Marriage on the Rock book • Small Group Workbook with Leader’s Notes: Designed for small group teaching and interaction based on the Marriage on the Rock book • Bonus MP3: Contains teachings taken from seminars by Jimmy Evans • 25 Vow Keeper Commitment Cards: Certificates designed as a covenant recommitment between a husband and wife • Two Seminar Posters: Advertise for upcoming Marriage on the Rock seminars

Marriage on the Rock curriculum kit CK011 ....................$169.95

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coming soon! ............................................. A new curriculum kit based upon Jimmy Evans’ popular Return to Intimacy series.

by Jimmy Evans

n any given day in America, a great variety

interpret our present condition and over who will

of attitudes exist concerning our obvious

decide the values in the 21st century.

moral, spiritual, and social problems. They range

In light of all the persuasions and opinions con-

anywhere from angry prophets warning of a soon-

cerning the moral state and destiny of America, we

coming final judgment from God to those who seem

need to realize that many other societies have stood

convinced that we are doing well and are evolving

on the ground we presently occupy. I realize that

to a more enlightened state.

observation might offend the high opinion of some

Some say that our sins are destroying us and that

who believe that we are enlightened and that we

we must change the direction of our country or

have achieved benchmarks of tolerance and sexual

suffer even more serious consequences. Some say

freedom never before experienced. However, many

that the word “sin” is outdated and irrelevant, and

societies have preceded us in normalizing sexual

that we must break the traditional moral shackles

“freedoms” and in mainstreaming social “tolerance.”

that have prevented us from social progress. For

Therefore, a lesson from the past can offer hard evi-

certain, America is in a culture war over how to

dence of where we are and where we are going. »

HARVARD

THE

PROPHECY

t h e HA R V A R D P R O P H E C Y

In 1947, Harvard sociologist Carle Zimmerman published a report called The Family and Civilization. In his report, he documented that major civilizations from long ago had begun and ended in almost identical ways related to the family and its relation to the social infrastructure. He found that virtually every major civilization that arose— Assyrian, Babylonian, Sumerian, Greek, Roman, and Western—all began with a strong family unit resembling the biblical model. He also found that the

downfall of each society was directly associated with the breakdown of the traditional nuclear family unit. In his report, Carle Zimmerman describes a systematic series of social events that were common to the downfall of the major civilizations he studied. According to Zimmerman, there are eight symptoms or predictors that foretell the demise of a society. Read the following eight symptoms from his report published in 1947, and see if any of them sound like they fit America today.

Marriage loses its sacredness, as it is frequently broken by divorce. Such divorces do not consist of guilty parties, but simply two people who wish to terminate a relationship.

..........................................................................................................

The traditional meaning of marriage is lost. Alternate forms of marriage arise, and individualized marriage contracts are advocated. Pseudo-intellectuals (his words) begin to theorize that in order to save marriage, its form must be changed to a less strict, looser, more companionate structure.

Imagine what America was like when Carle Zimmerman published his findings. Even his term “pseudo-intellectuals” seems that it couldn’t have been written by a Harvard University professor concerning social liberals—but it was! Over fifty years ago as Zimmerman documented his sociological evidence on the rise and fall of civilizations, little did he realize that he was prophesying the future of America. We have progressed into all eight symptoms of a society in decline. It’s not hype—it’s history. As Christians, we must realize that our prayers and actions to fight for the preservation of biblically-based marriage and family are critical. If we lose this battle, we will almost certainly be the last generation to remember the glory of America as the greatest nation on earth.

..........................................................................................................

The feminist movement abounds. Women lose their inclination for childbearing and rearing, and the birthrate decreases.

..........................................................................................................

There is an increased public disrespect for parents, parenthood, and authority in general, so that parenthood becomes harder for those who still try to rear children.

..........................................................................................................

There is an increase in juvenile delinquency, promiscuity, and rebellion.

..........................................................................................................

The hostility of pseudo-intellectuals toward the traditional family soon spreads to the common people, sealing the doom for the society.

.......................................................................................................... There is an increased acceptance of adultery. 7 .......................................................................................................... is a tolerance for and spread of sexual perversions of 8 There all kinds, especially homosexuality, but including others, such as rape and incest. This generally marks the final stage of societal disintegration.

.......................................................................................................... 30

m a r r i a g e t o d a y. c o m | winter 2008

Through prayer and the proclamation of God’s Word, we can lift a standard that is greater than all of the power of the enemy.

t h e HA R V A R D P R O P H E C Y

I realize in making such a shocking statement that many people will scoff at it and insist that America has a bright future. It must be made clear that no society has ever survived or remained great for long when the family has disintegrated and immorality has been widely accepted and tolerated. Even if America beats the odds and survives our current spree of anarchy toward biblical morals, we will soon be a disfigured shell of our former greatness. And just imagine: what will the world be like for our children and grandchildren in another fifty years? The thought is frightening. The purpose of this article isn’t to discourage or frighten anyone. The purpose is to let us know that we are on a slippery slope and are headed for danger if something doesn’t drastically change the direction of our country. The good news is that it can change, but that God’s people must act if it is going to happen.

Fifteen years ago the Lord woke me up three mornings in a row at three o’clock in the morning and gave me a vision for this ministry. When I woke up on the first morning, there was a Scripture clearly in my mind as the Lord began speaking to me. It was the second part of Isaiah 59:19 that says, “When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him” (NKJV). The reason I have faith concerning the future of America is that I know we can defeat the real enemy who is coming against us. As Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (NKJV). In spite of the darkness that is descending on our society and the seriousness of the problems we are facing,

I fully believe that we can win the battle for our nation and for our children’s future. Through prayer and the proclamation of God’s Word, we can lift a standard that is greater than all of the power of the enemy. At MarriageToday, that is what we are doing. With the resources at our disposal, we are reaching out to millions of households across America and to over two hundred countries around the world. Through our television outreach, resources, internet site, and conferences, we are making the difference in millions of lives. God is also using us to keep many children in the same house with both of their parents. The stakes are high in this battle, and we are on the front lines. We are literally fighting for our future. Please keep us in your prayers. Also, we covet your financial support. Your giving enables this ministry to continue reaching out and to keep expanding.

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