*April Fools Edition* BarberNV Issue 16

A P R I L F O O L S DAY !

BARBER

NV

GREG MASON Kyle Ross DAX S pri n g 2 0 1 8

CONTENTS

I S S U E 15 Industry News

03

Hygiene

04

Barber Disconnect

05

The Mullet

06

Products

08

Kyle Ross

10

Dax

12

Beards

14

Showcase

16

Editor’s Comment Well, this is probably our most explosive issue of BarberNV yet. We have some world exclusive stories from the world of men’s hair and we can’t wait to share them with you.

Did you know the mullet was coming back? Well it is here and it is here to stay.

Meanwhile, we are blowing the lid open on a story that has repercussions at the very top of the industry about International Barber

Enjoy!

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Awards Quarter Finalist and UK winer Kyle Ross.

We have an exclusive feature on your favourite hair product - Dax - and we’re the first people to warn everyone about the dangers of beards. Enjoy you fools.

Sr

I N D U S T R Y NEWS Menspire? No you sexist pigs!

A feminist uproar is at the centre of Menspire being rebranded. Following accusations of sexism, Josh Lamonaca’s top educational brand will be renamed MenWomenAndAllOtherGendersspire from now on.

The move is set to cost thousands of pounds in rebranding however that is worth it to save some hurt feelings.

SIMON SHAW 2 Wahl UK have announced that following the incredible weight loss effort by their European Artistic Director Simon Shaw, they are able to create an entirely new Simon Shaw using the leftover weight.

Simon Shaw 2 will be available for educational seminars at Wahl’s Herne Bay HQ from later this summer, with bosses saying it will double their training offerings.

NEXT ISSUE how to skin fade using nothing but masking tape, baking soda, and the blood of an orphaned child.

UK vs America – the big one

Work easy, play hard

In the fight to end to all fights in the barbering industry, heavyweights from the UK and the USA will meet in a bareknuckle boxing fight to decide whether it’s called a Skin Fade or a Skin Taper.

Scottish barbering sensations Hard Grind have decided that, actually, working hard all the time is a bit of a pain in the arse and they will be rebranding as Calm Grind from now on.

The fight will take place in May at Champ’s Barber Shop in London with BarberNV providing coverage to the winner and a public shaming to the defeated side.

Owner Colin Petrie has said that running multiple successful businesses is “a bit of a hassle” and from now on he will be “in the pub by 2pm, and if you want a haircut I’ll give you it between pints of Punk IPA.” The move has been welcomed by other barbers in Dundee who now have a chance of getting some customers.

VS

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Hygiene, is it worth the hassle.

Washing your hands after the toilet. We all know we should do it, but do we? Of course not, who has the time? Unfortunately in our snowflake culture, traditional masculine hobbies like not washing after going twos are under attack.

Now the barbering industry is the next target for the health and safety brigade, with government officials claiming that disposable razor blades should be ditched after just one use! Yeah okay, Mrs May, and how do you expect your average barbershop to take that hit to the pocket?

Do they really expect us to purchase Barbicide every single month just to ensure that our equipment is sanitary and sterile? If the ‘wiping them once on your apron’ was good enough to clean scissors in my father’s day then I see no reason why it isn’t good enough now!

At an absolute push I could understand if they demanded we spit on our clippers to clean them up a bit, but any more than that is simply PC gone mad.

Don’t get caught, get clean.

The government will be performing spot checks to ensure that barbershops are up to scratch and anyone flouting the rules could be subject to fines or even closure in severe cases.

In light of this we have included the following diagram to help any male who has not yet figured out how to wash their hands.

Unfortunately when it comes to scissors, clippers, and other hygiene matters you are on your own. Godspeed.

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NOTHING DULL ABOUT THE MULL Prepare yourself barber community, the ultimate in female attraction accessories, the iconic 80s men’s hairstyle ‘The Mullet’ is expected to make a comeback in autumn 2018 according to barber to the rich & famous and self-proclaimed chick magnet Greg Mason of Wolverhampton!

Business in

Party in the back!

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Greg says: “On a daily basis I’m getting lads asking me how long it’ll take to grow out a skin fade so that the back is long & flowing with the possibility of having it permed.”

Speaking from personal experience, he adds: “I had to ditch my Mullet in the mid-90s, a simple trip to the supermarket became impossible with ladies following me round hoping for a stroke of my rear length…”

His advice is simple: “Put your clippers away and reach for your diffusers barber friends, by next Christmas it’s gonna be MULLET MADNESS MANIA!”

Not sure if this haircut is for you?

Maybe you should take some time to mull-et over.

the front...

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PRODUCTENV Y

Editor’s Choice

EDITOR’ S COMMENT

Here they are. The products that will change the way you cut hair for the rest of your life. Only the absolute finest of products make their way into this section of our prestigious magazine.

Natakki Ninjas The sharpest scissors we’ve ever used. Our good friend Alan Findlay said “these scissors will change your life, I even use them for cutting meat.”

Bahl Seniors The only clipper you’ll ever need. This bad boy can do it all and it’s totally wireless!

Shade Cutter Bang on trend this year is the shoulder length bowl cut and the only way to achieve it is using this sexy bit of kit. It will light up your shop and leave your competitors in the shade. mrhawke.com

Supreme Bowl For the trendiest of bowl cuts you need to use this Supreme bad boy. Not just for hype beasts, it can also be used for noodles!fudgeprofessional.com

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PRODUCTENVY

Frosted Tipper The newest way to achieve the NSYNC frosted tips looks that made the 00s so sexy. Simply put each individual strand of hair through this sieverly good product.

Suggest The Sausage Get that gritty, textured look in your styles that works great with a blow-dry. £14.97 Bangtidyclothing.co.uk

Schorem Pan Tux Apron As used by the barbers at renowned shops like Savills, this is the epitome of luxury and charm. Women will swoon at your feet, men will beg you to cut their hair. And some people will accidentally think you are a naked butler but still…

How do you think the guys at Schorem achieve such amazing flat tops? Well we have it on good authority it’s by using these unique pans. Hot stuff.

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Kyle Ross admits

“shagging his way to the top”

I

n a shock interview, the UK winner of the International Barber Awards, Kyle Ross, has admitted that the rumours are true: he got to the top by using his raw sexuality.

It’s no surprise to the many of us who have watched Kyle’s meteoric rise through the barbering trade.

Seemingly from nowhere, the Aberdeen based barber has seen phenomenal success over the past year. As well as taking home the crown of UK’s Best Barber in Nuremberg, Germany, Kyle has been cutting at London Fashion Week and on stage Pro Hair Live. But how?

Now we know. Sex. In an exclusive tape given to BarberNV by a close friend of the barber, Kyle discusses how he turned his barbering dream into a reality. Some of his shock admissions include: “Yeah, I knew my work didn’t compare to the rest of the guys from the UK at the International Barber Awards but I found out who was on the judging panel and chatted them on WhatsApp in the weeks before the competition. By the time the finals came around I was whispering sweet nothings in their ears and knew I had the win.”

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Female barbers?

Don’t make us laugh.

For a balanced debate we asked two well respected barbers with over 50 years cutting experience between them this simple question.

Should women be allowed to become barbers?

Paul Oldham, Master Barber: “No.” Sean O’Jenkins, State Registered Barber: “Absolutely not.”

Well that’s that.

It’s not just pillow talk at the International Barber Awards that’s implicated in the sex scandal. Off the back of his victory he was given a three-page spread in industry magazine BarberNV. Kyle says on tape: “I’ve been sleeping with the editor of that magazine for years, just waiting for the right time to get my feature in it. Now everyone in the world knows my name!” [EDITOR’S NOTE: SHIT THIS IS ABOUT ME, DELETE THIS IMMEDIATELY, DO NOT PRINT THIS].

With his tight jeans and pointy shoes, his muted hipster look hides a ruthless predator hell bent on getting to the top so it’s no surprise Kyle has managed to seduce half of the barbering industry.

Who is next on his list of targets? Is this Scottish swordsman looking to target other competitions around the UK and the world? We don’t know for sure, but we call on all barbers to be on their guard.

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Dax the only product you need in your barbershop “You will wonder what you done without it!”

T

he history of Dax is almost mythical, with legend intertwining with fact to the point that to this day we still cannot firmly say who invented it. Many say it was the Irish who brought it to Great Britain to tarmac the roads with, while others say the ancient Egyptians coated the pyramids in it, ensuring they stood for thousands of years. Rumours that the English coated the white cliffs of Dover with it to give them that renowned shine are as yet unfounded.

All we know is that we as barbers owe so much to Dax’s ingenuity, creativity, and straight up genius.

How many of our customers were brought up as young lads learning only a few things from their fathers – how to shave, how to fight, and how to slap Dax on to their heads.

Now the famous red can has been joined by a fleet of other hero products. Blue, orange, camouflage and desert camouflage, (yeah you read that right, two flavours of camouflage), purple, silver, green and gold, and white. No matter the haircut, Dax has the answer.

Dax Wax. The fact it rhymes should be enough for it to be the number one product in your shop. The iconic red tin should be glistening all around the walls, intimidating your customers into understanding that there is nothing else they will ever need. That Dax is God.

Short back and sides? Dax. Tapered back and sides? Dax. Faded back and sides? Dax. Shorter than short back and sides? Dax. In the immortal words of John Lennon, “All you need is Dax”.

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Famous Daxians

According to MuseWiki.org, Matt Bellamy, the famous Muse frontman who you might know from singing that song that’s in the Twilight baseball scene, is a HUGE fan of Dax to keep his hair stiff during concerts as literally a bucketload of sweat can’t break down Dax’s chemical formula.

Green DAX.

Famous Daxians

Is it Dax that keeps Homer Simpson’s two head hairs so perfectly positioned and always upright? We don’t know for sure but it’s safe to assume so.

Blue DAX.

Silver DAX. Homer, probably thinking about Dax.

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BEWARE THE BEARDS You may not have noticed it, however slowly but surely beards are becoming a thing.

I know, what the hell, right? Who saw this coming? Certainly not us. Formerly the refuge of the weird substitute teacher, sexy lumberjack, and provisional terrorist commander, beards are making a move for the mainstream.

Now for the typical barber the chance of them seeing one of these so called ‘beards’ in the wild remains slight, but there is no doubt that they are on the rise. If you happen to work in an area populated by people that have become known as ‘hipsters’ you are at risk of having one come into your shop.

Obviously, as traditional barbers, we aren’t trained to deal with such renegades. However, there are some basic rules to follow to keep them at bay.

1. Don’t offer craft beers.

2. No indie music 3. Don’t advertise on Instagram 4. Have slabs of meat hanging inside the shop to deter vegans.

If somehow one still manages to slip through the net the temptation can be to swing an axe at their beard. DO NOT DO THIS. As mentioned before, there is a slight chance they may be a trained lumberjack, in which case the axe will be swiftly used against you.

Our advice to put them into a coma using several splashes of Brut and then slowly but surely use all your straight razor shave training to turn them into a respectable member of society.

Good luck.

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BEARD DANGER ZONES Avoid these areas to minimise your risk of dealing with bearded gentlemen (and women, who knows how far this trend has went).

If you happen to work in an area populated by people that have become known as ‘hipsters’ you are at risk of having one come into your shop.

Bristol – Montpelier London – Peckham, Shoreditch, Clapham, Walthamstow, Clapton … basically half of London.

Manchester – Ancoats, Chorlton Liverpool – Baltic Triangle, Ropewalks Glasgow – Partick, Finnieston Cambridge – Romsey York – Bishy Road Cornwall – St Mawes

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NV SHOWCASE

Jarvis Cuts

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Ruairidh Brown

Tommie McGuckin

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Happy April Fools Day!

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