THE
CARRIER 905 8th Ave. NW, Mandan, ND - Volume 00, Issue 1- April Fools
Read about North Dakota being deemed the best state in the United States. Page 03
Check out Mandan High’s student body following COVID-19 procedures at prom last weekend. Page 09
April Fools 2021
From The Dictator... ALL quotes, statistics, articles, photos, et cetera in this issue of the Courier is entirely fictional and in no way represents the viewpoints and opinions of our staff. April fools! Kelsie Hildebrand, Editor-In-Chief
Table Of Contents
Page 2............................Letter From The Editor Page 3...............North Dakota Is The Best State Page 4............................Proof That Aliens Built ......................................................The Pyramids Page 5..................................Infants Are Asinine Page 6........................................Kia Is Canceled Page 7...................New Mandan High School Is .............................................No Longer Needed Page 8...................Watermelon Babies Are Real Page 9.......................Social Distancing At Prom Page 10........................................Advertisement
Jim Jefferson is posing for the cover of Vogue hoping to raise awareness for the controversy: babies are asinine. Cover photo by Scout Hurley
Opinion 02
Courier Staff and Editorial Policy Kelsie Hildebrand.................................................Dictator Scout Hurley............................................................E-Girl Aspen Jewkes.................................................Tree-hugger Ryan Ulrich............................Professsional Benchwarmer McCartney Fix.................................Ryan Gosling Fanatic Leah Emineth....................................................The Florist Ariana González...........................................The Extrovert Hannah Cahoon...................................................The Dino
The Courier is just a bunch of wannabe journalists with nothing better to do than gossip and write pointless articles about the Bismarck- Mandan community. If you are reading this, I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to pay any sort of attention to some loser English geeks. You are officially pretty lame. The Spoof is an April Fools issue for the ladies and gentlemen of Mandan High School to laugh at and take a load off of the dreadful second semester.
April Fools 2021
The Most Beautiful State, North Dakota — Aspen Jewkes, Tree-hugger
North Dakota has been proven to be the most beautiful state in the United States. Even from space, one could see the outstanding landscapes of North Dakota. According to NorthDakotaBeatuy.org, North Dakota has breathtaking views from the Rocky Mountains to the Flathead National Forest. While there are many different activities to do in North Dakota, Bismarck and Mandan have the Missouri River separating the two towns. The riverboat is a famous attraction that many famous people, such as Josh Duhamel have been caught riding. “North Dakota is my favorite state because I grew up here, but also because it is full of so much life and beauty,” Josh Duhamel said. “I loved growing up here going on hikes, camping in the forest without any wind and doing so many more activities that attract people to North Dakota.” While North Dakota has many tourist attractions that bring people from all around the world, one that stands out the most is The Garden of One Thousand Buddhas. “We have many things that bring people to North Dakota, but my favorite thing to tell people about is the Garden of One Thousand Buddhas,” Governor Doug Burgum said. “I tell everyone I run into about the beauty of this wonderful state.” Photo by Aspen Jewkes
Photo by Aspen Jewkes
Opinion 03
April Fools 2021
Aliens Created The Pyramids And There Is Proof — Scout Hurley, E-Girl
Egypt’s pyramids have never been proven to be built by the Egyptians. This being said, if the pyramids were not built by Egyptians, then the only other logical explanation is aliens. The pyramids were created more than 4,500 years ago, notice that this was before cameras were invented. Without cameras there is no way to know that the Egyptians made the pyramids. Without video evidence, scientists across the globe have been led to believe that aliens are responsible for the complex structures. Recently a piece of scrap metal was discovered 9 feet underground, which is 2.3 miles away from the largest pyramid in Egypt. After intense observation, scientists realized that this “metal” was not metal at all. “I analyzed the foreign material for hours on end, and I eventually concluded that this material was not even from our planet,” Chemistry professor Carl Azuz said. This material is projected to have been left or placed here around the same time that the pyramids were created. There are many other reasons as to why they believe this. The Pyramids were built in the exact mathematical center of the earth, which proves that the Egyptians” had far more knowledge of the size of earth than we have been led to believe. However, this does not make sense since rulers were not created until 2500 BC. “Elon Musk said it himself, he believes that the pyramids were simply ahead of their times, and there is no good explanation except for aliens,” Carl Azuz said. The pyramids were also built with extremely heavy materials, that humans 100 years ago likely would not have been able to build these intricate mathematical structures, let alone 4,500 years ago.
News 04
April Fools 2021
Breaking News: Infants are Asinine — McCartney Fix, Ryan Gosling Fanaatic
In a stunning new piece of research published by Oxford University, the long held belief of babies as intelligent beings was challenged. Lead researcher Dr. Preg Nancy, revealed that human beings under the 18 month threshold are in fact just ridiculously stupid, to an extent that is “truly not even funny.” “They are actually just like insanely stupid,” Nancy said. “Like it is a miracle most babies even survive.” The study was performed by putting a number of 18 month old children through trials in order to test their survival instincts. One test had researchers poking the babies with sticks, noting that 90% of children did not respond, while 10% emptied their bowels. A group of people all asked if the study was secretly just an excuse to hit literal infants with sticks, but the researchers have yet to respond to these allegations. Another test involved putting children in a pantry full of plentiful canned goods, enough to last the average human months. It was found that most babies could not even grab proper hold of the can opener, let alone use the incredibly convenient piece of machinery. Another group yet again asked if this experiment was secretly a plot to starve children, receiving no response. Immediately upon the release of the results there was an outcry from those pamper wearing patrons who found the research to be misleading and deeply offensive. One such individual was Jim Jefferson, who in spite of his name, I am assured is not a 75 year old man. “Goo goo gaa gaa mommy mommy” said Jefferson before peeing himself and being swiftly escorted off the premises. Another such dissenter was Twitter user Karen Solittle, a mom who assures us her kid is “honestly so emotionally intelligent for his age,” and “truly understands issues of great geopolitical significance.” When asked for a comment, Karen immediately blocked the official Courier Twitter account, to which the Courier no longer has the password after SOMEONE LOST IT KELSIIIIEEEEEE!!!! In response to this outcry, fellow research manager, Dr. Adop Ted, released a written response some found to be deeply patronizing. “What if we hit those stupid babies,” Ted said. “What are they going to do fight back, oh wait they cannot because they are babies.” Yet again, a focus group asked about Ted’s letter simply remarked that he was perhaps bitter about his unfortunate name, given that he himself is an orphan.
Things Babies Can Do
• Eat • Go potty • Sleep
Things Babies Can Not Do
• Read the Courier • Open cans • File taxes • Get dressed News 05
April Fools 2021
KIA is Canceled KIA has recently been under fire due to allegations made about their cars exploding without warning. The company was forced to recall thousands of cars, leaving KIA owners to wonder when the madness will end. Fellow KIA owner Tiffany Haddish, is in complete rage about the allegations and expects the problem to be fixed immediately. “I have been filing complaints for the past two weeks, and I knew someone who exploded once, so I do not play around with that stuff,” Haddish said. “I am furious because I do not even feel safe in my own car!” To make matters worse other companies such as Ford, Toyota, Dodge, Ram, and Chevy have been recalling all cars, as was requested by president Joe Biden. In a public statement from the CEO of BCC, ( -Big Car Company) and is the company that has recently bought every car company in the world gave some insight as to why all cars in the United States will be recalled. “We have decided to make this decision for the safety of the people,” CEO of BCC Carson Wentz said. “We are running some tests on all cars to prevent sitting comfortably in a driving bomb that will cause certain death.” The public has had a lot to say about the recent decision of the CEO of the company. Most comments on the situation have been negative.
“These allegations against KIA are ridiculous, and I can not believe the decision of Wentz to take our cars away,” fellow car owner Ariana Grande said. “I lead a busy life and I have places to be, so I have no time for this nonsense.” However, the threat is still very real and many fall victim to the car explosions. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” victim James Franco said. “I was driving to Menards to get some supplies for a project, when out of nowhere my car goes up in flames.” KIA owes millions of dollars in damages. We have asked the CEO of KIA for a comment but have yet to hear from him., Cars are expected to be getting back on the road within the next few years, but it was decided that exploding cars are just too dangerous. According to car scientist William Shakespeare, is also expected that KIA will not come back from this scandal and will probably be forced to shut down.
— Leah Emineth, The Florist
All Graphics by Leah Emineth
News 06
April Fools 2021
New High School At Mandan Is No Longer Needed
— Ryan Ulrich, Professional Benchwarmer
Loud, emotional screams fill the halls, while roars of pain suddenly errupt, giving migraines to students. However, this is not because of students receiving their chemistry tests back, but is instead because of the potential decision to build a new school. “Honestly it is totally not cool or whatevs,” premium Corn Hub subscriber Chad Beleni said. “It would be cool but not cool if you can relate to what I am trying to say.” This claim is quite valid as Mandan High School is clearly one of the nicest, fanciests schools in the state according to whenpigsfly. org. The prestigious vibes of Mandan High School fills a place in every student’s heart. “Who does not like the vivid halls and unique design of our school,” future Harvard Softball commit Audrey McKalen said. “The colorful hallways, totally new lockers and exciting outside look really makes Mandan High School stand out from the rest.” Besides also having an insanely unique design, Mandan High School also clearly has one of the finest parking lots in the state. Mandan High’s parking is home to a variety of close spots with students who always know how to park the right way. “The parking at our school is always great,” daily walker Harry Truman said. “I find myself always getting a good spot.” When looking to ask further questions, our interview was cut short as Truman had to fix his parking job, which covered three different handicapped spots. This is just one of many Mandan High School’s finest parking jobs. “Everyone follows exactly where to park,” hardened crook Ted Bundy said. “There are definitely no students in our parking lot that do not know where and how to park.” Besides our great look and terrific parking design, Mandan High School is also by far one of the youngest buildings in the state. However, there are those who try their best to tell you otherwise. “Those stories you see in the main-stream media are all a bunch of propaganda to brainwash our youth towards thinking Mandan needs a new high school,” conspiracy theorist expert Jasmine Walker said. “Those who are truly awake realize that our school is one of the finest in the state.” Thus, who even cares about wanting a new school. All those cries about space, not enough restrooms, the lunchroom only fiting 360 students at a time and the equipment and structure being at the end of its life cycle is just pure nonsense.
Photos by FreshCold, NKCPhoto, samirluther and formulanone from Creative Commons.
All images are actual images of Mandan High School’s awesomeness.
Feature 07
April Fools 2021
Woman Gives Birth To Watermelon — Ariana González, The Extrovert
In the city of Lyon, France, a woman has given birth to a watermelon. Odette Cordonnier, who is 31 years old, reports As the weeks passed, Cordonnier was still at the hospital. having eaten a watermelon seed 9 months prior only to Even after 25 weeks of being at the hospital, the doctors had not experience morning sickness a couple of weeks later. managed to figure out what was in Cordonnier’s womb. “I woke up one morning feeling incredibly sick,” Mrs. “They performed what seemed like thousands of tests on her,” Cordonnier said. “I asked my husband to take me to the doctor Mr. Cordonnier said. “Even after all of that, they found absolutely because something just did not feel right.” nothing. Once they were at On February 27th, the doctor’s office, 2021, Cordonnier they were informed went into labor. that Cordonnier was The doctors pregnant. Cordonnier were incredibly and her husband had concerned as to been wanting a child for how the birth would years. go considering she “I was beyond excited was not birthing a because I have always child. Surprisingly, wanted to be a father,” the birth process Mr. Cordonnier said. went well, but the As the weeks went by, result surprised everything seemed to be everyone. going perfectly for the “It was a couple and their child watermelon,” Mr. who was on the way, Cordonnier said. until they went to the “My wife gave birth doctor’s to find out the to a watermelon sex of the baby. that weighed 22 “While the doctor pounds.” Photo by Nursing Schools Near Me from Creative Commons was performing What surprised the ultrasound, Cordonnier the most, In the picture above, Odette Cordonnier is shown 4 months into her they found that besides the fact that pregnancy with “Jeanette.” my baby had not she had just birthed been developing,” a watermelon that Cordonnier said. “Instead, it was round, like a ball.” weighed 22 pounds, was that she found herself caring about the Doctor Émile Auclair reports not having seen anything like it in watermelon. his entire 40 year long career. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can not help it,” Mrs. “It was mindblowing because the baby was just round, Cordonnier said. “I honestly care about this watermelon as if it shaped like a sphere,” Auclair said. “There were no hands, no was my child.” feet, nothing. We immediately took blood samples from Mrs. She actually the watermelon so much that not only did she keep Cordonnier to run tests and figure out what was wrong with her it, she also named it. child.” “She named it Jeanette, after her mother,” Mr. Cordonnier said. The results of the blood tests showed that Cordonnier was not “I honestly did not know what to do at first, but now I realize that pregnant with a child, however, the tests could not figure out since I love my wife to death, I have to come to terms with the what was inside the womb. Because of this, Cordonnier had to fact that I now have a watermelon child.” stay at the hospital so the doctors could keep running more tests Since the birth of “Jeanette,” the Cordonniers have become the and keep a close watch on her pregnancy. talk of Lyon, as they are seen everywhere carrying a watermelon “I was terrified,” Mrs. Cordonnier said. “I felt like a lab rat the in a stroller. entire time and I could not believe that there was some unknown “A lot of people may say it is dumb or simply outrageous, but I object inside my body.” quite frankly do not care,” said Cordonnier. “I love my child, and
Feature 08
April Fools 2021
6 FT. MHS Students Follow Proper Guidelines At Prom Last Weekend By Social Distancing On The Dance Floor — Kelsie Hildebrand, Dictator The juniors and seniors at Mandan High School were ecstatic to hear that prom was officially on. The students instantly started booking appointments and finding dates. “Once I heard I was able to go to my junior prom, I knew I wanted to spend the night with my best friend,” super senior Taylor Swift said. “Despite the guidelines, it was a magical night.” With the cancellation of prom last year, many seniors attended the iconic dance for the first time. Unfortunately, this special night was still affected by COVID-19 with the preconceived notion that masks would be required. “As a supervisor over the weekend, I was thoroughly impressed by how well the students distanced themselves from their friends and dates,” English teacher Seth Peterson said. “All the chaperone’s did an amazing job enforcing the rules for the safety of all attendees.” COVID-19 can not be taken lightly hence the need for social distancing and sanitizing at social gatherings. With the mask mandate at the function, many students bought matching, decorative masks due to the expectation of formal prom attire. “I bought two of the same pantsuits for my DIY mask,” Swift said. “If I was required to wear a mask, it better be stylish right?” The DJ played some bussin jams, which made it very hard for the students to stay away from each other. When the time came for all the couples to slow dance, everyone wore their masks correctly and consistently. “It was especially important for the students to follow the rules while slow dancing since they were so close,” Peterson said. “Some students even doubled up!” The students danced all night long until they were kicked out by administration. After the dance, many students went home because of the long day and ongoing pandemic. “Due to COVID-19, all my friends parted ways after the dance,” Swift said. “It was truly a spectacular night.” Parents and students filed complaints against the guidelines, but the number of cases has not skyrocketed because of the safety precautions MHS took. Granting that it was hot and musty, the students had a wonderful night. “While everyone complained about the masks and social distancing, the students were beyond grateful for the opportunity to go to prom,” Peterson said. “Administration strived for the event to happen because it truly was the cherry on top of a melted ice cream sundae type of year.”
Feature 09
BABIES ARE NOT DUMB
Stupid babies are statistically 10 times more likely to be attacked by a dog than fish are. This must come to an end, if you are not trying to help, you are a part of the problem.
Contact www.babiesarenotdumb.com to end violence against stupid babies.
Photo sourced from Creative Commons by mia_mae
Babies Do Not Deserve Voting Rights!
This has gone on far too long, babies continue to claim to be intelligent, while the average IQ of a baby is only 12! They continue to lie, day after day.
Please contact 1(800)DUM-BABY to help Photo sourced from Creative Commons by Sean_L1
