Rewriting Your Story After Tragedy

Rewriting Your Story

After Tragedy

WRITTEN BY ANDREA BLINDT

As a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world. I imagined getting married and starting a family on my timeline. I envisioned a smooth pregnancy documented by weekly bump reports and concluding with an adorable blanket-wrapped bundle snuggled safely in my arms.

Unfortunately for me, and millions of other families around the world, the reality of having a baby can be much harder than we think. Miscarriage and infant death occur more often than people share. This can create isolation, shame and immense pain and suffering to those facing these challenges.

My journey into motherhood started with an invasive eight-hour surgery to remove a mass on my left ovary that left my fertility potential limited. I had stage four endometriosis and scarred fallopian tubes, which made matters more complex.

Still, I was determined to become a mother and I trusted that one day I would have a family despite the medical challenges I faced.

It took multiple rounds of fertility treatments, hundreds of injections, multiple surgeries, failed insemination cycles, two miscarriages and a complicated IVF cycle before I successfully became pregnant with twins. I thought getting pregnant would be my biggest obstacle, but staying pregnant turned out to be an even bigger task for me.

I was over the moon excited when I saw my twins nestled safely inside my warm cozy uterus. I watched as their brilliant hearts flickered and their perfect bodies grew day by day. I started dreaming about life with them and prepared our home, setting up cribs, buying outfits and soft blankets, installing car seats in the car I would get to drive them home in. I was excited to see my dreams finally merge with my reality.

Everything felt perfect, until suddenly it wasn’t. At 17 weeks pregnant I was hospitalized. I spent two long months holding back preterm labor, and then an unfortunate series of events led to the premature delivery of my twins at 26 weeks gestation.

The day they were born, my world slowed and then after five hope-filled days fighting for my babies’ lives, everything came crashing down around me. My twins were suffering; unimaginable medical complications riddled their innocent bodies, and I was faced with the impossible decision to withdraw life support. My biggest dream of becoming a mother was ending with one of the most painful decisions I have ever made. I knew I loved them, and that I wanted to end their suffering more than anything. I also knew that I wanted to hold them and kiss them, I wanted to tell them how loved, how worthy and how wanted they were. I cherished the moments I spent holding them in my arms as they took their final breaths and then, hand-in-hand my twins died, and I was left to live, empty handed and broken hearted.

I continued to pump and donate my breastmilk to other babies in need, my milk and the incision on my abdomen were the only physical reminders that they had ever existed, that this was my reality. I was a mom without any living children. I was incredibly sad and felt very alone. My family and friends didn’t know how to approach infant loss, so most of them avoided the topic or pushed me to heal quicker than I was able to.

Feeling alone but deeply determined, I knew what needed to happen in order to achieve my dream. I couldn’t change the past, but I could create a different future. I chose to walk through the pain instead of allowing it to bury me further under its cloak of darkness and despair. I knew that in order to truly heal, I would need to feel the pain of their loss.

Like the adventure into motherhood, my healing took time, dedication and faith. I trusted that new life would grow from the ashes of my loss, and by healing my body and strengthening my mind, I was able to successfully deliver four more living babies. My life and journey into motherhood looked nothing like I imagined it would, but through the pain I am able to see the beautiful blessings I have – all because I chose to persevere.

My hope for you is that wherever you are on your parenting journey, whether it be dreaming of becoming a parent or actively working toward that dream, that you feel loved, supported in community and full of hope and endurance as you reach your dreams, even when they look a little different than you imagined. My heart is with yours and I believe that anything is possible. I know that you are worthy. You are capable, you are loved and you are deserving of having all your dreams become a reality.

Andrea Blindt is a mother of six, registered nurse, storyteller, holistic health practitioner and visionary. She uses her personal healing journey to bring wisdom and hope to her patients. She understands that each person is unique, much like the root cause of the obstacles they encounter. She meets each client where they are, and comes up with an individualized plan on how best to help them reach their goals. She is also being featured in a new book titled Lineage Speaks that will be released this month.