Mum Guilt Stopped Me From Being A Good Parent

by Laura Fox

IT’S EARLY EVENING, AND MY HUSBAND HAS ENCOURAGED ME TO HAVE SOME TIME TO MYSELF. I HAVE A STRESSFUL JOB, OUR DAUGHTER IS TEETHING, AND I’M RECOVERING FROM POSTNATAL DEPRESSION. HE REASSURES ME HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF OUR LITTLE GIRL, AFFECTIONATELY CALLING IT “DADDY DAUGHTER TIME.”

But I can’t just relax. I can’t just sit here. As much as I try, all I can see are the things I should be doing. I race around the home to get all of these jobs done. By the time I’m finished, I’m too exhausted to have any downtime. My husband has successfully got my daughter to sleep so I collapse into bed.

The next day arrives, and I’m stressed as soon as I wake up. I’m snapping at my daughter, the prospect of being late to drop her off at the childminders is making my chest unbearably tight. I snap at my husband, although I didn’t catch what he said so I’m not sure why I just snapped at him.

Evening arrives, and it’s suggested again that I have some time to myself. I accept the offer, but I don’t use the time to relax. Because mum guilt told me I couldn’t.

I successfully drop off my daughter at the childminders and race back home to tidy up. I’m working from home and my husband has suggested I use this time before work starts to relax. I can’t. It feels so wrong. I quickly tidy up and start my work early.

This was my life for months. And I couldn’t understand why I was soangry and resentful. I realised it was mum guilt and in punishing myself; I had been punishing everyone else around me.

This realisation created more mum guilt. What if me being so stressed out was messing up my daughter? What if her childhood memories of me are just me shouting?

By bottling up my feelings, I convinced myself I was alone. I saw other mums as perfect beings without any of the issues I faced.

Then I talked to my mum friends. And they felt exactly the same as I do.

We have to make mistakes in life. It is how we grow and improve. Motherhood is no different.

I remember as a child I desperately wanted my mum to like me and support me. I have no memory of “mistakes” like too much TV, eating the wrong foods, her occasionally snapping at me, or any of the things I berate myself for as a mother. But what I do remember is the general feeling of my childhood. And it wasn’t a happy feeling.

You don’t need to be perfect in order to create happy memories for your children. You just need to love them and let them know you are always on their side.

Laura Fox

Mother, Writer and Wife. I write to heal myself and others.

Read more about mum guilt in this issue.