Mum Guilt Stopped Me From Being A Good Parent By Laura Fox
Mum guilt is irrational. I know this. But it doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Just because I know something isn’t necessarily true, it doesn’t stop it from hitting a nerve and making me insecure. So what can mums like me do about mum guilt? It would appear it can’t be eradicated and some level of mum guilt is normal. Accepting I will experience mum guilt has made dealing with it a lot easier. It also means I have been able to implement the following strategies.
Taking time for me. IT’S EARLY EVENING, AND MY HUSBAND HAS ENCOURAGED ME TO HAVE SOME TIME TO MYSELF. I HAVE A STRESSFUL JOB, OUR DAUGHTER IS TEETHING, AND I’M RECOVERING FROM POSTNATAL DEPRESSION. HE REASSURES ME HE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF OUR LITTLE GIRL, AFFECTIONATELY CALLING IT “DADDY DAUGHTER TIME.”
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ut I can’t just relax. I can’t just sit here. As much as I try, all I can see are the things I should be doing. I race around the home to get all of these jobs done. By the time I’m finished, I’m too exhausted to have any downtime. My husband has successfully got my daughter to sleep so I collapse into bed.
angry and resentful. I realised it was mum guilt and in punishing myself; I had been punishing everyone else around me.
The next day arrives, and I’m stressed as soon as I wake up. I’m snapping at my daughter, the prospect of being late to drop her off at the childminders is making my chest unbearably tight. I snap at my husband, although I didn’t catch what he said so I’m not sure why I just snapped at him.
I feel judged a lot as a mother, even when I am not being judged. I can post an innocent question about something baby-related on Facebook, then feel judged by what is actually supportive advice.
I successfully drop off my daughter at the childminders and race back home to tidy up. I’m working from home and my husband has suggested I use this time before work starts to relax. I can’t. It feels so wrong. I quickly tidy up and start my work early. Evening arrives, and it’s suggested again that I have some time to myself. I accept the offer, but I don’t use the time to relax. Because mum guilt told me I couldn’t. This was my life for months. And I couldn’t understand why I was so 40
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This realisation created more mum guilt. What if me being so stressed out was messing up my daughter? What if her childhood memories of me are just me shouting?
Mum guilt tells me everyone else is doing better than me and if I was a good mum, I would already know these things. Nearly 90 per cent of mothers experience mum guilt. It’s almost inescapable in the society we live in as there is a lot of pressure on mothers to be a certain way.
I’ve tried putting myself last in order to meet the ideal image of the “self-sacrificing mother.” It only resulted in having zero energy to put others first. So everyone lost out. And my mum guilt got worse. An hour of me-time doesn’t cancel out the rest of the hours in the day. I spend those hours putting my daughter first, often at the expense of my own needs. Having some time to feel human again doesn’t make me selfish. I have been having me-time each evening while my daughter is in bed. And I am a better mum because of it. Even if I do nothing productive with my time, it gives me a chance to re-centre myself and organise my thoughts. It’s also nice not having a toddler wipe her food on me or headbutt my face.
Sharing my feelings with other mums. By bottling up my feelings, I convinced myself I was alone. I saw other mums as perfect beings without any of the issues I faced. Then I talked to my mum friends. And they felt exactly the same as I do.
We have to make mistakes in life. It is how we grow and improve. Motherhood is no different.
