Healing from the Pain of Unexpected Loss By James W. Osborne, MS, LPC
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n the more than 40 years I have been a practicing psychotherapist, I have worked with many people who have experienced unexpected/traumatic loss, including combat veterans, first responders, family members of homicide victims, people experiencing the unexpected death of a loved one, and those suffering physical disfigurement and/or mental anguish. In nearly all cases I have found some common threads that help people to mend the tears to their psyches and souls. Acknowledging the New Reality An important first step to healing following an unexpected loss is acknowledging the event and its significance—moving from “I can’t believe this” and “this did not happen” to “I know that this is a new reality.” Key in making this shift is the awareness and acceptance that life is transitory. It is important that one stay grounded and in the present. As Bessel van der Kolk has stated, “Trauma treatment is about helping people to be here now, to tolerate what they feel right in the present.” Initially, a person may experience hurt, anger, and a sense of loss: “why did this happen to me?” or “this is unfair.” Acknowledging that life is transitory and
fragile helps us to put into perspective that death and tragedy are parts of life. This effort at detachment is not to minimize the event or how we experience the event; rather, it is to place the loss more directly
What happened is not about us but about the loss of the other, and we must find meaningful ways to honor the person—both publicly and privately—and to allow their memory to carry on in the present. into focus. What happened is not about us but about the loss of the other, and we must find meaningful ways to honor the person—both publicly and privately—and to allow their memory to carry on in the present. Ritual and cultural traditions can assist with this—recognizing and honoring what our loved one wanted as ritual is paramount. For example, a person may relay a desire to be cremated or buried in a certain manner and the family will ignore
those wishes because they do not approve. Such behavior is inconsistent with honoring the person and is therefore ultimately counterproductive to the healing process. Acknowledge Their Importance The second thread in healing is gratitude. Being thankful, grateful, and appreciative of the role the person has played in your life allows us to find ways to carry that person forward with us. Recognizing and embracing how their presence has helped define the person you are now and how you relate to others in the world keeps their positive influence alive. By expressing your gratitude and love for the person, in public and private, you keep their memory vibrant and influential. For example, a former mentor of mine had a remarkable intervention for me. He would be instructing me on a topic or skill set and I would say “I know, I know,” at which point he would slap me in the back of the head, like a Zen master, and say, “to know and not to do, is not to know.” I often relate that story and its value to people I work with and as a result, I am honoring my mentor. He lives on in my life, awareness, actions, and now in the lives of my friends, colleagues, students, and clients. www.NaturalNutmeg.com
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