You Want to Trust…but Experience Tells You Not To By Deborah K. Krevalin, LPC, LMHC
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and validated without rebuttal or defense. Dependability is vital— s a psychotherapist and relationship specialist, I hear the always showing up, no matter what, without excuse, is another word “trust” quite often in therapy sessions. In fact, lack of expression of trust (and love) in relationships. It may not be the trust is one of the top causes when relationships start to desexiest quality a partner brings to the table, but dependability is a teriorate. Trust is a necessary ingredient for happy and successful relationships, romantic and otherwise. Yet the ability to trust others rock-solid, necessary trust-builder. can be elusive for so many of us and without it, Conflict is inevitable in relationships; even happy, healthy, and high-functioning relationships the most stable, loving partners won’t always cannot be sustained. agree. However, the ability to resolve conflict in Couples counseling is an healthy, constructive ways is another sign that opportunity to learn skills Why Can Some People Trust trust exists within a relationship. The problem that enable partners to More Easily Than Others? is that many couples have not acquired the have and maintain healthy Like many therapeutic explanations, childhood tools needed for healthy conflict resolution. For and loving relationships. plays a key role in the answer to this question. example, poor communication can create stress The type of attachment we had to our parents or and mistrust, weakening the connection and caregivers in childhood is a precipitating factor bond. In this case, the door to other damaging in our ability to trust as adults. Our early attachrelationship problems has been opened. The ability to successments serve as a model of how we view the world and the people fully work through disagreements is an excellent barometer for in it. Children who grow up in an environment where the people trustworthiness in a relationship. around them are dependable, caring, and trustworthy will have a Communication Is the Holy Grail of All Successful Relationships greater propensity to trust others in adulthood. Conversely, a child whose mother or caregiver is mercurial, unreliable, and apathetic If “it takes two to tango,” it certainly takes two partners to create (and/or neglectful, unkind, or abusive) will more than likely have healthy communication. In many ways, partners are as enmeshed difficulty with trust as an adult. When we have not processed and in each other’s lives as they are in their own. Isn’t this what we healed old wounds from childhood, we struggle with forging and sign up for when we begin an intimate relationship? Bottom maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood. Our emotional line—it’s paramount that couples learn how to communicate with hurts make it hard for us to trust others—feeling unlovable or each other, and to do this, they must develop the skills. If we want unworthy of a caring relationship is another example of the “emoour relationships to have legs, it’s imperative to have exceptional, tional fallout” from unresolved pain. The truth is, a lack of trust in well-oiled tools, and here is why: When communication between childhood poses a significant threat to our ability to have healthy, two partners is subpar, they will grow apart over time. When trusting relationships in adulthood. this happens, relationships become vulnerable to problems such as lack of intimacy, frequent arguments, criticizing or belittling, What Does Trust Look Like? feeling unseen and unheard, infidelity, and loneliness, which all In healthy, successful relationships, trust takes shape in culminate in the loss of interest in the relationship and ultimately, numerous ways. Healthy couples understand the importance of complete disengagement. listening to their partner, really listening, conscious listening with empathy. There is great power in being truly heard, understood, www.NaturalNutmeg.com
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