transitions at any age…

story by | kathleen wrigley

Okay. We’re friends, right. I can be honest with you. I tried to spin this issue’s column with light-hearted humor and laughter. But, the more I write the heavier my heart. Our family is in the midst of a transition. We are thrilled, but…

Like the comedian & actor, Billy Crystal, once said, “Change is such hard work.” There’s no getting around it. Transitions are challenging. But, change is a part of living. If we don’t experience change, we can’t grow. And, if we aren’t growing, we certainly aren’t living. Try explaining this to a child. These creatures yearn for stability, structure, and a plan. I suppose we all do, really. There’s safety and a sense of power and control in knowing what to expect next.

That said, change broadens our horizons and can be exhilarating and exciting, even if it is exhausting and scary. Life’s transitions often generate opportunity and hope and elevate our courage...if we so choose.

This is the route we decided to take when sitting our children down to tell them that their worlds are about to change.

Last November, Governor-designate Jack Dalrymple appointed my husband, Drew, to be his Lieutenant. Drew was honored to be considered and proudly accepted. As a general rule in our house, it’s the big people who make the big decisions and little people follow their lead. But, none of us, no matter our age or rank, is immune to the effects of change. And, most of the time, if the big people are paying attention, we learn from watching the wee ones.

We were so eager to share this news with the kids--the evening before the official announcement. Timing of this disclosure was carefully crafted. We sat down to dinner and Drew headlined what was about to happen: “So guys, you know that we have a new Governor. You remember Jack Dalrymple. Well, he gets to pick someone to be his Lieutenant Governor…and well, he asked Daddy to join his team as his Lieutenant.” SILENCE.

Drew: “So…whadya’ think about that?”

MORE SILENCE.

I think we were a little stunned by their reactions. I completely misread how they’d respond and underestimated the consequences this transition will bring to their pediatric lives.

Patrick [8] immediately declined to move to Bismarck with us--like it was an invitation. He was quite serious… and sad. His school buddies had already extended their home to him, and he decided it would be best if he just moved in with them.

I explained that we’re all in this together and together we’ll build new friendships and expand our experiences. We’ll find our way…together…to which Patrick replied through tears, “But, mommy, I’m afraid my old friends will forget why they even liked me in the first-place.”

Patrick crawled into bed later that night, still so sad about leaving everything he knows, and told Drew he thought he’d be ok, but “still should probably sign up for a session with the guidance counselor at school tomorrow.”

This child has a tender-heart. His impulse is to talk about this next phase while taking baby steps to acceptance.

Harper’s reaction brought levity to the situation. Even Patrick snorted through his tears. Trying to console her big brother, she patted Patrick on the back and with her cute lisp told him, “It’s ok, Pathwick. You be ahh-wight. And, you can come wif us. And, Quinny can come wif us, too. And I can come wif us…wight Daddy. Can I come wif us, too, Daddy? We awe doe-ing to move to the Fahgo-Dome wif Eh-mo and my best fwends, Zoe and Tookie Monstah. It is so gweat, Pathwick. You be ahh-wight.” Who knew that seeing Sesame Street Live at the Fargodome just weeks prior would have left such an impact? At 2 ½, this child was digesting transition the only way she knew how: with Elmo by her side.

Our oldest—a very resourceful child—Quinn tried to reassure her little brother [and herself ] by attempting to finagle a ride to and from school every day via…the state plane! This would mean, “We could go to the same school and not have to leave our friends.” Quite a scheme for a fourth grader, but rest-assured fellow tax-payers: this is not in our plan!

Instead, we agreed to paint her new room yellow, her favorite color, “for her whole life.” Knowing that through this transition, she’d be surrounded in yellow somehow provided a sense of comfort and confidence. She’s on-board. Full-steam ahead…filled with yellow.

None of us—no matter how old or young—is immune to the effects of transitions.

Watching these little people process this transition shows us that we are all unique—no matter our age, experience or height. We hear, react to, process, and accept change in our own way. Ironically, appreciating our individuality enables us to tackle this transition as a team.

Time is a gift in many ways. Time allows us to digest transitions and offers a chance to shape a new plan. It absorbs the shock and settles us into acceptance of life’s transitions.

And, so with every passing day, the kids are more and more excited to look at homes on the internet. They can’t wait to try out the water park in Bismarck. They’re looking forward to connecting with new friends, and finding fun ways to stay in touch with old ones.

I understand how our kids are feeling. I’ve moved several times and know how this works. I am sick to leave all things familiar and comfortable: our family, our church family, the kids’ school & its staff, my friends, the gym, running groups, my hairdresser, our doctors and even the pharmacist, who has come to know us well!

Patrick, you’re not alone. Mommy [secretly] fears her Fargo friends will “forget why they liked me in the first-place,” too.

Yes, transitions are felt by everyone, no matter how tall or small you stand. They can be a painful process, but transitions always bring growth, enrichment and excitement.

Stay tuned…

Kathleen is a stay-at-home mom who serves on a number of community boards/committees, is active in her church, kids’ school, and politics and runs to sustain her own mental health! This Philadelphia native is married to a fourth generation North Dakotan, Drew, and proudly considers North Dakota her home. They have three children. Before becoming a mom, she was director for Bismarck’s Child Advocacy Center and was a speech writer. Kathleen received a BS from The Pennsylvania State University and completed her graduate studies at Temple University, in Philadelphia.