trusting fate kim jacobson

story by | patricia carlson

She wanted it so badly. For three years she waited and each day she recited the same prayer…

Dear God,

You have said that if I have the faith of a mustard seed, anything is possible. I believe you. I believe that I will have children. And I thank you.

Her prayers were heard and eventually answered in ways she never imagined.

Trusting Fate

Kim Jacobson greets you with a hug, not some stuffy handshake. That’s the kind of person she is. She’s confident, sincere, passionate, funny and just plain likable. She’s a friend you want in your circle. You know that friend that makes you laugh so hard you’re sore the next day, but also the one you can go to for advice with no fear of ever being judged? That’s Kim.

There’s nothing more important to Kim than being a good mom. You sense that from the moment you meet her as she gushes about her family. “We’re a tribe,” she says with a smile. “Sydney [16] is strong willed in all the ways that count. Reed [14] is simply the sweetest boy ever. Tate [5] is also strong willed, but he’s also very thoughtful.”

Kim is also quick to point out that the parenting journey teenagers in the house. “I use the word ‘gift’ a lot,” she says. However, she’ll also throw in funny references to her younger days, which takes the heaviness out of weighty conversations. And she is open about her love of God.

“I want to be the mom that my kids know isn’t afraid to read the Bible and learn more,” she says. “I can’t imagine raising kids without faith. Tate has even started saying a ‘Good Morning God’ prayer with me every morning.”

Kim ensures her kids know that they are a priority in her life, even though she is incredibly busy juggling no less than four jobs: hair stylist at Hair Success, resort owner of Jacob’s Cove, and Hope Lutheran Church South’s coffee shop coordinator and 9th grade confirmation coordinator. “Everybody is busy,” she says. “But it’s a she has shared with husband Rob has been one filled with purpose and gratitude. “What I do with my kids will be my gift to the world,” she states. “We’re being intentional about how we’re raising our kids.”

One of the ways she does this is by talking to her kids. Sounds simple enough, right? But Kim has elevated her communication style into an art form where honesty and humor are honored above all else. She is frank about sensitive subjects like sex, especially with two choice to be busy with what’s important. I try to be the busiest with my kids.”

That much work plus parenting might prove too much to handle for some moms but Kim’s sister, Sandy Prudhomme, says the combination has actually made Kim a better mom and friend.

“Those are things she loves and enjoys. She’s a people person,” says Sandy. “I think the things she does in her life are her way of giving back to herself because she gets enjoyment out of them. She has a good sense of balance.” plans unmet and doing hair. He wasn't interested in moving or a long distance relationship. A choice to stay was made!”

It’s that special fusion of communication, faith, life experience and prioritizing parenting that makes her such a compassionate and comforting friend. Kim understands everyone’s journey toward becoming a mom is different because her journey has taken so many turns—some unforeseen, some thrilling, and yes, some tragic.

Kim, the youngest of five girls raised by a single mother, knew she wanted to be a mom from a young age. Her mom, Shirley Howdahl, worked tirelessly to provide for her girls and that work ethic certainly rubbed off on Kim.

“I was looking for someone ‘non-pretentious’ and she fit the bill,” says Rob. “On our first date we split a medium pizza for supper and I liked that she didn't push around a salad on her plate and say she was full.”

After four years of dating, they married. “He makes me laugh every single day,” Kim gushes. “He’s a kind, funny man with very dry humor. I see him say some things that go over other people’s heads, but I get him.”

The newlyweds created what they thought was the perfect plan. Be married for two years; have two kids, a boy then a girl. But four years later, Kim and Rob

As class valedictorian, she dreamed of studying graphic design in California. But two things got in the way: one, tuition and living expenses and two, a guy named Rob.

“It was quite a bit cheaper to become a resident of California first so I thought if I became a hair stylist I could earn a living as I waited for the residency to kick in,” says Kim. “In the mean time I fell in love with Rob were still childless even after several rounds of fertility treatments. Thinking she’d be unable to carry a child, Kim felt like a failure.

“They say infertility is a couple’s issue, but I felt responsible for our inability to have kids. I even told Rob he should divorce me and find someone to have children with,” Kim remembers. “I knew he would be a great dad and

I didn't want to be the thing that held him back from that experience.” the babies

But Rob wasn’t going anywhere, “I always told her that if the worst thing that happened is that we were married with no kids; that would be fine with me,” he states simply. Then she got pregnant.

Several weeks into the pregnancy, Kim and Rob headed for their initial ultrasound. They left devastated. Kim had an ectopic pregnancy.

“I felt so sorry for the ultrasound tech that kept trying to find the baby’s heartbeat and couldn't,” recalls Rob. “It was like we knew what was going on, but she didn't have the heart or maybe authority to tell us at that immediate time.”

Kim was hurt. And mad. “I had finally achieved a pregnancy and it was just in the wrong spot,” she states.

Still she prayed and one night she received a sign. “I had a dream and I was told I’d have children,” Kim explains, her eyes shining. It was 3am, but she couldn’t wait to tell her husband. “I woke Rob up and shouted, ‘We’re gonna have kids!’ And he goes, ‘now?!’” she recalls with a chuckle.

That dream solidified things for Kim. “It was too real,” she says emphatically. “I knew it was going to happen.”

She just didn’t know how. But something in Kim had shifted. She no longer held onto the belief that she needed to get pregnant to have a child. She knew she was meant to be a mother. It was just a matter of time.

Kim and Rob continued their fertility treatments and, just in case, they started the adoption process. As the couple finished their application, they found out Kim was pregnant with twins.

Based on their prior experience, Kim and Rob were understandably nervous, but also excited. “She had a great pregnancy,” says Rob. “She pulled my arm out of socket many times to feel the babies move and kick!”

Six months flew by. Memories of their last grieved pregnancy drifted away. Then something went wrong. Kim went into early labor.

“I knew that if the twins were born, they weren’t going to make it,” she says quietly. As she waited with so much uncertainty, Kim knew she needed to pray. “I remember thinking ‘I don’t even know what to pray for right now.’

Then I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to pray for strength. And that’s what I did.”

Martell and Natalie were born minutes apart. The girls were no bigger than a soda can with tiny hands the size of Kim’s thumb. For a few minutes, Kim and Rob watched as both girls’ chests moved quietly up and down, clinging to their first, and last, breaths of life. Then, as quickly as they entered the world, they passed away.

“When you have a child it opens up a spot in your heart you didn’t know existed, even if it was just for a brief moment,” says Kim softly as she wipes away tears.

For many people, the twins’ loss would seem unfair. Cruel, even. Especially to a couple as faith-driven as Kim and Rob. But their faith is precisely what pulled the couple through the terrible ordeal.

“It's hard to explain so that it makes sense to others, but having the twins was a very spiritual experience,” begins Rob, before continuing, “It was like we could look at each other and know each other's thoughts for the few hours of that experience. During and afterward the best word to describe our feelings is gratitude. We weren't overly sad, anxious, or bitter when the twins were born and died minutes later. I think it made some people feel uneasy, however we didn't choose to feel that way, we believe it was a gift.”

In a way, Kim felt freed by the twins’ short lives. She had done her best. She had endured months—years, even—of invasive fertility treatments. She had given up her body to science. And still, she had no babies to bring home. So, she forgave herself.

“I remember thinking, ‘I’m done being a fertility patient,’” she says. “Yes, it wasn’t fair what happened to our twins. It didn’t turn out the way we’d dreamed or hoped. But I also realized that I had never gotten out of the way of God giving us a child. I needed to feel the peace of God—and I did the day I gave birth to the twins. Now I needed to let Him take over.”

Ten days later, Kim and Rob got the call that their adoption application was accepted and the process could begin. And almost a year to the day the twins were born, Kim held her baby girl, Sydney, for the first time. chosen

Months earlier, a teenage girl named Carmen Kunz from western North Dakota found out she was pregnant.

“I was 19,” she remembers. “I knew that I personally couldn’t give that baby what she needed. My dad, who I am very close with, looked at me and said I had three options: abortion, adoption or raising the baby.”

Carmen says she knew what she had to do. She began poring through prospective parents’ letters from a local adoption agency. After she read Kim and Rob’s letter, she didn’t need to read another.

“They wrote in their letter that they were ‘open to options,’” Carmen explains. “I didn’t really know what that meant, but it sounded promising. Maybe I was being a little bit selfish still—I was only a kid—but I knew I wanted to know about this baby and see her every so often because I would always love her.”

Kim was certain there was enough love to go around with whomever her child’s birth family was going to be. “I didn’t want our child to wake up one day and meet her mother. I wanted her to know that whole family,” she says.

Finally, the day came. And when they saw Sydney for the first time, their hearts melted.

“I said to her, ‘So you’re what an answer to a prayer looks like,’” recalls Kim with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t know how I’d feel when I adopted. I worried I wouldn’t feel the same thing as I did with the twins. But I fell in love. It was the same.”

Kim and Rob knew their bliss could be temporary. Carmen had six weeks in which she could change her mind. Instead of fretting about that possibility, Kim took a surprising approach.

“I told Carmen that we are going to take Sydney home and love her,” she said, adding, “but I would bring her back and place her with love in Carmen’s arms if that’s what she wanted.”

Carmen says that was never an option in her mind and she gave her final blessing at Sydney’s adoption ceremony. “We all connected,” she says. “I think Sydney got a great set of parents. They have been a part of our family from the start, and we have been a part of theirs.”

That may be a bit of an understatement. Carmen, now married [Sydney was a flower girl in her wedding] with three girls, is a fixture in the Jacobson’s world, as is Kim and her clan in Carmen’s life. The families talk often, celebrate milestones with one another and have even vacationed together.

As much as Kim feels blessed that Carmen bestowed her the ultimate gift, Carmen feels blessed that Sydney has Kim for a mom because she thinks Sydney has been nurtured in the best possible way.

“I’ve wondered about that because I’m a little bit uptight about things and a little more nervous and we all have our quirks and I think for her to be raised by Kim has completely brought out the woman that she’s going to be,” raves Carmen. “I don’t think I could’ve done that as fast as Kim has.”

Sydney says she has the best of both worlds. “My relationship with Carmen is like two friends,” she explains. “We can talk about anything and we have the same sense of humor, so we laugh at everything! I can’t imagine that Carmen and I would have the relationship we do if we had been mother and daughter instead of Sydney and Carmen. Not many people that I’ve met that are adopted know their birth parents. Not only do I know my birth mom, but she and I are really close. It’s a blessing to have her in my life.”

More Than A Sister

Meanwhile, Kim’s sister Sandy was watching, fascinated, as her youngest sister blossomed into a beautiful mother, all the time wondering if she should bring up an idea that would help Kim and Rob add another child to their family.

“When I was a teenager I saw a news story about surrogacy. I thought, ‘Someday I could do that,’” Sandy remembers. “When the twins passed away I heard a little voice in my head say, ‘Now’s the time.’”

Just over a year after Sydney was born, Sandy decided the time seemed right to share her surrogacy idea. The answer was a no-brainer for both families.

“I think if it had been a best friend or my sister or anybody that I really truly cared about, I would’ve done it,” says Sandy of her decision. “I felt so blessed that I had children and had them easily and my kids were a gift to me. To give that to someone else was a gift too. That person happened to be Kim.”

As a mom, Shirley says she couldn’t be more proud of her two daughters who embarked on this incredible journey together. “You can’t ask for anything more. What a selfless gift to give your sister,” she says.

The months flew by and soon Reed came into the world. With years of struggle behind her, Kim was finally the mom to two perfect kids, like she had always dreamed. She was complete. Or so she thought.

The Surprise

One day at Hair Success, a client familiar with Kim’s quest to become a mom asked her if she was done having children. She was 40, happily married and mom to two spunky siblings. She was styling hair, getting more involved at church and helping her husband run their resort. Was she done?

“I said, ‘With God’s sense of humor I will probably have one egg left and be one day away from menopause and He’ll bless me with a child!’” Kim recalls with a hearty laugh. And that’s exactly what happened.

“I thought Kim was going through ‘the change’ because she was in her 40's and always hot,” chuckles Rob. “Kim is never hot unless we are walking in some zoo and it's 105 degrees! I had a hard time fathoming that she was pregnant, but it made sense.”

“I had been waiting my whole life to see another positive mark on a pregnancy test,” says Kim. “And I believe God wanted Tate in this world just as much as I did. From that moment of realization, I could breathe again. There was no more need to hold my breath about this pregnancy.”

Shirley was just as ecstatic as her daughter to have a new grandchild on which to dote. “I couldn’t believe it. I really wanted her to be able to experience carrying a child because she had fought so hard to do so,” she says.

After a complicated 21-hour labor, Tate was delivered via C-section. It wasn’t the birth plan she wanted, but if Kim knew anything about motherhood, it’s that it’s unpredictable.

And all that mattered was that Tate was here.

Today, Sydney, Reed and Tate are typical siblings who love—and argue—with one another. Kim is getting to enjoy a second round of parenting without the pressure she put on herself in her younger years.

“I’ve learned to just be in the moment with my kids,” she says. “I’ve seen how fast they grow up. I didn’t choose to be an older mom. I just prayed really hard for those kids so I don’t take them for granted at all. They’re not possessions. They’re gifts and I get to raise them.”

experience & growth

If you ask Kim what’s most important to her, the list rattles off her tongue without a second thought.

“Family; a good, strong marriage; motherhood; God,” she states. They are all intertwined, each made stronger by the other. And for Kim, each has been tested.

“Part of growing through that kind of experience is to be able to talk about it and use it to help others who might be going through similar situations and Kim is able to do that,” sums up Pastor Chuck Olmstead. “In fact, I would say she wanted to do that—to give help, hope and healing from who she is and through what she has experienced and how she had grown in grace, strength and hope through that.”

Kim will always remember the strain infertility put on her soul and marriage. Nothing will ever take away the pain she felt from losing babies in her early pregnancies. But she has also felt incredible—and at times, indescribable—joy and gratitude. “If you think you’re not going to get something and you get it and get it in such a variety of ways—two unselfish acts by two women and a gift from God—that’s pretty amazing. How could I not share that with people?” Kim wonders aloud.

“The neatest thing about Kim is that she didn’t care how her children came to her,” explains Sandy. “She was passionate about being a mom and however her children came to her, she’d love them the same.”

When you become a mom, you realize how important it is to have a variety of other mom friends. The artsy mom who encourages you to get messy with your kiddos. The eco mom who keeps you up to date on earth friendly baby raising. The siblings mom who has more children than you and shows you how to steer that ship. The active mom who is always organizing play dates and stroller walks. The older mom who had kids later in life and has a milder, some might say, wiser perspective on parenting. Kim Jacobson is all of those moms wrapped into one stellar mom. Perhaps the young girl from western North Dakota who chose Kim to be her daughter’s mom 16 years ago, describes Kim best.

“Watching Kim with her kids is like watching that mother down the street and you say to yourself, ‘I’d like to meet her,’” says Carmen. “She’s who every mother should strive to be.”