The
“No Hugs!”
8
Emily Gard
12
Building hope and awareness to end suicide
15
Pregnancy and infant loss resources for you to turn to
16
Connecting our community to the power of classical music
18
Cost-saving comfort foods
22
Stephanie Hoff finds her lane
25
It’s not the same as gaming
Parenting in a heavy world is hard 30
RAD DAD Hugh Drexel
32
Violent video games are ruining our children
Minds
moms@forumcomm.com
PUBLISHER Forum Communications Company
EDITOR Mary Jo Hotzler mhotzler@forumcomm.com
MANAGING EDITOR Danielle Teigen danielle.teigen@forumcomm.com
WRITERS Melissa Davidson Paula Quam Jessica Rerick Danielle Teigen
ADVERTISING Lisa Tillotson adfeatures@forumcomm.com
DESIGN AND LAYOUT Jamie Holte
PHOTOGRAPHY Ten Little Chickens Photography
CONTENT INQUIRIES moms@forumcomm.com
On the Minds of Moms is dedicated to providing a community of local support and real-life advice for the modern mom who is on the go and needs to know. We are inspired to help the woman behind “the mom” balance it all by offering support, validation and reassurance she is a good mom wanting only the best for herself and family.
On the Minds of Moms is an online community and magazine for and about local moms. We strive to achieve a balance between useful information and entertaining content. Written to serve as the local reading alternative to family magazines that are produced for a national audience.
On the Minds of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision.
It can be easy to forget some days, but the world is full of really good people.
It can be easy to forget because it feels like there’s been an almost constant churn of conflict and restlessness these past couple of years. The stress has pushed so many people to the brink, and we all seem to have a little less patience for one another these days.
A recent family vacation to western North Dakota and Montana helped put it all in perspective. Over and over, the people we met on our trip were genuinely nice, from the patient and personable trail guides at the Medora Riding Stables to the laidback, life-loving activities staff at Big Sky Resort. And I can’t mention kindness without sharing about one woman in particular from our Medora musical experience. She observed my son accidentally tipping over the popcorn he had been so excited to get. As he sat with his head in his hands trying to hold back tears, the woman appeared in front of him with a fresh tub of popcorn. She saw what happened and she wanted to do something nice.
So what was different about the people we encountered on vacation? First, I suspect my undistracted frame of mind – let’s call it vacation mode – allowed me to observe and experience their kindness in a way my day-to-day self might not be able to. That may also be the case for the trail
guides, the resort employees, and the many other kind people we encountered during our travels. Maybe they weren’t actually vacationing like us, but they did have something in common: they all seemed to be doing what they loved, enveloped by the calm spirit of nature (and I barely saw a cell phone). In chatting with several of them, I noticed no one seemed particularly motivated by material things; they were driven instead by experiences and the experiences they were able to help others have. So maybe the secret to a good life and to being a good person is as simple (or as complicated) as that.
It seemed fitting as I returned home from my trip and got to work on the finishing touches of this edition of On the Minds of Moms magazine, including our cover story on Stephanie Hoff. Stephanie is focused on empowering women to redefine success and happiness – on their own terms, not dictated by the many pressures that surround us.
It sounds like a good philosophy to me. I applaud those, like Stephanie, who embrace this and also appreciate the impact so many of them had on my family this summer.
I hope you enjoy the article about Stephanie as well as the other inspiring moms (and dads) we feature in this edition of the magazine. As always, feel free to reach out to us with story ideas and feedback.
Mary Jo Hotzler is Forum Communications Company’s Chief Content Officer and the editor of On the Minds of Moms. She lives in Fargo with her husband Heath and twin boys.
MARY JO HOTZLER
On the Minds of Moms is grateful to have the following individuals contributing their expertise and voices to this issue of the magazine.
is a mom to three girls and writer for Click Content Studios, a marketing and video production agency. In addition to writing, she’s passionate about health and wellness, wishes she could get through all the non-fiction books out there, and thrives on learning new things, like the cello!
is the editor of On the Minds of Moms magazine and chief content officer at Forum Communications Company. She lives in Fargo with her husband, two boys and two cats. In her free time, Mary Jo enjoys interior design and amateur woodworking.
of Grand Forks is a freelance writer, trained chef and mom to four boys. Her food blog, wineandhotdish.com, is filled with recipes that quickly become new weeknight favorites. She also owns and operates Craveable Kitchen, an expanding line of dry mixes and seasonings.
is a wife, mom and advocate. She is made with equal amounts of grace and grit, with gobs of giggles and gratitude.
is managing editor of On the Minds of Moms magazine as well as the author of two nonfiction local history books. She and her husband have three children who keep every day filled with laughter, craziness and caffeine.
NDSU entomology professor and author Deirdre Prischmann’s debut children’s fiction book “No Hugs!” features a little girl named Zara who loves hugs and is surprised to learn her friend Alice does not. She soon learns that a hug requires two willing people to participate, and she appreciates learning a new perspective.
The story highlights the important issue of consent and physical boundaries, but in an approachable way that kids will can easily relate to. The dialogue about bodily autonomy illustrates how differently people can perceive something that seems so simple, and the book can serve as a springboard for discussions on a critical issue. Educators and counselors may see value in adding the book to their resource library.
Prischmann has written for kids before, but in the nonfiction category. She’s the author of “Poop Eaters: Dung Beetles in the Food Chain” as well as “Goliath Bird-Eating Spiders and Other Extreme Bugs.” She’s a member of the Dakotas chapter of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, and she lives with her husband, two daughters, one dog and an assortment of fish. The book is available at the NDSU Bookstore, Zandbroz as well as online. Learn more at deirdreprischmann.com.
- Danielle Teigen
Emily Gard survived cancer as a teenager and is now the director of Internal Medicine at Sanford Health. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography
Emily Gard is a wife, mom to five children (including twins!) and the director of the Internal Medicine department at Sanford Health in Fargo. While her days are busy, she never takes them for granted as these are all roles she never thought she’d get to experience.
At 16, Emily was enjoying life as a typical teenager – hanging out with friends, going to school and playing hockey. But during a workout in her basement, she noticed a lump on her rib. Confident nothing was wrong, Emily went on with life, but eventually she felt sick. After x-rays, MRI and doctor visits, Emily learned she had Ewings Sarcoma, the second most common bone cancer that typically affects children between the ages of 10 and 20. Survival rates are worse than other childhood cancers, and treatment is aggressive.
Team Campbell was born. Friends, family, neighbors and people from far and wide offered an outpouring of support with cards, letters, food, head-shaving parities and more. “I could not have faced my battle without the team that was Team Campbell,” she said.
Emily faced intense treatment — a 48-hour stay in the hospital for
chemo followed by two weeks off when she was bedridden. After that, for five days in a row, she’d go to the Roger Maris Cancer Center for eight hours of infusions. This cycle repeated over an entire year and during that time Emily was only able to attend school three days a week every three weeks. It was a tough journey, but one that would inspire a lifelong love of helping others.
“I knew I wanted to serve others but knew that I didn’t like blood. This
was a problem in the medical field,” she said. “My advisor, Dr. Guy at Concordia introduced me to social work. I am forever grateful to her for seeing my potential and knowing this was a perfect fit for me.”
Emily went on to earn a master’s of social work from the University of North Dakota, where she also met her husband, Nick who is a mental health therapist. Over the course of her career, Emily has focused on helping individuals who were
Cancer changed my life and helped me to be the person I am today. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the support and love I received that gave me the strength to keep going.
hospitalized with chemical dependency and mental health concerns. She’s held several roles that have allowed her to grow her impact on others. She’s also volunteered a Kamp Kace, an organization that provides a camp experience for school-aged kids with cancer and is also involved with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, ND.
“Cancer changed my life and helped me to be the person I am today,” she said. “There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the support and love I received that gave me the strength to keep going. It’s my life mission to pay it forward!”
I was fortunate to have the best survivor friend, Diana Schimmelpfennig, who told me as she sat with me on my bed some very important words; “Emily, you are a survivor since the day you were diagnosed.” I carried these words close to my heart and still do. I now have a tattoo that says this.
Emily and Nick stay busy parenting their 5 children: Catherine, twins Claire and Olivia, William, and Emily’s bonus daughter Genevieve. Bottom right: Nick and Emily will celebrate their ninth wedding anniversary this fall.
How did your journey impact your perspective on life?
I am forever grateful that I got a second chance at life (and fresh hair as it re-grew, ha). Cancer is a reminder for me to be thankful and not take one moment, one breathe on this earth for granted.
How has becoming a mom impacted you?
I am so thankful I get the chance to be a mom. There were many days when I didn’t think I would get this title. Being a mom has taught me it’s okay to ask for help and to experience anxiety, even though it sucks. Seeing life through the eyes of a child is amazing! They live in the moment.
Were you surprised to learn you were having twins?
YES, YES and YES. This was not on our radar at all. My husband was with during the appointment. He has an intense sense of humor and stated, “It looks like there are two in there” to which I gave him a shove on the shoulder and told him to stop! (ha). Turns out, he was right.
Favorite thing about your kids?
Their smiles (and sense of humor)!
How about your husband?
His passion to serve others.
Best life advice?
Everything in life is temporary, the good and the bad. This has helped me during the most difficult times in my life. I would also say that people need people! It takes a village to do this life and we all need our authentic selves to show up and be there for each other.
What is the one thing you’re most proud of yourself for?
This is such a hard question. Being a mom. It’s the best and hardest job ever.
We learned about Emily and her story from a reader! Do you know an amazing mom or dad whose story deserves to be told? Tell us about them in an email to moms@forumcomm.com.
Forinformation or atour call 701-893-3271 www.jp2schools.org
On
Liam Medd, shown at left with his younger sister Selma, died by suicide in February 2021. His parents are honoring his memory and trying to end suicide through the 4 6 3 Foundation, which references a second baseman play. Liam played second base. Photos courtesy of Elizabeth Medd
One night in February 2021 forever changed the lives of Todd and Elizabeth Medd. After having dinner with their kids, Liam and Selma, Todd and Elizabeth left to take care of an errand. An hour later, they returned to discover 15-yearold Liam had died by suicide.
“Of all the things we worried about for Liam, declining mental health and suicide weren’t even on our radar,” Elizabeth shared.
Shortly after Liam’s death, the Medd family established 4 6 3 Foundation, named because Liam was a second baseman. A 4-6-3 is a double play where the second baseman throws to shortstop for the force out and the shortstop throws to the first baseman to get the batter out. The numbers in the play refer to the defensive positions.
“With Liam being the second baseman and that being a double play, it’s like he’s fielded
Local foundation working with police, public health departments to educate, reduce stigma
the ball and tossed it to us to continue spreading his light and joy with our main goal being to reduce stigma, build hope and end suicide,” she explained, wiping tears from her eyes.
That’s why the 4 6 3 Foundation partnered with Fargo Cass Public Health and the Fargo Police Department to bring national speaker Nathan Harmon to the community to speak at schools and two community events during National Suicide Prevention Week in September. In North Dakota and Minnesota, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-24, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Elizabeth explained that Nathan is a dynamic speaker with an uncanny ability to connect to young people, so he was the best equipped speaker to bring this heavy message to the audience.
“He was the perfect balance of energy and seriousness,” Fargo police officer and community engagement team leader Cristie Jacobsen shared.
The Fargo Police Department has hosted a large assembly for students on an important topic with a speaker and entertainer for several years, Cristie said. After a hiatus due to COVID, the department discussed the event and an appropriate topic to cover as well as how to provide the message in a safe format.
“We had been seeing an increase in completed suicide in our community and region among teens, and we as officers were as equally devastated by that,” Cristie said. One solution was an educational video featuring stories of suicide called “Break the Silence” with Liam’s story included. The video has been shared extensively
in the local school systems and is available to anyone at breakthesilencetogether.org.
Suicide awareness is a message crucial for older students to hear, but reaching children at a young age is just as important, if not more. Fargo Cass Public Health Mental Health Coordinator Melissa Markegard is using her new role to focus on educating young children on how to handle and appropriately deal with their emotions so they know how to manage moments of crisis. She’ll be introducing trainings and educational resources like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s chidren’s book, “Gizmo’s Pawesome Guide to Mental Health” to local daycares and elementary schools.
“You have to start at the beginning because fighting just the crisis is battlefield triage,” Elizabeth said.
“The reality is that children very, very young are experiencing trauma so we have to provide the skills and resources and points of contact to develop resiliency and shine light on it for parents,” Cristie said. “It’s too little, too late to start talking about it with a teen…No feeling is final. They just can’t think or see beyond the crisis moment. We have to start having that conversation about trauma and mental health at an early age to reduce the shame and stigma.
“We all have mental health, but we often only see the crisis in the news,” Markegard said. “Most of us are not in crisis mode often or for very long.” In fact, research has shown that 24% of those who attempted suicide thought about it for less than 5 minutes, and 24% said they thought about it for up to 20 minutes before the crisis moment. That is not a lot of time to intervene, which is why teaching children about resources and help available
National speaker Nathan Harmon visited the Fargo-Moorhead community in May 22 and again in September to talk with students and community members at events held during National Suicide Prevention Week. Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Medd• Mental health conditions
• Substance use problems
• Personality traits of aggression, mood changes and poor relationships
• Serious physical health conditions including pain
• Access to firearms and drugs
• Prolonged stress from harassment, bullying, relationship problems, etc.
• Stressful life events
• Previous suicide attempts
• Family history of suicide
• Childhood abuse, neglect or trauma
• Access to mental health care
• Feeling connected to family and community support
• Problem-solving and coping skills
• Limited access to lethal means
• Cultural and religious beliefs that encourage connecting
• If a person talks about killing themselves, feeling hopeless or trapped Increased use of alcohol or drugs
• Looking for a way to end their lives, such as searching online for methods
• Withdrawing from activities
• Isolating from family and friends
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye
• Giving away prized possessions
• Aggression or sudden changes in mood or behavior
Source: https://afsp.org/risk-factorsprotective-factors-and-warning-signs
to them is so crucial, as is parents knowing the signs that a child may be struggling.
Traditional signs of suicidality include major changes in behavior, sleeping or eating patterns, or giving away prized possessions. Liam exhibited none of those.
“There was nothing I was concerned about,” Elizabeth shared. “There was nothing that indicated Liam was struggling, and I was watching.”
Normalizing conversation about suicide means parents and kids can have honest, open discussions about what to do when situations and emotions arise that could lead to a terrible moment of crisis from which there is no coming back.
“Parents have conversations with their kids about drugs, alcohol, sex, safe online behavior, and we want to add to this to the list as early as possible and give them resources to have that conversation,” Cristie said.
She specifically mentioned Robbie’s Hope, which has free online resources for teens, parents, educators and the media. Parents can find information about how to set limits for screen time, talking about depression, helping teens manage anxiety, and more.
Another great opportunity for parents and kids to talk about managing mental health is creating a Life Safety Plan, a document that provides coping mechanisms, distraction techniques, personal warning signs, mental health resources as well as trusted adults to seek out in a time of crisis.
“Knowing how to distract yourself could save your life,” Melissa said.
In addition, parents can set appropriate boundaries regarding technology use or devices at night, which gives a child an immediate out if questioned about a delayed response. “I have taught my daughter to allow me to be the bad guy, and I’m okay with that. That’s my job,” Cristie said.
As the final preparations are put in place for the September suicide awareness events, Elizabeth is proud to know the foundation has been action-oriented by getting out in front of people and talking about her family’s experience with suicide.
“Through the worst tragedy imaginable, the amount of impact she has had on the community and the impact on the lives of mothers and children who come in contact with her…I’ve never seen such movement and impact and dedication,” Cristie said. “Everyone talks about wanting to make an impact; she didn’t just say it, she did it…and all of Cass and Clay County are better because the 4 6 3 Foundation is part of it.”
The mental health hotline number is now 988. Those in crisis can also text “home” to 741741.
Losing a pregnancy or infant at any stage is gutting. There’s no other way to put it.
The sad reality is that each year in the United States, approximately 24,000 babies are stillborn, and 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
October has been designated Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month since 1988, and Oct. 15 is World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7 p.m., families who have been touched by loss are encouraged to participate in an international wave of light by lighting a candle in memory of a baby gone too soon.
If you have suffered pregnancy or infant loss, you are not alone. And there are resources in the Fargo-Moorhead community available to help you process your loss and embark on a road to healing and recovery.
Addie’s Angels offers mental health services to those affected by pregnancy, infant, or child loss as well as by perinatal disorders or a child with a terminal or chronic illness. The organization was founded by Ashley and Chad Thompson after their daughter Addie died 11 hours after being born. Call 701-532-
1353 or find Addie’s Angels of North Dakota on Facebook.
The Compassionate Friends meets the second Thursday of each month at 7 p.m. at Faith Lutheran Church, 127 Second Ave. E., West Fargo, to offer grief support after the death of a child.
Finding Hope Ministries provides support for families struggling with the loss of a child. The group offers grief baskets, prayer and one-onone support. Contact findinghopeafterloss@ gmail.com or visit www.facebook.com/ findinghopem for more information.
Haven offers support and healing after the loss of a child. The organization offers resources, events, healing gifts and more. Visit havenmidwest.org for more information.
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Group offers an ongoing pregnancy and infant loss support group, meeting the fourth Tuesday of each month from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at the Hospice of the Red River Valley, 1701 38th St. S., Fargo.
For more information about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, visit starlegacyfoundation.org.
Brains love classical music. In fact, studies suggest this genre of jams has the potential to enhance brain development in young children and help orient and anchor individuals with neurological diseases, such as dementia and Parkinson’s. The “Welcome to a World Filled With Beautiful Music” project aims to educate local families about the positive impact of classical music and connect them with music orchestrated right here in our community.
The Fargo Kiwanis Club, the National Kiwanis Young Children Priority One program, and the Fargo-Moorhead Symphony Orchestra
are collaborating on the project that will work with local birth centers at Essentia and Sanford to share the program’s message and engaging music playlists.
“In recent years, advances in brain imaging have created a significant body of scientific research that supports the positive power of music on brain activity,” said Margie Bailly, project facilitator for Fargo Kiwanis and the FM Symphony.
Parents receive a printed card through the program that offers family-friendly listening tips and a QR code that links to
music programming on the Fargo-Moorhead Symphony Orchestra website.
The benefits of listening to classical music include mood improvement, relaxation, enjoyment, learning and growth, making the program great for newborns as well as children in early childhood development centers. The Beautiful Music Project will make information and music accessible to children in these centers, offering live musical presentations to kids and their parents. This gives families an excellent opportunity to enjoy the music together and to learn about its benefits. The project will also work to benefit patients at the Roger Maris Cancer Center and strive to help individuals in senior centers.
“Many moms are dealing with aging parents as well as young children,” Bailly said. “This project can provide important insights and healthy, joyful projects for all ages.”
Classical music has been proven to offer therapeutic value in the treatment of Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis and other neurological conditions. According to physician Dr. Oliver Sachs, who wrote “Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain”, “musical perception, musical sensibility, musical emotion and musical memory can survive long after other forms of memory have disappeared. Music can serve to orient and anchor a patient when almost nothing else can.”
Bailly hopes to see the Beautiful Music Project grow its impact even further by offering talks in our community from nationally recognized speakers about the significant value of music to health and joyful living.
To learn more about the “Welcome to a World Filled with Beautiful Music” project and listen to music created by our local FM Symphony visit https://www.fmsymphony.org/ beautifulmusic.
These garbanzo bean wraps have so much flavor, you won’t even realize there’s no meat in the dish. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms
No doubt that we have all noticed the rising costs of groceries when we are in the checkout lanes of our local grocery stores. I have often found myself putting the fun items back because the large family-size pack of chicken that used to be $10 is now anywhere from $15-$17. With three of my boys well into their growing years, my grocery bills are getting out of hand in a hurry.
One way that we have been controlling the costs is by reducing meat or using veggies to stretch the meat in others. Overall, it’s been as simple as adding more vegetables to the plate and serving less meat, but occasionally, I add a vegetable to increase the volume of the actual meat portion of the entrée. This is what I refer to as stretching the protein or, in this case, dollars.
Lately, I have focused on a couple of meals that I can easily sub. One of my favorite methods of stretching is to add dehydrated refried bean flakes into my taco meat. It really does help with the cost per portion, and it also adds fiber, which will help keep my little boys’, and not-so-little boys’, tummies stay full longer. I add the dried bean flakes once I have prepared the taco
meat according to the instructions on the packages and then add about 1/2 cup to one cup of dried bean flakes and usually another cup or so of water. Then I let it simmer until it is absorbed. If the mixture looks too thick, just add a little more water. A bonus of adding in the bean flakes is that it will also help absorb the grease that may not have been drained off the ground beef. This can also mean that there will be fewer spills on T-shirts to clean up!
Beans, in general, are a great way to control the costs of mealtime. I find that an easy sub is to add white, brown, or tan beans in place of chicken in most recipes that call for chicken. You can also sub black or red beans easily for recipes that call for beef.
Buffalo Garbanzo Bean Lettuce Wraps are a flavorful way to go meatless and still have all of that flavor you love from a dish full of meat. These have quickly become a favorite with one of my boys because he is obsessed right now with buffalo sauce. He has even asked if he can eat them as a snack. I like to top these with diced celery and blue cheese or goat cheese crumbles to add crunch and that creamy “funk” that I love with my wings!
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas (or one can drained)
1/4 cup buffalo sauce (I used Frank’s RedHot)
Toppings:
Blue cheese crumbles
Celery, diced
Add olive oil to a sauté pan with chickpeas and cook over medium high heat until golden brown. Add one clove of minced garlic and sauté for 30 seconds until fragrant. Stir in salt, pepper, and buffalo sauce. Remove the pan from the heat and spoon the beans into the middle of individual leaves of romaine. Optional – top with blue cheese crumbles and celery
Lentil Bolognese is another popular one in our house. Like most kids, mine love pasta, and I love that pasta is one of the most frugal ways that I can make a meal to feed a lot of people. The first time I served it, the kids didn’t even know that it had lentils in the sauce. You could, of course, hide the lentils by using a stick blender to puree the sauce once it’s done cooking, but I left mine whole for the kids to see. You can also use a mixture of ground beef and lentils in this dish, but I find that the lentils and finely chopped mushrooms have a texture that the kids do not mind and and a deep flavor to ensure a hearty taste! You can use your own marinara recipe with this dish, but when hunger drives their decision-making processes, speed drives mine!
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon olive oil
16 ounces mushrooms, fine diced or chopped in a food processor
4 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper
1/4 teaspoon red chili flakes
1 tablespoon Italian seasoning
1/2 cup red wine, optional (can use water)
32 ounces favorite pasta sauce (I used Classico Tomato Basil)
1 cup lentils, dried, rinsed
In a large sauce pot, combine the olive oil and the finely chopped mushrooms. Cook over medium heat until most of the moisture is out of the mushrooms, about 5 minutes. Add garlic, salt, pepper, chili flakes, and Italian seasoning. Let cook for an additional 5 minutes. Add 1/2 cup red wine and let cook until the liquid is nearly all gone. Add pasta sauce, lentils, and 2 cups of water. Stir until combined. Cook, covered, on low for about 30 minutes stirring occasionally. The lentils should still be slightly firm, but cooked through. Serve over pasta of your choice.
Black Bean Burritos have been a hit in my house for years. Well, since I met my husband. This recipe came from him and, I have to say that, with only a minor tweaking, the boys still love it. One of our sons even requests this as his birthday meal! I don’t even have to ask him what he wants to eat anymore because he starts planning this meal weeks in advance. I love this meal because it has all the health benefits of beans, but also adds in a good amount of spinach, so they get the added benefits of leafy greens.
The filling of these burritos also makes amazing quesadillas, which is probably the easiest way to get my youngest to enjoy them. I don’t really know why, but burritos bother him. I am just calling it a fourth kiddo quirk…I am sure many of you can relate. Either way, I will gladly add some cheese and make the kids quesadillas if it means they eat all the protein and fiber in the meal!
Beans are always a great source of protein for a meatless meal option, and these burritos won’t disappoint. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onions, diced
2 cloves garlic
3 cans black beans, drained
1.5 cups water
1 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
1 1/2 tablespoons ground chili powder
Directions:
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon dried oregano leaves
5 cups chopped fresh spinach
4 tablespoons fresh lime juice (3 if using from a bottle)
6 burrito shells
Sweat onions in the olive oil over medium heat until they are translucent. Add garlic and sauté for 1 more minute. Add black beans, water, cumin, chili powder, kosher salt and oregano. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to low. Let simmer for 20 minutes or until beans start to be able to mush on the side of the pan with a spoon. Add spinach, stir, and use the spoon to mash 1/3 of the bean mixture. Add lime juice, stir, and serve in burrito shells
the Minds of Moms
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
It was the interview portion of the 1983 Minnesota Petite Sweetheart pageant, and 5-year-old Stephanie (Opatz) Hoff stood confidently on stage, eager to share her ambitions with the world. One by one, each girl chimed in with a response. “Lawyer”, “doctor” and “teacher” were the typical answers. Then the spotlight shifted to Stephanie: “Wonder Woman!” she boldly declared. The crowd erupted in laughter.
“I remember thinking, ‘Why is that funny?’… I honestly felt like that was something you could do,” Stephanie recalls. “At the same time I was like ‘oh OK, people think it’s great that I’m going to be Wonder Woman. Then I am for sure going to be Wonder Woman’.”
It was the kind of validation that fueled Stephanie to believe she could dream big.
“At a very young age I recognized that when I feel strongest is when I was making someone else proud,” she says.
While Stephanie knows she is fortunate to have had that kind of support, she also knows she may have been too reliant throughout life on what others told her she should do or be.
Today, she is flipping that script, empowering women like herself to embrace life on their own terms. The Fergus Falls, Minn., mom recently launched a program called “I CHOOZ”, designed to give women the courage, the confidence and the compassion to define their own paths and their own definitions of success and happiness.
Stephanie’s mom was just 16 when she gave birth, and throughout Stephanie’s life she was part of a unique family dynamic.
Stephanie Hoff is a Fergus Falls wife, mom and professional who has designed a women’s empowerment program called “I CHOOZ”.
Photo courtesy of Britta the Photographer
Her parents divorced when she was 2. Her dad had other children of his own and her mom had another child as well when Stephanie was 7. Immediately, she took on the protector role with her baby brother, Michael.
“At 7 years old, I actually was Wonder Woman. I was maybe too little to save the universe, but this kid … I had his back,” she says of her brother. “To this day there is nothing, and I mean nothing, I couldn’t physically, emotionally do to protect him.”
While Stephanie jokes that she never fully let go of those Wonder Woman ambitions, it was another influential female figure who later became the focus of her career plans. In eighth grade, Stephanie took an interest in broadcast journalism and was convinced she would be the next Katie Couric. So convinced that when Stephanie was in college, she did her senior documentary project on women in the media and she got to interview Couric, then the NBC Today Show host, in New York City.
As Stephanie listened to Couric and many other women describe life in broadcast journalism, the reality started to set in that the life she had glamorized for so long was
in fact filled with sacrifice, struggle and hardship. The 24-hour news cycle was unrelenting. The women would talk just as much about their nannies as they would about their husbands and families, she recalls.
Although everyone had been so encouraging of her journalistic aspirations, Stephanie knew becoming a mom and having a family was what she wanted, more than any news assignment or any job. And so, upon completing her college degree at the University of Minnesota Morris, Stephanie abandoned her TV news aspirations and found a new path a bit closer to home.
At 21 years old, Stephanie was named executive director for the Fergus Falls Chamber of Commerce and married Nathan, her high school sweetheart. They remain in Fergus Falls where today Stephanie is director of communications for Otter Tail Power Company.
Stephanie had her journey to motherhood all mapped out.
Just like she knew she was going to be Wonder Woman and like she knew she was going to be Katie Couric, she also knew she was going to have her first baby at 28.
“And then I didn’t. And I didn’t at 29 and I didn’t at 30,” she says.
She was devastated. Stephanie felt as though she was failing at the one thing she was put on this earth to do. Several years of invasive, painful and draining fertility treatments finally led to a successful in vitro fertilization (IVF) transfer and the birth of her daughter, Ayla. Two more IVF attempts in later years were unsuccessful, and despite considering adoption, Stephanie and Nathan decided their family would be complete with just one child.
“We had made it through a lot, and we just wanted to be able to keep our attention on this gift in front of us,” she explains.
Stephanie says she still wishes she could have given Ayla, now 13, a sibling, but she says she and Nathan take heart in the miracle they were given: “She is a gift we didn’t even know we could have. We just feel so honored to be her mom and dad.”
The feeling is mutual.
“I really love my family and I couldn’t be happier,” Ayla says.
In addition to work, motherhood and community, Stephanie also is passionate about fitness. She’s devoted to CrossFit, a high-intensity fitness program and lifestyle that incorporates elements from several sports and types of exercise. She started in 2016 and says it’s been a way to not only stay physically fit and active, but also a great release for stress. This has been especially important during some of the more difficult times over the past decade, which included dealing with serious family mental
Stephanie married her high school sweetheart Nathan and the couple and their daughter make their home in Fergus Falls. Photo courtesy of Britta the Photographerhealth issues, her father’s death, and the suicide of her half-brother Cody, who was in his early 20s.
“(CrossFit) was where I found an outlet and space and the physical and emotional release and all the things. It was one of the things that kept me strong enough (through this time),” she says.
By 2019, Stephanie was getting her life back on track. Then came her end-of-the-year job review and the words that changed everything: “Stay in your lane, Stephanie.”
The words were barely out of her boss’s mouth when Stephanie’s mind began racing: “‘Stay in my lane? What lane? I don’t have a lane. I do all the things in all the lanes. I have capacity for more than what you perceive as my lane’.”
Reflecting on it now, Stephanie knows this was her boss’s way of giving her permission to focus and not take on everyone’s problems. But what she heard in the moment was something entirely different. “It really lit me on fire,” Stephanie says. The words were a catalyst for her to take action.
Leading up to this, Stephanie had been mentoring other women and what came up again and again was how these women viewed and defined success. More specifically, how society says success looks one way, but the reality is that’s not always what makes us happy.
“In 2019 women in my personal, social and professional spaces found themselves on a bit of a treadmill, running so hard and so fast they lost sight of what they were chasing,” she says. “In 2020, a global pandemic put a hard stop to those treadmills. Women found themselves surrounded by space and time that was remarkably unfamiliar; a bit scary, and a bit freeing.”
And so it clicked: Stephanie did need to stay in her lane, and her lane would be helping other women. She enrolled in a professional coaching course and got to work on her “I CHOOZ” method, which stands for:
was actually said rather than what she perceived, hearing those automatic thoughts and observing how those thoughts made her think and feel. Then she would need to operate in a way that could move her closer to who and what she truly wanted to be and finally zoom in on the results of her actions.
Now she wants to help others do the same.
As part of the “I CHOOZ” program, Stephanie offers a guided digital course to help women visualize where they are going, how they are going to get there and show up for themselves. She also plans to do public speaking and workshops.
Stephanie worked through the Greater Fergus Falls Entrepreneur Initiative, a free program that coaches startups. She debuted “I CHOOZ” this past spring at the Entrepreneur MasterMind Series, which emphasizes peer-to-peer mentoring for entrepreneurs and business leaders.
Stephanie was the ideal person to kick off the MasterMind Series, according to NeTia Bauman, CEO of the Greater Fergus Falls Corporation, because “she exemplifies the grit and determination required to not only start a business but to switch careers when necessary.
“If you need to dig deep into who you are to pave the way to get where you want to be, Stephanie has the energy and passion to guide you through the process,” Bauman says.
Though Stephanie is just getting started, her goal is to direct a portion of the money she makes in this new business venture to set up an endowment called “I CHOOZ Today.” This will help women who might be going through a challenging time to pay for a gym membership.
“Hopefully that’s one little part of them getting back onto a road to recovery - whatever that might be from,” she says, noting how important physical activity has been for her own mental health.
To find her own peace and path, Stephanie needed to follow her own process of clarifying the situation and what
None of this was on Stephanie’s roadmap all those years ago. While she did end up winning the interview portion of the petite sweetheart pageant that day in 1983, she never did become Wonder Woman, nor did she become Katie Couric. But along the way she found something even better: a passion for helping other women choose their own path and defining success on their own terms.
www.stephaniehoff.co.
Picture this: a group of teenagers wearing the same uniform are gathered together, discussing the best plays to defeat their opponent. They talk about lessons learned from previous competitions and decide what role each player will fill. The competition begins.
But instead of a field or court, these players assemble in a computer lab, and instead of a ball, racket, stick or puck, these athletes use keyboards, joysticks and a mouse.
Welcome to the world of esports.
Video games are not new, but the world of competitive, organized video games known as esports has been steadily growing in popularity for the past several years and has become a $243 million industry in the United States, second only to China, according to PocketGamer.biz.
Yet this growing sport is not that well known to many people, considering 80% of Americans had no interest in or had never heard of esports according to a 2021 Morning Consult National Tracking poll.
In the Fargo-Moorhead area, esports are becoming a sport of choice for many teenagers, and parents of these athletes have been delighted to discover the benefits of participation mirror or exceed those of participation in traditional sports.
Anna Hanson’s 15-year-old son Logan is looking forward to becoming an esports athlete at Davies High School this year as a new freshman, but her exposure to the
sport started at work when her employer ByteSpeed began offering an esports line focused on education.
“I understood the potential for gamification of learning, but I didn’t see the link between gaming, esports and school,” she explained. “I agreed to go to a conference in Georgia about eSports for work 4 years ago and it really opened my eyes to the fact that esports is not just about being competitive, but rather about helping kids be the best version of themselves.”
With a gamer of her own at home, Hanson returned and started talking with her son about what he was playing. She admits to thinking her son was wasting time playing video games and only supporting him in sports that he could play physically in person, believing they could only offer the advantages she wanted for her son.
As she learned more about esports, she realized she’d been given a gift. “Esports is different from gaming; esports is about teaching young people good habits about their schoolwork and screen time, it focuses on healthy eating and getting good grades, and communicating well with one another,” Hanson shared. “I could have missed out on an opportunity to connect with my son because he was doing something I didn’t understand.”
And she’s not alone.
Allison Eaton has two gamer sons, one of whom is attending the University of Jamestown this fall on an esports scholarship while the other will compete on the Fargo South High esports team as a senior. She shared many of the same thoughts about
Local esports teams compete at a UND event in 2022 while their coaches look on. Photo courtesy of Allison Eatonvideo games that Hanson did as well as significant revelations. “They are still getting together (to play esports) and talking and learning things and working as a team,” Eaton shared. “They’re getting all the same soft skills they would from a traditional sport.”
While parents have a unique perspective on esports, coaches and others involved in the program also watch as their players grow and learn in so many different areas of their lives while setting themselves up for future success.
Josh Knutson first got involved in 2016 when colleges around the country began forming teams through the National Association of Collegiate esports. He helped the University of Jamestown establish its esports program and became a coach until 2019 when he took his experience to ByteSpeed as its esports and virtual reality solutions director.
“The number one reason why high schools start programs is because of opportunities; it’s a way to better engage students and help them develop critical thinking and conflict resolution skills,” Knutson said. “If you’re playing an online game with strangers, there are no stakes to being a good teammate, but when the person is sitting next to you and is someone you will see on a regular basis, you are more interested in being a good teammate and learning those valuable soft skills.”
For high school esports coach Ullrich Reichenbach II, his role involves scheduling practices, tracking player eligibility and student attendance as well as staying on top of technical needs for the computers the athletes use. He’s been the Fargo Public Schools esports coach since January 2020. He wants parents to understand the ultimate goal. “It is all about teamwork, just like football or baseball,” Reichenbach said. “All the titles we play (Rocket League, League of Legends, and SMITE) are team-based.”
Not only is participation increasing, but so is the expansion of esports into a profession. Colleges around the country, including the University of North Dakota, have developed esports programs for students to earn a bachelor’s degree in. The 120-credit hour program at UND requires courses such as wellness, coaching, biomechanics, healthy gaming, sport sociology, exercise physiology, computer science and exercise psychology.
“We live in a world where gaming and screen time is not a waste of time because of the amount of doors that can open academically and professionally,” Knutson said. “My job didn’t exist 4 years ago. There are places for those with a passion for gaming. esports are different than sitting down at an xBox for hours; esports give structure and a point and a purpose to playing.”
Hanson also pointed out the bright future for kids with a natural interest in gaming and technology. “I hope it gets people interested in the technology field, because the same tools they use to be successful in esports are the
same tools they need to be successful in their career,” she said. “As a hiring manager, I know that when a person has been an athlete that they know how to be on a team, contribute to something larger than their own success and work well with others.”
esports are structured just like a traditional sport: they are played during a season, tryouts are required to assess players’ abilities and skills, and academic excellence is a mainstay of being part of the team. Once the season is underway, the team typically reviews recordings of their competitions to analyze what happened and how players performed to determine how to overcome weaknesses or redesign plays.
What Hanson has seen as her son has become more involved in esports is that the community he’s ingrained in is one of the most inclusive, connected social circles. “Esports is a great equalizer,” she said. “The community is so inclusive because esports players everywhere really just want everyone in esports to succeed…these kids develop friendships with people from different backgrounds, friend groups, and geographies. Physical disabilities that prevent students from competing in more traditional sports are not a barrier to esports. Esports gives kids confidence – a feeling of belonging and a real sense of community is so prevalent in esports.”
Eaton echoed that thought. “The social connections they’ve made with kids from other schools is something I didn’t think was possible,” she shared. “They support each other and encourage each other.”
She highlighted the importance of healthy boundaries – like setting rules for how much time can be spent practicing and when electronic devices should be turned off – but Eaton hopes other parents will see their child’s gaming interest as an opportunity and not a bad habit to be squashed. “Growing up, we didn’t have electronics, but I know my kids are different,” she explained. “Gaming is something my son has always enjoyed and I want to support him in that activity…accepting him for who he is and not who I want him to be has made me a better mom.”
Knutson recognized that educating others about esports has a long way to go, but he’s hopeful as well. “There’s an entire generation of people who never had access to this sport,” he said. “It can be hard to wrap your mind around it, but we just need to change the perception of what is a sport and expose people to a new opportunity.”
For those wanting to learn more about esports, Moorhead Community Education offers an Intro to esports course for kids in grades 3 through 8.
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While thinking about what to write for a parenting column, I stopped to assess what a lot of my household conversations with my kids involve. With the 5-year-old and 2-year-old, our conversations typically center around sharing toys, playing nicely together, reading books and watching favorite shows on a device.
But with the 9-year-old, conversations have taken a serious turn. From the war in Ukraine to frequent mass shootings, including one at an elementary school in Texas, what we talk about has shifted to some complex and sometimes heartbreaking topics. We aren’t habitual news program consumers any more (turns out three kids who like to watch their own show in the morning means Mom and Dad have eliminated their choice in an effort to reduce the morning chaos), so it’s not like he’s seeing these stories every day. But we’re not deliberately shielding him or our other children from the harsh realities of our world either. We understand that it’s our job as parents to help him process what he learns on the news and provide him with a safe outlet where he can ask questions and learn more.
But it’s hard. And when the news is heavy, sometimes I want to shield my children from the sadness and strife in our world. I know I’m not alone, considering my colleague and former boss Matt Von Pinnon said that in December 2012 he hid The Forum from his then-first grader because the front page story was about the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. He had never done that before but shared that he just didn’t see the value in her knowing about the shooting, even as he recognized that “she’ll learn soon enough that life brings some truly difficult days and poses some unanswerable questions.”
For parents, the idea of unanswerable questions looms large over situations like these and makes what is already a frightening job on a daily basis that much harder. As I’ve struggled to find the right way to talk with my children about these tough situations, I’ve looked to trusted resources and come up with a few key takeaways:
Yes, it may be a scary, sad conversation, but not talking about the realities of the world we live in can make an event like a mass school shooting even more threatening in a child’s mind. You not talking about it implies the event is too terrible for you to even address. Start the conversation by asking your child what they know or have heard about the event and identify any misinformation, misconceptions or underlying fear, according to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Use age appropriate language and encourage your child to ask questions and answer as honestly and straightforward as you can. Take it as slow as you need to make sure you both have time to understand and process what you’re feeling. It’s a good idea to check with your child about their feelings as you share information.
As parents, we feel many emotions about many situations, and a terrible tragedy like a mass shooting at an elementary school is bound to elicit strong feelings for moms and dads. That’s okay. One of the best things we can do for our childrens’ emotional and mental health is recognize and validate our own. Dr. Becky Kennedy from Good Inside shared that “our emotional displays do not overwhelm our children. What overwhelms a child is witnessing an emotional display
and not having an adult explain and connect afterwards.”
A few days after the Uvalde shooting, I was actually watching the news and had to sit down and cover my mouth because I’d gasped at a piece of information shared in the story. My son, who was in the room but on his own device, immediately recognized that I’d had an emotional reaction and asked what was wrong. My first reaction was to brush it off and quickly turn off the TV, but instead I shared what I had just heard and also explained that I was feeling especially sad for the parents of those children who had also learned that information and were likely feeling even more upset about what had happened.
According to Dr. Becky, validating fear does not make it worse; it simply recognizes that the feeling you or your child is feeling is real. As a guest on the podcast “Sharon Says So”
Dr. Becky also shared some great strategies for helping kids cope with fear. She talked about how to help kids learn distress tolerance through AVP: acknowledge what is happening emotionally, validate feelings and permit yourself to feel it.
While this option may not work for all parents, I have found that sometimes prayer is the only source of comfort during sad times. Months ago when I was purchasing gifts for upcoming celebrations, my son found a Prayer Wall in the store so I asked if he wanted to add a request. He wrote “Please pray for Ukraine” on a sticky note and we added it to the wall, noticing how many others had asked for the same thing, before taking a moment to pray together for the war-torn nation.
A prayer warrior and author I follow offered a few ideas for prayers
during tough times such as asking for comfort and peace for those suffering as well as for the ability to know how to respond to sad situations with more than just platitudes, even if it means no words at all.
When this world seems so beyond our control, prayer has given me an outlet for my sadness and an opportunity to step outside myself and my situation to recognize what is happening in the world. It’s also a way for kids to realize that even when it seems like they can’t do anything to help, they can still offer a prayer.
On
Minds
As general manager of the North Dakota Horse Park, Hugh Drexel’s life revolves around horse racing. It’s a role he’s been preparing for, in many ways, his whole life. Having grown up in a thoroughbred training family – his grandfather Justino Rodriguez (Manos Santa, which translates into Saint Hands) is in the Puerto Rico Racing Hall of Fame. Hugh literally grew up at the track. In fact, his father was a jockey who met his mother at a racetrack where her father and grandfather were both trainers. Hugh’s first paying job was at the thoroughbred and quarter horse racetrack aptly named Turf Paradise in Phoenix, Arizona.
He graduated from high school and intended to enroll at the University of Arizona to complete their racetrack industry program, but his career took an early detour as he became a real estate broker in a then red-hot market. It took 12 years for Hugh to realize his passion was still horse racing.
In that 12-year span, Hugh had reconnected with Elizabeth, a woman he’d gone to high school with. After four years of “burning the candle at both ends” and flying around the United States, Virgin Islands, Europe and Africa, Hugh and Elizabeth welcomed their son Andrew, now 6.
Around the time when Hugh realized he wanted to go back to school, his wife also decided to leave the teaching profession to become a nurse. Through a ton of mutual support, they both changed careers
HUGH DREXEL
That’s when I had this beautiful realization that kids aren’t ours to create; we just help them along their own way to get to this adult place and hope we’ve done a good job.Hugh and Elizabeth are parents of Andrew, 6, and Arabella, 1. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography
and began looking for opportunities to put their new skills to use.
Hugh first landed at Penn National Racetrack in Pennsylvania before taking a job as a racing secretary at Thistledown Race Track in Ohio. Then, less than 3 years after completing his degree, Hugh seized the opportunity to become general manager of the horse park in Fargo, North Dakota.
“My wife is the one who said I should apply for the job,” Hugh shared. “She said it would be good interview experience.”
He applied, was hired and moved 1,000 miles to North Dakota in February. No joke. “It was a terrible time to move here, and I’m from Boston!” Hugh shared.
With his son still finishing up Kindergarten, he and his wife decided she would remain in Ohio with Andrew and their 1-year-old daughter Arabella. His family headed west to Fargo for several weeks leading up to the kickoff of the racing season in July. The Drexel family enjoyed exploring the local sights and getting immersed in all things Fargo and the FM metro, including lakes country, the zoo, Midwest Kid Fest and more.
What has been your family’s favorite discovery about the FM area?
Friendliness of the community
Any plans to make the horse park more family friendly?
Absolutely. We have a family day planned for this year and hope to build on that for next season. My first event in the FM area was the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Seeing the swarm of children lining the sidewalks and having a great time made me realize two things. 1. There are a lot of children in the FM area and 2. We need to make the park a lot more family friendly.
Biggest challenge of having your family still in Ohio while you’re in North Dakota?
Missing milestones. At this age, they change so much everyday that when I don’t see them for a few weeks, it feels like months. I have a newfound respect and sympathy for fathers or mothers who travel for work and have to miss being around their children everyday. All I have to say is thank goodness for facetime.
Who is someone famous you’d like to have dinner with? Why?
Dr. Seuss. Why not?
Best mistake you’ve ever made?
Standing my wife up twice on our first and second dates. It’s not as bad as it sounds, as it was completely unintentional. But she gave me another chance and here we are over 10 years and 2 kids later, I’m still sitting on 2 strikes.
One word that describes your parenting style best?
Firm. One day I want my kids to experience....the world and all its diverse cultures.
Favorite show to binge watch?
“How I Met Your Mother”
What three words describe you best?
Driven, adventurous, unconventional
How has being a dad made you a better human?
Patience and selflessness. As an only child I grew up deficient in both. Being a father to two wonderful children who test me at every step has helped to break down my selfish intuition and rebuild it with an “everything I do, I do for my kids” attitude.
People might be surprised to learn....
I’m fluent in Spanish
Minds of
Hugh Drexel is the general manager of the North Dakota Horse Park. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens PhotographyParenting is hard. Raising a child is the single, most difficult and important job any of us will ever hold. For the rest of our lives, our hearts will beat outside of the protective shells of our chest. There is no retirement. We don’t age out of parenting. My mom tells me, at 52 years old, I continue to be the subject of her daily prayers, worries and joy. Child rearing is especially tough in today’s world, with the added challenge of competing with the compelling complexities and unquestionable necessities of technology.
We are in a strange and somewhat unchartered territory. Our children are tasked with being tech savvy in today’s world, and yet the ramifications of unfettered digital usage may bear significant, negative consequences on their development. Parents are forlorn and frustrated.
To be fair, the pandemic amped up the veracity of speed to which our dependance on technology has unmistakably impacted education and our children’s digital habits. Overnight, parents were saddled with the double-decker need to homeschool their kiddos while they worked remotely from their kitchen tables. This was an historic tipping point on our reliance on digital devices and technology. Parents depended on these spectacular machines to entertain, educate, occupy and divert children.
While there are dangers associated with technology, this column will focus on elementary-aged children, video games and the consequences that overuse has on behavior, social skills, friendships, attention, coping skills and development. The video game business is a sophisticated, bazillion dollar industry devoted to designing addictive products aimed at defenseless children and vulnerable young people.
I am not anti-tech. I love my smartphone. I enjoy social media and waste ample time scrolling, liking, reading and yes, coveting. It is tricky to maintain a healthy balance with my seductive little smartphone.
Long car rides — as a passenger — are a perfect time-sucker for social media. This Mother’s Day we traveled to Fargo from Bismarck for a family brunch. We were half an hour out of town when I realized I left my phone sitting on the kitchen counter. I was surprised and saddened by the emotions this stirred. At first, I was anxious. Then I was angry. I consume a steady diet of habitually peeking into the window of people’s lives through social media.
I sat at brunch and watched people. So many children – toddlers – sitting at tables with iPhones and iPads propped up to keep them occupied (and quiet). I came home to 87 text messages. The break from the glare of the screen was enlightening. I have a fully developed adult brain. It left me wondering how an impulsive 8-year-old can combat the reality of a constant barrage of a digital diet.
As a mom, licensed clinical child and family therapist and school counselor, I am immersed in children’s lives. I am not an expert on the effects of technology on the developing brains of young children. I am obsessed with how our digitally driven world is affecting our children’s behavioral, social, academic, emotional and mental health conditions. I am gripped by what the research — and my personal experience — has shown me to be true.
This column is meant to start a conversation. To heighten parental awareness. To share personal insights, concerns and fears. And, to empower one another. Information is power, and together we are stronger.
The empirical data is becoming more and more clear of the addictive nature of video games for children. There is a strong correlation between video games and aggression. Kids as young as kindergarteners are gaming for hours every day. While this may not rise to the level of addiction and aggression now, it certainly is a gateway. I have witnessed second graders play games like “Call of Duty” that are censored for mature audiences (MA). These kiddos become desensitized to the act of shootings, killings fraught with blood-pulverizing murders and assassinations. Here’s what my colleagues and I are seeing: kindergarteners, during free play, are drawing violent pictures of guns and characters with decapitated heads, blood dripping from their necks and a chest full of bullets. This is a 5-year-old. These are not images found in children’s books. I have worked with parents who have caught their 9-year-old gaming, under the covers of his bed, in the middle of the night. I have watched children kick and scream and punch their parents when smartphones are not handed over to them to play video games. These are good kids with good parents from loving and otherwise healthy homes.
Added to the desensitization to violence is a host of other side-effects, such as attention disorders, short fuses, quickness to anger and frustration, an inability to connect and socialize and play with other children, a phenomenally under-developed ability to cope and adjust, addictive-type behaviors, and antisocial behavior, among others.
Iowa State University’s Dr. Craig Anderson gave a summary of the most comprehensive meta-study review ever conducted in this line of research. Anderson concluded that “violent video games are not just a correlation, but a causal risk factor for increased aggressive thoughts and behaviors.” He went on to say, “the results prove conclusively that exposure to violent video games makes more aggressive, less caring kids—regardless of their age, sex or culture.”
Anderson has spent most of his research career studying video game effects on children and aggression, and he believes the debate is over, pointing out “it’s now time to move on to a more constructive question like, ‘How do we make it easier for parents—within the limits of culture, society, and law—to provide a healthier childhood for their kids?’”
The good news is that parents are in control. That said, it’s a heavy lift. Video games, depending on the content and the amount of time spent playing, can be educational and can have a positive effect on children. Parents must be vigilant, proactive and unabashed in their rules for screen time. Delay exposure to any digital device for as long as possible. This was my strategy, and not because I knew better or was a better parent. Frankly, I was lazy and didn’t want to or have time to monitor the kids’ internet usage. Once the digi-gate opens, it’s tough to close. Connecting, communicating and community are key elements to supporting, educating and empowering parents on the potentially serious impacts that untethered technology and gaming has on developing little brains. Every parent can make the decision to limit and control their child’s screen usage. It’s not too late.
• Be sure the video game is age appropriate and look for a rating.
• Read warnings for all games.
• Allow educational games versus causal games.
Set guidelines and time limits for gaming.
• Do not allow gaming at night, especially around sleep time.
• Keep all electronics out of your child’s bedroom.
Join your child in the video game and be present.
• Follow the same rules you set for your child—be a good role model.
• Set up parent controls and watch online chats or block them altogether.
Do not allow your child to share personal information.
• Educate and communicate with your child about the negative effects of video games. Talk about the positive aspects of technology, too. There is a healthy balance.
Additional suggested reading: “Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids - and How to Break the Trance” by Nicholas Kardaras