Oct/Nov 2021 On the Minds of Moms

OCTOBER | NOVEMBER 2021

Inside:

DAUGHTER MEMORIALIZED IN NONPROFIT SERVING PARENTS DEALING WITH LOSS | 22 The valley’s

for today’s

CONTENT

IN EVERY ISSUE

CONTRIBUTORS.................................................... 4 EDITOR'S NOTE........................................................ 7 SHUTTERBUG............................................................ 20 EVENTS..................................................................................... 42

EveryDay Adventures Photography

2

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

20

CONTENT

FEATURES & PROFILES MOD MOM

Ashley Thompson.......................................................................... 8

STRONGER RELATIONSHIPS

How to build a strong relationship with your partner........................................................................... 12

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

Being in awe of other moms makes me a better one............................................................ 16

30 38

COVER STORY

Daughter’s death memorialized in nonprofit that serves other parents dealing with perinatal loss................................. 22

GOOD FOOD

Traditional Thanksgiving side dishes get an easy, but still delicious, makeover.................. 30

GOOD BOOK

Author pens historical fiction novel about 1997 flood for young readers............................... 35

LOOKING BACK

Reflections on life-changing experience that shaped parenting, writing journey....................... 36

RAD DAD

Doug Zeltinger............................................................................... 38

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

3

O

n the Minds of Moms is grateful to have the following women contributing their expertise and voice to this issue of the magazine.

CONTRIBUTORS

Melissa Davidson

4

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

is a mom to three girls and writer for Click Content Studios, a marketing and video production agency. In addition to writing, she’s passionate about health and wellness, wishes she could get through all the non-fiction books out there, and thrives on learning new things, like the cello!

Kathleen Wrigley is a wife, mom and advocate. She is made with equal amounts of grace and grit, with gobs of giggles and gratitude.

Jessica Rerick of Grand Forks is a freelance writer, trained chef and mom to four boys. Her food blog, wineandhotdish.com, is filled with recipes that quickly become new weeknight favorites. She also owns and operates Craveable Kitchen, an expanding line of dry mixes and seasonings.

Danielle Teigen is managing editor of On the Minds of Moms magazine as well as the author of two nonfiction local history books. She and her husband have three children who keep every day filled with laughter, craziness and caffeine.

Hiding Pods or Vape Under Mattress Unfamiliar Items in Backpack

Unfamiliar Devices Being Charged Through Computers, Gaming Consoles, or Outlets

SPOT MORE SIGNS AT Fargo Cass Public Health

SpotTheSigns.net ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

5

moms@forumcomm.com

PUBLISHER Forum Communications Company

EDITOR Mary Jo Hotzler mhotzler@forumcomm.com

MANAGING EDITOR Danielle Teigen danielle.teigen@forumcomm.com

WRITERS Melissa Davidson Jessica Rerick Danielle Teigen Kathleen Wrigley

ADVERTISING Lisa Tillotson adfeatures@forumcomm.com

DESIGN AND LAYOUT Sara Slaby specialsections@forumcomm.com

PHOTOGRAPHY Renee Clasen Jennifer Peters

CONTENT INQUIRIES moms@forumcomm.com

SFI-00574

MISSION AND VISION On the Minds of Moms is dedicated to providing a community of local support and real-life advice for the modern mom who is on the go and needs to know. We are inspired to help the woman behind “the mom” balance it all by offering support, validation and reassurance she is a good mom wanting only the best for herself and family.

On the Minds of Moms is an online community and magazine for and about local moms. We strive to achieve a balance between useful information and entertaining content. Written to serve as the local reading alternative to family magazines that are produced for a national audience.

On the Minds of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision.

6

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

The weight of becoming stronger MARY JO HOTZLER

E

very day when my kids schlepp their bursting-at-the-seams backpacks over their shoulders and head out the door, I’m astounded by how much they have to carry around and wonder how their little shoulders can handle it all.

I’m referring to those early days of middle school when instead of storing supplies in a locker and grabbing only what’s needed for class, they keep all of their belongings glued to their backs. Of course they eventually get comfortable with those pesky locker combinations and become confident floating from class to class without this added weight, but it takes a few weeks.

One morning this fall, while watching the kids waddle into school (this time carrying musical instruments to boot), the symbolism occurred to me. Kids went into this school year carrying a lot of extra weight — literally and figuratively — on their shoulders. But unlike the backpacks, this “weight of the world” feeling will likely stay with them a lot longer.

Parents seem to be divided on everything these days, from masks and vaccines to curriculum and learning. It’s hard to imagine some of that anxiety, anger, frustration, irritation or even detachment isn’t rubbing off. That said, kids often have

great insight and we should take a cue from them every now and then.

Take those heavy backpacks. When I express concern over my kids carrying so much around, I hear: “Don’t worry, Mom, it’s going to make us strong!” I’m not sure if someone told them that or if it’s how they feel, but it’s definitely true.

Adversity, pain and challenges often do make us stronger. This applies to kids and adults. Sometimes our experiences can be channeled into something positive or lifechanging. You will meet a few women who have done just that in this latest edition of On the Minds of Moms magazine. These are moms who have turned grief, hardship and health struggles into opportunities for hope, healing and even happiness.

Of course you can also find our regular features, like Mod Mom and Rad Dad, and our delicious family-friendly recipes from contributor Jessica Rerick. As always, please reach out to us if you know of a local mom (or dad) who deserves to be featured in a future edition of the magazine, or if you or your business is interested in advertising.

Mary Jo Hotzler is Forum Communications Company’s Chief Content Officer and the interim editor of On the Minds of Moms. She lives in Fargo with her husband Heath and twin boys.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

7

Dee Doboyou was born in Africa and came to Fargo 17 years ago. She is an entrepreneur who runs Mama Dee Daycare as well as two other businesses and a nonprofit.

She and her partner Tutey are also parents to Olivia and TJ. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography

8

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

Dee Doboyou

MOD MOM

Empowering entrepreneur wants to inspire, help others

D

By Danielle Teigen

econtee “Dee” Doboyou was born in Liberia, Africa, and came to the United States in 2004 seeking a better life for herself. She landed in Fargo with an aunt and was eventually joined by her parents and siblings a few years later. She graduated from Fargo North High School and attended college for three years before deciding she wanted to become a full-time entrepreneur.

Seventeen years after arriving in Fargo, Dee is a mom of two (daughter Olivia is 8 years old and son TJ is 5), a successful business owner (actually three businesses to be exact) as well as a new nonprofit founder. And she does it all to make sure her children have even more opportunities than she did as well as give back to the community by empowering others.

“My kids deserve the best in life; they are my motivation and the reason I wake up every day,” Dee shared. “There is no giving up in my dictionary, and I want to give them the life I never had.”

She’s referring to the hard life her family lived in Africa while she was growing up, and now that she’s in the U.S., Dee has realized she can help others who came from similar circumstances live better, more stable lives.

By day, Dee runs Mama Dee Daycare, which she opened just four years ago. She never imagined

My kids deserve the best in life; they are my motivation and the reason I wake up every day. There is no giving up in my dictionary, and I want to give them the life I never had.

Dee Doboyou

she’d end up in child care, but she knows life has a way of helping people discover their passion and hers is loving and growing children.

“I come from a large family and carried a lot of responsibility as the second oldest of eight kids,” Dee explained. “I know not many people are able to say this, but I do have a passion for kids...I started out babysitting for family and friends for free and later got paid to nanny for a lady who encouraged me to open my own daycare. I found something very natural about taking care of children. It felt like I was born to do this.”

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

9

What started as an in-home daycare in her apartment with a handful of children has transformed into an at-capacity facility in a single-family home in south Fargo within a year. Now, Dee dreams of expanding her daycare to a stand-alone center.

But that’s not all she does. In the last year, Dee also launched D & T Credit Repair and D & T Home Solutions, businesses that provide consultative and educational services for individuals or families looking to improve their credit scores to make purchasing a home or opening or expanding a business possible.

In addition, Dee and a close friend launched Heritage Care Action, a nonprofit organization that supports low-income families and children with child care and transportation services.

“What does a family need to survive on a daily basis? Child care and transportation so they can go to work,” Dee explained. “That’s why we launched Heritage Care Action; if you get to the root of the problem, you have a better outcome.”

While these “baby businesses” as Dee called them haven’t even celebrated a one-year anniversary, she’s excited about how they can help new Americans and low-income families live better lives. She knows firsthand how important a good support system is, and she’s quick to credit many people who have crossed her path, especially her boyfriend and business partner Tutey.

TOP: Dee and her boyfriend Tutey are parents and business partners. Dee was recently recognized at the 2021 Leading Ladies Luncheon hosted by the North Dakota Women’s Business Center.

BOTTOM: Son TJ started kindergarten this year and daughter Olivia is a third grader. Photos courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography 10

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

MOD MOM “He is my biggest supporter and the number one reason I am where I am today,” she said.

“I tell young women all the time to surround themselves with positive people who support their vision. He supports my vision.”

Dee’s vision for her future includes continuing to grow her child care business and so much more.

Read on to learn more about this mod mom.

What do you love most about being in child care?

I love the relationship I build with the children and parents.

How do you celebrate your African heritage with your kids?

We celebrate our African heritage through food, music, games, and family events.

What's a fun family tradition you have?

Our kids love fireworks so every year on the Fourth of July we sit out in the driveway and set off some fireworks.

How do you balance your work and family life?

By trying to not mix the two, knowing that when it’s time for work it’s time to work and when it's family time I try to keep work out of it and enjoy the moment with my family.

What's something people might be surprised to learn about you?

I love watching sports.

Best advice for other moms?

I’ll advise all moms to not be afraid to have some “me time”. Moms take care of everyone else and often forget about themselves, so I strongly encourage all moms to have a self-care day.

What are you hoping to teach your kids who are watching you be a mom and entrepreneur?

I want them to know that nothing comes easy, but with hard work and dedication, anything is possible.

Favorite place to go with your kids in the Fargo-Moorhead area?

I love taking them to Davies Water Park. My kids love playing in the water.

What drives you?

I am driven by kids. I want to create a lifestyle for them that I didn’t have growing up.

What is your biggest dream when it comes to the two new businesses and nonprofit you founded in 2021?

My biggest dream for my newly launched businesses is to help enough people to make a difference in our community. D&T Credit Repair assists people who have credit issues by educating them and repairing their credit so that they can gain back their creditworthiness.

D&T Home Solutions helps families become homeowners through our rent-to-own home program. Heritage Care Action was founded by me and my friend Queen H. Our mission for this nonprofit is to support low-income families by providing a 24-Hour child care service.

EXPERIENCE THE DIFFERENCE Providing exceptional faith-based education while inspiring excellence.

3 yr old Little Deacons - 12th Grade For information or a tour call 701-893-3271 jp2schools.org

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

11

How to build a

strong relationship with your partner

A

By Melissa Davidson

h, the chemical high of being in love. There’s nothing quite like it is there? The rush of excitement, the feeling of wanting to spend every waking moment with this perfect person; it all just feels so good!

Yet you likely know this stage of the relationship is fleeting. In fact, it’s just science, really. When we’re in this first stage of love, our neural pathways are lit up like a fireworks show. It’s all part of Mother Nature’s master plan to pair us up and make it feel great.

But what happens when the sparks stop flying and the smoke clears? The next phase is nurturing contentment, but for many couples, the “fizzling out” brings with it many challenges, particularly when you throw a life-changing experience, like kids or illness, in the mix. Gail Nelson, individual and couples therapist at Journey Counseling, discusses how couples can navigate these changes.

Why do relationships often suffer after children?

American culture can feel overly child-centered.

In fact, even Dr. Ester Perel says that we spend too much time, money and energy on our kids.

When we become parents, we get busy supporting a nurturing environment for them. While that’s a wonderful goal, it comes at a cost to the connection we have with our partner. We try to “get it all done” and sadly the work of checking in and supporting the needs of our partner doesn’t make the list. This causes a debt of time and energy that’s required to keep us connected.

12

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

We project that our partner knows what we are thinking and feeling as if we were one brain. We are two different people and part of the joy of a long-term relationship is watching and supporting your partner as they change and grow.

What are some of the warning signs that your relationship needs some attention?

We know from research that a warning sign of conflict is tension. When you start to sense tension between you and your partner it will come with hesitation and holding back from saying what you think. Sometimes we may also use argument and upset rather than a gentle and easy listening voice. When we get to this level we are also more avoidant of connection with our partner. If you haven’t taken time alone with your partner — with no kids, phone or interruptions — you and your partner may quickly lose touch with one another as resentment and distance build.

A dynamic, healthy marriage takes time and work and will require effort from both people in the relationship. iStock / Special to On the Minds of Moms What can couples do to keep a pulse on their relationship and ensure they’re nurturing it?

Lori Collins, author of “Building Couple Time” (BuildingCoupleTime.com), supports parents in their quest to find time for each other. She has online courses for ideas on how to keep your marriage strong. She suggests couples take turns scheduling time together into the week or month. For couples who have done this step, I get feedback that it is worth the energy it takes to make it happen.

What if couples feel like they already grew apart?

At first, we are biologically driven to pair up and go out of our way to spend time with this new person in our life. As the relationship goes forward, the “blush of love” reconfigures into something more on the endearing scale. Your partner is special to you because you have declared that you are special to each other. We need to keep exploring the many ways our partner is special to us and to the legacy we want to build over time.

Secondly, a key to appreciating your partner’s uniqueness is to practice “staying in your own

skin”. We project that our partner knows what we are thinking and feeling as if we were one brain. We are two different people and part of the joy of a long-term relationship is watching and supporting your partner as they change and grow.

We absolutely will become different people from that first stage of meeting each other. Love is what remains after the early chemistry has worn off!

What if there are still hard feelings from the past?

Making sense of your past is a good reason to seek out an individual therapist. If, as a couple, resentments that have built up could be a sign that you need to learn to debrief those feelings, own what belongs to you from a problem-solving skill set, and also learn to apologize when your own behaviors are problematic and causing your partner pain and upset.

Is it ever too late to build the foundation of a healthy relationship?

I think with two willing partners there is always hope to design a relationship that works better.

I support the idea of assessment tools and

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

13

Couples who go through therapy together can explore skills for being a better partner as well as learn to listen to a partner’s wants and needs. iStock / Special to On the Minds of Moms

retreats to add more depth to our understanding

helps couples get started on the right foot.

partner, you need new skills, better feedback about what your partner is hoping the two of you can create, and new insight about how you are contributing to a problem in your marriage.

At what point should couples seek counseling?

What are some outcomes?

of ourselves and our partner. For example, at Journey Counseling, I have a 5-hour course that

• When you keep having the same argument that doesn’t produce any change for the better.

• When you are having trouble expressing your concerns to your partner.

• When you don’t feel listened to and your feelings are discounted.

• When you are entering a new phase in your relationship, such as marriage, becoming parents or working at home with each other all day.

What should you expect during the counseling process?

In a couple’s session, the therapist will lead, direct, confront and teach. We call these tasks “developmental assists” because to be a better

14

For more information about Journey Counseling visit journeycounselors.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

You can expect the counseling process to increase clarity about what kind of life you want to build together, explore skills to enhance your ability to be a better partner, get more skilled at representing your wants and needs and learn to listen to your partner’s wants and needs.

What are some of the best tactics for building a solid relationship foundation?

A key skill is having a vision for your legacy. How do you want to be remembered by your children, your family and most importantly, your partner?

We need a long-term strategy for making our life work. A healthy relationship is a complex, unique, dynamic work of art!

Two video clips I use to demonstrate foundational elements of a good relationship are Al Pacino’s halftime motivational speech from the movie “Any Given Sunday” and “Lessons of the Geese”.

STRONG RELATIONSHIPS

Road signs to remember

Lori Collins, author of “Building Couple Time”, offers many great resources on her website, https://www.buildingcoupletime.com/. One of those resources is a free infographic about keeping a marriage strong after children. Below is a portion of that infographic. The full image is available for download at https://www.buildingcoupletime.com/infographic.

STOP

CAUTION • Making work and all electronics priority over your marriage.

• Adding more things to your to-do list.

• Talking about your kids during your date-state time.

• Acknowledge if you’re beginning to feel neglected, distant or lonely in your marriage.

• Slow down and make time for what’s really important: your children, you, and your couple relationship.

• Pay attention if you’ve overcommitted yourself.

REMEMBER • Post and remember your road sign reminder to CARVE OUT COUPLE TIME on a weekly, consistent basis.

• Make time for loving connection: talking, hugs, kisses, touch, and yes sex!

• Focus on what you appreciate about your partner and tell them!

• Remember Happy Couples = Happy Children and Families

Take your next birthday to new heights Visit fargoairmuseum.org/birthday or call 701-293-8043

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

15

Hailey Adkisson and Derek Dizney celebrated their daughter Juniper’s first birthday in January 2020 with her brothers Wyatt and Nolan. Juniper was born just one month after OTMOM managing editor Danielle Teigen’s son Kane. Special to On the Minds of Moms 16

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

Being in awe of other moms makes me a better one

S

By Danielle Teigen

ocial media makes it easy for everyone to feel like they’re falling short in any number of ways, and moms are often hit especially hard by posts that paint a seemingly picture-perfect perspective of motherhood.

And sometimes, social posts about another mom’s parenting journey punch you in the gut and make you re-evaluate your own.

Case in point: a friend from grad school moved from Fargo to Oregon after a divorce, met and married a wonderful man and welcomed a new baby – and her last one – just one month after we welcomed our third and final child. Both our kids were born just months before the pandemic started, so I watched virtually as our babies began hitting milestones around the same time.

Then, a post I will never forget: shortly after Juniper celebrated turning 6 months old, she was diagnosed with Infantile Spasms (IS), a form of epilepsy that causes a baby to have seizures often in a series of short spasms.

Juniper’s parents, Hailey and Derek, feared overreacting to the situation yet risked being labeled as paranoid parents by taking Juniper to the emergency room. After multiple doctors examined Juniper, they referred the family to a neurologist and reassured them the situation wasn't an emergency and likely wouldn’t have long-term effects.

They weren’t convinced, did some Googling about what they had observed, and instead took Juniper to a children’s hospital nearly two hours away but had specialists in IS. Within

Just days after Juniper turned one, she underwent a second brain surgery, one that removed the remaining lobe of her brain where the seizures were happening.

Special to On the Minds of Moms

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

17

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES hours, Juniper was correctly diagnosed with an additional condition called hypsarrhythmia, which describes EEG findings of her brain as random or chaotic and is catastrophic to her development.

Hailey and Derek sought immediate treatment, which came in the form of steroid injections (which failed) as well as a medical ketogenic diet (which also failed to stop the seizures). When Juniper was 9 months old, she and her family traveled to UCLA so she could be evaluated as a possible candidate for brain surgery.

Nine months old.

At nine months old, my baby was trying to figure out crawling, putting every toy in his mouth and pulling himself up to standing. I was trying to figure out how to get him to nap better, how to play independently for even the briefest of time, and worrying about how badly his latest tooth breaking through would disrupt his sleep.

Brain surgery was the farthest thing from my parenting journey. Yet each time I read Hailey’s posts as she began documenting Juniper’s journey, my stomach lurched and my heart dropped. It was just so unfair. Why should she have to be dealing with such monumental medical issues when so many others, myself included, have never had to? I watched in awe as she and her family soldiered on, seeking help and relief for their baby.

Top to bottom: Despite Juniper’s incredible health challenges, she continues to develop on her own time and is a happy, good natured baby. Special to On the Minds of Moms Danielle Teigen and Kane, who is one month older than Juniper, wear shirts they purchased to help Juniper's family offset the cost of therapies and medical expenses as well as spread awareness about epilepsy. Danielle Teigen / On the Minds of Moms 18

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

Hailey and Derek opted for Juniper to have brain surgery to remove the portion of her brain where the spasms seemed to be happening most frequently and could be doing the most damage. I cheered for them from afar as they seemed to enjoy some semblance of relief and normalcy (granted, still during a global pandemic, so there’s that) in their family, which also includes Juniper’s half brothers, Wyatt and Nolan.

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES Then, more devastation.

Just as Juniper celebrated her first birthday “ONE-derwoman” style, Hailey shared that the spasms had returned and another brain surgery was likely on the horizon. So as her baby was facing another battery of medical tests, hospital stays and ANOTHER possible brain surgery, my son was walking all over our house and playing with a remote control car. I was incredulous. And devastated for them. Heartbroken. Sad. Grateful.

Guilty.

Grateful that my baby wasn’t struggling with anything close to what Juniper was, yet guilty because I’d taken my pretty uneventful parenting journey for granted.

I’ll never forget how I felt reading Hailey’s post about how Juniper had never reached her arms up for Hailey to pick her up. Up until that moment, I had been frustrated nearly every time my son did that because it was yet another way he was showing his clinginess, his dependence on me. I felt guilty immediately that I hadn’t seen what a gift it was that my son wanted me and could demonstrate that by asking me to pick him up.

Now, thinking of that post keeps me focused on that gift (although, admittedly, it’s still very hard for me to remember that gratitude every single time he reaches for me).

The return of spasms meant Juniper would undergo an anatomical hemispherectomy to remove the remaining lobe of her brain in the hope that the seizures would stop. Now, Juniper has half a brain. Though she has permanent intellectual and physical disabilities, Juniper continues to develop on her own time and is the happiest baby ever, Hailey said. Unfortunately, she continues to experience seizures and has hundreds of spasms a day.

When I talked to Hailey and Derek in June, they shared the details of their daughter’s medical journey matter of factly. It was only when I started to ask questions about how they were

coping, how their sons had been affected, how they were planning for the future that emotions broke through.

“It’s been overwhelming,” Hailey said frankly.

Despite that, Hailey and Derek continue to advocate for their daughter’s health and have built a supportive community of other medical parents. Their boys love and accept Juniper as she is, and they’ve had lots of conversations about disabilities and acceptance of others that they wouldn’t have had if Juniper was a neurotypical child.

And then there’s me, with my neurotypical child and the usual frustrations I’ve had that pale incredibly next to Juniper’s journey. I’ve never been more in awe of another mother or prayed so hard for someone else’s child than I have for Juniper. Every time Hailey shares another step in their journey, I can’t help but wonder if I’d be as strong, as brave, as vulnerable to share what’s happening to me, to my child, to my family amid a devastating diagnosis. I hope so, but I also pray I never have to find out. And that’s what makes me work to be a better mom every day. Because being in awe of another mother has humbled me in ways I don’t yet fully comprehend, but I am grateful for nonetheless.

Note: You can learn more about Juniper’s journey by following the Instagram account @growing_juniper.

Early Childhood Screening

3-5 YEARS OLD REQUIRED IN MN

REGISTER ONLINE www.moorheadschools.org/ce

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

19

My Two Peas Photography

Sophie Grace Photography

My Two Peas Photography

Ten Little Chickens Photography

EveryDay Adventures Photography

20

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

Ten Little Chickens Photography

My Two Peas Photography

Sophie Grace Photography

Ten Little Chickens Photography

shutterbug

Shutterbug is a section dedicated to partnering with area photographers who have a passion for family portraits.

Interested in having your photographs featured? Email moms@forumcomm.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

21

Love and loss

Daughter’s death memorialized in nonprofit that serves other parents dealing with perinatal loss

22

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

ASHLEY THOMPSON

By Danielle Teigen

L

ike so many of us, when Ashley Thompson discovered in June 2019 that she and her husband Chad were pregnant, she was elated. The couple had been married since the previous fall after dating for several years. Because of autoimmune disorders Ashley has, the couple had been told conceiving could be difficult so they wasted no time and enlisted the help of fertility specialists.

Her positive pregnancy test only months after beginning treatment was surprising yet exciting. As they prepared for the birth of their baby, Ashley and Chad were also preparing for business growth, as her therapy practice BirchwoodTherapeutic Services, would be opening a clinic in Breckenridge. Ashley continued to feel good until January 2020, when she noticed some slight changes. She worked closely with her medical team, but was eventually diagnosed with preeclampsia and scheduled to be induced on Feb. 6 at 37 weeks.

She never made it to that appointment.

Chad and Ashley Thompson lost their daughter Adelyn Rose in February 2020 due to complications she suffered during the birthing process. Soon after they established the nonprofit Addie’s Angels to provide mental health services for others dealing with perinatal disorders. Photo courtesy of Jennifer Peters Photography ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

23

Shortly after Addie passed away, Ashley discovered she was pregnant again.

The couple welcomed their son Cooper just days before what would have been Addie’s first birthday. Photo courtesy of Jennifer Peters Photography On Feb. 3, Ashley and Chad’s daughter Adelyn “Addie” Rose died due to complications she suffered during the birthing process. The pain and bleeding Ashley began experiencing the night before were thought to be early labor symptoms, but was actually a placental abruption that deprived Addie of oxygen. Even though NICU nurses were able to restart her heart, Addie had no brain activity. Ashley and Chad were able to spend precious hours with their daughter before removing life support, even calling family and close friends to meet and say goodbye to their baby just 11 hours after she was born.

“We took that as a blessing because we got a little time with her at least,” Ashley remembered.

They were able to take photos of Addie in her going home outfit, and those mementos are something they will cherish forever.

Facing loss, moving forward As a therapist and police officer, respectively, Ashley and Chad have dealt with grief, but the pain of losing their child wasn’t something they 24

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

could ever be prepared for. “It is a process,” Ashley said quietly. Chad agreed, silently and with tears in his eyes. Both took time away from work to process their feelings, but they also started having serious conversations about how they could remember their baby girl.

“Chad came up with the name ‘Addie’s Angels' in the hospital while we were grieving,” Ashley said.

They weren’t sure what to do with that name yet, but ideas started flowing. Chad said they bought a star and named it for Addie, and then bought a second they called “Addie’s Angels” in honor of the doctors and nurses who cared for her.

As Ashley searched for counseling options dealing specifically with perinatal loss, she found very little. “I was shocked to find there wasn’t a nonprofit to provide resources for parents dealing with loss,” she said. “It’s the most unbearable pain a person could face.”

After receiving a memory bear gift as well as a box of self-care items from another local nonprofit, Ashley said they realized that Addie’s

Angels could fill the gap for mental health counseling in the face of devastating loss, and they set about finding individuals with the knowledge, expertise and devotion to help found the organization. As she and a fellow therapist began training to serve the specific needs of parents who’d lost a child, Ashley discovered she was pregnant again.

“On the same day I found out I was pregnant with Addie,” Ashley recalled. “It was just wonderful and beautiful. It was just meant to be.”

But amid their excitement about the prospect of another child, Ashley and Chad also had to deal with their fear and anxiety from their first experience. “It was a whirlwind of emotions,” she said. “We had to work through some trust and forgiveness.”

Just before she was 36 weeks along, Ashley was diagnosed with hypertension and told she could try to make it to 37 or 38 weeks, but she and Chad realized they didn’t want to take any risks. On Feb. 1, 2021, their son Cooper was born and they celebrated Addie’s first birthday in the hospital with him. “That was special too, because there were nurses still there that we just adore who came and ate cake and sang happy birthday to Addie,” Ashley said.

A nonprofit takes shape Once Ashley was in her third trimester, she had to take a step back from the early development of Addie’s Angels as a nonprofit organization. The group they’d assembled early had decided in the fall of 2020 (before Cooper was born) to hold a virtual run as an inaugural event. “We were really blown away by the support we were getting not just from friends and family but from so many other people,” she said.

On Sept. 20, 2020, Addie’s Angels was officially born.

As additional paperwork was filed, Ashley and another therapist continued training and discussing the specific services the organization would provide. They began reaching out to area hospitals like Sanford, Essentia and Altru so they could let patients know Addie’s Angels was a resource for them.

“It turned out Addie’s Angels was going to be more than we first thought,” Ashley explained, noting they started including counseling services for those facing infertility, NICU families as well as funeral support

Eleven hours after her birth, Addie passed away after being lovingly cradled in the arms of her mother Ashley (top) and father Chad (bottom). Photos courtesy of Molly Mack Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

25

LOVE AND LOSS through an emotional support advocate. “We’re a death-denying culture...and families have said other family members think it’s weird to have a memorial service for a baby that died,” she said.

“But our stance is, that was your baby. You loved your baby.”

Patient referrals are flowing to Addie’s Angels, but the referrals outweigh the number of people who actually seek counseling with the organization. “Mental health itself is so stigmatized,” she said. “And baby and pregnancy loss is treated as something that is best ignored and you have to move forward.”

The organization will also soon bring on another therapist who specializes in chronic and terminal illnesses in children. Another hope for the future is having therapists on the Addie’s Angels team who can work with doctors, nurses, firefighters, police officers and others who deal with loss in different situations than a parent does. “Loss affects them, too,” Chad said.

Healing continues At the end of August, Addie’s Angels held its second annual Addie’s Angels Remembrance Run (the event was both in person and virtual this year), and nearly 7-month-old Cooper was able to join his parents in a walk to remember his big sister Addie.

Ashley and Chad recognize that while the second pregnancy was certainly filled with anxiety, Cooper’s arrival and presence in their lives is helping them heal.

“I truly felt like Addie brought him. This was God’s work. Addie must have gone right up to heaven and said, ‘this is the plan,’” Ashley said.

For the couple, turning Addie’s room into Cooper’s room was the hardest part of the transition, Chad said. That had been their safe spot to go and be with Addie and read books to her and remember her. The finality of changing it to someone else’s space, even their son’s space, felt heavy, sad. Chad

Although Ashley and Chad had to confront from pain from their first pregnancy and birth experience, they were overjoyed to welcome son Cooper in February 2020. His presence and the joy he has brought to their lives has helped his parents on their healing journey after the devastation of losing his big sister Addie. Photo courtesy of Jennifer Peters Photography

26

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

4 OUT OF 5 children who are sexually abused don’t tell anyone.

Do you know what to look for?

LearnTheSigns.org

CSA-00024 09/21

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

27

Addie taught me lessons I don’t think I would have ever learned if I hadn’t had her and then had to let her go.

Ashley Thompson

didn’t say much about the process, but he said again how hard it was.

Though Addie’s room now belongs to her baby brother, she is very much present in their home. Pictures of her fill walls and bookshelves, and portraits of her stars are in the hallway. In addition to a memory bear that represents Addie in all their family photos, they have a lovely memory box with molds of her hands, feet, and face as well as the clothes she wore in the hospital and the blanket wrapped around her.

And now they have Cooper, who looks just like his father and is keeping them on their toes with his sassy attitude and spunk.

“He’s incredible,” Ashley said.

Ashley Thompson is a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma, maternal mental health, perinatal loss and grief as well as equine assisted psychotherapy. She works full time for Birchwood Therapeutic Services and founded Addie’s Angels in 2020. Photo courtesy of Jennifer Peters Photography 28

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

As the Thompsons dream about who Cooper will be, they are also contemplating what Addie’s Angels will become as well.

The organization is really in its infancy, and Ashley hopes that eventually she can practice full time with the nonprofit and take on a more adminstristraive role with her Birchwood practice. She wants to give back and be there for other parents going through such a devastating event, to help them start healing.

“We lost Addie, and that was the worst day of our lives and we are going to miss her every day until we take our last breath, and if I could trade everything I’ve learned to

LOVE AND LOSS have one more minute with her, absolutely, there would be no hesitation,” Ashley said. “Having her and having to let her go has given me so much more of a different viewpoint about what kind of parent I’m going to be to my son and to even love those icky moments. Addie taught me lessons I don’t think I would have ever learned if I hadn’t had her and then had to let her go.”

Olivia Schmaltz

“We love Dr. Jessi, she is the best pediatric provider in town”.

To learn more about Addie’s Angels or to volunteer, please visit /www.addiesangelsnd.org or call 701-532-1535. You can also follow the organization on Instagram at www.instagram. com/addiesangelsnd.

~ Miranda Schmaltz

imahealthcare.com • 701-280-2033

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month This is a time designated to raising awareness about the tens of thousands of families who experience the loss of a child due to stillbirth, miscarriage, SIDS and other causes. Promoting awareness means grieving families will receive understanding and support in the face of their loss. To learn more about how you can help raise awareness or support grieving families, visit starlegacyfoundation.org/ awareness-month.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

29

GOOD FOOD

Grateful for goodness

Traditional Thanksgiving side dishes get an easy, but still delicious, makeover

By Jessica Rerick

Sweet potato casserole is basically a dessert that is served with the main course. Recipe on page 34. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms 30

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

I

GOOD FOOD

love fall in general, but I really love it because it’s home to my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because it’s simply about gathering with family and friends. I also love it because of the way the house smells. It's a predictable, familiar smell because for most people their menu doesn’t vary much from year to year.

Every piece of the meal brings its own delicious smell and always seems to bring a different member of the family for a walk through the kitchen as it’s being prepared.

In my earlier years of Turkey Day, I took great pride in the preparation of my turkey. I had a special brine, and it turned out beautifully year after year. Then when I had our fourth child a month before Thanksgiving, all of my energy was gone. On our first Thanksgiving as a family of six, I can recall two of the boys greeting me in the morning with a loving “Wow, mom. You look so tired”. I hurried to get dressed and apply some makeup only to have my then 6-year-old point out that I still had “so much purple” around my eyes.

I did manage to get the turkey ready, but that is when I came up with the plan for Thanksgiving meals moving forward. I would use smoked turkeys from our local meat market and spend my time on Thanksgiving focusing on the sides and desserts and having fun with family. It made life so much easier, and I have always thought the side dishes were the best part of the meal anyway!

Whatever your favorite turkey preparations are, I am going to share with you a few of my favorite side dishes for Thanksgiving or any fall get-together. Even better, they can all be made ahead of time, which can make your next holiday one of your easiest ever. You can spend more time relaxing with family!

One dish that gets everyone’s attention and is sure to bring foottraffic through the kitchen is Butter and Herb Stuffing because it just “smells like Thanksgiving”. It also doesn’t require fancy ingredients.

Sometimes I have used leftover whole grain breads that I have had around the house, but most of the time I just cube up slices of white bread. (The same kind that the kids use for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.) That gets the most rave reviews because I think that is probably what all of our grandmothers used to use.

Poultry seasoning can be hard to find around the holiday, but don’t sweat it. If you are unable to find poultry seasoning, just use roughly the same total amount of ground sage, ground rosemary, thyme, and marjoram if you have it. I usually only have the first 3 on hand, and it still turns out great!

Another tip is to have more bread cubes on hand in case you get carried away with seasoning or with the chicken stock. There really isn’t a right or wrong way to make stuffing…taste and adjust as you mix. It’s a dish loaded with love, and everyone makes it their own unique way!

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

31

Butter and Herb Stuffing Ingredients: 10 cups cubed, dried bread 6 tablespoons butter, salted 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 cups celery, small dice (including some of the celery leaves) 1 large onion, small dice 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (2 cloves fresh minced) 1 1/2 tablespoons poultry seasoning (or more to taste after mixing) 1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper 2 cups chicken stock Directions: Preheat your oven to 375. Prepare a 9×9 baking dish and set aside.

Place the dried bread cubes in a large bowl and set them aside. In a large saute pan, melt the butter and olive oil over medium heat.

Add celery, onion, garlic powder, and poultry seasoning. Cook the vegetables until they are 32

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

tender and onions are translucent – about 5-10 minutes. Pour the vegetable mixture over the cubed bread. Season with fresh parsley, salt, and pepper. Gradually add in the chicken stock, while gently stirring with your hands or a wooden spoon. Let the mixture rest for 5 minutes. Stir again and check for any dry bread crumbs. Add a little more chicken stock if needed. (You want the bread crumbs moist, but not too mushy.)

Check seasonings and add more poultry seasoning, herbs, or salt and pepper as desired.

Pour the stuffing mixture into the baking dish.

Bake for 30 minutes. Serve warm.

MAKE AHEAD TIP: This recipe can be made up to the point of baking up to 2 days before serving.

Most of the time I make this early in the morning the day that I am serving it and store it in the refrigerator until I am ready to bake. I usually let my turkey rest, covered in foil, for at least 30 minutes before serving and that allows plenty of time to bake side dishes in the oven.

GOOD FOOD This Butter and Herb Stuffing is made with common spices and the ultimate shortcut: white bread. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms

Air Fryer Green Bean “Casserole” Ingredients:

The next recipe is usually one that you find on the back of a soup can, but in the interest of saving oven space, and a few calories, I came up with an Air Fryer Green Bean casserole. I was concerned that I would miss some of the flavors of the traditional casserole. In fact, I love the freshness of it. Even better, the crispy onions can be made earlier in the day, so when it comes time to make the dish, a quick 15 minutes in the air fryer makes it ready to go!

For my Air Fryer Green Bean “Casserole”, I start with fresh, trimmed and cleaned green beans. I also cheat a bit and use pre-sliced mushrooms. You are welcome to sub in any mushroom you like, but I use the traditional white to keep the flavors as close to traditional as possible. (You can also slice your own, but since most of my kitchen helpers are busy watching parades, football, or cartoons during meal prep time, I take all the help I can get.)

1.5 lbs green beans, fresh, cleaned, and trimmed 8 ounces of sliced fresh mushrooms ½ large yellow onion, sliced into thin half-moons 3 tablespoons olive oil ¼ teaspoon garlic powder ⅛ teaspoon onion powder ¾ teaspoon kosher salt ½ teaspoon fresh ground black pepper Crispy Onion Straws (Recipe below) Directions: Place the beans, mushrooms, and onions in a mixing bowl. Toss with olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, and pepper. Add to the air fryer.

Cook at 400 degrees for 8 minutes. Stir. Cook for an additional 6-7 minutes. Remove from the air fryer and place onto a serving platter. Top with crispy onion straws.

This version of green bean casserole is made in the air fryer. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms

The seasoning is also simple; it’s the same one that I use if I make my own cream of mushroom soup: salt, pepper, garlic powder, and a touch of onion powder. Adjust or change it up if you wish, but my goal was to keep it traditional.

Another bonus to making this side dish is that it’s perfect for friends and family that are vegan or vegetarian, dairy-free, and if you make the crispy fried onions with gluten-free flour, gluten-free!

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

33

GOOD FOOD

Crispy Onion Straws Ingredients: ½ large yellow onion, sliced into thin half moons 1 tablespoon water 3 tablespoons all purpose flour (or gluten free flour blend) 1.5 cups oil for frying Salt for seasoning Directions: Place the sliced onions in a small bowl. Add one tablespoon of water. Break apart the onions with your hands as needed and make sure the water is coating all of the onions. Sprinkle with flour. Use your fingers to gently coat all onion strips with flour.

Preheat your frying oil to 350 degrees. Add a few onion pieces at a time. Do not overcrowd the pan. Fry until golden brown. Carefully remove the straws and place on a plate lined with paper towel. Sprinkle with salt.

Of course, I saved one of my favorites for last. It’s also last because it’s basically a dessert that we have allowed to be served with the main course!

This version is slightly less sweet than many of the traditional versions. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying low sugar, but it is slightly more savory than the presweetened canned version!

Halve a white onion, then slice in thin half-moon slices. After slicing, coat the onion with water and flour.

Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms

The best part about this dish is that you can make it up to two days ahead of time (without the marshmallows on the top) and just put it in the oven about 45 minutes prior to serving your holiday meal!

Maple Marshmallow Sweet Potato Casserole Ingredients: 4 large sweet potatoes (baked, peel, and cut into 1-inch cubes) 5 tablespoons butter ¾ cup maple syrup ¾ teaspoon kosher salt ½ teaspoon cracked black pepper ½ bag large marshmallows Directions: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Place sweet potatoes in a greased casserole dish and set aside.

34

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

In a small saucepan, combine butter, maple syrup, salt and pepper. Heat over low heat until butter is melted. Pour the mixture over the sweet potatoes and stir until coated. Bake for 20 minutes. Top the sweet potatoes with large marshmallows. Return the dish to the oven and bake for 5 to 10 minutes or until marshmallows are golden brown.

Note: To make this dish ahead of time, place the dish in the refrigerator for up to 2 days prior to baking. Then increase your initial baking time to 30 minutes. Top with marshmallows and follow the remaining directions.

Author pens historical fiction novel about 1997 flood for young readers

A

By Danielle Teigen

s the Red River rose throughout the valley more than 24 years ago, author Elizabeth Raum was struck by the stories she saw on the nightly news and heard on the local radio station.

"I was in my basement mopping up water, listening to Jack Sunday on the radio, and it was absolutely fascinating to hear what people were calling to talk about," she said. "I thought, 'Imagine if a kid was home alone while the flood waters were rising...'"

Raum's "Storm Warning" is based on that premise: 12-year-old North Olson is left at home in Ada, Minnesota, with his 8-year-old sister when his parents need to make an emergency trip to Fargo.

He faces challenge after challenge during one of the worst floods in the area's history, which forces him to use every ounce of resourcefulness and perseverance that he can muster.

Raum has written more than 100 books for young readers, but this middle-grade novel is the first with a connection to the area. She decided to place the Olson family in Ada because the pictures she saw in The Forum all those years ago showed big chunks of ice in the streets while National Guard members tried to evacuate residents. "It just seemed so dramatic," she said.

"A 12-year-old boy is always looking for a way to become a hero, so I thought I would put him in a difficult situation and make it worse and worse."

The drama begins immediately as North and his friends help with the sandbagging effort, and on that fateful Saturday, April 6, as the blizzard moves in, his parents have to head into Fargo, leaving him in charge of his younger sister, with

their great-grandmother next door in case of emergency. The story moves along at a rapid clip, as the weather and circumstances North has to deal with deteriorate just as quickly. North's ingenuity and courage in the face of mounting challenges is commendable, and other young readers will no doubt be inspired by him.

Local readers (and their parents) will be delighted by the many references to Fargo-Moorhead staples like WDAY meteorologist John Wheeler, Starr Fireworks, Peggy Lee, former KFGO radio hosts Jack Sunday and Sandy Buttweiler and so many more. While the story is fictional, the circumstances are indeed true and mirror what so many remember happening during the terrible flooding in the spring of 1997. Because of that, Raum said she did ample research to make sure all the historical details included in the novel were accurate, an effort that harkened back to her days as a reference librarian. That experience, which followed years as a teacher, started her on a path toward writing books for children.

"The goal is always to get kids reading," she explained.

The prolific author has penned more than 100 books, many for educational publishers as well as Christian publishers. Raum said she hopes to write more with a local connection, although that may have to wait because she has four other projects in the works right now. Those include a Christmas stories collaboration, a book about the U.S. Constitution, as well as a book about Daniel Boone's daughter.

"Storm Warning" is available online as well as locally at Zandbroz and Barnes & Noble.

For more information about Raum and her books, visit www.elizabethraumbooks.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

35

Reflections on lifechanging experience that shaped parenting, writing journey

A

By Kathleen Wrigley

nniversaries are reminders for events, like a wedding, a death or the start of a new path.

September is a special month for me. Of course, it’s a significant calendar month for most of us. September kicks off a new season and a new school year. This month is bursting with opportunities. Fresh starts.

Twelve years ago on Sept. 1, I said goodbye to my children and family as I relinquished every ounce of control, putting my trust and care firmly in the hands of God and a St. Paul, Minn., neurological medical team, and I headed into brain surgery to correct an 11-millimeter brain aneurysm. Trust doesn’t come easily for moms crippled with fear. Even my prayers were lined with helpful hints and winks to guide God’s plan. We want to steer our own ship. We crave control.

Twelve years ago in September my first-ever column, “Rollin’ with the Punches,” was published in On the Minds of Moms. I wrote that article for my kids: Quinn, Patrick and Harper.

I had no power over my neurosurgeon’s hands.

As mightily as I prayed, I could not manipulate God’s will for the pending brain surgery or the details of the outcome. So, I took the wheel and steered where I could. I cherished every minute 36

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

with my kids and family. I penned a note to each of my kids and sealed the envelopes. Then I wrote my first-ever column, for my children, so they would know how complete and important and purposeful they have made my life. The column was published simultaneously to the Sept. 1, 2009, surgery date.

Yes, September is a month of celebratory anniversaries, births (my son’s birthday is Sept.

26), and re-births. Each September that passes, I celebrate and I assess. Life gets hectic and years pass. Extra time and busyness are favors, not afforded to everyone. I give massive thanks, as I move forward and I measure, reflecting on what I’ve done with this second chance: How can I do better, be better and live fully in God’s grace and His will. I want Quinn, Patrick and Harper to see how God is working in me.

Twelve years ago, I remember sitting at my computer staring at a blank screen with my fingers draped over the keyboard, watching and willing the blinking cursor to transform the emotions of my heart into sentences for my first column. Harper was an industrious 1-year old. I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom. I remember letting her color her arms and legs with markers to keep her occupied while I poured out my thoughts. Don’t judge. Moms of small children are wonderous multi-taskers.

I am grateful for the opportunity to write.

Writing is a helpful therapeutic tool. As a mental health professional and school counselor, I encourage students to journal. Feelings and

LOOKING BACK thoughts cramp our souls and swirl around in our brains. Releasing them onto paper is an effective coping mechanism, offering validation that our ideas and emotions matter. They are worthy and deserve to be recorded, to see the light of day.

As I look back 12 years ago AND walk forward, I remember the tears and the fears of why I was writing my first-ever column — to my kids. I remember the neurosurgeon’s warnings of the worst-case scenarios of brain surgery.

The “what-ifs” consumed my mind by day and invaded my sleep at night. Not one person in the medical field prepared me for the emotional recovery that lurked behind the physical scars.

You understand. Their urgency was my brain, not my heart. So, I wrote. Journaled. Recorded.

And prayed.

My journey began with a health scare. Your journey may be different. Fill in your blank. And act. Do what you can with what you have, to take care of your heart and fill your soul with purpose and joy.

I was profoundly struck by the emotional recovery following surgery. I made it my mission to help prepare patients for the possibility of a host of post-operative feelings. I became the self-proclaimed ambassador for brain aneurysm patients and their families. Dozens of patients from across the nation have found their way to me. Connecting and sharing my experience to help people plan for what lay ahead, physically and emotionally, is both a responsibility and an opportunity to use my journey to help others.

I wished that someone had prepared me for the emotional recovery of my heart after brain surgery. For me, proactively helping to prepare others for the soulful healing legitimized what to do with the bits of my health scare that I could not control.

Milestones, anniversaries, and significant life events should give us pause.

Fast-forward 12 years. No one readied us, as parents, for the lifetime achievement of our kids’ high school graduations, followed by their swift departure on college move-in day. The

confluence of conflicting and contradictory emotions leaves parents forlorn and offcentered. And the good news is, the better you do as a parent, the more your heart is torn in half at this milestone.

We have two children living their best lives in college, one a junior at Concordia and the second a freshman at NDSU. There are thousands of pieces of parents’ hearts scattered all over those bustling campuses. I assumed experience would safeguard my heart from the pain of letting go of our second graduate. I was wrong. Sending our son off to NDSU was every ounce as gut-tugging (I am NOT being dramatic!) as it was to move our first born baby girl into her dorm-home.

Both lifetime achievement milestones left us clinging to their empty garage stalls where their cars parked, to the boxes of their favorite cereal left in the pantry, or the forgotten laundry left in the dryer.

And so, I write. And journal. And pray. I connect with other parents — mostly moms — who are battling the excitement and pride for their coeds, with the loneliness and transformation of their families that pair these milestones. I reflect on their 18 years under our wing, AND I move forward with confidence in the foundation we’ve built for them.

Yes, milestones, anniversaries, and significant life events should give us pause.

Twelve years later, I am looking back AND walking forward as I celebrate a dozen years of scribbling my thoughts into a column and 12 years of the gift of a second chance at living after brain-aneurysm surgery. There is hope and light, and yes, some heartbreak and pain, on the other side of these moments in time. It’s important to look back and reflect. And keep forging ahead.

The past positions us for the future.

I’ll end with a simple declaration from my neurosurgeon when he released me from the Intensive Care Unit. He directed me to: “Go. And LIVE.” Thank you for being on the journey. Let life humble you enough to build the steps ahead.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

37

RAD DAD

Doug Zeltinger Helping so many find their way

A

By Melissa Davidson

s a college student, Doug Zeltinger worked for the Office of Admissions at NDSU, giving tours and answering questions from incoming students. After graduating, he never imagined he’d have a career there.

But 17 years later he continues to guide incoming students and their families through the application, housing and scholarship processes as the university’s admissions counselor. Helping individuals find their way has not only become a rewarding part of life for him at work, but at home too. Doug and his wife, Suzanne have five kids between the ages of 3 and 12, providing plenty of opportunities to do just that.

“My father passed away when I was 20 years old.

He was only 52 years old. I just simply soak it all in and enjoy each child, their personalities and quirks,” he said. “Sometimes I feel like they are growing up so fast and the next moment you see them as they were when they were in their crib or when you dropped them off on the first day of kindergarten and you know that they will always be your child. Just in a bigger frame.”

Working with students at NDSU every day and helping them through what is an exciting but also possibly scary time in their life also takes on that same perspective. Doug recalls that starting college was his first real adult decision that was exciting, but also scary with the uncertainty and unknowns that came with leaving home. It comes full circle.

Read on to learn more about this rad dad.

38

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

You have to treat each child differently.

Some react to things differently and are motivated by different things and that is something I am still working on.

Doug Zeltinger

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned as an admissions counselor?

The importance of education and access to education, whether it’s high school, two-year, public or private; all of it allows us to find something we are good at or excel in and make a living from. We’ve all got a gift we’ve been given; we just need to find it and capitalize on it.

Sometimes we figure it out in middle school, for others, it’s maybe in their late 20s or early 30s.

Education allows us to turn that into a career.

And the most important thing you’ve learned as a parent?

You have to treat each child differently. Some react to things differently and are motivated

Doug Zeltinger is an admissions counselor at North Dakota State University. He and his wife Suzanne have five kids between the ages of 3 and 12. Both his job and his home life keep him busy helping young people find their path in life.

Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

39

RAD DAD

The Zeltinger family includes mom Suzanne and dad Doug as well as (from left) Ellis (4), Landon (12), Ainsley (9), Reese (9), and Hudson (6).

Photo courtesy of Jennifer Peters Photography

40

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

RAD DAD by different things and that is something I am still working on. Raising kids is not really a one-size-fits-all, but you try the best you can.

What’s the most challenging part of your role at NDSU? Working closely with scholarships is fun, but there are only so many funds to go around and sometimes the margin between a student getting and not getting a scholarship can be razor thin.

I wish there was no limit to the funds, because you know the impact a scholarship can have on a student and her or his family.

How do you help your kids prepare for their future careers and discover where their interests are?

I think it’s good for kids to try different things and learn how to fail. That is how we grow and learn. I try to instill a work ethic in them. You won’t always be the best at everything you attempt but give it all of your effort and energy, learn and grow from it and have fun! We are pretty blessed as a family and have very little to complain about, so enjoy and have fun and do it with a smile.

Is there anything you do in your role as an admissions counselor that you also find helpful when it comes to parenting and visa versa?

be. Same thing with students; try to deal with things before it becomes an issue.

How did you and your wife meet?

We actually went to the same high school, but we really didn’t know each other. I didn’t meet her until winter break of my sophomore year in college when I went back to the Twin Cities and was hanging out with high school friends who were attending school there. I was immediately attracted to how wonderful she was as a person; kind-hearted, intelligent, and driven and genuinely one of the nicest people I had ever met. It was an added bonus that she also happened to be the prettiest gal I had ever met as well!

How do you all enjoy spending your time together?

For a family of seven we surprisingly get to do a lot of stuff together. We enjoy family movie nights, board games, musicals, concerts and both playing and watching sports. Watching our kids participate in whatever makes them happy makes us as parents happy.

What quote do you live by?

“The grass might be greener on the other side, but you gotta mow that grass too!”

I have tried to teach my kids to be more proactive rather than reactive. Try to deal and address a problem as early as you can.

Don’t let it drag out and dealing with it is usually not as big of a deal as you think it’s going to

I think people are always looking for the next big thing or what they have now is never good enough.

Stuff might look better than what you have in front of you, but there are issues and headaches that come along with that too. Be happy with what you have.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

41

ONGOING EVENTS

OCTOBER EVENTS

Little Leapers at Skyzone

Lil’ Bitz Pumpkin Patch & Corn Maze

When: Saturdays from 9 to 11 a.m.

Location: SkyZone

When: Through Oct. 31, Fridays & Sundays 1 to 6 p.m. & Saturdays 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Location: 7414 40th Ave. N., Fargo

Buffalo River Pumpkin Patch

When: Through Oct. 31, Saturdays & Sundays from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Location: 14447 Highway 10, Glyndon, MN

When: Pumpkin Patch is open through Oct. 31, times vary depending on day Location: Red River Valley Fairgrounds

1

16

22

29

Candle Light Yoga

Art + Autism: Color + Line

Real Life Women’s Conference

Trunk or Treat at Grace Lutheran

2

Boo at the Zoo

26

Spooky School Bus Ride

When: 7 to 8 p.m.

Location: YMCA

When: 10 a.m.

Location: Plains Art Museum

When: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Location: Red River Valley Fairgrounds

When: 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. (also on Oct. 23 and 30) Location: Red River Zoo, 4255 23rd Ave. S., Fargo

Moorhead Sausage Fest

The Lab: Explore Geology!

Fargo Exotic Pet Expo

When: 3 to 8 p.m.

Location: First Presbyterian Church (Moorhead)

7 Motherhood Unfiltered: A Night of Real Conversation & Fun for Moms!

When: 7 p.m.

Location: The Sanctuary Events Center

15 Kathy Najimy Live with a Screening of ‘Hocus Pocus’

When: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Location: Rheault Farm

21 Recognizing Reptiles

When: 1:30 p.m.

Location: Fargo Public Library (Main)

Moorhead Parks & Recreation's Pumpkin Party Pick-Up! When: 3 to 6 p.m.

Location: Memorial Park, 111 Eighth St. N., Moorhead

When: 7 p.m.

Location: Fargo Theater

42

Lost in the Valley Corn Maze & Pumpkin Patch

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

When: 5 to 10 p.m. and Oct. 23 from 8:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Location: Fargo Air Museum

Libraries Dance: Spooky Ballet

When: 6:30 to 7:30 p.m.

Location: Main Library, 102 3rd St N, Fargo

28 Monster Mash Trunk or Treat

When: 5 to 7 p.m.

Location: Moorhead Center Mall Parking Ramp, 500 Center Mall Ave, Moorhead

Spooktacular Night

When: 5 to 7:30 p.m.

Location: Family Wellness, 2960 Seter Pkwy, Fargo

When: 6:30 to 8 p.m.

Location: Grace Lutheran Church, 821 5th Ave S, Fargo When: 4 to 7 p.m.

Location: Fercho YMCA, 400 First Ave S, Farg

30 ZooBoo 2021

When: 5:30 to 7 p.m.

Location: Chahinkapa Zoo, 1004 RJ Hughes Dr, Wahpeton

31 Square Scare!

When: 2 to 4 p.m.

Location: Broadway Square, 201 Broadway N, Fargo

Community Halloween Carnival

When: 3:30 to 5:30 p.m.

Location: Court Plus Community Fitness, 3491 University Dr S, Fargo

For more information about these and many other events, please visit https://fargo.momcollective.com/events/month/.

2

NOVEMBER EVENTS

Dias De Los Muertos Educational Celebration When: 4 to 6 p.m.

Location: Broadway Square, 201 Broadway N, Fargo

4 Grief During the Holidays

When: 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m.

Location: Online at www.bit.ly/griefclassregistration or call (800) 237-4629.

13

5

When: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Location: Hjemkomst Center 202 First Ave N, Moorhead

Candle Light Yoga When: 7 to 8 p.m.

Location: YMCA

12

Pangea: Cultivate our Cultures

20 Turkey Trot

Family Game Night

When: 5:30 to 8:30 p.m.

Location: Rustad Recreation Center

Antique & Variety Market

When: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Location: Moorhead Center Mall

Friday Movies at Carlson

When: 12:45 p.m.

Location: Family Wellness, 2960 Seter Pkwy, Fargo

SPEAKER

SHANTEL DUDLEY SPEAKER

PLUMB

SPEAKER

23 Christmas Tree Lighting When: 5 p.m.

Location: Broadway Square

When: 1 p.m. 1:00 p.m.

Location: Fargo Public Library (Carlson branch)

Moorhead Holiday Kick-off

13

27

Moorhead Royal Princess Ball

Santa Village

When: Noon to 2 p.m.

Location: Courtyard by Marriott

SUSIE LARSON

When: 5 to 8 p.m.

Location: Moorhead Center Mall

When: 1 to 7 p.m. (again Nov. 28) Location: Rheault Farm

Event listing courtesy of

JJ WEEKS SINGER

PHILLIPS CRAIG AND DEAN SINGERS

AYIESHA WOOD SINGER/SPEAKER

October 22nd and 23rd, 2021 @ Fargo Air Museum 1609 19th Ave N, Fargo ND 58102

Hosting an event that you would like to have published in the On The Minds of Moms magazine?

Email moms@forumcomm.com.

GET YOUR TICKET NOW

@ unifiedproductionsgroup.com For more information & group discounts call: 218-209-1367

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

43

Save time.

. e n i l n o p o Sh Get fresh, handpicked groceries

delivered to your home in as little as

two hours 44

Visit Hornbachers.com ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021

today!