Peanut Kid: I have a name, you know. It’s
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You know where women are really under-represented? The deep sea.
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STRATEGIES FOR PLEASING HER
The Ding-Dong-Ditch Just poke intermittently anywhere on that 2 in² surface area with a completely stiff finger and hope for a noise. Leave shortly after. The Fortune Teller Get your hands in a ready position. Now: Ask for her favorite color, and start rapidly flapping your fingers vertically and diagonally while spelling the word (R-E-D). Then, ask her for her favorite number, and again flap back and forth to spell this (T-W-E-N-T-Y-F-I-V-E-M-I-L-L-I-O-N- F-I-V-E-H-UN-D-R-E-D-S-E-V-E-N-T-Y-S-I-X-A-N-D-T-H-R-E-E-T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D-T-H-S). Quicker! Finally, tell her her fortune: “Your leftovers will heat up just fine at work tomorrow.” The Nocturne Op. 9: No. 2 in E-Flat Major This will require using all of your fingers on both of your hands, and you must be prepared for lots of tempo and pressure change. Most delightful with a 7-octave concert piano. The Idaho French Toast Rip-Twistin’ Inverted Axel The name almost says it all.
STRATEGIES FOR PLEASING HIM Why would we publish a piece about male pleasure in the first issue of our feminist zine? But check out our next issue, which will be entirely devoted to this topic!
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Hell yeah, I love WGS! Women, Girls and Sluts :)
- Ma’am, are you left-handed or right-handed? - Oh, actually, I consider myself apolitical. It’s beneath me.
MALE GYNECOLOGIST’S WIFE
- Honestly, Dan, I don’t care to hear how your day at work was.
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A lot of people blame anti-vaxxers like me for the spread of current viruses, but I blame the viruses.
I, THE HUMBLE CONSUMER, am tired of being spied on by the techno-capitalist surveillance state. But two can play at that game. I have started spying on my Amazon Alexa. So far, the only thing she has said is “I’m sorry, Jeff, I can’t find Deepthroat by Cupcakke on Amazon Music, please try again.”
CHILD MARRIAGE
I think we can all agree: it’s pretty fucked up. Hence the fact that I haven’t done it since I was, like, twelve years old.
DENTAL DAM Ellen: Hey I’d love to go down on you. Lacy: Oh yeah. Thrown on a dental dam. Ellen: A dental dam? What is that? Lacy: A dental dam. You know, pussy cling wrap. Ellen: I’m sorry I’m not following. Lacy: The hungry man’s fruit roll-up? Ellen: ... Lacy: Dental DAYUMM she’s got a yeast infection. Seriously nothing? Ellen: I Lacy: Coochie gate. Ellen: Lacy: Beaver Muzzle. Ellen: Lacy: The clit laminator. Ellen: Ohhhh... Pussy cling wrap. Got it.
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Tired of psychologists telling me I am attracted to men who remind me of my father when I am actually attracted to women who critique my appearance in veiled ways. An obvious homage to the sacred relationship between aunt and niece.
I think I became a woman when I learned that caesar salads actually have a lot of calories.
Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls aren’t legally allowed to be astronauts.
Something about these short pieces feels off to me. Like, what isn’t being said? And is it because we aren’t ready for it?
Hungry Fish: Okay, I’ll bite.
or rity f o r o s my out ink ab . oined h j t I I ns. ays ly, Actual ropic reaso ever these d n th philan ans more tha h p the or I always swore I wouldn’t be like my mother. So instead I am extremely similar to Mussolini.
To the Couple I Saw on a Bench in Lincoln Park Yesterday Bathing in the Golden Hour, with the Woman (36) with Long Dark Hair Sitting on the Man’s (42) Lap, Arms Wrapped Tightly Around Him, Kissing Him Deeply and Continuously Without an Ounce of Self-Consciousness While I Stood There, Stunned, Speechless, Dumbfounded, Having Forgotten that Touch Could Exist, Much Less Happen in My Vicinity, Staring Agape, Reminded for the First Time in Months of the Distant Possibility of My Own Body as a Vessel of Intimacy: Are you guys looking for a third?
They say every cloud has a silver lining, but I refuse to believe global warming has really gotten that bad.
Hey gi rl, di d it h when y urt ou fel l from balcon tha y? I’ m rea t worrie lly d, are you ok ?
If These Walls C uld Talk
No, I’m telling you bro, they got it all wrong. Humpty Dumpty SHAT on me.
Honey, I know you can stack dem tits. But what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?
H wa ow y co bu me t yo sh u it p ar Sure, in k texting in th isn’t the e a same as talking st dri on the phone. But re ve when you get down to et ? it, isn’t nothing really the same as anything else?
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WERE...
• fun at first, but went too far • the single largest contributor to increased CO2 levels in the atmosphere in the 17th century • really great community bonding • how I met your mother • a mediocre book but a great movie • nothing compared to Salem Eviction Court • kind of a downer theme for a bachelorette party I saw Goody • an A for effort but Peanut with like a 3 for the Devil! execution • hotter than expected, temperature-wise
ZUMBA!!! Why are you sore from this?
I guess I just don’t understand why the blessings need to be wearing disguises.
Never have I ever... had a dad. PUT YOUR FINGERS DOWN SUCKERS HAHA
R E M E M B E R : The ladylike way to bite your nails is to offer your guests a little nibble first
Poop after sex
ZUMBA!!! ZUMBA!!! The
perfect opportunity to watch your mom shake her ass at 10AM!
R E M I N I S C I N G I don’t know, I guess it all started on our first date when she asked for my sign — both Scorpios! — and then she asked the specific date, time and location of my birth, and … yeah … that’s how we figured out we were switched at the hospital, unfortunately. Feedback from our test readers: “Yeah, you’re lucky you’re all so preternaturally hot.”
The best way to prevent hickeys is having no neck at all
Nothing Feels Important Right Now but Fuck It Here’s Five Viruses That Look Like Boys from One Tree Hill Look, I don’t know who this is. I didn’t even watch One Tree Hill. It just seemed like a good cultural touchstone that everyone could bond over and be like “huh, I guess Maize Dwarf Mosaic Virus does kinda look like Dan.” That’s all I want. So see the resemblance and let’s just all go home, okay? Please. Go home.
I think this one is Jared or whatever. Do you feel good yet? I feel good. This is good. This is a good thing we’re doing.
Are you serious? This guys’ name is “Mouth”??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA MOUTH??? You’ve got to be kidding me. They really did that?? Oh man I’ve gotta watch this show. Oh, Chad Michael Murray. Damn, wonder what he’s up to now. Do you think I should email him? Just as, like, a fan of the show? I know I said I didn’t watch it but I feel like I’ve gotten to know these guys like with the Mouth thing - that was fun, right? Yeah, you’re right. It was stupid. I’m not upset. Shut up. Let’s just go back to the thing.
Get it? It’s the tree. From the h i l l . * s i g h * When will it all end?
ATTN: READER: Feel free to staple your own content in here! That’s called “horizontal publishing.” Bitch, what the fuck is a “Visa V?” Just say “with regard to” like the rest of us.
Is it weird to have straight intercourse to Sufjan Stevens’ “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us?”
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Don’t you have any self-respect?
TRANSUBSTANTIATI0N Well, I heard that now the Catholics can transubstantiate the flesh of Jesus Christ into regular bread or gluten-free bread, and I guess, I’m thinking about this process, and … I’m just doubtful of … Okay, here, I’ll ask it. Do you think one day they’ll be able to make it Whole Wheat Everything Toasted?
Feminism includes, but is not limited to, using the nails emoji.
A lady is only as strong as her arsenal of silverware. Begin by fetching your dinner spoon, dinner fork, dessert spoon, vacuum tube (known in some regions as suction cylinder), razor blade, turkey blaster, glass menagerie, twain fridge, lip spoon, soup fork, spaghetti clip, prosthetic spork, banana hammock, pasta hammer, anchovy pitter, jello tongs, cloth plate,
People pay plenty of attention to Eve, but no one seems to remember the second woman on Earth — Veronica.
Haha dude I got so crossed last night that I forgave myself for the accident.
MARCH MADNESS PREDICTIONS Hey guys! So I’m on day 100 of my social media/news outlet cleanse, but there was no way I was missing this year’s March Madness bracket. So here they are, my predictions for the tournament that brings together over 100 million people to share in the communal joys of sport. Let me know if I was right! - It will happen. Awesome! Thanks for tuning in everyone. Signing back off, but see you when I get back online just in time for the Olympics :)
They’re saying that digital newsletters are the future of “camp.” Not sure who’s saying it, but I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion.
G R A N D P A
- You know, back in my day, you didn’t get anything you wanted without really working for it. There was no such thing as a handout. Day in, and day out, I was working 2-3 jobs at once to earn money so I could go to the moving pictures. We did our best to get by, and sometimes that meant making sacrifices. - Poppy, nothing you say can fix what you did to Grandma. “Some parents call their kids monkey or sunshine. Mine decided to be dicks.” - Typhoid Mary
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a libertarian (Goodfellas music) Feedback from our test readers (male cohort): “Yeah, so the dental dam one didn’t really hit for me.”
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If you get hit by a car being driven by a woman, don’t even think about pressing charges.
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A lobotomy costs less than a breast reduction.
M A K I N G
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Darling, please ... if I listened to every man who told me to “play by the rules,” I would have never become the first woman in Major League Baseball history to fail drug testing.
P I L O T
P I T C H
- Okay, so, basically, it’s a show about a girl— - I’m afraid that’s been done before.
S U F F R A G E
We need to stop saying women’s suffrage began in 1920. Women have been suffering for far longer than that.
C A T H O L I C
I suppose the toughest thing about growing up Catholic is that by the time you’re old enough to drink the wine, you’ve left the church altogether.
Thinkin’ about bunch of bones
how archaeologists talkin’ shit about
are just a other bones.
Third-wave feminism actually began when girls wore “If dance were any easier, they’d call it football!” sweatshirts to elementary school.
Feedback from my mom: “This is nice, sweetie.”
Are These Men #Canceled? Or Just in 14-Day Quarantine? JOEL
RICHARD
met online
coworker
LOUIS C.K.
acclaimed comedian
- Not a fan of dates in public.
- HR is frantically making phone calls.
- Your friend Melissa “knows” about him and would never let him touch her.
- People are saying they feel even worse for his wife and daughters.
- Fanbase fully behind him in this difficult time.
Environmental Action Tip #76: Don’t put this PDF in the Trash! Instead, print out a physical copy that you can recycle. Environmental Action Tip #112: Environmental collapse actually isn’t so bad if you don’t think about it. You hear a lot about Eleanor Roosevelt, the first First Lady, but nothing about the second First Lady — Veronica.
A Zoom
f One’s Own
In this time of great turbulence, all I can do is offer you an opinion on one minor point: a woman must have money and a Zoom of her own if she is to write fiction. As for the money, a $1200 government stimulus check will keep one alive in the sunshine. For the latter prospect, how is she to see and know the world if she cannot see the Golden Gate Bridge stock photo that Greg has so smugly chosen as his Zoom background? Surely that image is what inspired Keats, Flaubert, Kaur, Tolentino, and that lady who wrote “Cat Person.” The muted participant on Zoom, named Anon, is often a woman. Has anyone actually seen Melania Trump in a while?
MY MIRACULOUS JOURNEY TO GETTING A FAT ASS With all the talk in the news about “flattening the curve” and “setting things straight” over the next few months, I want to assure you that this rhetoric absolutely will not apply to my fat ass. By the next time you see me, I will have an ass so decadently juicy that if an object pokes it, it will jiggle for 4-6 hours; my ass will be so powerfully explosive that children will begin crying with fear as I popcorn them off the trampoline and into the nebulae; when all is said and done, my booty meat will have the density and stamina to sit in a wooden chair comfortably for fifteen minutes. I will be so caked up that bootcut jeans will fit me like a thong and an A cup bra will fit me just fine still. If you can’t see my face on Zoom, just know it’s because my scrumptious asscheeks are increasing in volume at such a rate that they will act as a high chair, elevating my head out of view. And to all of this, I conclude: Dean Khurana of Harvard College, when will you step up and promise the same? When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s praxis.
- No, see, I can say dike because I’m an environmental engineer.
C NSPIRACY THE RIES 4 GIRLZ ASSASSINATION OF JFK
Some people think that JFK’s assassination was an inside job. Rumor has it that the head of the CIA had recently started the mother of all diets, in which he only ate Jenny Craig’s Cauliflower Fried Rice with Chicken and Vegetables for every meal. As you can probably imagine, it took him an immense amount of willpower to exclusively eat Jenny Craig’s Cauliflower Fried Rice with Chicken and Vegetables, and this experience made him realize that JFK was absolutely not being tough enough on communism. The rest is history.
Maureen Clare Aline Damas Courtney DeLong LG Fadiman Emma Forbes Claire Fridkin Vivian Herbert Chloë LeStage Hanna Mularczyk Olivia Oldham Emily Orr Ali Peikin Eva Rosenfeld Freddie Shanel Emily Shen Sabrina Wu
Dear Mr. Murderin’, Thank you for your kind words! So glad you’re enjoying the present issue. Unfortunately, we don’t have the time to read beyond the third sentence of each letter we receive here at Peanut Kid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make dinner for my beautiful 14-yearold daughter, Shoshanna. Love, The Editor Copyright 2020 by the names listed above. Do we need to, like, fill anything out for that?
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