Issue 3.5

All I want for Christmas is more wishes and more Christmases and also a bat ...

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Hey, it’s me, Peanut Kid’s hot mom. This Christmas season, I just wanted to remind you to buy local .

Why the World Still Sucks:

Because every year Santa grants one wish, and it’s always this one:

A Nun That Is A Professional Tennis Player: I have been called to serve.

Dispatch from the Peanut Kid Editor in Chief to the Writers Re: Political Christmas Commentary EIC: Hey guys! Could you maybe write a piece about the North Pole being a “blue state?”

All Writers: (in unison) Absolutely not.

Adam Sandler did for Hanukkah what Jesus Christ did for Christmas.

Apparently Christmas is a celebration of one virgin birth. Here I was thinking a virgin was born every day ...

Everyone’s dancing merrily in a neo-post-fashion-ed way.

Almost-Reindeer Names: -

Dog What if instead of a Chet PS5, I got you a grain Nixon of rice. But tomorrow, Boner it’ll be two grains of Jessica rice. The next day?

Randolph Not three, but four.

Ashleigh Yeah, you heard that Thrasher right. The rice doubles [REDACTED] each day thereafter.

Freelancer Heath-Keith Mr. Fantastic Big Tits McGee BoJack HorseDeer Rudoinky the Red Noinky Reindoinky The Untitled Saint Nicholas Project

C H R I S T M A S S U R P R I S E Becca wasn’t all that surprised when her dad popped out from behind the curtain during school announcements.

I mean, military dads were always doing that kind of thing.

But the specifics of his dishonorable discharge were a little jarring ...

A List of Unactualized Polar Express Premises - the Polar Express but it’s that one movie by the guy who directed Parasite about the insane class differences on a train - the Polar Express but it’s The Hunger Games and two kids are thrown off the train every hour for absolutely no reason - the Polar Express but it’s the Trolley Problem - the Polar Express but it’s on an MBTA Orange Line train For Christmas this year, I got guns in my head and they won’t go. Spirits in my head and they won’t go ...

HOE FOR THE HOLIDAYS: SANTA SPEAKS OUT ON HIS ALLEGED AFFAIR WITH MOMMY

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It starts like all great road novels. Three buds set out in an old hatchback, head toward the star in the East as it rises in accordance with the ancient prophecy of Zoradascht. Hijinks abound! But nothing, literally nothing, will stop these three friends from finding some dumb baby half a world away and giving it a series of extremely age-inappropriate gifts. A reading from the Gospel of Matthew.

A HALLMARK HANUKKAH MOVIE

Dreidel-Judaica Rosensteingold lives in the Big City (Queens) and has recently become CEO of a Fortune 500 Deli. She’s got more gelt than she can count and a Bubbi who signed her up for Jdate without permission——guys I don’t think I can do this. The outline you gave me for this movie seems ... very anti-Semitic. It looks like you just took every stereotype you vaguely think is Jewish and threw it at the wall. You know challah’s a food, right?

Not “whatever those dumbos call their version of Christ.” Christ ... is the Jewish version of Christ. Also the only description you gave for “DreidelJudaica” is that she’s “got a face anyone would love to punch” and “wouldn’t be caught dead without her shiksa.” Do you know what that word means? No, Jeremy, it’s not some kind of purse. I know I said we needed more Hanukkah content in the holiday movie repertoire, it’s just ... you guys know people don’t pay for things with gelt, right? It’s not a real currency. It’s worth two, maybe three cents tops. This all seems kind of reckless. I mean the villain of your Hanukkah movie is ... a sentient menorah. And why is Barbra Streisand here? Also Senator Thomas Cornyn (R-TX)? He’s not Jewish, and frankly, that one seems like a shot in the dark. So let me get this straight: when the sentient menorah, flanked by its henchmen Barbra Streisand and Sen. Thomas Cornyn (R-TX), is about to burn Dreidel-Judaica with its “ever-lasting fire beams,” she is heroically saved by a shirtless man named Christmas riding in on his trusty steed, Bible Belt. And the film ends with a chyron about how “people really misrepresent the Crusades.” That doesn’t seem ... a little problematic to you?

Oh, wait, “Christmas” is actually a woman in this? Oh, sick, yeah, that’s fine.

The United States getting coal in its stocking: Oh, hell yeah!

Dear Grandpa, Thank you so much for the hardcover copy of WW2 in Pictures. You’re right, it will make a great coffee table book and it will definitely impress all of the young men I have over to my apartment. It was fantastic to get to see you on Christmas morning and Rachel was really thrilled to meet you. (Rachel is my orphan roommate who was wearing the men’s suit and had the same haircut as you.)

I hope we’ll all get a chance to hang out again soon and thank you for once again giving me the phone number of your coworker’s nephew Daniel, who is around my age. It’s always nice to make new friends in the area. Rachel is also into woodworking and old cars, so I’m sure she and Daniel will really hit it off.

All my love, Jessica

Hanukkah is a celebration of the eight nights it took me to send an email.

A Christmas Carol in the Bimbo Freeworld ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Freeworld, Not a bimbo was stirring, lest she mess up her curls.

The fishnets were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that Slut Nicholas soon would be there.

The girlies were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of queer radical revolution danced in their heads.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear, But a hot little sleigh and eight sexy reindeer!

With a stunning young driver so well-hung and slick, I knew in a heartbeat it must be Slut Nick.

And I heard him cry out as they drove out of sight, “Sexy Christmas to all and keep those coochies tight!”

Dear Hallmark Channel, I find your movies’ limited representations of the occupations available to women misogynistic, admittedly pretty endearing, insulting, and gross. Here is a list of suggestions for jobs that leading women can have other than “woman journalist” or “event planner.”

1. Woman event planner 2. Journalist It’s not that hard, people. Happy holidays, and be better.

A Catholic, another Catholic, and three more Catholics walk into a church: it’s my entire family going to Mass.

Maureen Clare Woman Journalist

Gingerbread Child: Mom, can we get McDonalds?

Gingerbread Mom: No, we have food at home. The house.

The house is the food.

Dreidel, dreidel dreidel, I

made it out of Vantablack, the darkest substance known to man, absorbing up to 99.965% of visible light (at 663 nm if the light is perpendicular to the material). And when it’s dried and ready, it will not appear to have any depth due to the fact that it absorbs 99.965% of visible light (at 663 nm if the light is perpendicular to the material).

PEANUT KID STAFF NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS: - tits out for gymnastics Maureen Clare LG Fadiman Kalia Firester Emma Forbes Claire Fridkin Vivian Herbert Hanna Mularczyk Emily Orr Eva Rosenfeld Freddie Shanel Emily Shen Sabrina Wu Copyright 2020 by the names listed above.

Except on Christmas, when everything is free and fair game ...

AND FOR ALL THE ATHEISTS: 1. Some guy in the Queen’s Gambit universe: AYOOOO I just sold this chess bitch a bunch of big ass green sugar pills ...

They say if you ask Santa for a backpack, an air fryer, and hydrogen chloride, the FBI comes down your chimney instead ...

2. What we think really happened that one night in Paris that they cut from The Queen’s Gambit: French girl got too drunk and fell asleep. But Elizabeth stayed up imagining over a 1000 different ways they could finger bang each other! Brilliant.

Dear Marissa, Thank you for absolutely fucking nothing. You are the worst sister in the world and I know that “Thick Scalp Shampoo” you gave me was one of Aunt Jen’s that you just regifted. Give me back my nice top. Anyway, I was going to giveyou therapy for Christmas but I am convinced your issues are unfixable.

Fuck you, Jessica