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Hey, reader, guess what! Each time you read an issue of Peanut Kid, I miss a period——and, really, I just can’t thank you enough!
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For Word Search answers, see page 13.
Fair reader, Apologies, for we accidentally wrote a bad word here. On behalf of us all, I humbly, humbly beg your forgiveness. - The Editor In the interest of editorial transparency, the word’s chode. - The Assistant Editor
The real problem with climate change is that I am just generally uncomfortable with change.
Board
Always the handmaiden, never the hand.
Room
Run
Entirely
by
Babies
- Our shareholders are dissatisfied with the third quarter results. - Damn it, Jenkins, I know that. You think I can’t see the precipitous downturn our share price has taken in the past few days?
B a c k - t o - S c h o o l S h o p p i n g T i m e ! I’m very picky about my notebooks: blue is for math, purple is for science, and red is for fun facts about my classmates. For example, last year, Madeleine in Room 207 crushed a sparrow with her bare hands and carried it around all year in her backpack. I wish I was cool like Madeleine, but my mom says I should try larger animals, like squirrels or geese.
a
g r e a t
Only in our great mind of event planner because other necessarily have
t h e
m i n d
universe could the a generation be an in Toledo. That’s universes don’t a city named “Toledo.”
b e s t
l u c i d
d r e a m i n g
All my lucid dreams start with a hot guy shouting, “Don’t hate the player, HATE THE GAME!” and me instantly recognizing this would never occur in reality.
l a n d l o r d
Yeah, man, it’s great——she just lets me live rent-free inside her head!
s o m e
s e x t i n g
- Babe what are you wearing right now? Describe it to me. - Uh, well, it’s a long dark dress with a scarlet letter on it, for shaming.
Harvard College Faith & Action
I mean, yeah, obviously it’s fucked up that Harvard College Faith and Action kicked out their president for being in a WLW relationship. But no one talks about the QSA booting theirs for getting her driver’s license.
Pitching a Faulkner Miniseries to HBO
The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past. And that is why this guy needs to fuck his sister.
If a little bat came up to you on the street and asked for a bite of your sandwich, would you give it to him?
Yeah, I gave him a c-word pass. I’m a giver, okay? That’s what I do, I give.
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Comment Culture:
bigtittyluvr69: i love her titties gregorypeterson: yeah me too Oh, yeah, my friend Kevin was at Sundance last year. Just as a spectator though.
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Cancel Culture:
bigtittyluvr69: yeah, I’d like to cancel my membership? PornHub: your what. Oka
some light reading for when you’re taking a long shit: Directions: Lather, Rinse, Repeat if Required Ingredients: Aqua (Water), Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, Sodium Chloride, Sodium Citrate, Tetrasodium EDTA, Silk Amino Acids, PPG-9. Cystine, Violet 2, Red 3
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I’l
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I d on’
t t hin k J FK
kil
led
WAR ...
him
sel
f.
Sure, I get that you think war is bad——but, like, other people think it’s good. So you see the trouble?
Questions or Comments? Call 1-800DOVE or visit us at www.dove.com I swear to God if I saw this fucker .__. on the street, I would kick his ass.
U
Each day, I try to spend at least an hour stargazing. My star of choice is the Sun.
PASSING NOTES ANGIE: Psst, Maddie——can you pass this to Grace?
This is a lady magazine and we will be addressed as such.
MRS. NORTON: Passing notes, Angie? That’s detention for you. And come to the front of the room and read your note to the class. ANGIE: [unfolds note] “Hey everyone. Mrs. Norton’s son needs a kidney donor and I was thinking we should all band together and see if we can find any viable matches and surprise her! Meet on the playground after class to discuss!”
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I can't believe you’ve never had your birth chart read before. This is so exciting! I finally get the chance to see why Derek finds you so, wait what word did he use yesterday ... oh, “confusing!” We went out last night. Derek didn’t tell you? Haha, Gemini men are crazy! So, to start, we have your moon sign, which looks like it’s Aquarius. Explains why you can be so distant sometimes. Like, earth to Rachel! I feel like Derek’s always saying that, you know what I mean? And your rising sign ... is Taurus. Of course! That’s totally why you have such a wide neck. It’s really unique. Now we can look at your houses. Uranus is in your seventeenth house, which means you have really weird taste in movies and TV. Yes! I knew there was a reason you’re a Ben Affleck fan. Derek and I are always like, Does she like him ironically? Calm down, it’s funny ... Oh my god Rachel, are you crying? This is so classic you, to ruin a fun thing. Oh my god, WAIT, look at this, your sextile Capricorn cusp is in the sixth sphere of the shadow of Mercury. That’s SO rare. I’ve never seen that before. Let me google it ... Oh my god, that makes SO MUCH SENSE. It happens once every 100 years and sometimes barely in our galaxy. This website says that when it’s on your chart it can only mean one thing ... That you’re going to die if you don’t forward some email to at least 12 people in the next 24 hours. What email? Jesus Rachel, how am I supposed to know? The stars can only tell us so much. Anyway, you’re nervous about Mercury in retrograde next week? I’m not worried about it. Guess that’s just the difference between you and me. I’m not afraid to get fucked. You know, astrologically.
C NSPIRACY THE RIES 4 GIRLZ Moon Landing
They say that, no matter how much you weigh, you’re, like, super light on the moon. But light enough for Neil Armstrong to do all that floating around? I don’t think so! In a shocking confession, one NASA insider has revealed that the landing was filmed on a set, and that Armstrong only appears less impacted by gravity in footage due to a monthslong regimen of Denise Austin: Boot Camp Total Body Blast. The only truthful part of this story? That it was filmed on the moon, which is where the moon set was located.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE :
You might have been born too late to be the first female astronaut, but you can still be the first female astronaut to get shot at 25,000mph into the Sun.
The 6 Stages of Falling Out of Love:
Would the Virgin Mary have used the DivaCup Model 0 (for virgins or the DivaCup Model 2 (for women who have given birth)?
A Rejected High School Pep Rally Cheer: Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
Stop donating to save the polar bears. What do you owe them? If a polar bear met you he’d straight up kill you on the spot. I say, save your money for the NRA.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
indifference prophase prometaphase metaphase rebound telophase
Nadya Novak had last been seen riding east into a setting sun. Some said she was on her way to Heaven, and others said she was just going to Boise. But no one took the time to wonder why the sun chose that particular day to start setting in the East.
The fact that the Bible made it to 66 books is clear nepotism on God’s part.
I miss the ol d days of cyberbul lying, pre-comput ers.
Me: What the actual fuck are you looking at? .__. : .__.
Hi, Poison Control? It’s Animal Control. This is awkward, but ... I was wondering if you might be free this Friday night?
Worst frat mixer of the year? Definitely the one where Armpit fell out the window. Best frat mixer, though? Gotta say, the First Annual Armpit Memorial Kegger. He would’ve wanted us to have a good time.
A D V E R T I S E M E N T S
WANTED: Baby shoes, never worn. Anybody got any of those? OBITUARIES: Harold Nelson. BIRTHS: Harold Nelson, the exact same one! Also one other baby. NOTICES: Anyone know the rent for a one-bedroom in Harvardwood?
Updated School Bullying Tactics for the Second Wave of the Pandemic
Swirly: Begin by having your chosen dork remove his N95 mask so the water can better enter his mouth. Now feel free to leave. Actually touching him and a toilet poses too great of a risk to yourself, but by coercing him to go maskless in a middle school boy’s room——well, you’ve done enough. Wedgie Up the Flagpole: Take down the American flag and replace it with one of your classmates in their whitey-tighties. This not only a prank on him, but also functions as your school’s “white flag of surrender” to a second round of school closures. Lunch Money: Money is an unnecessary risk in case germs can be transferred through the cellulose fibers of a dollar bill. Try hacking a dweeb’s Apple Pay instead, or else steal his Social Security information and reroute his family’s unemployment checks to your own bank account. Tripping in the Hallway: Make sure only the sole of your shoe touches your victim, and be sure to burn the shoes immediately afterwards. Or else hatch a plan with the custodian to clean and wax the floor so well that Jimmy takes himself out on the walk from A-Block to B-Block. Tack on the Chair: Replace the thumbtack with a syringe containing the only viable cure for COVID-19, eventually rendering your victim the sole survivor of Ms. Landry’s 7th grade class. Her survivor’s guilt will be a source of constant, crushing self-hatred all throughout the rest of her middle school experience. She won’t even be able to enjoy 8th Grade Zoom Cotillion. Cyberbullying: This pretty much the same.
one
is
actually
OVERHEARD IN THE SLEEK CORPORATE OFFICES OF A GIRLBOSS CEO NEAR YOU Girlboss CEO: Yeah, so the most important thing for me is that my business fosters inclusivity. It’s for that reason that I have both a brunette employee and one who is not pretty, just funny.
...
Girlboss CEO: Girl, don’t worry! Our products are only tested on animals who are ugly.
... Girlboss CEO: God no, I would never abuse my workers, I’m an empath.
... Girlboss CEO: Repeat after me: girl gang, good. Union, bad. Girl gang, good. Union, bad...
... CEO: Don’t make me get Girlboss CEO in here...
...
SOME FRIENDLY GAMES OF POKER BETTING -
Call. Call. Fold. Raise … To a triple dog dare. [gasps]
INVESTMENT BANKERS’ KIDS AT SLEEPAWAY CAMP
- Call. - Call. - Fold. - Can’t we just call it Duck Duck Goose like the other kids?
V A R I A T I O N S O N A T H E M E : SPIN THE BOTTLE 1.
… And finally, we have Newton’s Fourth Law. A bottle in spin will stay in spin until it is in the direction of the person you want to kiss least in the entire world.
2.
“Wanna take her for a spin with your old man?” - my dad, gesturing toward an empty bottle
3.
Guy: You’re being a little, like, intense about this game... Frog Prince: No I’m not.
ALONE TIME FOR THE DADS
- Call. - Call. - Raise. - Thank you all for sharing. It seems the majority of the group prefer to call their children on occasion as opposed to raising them. Let’s talk about why that’s problematic.
GAME WITH MY NEOLIBERAL GIRLFRIEND - Call ... her daddy.
BIG LOSER TODD
- Call. - Call. - Fold. - That’s two votes to call the police, one vote to fold the body in half and put it in a suitcase. Sorry, Todd, police it is.
PLAYING POKER WITH MARK CUBAN OF SHARK TANK - I’m out.
I often just wish I were somebody else.
It can’t be like just anybody though.
Anybody know if this lasagna passes the Bechamel test?
THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE SKY HIGH IF IT WERE SET DURING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE “In the end, my girlfriend became a zombie, my arch enemy became a zombie, and my best friend became a zombie.”
s p e c k
o f
d u s t
Look, I know my problems are pretty common and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Hell, I’m a speck of dust in an ever-expanding universe. And like all other dust, I’m trapped on the surface of a silicone dildo we call home.
How to Write a Self-Help Book 1. The first step to writing a self-help book is realizing you have a problem: no book yet! To solve this problem, read on. 2. Looks like you completed the first step. Hey. Look at me, buddy. That takes guts. Don’t let anyone undermine this achievement, especially if they, themselves, have never personally dealt with writing a self-help book. 3. Find yourself a peaceful place to write like a cemetery or steep roof. Make sure it gets adequate light in the morning, wind in the evening, good bones, great legs, you know the drill. You should feel like you’re at the edge of the world, or at the very least, the edge of a steep roof. 4. Pick your topic! Topics that have been successful in the past include “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” “How to Steal Friends Back from a Person Who Won Your Friends and Influenced Your People” and “So, You Want to Start a War in Iraq?” Hands off all of those. 5. Remember——you don’t need to be experienced in the area you’re writing about. For example, I’ve never actually written a self-help book. You just can’t let your readers know. 6. More, more, more! That’s the motto of the sixth stage: concision. Only include buzzwords like “liminality” and “weapons of mass destruction.” Nothing else. 7. Write, write, write! That’s the motto of the seventh stage: writing. If you’ve never seen it done before, it’s pretty simple. Just put your lips together and blow! 8. Congratulations! You’ve written a self-help book. Now, read the first letter of each step for a secret message. (TLFPRMWC)
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We at Peanut Kid think it’s fine to try everything once.
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WHOA, BIGFOOT!
Sorry did you say Big...foot? Interesting...So that’s what humans call me.
Wait sorry, I do like the name!
P e o p l e a l w a y s w a n t ...
the opposite of what they’ve got. When there’s a drought, they want rain. When there’s a monsoon, they want less rain. When it’s nuclear winter, they want the inevitable heat death of the universe. But when the inevitable heat death of the universe actually comes, they just want things to go back to normal. Where’s the logic in that?
Peanut Kid Remembers:
Okay, be honest with me ... would I look skinnier on a flat Earth?
Man, this guy has the most punchable face I’ve ever seen:
hey we ever pu blising peanut kdi aga in? ...
PROMPOSAL
Josh started off his promposal strong: by breaking up with his girlfriend. This left Melanie just damaged enough to lower her standards and maybe go to prom with him. As they said their goodbyes, Joshua whispered, “Have fun at college,” and winked, a big tell that a promposal was on the horizon. By 1976, Joshua was nothing but a memory, a vision of a past life. In other words, everything was going according to plan. Melanie had two kids: Little Joshua in the Air Force, and Big Joshua in pediatrics, both named in an attempt to signal to Josh that she wouldn’t be opposed to going to prom with him. She’d been married for years when Joshua showed up at her door with a sign popping the big question: “Open the door?” She opened the door, and he showed another sign that revealed his true feelings: “Thanks for opening the door!” Then he got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, pulled out another, clicked them together until they linked (wow, magic!), and asked her to prom. She said yes, but unfortunately the prom ended at 11:30PM and they were 35 years late.
D A D
do u think it’s something i said?
I never knew my dad beyond his absence. When I was a child and he would go on one of his “vacations,” our neighbors would whisper to each other, hushed and anxious. “Where’s Waldo gone now?” First, to the beach, then to the ski slopes——each day numb and lost in a new indistinguishable crowd. Sometimes, my mother would hear them, and she would appear uneasy, embarrassed, almost jittery. She would cradle my face in her hands and gently reassure me, “He’ll be home soon.” I almost believed her. Looking in the mirror, I would find him, of course: in my crooked posture, my lanky frame, my frail composition. We looked almost identical, as if some heinous creator had designed us for that very purpose. Worst of all, I had his beady, black, piercing eyes——the kind that find you, even in a crowd of thousands. He’s gone now, but this time, we know where he is. My mother leaves roses on his headstone, in the local cemetery on Church Street. White and red, his favorite colors. Sometimes in the street, I can make out a flash of red, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s somehow tricked us again. I hope it was worth it.
Man Stuck McSweeney’s
in the Universe:
Listen, there’s lots of ups and downs: some days you’re The Gift of the Magi Taking Place on Pawn Stars; some days you’re The Gift of the Magi Taking Place on Antiques Roadshow; and some days you’re just that article about the fucking gourds.
S O M E
G E S ..... B O R
as Places Recreating of Art e th , re t pi af Em cr that In tion that the Mine ec rf Pe ch su ed in ta a City, Minecraft Servers at pied the entirety of cu oc ce in ov Pr le a ng Server of a si re, the entirety of pi Em e th of er rv Se Servers and the Minecraft cionable Minecraft ns co Un e os th , me ass struck a Province. In ti e Boys in my CS Cl th d an , ed sfi ti the sa no longer e size was that of os wh re pi Em e th th it. In Minecraft Server of point for point wi d de ci in co h ic ed wh Empire, and y, there are Tatter da to l il st , st We Online the Deserts of the habited by 100 Gecs in , er rv Se t af cr ne My Tweenhood. Ruins of that Mi is no other Relic of e er th nd La e th l al Concerts; in
S H O P P I N G
M A L L
They say you can only see Jenny in the mall at night, fishing nickels out of that broken fountain in the food court and reinvesting them in other fountains; or else hiding in the racks at JCPenney, whispering to the middle-aged shoppers that the maternity section is that way, actually, if you were wondering; or else haunting the counter at the Tastee-Freez, which is actually just her part-time job. Jenny has been lost inside the Belden Village Mall for what is now eighteen full weeks, and was previously seventeen full weeks and six days. She is, for all intents and purposes, considered dead by both the Belden Village police and the local coroner, Jed. (What with Belden Village abiding by a dead-untilproven-living policy that results in death nearly 100% of the time.) Jed is a frequent flyer at the Tastee-Freez where he always orders vanilla in a sugar cone and tells Jenny to go fuck herself for stealing the identity of that dead girl. But the truth is that Jenny is the real Jenny, and that that Jenny has had no choice but to make a life for herself in the Belden Village Mall ever since her mom forgot her there in the winter. Perhaps you are wondering where Jenny’s parents are in all of this? Well, Jenny’s mom never went back to look for her because she immediately started vying for the Guinness World Record for “longest shiva” and still has four weeks left to go. In that time, Jenny will celebrate her thirteenth birthday at Party City, alone, and then go work overtime at the Tastee-Freez. The other kids living in the mall don’t ever talk to Jenny due to vicious territorial politics that are too complicated to explain here. But essentially, Jenny one time shot someone in a Limited Too, which butted up against the general “land belongs to everyone” ethos of the Belden Village Mall. That’s a hard thing to come back from.
Maureen Clare LG Fadiman Kalia Firester Emma Forbes Claire Fridkin Vivian Herbert Hanna Mularczyk Emily Orr Eva Rosenfeld Freddie Shanel Emily Shen Sabrina Wu Copyright 2020 by the names listed above. Unless you say “pretty please,” in which case Peanut Kid is all yours!
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