Peanut Kid Issue #4 - July 2021

My dad just mansplained to me something I knew nothing about.

IS SU E

4 DEAR READERS, Apologies for the long delay since our last release. It just so happened that immediately after we published the Holiday Issue, all twenty-ish people affiliated with Peanut Kid contracted ambiguous 19th-century wasting diseases and were sent away to the seashore to recover. None have. Anyway, hi from Cancún!

Love, The Editor

SOMETHING NBA COMMENTATORS GET PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO SAY

“And you know, Steve, now is not the time you want to let the other team score!”

Stop calling them “dumb blondes.” The politically correct term is “beautiful little fools.”

GET TO KNOW A COUPLE OF OUR NEW MEMBERS This issue, Peanut Kid wanted to have a special welcome for two of our new members, CLAIRE and CLAIRE. Like the good older sisters we are, we were gonna take them to get mani-pedis, but because it was Pride Month, we instead took them to a 16’ WWE Deluxe Package Wrestling Ring. Here’s the fight that ensued:

CLAIRE: What if we—

CLAIRE YOO: Hi Claire!

CLAIRE completes the first ever OKLAHOMA ROLL into a MOONSAULT DOUBLE FOOT STOMP, forcing CLAIRE to SHIT HERSELF.

CLAIRE ORRANGE: Hiii!

CLAIRE: So ... do you wanna punch first?

CLAIRE: OMG, no, you go first, please.

CLAIRE swings at CLAIRE. CLAIRE: Wait, no, seriously I feel so bad going first.

CLAIRE puts CLAIRE into a DOUBLE CHOKESLAM followed by a REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER.

CLAIRE: Let’s just— CLAIRE releases her leg to put CLAIRE into a TONGAN DEATH GRIP aka LEG-TRAP CAMEL CLUTCH. CLAIRE: Sorry, I just totally interrupted you.

CLAIRE: OMG, no, that was my bad, sorry, sorry, what were you saying?

CLAIRE goes into a REVERSE CRUCIFIX, willingly.

CLAIRE: No, no, I wasn’t going to say anything.

CLAIRE: Sorry, this is should probably just— CLAIRE KILLS CLAIRE.

so

awkward,

yeah,

I 1

One of the cool things about being a military spouse is that I don’t have to see my husband for months at a time.

You might think I’ve been cheating on him, as that’s a common cultural narrative, but I’ve actually just been focusing on my hobbies.

SPELLING BEE: It's only 3 letters..

Is it really that hard?

If wishes were horses ...

I'm totally gonna

PMS myself.

then how the fuck would I wish for a horse?

To the adult men who hate-read this magazine with bitterness & contempt: That's fine, but what's not to get?

We Appreciate You! What goes up and down and that’s all we know about it?

The economy.

Kiss Me, I'm Irish ...

Wait, no. Not there.

Just lost custody over my Tamagotchi.

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Ugh, all I want is a boundless sense of well-being. Is that too much to ask?

Ma'am, I'm afraid the catcalls are coming from inside the house ...

Yeah, I gave him a C-word pass.

I'm a giver. I give.

talk to me I've just met many years? n ma a t n' ca r Why I've known fo like a woman

Get you a girl who can do both: relive the past and complain.

If I was Harry Potter, I would have stayed in that little closet thing and made it into a VSCO Fort ...

I enjoy long walks on the sunset.

Shoutout to the women on whom irony is not lost!

And shoutout to the women on whom "Shoutout to the women on whom irony is not lost!" is not lost!

Hey Peanut Kid readers, do you live with a constant sense of dread and foreboding? Well, you’re probably right about that!

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HEADLINES I SUBMITTED TO CLICKHOLE THAT I’M HONESTLY SHOCKED WERE REJECTED:

BABY

Snake in the Garden of Eden: So, this fruit gives you all the knowledge in the world, and this other one makes your pussy taste like a flower.

GROUNDHOG

FOR

GIRLS

Nectarine:

Why did the fruits have to take this one? This is a beautiful baby name for a girl!

Diastole:

If girls can be named "Charlie," why can’t they be named "Diastole?"

Bennifer:

Sounds wrong, but isn’t!

Literally Kick Me in the Vagina: This Nipple Piercing is a Transformer Save It for Therapy: A Clown Nailed a Triple Backflip Off a 50-Story Building But He Has Synesthesia

NAMES

DAY

COVERAGE

Asking for a friend: Is anybody giving Punxsutawney Phil head down there?

Would You Believe It: This year, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, the Marxist imaginary comes to be.

An American Shame: Disgraced Punxsutawney Phil loses custody following third DUI.

HOW MY FRIENDS DESCRIBE GETTING BIRTH CONTROL Oh, getting the Nexplanon arm implant wasn’t that bad. First you do the usual stuff like get weighed on a scale fully clothed and then sit with that number. After that, the team of nurses injects the needle of local anesthetic. And by "local" they mean it was brewed in the town over, so it doesn't quite get the job done but that's okay. They didn’t have the scalpel the day I went, so they just said “You will never be the daughter your mother wanted,” which, of course, cuts deeper than any knife. Not deep enough, though, because then they lacerate you with a chainsaw.

Once that's over with, the nurses take the Nexplanon out of its wrapper, back up 10 feet, and take turns trying to launch it into your wound opening like a dart. There’s no feeling quite like when Nurse Mollie finally got it in, because I temporarily died at that point. But I really liked how honest they were——they let me know my boobs would take a worse shape and that I’d bleed every day for six months. So overall, yeah, like it wasn’t too painful. Take some Advil before you go in.

If I were a dog, I hope I would be one of those sexy ones. You know the ones.

This bush can burn and talk? Man, this bush can do everything!

When I see white men with BLM in their Tinder bios, I——you guessed it——feel seen.

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ΔΔΔ RECRUITMENT

If I could do high school all over again, I would probably not bring that knife to a gunfight.

If I could do high school all over again, I would not have tried to be the principal :(

When Megan got cut from ΔΔΔ mid-recruitment, the Sun itself went dark. After the eclipse ended three minutes later, things went pretty much back to normal——but not for Megan. For Megan, things could never be normal again. She had had as promising a start as any aspiring sorority girl could have: And Shannon brought forth her firstborn daughter, and wrapped her in a toga and laid her in a keg, for there was no spare bed in the 34,800-square foot Delta Delta Delta McMansion. As a baby, Megan was a huge hit with the Phi-Delts, who had custody of her every “Fraturday” and taught her pong as soon as she had developed the necessary motor skills, and with the TriDelts, who taught her her first words (Panhellenic Council, National Panhellenic Council, National Panhellenic Conference, and North American Interfraternity Conference, respectively) at an astoundingly young age.

That first fall, she brought in a record-breaking crop of Potential New Members during recruitment with her eloquent appeals to sisterhood, and when she learned how to read, her father would bring her in as a special guest——and, legally, an accomplice——to Hell Week at ΦΔΘ. There, the Actives paid her in animal crackers to shame the drunken, sleep-deprived Pledges by eidetically reciting passages of the ΦΔΘ Bible that they were supposed to have memorized by then. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child.

Megan had everything going for her. But if we’re being honest, she deserved to get cut from ΔΔΔ recruitment. No one should be allowed to have a personality that bad.

Re-reading anything I have written, even if was as recently as 12 minutes ago: Well ... it was really funny at the time.

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Mr. Nice Guy.

R. I. P.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

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PHISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS

When the emails started calling themselves fat just to get me to call them beautiful?

That’s identity theft that I can’t condone.

IS H T S I E ER H 'S W E N , O Y R HEY E V E ?

T U O AB G N I K L A T KE N I E L E B 'D I !

E E S R U E A TH BEC E V I L O T

JA

Brot a hoth is not girl food.

You wanna work for me, huh? Fat chance.

I only hire smiley faces on balloons.

NE

R ST

EE

T

The most tragic thing about Giles Corey's death is that he actually said MORE—— WAIT!

THINGS I TELL MYSELF WHILE ON TREADMILL TO STAY MOTIVATED ...

— —

Hey, hot stuff! Nice ass.

Whatcha looking at?

That huge car accident down the way … God, there must be, like, at least six cars on fire up there.

If God doesn’t play favorites, how come Mayor Pete gets to do all the buses?

THE

Wow, fatigued already. That's okay.

Just keep your brain a positive space (you ugly whore).

This is why he cheated on you with his ex (nobody has ever done this to me).

Well, you can kiss States goodbye with this pace (I’m not going to States. I’m 22 years old and have never run formally).

Fourteen-year-old you would kick your ass in a race right now (but ... oh god, was I even happy back then?)

(32 seconds of blacking out for no reason.)

Across the country, thousands of bridges are not safe to cross.

The trolls underneath them have guns.

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FALLING IN LOVE WITH MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR The first time I saw the preponderance of cigarette butts— at least twenty—on the patio of my new apartment, I knew I was spoken for. I imagined her coltish, hanging out her windowsill, long fingers curled around a Marlboro Black. I deduced that her skin was warm and golden—only True Autumns could pull off the shade of lipstick staining those cigarette butts. I named her Verónica.

Later I found the butts joined by two red SOLO cups and a plastic bottle filled with ash water. I laughed aloud at the sheer verve of it all. Veró is a woman who lives in a luxury residential skyscraper and yet she does not own glassware.

More items followed: a broken Dell computer monitor, a bricked cell phone, three burnt passports, the cut up remains of five different credit cards. It all felt very much like an Elizabeth Bishop poem. Who was Veró? What was she trying to tell me? Was she asking me to fix her phone, to meet her at her residence in Saint Kitts and Nevis, or to recommend a better travel rewards credit card? I dearly treasured these exchanges. I shooed away the raccoons and carefully stored her secret messages in my closet.

Nothing new the next day, or the day after. The following week I heard the sound of choppers flying overhead and armed guards in the lobby barricaded me from entering the mail room. All I remembered was that this operation got in the way of me retrieving my summer issue of The Paris Review and reading the poetry aloud in the hopes you would hear it from below. But I would later learn that you were long gone, had left without a proper goodbye.

I wondered if any of it was as real to you as it was to me. When the Feds came knocking and asked what I knew, I gave it to them straight. I said women are only all palaver and what they can get out of you.

Let’s switch it up! In this piece, every time say "a threat to national security" we mean "gay."

— Did you hear? Anna-Kate is a threat to national security.

— No way!

— Yeah! She blew up a building.

N F T

C O M I C

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INCLUSIVITY STATEMENT Here at Peanut Kid, we take Pride Month seriously, so we're shouting out some of our favorite members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Happy Belated Pride Month to ...

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE NEXT ELLEN DEGENERES?

iPod Shuffles Computer Monitors The Color Yellow Toe Rings Aunts Moss Willow Trees Bullet Journaling Locket Necklaces Jackets With Patches Anne Hathaway Crocs

If I know a single thing about James Joyce, it is that he would actually be very gratified to hear that I have masturbated to Ulysses.

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THE FIRST THREE WORDS YOU SEE DESCRIBE YOUR SUMMER 2021 ...

Emma Choi Maureen Clare LG Fadiman Emma Forbes Claire Fridkin Vivian Herbert Isabel Levin Hanna Mularczyk Olivia Oldham Emily Orr Claire Orrange Eva Rosenfeld Freddie Shanel Emily Shen Sabrina Wu

$37.02 Your total is $37.02. Would you like to donate $0.98 to giving Emily Orr giant tiddies?*

WHY NOT *We joke, but once I get these honkers, I’ll be able to do a lot.

Everyone who writes for PK is a little iffy on the whole “believing in God” thing, but riddle me this: How else can you explain such a great group of gals writing comedy together?

Claire Yoo

Copyright 2021 by the names above.

That's a fine thing to just kind of "say" right?