It’s raining men! Sally, stick your tongue out!
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Before we get started here, Peanut Kid would like to extend a sincere apology to all the mothers. Apparently, there was too much s*x in the last issue, and many moms found this offensive, disturbing, and maybe a little too hot to handle. To make up for any hard feelings, we have written a joke just for you:
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Anybody else have trouble holding their pee like they used to?
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Whew, all right. Now that that’s out of the way, welcome to Peanut Kid Issue No. 2. Love, The Editor Dear Reader, C’est la vie. As always, The Associate Editor
Who Is Peanut Kid?
Since our first issue came out, everyone’s been asking: who is this eponymous peanut kid? What are their hopes? Dreams? To that, we say Peanut Kid is an amorphous vessel upon which we, the modern reader, can project our deepest insecurities and most cherished attributes. Peanut Kid is all of us yet none of us: the nerd, the princess, the jock, the basketcase, the criminal, his mom, her mom, and the entire population of Jersey City. The only thing we can say for sure, though, is that Peanut Kid’s sister is acclaimed human rights lawyer and International Criminal Court representative Amal Clooney. Peanut Kid’s childhood is all of our childhoods—full of Crayola crayons, kindergarten finger paintings, her sister (Amal Clooney) having represented the state of Cambodia and the Libyan intelligence chief Abdullah al-Senussi. We wanted the character to cross boundaries of race and gender, as Amal Clooney did when she defended Azerbaijani journalist Khadija Ismayilova at the European Court of Human Rights. When Peanut Kid cries, we cry, and when Peanut Kid graduates, Amal Clooney shows up, even though she honestly had a lot of other stuff going on at the time. Are you there, God? It’s me, magazine. You owe me $40.
New York Times, September 17, 2033 - MEDIA GIANT PEANUT KID FACING OUTPOURING OF STORIES ALLEGING ITS EXECUTIVES ARE HETEROPHOBIC
STATE
CHAMPIONSHIP - Jimmy, I just don’t think you want to win this state championship enough. I heard Tommy McCarthy is out there practicing 4 hours a day. - Wait really? I heard Tommy McCarthy got hit by a bus. I’m so relieved to hear this.
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- Watch out, asshole! - Thanks for the heads up, I just narrowly missed that asshole!
movie
plot
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- She was girl, he was a boy, can I make it any more obvious? - Yes. There’s no way that’s the whole plot of A Walk to Remember.
DISPATCHES FROM THE JOKE MULTIVERSE ... Death in the Knock Knock Joke Universe: - Knock knock! - Who’s there? - It’s me, a lieutenant in the U.S. Army. I’m afraid I have some bad news about your son.
Orphan in the Yo’ Mama Universe: Uh, is this a joke?
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Sometimes I get jealous of all the other jokes living in better joke universes. You see, I live in the Chicken Crossed the Road universe, which doesn’t have a very good public school system. How to Tell If You Are in a Real Universe or a Joke Universe:
- The Walking Into a Bar Test™! If anything funny happens at any point in your life after you walk into a bar, you are in a joke universe.
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In all the joke universes except for one, God is a Woman.
The best part of writing for Peanut Kid is that when I hit five good jokes on my punch card, the magazine will fully fund my lobotomy.
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God in an Icebreaker Circle
Hey everybody. I am the Lord God. My pronouns are He/Him, capitalized. I’m an omnipresence at the Kingdom of Earth. Uhh, what’s next? Oh yeah, what I’m most looking forward to … Uh, I guess I’d say I’m pretty excited for the hour of trial that is soon going to descend upon the wretched of Earth.
one lobotomy
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I might not have been Prom Queen, but at least got to have a little taste of it when I licked Lucy Petersmeyer right after she won last spring.
God: No way, we have the same name! Natasha Lyonne: You’re kidding!
B I R T H D A Y
G I F T
Mom: Now, Jessica, Sarah just got you a really nice gift for your birthday. What do you say to Sarah? Jessica: Under capitalism, man exploits man. Shame on you, Sarah.
So ... my fun fact is that evolution is actually real.
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If straights can use “partner” then I can use “ol’ ball and chain.” It’s only fair.
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- Is this the support group for troubled child stars? - Yeah, sit down, have a Shirley Temple.
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M A T E R I A L
Sometimes I get down on myself for not being well-suited to the workplace, but I feel better knowing that, at very least, I am perfect wife material. Such is the life of a soft calico fabric ragdoll.
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virginity to a dildo, part of live within its silicone walls.
At the end of the day, no one gets out of Life Alive. They lock up at 8 pm and they are very quiet about it.
Cold, unmarried pirate: Shiver me Tinder.
Frank Ocean: I’m an ocean. Dishonest Ocean: Uh ... I’m a lake.
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Me being a debutante queen has nothing to do with fancy dresses or jewels and everything to do with my hate for other women.
Worst bachelor party I’ve ever been to? We got one of those hot nurse strippers, but she had to leave midway through her dance to help out on the front lines.
The way to a girl’s heart E requires first removing the A Build-A-Bear sound box that R was inserted at birth. T
Rejected Hallmark Mother’s Day Card: Thanks for telling me
I would die if I went to bed with a wet head. It worked!
ld hou , s you a kid d l e o r t u wer you e v d o e n y u e hen ts fo wer w u ul er yo awy se ad If l u a eca be b s it’ ying. o ann
- Mom, Susie is self-actualizing again! And it’s annoying me! - Nuh-uh! Lucy, no fair! You started Becoming first!
Can I still say I only fuck athletes if the guy I’m seeing does improv? Technically he’s on a team.
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Gay girls either walked the mile in gym class or ran it in 4:02, there’s no in between.
- Uh, yeah I bring a U-Haul on the second date. To pancake her and steal her identity. Why else do you think we all try so hard to look alike?
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* All the gay walkers are now in comedy.
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you accidentally eat Vera Bradley textiles, you shit out a page from best-selling book White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo.
Where are all the female dentists? It is no surprise that at some point throughout a young girl’s childhood, she will dream of one day becoming a dentist. In fact, 84% of girls report having teeth themselves. But why do we so rarely see this dream come to fruition? For starters, by the time girls reach adolescence, they will discover a plethora of other industries which tickle their fancy, such as automotives, forestry, and podiatry. It is, as one would expect, hard to maintain a starry-eyed zeal for enamel in the face of pitted keratolysis. More importantly, though, is that many of these young, beautiful aspiring dentists grow up bombarded with societal standards and expectations which dictate what a female dentist should and should not do. Men are able to look up to lauded figures in the world of dentistry such as Bill Dorfman, but where are the female dental role models? And in a world where female dentists are expected to stay at home and take care of the children’s teeth, while their male counterparts are free to take care of whoever’s teeth they like, why would women choose to wield the sickle probe? Let’s not forget that female dentists only receive 0.5 gold crown teeth to the white male dentist’s dollar. The Bimbo revolution will not be on Barstool Sports. The Bimbo Revolution will be on Instagram Live.
A SIX-YEAR-OLD
CHOOSES AN ICE CREAM FLAVOR First things first, let’s eliminate anything that doesn’t sound like ice cream. Pomegranate Sorbet. Nope. Rainbow Sherbert. What the fuck does “rainbow” taste like? Coffee. Nice try, that’s a drink. Pumpkin. Nice try, that’s a baby Jack-O-Lantern. Okay, now I’ve narrowed it down to 64. Ben & Jerry’s Empower Mint? Unfortunately, I’m allergic to corporate activism and milk. Ben & Jerry’s Oppression Mint? The milk thing again. Count Chocula’s Revenge? Not after last time, thank you. Moose Tracks? Is there meat in that? Rum Raisin? Nah, I’m more of a gin guy myself. But wait, what’s this? It’s … perfect. Moooom, can I have a vanilla? Think of a random noun. Right now. Crazy enough, that thing is indeed on a coffee mug design somewhere.
Strategist at Media Hivemind Headquarters, August 10, 2020, 22:06 EST: tower critique of ivory tower meritocracy, in 3 ... 2 ...
Launching an ivory
Who’s to say anything anymore, really? Oh what’s that? I am? Well, I’ll be damned.
the was s a w at ar e th c r his befo g n g eyi thin k me ery o, . Ev n no y. raw No t st epla Hey, did you r las t fo hear the one jus about the — oh, you’ve got headphones in? Trust me, if he’s not texting back it’s Okay, sorry. because they finally caught his Ford Bronco.
You have no idea who you’re messing with ... I was the 2016 Father Daughter Dance Queen.
Barstool Sports, September 24,
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2033 - THE BIMBO REVOLUTION TO BE STREAMED ON INSTAGRAM LIVE
B i m b o
The Bimbo Freeworld is a utopian community that exists in the universe where David Portnoy dies and Anonymous destroys Barstool Sports and replaces that sector of the market with more upcycled handmade lingerie. “Sex,” “Gender,” and “Femininity” have become obsolete and now are words that signify sizing for lavender lattes. Everybody gets free roller-skating lessons and lipstick kisses on their cheeks each morning as they head to their shift at Slut Depot, a flourishing center for daycare, medical assistance, and tutoring. Nobody gives a fuck about The Great Gatsby, but everyone cares a lot about hedgehogs. The toilet water is made of Mario Badescu facial spray with aloe, and everybody has the tits they want. Neighborhoods gather around a fire each night and say their Rose-BudThorns before joining hands and singing “Cranes in the Sky” by Solange together.
F r e e w o r l d
The Academy Awards If I Were Rightly Named a Member of the Academy and Were Allowed to Vote: And for the seventh year in a row, Like Mike takes Best Picture! - How many other women have you been “assisting,” Clippy?
C NSPIRACY THE RIES 4 GIRLZ Disappearance of Amelia Earhart
Legend has it that Amelia Earhart was carrying an extremely large shipment of Sunday Riley A+ High-Dose Retinoid Serum from Papua New Guinea to Hawai’i. The Sunday Riley A+ High-Dose Retinoid Serum exploded during a bout of turbulence—and the rest is history. This was obviously very sad, but on the bright side, there’s honestly, like, no better advertisement for Sunday Riley A+ High-Dose Retinoid Serum’s capability to disappear those pesky dark spots than the fact that it once literally wiped a woman off the face of the earth, never to be seen again! Maybe we would still be in the Garden of Eden today if that hungry hippo Eve hadn’t broken her diet. Actually, unlike humans, baby oats get weaned off of oat milk very quickly.
Overheard in the Peanut Kid Writer’s Room: What’s that movie that came out a while ago about the Girl Scouts and Melissa McCarthy? Moonrise Kingdom?
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The first mistake made by the Boy Scouts of Boy Scout Troop 45 was a failure to anticipate battle. They were complacent at their folding table, their overpriced and under-spiced popcorn rattling in its tins as cars drove past. “Popcorn,” they shouted in their shrill adolescent voices, “overpriced and under-spiced popcorn!” What they couldn’t hear was the Girl Scouts, who had formed a phalanx at the western end of the lot and were rapidly approaching in complete silence. Of course, the silence was a function of distance. They were actually being pretty loud if you were close to them. At the front of the phalanx was Mindy O., leader by virtue of having stayed back a year and become the biggest girl in the second grade. She stayed back not for academic reasons, but so that she could become the biggest girl in the second grade. And at the back of the phalanx was Frankie T., brains of the operation, dragging a wheelbarrow filled with cookies behind her. Between them were fifteen little girls’ worth of cannon fodder—Frankie’s words, not theirs. They giggled, chanted, clapped in time with one another. Except Mindy, who never smiled.
The Boy Scouts didn’t stand a chance against the Girl Scouts as they stormed the Walmart parking lot. Popcorn flew everywhere. There was screaming. But the Girl Scouts never broke formation. When they wavered, Mindy stepped in: “Focus, men!” The girls did. Swirling clouds of dust. Frankie tagged Jimmy J., leaving him frozen in the path of an oncoming SUV. Amelia B. bit Johnny Q. on the arm, drawing twin droplets of blood. “It’s fucking tag, Amelia!” A hot wind from the south. Mikey O., Mindy’s brother, is the last Cub Scout to be frozen. There is no one left to save him. A guttural scream. Now Lee N. of Boy Scout Troop 45 waves a white kerchief overhead in surrender. The Girl Scouts claimed the table as their own. A mother’s voice in the distance: “Having fun, kids?” A brief pause in the tumult. All together: “Yes, mom!” They never did figure out whose mom that was.
Girl Scout Hierarchy
Girl Scout of the Month
We are proud to introduce Caroline Mae, our Girl Scout of the Month. Caroline demonstrated her courage, confidence, and character during last week’s Annual Car Wash for Charity. Caroline was diligently washing her assigned vehicle when she discovered two molars and an incisor in the trunk. It was later discovered that the vehicle was the getaway vehicle in last year’s infamous Twin Cities Triple Homicide. Caroline exercised her moral virtues and immediately turned in her mother to the police, receiving a Making Touch Choices Patch. Way to go, Caroline! You are an inspiration to little girls everywhere.
Daddy’s Little Girl Ambassador Freemason* Senior Hell-Inspired Artist** Personal Injury Lawyer*** CS50 CA Cadette French Girl Scout P.E. Teacher*** Junior Dionysus* Brownie Editorial Assistant Eagle Scout Moth** Toad* CEO of Girl Scouts of America* Daisy
French Girl Scout: What do you mean the berets are just part of the uniform?
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Hey girls, before we get ready for bed tonight, I’d like to have a group discussion of some of the scuttlebutt I’ve been hearing around the cabin. Where is Callie? you’re probably asking. I haven’t seen her since fishing lessons. Is she in the clinic because she has heatstroke? Did she find the other three missing campers and escape with them? Did she really not like the camp lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup, so she snuck into the mess hall to prepare herself her favorite snack, beef bourguignon, but the head chef was there and felt really threatened, so he challenged her to a smackdown, à la Beat Bobby Flay, and Callie won the first round but lost in the finals because she failed to make the * Refers to secret level. ingredient the real star of the dish, so she was sent ** Super secret level. home? Sadly, as nice as these all sound, they are not *** Not secret. true. The truth is, Callie had a very sudden allergic TERF-y. French. reaction to a bee sting and she is going to be in the D.S. al Coda hospital for a very long time. That being said, we’ll Coda all tune in on Thursday to watch her face down Kevin.
Spooky
Dead
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Things were first set into motion back in 1941. Late one night, as the girls huddled around the campfire sharing ghost stories, Stephanie Turner predicted that Molly Buster would be the first of them to die. And believe it or not, she was found dead. Eighty years later, of natural causes.
Boy Sco uts can receive this patch by being allies to girl s in compute r s cience. Girls a re inel igible.
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Girls must undergo emergency surgery and be pronounced legally dead for 2-5 minutes. In that time, they must see God and know Him. V e t h n a atc l i eP g i tic s Ju
Girls must assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. This was last awarded to Hailey T. of Butte, Montana, in 1914.
Awarded posthumously to girls who are not recognized for their art in life.
and Arts Crafts Patch
* If
A Brief History of the Girl Scouts of America 1945 1991 2001 2009
beginning of the Cold War end of the Cold War Great Cookie Famine
Girl Scouts of America accepts first female member
2010
change to bylaws deemed unconstitutional
2010
CookieClicker.com launches
2011
seminal case Janice Roberts vs. Girl Scouts of America
2012
women definitely allowed to become Girl Scouts this time
2012 2017
invention of cookies
2017 2018 2018
Great Cookie Fire
Do-Si-Dos launch OnlyFans account Great Cookie Blight
plague of locusts descends on cookie warehouse in Louisburg
2018
Caramel deLite slouches toward Bethlehem
2018 car
Maggie’s stepmom gets a
2019
Tagalongs change name to “Peanut Butter Cookies”
2019
Thin Mints change name to “All-Bodies-Are-Beautiful Mints”
2019
Janice Roberts wins Gold Award for busting Jeffrey Epstein
2020
Maggie’s stepmom in car accident; not her car
2020
you die in the Girl Scout Universe, you die in real life.
Troop Leader Amy Beth As long as there has been a Troop 57, there has been a Troop Leader Amy Beth. She is a sparkling example of the diverse community of women and girls that make up Girl Scouts of America: while all the other Troop Leaders have a B.A. in Childhood Development from Appalachian State University, Troop Leader Amy Beth died in 1889, long before any of them were born! Her eyes are as black as obsidian and she speaks in tongues. We are giving her a shoutout this week for eating a raccoon off the side of the road so that the rest of Troop 57 wouldn’t have to. We love you, Troop Leader Amy Beth!
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Sarah Jean and Linda have been rivals for as long as anyone can remember, which is only a few years given that they are fourthgraders. It all started when Sarah Jean sold more cookies than Linda back when they were were Daisies, but things got a lot worse when Sarah Jean’s dad cheated on her mom with Linda’s mom. Actually, the girls didn’t mind that too much. It was mostly the cookie thing.
Trefoil change name to “Soft Crackers”
French Girl Scout: What do you mean cigarettes start forest fires?
P o s t g r a d P l a n s
- I’m here to enroll in the service. - Ma’am, this is a Girl Scouts registration forum. - Like I said, I’m prepared to die.
He was like a god among men, so slightly taller than all the other men.
A S M R w i t h A N N I E !
Maureen Clare Courtney DeLong LG Fadiman Kalia Firester Emma Forbes Claire Fridkin Vivian Herbert Hanna Mularczyk Olivia Oldham Emily Orr Eva Rosenfeld Freddie Shanel Emily Shen Sabrina Wu
MUKBANG with ANNIE!
Copyright 2020 by the names listed above. We don’t have to pay for that, do we?
The only reason fathers stay active in their children’s lives is to say “Ya, I guess that looks fine. Is it some kind of shirt? Short? Is it a skort?” and “I wish you could have seen what SNL was like in the 70s.” Excuse me, but why are they called Lazy Susans when actually, Susan got a full ride to study finance at Notre Dame, and her older brother Matt is the real burnout?
Review of Normal People
Personally, I would really call into question the extent to which someone truly loved me if they were that easily talked into leaving the country to pursue a creative writing MFA. I’m not unreasonable; I would obviously make an exception for Iowa. Michigan perhaps, but only for fiction. I think folks in MFA programs really just don’t experiment satisfactorily enough with form. My mom sat me down for the talk and did not give me the talk, instead leaving me there for several years. We’re Catholic.