April 2013 | Your community humour magazine | issue 151
Rev. James Kim, Mount Calvary Lutheran Story on P28 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Harry Walker: A Musical Legend P15
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Dave Coulier
played to a “Full House” at Lafflines Comedy Club
P16
2
April 2013 HE DOESN’T LIKE HIS RELATIVES A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
THE ALTER BOY’S CONFESSION “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey
SS D MI
A
ION
.00
$3
Pagano?” “Yes, Father, it is.”
REE F 2 R1 NDE U S KID
“And who was the girl you were with?” “I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Nina Capelli?” “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Cathy Piriano?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.” Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
THEIR 35TH ANNIVERSARY Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The
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April 2013
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby fairy waved her wand and poof… the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next,
“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10.”
the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
“Good. What comes after three?”
He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger
“Four,” answers the boy.
than me.” So the fairy picked up her wand and
“What comes after six?”
poof… the husband was 90.
“Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…
DADDY TAUGHT ME LOTS
dad did a good job. Now… so what comes
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows
after… lets say ten?”
his 1 to 10 well.
C O O W T I K W I H A R R Y P
N H L K L R R A P U W P T S O
M O J L A G R O O V E Y A R D
W G S S Y T N G H U O C T A A
G H H D T W U L J S T U U M M
Y I T H R B O K F C U P R P L
N J G G W A D O M R N A O Q N
Y I T S A S H S D W E P U Q U
N Q A S L M S C O B T D J P E
Q W B E K H L Y I J O L D M N
L L I B E X R S U R R W W Y H
S V R H R R T M C G A P L M U
O B G S A A I J S Q C C G W R
J D M L N P S E V I F I H A X
A G NT
H Z A C R P U F T N Q O T G G
“A jack.”
CHRIS
WORD
BILL CAROTENUTO FREDDY GROOVEYARD HARRY HIFIVES HOLLYWOODBOWL KRASHIN LARRY NIGHTTRAIN PAPUC RICHARDSON SHORI STAN TABI WALKER
SEARCH
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April 2013
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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TEL: 778.829.8864
email: Hector.Bremner@BCLiberals.com
@HectorDBremner facebook.com/Hector.4.NewWest
The Massey to see Get your tickets at a!”
om R C M Theatre’s “Oklah APRIL 11–27
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
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THE JOY OF BEING A TEACHER Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
April 2013 ARIES: This month your attracting money. However, your also spending to much. Keep your finances in check.
TAURUS: Your giving off fantastic energy this month. If your able to get away and have fun, do so. GEMINI: Communication is a high priority for you this month. Think before you speak out. CANCER: Past dreams and wishes are able to come true this month. Watch what you wish for.
LEO: You’ve got energy this month! A good time to get things done and organized. VIRGO: Do you feel like you’ve made the wrong impression recently? Take some alone time to figure things out this month.
LIBRA: Relationships with others are intense this month. You will learn a great deal from others this month. SCORPIO: This month you create balance in all relationships. Your giving off the right energy and people are attracted to you. SAGITTARIUS: A good month to discuss all agreements with others. Employers are eager to listen to your ideas.
CAPRICORN: Love relationships go well for you this month. Plan for some fun at this time.
AQUARIUS: Thinking of home renovations? This is a good time to make your home beautiful and comfortable.
PISCES: Communications go smoothly for you this month. Share your ideas with others this month.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ‘em today.” Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.” She’ll be eligible for parole in three years.
JAR NUMBER 43 A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to
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April 2013
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this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?” The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.” Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells. “I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!” Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…” Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
TIME FLYS Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. “How did you do that,” asks one of his friends. “My watch is 30 minutes slow.”
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Masterpiece
© Candice James, Poet Laureate God dipped his paint brush into Angel wings and rainbow strings; Splashed it against Earth’s canvas. He formed his fingertips Into golden chisels; Sculpted the landscape With treetops and parks, Adorned with bright fl owers To whet our eyes; Pathways and fields, Alive with lush green grass To kiss our feet. He placed the side of his hand On the shifting clay canvas And created the Fraser River Valley. The sweat from his brow Filled the basin with water To wash the shores clean. He sighed, reached into himself, And in one great action Threw his magic outward; Diamonding the sky; Dusting the horizon; Kissing the water; Touching the moon, With the tip of his silver sword, To light our darkest night. He stepped back; Rested; Looked at this painting He created, with the muscle and bone Of his longsuffering love, And was well satisfied. We call this masterpiece, New Westminster. Candice James is the Poet Laureate of The Cit y Of New Westminster, Past President of the Federation of BC Writers, and the recipient of Writers International Network’s Distinguished Poet Award 2013. She is the Author of 4 poetry books. Her most recent book “Midnight Embers — A Book of Sonnets” published by Libros Libertad 2012 has been nominated for the Griffin Award for Excellence in Poetry 2013.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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April 2013
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April 2013
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SPRING CLEANING FOR YOUR MIND, BODY & SOUL Saturday, April 13, 2013 11:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. River Market at Westminster Quay www.rivermarket.ca
BURNABY / NEW WESTMINSTER NEWCOMERS FRIENDSHIP CLUB
For dinners, coffees, bridge, crafts, walking, book club, wellness group and more! Develop Friendships and learn more about your area.
A new and exciting interactive event, showcasing New Westminster businesses, community organizations, groups and clubs promoting health and wellness for all ages! Everyone welcome, free admission! Zhoosh — Fitness by Design, Sonja Curry Design Inc. and Heidi Clarkson — members of New West b2b NOW (Network of Women) — are very proud to present this premiere event. River Market and Fresh Magazine are two of our major sponsors and we thank them for their support! First 100 attending will receive a gift bag filled with surprises. Raffl e proceeds will be donated to the Canadian Cancer Society — BC & Yukon. The Canadian Cancer Society fi ghts cancer by doing everything it can to prevent cancer, save lives and support people living with cancer. Join the fight! Contact Heidi Clarkson, 604-525-2631 springcleaningnewwest@gmail.com www.facebook.com/pages/Spring-Cleaning-for-your-Mind-BodySoul/468635583205930
Email: ldomeij688@gmail.com or phone 604-294-6913 between the hours of 10:00 a.m. – 8:00 p.m. www.burnabynewwestminsternewcomers.com
AMMARA DANCE STUDIO OPEN HOUSE April 20, 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. 40 Sixth St, New Westminster
Ammara Dance Co. is 5 years young this spring, and to celebrate, we're offering you an entire day of FREE classes! Open to anyone over the age of 16, no previous experience required. Classes include Yoga, Salsa, Belly Dance, Capoeira and more! All classes are 45 mins long and are by donation — all proceeds go to the Elizabeth Fry Society of New Westminster. Bring your friends, try something new — and let us thank YOU for all your support! Please visit www.ammara.ca for full schedule and information.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED
TRANSIT VIP ASSISTANCE
Passengers who are blind or sight-impaired and have access to a cell phone or pay phone may call this dedicated telephone number to request “VIP assistance” at a particular SkyTrain station. Simply identify yourself as needing “visually impaired assistance” and tell the operator where the SkyTrain attendant can find you. Assistance for people with sight-impairment includes:
The New Westminster Police Department is looking to recruit Crime Prevention volunteers who are trustworthy and dedicated to join our team. This is a great volunteer opportunity if you are considering a career in law enforcement or want to give back to your community. If you are interested in applying, please call 604-529-2446 or visit http://www.nwpolice.org for more information. Applications will be accepted until April 7, 2013
• sighted guide assistance to enter a station or upon arrival at a station • directions • emergencies • access to the locked washrooms For Expo and Millennium Lines: call 604-520-5518 For Canada Line: call 604-247-5703
CENTURY HOUSE THRIFT SALE
issues of Pick-up back at Imperial Ph
armacy
April 13, 2013, 10:30 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. 620 Eight St, New Westminster
The Century House Association Thrift Sale is an excellent opportunity to pick up some great bargains in appliances, jewelry, clothing, kitchenware, books, plants and more.
“AS A COMMUNITY SERVICE, WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO NO PRODUCTS.” — RIDA BAZZI TOBACCO
MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM | SUN 9AM – 3PM
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April 2013
DAFFY DEFINITIONS
• Relief ree-leef’: what trees do in the spring.
• Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter: A cook that
• Rubberneck rub’-er-nek: what you do to
leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. • Avoidable uh-voy’-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
relax your wife. • Seamstress seem’-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
• Baloney buh-lo’-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
• Selfish sel’-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
• Bernadette burn’-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
• Subdued sub-dood’: a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
• Burglarize bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
• Sudafed sood’-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
• Control kon-trol’: A short, ugly inmate. • Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. • Eclipse i-klips’: what an English barber does for a living.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COWORKER IS A HACKER 1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
• Eyedropper i’-drop-ur: a clumsy
2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
ophthalmologist. • Heroes hee’-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. • Left Bank left’ bangk’: what the robber did
3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office
when his bag was full of loot. • Misty mis’-tee: How golfers create divots. • Paradox par’-u-doks: two physicians. • Parasites par’-uh-sites: what you see from
LAN goes down. 5. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 6. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during
the top of the Eiffel Tower. • Pharmacist farm’-uh-sist: a helper on the
the movie “The Net” 7. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-
farm. • Polarize po’-lur-ize: what penguins in
cent increments. 8. Video dating profile lists “public-key
Antarctica see. • Primate pri’-mat: removing your spouse from
encryption” among turn-ons
in front of the TV.
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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9. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.” 10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”
and it would cost $60” “that’s still to expensive,” said the man “if I don’t use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20”. Still to much” said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10”
I’M SCARED MOMMY One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small
said the dentist. “Perfect,” said the man. “Book my wife for next Tuesday”.
boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” The little boy replied with a shaking voice, “The big sissy.”
A BETTER OPTION A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-
TIME TO GET A NEW HUSBAND A man went into a dentist and said “how
spoken, and is good to the children.” The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband
much will it cost to have teeth taken out”
is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,
“$90” said the dentist “that’s ridiculous”
and is mean to your children.” The wife replied,
said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic
“Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
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April 2013 WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.” 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.” 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your
Open Monday to Saturday
neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
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7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.” 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
Open 7 days a week!
9. My mother taught me about
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?” continued…
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
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April 2013
Completion:
13
Spring 2013
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April 2013
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
16. My mother taught me about
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is
ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get
gone.”
home.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado
“You are going to get it when you get
went through it.”
home.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes,
times. Don’t exaggerate!”
they are going to freeze that way.”
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your
OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world,
sweater on; don’t you think I know when
and I can take you out.”
you are cold?”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When
MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your
that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t
father.”
come running to me.”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME
are millions of less fortunate children
AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your
in this world who don’t have wonderful
vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
parents like you do.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.” 23. My mother taught me ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
born in a barn?” 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” 25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.” How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
HIS BMW While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!” “Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 30.
the license plate number!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
15
Harry Walker:
Musical Legend
by Jack Loftus
M
usic has had a home in New Westminster for a lot of years and Harry Walker has been a part of that scene for over a half a century. His musical presence is still entertaining audiences at the Wednesday Night Jam at the fabulous Columbia Theatre in New Westminster, along with Royal City rocker Sean Garrett. Harry’s music has graced historical musical venues such as The Smiling Buddha, The New Delhi, The Hollywood Bowl and The Blues Palace, where he once headlined with Ike and Tina Turner. He was with the Hi Fives from 1955 to 1964, with Freddy Carotenuto, Larry Krashin, Bill Papuc, Stan Richardson and Tabi Shori. Harry and his bands have had huge successes throughout his career. Great songs such as Fujikami The Warrior, Cold Wind and Mean Old Woman filled the air in those popular haunts in the hey days of rhythm and blues. Harry has thrilled audiences with his smooth melodic tones for decades and has shared the stage with musical legends like Etta James, Jimmy Hendricks,Tina Turner and Tommy Chong. His appearances with The Night Train Review thrilled fans at numerous venues. Harry has a style and grace that pulls you into his vibe and puts you
in a place where his music soothes your soul and makes your body sway. His music is timeless and for old R&B fans Harry Walker is a nostalgic trip down memory lane to the golden days of Rhythm and Blues. For those of us who frequented the Hollywood Bowl and the Grooveyard and remember the amazing R&B bands of that era, we heard the great vocals and the wail of the saxophone that made the hair on the backs of our necks stand up. Experience this again at music’s new home at the prestigious Columbia Theatre and treat yourself to those sweet sounds, in the finest acoustic environment on the coast. Along with good food, drinks, dancing and great times. Want to join in? Bring your instruments and get up and play. FREE ADMISSION. JAM WEDNESDAY NIGHT 7:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. SUNDAY BLUES REVIEW 5:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. 530 Columbia Street, New Westminster (across from Columbia SkyTrain Station) Phone: 604-313-9060 Email: jackcan@hotmail.com
SEE YOU AT THE COLUMBIA!
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April 2013
Back Stage
with The Sargents
DANGER! GASOLINE Facts you should know to prevent explosion and fire from gasoline vapours. Gasoline can be more dangerous than dynamite because it emits invisible, explosive vapours that ignite easily, even at low temperatures. Vapour from gasoline is also heavier than air and so travels close to the floor where it can easily come into contact with sparks from electric motors, water heaters, furnace motors and switches. Sparks or open flames can ignite vapours a great distance from their source. By law, gasoline must be stored in safety containers which have been approved by a nationally recognized and certified agency. Approved containers display these labels prominently. However, care must be taken even though these containers are designed to prevent spillage. Minor gasoline spills should be cleaned up immediately. Anyone using or storing gasoline should keep an appropriate Class B fire extinguisher nearby since it is designed to extinguish gasoline or other flammable liquid fires. • NEVER store gasoline in basements, pits or other confined areas. Gasoline must be stored in areas that are well-ventilated, free from ignition sources and in areas permitted by the National Fire Code of Canada. • NEVER store or transport gasoline in glass, in metal cans with plastic parts or in plastic containers which have not been approved for these uses. • NEVER smoke while you are handling gasoline or other flammable liquids. • NEVER use gasoline to start your barbecue or as a cleaner or solvent.
In case of major spills — get out and stay out! • • • •
Clear people from the area immediately. Open exterior doors and windows to ventilate the area. Call the fire department from a neighbour’s phone. Do not operate light switches, electrical appliances or any other source of sparks. • Don’t light matches or lighters, and extinguish cigarettes immediately. • Do not re-enter the area until the hazard has been eliminated.
Call your local fire department if you have questions concerning the safe storage and use of gasoline. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
F
or three nights last month, well know celebrity, Dave Coulier played to a “Full House” at New Westminster’s Lafflines Comedy Club. Coulier’s stand-up routine is centered on his ability to mimic celebrities and cartoon characters, a talent that has given him a second career in voice acting. Many of Coulier’s bits involve putting well-known characters into unexpected situations. Coulier’s material is largely family-friendly. His voice work includes The Jetsons, Scooby and Scrappy-Doo, Muppet Babies, Farce of the Penquins, Bob and Doug, and Robot Chicken. Some of his other TV and movie work includes, Things Are Tough All Over, Out of Control, The
The aim of the Canadian Club is to foster throughout Canada, an interest in all matters of public concern. To protect our heritage and history. To encourage our unity and identity, and to increase our knowledge of other areas of our country and other countries that affect our lives.
caLL 604-520 -3889
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April 2013
17
LACROSSE Flavia and Chris Sargent backstage with Dave Coulier at the Lafflines Comedy Club.
“The Rest of the Story” BY ED GOSS AL LEWTHWAITE Another Sapperton “Prodigy”, Al excelled in all sports but Lacrosse was his true love. His name became well known at a early age from all the exposure in the Columbian Newspaper sports section. He was actually nominated 3 times over the years for Athlete of the year,which was quite the honor in the day. What was never mentioned in the day was he and buddy Ray Bennie being told they no longer were welcome back to Sapperton’s “Chopsticks”, Smörgåsbord. They left to many pile’s of chicken bones behind.
Real Ghostbusters, Uncle Joey on Full House, It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, America’s Funniest People, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, World’s Funniest Videos, The Thirteenth Year, To Tell the Truth, The Even Stevens Movie, America’s Most Talented Kid, The Surreal Life, Skating With Celebrities, Shredderman Rules!, The Grade School Game, The Family Holiday. He currently appears on the TV series, How I Met Your Mother. Lafflines Comedy Club is located in the Columbia Theatre across from the Columbia SkyTrain Station. Phone 604-525-2252 for information. Burnaby / New West
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Nicknamed “Lurch”, by yours truly, all Al ever did, at every level, was win. He truly was a rare breed of player. Duties included, checking the other Teams best scorer, usually to a stand still. Running the power play, amassing many points and being the large enforcer on a small but talented Team. Al’s accomplishments in Lacrosse are far to lengthy for my little column but we players all remember how valuable a teammate he was. A severe knee injury forced Al to retire at early age in 1978. But don’t say what he could have done,had this not happened. Look what he did. One’s history of there playing years is not all based on senior lacrosse. He played for 20 years and was in the finals 17 of those years. Coached Senior A for another 10 years, winning award for “Coach of the year”, in 1985. Was inducted into the Canadian Lacrosse hall of fame as a player in 1991. Then again inducted with the N.W. Salmonbellies Team (1968-1972) in 2004. He was a bona fide all-star hall of famer. Having a hero like General Manager and friend Doug M’cRory was fond memory. He will never forget the day at Bill and Lynn Stevenson’s cabin in the States. Sitting on the dock with Doug having a talk that still chokes him up. What was said will remain between them. Doug died shorty thereafter. My serious moment here is to say, another Jersey should be hanging from the rafters at Queen’s Park along with those great Salmonbellies up there now, #9 Al Lewthwaite
Ed Goss Associate Broker
604-644-0141 edgoss@shaw.ca • www.edgoss.com
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April 2013
Hyack Festival Association Outlines Exciting Festival Plans for 2013
T
he New Westminster Hyack Festival Association has unveiled its festival calendar for 2013 with plans to expand on new events introduced last year. The Associat ion emba rked on a major restructuring of its core festivals and events in 2012 in an effort to make the city’s major events more vibrant, contemporary and inclusive. Several events were eliminated from the schedule including FraserFest and the Easter Antique Car Parade. New events were introduced including RiverFest, Concerts on the Quay and the highly acclaimed Uptown Live street festival which followed the conclusion of the Hyack International Parade. According to Hyack Executive Director Douglas Smith, the community can expect the organization to continue on a similar path this year. “Uptown Live will be back for sure. The concert series on the boardwalk will be expanded and we will be
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
presenting a Canada Day fireworks spectacular on July 1st. We strongly believe that’s the most appropriate date for fireworks.” “We are also looking to expand festivities during the Christmas season. We would like to program regular activities at Hyack Square and other areas of the community during the month of December. The weather last year for the Christmas Parade of Lights taught us that it is dangerous to foc u s a l l you r resources on one day. Spreading the programming out makes sense, particularly with respect to the economic benefits for retail merchants.” The Hyack Festival Association has acted as the city’s arms-length event management office since 1971 producing numerous events each year including the storied Hyack Festival in May. “Over the past year, the message we have received from community stakeholders is to produce less events but ensure they are of high quality. That’s the direction we have tried to follow,” according to Mr. Smith. “Our focus has been to build individual event budgets to the level that allows us to produce a first-rate festival. Thankfully, our sponsors have supported this vision and have provided the
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church
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healing PSYCHIC FAIRandand MEDIUMSHIP HEALING 7:00–7:25 PM free MINI feature READINGS TUESDAY EVENING mediumship demonstrations, open PROGRAMS SATURDAY 7:30PM Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 30.
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April 2013
19
support necessary to achieve our goals. Our media partners provided more than $150,000 worth of promotional support last year and that really helps put New Westminster on the map regionally.” “We are very proud of the fact direct spending on Hyack events increased by $50,000 in 2012 from $160,000 to more than $210,000”, added Mr. Smith. “Last year, the City of New Westminster provided us with a grant of $140,000. In effect, we were able to leverage the City Grant very effectively without the city having to cover any staffing or administrative costs. We were able to invest the increased revenues back into the production of more appealing events. The community really benefits when the grant funding from the city is leveraged properly”, Mr. Smith concluded. “It is also very important to acknowledge the level of volunteer support we receive each year within the community. In 2012, more than 350 volunteers were involved in our events, providing over 20,000 hours of volunteer time. It is hard to put a value on that kind of commitment.”
MARRIAGE SEMINAR Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Larry and his wife Laura listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?” Larry leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
THE OLD EXPLORER Submitted by Terry Moore
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself.”
For additional information contact:
The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the
Douglas Smith, Executive Director 604-522-6894 execdirector@hyack.bc.ca
APEX’cS e i al s
same.” The old explorer said, “No, not back then… just now when I went “ROARRRR!”
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April 2013 BCLNA Member
ALL OUR SINS & GRIEFS TO BEAR An atheist was walking along through a forest admiring all that the accident of nature had
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produced. A river rippled along near the track whilst birds flew overhead. All was beautiful. Suddenly he heard a loud crashing noise behind him, and looking round, saw a large bear come out of the bushes and start to come towards him. He turned and ran but the bear closed the gap. The man suddenly tripped over a root and fell, the bear closing in, lowering one paw and raising the other to strike. In desperation the atheist cried ”Help me God!” Everything stopped. The river stopped
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flowing, the birds stopped flying and there was total silence. A light shone down onto the scene and a voice said “After all these years as an atheist you now dare to call on me for help”? The atheist replied “maybe it’s too late for me now but can you do one thing for me”?
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April 2013
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“What is that” said God? “Perhaps you could turn the bear into a Christian”, said the atheist. “Very well” said God. The river and all the other activities began again. The atheist looked at the bear who slowly lifted his left paw from the man and dropping his right paw, brought them together, and said “For what we are about to receive…”
HOLIDAYS WITH HUBBY Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER After 12 years of Liberal government, it’s time for a change. It’s time for a new government with better priorities. To grow a sustainable economy and create jobs, Adrian Dix and the BC NDP will invest in education and skills training, reduce inequality, and improve healthcare.
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22
April 2013
GARDEN RULE
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking
When weeding, the best way to make sure
around here and you should do it, because that is
you are removing a weed and not a valuable
your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
THE BEAR HUNTER
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the
Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin,
New Testament and showed him at the top of
Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon
several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS.’
found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the
DANGLY THINGS Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the
LOVE ME GENDER, LOVE ME TRUE
open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too
You may not know that many nonliving things
close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door
have a gender. For example… 1. Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they
and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this
hold everything in, but you can see right
one while I go and get another!”
through them. 2. Copiers: They are Female, because once
WHO DOES WHAT
turned off, it takes a while to warm them
Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
up again. It’s an effective reproductive
A man and his wife were having an argument
device if the right buttons are pushed,
about who should brew the coffee each
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
morning. The wife said, “You should do it
are pushed.
because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
3. Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2013
23
4. Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part. 5. Sponges: Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water. 6. Web Page: Female, because it’s always getting hit on. 7. Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8. Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9. Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around. 10. Remote Control: Female… ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
LITTLE JOHNNY Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.
WHO WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF THE 1950S BAND, “THE HIGH FIVES”?
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24
April 2013 THE NEXT THING Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
SHE COOKS A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
NEAR DEATH A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided
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God replied, “Girl, I didn’t recognize you.”
AMBITIONS An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her thenfour-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
PREGNANT When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has
“A PASSION FOR THIS COMMUNITY.”
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a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your bum?”
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April 2013
The Dearest Man in this Little Town
George Boyd Labash: 1959–2013
by Gabor Gasztonyi
G
eorge’s celebration of life service at the Columbia Bowell Chapel was a standing room only event. Barely able to find a parking space I got there just in the nick of time joining the overflow crowd in the waiting room outside the Chapel. The Church was filled with people who loved George including, one of George’s close friends, Mayor Wayne Wright, his parents and family and a whole slew of wrestlers, ex-wrestlers and promoters from the BC wrestling community, of which George was an integral part. George worked with his dad in the radiator business for many years, and later George started his own business, George’s Mobile Car Wash. Last year I interviewed George for the cover of the Piffle and caught him hand washing a huge bus in front of his shop. Even though, it was pouring rain outside and I had to cover my camera with a plastic bag, that didn’t seem to stop George and he kept on going. It was all I could do just to get him to stop and take a photograph. We had a good laugh about it afterwards. He was so proud to be on the cover of our magazine and Chris, and I were equally proud to put him there. Mayor Wayne Wright, speaking of his recent passing said, “I was out of town and received an email from the office stating that George Labash had passed away. I thought it was George’s dad, but no it was actually George himself and I was terribly sad and upset.” Commenting on today’s service he noted, “It is one of the fullest houses of remembrance I have
ever seen in this city since I have been mayor. He was just a terrific human being. Whenever he came to see me it was about helping someone else, and not about helping himself. That’s just the kind of guy George was. This is a great loss for the city of New Westminster.” George was a great wrestling fan ever since he was a kid and worked with many of the great wrestlers and promoters of a bygone era including Sandor Kovacs with whom he worked quite a bit delivering posters and helping behind the scenes during the big wrestling events held in those days, at the Arenex. A good friend, James Vilvang, a former wrestler, wrestling under the name Jim Dimitri and now a lawyer has found memories of George and noted what a quiet unassuming guy George was. George worked behind the scenes during Jim’s wrestling days, ringing the bell on many occasions in the arena. In fact, George and Jim recently had dinner at the new 6th Street Grill, only a few weeks ago. Another good friend ECCW wrestler Scotty Mac said that when he was a kid George would be in charge of security at the Coliseum and protect the wrestlers from the crowd. Scotty would try hard to get in and mingle with them, but George did his job and kept the crowd back. Now that Scotty is himself one of the stars of ECCW he worked with George at the Pensioners Hall in Sapperton and said he was an awesome guy. I am sure many of us will miss George including those of us at the Piffle. He must be looking for a wrestling match somewhere up there, and he will always be remembered as the dearest man in this end little town.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2013
27
I’M BROKE A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a welldressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.” “Go away,” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
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manure onto her hallway carpet. “Now, if this
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this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ‘cause they cut off my electricity this morning!”
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
WHAT’S THAT? Three old Marine Attendants are walking on the ferry ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second says, “No, its Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
WHY? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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28
April 2013
Mount Calvary Lutheran Church
Welcomes You
Story and Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2013
29
N
ew Westminster being a small city and historically prominent, as the first capital of our province, has always been blessed by its many churches. One of the very first Churches was St. Andrews Presbyterian, originally on Carnarvon Street. It was started by the Reverend Robert Jamieson in 1862. During the great fire of 1898, the Church sheltered and fed victims of this terrible disaster and fulfilled many of the important things that churches and Christians do for others in times of crisis. The first Lutheran Church in New Westminster, Mount Calvary was organized in 1932, and the church building itself at sixth street and seventh avenue, was completed in 1937, under the leadership of a Norwegian pastor, Rev. A. H. Haacke. Prior to building the church, Lutherans in New Westminster, held services in the chapel of a funeral home below Royal Avenue, an odd beginning for what was to become a thriving continued on page 22 Lutheran community.
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April 2013
Cov er Story
In recent years, churches have experienced falling membership, and many are now reaching out further into the community, in an effort to bring folks back and share in the Christian life. Tradition
“R” meant but, probably there was someone on the telephone building plugging a line into a huge panel when that call was made. I understand one had to be careful of eavesdropping in those days since local gossip tended to spread like wildfire. Mount Calvary, currently under “ Not only do we want to help the spiritual guidance of Rev. James people as much as possible, but Kim is embarking on a similar we also want to share the love of journey. The church is planning to Jesus Christ with them.” develop services for new Canadian immigrants, including language — Rev. James Kim and cultural training and helping people integrate more fully into our Canadian society. James and his and history are a large part of that effort because wife Misun and young daughter Hannah came it reminds us of the importance of spiritual and to Canada in 1996 from Korea and have come to traditional family values. Just looking at the Sunday understand the importance of these programs, June 20th, 1937 church bulletin which celebrated particularly here in New Westminster, where we the construction of the Mount Calvary Church, have new residents from all parts of the world. is fascinating indeed. On the back, one sees adds “Not only do we want to help people as much as for Robson Electric at 905 Fifth Avenue, Lewis possible, but we also want to share the love of Jesus and Robertson Real Estate at 48 Begbie Street, Christ with them.” James said. which would have been right across from the Rev. Kim’s first church in Churchbridge, courthouse. Their telephone number was 2157. Saskatchewan, with winter temperatures dipping Another was Edmonds Sheet Metal, who did the below minus 40 at times in the winter was a far cry heating installation for the Church. Oddly their from the temperate climate of Busan in South Korea, telephone number was 522 R 2: not sure what the where he obtained his Master’s degree in music
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
Solution from page 18
Solution from page 14
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2013
31
and music performance. He received his Masters of Divinity from Concordia. An accomplished classical pianist, James recently performed one of his favorite Franz Liszt pieces at Douglas College, for the Dr. Henry Wack Scholarship concert and 85th birthday celebration. Needless to say, it was an impressive performance and something one does not normally expect from a church minister. James dazzled the audience with his superb playing and even caught the eye of Henry Wack who stood up and began to applaud. Dr. Wack, or choir master, has been attending Mount Calvary for over forty years and is a great asset to our church. He was one of the founders of the Douglas College Music School and was at one time great friends with the late and great Canadian jazz pianist Oscar Peterson. Henry was in Hollywood working with the arranger Spud Murphy and Oscar at that time. Whenever Oscar came to play in Vancouver, Henry made a point of making a backstage visit. It is really a great asset and opportunity for people who sing in our choir be inspired by Henry’s wealth of musical knowledge. Henry wants everyone to know that we are always seeking new members who are looking to share the joy of singing in a church choir. Some of the ministerial duties are shared with retired Lutheran Pastor Dr. John Ekstedt, who
on occasion prepares and delivers some very inspirational and intellectual sermons. I always look forward to them. John also taught at Simon Fraser as a criminologist and has done missionary work around the world with his lovely wife Kay. He is also the author of several books. When I interviewed Rev. Kim I was amazed to learn that not only was he an accomplished pianist but an avid model airplane builder and he especially liked the F16 fighter and the modern Russian jet fighter, as well. “Well you know I can’t take a photo of you in front of the altar with a jet fighter in hand,” I said. “Ah, go ahead. I think it’s fine.” James replied. James struck me as a very humble individual and very much a traditionalist. He keeps vespers regularly and believes strongly in the power of prayer. During vespers, he prays for each and every member of his congregation and prays that they receive the power and grace of Jesus Christ. “Through the Word and through the sacraments,” James says, “…One is able to achieve a better quality of life, and handle life’s problems in a better way.” I hope one day you might find time to drop in at Mount Calvary. Services are Sundays at 11:00 am. Reverend James and John and Choir Master Henry Wack and many others would be overjoyed end to see you.
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Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
Harry Walker
OFFICE & RETAIL PACKAGE FUTURES Contents coverage from $10,000 & up including: • All risk coverage • Replacement cost including increased cost due by-law • Valuable papers & records $5,000 • Peak season endorsement 25% stock increase • Crime $2,500
• Property in transit $5,000 • Extra expense $5,000 • Business interruptionactual loss sustained (NO LIMIT) • Liability $2,000,000 • Fire fighting expense $5,000 • Debris removal $5,000
Complete Coverage starting at $600 Beverley Whitelaw CAIB, CIP Associate Insurance & Financial Advisor Office Cel Fax
604-525-6633 604-209-1562 604-525-2363
Ask me about information on Mortgage Insurance, Group Benefits and Business Insurance, RRSP or TFSA.
beverley_whitelaw@cooperators.ca 607 Sixth Street, New Westminster Referrals always welcome!
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
10% OFF for pick-up orders over $15.00
FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays