WiL
Hans & Terry
Ray Bonneville
June 2013 | Your community humour magazine | issue 153
Concerts on the Quay Story P18
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
P13
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
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GOOD TIMES, GOOD FOOD WITH DAD! ~
SUNDAY, JUNE 16
Piffle Index Cover Story Concerts on The Quay Back for Another Summer on the Boardwalk ����������������������������������������������������������������18, 19
Editorial Horoscopes by Liza ������������������������������������������������������������������������10 The 42nd Annual Hyack Festival Concludes on a High Note! ��������������������������������������������������������������������16, 17 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page ����������������������������������������������9 New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services �������������������������������������17 Poet’s Corner with Candice James ��������������������������������������������������6
June 2013 DAD SHOULD HAVE LISTENED “Dad, are bugs good to eat,” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Piffle Magazine Subscription Form �����������������������������������������������30 Uptown Live Draws 25,000 to 6th and 6th for Huge Street Party ����������������������������������������������������������12, 13
Glenn Jones Funny Bones �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Meet the Jones’ ������������������������������������������������������������������������������18 The Visitor ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������22
Piffle Fun! Chris Sargent Word Search ��������������������������������������������������������������3 Circle Quirk Maze ���������������������������������������������������������������������������31 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �����������������������������������������������������������������13 Math Madness ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������14 Number Blocks �������������������������������������������������������������������������������14 Piffle Quiz ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������23
Advertisers BAAS Executive Offices ������������������������������������������������������������������23 Betty McIntosh, Councillor ��������������������������������������������������������������5 Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators �����������������������������������������28
TIGERS A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…” “Yes, son,” the father asked, ready to console him. “…Which bus would I take home?”
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER
Burnaby Square Prescriptions ���������������������������������������������������������5
You met him in prison.
Chan’s Garden ����������������������������������������������������������������������������1, 28
During your initial consultation he tries to
Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel ��������������������������������������������������29 Columbia Theatre ��������������������������������������������������������������������������29 Computer Swap Meet and Collectable Fair �����������������������������������15 Concerts on the Quay ���������������������������������������������������������������������32 Crown Manor Yard Sale ������������������������������������������������������������������10 Dahong Pilipino Business Directory ���������������������������������������������26 Dunwood Place ������������������������������������������������������������������������������24 E.R. Computers ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������3 Fin Donnelly, MP ������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Gabor Gasztonyi Photography �������������������������������������������������������11 G.I. Gracey Notary Corp. ����������������������������������������������������������������24 Imperial Pharmacy �����������������������������������������������������������������������1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon ��������������������������������������������������������������������������16 Mac Seniors ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������5
sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duckgoose.” During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
New West Artists �����������������������������������������������������������������������������7
He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club �����������������������������������������5
A prison guard is shaving your head.
New Westminster Parks, Culture & Recreation �����������������������������21 The City of New Westminster ��������������������������������������������������������25 OK Tire �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������28 One Source Production ������������������������������������������������������������������24 Patti’s Hair Salon ���������������������������������������������������������������������������24 Peter Julian, MP �������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar ���������������������������������������������������20 The River’s Reach Pub ����������������������������������������������������������������������1 Sarah Johnson Landscaping �����������������������������������������������������������20 Simple Hearing Solutions ��������������������������������������������������������������20 Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church ����������������������������������10 Uptown Furnishings �����������������������������������������������������������������������29 Waffle House ������������������������������������������������������������������������������5, 16 West End Medicine Centre ���������������������������������������������������������1, 29 Westminster Carwash Ltd. �������������������������������������������������������������20
Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”
June 2013
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
Just before trial starts he whispers, “The
He giggles every time he hears the word
judge is the one with the little hammer,
“briefs.”
right?”
THE BOILING POINT
Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
The sign in front of his law office reads
Science student: When my father sees my
“Practicing Law Since 2:25.”
Q T J A P A P U J Y E S Y E X
N E Y S S Z W H B O M N V Q P
U I T N C U P U F L B A I K K
B O N N E V I L L E N H K N W
C W S Q A Z W K E S K W W I L
W E R E T K A U Q K U X V S V
M P P W L O Q I V L F S L S P
I O B D F I C S W V K F E E W
H K U A N L M I O J V U I E C
Q Z H I N K I Y R M J B F H Z
Y V M A X D I W L F I Q G T S
J O G I B W E B D Y R R E T Z
D R A E V V U K W C S I C U O
M C H M G X G S G P G D X M R
A G NT
R I C H R D T U G K I J F A I
report card!
CHRIS
WORD BAND
SEARCH
BIG BONNEVILLE DOMINIQUE EVANS
RICH
FRICOT
TERRY
HANS
THEESSINK
HOPE
WIL
RAY
WORLD
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June 2013
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Verne Siebert Sales, Distribution
Email: sales@piffle.ca
604-763-6304 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
piffle.ca
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
5
MAGIC DAD Joe: What does your father do for a living? Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
THE PRICE OF BEING GOOD Son: For $20, I’ll be good. Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
DAD’S BOOK “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.
A SAPPERTON DAD Dad: How do you like fourth grade? Son: It isn’t much fun. Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!
A Salute to all Fathers!
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
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6 FREEZE
POET’S CORNER with Poet La
Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice? Westy: Beats me.
ureate New Westminster
CANDICE JAMES
Pee Wee: A POPsicle!
BABIES
The Colours of the Quay © October 2010 Franci Louann
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says,
from west to east the colours of the condos at the quay
“Congratulations! You’re the father of
peach yellow terracotta muted mustard beige sage
the Minnesota Twins!”
twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse tells the third man,
Dijon sand putty camel taupe rust gold olive stone green tile red brick trim corrugated blue
Franci Louann is happy to be an active part of New Westminster ’s poetr y community. No kidding. She is ‘ hy perac t i ve’, managing Poetic Justice which takes place most S u n da y s . F r anci has lived here fi ve years. She has thir t y-five poems which include the name of this city, some maybe just in the keywords. This poem The Colours of the Quay has inspired a painting. flouann@telus.net
“Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong,” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
I WAS MUGGED, OFFICER A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police said “Can you give us a description of your attacker? The snail said, “no, it all happened so fast!”
from west to east the colours of the quay
THE YOUNG PREACHER
New Westminster river buildings
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
7
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
TWO SHOWS, ONE VENUE!
eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out
3
DAYS ONLY!
his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “Think we should tell him it’s a septic tank?”
ALL ART $100
TEENAGERS AND CATS For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of
OPENING JUNE 7+8+9
RECEPTION
2013 JUNE 7 – JULY 3, 2013
JUNE 7, 6-8PM
the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the livingroom sofa for hours on end without
An artshow worth a thousand words.
moving, barely breathing. 5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
ONE FOR THE FIRE HALL Q: If a one L-ama is a Tibet monk (Lama) And a two L-ama is a South American pack animal Llama? What is a three L-ama? A: A really big fire.
SMART DOLPHINS Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few
Opening Reception June 7, 6–8pm
The Network Hub at Rivermarket, 810 Quayside Dr
weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
SHOW SPONSOR
newwestartists.com
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June 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster
604.523.6767 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca
June 2013
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PATTULLO BRIDGE PUBLIC MEETING: CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER, THE CITY OF SURREY AND TRANSLINK June 6, 5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. Sapperton Pensioners Hall 318 Keary St. New Westminster,
You Are Invited To Attend The City of New Westminster, the City of Surrey and TransLink are working together to review and evaluate alternatives to rehabilitate or replace the Pattullo Bridge and to determine a solution that meets the needs of communities connected by the bridge, as well as the broader region.
NEW WEST ARTISTS PRESENTS “ART SQUARED” 3 Days Only! June 7, 8 & 9 Both shows at The Network Hub, 810 Quayside Dr, Westminster Quay
Unique art affordably priced at $100. The companion show Visual Verse features artwork inspired by the words of local poets for an amazing and creative collaboration. www.newwestartists.com
THE GOLDEN AGE THEATRE PRESENTS “A THEATRICAL REVUE” Friday, June 7 at 7:30 p.m., Saturday, June 8 at 1:30 p.m. Century House, 620 8th St, New Westminster
A very funny show with Laughter and Drama. Refreshments included. Tickets are available at front desk Century House. Cost $8.00 members, $10.00 non members. Phone: 604-519-1066
PURPOSE SOCIETY CELEBRATES 30 YEARS WITH A FREE STREET FAIR June 8, 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Hyack Square
Purpose Society Celebrates 30 Years with a Free Street Fair New Westminster Fun Activities For All Ages – Food, Games,
Entertainment. Purpose Society celebrates 30 years of inspiring change and supporting children, youth and families in the areas of health, education, childcare, counselling and skill development.
PARENTS, KIDS, AND DRUGS: EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DRUGS, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK
June 8, 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. Connaught Heights Church, 2201 8th Ave Speaker: Cst. Phil DiBattista, Supreme Court of BC qualified drug expert Cost: Free For more information or to register the number attending email joan@chpa.ca
NEW WEST FIREFIGHTERS SHRED-A-THON
June 22 10:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Canada Games Parking Lot, 65 E 6th Ave, New Westminster.
For information and to register your GN location contact Marya McLellan at 604-5253975 or marya@glenbrookenorth.ca with “garage sale” in the subject line. Donations gratefully accepted for Monarch Place, a local transition house offering shelter and support for women and children fleeing violence.
THE QUEENSBOUROUGH CHILDERN’S FESTIVAL FEATURING MEGAN’S PLACE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC Saturday, June 22 11:30 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Ryall Park, 920 Ewen Ave
This event is free of charge and will feature great live entertainment, interactive fun and games for children of all ages from tots to teens. Calling all toddlers to bring their favorite Teddy. For more information, please call the Queensborough Community Centre at 604-525-7388.
Shred your personal and business documents securely on site while supporting a local charity! Join the New West Firefi ghters and friends at their annual Shred-A-Thon. Please bring your paperwork in easy to carry boxes and containers. Stay for a BBQ hotdog! Phone: 604-519-1000
GLENBROOKE NORTH RESIDENTS’ ASSOCIATION 14TH ANNUAL GARAGE SALE June 15, 9:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m.
The Glenbrooke North neighbourhood extends from Tenth Avenue to the north side of Sixth Avenue, from McBride Blvd to the east side of Sixth Street. GN residents can register their garage sale location before Wednesday, June 12th and have the locations added to a map which will be distributed to garage sale shoppers. Information will be posted at www.glenbrookenorth.ca.
MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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June 2013
NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! For more information, visit www.Lizakolbuck.com
JUST LIKE DAD Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad? Westy: How? Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block.
AT THE BARBER SHOP A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
JUNE 2013
“What did I tell you,” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees
ARIES: You will be inclined to spend much of your hard earned money during this time. Don’t let others influence you and avoid impulse purchases.
the same young boy coming out of the ice
TAURUS: Your physical energy is quite high this month and you will be able to accomplish a great deal. Others may be quite demanding of your time.
question? Why did you take the quarters
GEMINI: Feeling irritable and uneasy? You may not get the credit you deserve, best to work behind the scenes and avoid confrontation.
cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a instead of the dollar bill?”
CANCER: This is the time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Physical activity with friends will be beneficial.
YARD SALE
LEO: Great achievements can be made on the work front. Conflict with coworkers may arise and it’s best to channel your energies on work.
CROWN MANOR APARTMENTS
VIRGO: You may be defending your belief system during this time. Put your energy into expanding your mind. Travel may be in the works.
430 9TH ST, NEW WESTMINSTER
SATURDAY JUNE 22 • 9AM – 3PM
LIBRA: Financial disagreements may arise with your partner. Your hormones are running high this month; remember your value system. SCORPIO: Compromising with your better half is essential during this time. Is is really worth fighting over? Cooperation is the name of the game. SAGITTARIUS: Your daily life picks up considerably and you have the energy to get the job done. Health issues may arise during this time. CAPRICORN: You want to express yourself this month and so you shall! This month is all about playfulness and having fun. AQUARIUS: Much activity on the home front. If your thinking about renovations now is the time to get it done. Parents may cause difficulty. PISCES: You identify strongly with your ideas during this time. Write those thoughts down, they will come in handy in the future.
PLEASE CONTACT LORI @ 604-942-4220 OR BEVERLYNA @ 604-544-5998 COME ONE-COME ALL, BUT NO EARLY BIRDS PLEASE
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church 486 East Columbia Street at Braid, New Westminster CHURCH SERVICES: Sundays 10:30 a.m. SEASONAL TUESDAY PROGRAMS: 7:30 p.m. June 4 • NOVICE NIGHT • Keryll Harwood June 11 • HARPS AND HEALERS Patricia Sereno and Chantelle with our UBSC healers June 18 • MEDIUMSHIP • Claudette Godin June 25 • GROUP NOVICE NIGHT • Keryll Harwood Reverend Anna Beveridge 604-588-9624 Reverend Glenda McLeod 604-459-8311 healing • counselling • private readings • mediumship • workshops weddings • unions • naming services • memorials • dedications
www.ubsc.ca • spiritual@ubsc.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
11
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
11. You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too. 12. You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1. You can’t count your hair. 2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 3. You can’t breathe through your nose when
POOF! A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.
your tongue is out. Put your tongue back
He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The
in your mouth, you silly person.
genie said, ”I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.”
Ten Things I know about you
The man thought about his first wish and
4. You are reading this.
decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars
5. You are human.
transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!
6. You can’t say the letter “P” without
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF!
separating your lips. 7. You just attempted to do it. 8. You are laughing at yourself. 9. You have a smile on your face and you
There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women.” POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
skipped No. 5. 10. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
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Uptown Live Draws 25,000 to 6th and 6th for Huge Street Party
More than 25,000 turned out on Saturday for the Uptown Live street festival highlighting the conclusion of this year’s 42nd Hyack Festival. “We are absolutely delighted with how the community has responded to the event,” announced Douglas Smith, Executive Director, Hyack Festival Association. “It was a fantastic day of celebration for New Westminster. It is safe to say we have an event in Uptown Live that is truly resonating with the community.” Uptown Live, presented by Royal City Centre and Westminster Centre, showcases the best in the Indie music scene plus a host of interactive activities. Saturday’s festival featured three performance stages and was headlined by Indie music stalwarts
Good for Grapes, the Belle Game and the Boom Booms. “After only two years Uptown Live can match up against any free event in the entire Lower Mainland,” said Bart Slotman, Vice President, Uptown Property Group, who has worked closely with Mr. Smith in establishing the event. “Hats off to the Hyack Festival for their efforts! The City of New Westminster can be very proud of how Uptown Live has put the city on the map regionally and helped build pride within the community. It
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
13
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH hits the mark in terms of community building, economic spin-offs and marketing and promoting the Uptown area.” “Our event team and volunteers deserve a lot of credit for coordinating the parade presentation and moving seamlessly into Uptown Live,” said Mr. Smith. “This is a very tall order logistically and we were able to execute the transition in a safe and efficient manner. The Uptown Live street festival was launched last year to wide acclaim. The event was aimed at attracting a younger audience and fit the Hyack Festival Association’s overall strategy of producing bigger budget, higher quality events. “We have been able to capitalize on the large parade crowd and are absolutely delighted with the results. Uptown Live has taken on a life of its own with a very cool vibe.” Saturday’s event included an exchange of gif ts between the City of New Westminster and the City of Moriguchi honouring the 50th anniversary of the Sister City relationship. “We invited the City of Moriguchi delegation to visit during the Hyack Festival because we felt it was a time when the city really comes alive,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “It is safe to say the Moriguchi delegation thoroughly enjoyed their stay here and loved the opportunity to participate in the parade and Uptown Live.” Douglas Smith, Executive Director Hyack Festival Association 604-522-6894 | execdirector@hyack.bc.ca
Who stole the soap? The robber ducky. When does an astronaut eat? At launch time. Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because he wants to go on a moo walk. What do spiders eat with their burgers? French Flys Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot. How do you make seven an even number? Take the s out! Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them What dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. Buildings can’t jump! How do you make a fruit punch? Give it boxing lessons What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
What does an elf learn in school? The elfabet What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher says spit out your gum and the train says chew chew chew. What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website! What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte! What does a baby computer call his father? Data! Why did the computer keep sneezing? It had a virus! What is a computer virus? A terminal illness! Why was the computer cold? It left it’s Windows open! Why was there a bug in the computer? Because it was looking for a byte to eat?
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14
June 2013
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
TIRED COMPUTER Q: Why was the computer so tired when it got home? A: Because it had a hard drive!
DID GOD MAKE YOU? A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa. “Well, did God make me,” asks the little girl. “Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 31.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
answers her grandpa. “Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
ANDY Once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter: “Joe, if you can answer one question, I’ll let you into heaven.” Joe: “Sounds easy enough.” St. Peter: “O.K., who is with you always?” Joe: “Oh, that’s easy… Andy!” St. Peter: “Andy?” Joe: “Yeah, haven’t you heard that hymn, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?’”
THE TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHILE SINGING A HYMN 1. The pot roast. 2. What does pastor wear under robes? 3. Will the person behind me ever hit the Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 31.
right note? 4. 90 minutes till kickoff. 5. Did I turn off the curling iron?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
15 6. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head. 7. How many people have lost more hair than I have? 8. How would the hymn sound if Metallica
sat JUNE 8, 11AM-4PM Scottish Cultural Centre 8886 Hudson St, South Vancouver
played it? 9. Are there doughnuts at fellowship? 10. How many more verses?
THE GREAT WRITER There was once a young man who, in his
IS AD M
youth, professed his desire to become a
S IO
N
0 0 REE . $3 ER 12 F
great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I
KI D
want to write stuff that the whole world will
ND SU
read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
SIGNS THAT YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER You try to enter your password on the microwave. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ‘What’s for dinner dad?’ Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to
• • • • • • • •
monitors printers hardware software parts games cameras printer refills
• vintage comics • toys & collectibles • records • CDs • VHS • DVDs • manga
• • • • • • •
anime books magazines Star Wars Hot Wheels wrestling Canucks memorabilia
your next door neighbor yet this year.
…and lots more all at great prices!
TWO BOOKS
DEALER INFORMATION 8' tables $40 each, or 2 for $70!
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books… the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
604-521-6304 funpromo@shaw.ca
www.funpromo.ca
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16
The 42nd Annual Hyack Festival Concludes on a High Note!
T
Open Mon–Sat • Closed Sun
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118 Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
he 2013 Hyack Festival is being hailed as the best ever following its conclusion on the weekend. The 9-day festival reached new heights on Saturday with the 42nd annual Key West Ford Hyack International Parade and the vibrant Uptown Live street festival. “The Hyack Festival is synonymous with New Westminster and it is important that we showcase our city in a really positive manner,” said Douglas Smith, Executive Director, Hyack Festival Association. “We have taken steps to update and improve every event that is part of the festival. The results, we think, are really starting to show.” The parade showcased a total of 110 entries including floats representing the Calgary Stampede, Portland Rose Festival, Olympia Washington
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
✔
REGULAR GAMES $150
NEW!
✔ O/E, 649 & RENO GAMES $500 JACKPOT! EVERY FRIDAY 6:00PM + $500 CONSOLATION!
Prizes subject to attendance. The current license number is 16966.
✔ 20th & BONANZA GAMES $1000
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
17
BURNS — THE NEED FOR CAUTION
Every year in Canada, severe injuries and deaths occur as a result of burns and scalds. Sadly, many of these injuries affected children and could have easily been prevented. Usually, it’s children’s curiosity that gets them into trouble. They come across a lighter or matches, or they manage to get too close to a baseboard heater or a hot stove element.
Burns from Hot Liquids
Mayor Wright and Mayor Nishibata of Sister City, Moriguchi, Osaka, Japan
Capital Lakefair and the Penticton Peach Festival. More than 20 new entries were added this year including a wide array of multicultural groups. “We met our stated goal to present a high energy parade with quality entertainment,” said Gavin Palmer, Hyack Festival Association President. “This year, we worked very hard in identifying and recruiting new entries. All parade participants were juried and it helped us improve the overall quality of the parade. We felt strongly that a shorter high energy parade would be better than a slower moving two hour parade.” “Our event team deserves a lot of credit for coordinating the parade presentation and moving seamlessly into Uptown Live,” added Mr. Smith. “This is a very tall order logistically and we were able to execute the transition in a safe and efficient manner. “We have taken a collaborative approach with all our festival partners,” according to Mr. Palmer. “Elevating the profile of events like the Anvil Battery Salute is part of our commitment. We want to ensure that all events are properly promoted, sustainable and successful.” Douglas Smith, Executive Director Hyack Festival Association 604-522-6894 | execdirector@hyack.bc.ca
• When bathing children, always turn cold water on first before the hot. Test the water temperature before allowing your child to get into the bathtub or shower. Consider adjusting your hot water heater to a maximum temperature of 49°C or 120°F. • Children should not play with a hot water tap. Teach them to turn the cold water on first. • Avoid carrying or holding children while you are drinking a hot beverage.
Burns from Household Appliances • Turn pot handles towards the centre of the stove. • Keep cords for electrical appliances such as deep fryers, kettles, steam irons and toasters out of the reach of children. • Supervise children near lamps with accessible hot light bulbs. • Store items that interest children, such as cookies, away from the immediate area around the kitchen stove. • Keep children away from stationary and portable heaters.
Lighters and Matches Every year hundreds of fires are started by children playing with lighters or matches. Many of these fires are caused by children under the age of five. Children as young as 18 months have caused fires by operating lighters. Disposable lighters sold by retailers must be child-resistant, but remember, child-resistant does not mean childproof. Store lighters out of sight and out of the reach of children and do not remove the child safety devices from the lighter. Remember to: • Teach children that lighters and matches are not toys. • Instruct young children to tell an adult if they find lighters or matches. • Set a good example: always use lighters and matches responsibly. • Install and maintain smoke alarms. • Supervise your children’s play. Prevention is the best way to keep your home safe from fire. For more information on fire prevention, contact your local Fire Department.
NW Fire Fighter’s Charitable Society Shred your paper by donation at the annual SHRED-A-THON If you have confidential papers to be shredded, bring them in a box to Canada Games Pool parking lot on Saturday, June 22 from 10am to 3pm. There will be a barbecue, popcorn, live music & more! The 12th New Westminster Scouts will also be collecting bottles, so bring them along to the Shred-A-Thon. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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Cov er Story
June 2013
Concerts on The Quay Back for Another Summer on the Boardwalk
T
Ray Bonneville, July 13
he Hyack Festival Association’s summer concert series Concerts on the Quay is returning to the boardwalk at Westminster Quay starting on Canada Day. A July 1st concert will kick off the series and will be highlighted by a Canada Day fireworks display on the Fraser River. “We are really excited about this year’s concert series,” announced Douglas Smith, Executive Director, Hyack Festival Association. “We launched the series last year with two concert dates and we are delighted to add a third date this year. We are committed to presenting fireworks on Canada Day so it is really appropriate that the series starts on July 1st”, added Mr. Smith The Canada Day line-up will feature singersongwriter WiL plus Dominique Fricot, Big World Band and Rich Hope. Troubadour Ray Bonneville will headline the bill on Saturday, July 13 while the award-winning Delta blues duo of Hans Theessink
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
19
and Terry Evans will be showcased on Saturday, August 3. Vancouver Island based musician WiL is recognized by his original song “Roam”, f lagship anthem to Travel Alberta’s internationally acclaimed media campaign, ‘Remember to Breathe’. With 4 albums to his credit, his music captures vivid imagery through inspiring lyrics and catchy arrangements. Music fans familiar with Red House recording artist Ray Bonneville know that he is a hard-driving, blues influenced original. Ray’s vibe is loose and souful. With cool and economical guitar licks, horn-like harmonica phrasing and smoky vocal style, he will immediately rivet any audience. Ray is based in New Orleans and performs more than 150 shows per year across the US, Canada and Europe. His song about the resilience of New Orleans, “I Am the Big Easy” won Song of the Year at Folk Alliance in Memphis in 2009, the same city where he took first place in the International Blues Challenge in 2012. Hans Theessink and Terry Evans are two vastly experienced and respected musicians who may be from opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean but they work together beautifully. The Dutch-born Theessink is a roots and blues institution in Europe with a rich baritone voice and unmistakable guitar work. Evans hails from Vicksburg, Mississippi in the heart of delta blues country and may be best known for his long working relationship as a backing vocalist with the legendary Ry Cooder. Timeless blues, gospel and soul come alive in the capable hands of these two masters. Their new release Delta Time was recorded in Los Angeles and is receiving widespread acclaim. “Our waterfront is one of our community’s greatest assets,” according to Mr. Smith. “We want
Hans & Terry, August 3
to showcase River Market, the boardwalk and Pier Park through the presentation of the concert series and hopefully continue to attract a regional audience to New Westminster. I know everyone is going to be impressed with the quality of music we will be presenting this summer.” Admission to the concert series is free. All shows begin at 5:00pm. The Thrifty Foods Performance Stage is located on the Westminster Quay boardwalk between the Fraser River Discovery Centre and River Market. Supporting sponsors of Concerts on the Quay include River Market, Key West Ford, BC Hydro, Re/Max, Thrifty Foods, McQuarrie Hunter, Beedie Development Group, Landmark Cinemas, the Boathouse Restaurant and the Inn at the Quay. Douglas Smith, Executive Director Hyack Festival Association 604-522-6894 | execdirector@hyack.bc.ca
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20
June 2013 BCLNA Member
I LIKE IT I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything… trying to pack myself in a small
Sarah Johnson
7 years landscape horticulture experience! contact@sjgardenandlawn.ca
604-753-9529
www.sjgardenandlawn.ca
suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
DOCTOR, HELP! “Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.” “Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?” “Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
MONDAY, JUNE 3, DOORS OPEN 7 PM, SHOW 7:30 PM
Blackthorn Live & Unplugged, Vancouver’s longest-running Celtic band, entertains with a mixture of Scottish, Irish, French-Canadian & original material. Tickets $15 with limited seating.
OPEN MIC SUNDAY JUNE 9, 1-3 PM Featuring DR. GODWIN UDE
book-signing of non-fiction The Other Woman Hosted by AMY GIRARD
43 6th Street, New Westminster | 604.525.4566 renbooks@telus.net • renaissancebookstore.com
PONDERISMS What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? What’s another word for synonym? If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Free Report - Hearing Aids Are you considering hearing aids?
Read this free report first to find out: 1. What are the costs involved? 2. What do new hearing aids look like? 3. Do hearing aids work for everybody?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
21
The Queensborough Community Centre and Queensborough Special Programs Committee Presents
Queensborough Children's Festival Featuring Megan’s Place Teddy Bear Picnic Saturday, June 22, 2013 11:30 am - 3:00 pm Ryall Park 920 Ewen Avenue
Celebrating Our Children, Our Parks, Our Future
n actio sic, n e u Te es M ing d u l inc eboard Skat o's and Dem izes Pr
This event is free of charge and will feature great live entertainment, interactive fun and games for children of all ages from tots to teens. Calling all toddlers to bring their favorite Teddy. For more information, please call the Queensborough Community Centre at 604.525.7388.
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22
June 2013
SENIORS’ QUIZ (answers on p26)
how many haystacks would he have if he
1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The
combined them all in another field?
first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
FUNNY PUNS AND ONE-LINERS Corduroy pillows are making headlines
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
five feet ten inches tall and he wears size
Dijon vu… the same mustard as before
13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole… that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse He had a photographic memory that was never developed
5. What word in the English Language… is always spelled incorrectly?
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer… how is
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large Acupuncture is a jab well done
this possible? 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg… why not? 8. What was the US President’s name… in 1975?
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would
Seine A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
you be in now? 10. Which is correct to say… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is
If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
white”? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field
banana
and 4 haystacks in the other field…
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
23
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE “Doctor, I have an ear ache.” 2000 B.C. - “Here, eat this root.” 1000 B.C. - “That root is heathen, say this prayer.” 1850 A.D. - “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.” 1940 A.D. - “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.” 1985 A.D. - “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.” 2013 A.D. - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
PANDA A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
What year did Moriguchi, Osaka, Japan become New Westminster’s Sister City?
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24
June 2013 HEAVEN AND HELL In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.
WOMEN’S REVENGE “Cash, check or charge,” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote,” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
Place
Dunwood
The Presbyterian Senior Citizens’ Housing Society
Beautiful park like setting
Over 35 Years of Experience PRINTING • PHOTOCOPYING • NAMEBADGES SIGNAGE • VEHICLE DECALS • GRAPHIC DESIGN T-SHIRTS • TEAM UNIFORMS and more...
EVERYONE WELCOME! Fully equipped woodwork shop, cafe, hair salon, large covered patio and gazebo in a lush garden setting. Too many amenities to list. Conveniently located to shopping. Come and tour this exceptional one of a kind facility. Very reasonable rents.
901 Colborne Street, New Westminster Seniors Independent Living 604-521-8636 dunwoodplace@telus.net
MEN • WOMEN • GIRLS • BOYS
SPRING SPECIAL 10% OFF
Located at Dunwood Place 909 Colborne St, New Westminster (near 8th Avenue & McBride)
Come & enjoy the relaxed atmosphere!
FOR APPOINTMENTS CALL 604-521-5655
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
25
Pattullo Bridge Review – Public Consultation June 3 – June 28, 2013
The City of New Westminster, the City of Surrey and TransLink are working together to review and evaluate alternatives to rehabilitate or replace the Pattullo Bridge and to determine a solution that meets the needs of communities connected by the bridge, as well as the broader region served by the bridge. From June 3 to June 28, 2013, New Westminster, Surrey and TransLink will be consulting with local residents and businesses, local and regional stakeholders, and bridge users about the initial screening of the alternatives for rehabilitating or replacing the bridge. requesting additional information and evaluation of all practical alternatives. You can learn more and provide feedback by: • Attending a public open house or small group meeting (schedule below); members of the Pattullo Bridge Review Team from the City of New Westminster, the City of Surrey and TransLink will be available to answer questions at all of the open houses and small group meetings • Visiting our website www.pattullobridgereview.ca, to complete an online feedback form, or PlaceSpeak at www.placespeak.com/PattulloBridgeReview • Sending written submissions to info@pattullobridgereview.ca or PO Box 2225 Vancouver Main, Vancouver, B.C. V6B 3W2 PUBLIC OPEN HOUSE SCHEDULE* and answer session.
COMMUNITY
DATE
TIME
LOCATION
New Westminster
Thursday, June 6
5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Sapperton Pensioners Hall 318 Keary Street
Surrey
Saturday, June 8
10:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m
SFU Surrey 13450 102 Avenue
New Westminster
Tuesday, June 11
5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Inn at the Quay 900 Quayside Drive
Surrey
Wednesday, June 12
5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
SFU Surrey 13450 102 Avenue
Surrey
Thursday, June 13
5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
City Centre Library 10350 University Drive
New Westminster
Saturday, June 15
10:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.
Inn at the Quay 900 Quayside Drive
SMALL GROUP MEETING SCHEDULE* Small group meetings are scheduled for two hours and are not a drop-in format. Please register to attend a small group meeting by going to www.pattullobridgereview.ca or calling 604-684-6840.
COMMUNITY
DATE
TIME
LOCATION
New Westminster
Tuesday, June 4
6:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Sapperton
Surrey
Wednesday, June 5
1:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.
City Centre
New Westminster
Thursday, June 6
1:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.
Sapperton
Surrey
Wednesday, June 12
1:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.
City Centre
* Please check www.pattullobridgereview.ca for any potential revisions to this schedule.
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26
June 2013
WHITE HAIR
WAITING FOR YOU
One day a little girl was sitting and watching
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to
her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during
She suddenly noticed that her mother had
one particularly icy winter. Because both had
several strands of white hair sticking out in
jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their
contrast on her brunette head. She looked at
travel schedules. It was decided that the
her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are
husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday,
some of your hairs white, Mom?”
and his wife would follow him the next day.
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that
Upon arriving as planned, the husband
you do something wrong and make me cry or
checked into the hotel. There he decided to
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The
open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail
little girl thought about this revelation for a
back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally
while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL
left off one letter in her address, and sent
of grandma’s hairs are white?”
the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from
Seniors’ Quiz Answers
her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of
1. Johnny of course!
many years who had been ‘called home to glory’
2. Meat.
following a heart attack. The widow checked her
3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
yet.
friends. Upon reading the first message, she
4. There is no dirt in a hole.
fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son
5. Incorrectly.
rushed into the room, found his mother on the
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
7. You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband
8. Same as is it now. Barack Obama.
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
9. You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see
person in second place, not first.
that everything has been prepared for your
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow… duh!
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks,
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
they all become one big one.
as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
27
Advertise in your community humour magazine! Catch them while they’re laughing! The concept is simple. We put people in a good mood with jokes, cartoons, and positive news. We think that when people are feeling happy, they are more receptive to an advertiser’s message. Piffle has been around for 12 years promoting area businesses with this approach.
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Burnaby Edmonds, Maillardville
Have your business highlighted on the cover with an inside editorial complete with a professional photo shoot!
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Contact Verne today for details.
We print and distribute 8,000 copies in New Westminster,
Verne Siebert, Sales
vernesiebert@piffle.ca
604-763-6304
Visit us online
piffle.ca
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June 2013
GOOD TIMES, GOOD FOOD WITH DAD! ~ SUNDAY, JUNE 16
Honestly driven. 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
LUNCH SPECIALS FROM 11AM TO 2PM EVERYDAY! both Chi
1963
nese and Western dishes
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
10% OFF for pick-up orders over $15.00
FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays
OFFICE & RETAIL PACKAGE FUTURES Contents coverage from $10,000 & up including: • All risk coverage • Replacement cost including increased cost due by-law • Valuable papers & records $5,000 • Peak season endorsement 25% stock increase • Crime $2,500
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604-525-6633 604-209-1562 604-525-2363
Ask me about information on Mortgage Insurance, Group Benefits and Business Insurance, RRSP or TFSA.
beverley_whitelaw@cooperators.ca 607 Sixth Street, New Westminster Referrals always welcome!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
29
The COLUMBIA
jam!
WEST COAST HOME OF CLASSIC ROCK
Join SEAN GARRETT and FRIENDS at the prestigious COLUMBIA THEATRE
WEDNESDAY MUSIC NIGHT 7:00pm – 11:00pm
Come and listen to some of the FINEST MUSICIANS play classic rock and music from all genres! Whatever your style of music if you want to join in just bring your instruments and play in the best acoustical venue around.
COLUMBIA THEATRE (formerly Raymond Burr) 530 COLUMBIA ST, NEW WESTMINSTER ACROSS FROM THE COLUMBIA SKYTRAIN STATION
Specializing in “Furniture that Fits” and unique items to showcase your home. Enjoy a great selection of conversation pieces to share with your guests forever. Located on 6th Street, you’ll find decorative pieces for any home. Drop by for a peek, you will leave satisfied.
616 6th St New Westminster
604.520.0202
Furnit ure • Ho m e Décor • Gif ts uptown.furnish@gmail.com
2626 Shaughnessy St Port Coquitlam
604.552.0400
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30
June 2013
FIRST DAY
always getting into trouble and their parents
The mother says to her daughter, “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” The daughter answers, “First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?”
knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with
GREAT NEWS
her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked
The newlywed wife said to her husband when
to see them individually. So the mother sent
he returned from work, “I have great news for
her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with
you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in
the older boy to see the clergyman in the
this house instead of two.”
afternoon.
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made
way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves
no response, sitting there with his mouth
in with us.”
hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
WE ARE IN TROUBLE A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were
tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet,
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
slamming the door behind him. When his older
name address
“What happened?”
brother found him in the closet, he asked, The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time dude.
city Province Phone email
God is missing and they think WE did it!”
Postal Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
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1. Well, how ‘bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions. 2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun? 3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
June 2013
31
4. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… GO CRAZY. 5. What do you mean you wanna play
An honest lawyer An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so
football? Figure skating not good enough
business kept coming in. Pretty soon she
for you, son?
realized she needed an in-house counsel, and
6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.
so she began interviewing young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in
7. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your
a business like this, our personal integrity must
car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr.
thingies… you know… that makes it run
Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”
or something. Just have it towed to a
“Honest,” replied the job prospect. “Let me
mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so
8. No son of mine is going to live under this
honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand
roof without an earring… now quit your
dollars for my education and I paid back every
belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall. 2.
penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I
“Impressive. And what sort of case was
make plenty of money for you to spend. 9. Father’s Day? aahh… don’t worry about that… it’s no big deal.
that?” He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 14
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from page 14 Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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