July 2013 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 154
Joel Isfeld is Driving Community Events
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Story on P18
P6
POET’S CORNER with Poet Lau
reate New Westminster
CANDICE JAMES
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and We stern dishes)
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604-521-1871
Piffle Index Cover Story Key West Ford: Not Your Average Car Dealership ������ 18, 19
Editorial Horoscopes by Liza ����������������������������������������������������������� 10 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page �������������������������������� 9 Key West Ford Show & Shine 2013 ���������������������������� 12, 13 New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services ����������������������� 17 Poet’s Corner with Candice James ������������������������������������� 6
Glenn Jones Funny Bones ����������������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Meet the Jones’ ���������������������������������������������������������������� 18 The Visitor ������������������������������������������������������������������������ 22
Piffle Fun! Chris Sargent Word Search ������������������������������������������������ 7 Circle Quirk Maze ������������������������������������������������������������� 27 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah ��������������������������������������������������� 12 Math Madness ������������������������������������������������������������������ 15 Number Blocks ����������������������������������������������������������������� 14 Piffle Quiz ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 23
Advertisers BAAS Executive Offices ���������������������������������������������������� 23
July 2013 You Might Be Canadian If… • You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don’t miss Hockey Night. • You can repeat the entire Molson’s Canadian ‘The Rant’. • You know all the words to “If I had a million dollars” by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed. • You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.” • You remember when Alanis Morrissette was “Too Hot To Hold”. • You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip. • You can sing “O’ Canada” in French and actually know what the words mean.
Betty McIntosh, Councillor ������������������������������������������������ 5
• You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators ���������������������������� 28
• You killed your best friend for Another
Burnaby Square Prescriptions ������������������������������������������� 5 Chan’s Garden �������������������������������������������������������������� 1, 28 Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel ������������������������������������ 29 Columbia Theatre ������������������������������������������������������������ 29 Concerts on the Quay ������������������������������������������������������� 21 Dahong Pilipino Business Directory �������������������������������� 26 Your Dollar Store With More �������������������������������������������� 13 Dunwood Place ���������������������������������������������������������������� 24 E.R. Computers ������������������������������������������������������������������� 3 Filthy Phil ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 24 Fin Donnelly, MP ���������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Gabor Gasztonyi Gallery �������������������������������������������������� 25 Gabor Gasztonyi Photography ����������������������������������������� 31 G.I. Gracey Notary Corp. �������������������������������������������������� 24 Imperial Pharmacy ��������������������������������������������������������� 1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon ������������������������������������������������������������ 16 Key West Ford ������������������������������������������������������������������� 32 Mac Seniors ���������������������������������������������������������������������� 24
Roadside Attraction tickets. • You think Great Big Sea isn’t Atlanticcentric enough. • You know the names of all the guys in Sloan. • You know more than 3 guys named Gordon. • You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada • You love your fries with poutine • You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. • You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club ��������������������������� 5
• You substitute beer for water when cooking.
OK Tire ����������������������������������������������������������������������������� 28
• You know what “Canuba” is. You think it’s
One Source Productions �������������������������������������������������� 17 Patti’s Hair Salon �������������������������������������������������������������� 24 Peter Julian, MP ����������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar �������������������������������������� 20 The River’s Reach Pub �������������������������������������������������������� 1 Sarah Johnson Landscaping ��������������������������������������������� 20 Simple Hearing Solutions ������������������������������������������������ 20 Uptown Furnishings ��������������������������������������������������������� 29 Waffle House ���������������������������������������������������������������� 5, 16 West End Medicine Centre ������������������������������������������� 1, 29 Westminster Carwash Ltd. ����������������������������������������������� 20 Zara’s Hair Design ������������������������������������������������������������ 27
pretty darn funny. • You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer. • You know who Foster Hewitt is. • You pity people who haven’t tasted a “beavertail”.
July 2013
3
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby • You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair. • You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. • You cried when you heard that “Mr Dress Up” died.
Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian? A: A Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it. Q: Why don’t Canadian women wear sleeveless dresses?
• You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim
A: They aren’t allowed to bare arms
Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians. • You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed” • You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan” • You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
RCMP A Canadian calls the RCMP “Hello is the RCMP? I’m calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!” The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine’s house and search the shed where
• You perk up when you hear the theme song from “Hockey Night in Canada.”
the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but
• You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine
• You know that Canadian Tire on any
and leave.
Saturday is busier than the toy stores
The phone rings at Antoine’s.
before Christmas.
“Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car. • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant. • You think the start of deer season is a
house?” “Yep.” “Did they chop all your firewood?” “Yep.” “Happy Birthday Buddy!”
national holiday. • You know which leaves make for good toilet
A LONG WORD What is the longest word in the English
paper. • The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer. • You can play road hockey on skates.
language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
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July 2013
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Verne Siebert Sales, Distribution
Email: sales@piffle.ca
604-763-6304 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
piffle.ca
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
5
ARITHMATIC FOR THE BIRDS There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left? 2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU PUNCTUATE An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
FLYS IN THE GUINNESS One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!”
PESSIMIST Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist? A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Enjoy summer activities in New Westminster!
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
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Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
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6 COFFEE
POET’S CORNER with Poet La ureate New Westminster
CANDICE JAMES
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress “Waitress,” he said, “there’s dirt in my coffee!” “That’s not surprising, sir, replied the
Cycles of Life
waitress, “It was ground only half an hour ago.”
© Jo Martinez
WHERE YA FRUM?
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, Traverse, On the other side now, Miss you so much, Death, a part of life, Life, a part of death, Born to this world, Grew over time, Held your hand, Much love gained, No more pain, Mourning, grieving, sorrow, loss, Cycles of life, Change in the wind, Memories, laughter, madness, and tears, Thank you for being there through all our yesteryears. P o e t , w r i t e r, b l o g g e r, J o M a r t i n e z considers herself a ‘Jo of all trades’ kind of gal. P ur suing p as sions and pr oje c t s of all sor ts, Mar tinez has writ ten lyrics, poetry, and other forms of literacy since an early age. Jo was a participant at the 2012 International 3-Day Novel Writing Contest. She attends and supports various literary events around Metro Vancouver. Jo Martinez is a member of New West Writers, regularly attends Surrey Muse, has presented her work at Poetry in the Park and other various gatherings. For more information, please visit www.jomartinez.com.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from? 2nd Eskimo: Alaska 1st Eskimo: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!
I TOLD YOU AN HOUR AGO Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.” “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
EARS Q: What kind of ears does an engine have? A: Engineers
LIVING IN PEACE An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,” may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
7
Englishman, whom replies: “no thanks, I’ll just
Englishman had his hand against his face as
wait till the Police get here!”
he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish
BORN AN ENGLISHMAN
fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and
An Englishman, roused by a Scot’s scorn of his
she missed him and slapped me instead.’
race, protested that he was born an Englishman
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English
and hoped to die an Englishman. “Man,” scoffed
fella must have tried to kiss me and actually
the Scot, “hiv ye nae ambeetion?”
kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’ And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is
KISS AND A SLAP
great. The next time the train goes through
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman
a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap
and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
that English SOB again.
carriage in a train going through Wales.
A PART IN A PLAY
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were
A Scots boy came home from school and
no lights in the carriages and it went
told his mother he had been given a part in
completely dark. Then there was this kissing
the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother,
noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
“What part is it?” The boy says “I play the
When the train came out of the tunnel,
part of the Scottish husband!” The mother
Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were
scowls and says: “Go back and tell your
sitting as if nothing had happened and the
teacher you want a speaking part.”
D K M Q L B R M M J O T G I Y
R K C Z W V A S O E A U K N A
G M Z O F T C N H G O S Z Y L
C I M Z P N N Z H R E U R R L
S A U W C Y C T O D N C G S P
N L O T B Z L B H D I R Y F A
J Q M G V X S L Q H H I Y L R
B M O M G N N L B T S C N O K
M O V Z E F K K K G R N W N H
D U W E W L Y A W V O C E E C
S W U T J L R J K Y N N S W I
S Q E N A Q T I Q L I X D O E
S U M M E R H L C D A E R C G
C I G A M W L A I K R Z L K M
A G NT
S T N A P E E T R A M S M H R
CHRIS
WORD
CIRCUS SEARCH EWEN JONNY-BGOOD MAGIC MELRICK ONE QUEENSBOROUGH RAIN-OR-SHINE RYALL-PARK SIZZLE SMARTEE-PANTS SUMMER WOMAN
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July 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing
Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions. NO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TOBACCO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS HEALTH WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO
More Space + More Products + More Services HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM SAT 9AM – 4PM • SUN 9AM – 3PM
981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster
604.523.6767 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca
July 2013
9
SUMMER FUN DAYS FOR KIDS AGES 4-10
July 2-August 6, Tuesdays 10:30am This program includes stories, special SRC crafts in keeping with this year’s Up, Up and Away theme. We will also have special visitors as follows: • July 9 – Norden the Magician • July 23 – Cinemazoo • August 6 – Burnaby Summer Theatre Company New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave, New Westminster
MUSIC & THEATRE ACADEMY FOR ALL AGES
The Cit y has par tnered with Music Box to offer free music and drama lesson for children. Get to know your voice. Sing, dance, play musical instruments and take part in some adventure! Rainy day option at RiverMarket. Westminster Pier Park Phone: 604-777-5100 Sunday, 11:00-11:30am
SUMMER BASEBALL CAMP
The Bullpen Baseball School will be hosting a Summer Baseball Camp in coordination with New Westminster L.L. August 6-8, 9:00am-12:00 noon Morneau Field Age: 9-12 years old Cost: $125.00 (3-day camp) This Camp will be an excellent opportunity for all players to improve their game for all-stars / select teams, or, to attend a summer camp with their friends. The numbers will be kept to a maximum of 25 students for the camp.
Phone: 604-777-5100 Sunday, 1:00-2:00pm July 7-August 25
• Saturday, July 13 – Ray Bonneville
• Saturday, August 3 • 5:00pm-9:00pm Concerts on the Quay returns to the Westminster Quay boardwalk f e a t ur in g to p n a t i on a l a n d international recording artists. The series kicks of f on July 1s t wi th live per formances plus a spectacular Canada Day fireworks display over the Fraser River at dusk.
• Saturday, August 3 – Hans Theesssink & Terry Evans
issues Pick-up back at Imperial Ph
of
armacy
• Situational Plays (rundowns, cut-offs, relays & why they are so important) • Pitching (better control, how to throw for more velocity)
• Fielding (the importance of body mechanics, how to play each position better)
Westminster Pier Park
• Monday, July 1 – WiL
• Saturday, July 13
• Hitting (make more consistent contact, also hit for more power)
FREE KICKBOXING FOR ALL AGES The City & 30 Minute Hit are offering free group kickboxing in a “Bootcamp style” workout great for all ages and skill levels. Rainy day option at RiverMarket.
• Monday, July 1
Topics Covered:
Drop-in Fee: Free
July 7, 1:00pm-2:00pm
Check out performances by this year’s headliners:
The players will be split into two teams and have designated coaches for each group.
• Many Different Drills (to practice what is being shown)
July 7, 21 & August 11, 18, 25
CONCERTS ON THE QUAY
The reason for the two groups is to play real games on the last two days for 30-45 minutes. Please contact Fred Sabatine Phone: 604-644-6566 (leave a message regarding spring camp) E-mail: fredsabatine@shaw.ca / fred@bullpen.ca
Drop-in Fee: Free
MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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July 2013
NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! For more information, visit www.Lizakolbuck.com
TOP TEN Excuses… If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work 10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.” 9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.” 8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!” 7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
JULY 2013 ARIES: Your probably going to hear from past lovers and friends during this time. Mercury is lighting up your 5th house of fun, enjoy the good times ahead. TAURUS: Intuitive insights will light this period. You may feel inventive. Your mind at this time is activated; channel your talent effectively. GEMINI: Go into planning mode and not action mode. Bide your time. Conversations may grow insincere and superficial. Take heed before you speak. CANCER: Personal possessions and finances may preoccupy your mind. Plan your finances for the future and not spend what you have today. LEO: Try not to be to aggressive when conveying your wisdom to others. Make notes when sudden insights occur, they will come in handy in the near future. VIRGO: Your mind may be so receptive that it becomes overwhelmed. Transfer that energy into writing, poetry or something artistic. LIBRA: Invent or create something during this time. Individuality will not work. Get together with others for ideas and creative insights. SCORPIO: Easily depressed? Moody? Focus your energies on getting the job done. Make money the main motivator and all will be well. SAGITTARIUS: Study, do some inspired writing, get philosophical. Learn from people whose wisdom you respect. Plan that vacation now. CAPRICORN: Your depth might surprise you. Curb your sarcastic wit or arguments will occur. You may be asked to take care of wills or taxes. AQUARIUS: You will work well in group endeavors. Communications within partnerships may cause stress. Listen before reacting. PISCES: This is an excellent time for detailed work and practical thinking. In personal relationships, others may find you cold and fault finding. Be nice.
6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.” 5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?” 4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.” 3. “The coffee machine is broken…” 2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…” And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. “…AMEN!”
LOST WALLET At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. “And a Scotsman said, I’ll give a reward of 150 pounds.”
COW COUNTING Q: How do you count a herd of cattle? A: With a cowculator.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
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Advertise in your community humour magazine! Catch them while they’re laughing! The concept is simple. We put people in a good mood with jokes, cartoons, and positive news. We think that when people are feeling happy, they are more receptive to an advertiser’s message. Piffle has been around for 12 years promoting area businesses with this approach.
Are you looking for a little extra exposure?
Burnaby Edmonds, Maillardville
Have your business highlighted on the cover with an inside editorial complete with a professional photo shoot!
and Queensborough.
Contact Verne today for details.
We print and distribute 8,000 copies in New Westminster,
Verne Siebert, Sales
vernesiebert@piffle.ca
604-763-6304
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July 2013
KEY WEST FORD KID’S SHOW & SHINE CORNER 2013 with
ISAIAH
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment! Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white and…? A: A penguin falling down the stairs! Q: When does a teacher carry birdseed? A: When there is a parrotteacher conference! Q: What is a polygon? A: A dead parrot! Q: What kind of bird works at a construction site? A: The crane! Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? A: Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Q: Why do scientists think humming birds hum? A: Because they can’t remember the words! Q: What bird is always depressed? A: The blue jay Q: Why do seagulls like to live by the sea? A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels! Q: What is a cat’s favorite color? A: Purrr-ple Q: What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross? A: A fi rst-aid Kit. Q: Why are cats good at video games? A: Because they have nine lives!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it’s too far to walk!
Q: Why can’t a leopard hide? A: Because he’s always spotted!
Q: What did the sick chicken say? A: Oh no! I have the people-pox!
Q: What song does a cat like best? A: Three Blind Mice.
Q: What do you call a funny chicken? A: A comedi-hen
Q: Where did the school kittens go for their field trip? A: To the mewseum
C
ar owners, download your registration form here. We are so excited to welcome bicycles this year too! Download the bicycle reg form here. The popular event that really shines is once again rolling into Downtown New West July 14th! Cool cars, great eats, and interactive free fun for the whole family…
2013 Features
Key West Ford Block Party including world famous Japadog, cool tunes, live performances, the coolest cars and a few surprises… not to mention the big screen at Begbie & Columbia! Check out Electric Avenue this year, a block in celebration of alternative transportation and energies. Modo Car Co-op, City of New Westminster, Vancouver Electric Vehicle Association and many more will be displaying the latest and greatest in green alternatives. EPIK Bikes and New West Cycle present the first ever bicycle Show
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
13
& Shine this year! Enter your bike or check out vintage and electric bikes on display. Country Music Artist Stacey McKitrick will be performing on the Shops at New West Performance Stage along with New Westminster’s own 2 Days and Counting. And don’t miss Bobby’s Cane and The Beladeans too! Come hungry… BeaverTails, Chronic Tacos, ReUp BBQ, Triple O’s, Urban Wood Fired Pizzas and many more will be onsite to feed you!
SHOW & SHINE JULY 14TH NEW WESTMINSTER DOWNTOWN
Come join us at the store and the
KIDS CORNER on Columbia St
See our selection of WEDDING SUPPLIES and Stage Party Novelties
811 Carnarvon St, New Westminster (Opposite of The Old Spaghetti Factory)
GET YOUR FRESH ROSE & FLOWER BOUQUET FOR $5 EVERYDAY!
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July 2013
HOW MIKE CELEBRATED FATHER’S DAY Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a
Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
rural area in the west of England. No running
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike’s
water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’
inspection.
wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?”
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?” From the back of the hall a Scottish voice
“Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes,” the
shouted, “I’ll give £150!”
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for
THE TOKING MONKEY
the proud father to see. “Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.”
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up
“Saints be praised, I…” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.”
and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up
Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby
and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
daughter.”
After a while the lizard says his mouth is
“Thanks be to…”
‘dry’ and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he’s gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says “hey you!”
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 31.
The Monkey looks down and says, “wwoooowww dude… how much water did you drink?!!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
15 Woody Allen Quotes 1. “How is it possible to find meaning in a
“Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on,” said Jack, “or we’d have slid all the way back down!”
finite world, given my waist and shirt size?” 2. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.” 3. “I was thrown out of college for cheating
The good ol’ days A couple of elderly RVers who’d recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream
on the metaphysics exam; I looked into
motorhome, when the wife said, “Dear, do you
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
remember how you used to sit close to me?”
4. “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
He moved over and sat close to her. “Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He reached
SPEAKING OF OLD GOATS Q: What do you call an unemployed goat?
over and held her tight. “And,” she went on, “do you remember how
A: Billy Idol.
you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble
Q: What do you call a goat at sea?
on my ear?” With that, her husband got up
A: Billy Ocean.
and started to walk toward the rear of the
Q: What do you call an outlaw goat?
motorhome.
A: Billy the kid.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my
DUCKS AND ELEPHANTS
teeth.”
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires Q: Why do Elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out burning ducks Q: Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
A: To hide upside down in bowls of custard Q: Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in your custard? A: Then it must work. Q: How do you get elephants to go into a Mini Cooper? A: Tell them there’s custard in there
Tough Climb for a Tandem Team Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem. “Phew, that was a tough climb” said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.”
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 31.
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16 Going Deaf A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. “What’ve I done, officer,” asks the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back…” “Oh, thank God for that,” says the rider… “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
Border Crossing A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. “What’s in the bags?” asked the guard. “Sand,” the cyclist replied. “Get them off. We need to take a look.” The guard emptied the bags and found out
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they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they
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contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. “Hey, where have you been,” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were
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smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?” The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”
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Get Noticed ! QUICK FACTS ON CO WHAT IT IS: A colourless, odourless and tastelessgas. SIGNS: Stuffy air, water vapour, backdraft and soot from a fireplace. SYMPTOMS: Headaches, weakness, nausea, vomiting and loss of muscle control. They can be mistaken for flu symptoms. EFFECTS: If inhaled, carbon monoxide deprives the blood of oxygen. Prolonged exposure can lead to unconsciousness, brain damage or death. CAUSES: Blocked or dirty vents, flues, chimneys and furnaces, as well as improper ventilation of burning fireplaces or woodstoves. DEATHS: Approximately 200 per year. PREVENTION: Annual inspection and cleaning of:
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• Furnaces • chimneys • fireplaces
• other fuel-burning equipment such as gas dryers
SAFETY TIPS ON HOW TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING INSTALL at least one carbon monoxide detector in your home. ENSURE a wood or coal-burning stove is properly installed and vented. DON’T operate a gasoline-powered engine, kerosene stove or charcoal grill in a closed space. BARBECUE grills should never be operated indoors. CHECK clothes dryer vents that open outside the house for lint. CHECK forced air fans for proper ventilation. If you suspect carbon monoxide in your home, get out immediately and call the fire department. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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Cov er Story
July 2013
Key West Ford
by Alje Vennema
Not Your Average Car Dealership
K
ey West Ford has a strong sense of family. This statement isn’t just referring to the fact that the dealership’s owner, Al Backman works closely with his daughter, Andrea, or the fact that co-owner Adam Isfeld’s son, Joel, is one of the sales managers. The dealership on a whole is about familial ties. Many of its employees have worked there for decades and have grown into a tight knit unit. They’re proud of the connections they’ve forged, the legacy they’ve created, and the city they’ve built it in over the years. The motto here is, “work hard, live well.” That mantra ties directly into Key West’s attitude and involvement with the city of New Westminster Long is the list of the works Key West and its employees partake in on behalf of the community. During the summer months they hold free family barbeques open to anyone who might wish to enjoy some food, take in a live DJ set, socialize, have their picture taken with a local sports hero, and view or test-drive some great cars. During the school year, Key West staff brings cars to the local high schools
where they put emphasis on the safer points of driving while allowing learners and new drivers some great practice behind the wheels of modern vehicles in a controlled and safe environment. Similarly, the “Drive One for Your Community” program involves Key West bringing out their new car line-up to local community events where they donate money for every test drive taken; these proceeds benefit local charities. As if that wasn’t enough already, Key West Ford is also a staunch supporter of the Kids Sport New West Charity, both monetarily and via sports equipment donation drives. They also sponsor local sports programs, are an active and involved member of the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce, and are sponsors of the Police Charity Golf Tournament. Key West acts as a patron of the arts by providing vehicle sponsorship for the Hyack Festival Association and even provides a vehicle for the Police Victim’s Services Unit. Ad a m Isfeld had t h is to say : “In New West(minster) we treat everyone with the same
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
19
respect in, or outside of the dealership; we treat them as a member of our extended Key West family. We do our utmost to promote a culture of diversity, honesty, respect, and fun in everything we do, whether it’s with respect to buying, selling, leasing, and servicing cars in here or volunteering our time out there in the community.” On a more ‘selfish’ note Adam admits he wants to update and ‘upgrade’ people’s perceptions of a car dealership and what it can do for them, even post-purchase. “We’re a full-service facility here. Besides quality new and used vehicles, we offer quality parts, guaranteed mechanical work, and professional detailing services at prices that are affordable. Gone are the days of the old-school polyester suit wearing ‘car shark’ or the surely mechanic. We want you to be happy with your car or truck and happy with our work.” “Besides, many of our employees are local residents of New Westminster. Much of the time these are our neighbours, our contractors, our sons’ teachers, our daughters’ coaches, etc. coming through our showroom doors to see us. We always take the ‘uncle attitude’ — we treat them like family. I think this is what sets us apart from other dealerships. We may be bigger in size…but we’re equally as big in heart. We aren’t about to pass up any opportunity to be friendly towards our peers or to give back to the city that has allowed us to flourish.”
About Key West Ford Key West Ford is New Westminster and British Columbia’s number one new and used (pre-owned) car and truck finance dealer serving throughout the Lower Mainland in such cities as Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Richmond, Surrey, and Vancouver for over 25 years.
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July 2013 BCLNA Member
Signs You Chose a No Frills Airline • They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
Sarah Johnson
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• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get
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the cows off the runway. • You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.” • No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. • You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane. • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. • You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change. • Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
A BAD MIX Math and Alcohol don’t mix, so… PLEASE DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE.
Free Report - Hearing Aids Are you considering hearing aids?
Read this free report first to find out: 1. What are the costs involved? 2. What do new hearing aids look like? 3. Do hearing aids work for everybody?
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A PRESENTATION OF THE HYACK FESTIVAL ASSOCIATION IN PARTNERSHIP WITH THE CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER
free!
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TED BY
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@ WESTMINSTER QUAY CANADA DAY
MONDAY, JULY 5:00 - 10:00 PM
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WiL
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CANADA DAY
FIREWORKS
FREE CONCERT
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AFTER THE SHOW
DA- 9:0Y0,PMJULY 13 SATUR5:0 0 LE NEDVSINIL RAY BON AI CL R ILIP, DAVI PLUS SHANE PH
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AND KEITH BENNET
Y, AUG. 3 SATUR5:0D0 A - 9:00 PM HANS THEESSINK EVANS & TERRY IAL GUESTS
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22
July 2013
Frog Walk
9. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
when it takes full power to taxi. 10. Keep looking around; there’s always
A: Open toad!
something you’ve missed.
Aviation 101
11. Try to keep the number of your landings
Here are a few of the lessons you’ll learn when taking Aviation 101:
equal to the number of your takeoffs. 12. Gravity never loses! The best you can
1. It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. 2. Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
hope for is a draw! 13. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be
3. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
sold Niagara Falls. 14. Always remember you fly an airplane with
4. If you push the stick forward, the houses
your head, not your hands. Never let an
get bigger, if you pull the stick back they
airplane take you somewhere your brain
get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the
didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
stick back -then they get bigger again) 5. The propeller is just a big fan in the front
MORALE: Learn from the mistakes of others.
of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want
You won’t live long enough to make all of them
proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot
yourself. And Always Remember, you’re always
break out into a sweat.
a student in an airplane.
6. The probability of survival is equal to the
The Flight Instructor
angle of arrival. 7. The only time you have too much fuel is
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great
when you’re on fire. 8. Every one already knows the definition
forest fire. He was advised that a small plane
of a ‘good’ landing is one from which
would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The
you can walk away. But very few know
photographer arrived at the airstrip just an
the definition of a ‘great landing.’ It’s
hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small
one after which you can use the airplane
Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in
another time.
with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
23
The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why,” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures,” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
Wish and ye shall receive A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish. Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand. Then it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.
When he first visited the land that would become New Westminster, Richard Clement Moody of the Royal Engineers referred to the trees as ”large and magnificent”. Reluctantly, he ordered his men to clear the forest for the new town. As a result, what was the nickname given to the site?
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July 2013
Place
Dunwood
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July 2013
25
A GREAT READ Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn’t put it down?
Train Crash Roy is applying for a high paying executive job at the railroad and during the interview, an inspector asks him, “What would you do if you saw two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?” Roy says, “I would switch one train to another track.” “What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “Then I’d use the manual lever.” answers Roy. “What if that had been struck by lightning?” asks the inspector. “I’d use the phone to call the next signal box.” “What if the phone was busy?” “I’d use the public phone near the station.” “What if that had been vandalized?” “If that happened,” Roy answers, “ I’d run home and get Carla. “ The inspector asked, “Why would you do that?” “Because Carla has never seen a train crash.”
Pig! Pig! The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me. “PIG! PIG!!” he yelled. “PIG! PIG!!” So I shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by him. Still thinking about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.
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26
July 2013
The Ferrari vs the Moped A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips
Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible
by him, going much faster! “What on earth
sports car, costing about $250,000. He
could be going faster than my Ferrari,” the
takes it out for a spin and while stopping for
young man asks himself.
a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming
an open face crash helmet (looking about 70
toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again,
years old) pulls up next to him.
heading the opposite direction! And it almost
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360
looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh
Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million
Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the
dollars!”
back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour,” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, “You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari!”
“Sure,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped,
The old man looks up and replies, “OK… but first, unhook my suspenders from your sideview mirror, will ya?”
the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car,
TWO BIOLOGIST
all right!” Just then the light changes so the guy
Two biologists studying caribou in Alaska’s
decides to show the old man what his car can
back country got a pilot to fly them into the
do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
far north to collect some specimens. They were
speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he
quite successful in their venture and had six
notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
big carcasses to take back to their lab. The
to be getting closer!
pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
27
They started loading their gear into the plane,
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the
including the six caribou. But the pilot objected
engineer when it was over. “You did superbly
and told them,”Those caribou carcasses are
under cross-examination.”
too heavy, the plane can only take four of them; you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.” “How’s that?” the lawyer asked. “I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”
to put all six animals aboard. This plane was
not carry the load and they crashed into the
How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?
wilderness.
1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
the exact when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could
Climbing out of the wreckage, one biologist said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
2. An inclined plane is a slope up. 3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.
“I think so,” replied the other biologist. I think this is about the same place where we
Mermaid Math
crashed last year!”
Q: What does the little mermaid wear? A: An Algebra
The Train Lantern In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
Haircuts Waxing & Threading Perms & Treatments Colouring & Highlights Brazilian Hair Treatments Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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July 2013
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July 2013
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The COLUMBIA
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Join SEAN GARRETT and FRIENDS at the prestigious COLUMBIA THEATRE
WEDNESDAY MUSIC NIGHT 7:00pm – 11:00pm
Come and listen to some of the FINEST MUSICIANS play classic rock and music from all genres! Whatever your style of music if you want to join in just bring your instruments and play in the best acoustical venue around.
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July 2013
THE FIELD TRIP
NEUROBOBIOLOGY CLASS
Two biologists are in the field following the
In neurobiology lecture today, the professor
tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of
mentioned that much of the data we were
a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush
seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He
and heads right for them. They scramble up
said, “Now, a lot of you may think leeches
the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing
are nasty creatures. The people working
up the tree after them. The first biologist
with these creatures are quite fond of them,
starts taking off his heavy leather hiking
however. It is also reported that the leeches
boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes
often become attached to the researchers.”
from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, “What in the world are you doing?”
Whiskey Worms A chemistry teacher one day decided to teach his class about the dangers of alcohol.
He replies, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”
He thought up a neat little experiment, and showed it to his class. He had two glass tumblers, one filled with clean
The second guy says, “Are you crazy? We
water, and the other with whiskey. He placed
both know you can’t outrun a full-grown
a live worm in each glass. The worm in water
grizzly bear.”
was perfectly fine, however the worm which was
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you!”
dropped in whiskey died almost instantly. Rather pleased with the experiment, he decided to ask the class what they could deduce from it. The class were silent for several seconds, until one boy at the back called out: “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
I LOST ONE Two atoms are walking down the street and
name address
they run in to each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
city Province Phone email
“No, I lost an electron!”
Postal
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2013
31
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
“Are you sure?”
Zinc.
“Yeah, I’m positive!”
What does one do if one can’t zwim?
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
Zinc.
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What is Ba(Na)2 ?
What element do women use to get dates?
Banana.
Tellurium
What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
What did the chemist say to a 1960’s girl
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs
when he passed by her in his sports car? Radon baby!
What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
Where does one put the dishes?
Barium.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
Solution from page 15
Solution from page 14
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