Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
September 2013 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 156
Dolores Kirkwood and Police Chief Dave Jones to judge seniors’ talent contest Story on P20
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
P28
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WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
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POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Piffle Index Editorial
September 2013 WASHROOM
Horoscopes by Liza ����������������������������������������������������������� 27
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed
Imperial Pharmacy Community Page �������������������������������� 9
a sign directly above the sink. It had a single
New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services ����������������������� 17
word on it: ‘Think!’
Poet’s Corner with Candice James ������������������������������������� 6 Sapperton Seniors Talent Show ��������������������������������������� 20 Sargent’s City Scene �������������������������������������������������������� 22
Glenn Jones
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser,
Funny Bones ����������������������������������������������������������������������� 4
someone had carefully lettered another sign
Meet the Jones’ ���������������������������������������������������������������� 18
which read, ‘Thoap!’
The Visitor ������������������������������������������������������������������������ 22
Piffle Fun! Chris Sargent Word Search ������������������������������������������������ 7 Circle Quirk Maze ������������������������������������������������������������� 10 CryptoCover ��������������������������������������������������������������������� 11
TWO PIECES OF MEAT A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks
Kid’s Corner with Isaiah ��������������������������������������������������� 28
the bar man for a pint and the bar man
Math Madness ������������������������������������������������������������������ 15
asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our
Number Blocks ����������������������������������������������������������������� 14
competition?”
Piffle Quiz ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 23
Advertisers BAAS Executive Offices ���������������������������������������������������� 23 Betty McIntosh, Councillor ������������������������������������������������ 5 Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators ���������������������������� 13 Burnaby Square Prescriptions ������������������������������������������� 5 Chan’s Garden ������������������������������������������������������������������ 29 The Columbia ������������������������������������������������������������������� 19 Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel ������������������������������������ 28 Dahong Pilipino Business Directory ���������������������������������� 3
The guy asks “What’s it all about?” The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.” The guy replies, “No I don’t think so mate… the steaks are too high!
Your Dollar Store With More �������������������������������������������� 17 Dunwood Place ���������������������������������������������������������������� 25 Eric C. Olsen ��������������������������������������������������������������������� 13 Filthy Phil ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 24
SLIP UP Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog poop
Fin Donnelly, MP ���������������������������������������������������������������� 4
just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls
Gabor Gasztonyi Photography ����������������������������������������� 31
over. He gets up, cleans himself and walks to
G.I. Gracey Notary Corp. �������������������������������������������������� 13
the bar and buys a drink.
Imperial Pharmacy ��������������������������������������������������������� 1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon ������������������������������������������������������������ 24
A great big man then enters the bar. He
Mac Seniors ���������������������������������������������������������������������� 25
slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up,
Monkymax Printing ���������������������������������������������������������� 17
cleans up and buys a drink.
City of New Westminster ������������������������������������������������� 32 New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club ��������������������������� 5
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying
OK Tire ����������������������������������������������������������������������������� 28
to strike up a conversation, points to the pile
One Source Productions �������������������������������������������������� 16
by the door and says, “I just did that.”
Patti’s Hair Salon �������������������������������������������������������������� 12 Peter Julian, MP ����������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar �������������������������������������� 12 The River’s Reach Pub �������������������������������������������������������� 1 Seniors Have Talent Auditions ����������������������������������������� 21 Simple Hearing Solutions ������������������������������������������������ 32 Tupperware ������������������������������������������������������������������ 5, 25 Uptown Furnishings ��������������������������������������������������������� 12 Waffle House �������������������������������������������������������������� 13, 24 West End Medicine Centre ������������������������������������������� 1, 28
The big guy punches him in the mouth.
Tramps Two Irish tramps walking past a church, and start to read the gravestones. One says, “Bloody hell, this bloke was 182!”
September 2013 “Oh yeah,” says the other. “What was his name?”
3 “Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
“Miles, from London,” replies the second tramp.
AND THEY TASTE GOOD The above footballer was speaking at a management conference: “The best thing about them,” he said, “is that they’re only two calories, and your mouth feels fresh for an hour.”
Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 yearold John Glenn’s return to space aboard the shuttle “Discovery:” 10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper. 9. Shuttle’s thermostat set at 80 degrees.
A voice from the wings was then heard, “David, we wanted you to talk about tactics.”
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay. 7. “Early Bird” specials from Luby’s Cafeteria included on menu.
HAY DAD
6. One monitor specifically designated for
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. “You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
Matlock. 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship. 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour. 3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
“No thanks,” said the young man.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
“My father wouldn’t like it.”
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.” Again the young man protested that his
QUOTE “I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
father would be upset. Losing his patience,
especially after what he achieved, winning
the clergyman said, “Your father must be a
seven tour de France races while on drugs.
real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.”
– Willie Nelson
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September 2013
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca Sales Email: sales@piffle.ca
Verne Siebert 604-763-6304
Randy Chaster 604-351-2529
Vic Leach
778-237-0052 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
piffle.ca
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013
5
THE BRAGGING AMERICAN An American farmer is on a holiday to Europe and he’s bragging to another hotel guest, also a farmer, about his property. He’s got more cattle, a bigger ranch, a bigger house, but he only seems to bore the other farmer. Finally, he really tries to impress him by saying: “When I take my car and drive all around my ranch, it takes me a whole week!”, to which the other one replies: “Yes, I had a car like that once.”
GOLFER PANTS Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one!
ATTRACTING A SQUIRREL Q: How do you attract a squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
Drive safely for the start of school! Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
“PRESERVING YOUR FUTURE” Kurt Knoblick, your local Tupperware Rep
✓ LUNCH SOLUTIONS FOR WORK AND SCHOOL ✓ BUY IT AND SAVE MONEY ✓ SELL IT AND MAKE MONEY ✓ HOST A PARTY TO GET IT FREE!
KURT KNOBLICK • tupperwarefromkurttoday@hotmail.com • 604-786-1431
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6 GROWING TALLER
POET’S CORNER with Poet La ureate New Westminster
CANDICE JAMES
Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?” Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?” Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
CATTLE COUNTER
Mending Nets
Q: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Valerie Parks ©2013
A: Cowculator
I remember
STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES
sitting on the dock
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
at the foot of 8th Street.
• I think it’s wrong that only one company
Fishing boats
makes the game Monopoly. • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You
tied up there
couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
by the dozens.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the
In those days
future, but only way off to the side.
salmon was gold,
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
the Fraser River the mother lode. I sat on the dock watching fishermen mending their nets. Green twine white needle flashing,
Valerie Parks is a poet an d pai n t er. S he has t hr ee collections of poetry published “ Walking Along The Quay”; “ W isdom of a Thousand F o o l s ”(S i l v e r B o w 2 0 11) ; and“Pathways” (Silver Bow 2 012). Her work has been included in “Pioneer News”, “ T i c k l e d b y T h u n d e r ”, “Island Treasures” and six Anthologies. email Valerie at vjsparks@shaw.ca
the movement so swift,
• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast. • I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’ • I went to a general store but they wouldn’t
looping, twisting, knotting,
let me buy anything specific.
the eye could not
• I went to a restaurant that serves
follow the process.
“breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
The gaping hole disappearing,
French Toast during the Renaissance. • I went to the museum where they had all the
a sturdy net emerging.
heads and arms from the statues that are
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
in all the other museums. • I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013
7
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page
“Good morning father,” replied the young
numbers done.
man, still focused on the plaque.
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
“Father Murphy, what is this?” Anthony
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
asked.
how would we know?
“Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
THE RUBBER BAND MAN
Soberly they stood together, staring at the
Q: What did the worker at the rubber band
large plaque.
factory say when he lost his job?
Little Anthony’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:00 or
A: Oh snap!
the 10:30?”
LITTLE ANTHONY I ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large
• 12% on Monday
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
• 23% on Tuesday
The plaque was covered with names, and
• 40% on Wednesday
small American flags were mounted on either
• 20% on Thursday
side of it. The ten year old boy had been
• 5% on Fridays
staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Anthony.”
U W B R K S G O F P Z I G S K
S C M E E N J I L L L O N R S
S A A Z I M F N X D S N W E R
D R P K I T R H V M T S Q N O
Y Z E P Y P B O B B A C O O I
P E T F E G A T F A R L X I N
S J I G Y R D H R R S U I S E
V V Y U F H T F E E E B P N S
E D L H B H V O K X V P P E P
C O N T E S T S N W Q L U P G
S N O I T I D U A W K E I G P
L M U U R K Y G H A L L P S E
Y W O O X Q W P F T L J G V L
R C P Y O C K G T N E L A T O
A G NT
U N S M U K G C Y U K L S Q E
CHRIS
AUDITIONS WORD CONTEST SEARCH FIFTYFIVE GOLD HALL KEARY LIONSCLUB PENSIONERS PERFORMERS SAPPERTON SEEKING SENIORS SILVER STARS TALENT
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September 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing
Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions. NO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TOBACCO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS HEALTH WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO
More Space + More Products + More Services HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM SAT 9AM – 4PM • SUN 9AM – 3PM
981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster
604.523.6767 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca
September 2013
OLIVET BAPTIST CHURCH STREET PARTY September 8 11:00 a.m. - 12:01 a.m. 600-700 Block of Queens Avenue Olivet Baptist Church is celebrating 135 years in the City of New Westminster. The annual street party is family friendly and open to the public.
ROYAL CITY FARMERS MARKET September 12, 19, 26 3:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m. Tipperary Park (Royal Ave & 4th St) Come join us for fresh local produce, yummy prepared foods and handmade crafts. Food trucks, free kids activities and live music at every market. For more information visit our website at www.rcfm.ca or email us atinfo@rcfm.ca
GLENBROOKE NORTH RESIDENTS’ ASSOCIATION MEETING September 12 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. New Westminster Public Libary, Plaskett Room
UNCOVER YOUR CREEKS: CITIZEN SCIENCE September 15 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. New Westminster Parks, Culture and Recreation and Evergreen have partnered to offer a two-year Parks Stewardship Program: Uncover Your Creeks: Citizen Science in Lower Hume Park where you will: • Learn about local ecology • Help manage invasive plants • Plant native plants • Monitor water quality in the Brunette River The program will start at 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. with participants meeting at the Lower Hume Park Picnic Shelter.
9
Please register for this ALL AGES FREE event by contacting Sharon Johal at sjohal@evergreen.ca or 604-689-0766 ext. 226. Jennifer Lukianchuk, Environmental Coordinator City of New Westminster 604-515-3780 Dana McDonald, Urban Ecology Project Manager Evergreen 604-689-0766 ex. 228
COME TRY RINGETTE September 21 3:15 p.m. - 4:15 p.m. Moody Park Arena Join the members of Burnaby New West Ringette for a chance to try the exciting sport of ringette. This FREE event is open to children 5-13 years old and will consist of beginner ringette drills and games. Afterwards, enjoy a snack and take home a goody bag. Free skate and helmet rentals are included and sticks will be provided. Please dress warmly and bring any equipment you have such as helmets, knee or elbow pads. All skill levels are welcome, including beginner skaters. Come join the fun!
MUSHTARI BEGUM FESTIVAL OF INDIAN CLASSICAL MUSIC & DANCE Celebrating BC and World Rivers Day Massey Theatre, 735 8th Ave Headliners: • Cassius Khan, Ghazal/Tabla • Amika Kushwaha, Kathak Dance • Also featuring Dr. Kamaljeet Gill (Classical Vocal) • Laxminarayan Ganesan (Bharatanatyam Dance) Cassius Khan, 604-375-6515 www.mushtaribegumfestival.webs.com
RED ROBINSON AND RICK CLUFF September 7 8:00 p.m. The Columbia Theatre
Step into yesteryear with Feel Good music, laughter and memories so dear. Red Robinson and Rick Cluff play DJ’s hosting a live radio variety show covering classic songs from the 40s, 50s and 60s. Featuring the songs of The Andrew Sisters, George Burns, Chubby Checker, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Louis Armstrong, The Beatles and many more.
Pre-registration is required as space is limited: www.cometryringette.ca For more information contact Anita at bnwra.promotions@gmail.com
RIVERFEST September 27 & 28 4:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Westminster Quay Boardwalk The Fraser River Discovery Centre invites you to join us in celebration of BC and World Rivers Day. In honour of the Fraser River, RiverFest will be held on the Westminster Quay boardwalk in New Westminster. The festival will consist of live entertainment; artists and artisans; community, environmental, and conservation organizations; and crafts and activities for children and their parents. This event is free to the public.
MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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10
September 2013
ENGLISH IS STUPID Lets face it English is a stupid language.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy. Of a language where a house can burn up as it burns
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the
down. And in which you fill in a form by filling it
hamburger. And neither pine nor apple in the
out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!
pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted.
English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn‘t a race at
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
all). That is why… when the stars are out they
quicksand takes you down slowly. Boxing rings
are visible. But when the lights are out they
are square and a guinea pig is neither from
are invisible.
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch,
If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing. If
it starts. But when I wind this up, it ends.
the plural of tooth is teeth. Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth. If the teacher taught, why didn‘t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the
Inventing Takes Times Jake the inventor is struggling through the air terminal with two huge and obviously heavy
heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people
suitcases when a stranger walks up to him
recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
and ask “Have you got the time?”
Park on driveways and drive on parkways…?
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one
glances at his wrist. “Its a quarter to six” he
day and as cold as hell on another.
says. Hay, that’s a pretty fancy watch,” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. I’ve been working on it for months. Check this out,” and he shows him the time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says. “The time is eleven till six,” in a Cape Cod accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Spanish then Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve also put in regional accents for each city”. The display CRYPTOGRAM CRYPTOGRAM A B C D E F G H I CRYPTOGRAM
J
A B C D E F G H I CRYPTOGRAM 20
9
4
22 17
K
L M N O P Q R S
5
T
U V W X
Z
6 N 3 12 1 23 8 11 21 10 L7 M O 13 P 19 Q R S 25 T U V W X 18 Y 16 Z
2
26 A 24 B
2 20 9 F 4 22 6 N 3 12 1 23 8 11 21 10 C D E G 17 H 5I 15 J 14 K L7 M O 13 P 19 Q R S 25 T U V W X 18 Y 16 Z
6 3 12 13 19 1 23 25 A 26 B 24 C 2D 20E 9 F 4 G22 H17 I 5 J15 K14 L7 M N O P Q R S T
26 24
2
T H E
20
9
N W S S
4
22 17
5
15 14
25 T 17 H
9 E
25 T 17 H
9 E
3 W 21 23 N S 23 S
25 17
9
3
21 23 23
25 17 1 9 9 R E
8 N 3 U
215 2312 233
7
3 W 21 23 N S 23 S
T H RE E U N N W I SO SN
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
Y
August 2013 Solution
15 J 14 K
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
25 12 24
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1
Directions: O C T O B E R This puzzle is called a Cryptogram. I've always loved doing them! At the top there is a KEY that 12 2 25 12 24 9 1 Directions: lists all the letters from A thru Z with a box below. Each of the letters has a corresponding This puzzle is called a Cryptogram. I've always loved doing them! At the top there is a KEY that Directions:
September 2013
11
is unbelievably high quality and the voice is
“I’ve got to have that watch” says the
simply astounding.
stranger.
The stranger is struck dumb with
“No, you don’t understand; its not ready.”
admiration. “That’s not all,” says Jake. He
“I’ll give you $1,000 for it”.
pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more that than.”
very high-resolution map of New York City
“I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”
appears on the display. “The flashing dot
“But it’s just not…”
shows our location by satellite positioning,”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the
explains Jake.
stranger pulls out a checkbook.
“View recede ten,” Jake says, and the
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about
display changes to show eastern New York
$8,500 into materials and development,
State.
and with $15,000 he can make another one
“I want to buy this watch,” says the
and have it ready for merchandising in only
stranger.
six months. The stranger frantically finishes
“Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet. I’m still working out the bugs.”
writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here
“But look at this,” and he proceeds to
and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
demonstrate that the watch is also a very
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he
creditable little FM radio receiver with
says, and peels off the watch.
a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
They make the exchange and the stranger
measure distances up to 125 meters, a
starts happily away. “Hay, wait a minute,”
pager with thermal paper printout, and most
calls Jake to the stranger, who turns
impressive of all, the capacity for voice
around warily. Jake points to the two
recording of up to 300 standard-sized
suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle
books. “Though I only have 32 of my most
through the terminal.
favorites in there so far,” says Jake.
CRYPTOGRAM CRYPTOGRAM A B C D E F G H I CRYPTOGRAM
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CRYPTOGRAM 19 A
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“Don’t forget your hard drive and batteries.”
K
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4 11 delivered 24 25 11 15 14 11 5 18 piffle.ca Get your Piffle early to your inbox!25Visit
13 23 21
12
September 2013 CHANGING LIGHT BULBS OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
OPEN MIC SUNDAY SEPT 15, 1-3 PM
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Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One… but the light bulb must really want to change!
ALL TALK Two racehorses were sitting in a bar one day reminiscing over their past triumphs. Both had been very successful but had recently lost form. “I was OK until three weeks ago”, said the
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13 ahead of the field by five lengths, and as we rounded the final bend I suddenly felt this intense stabbing pain all the way down my back, and I stumbled and fell. I haven’t been able to run since then either”. “Excuse me”, said a greyhound who was sitting at the bar beside the white horse. “I couldn’t help but overhear what you have been talking about. I was running in the last race at Deptford last week, leading by four lengths, and as we came into the final straight I got an intense pain down my back and I stumbled and fell. I have hardly been able to walk since then.”
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September 2013
TO THE RESCUE
amazement the little fire engine raced
One dark night outside a small town, a fire
through the chemical plant gates and drove
started inside the local chemical plant. Before
straight into the middle of the inferno. In the
long it exploded into flames and an alarm went
distance the other firemen watched as the
out to fire departments from miles around.
old timers hopped off of their rig and began
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas
to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the
are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
volunteer company had extinguished the fire
must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the
and saved the secret formulas.
engine company that brings them out safely!” As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered
Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward
the firemen to strengthen their attack on the
to $200,000 and walked over to personally
blaze. After two more hours of attacking the
thank each of the volunteers. After thanking
fire, the president of the company offered
each of the old men individually the president
$100,000 to the engine company that could
asked the group what they intended to do
bring out the company’s secret files.
with the reward money. The fire truck driver
From the distance a long siren was heard
looked him right in the eye and said, “The first
and another fire truck came into sight. It
thing we’re going to do is fix the darn brakes
was a local volunteer fire company composed
on that truck!”
entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
IT’S FUN I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
THREE BRITS There’s an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They’re being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see’s these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, “Woof Woof,” and the copper thinking it’s just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, “Meow me-ow”, he leaves this one as well thinking Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out “Potatoes Potatoes…!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
15 REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS 1. Backup: What you do when you sight a
THE CORNER STORE Went to the corner store… bought 4 corners.
skunk in the woods. 2. Bar code: Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern. 3. Bug: The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.
THE SALOON A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
4. Byte: What yer pit bull dun to cusin
PUB STORY
Jethro. 5. Cache: Needed when you go to da store.
“A dyslexic man walks into a bra…”
6. Chip: Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name. 7. Terminal: Time to call da undertaker. 8. Crash: When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
LEARNING THE SPLITS I said to the Gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?”
9. Digital: The art of counting on your
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
fingers. 10. Diskette: A female Disco dancer. 11. Hacker: Uncle Leroy after thirty years of
UP ON THE ROOF Two aerials meet on a roof… fall in love… get married. The ceremony was OK. But the
smoking. 12. Hardcopy: Picture looked at when
reception was brilliant.
selecting tattoos. 13. Internet: Where cafeteria workers put their hair. 14. Keyboard: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
15. Mac: Big Bob’s favorite fast food. 16. Megahertz: How your head feels after seventeen beers. 17. Modem: What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. 18. Mouse pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live. 19. Network: Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line. 20. Online: Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. 21. ROM: Where the pope lives. 22. Screen: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. 23. Serial port: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
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16
Get Noticed !
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY 1. Artery: Study of paintings. 2. Bacteria: Back door of cafeteria. 3. Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails. 4. Bowel: Letter like A.E.I.O.U. 5. Caesarean section: District in Rome. 6. Cat scan: Searching for kitty. 7. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. 8. Colic: Sheep dog. 9. Coma: A punctuation mark. 10. Congenital: Friendly. 11. D&C: Where Washington is. 12. Diarrhea: Journal of daily events. 13. Dilate: To live long. 14. Enema: Not a friend. 15. Fester: Quicker. 16. Fibula: A small lie. 17. G.I. Series: Soldiers’ ball game. 18. Grippe: Suitcase. 19. Hangnail: Coathook. 20. Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
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21. Intense pain: Torture in a teepee. 22. Labor pain: Got hurt at work. 23. Medical staff: Doctor’s cane. 24. Morbid: Higher offer. 25. Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate. 26. Node: Was aware of. 27. Outpatient: Person who had fainted. 28. Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis. 29. Post operative: Letter carrier. 30. Protein: Favoring young people. 31. Rectum: It almost killed him. 32. Recovery room: Place to do upholstery. 33. Rheumatic: Amorous. 34. Scar: Rolled tobacco leaf. 35. Secretion: Hiding anything. 36. Seizure: Roman emperor. 37. Serology: Study of knighthood. 38. Tablet: Small table.
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39. Terminal illness: Sickness at airport. 40. Tibia: Country in North Africa.
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The two leading causes of fire deaths and injuries among older adults are smoking materials and the misuse of portable space heaters. • Smokers should have a designated area away from upholstered materials, such as the kitchen table. • Never smoke in bed while reading — it is too easy to fall asleep and print materials are highly flammable. • Sleep with the bedroom door closed in order to provide more time to escape if a fire occurs. • Keep space heaters well-ventilated and at least three feet away from flammable materials. Unplug space heaters when not in use. • Extension cords are for temporary use only and should not be used with a space heater or electric blanket. • Never run electrical cords under a carpet or rug.
SMOKE ALARMS CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE!
Smoke alarms are inexpensive and easy to install. For assistance with the location and installation of smoke alarms, call your local fire department. • Ensure there is a working smoke alarm on every floor of the home and outside every sleeping area. • Have a friend or relative test your smoke alarm while you are asleep to ensure you can hear it. • Once a month, test the battery by pushing the test button and drift smoke from a snuffed out candle into the alarm. • Once a year, change the battery. • To clean the smoke alarm, open the cover and gently vacuum the unit with a soft brush attachment. • Replace smoke alarms if they are more than 10 years old.
FIRE ESCAPE PLANNING SAVES LIVES
• Develop and practice a fire escape plan. Be sure to include all hallways and stairs. • Know 2 ways out of every room and how to escape from all levels.
Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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September 2013 MOTHER’S DICTIONARY
13. Prenatal: When your life was still
1. Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
somewhat your own. 14. Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in
2. Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
terms. 15. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into
3. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
it. 16. Show off: A child who is more talented
4. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. 5. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
than yours. 17. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it. 18. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
6. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything. 19. Temper tantrums: What you should keep
7. Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
8. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right. 9. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
20. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. 21. Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
10. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
22. Verbal: Able to whine in words. 23. Whodunit: None of the kids that live in
11. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. 12. Look out: What it’s too late for your child
your house. 24. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
to do by the time you scream it.
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013 MISCELLANEOUS TERMS 1. Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. 2. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. 3. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. 4. Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. 5. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. 6. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
“Eh mate,” says the stranger, “can you give us a push??” “no, take off, it’s half three. I was in bed” says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to take off?” So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed,
Workers who put together kitchen
and goes downstairs. He opens the door,
cabinets.
and not being able to see the stranger
7. Eclipse \e-klips’\: What an English barber does for a living. 8. Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 9. Heroes \hee’-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. 10. Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. 11. Misty \mis’-tee\: How golfers create divots. 12. Paradox \par’-uh-doks\: Two physicians. 13. Parasites \par’-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. 14. Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. 15. Polarize \po’-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
ENGLAND SWINGS This bloke’s in bed with his missus when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that” says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.
anywhere he shouts: “Eh mate, do you still want a push.” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please mate.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?” He replies, “I’m over here on the swings.”
Cov er Story
September 2013
Sapperton Seniors Talent Show:
Seniors Have Talent by Gabor Gasztonyi
Chief Constable Dave Jones on board as judge for talent show
T
he audition times are set, and the Sapperton Old Age Pensioners Association are inviting all local seniors with talent to come out and audition on Sunday September 15, at the Pensioners Hall at 318 Keary Street. Times are from 1-3 and
4-6 p.m. Our Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell look a likes, long time dance celebrity and choreographer of the Royal City Youth Ballet Dolores Kirkwood and New Westminster Police Chief Dave Jones will be on hand as judges and will judiciously be selecting rising stars, or senior idols for the official performance on Saturday October 5th. Although Ms. Kirkwood has had her hand in teaching and mentoring many talented dancers and singers Chief Jones has chosen to take up the difficult task of selecting talent, even though his expertise lies mostly with sports, namely soccer. Dolores will of course give him a few tips. We hope they will not argue over any of the selections or be rude
to the prospective performers a la Simon Cowell. But we will have to wait and see. Speaking with Vic Leach the organizer of this event I was amazed that you are a senior at 55 years of age and that just makes me want to try out myself, even though I am not much of a singer. Chris Sargent being quite a few years older than me might try out as well, as he is remarkably skilled at telling jokes. Singing is not something he is skilled at either and dancing certainly is another story for both of us. The Sapperton Old Age Pensioners Association is inviting all members of New Westminster’s Seniors community to come out and audition and have a bit of fun with the continued on page 26
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
New Westminster Lions Club &
Sapperton Old Age Pensioners Assoc.
Present
ve Talen a H s r o i t! Sen
Auditions Sunday, September 15 2013 th
1:00 - 3:00 pm 4:00 - 6:00 pm Sapperton Pensioners Hall 318 Keary St., New Westminster
Must be 55+ of age. Singers, musicians, dancers, short story tellers, comediennes, poets or other types of entertainment. Singles, duos, trios or quartets welcome. Maximum time limit is 4.5 minutes.
Event date: Sat., Oct. 5 2013 1:30 - 4:30 pm Cash Prizes!
Info: Sapperton Pensioners 604-522-0280 www.e-clubhouse.org/sites/newwestminsterlionsclubca
22
September 2013
Sargent’s City Scene
City of New Westminster Launches Mobile Optimized Website The City of New Westminster is pleased to announce the launch of an optimized version of the City’s website — www. newwestcity.ca — formatted specifically for viewing on mobile devices. The mobile website includes all the same content
available on the desktop website, but features streamlined navigation to facilitate browsing on all smartphones and tablets. Users will automatically be redirected to the optimized site when accessing the City’s website from their mobile device. “As more individuals use mobile devices to access information, having a mobile-friendly website for the City of New Westminster is essential to ensure we stay connected to residents, businesses and visitors” said Acting Mayor Jonathan Cote. “The City’s website is the primary source our residents turn to for civic information, and the new mobile site will make it even more accessible.” The goal of the new mobile site is to provide users with an intuitive, convenient, and improved experience in accessing information from the City of New West-
minster website and encourage community engagement through the venue that many citizens prefer — online. In 2013 alone, over 64,000 users accessed the City of New Westminster website using mobile devices and tablets. This number is anticipated to grow with the introduction of the new mobile site. The mobile website is the latest initiative in the City’s strategy to incorporate new mobile technology into its customer service and communication efforts including social media, e-newsletters, digital signage, YouTube, and mobile apps. In 2012, the City of New Westminster launched ‘MyWaste’, the City’s first mobile app that offers residents garbage and recycling information, the ability to report a problem, and customized collection date reminders. The City also plans to introduce another mobile app in fall 2013.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013
Draft Queensborough Plan: Tell the City what you think! The City has released a draft of the Queensborough Community Plan. Residents, business owners and other people who have an interest in the community are all invited to review the draft document and tell us what you think. The draft plan and a survey for you to provide feedback can be found on the City’s webpage: www.newwestcity.ca/queensborough. Hardcopies of both can also be found at the Queensborough Branch Library and the New Westminster Public Library. Please submit your completed survey to Lynn Roxburgh before Monday, September 16, 2013: By Mail Planning Division 511 Royal Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 1H9 By Email lroxburgh@newwestcity.ca Online Survey Follow the link at www.newwestcity.ca/queensborough For more information please call Lynn Roxburgh at 604-515-3805 or visit the Queensborough webpage (listed above). end
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24
September 2013 BIG FEET There were 3 sisters… Maud, Doris & Fanny who went clubbing every weekend in search of a man. They’d been going to the same club for 6 years, and hadn’t had any luck at all! Maud & Doris were having a chat one night, and decided to put their lack of pulling power down to their sister Fanny, who had absolutely enormous feet. So one night they went off down the local club without Fanny. Surely enough after a few minutes Maud & Doris had pulled the most gorgeous blokes in the club! They invited the lucky lads back to their house for coffee… on the way back one lad said to Maud, “You don’t mind me saying, but you two sisters have awfully large feet!”
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“Large feet”, said Doris, “if you think we’ve got large feet, wait ‘til you see our Fanny’s!”
BUMP A man was walking home alone one night
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when he hears… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way
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The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly… after… faster… faster!
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Dunwood
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BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… At the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything… all he can find is a bottle of
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Vicks Formula 44. Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin… and… of course the coffin stops.
THE PRISON HOSPITAL Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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26
September 2013
judges as well as the other participants. We are looking for people who can play a musical instrument, sing, dance, recite a few lines of poetry, act, tell jokes and simply just enjoy entertaining people in front of an audience with their own personal talents. I am sure New Westminster is full of seniors ready to jump in and take on this challenge. We hope to have twelve contestants for the final performance taking place on Saturday October the 5th at 1:30 p.m. The first place winner in the Talent show will receive a prize of $200 cash and the second place winner will take home $100 and last but not least the third most talented senior will pocket $50. And
addition there will also be bonus prizes given out to all winners. Not a bad bit of prize money, even better than the prize money for the last rodeo I went to up in the Chilcotin. Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall is conveniently located on Keary Street a block up from Columbia, a short walk from Sapperton Sky Train Station. Or better yet take your car its only a 5 minute drive from the North end of Patullo Bridge and near the Brunette Exit as well off Hwy 1.
Head of the Class Jokes
Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the
Q: How do you get straight A’s?
pencil?
A: By using a ruler!
A: Stop going in circles and get to the
continued from page 20
For further information please call: 604-522-0280 or look us up on the web: www.e-clubhouse.org/ sites/newwestminsterlionsclubca
point! Q: What did the pen say to the pencil? A: So, what’s your point!
Q: How does the barber cut the moon’s hair? A: E-clipse it!
Q: Why did the kid study in the airplane? A: Because he wanted a higher education!
Q: What holds the sun up in the sky? A: Sunbeams!
Q: How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom?
Q: What happened when the wheel was
A: His keys were inside the piano!
invented? A: It caused a revolution!
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do librarians take with them when
A: The elf-abet!
they go fishing? Q: What did you learn in school today?
A: Bookworms
A: Not enough, I have to go back Q: What is the world’s tallest building?
tomorrow!
A: The library because it has the most Q: What object is king of the classroom?
stories.
A: The ruler! Q: What vegetables to librarians like? Q: When do astronauts eat?
A: Quiet peas.
A: At launch time!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013 TOM JONES SYNDROME “Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green
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Grass of Home’.” He said, “That sounds like ‘Tom Jones syndrome’.” “Is it common,” I asked “It’s not unusual.”
A COUPLE OF PINTS, PLEASE A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
IS SHE FEELING BETTER? Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
GO FLY ONE I went to the doctors the other day and I said, “Have you got anything for wind?” So he
SEPTEMBER 2013 ARIES: Jupiter offers you blessings this month in your house of money. Just be sure what you buy is really what you want. Wasting money is not a good idea. TAURUS: Self discovery plays a major role for you during this time. As does self indulgence. You express yourself in grandiose way and others are attracted to you.
gave me a kite.
GEMINI: Spiritual and religious values may seem to take center stage. You may see the world through compassionate eyes and want to do something about it.
CHOICES
CANCER: Friends and groups play an important role in your life during this time. Whatever you put out at this time will come back in great quantities.
Wife: Do you want dinner? Wife: Yes or no.
LEO: Authority figures see you in a positive light during this time. You can expect promotions and recognition for your hard work.
Guy Phrases
VIRGO: Travel and higher learning take center stage. People of ethnic races and different cultures play a major role during this time. Think and achieve.
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
1. “It’s a guy thing.” really means… “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” 2. “Can I help with dinner?” really means... “Why isn’t it already on the table?” 3. “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” really means... Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. 4. “It would take too long to explain.” really means... “I have no idea how it works.” 5. “I’m getting more exercise lately.” really means... “Batteries in the remote are dead.”
LIBRA: Your likely to benefit from other people’s resources during this time. Loans will become available. You may seek insight from mystical literature. SCORPIO: Partnerships both professionally and personally benefit you during this time. Now is not a good time to go at it alone. Ask and you shall receive. SAGITTARIUS: Now is a good time to quit those nasty habits. Improvements in your daily life take place. Avoid any kind of over indulgence. CAPRICORN: Self expression takes center stage. Creativity and artistic abilities are also highlighted during this time. Take some time to have fun. AQUARIUS: You may seek peace and security within your home-life. If planning on purchasing a new home all will go well. Family will be of great assistance. PISCES: You want to share your ideas and so you shall. Say what is on your mind, others are ready and willing to listen. Siblings play an important role.
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28
September 2013
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don’t wear a belt!
Q: Why was the music teacher not able to open his class room?
Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many are left?
Q: What do you call a boy with a dictionary in his pocket?
A: One, they were all copy cats.
A: Smartie Pants!
A teacher once asked a boy, “Where is the Dead Sea?”
Q: What’s the best place to grow flowers in school?
The boy replied, “Miss, I never knew it was sick.”
A: In kindergarden.
Q: What flies around the kindergarten room at night? A: The alpha-BAT. A teacher asked a girl, “How was the Red Sea formed?”
A: Because his keys were on the piano.
Q: Why did the clock go to the principal’s office? A: For tocking too much! Q: What did the student say to the math worksheet?
Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?
Q: Why did the teacher go to the beach?
A: Student: May, it only has three letters.
Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have? Student: Big hands!
604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca
A: I’m not a therapist, solve your own problems!
The girl said, “Sorry Miss, I don’t know who painted it.”
A: To test the water.
Honestly driven.
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Q: Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at John’s exam? A: Student: I hope you didn’t either.
The Fraser River
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2013
29
The Magician A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
Just 4 Kids Q: Why did the dog go to court? A: Because he got a barking ticket! Q: Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
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30
September 2013
The Donkey
“How could you make that much money off of
One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would
a dead donkey?” the farmer wanted to know. The boy said, “I didn’t tell anyone he was
pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to
dead at first. I just put up signs around town
his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the
that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful
donkey the next day but when he arrived at
donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00
the boy’s house there was no donkey. He told
and I sold 200 tickets.”
the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money
“Wait a minute”, said the farmer, “you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200
back. “I’m afraid I have already spent the
tickets at $5.00 each that’s $1,000.00.
money,” the farmer said.
After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me
“Well, then just give me the donkey,” said the boy.
you should have made $900.00.” “You’re right,” said the boy, “But when the
“What are you going to do with a dead
winner found out the donkey was dead he
donkey,” asked the farmer. The boy told the
was a little upset so I gave him his money
farmer he would think of something, so the
back.” (The boy grew up and became the
farmer delivered the donkey the next day.
CEO of Enron.)
The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. “I made $895.00 off of that
Giddy Up One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same
thing,” the boy said.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
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September 2013
31
girl. “No,” replied the friend. “She wasn’t
with one ear half chewed off and clumps
the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just
of fur missing. What really caught the
the other day she decided to ride a horse
collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was
for the first time. Without any instruction
drinking from. It was a rare antique worth
she hopped on and took off at full gallop.
thousands. He walks in the store and
Everything was fine for a minute until she
offers $20.00 for the cat.
started losing her grip and began sliding
“He’s not for sale,” says the store owner.
down the side of the horse. She started
“That’s ridiculous,” says the collector. “He
grasping desperately at the reigns and the
is one of the ugliest cats I’ve seen. He must
horse’s mane. The horse kept it’s pace up as
be for sale. I’ll give you $100.00 for him.”
she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse’s hooves pounding away inches from her head. The horse might have killed her
The store owner thought for a second and said “It’s a deal.” The connoisseur hands the store owner
if it were not for an alert Wal-mart greeter
the money, which he quickly pockets, and
who ran over and unplugged the thing!”
as he starts out the store asks, “For that price I’m sure you wont mind sending
Milk Money An art connoisseur passed a little
that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it.”
grocery in New York when he noticed
The store owner says “No way. That’s my
a kitten on the front step lapping up
lucky bowl. From that bowl I’ve sold 26 cats
some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy
this week!”
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