October 2013 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 157
Prevent Kitchen Fires… that’s the message of this year’s Fire Prevention Week from Fire Chief Tim Armstrong.
See feature on P10 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
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421 - 6th Street, New Westminster 604-553-3421
info@newwestorganic.ca www.newwestorganic.ca
Piffle Index Editorial Horoscopes by Liza ����������������������������������������������������������� 27
October 2013 Turkey Farmer An industrious turkey farmer was always
Imperial Pharmacy Community Page �������������������������������� 9
experimenting with breeding to perfect a
New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services ������������������17, 21
better turkey.
Poet’s Corner with Candice James ������������������������������������� 6 Prevent Kitchen Fires ������������������������������������������� 10, 11, 20
His family was fond of the leg portion for
Sargent’s City Scene �������������������������������������������� 22, 23, 30
dinner and there were never enough legs for
Glenn Jones
everyone. After many frustrating attempts,
Funny Bones ����������������������������������������������������������������������� 4
the farmer was relating the results of his
Meet the Jones’ ���������������������������������������������������������������� 18
efforts to his friends at the general store get
The Visitor ������������������������������������������������������������������������ 22
together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey
Piffle Fun!
that has 6 legs!”
Chris Sargent Word Search ���������������������������������������������� 19 Circle Quirk Maze ������������������������������������������������������������� 10 CryptoCover ��������������������������������������������������������������������� 11 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah ��������������������������������������������������� 28
They all asked the farmer how it tasted. “I don’t know” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”
Math Madness ������������������������������������������������������������������ 15 Number Blocks ����������������������������������������������������������������� 14 Pictograph by Ross Hood ������������������������������������������������� 31
‘Thanks’ for These Jokes
Piffle Quiz ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 18
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey
Advertisers
hunter?
BAAS Executive Offices ���������������������������������������������������� 23
A: “Quack! Quack! Quack!”
Betty McIntosh, Councillor ������������������������������������������������ 5 Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators ���������������������������� 24 Burnaby Square Prescriptions ������������������������������������������� 5
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most
Chan’s Garden ������������������������������������������������������������������ 32
feathers?
The Columbia ������������������������������������������������������������������� 18
A: The outside!
Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel ������������������������������������ 32 Dahong Pilipino Business Directory ���������������������������������� 3 Dive & Sea ������������������������������������������������������������������������ 13 Your Dollar Store With More �������������������������������������������� 20
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? A: To hatchet.
Dunwood Place ���������������������������������������������������������������� 25 Filthy Phil ������������������������������������������������������������������������� 30 Fin Donnelly, MP ���������������������������������������������������������������� 4
Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on
Fun Promo �������������������������������������������������������������������������� 7
Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Gabor Gasztonyi Photography ����������������������������������������� 31
A: It simply wants to run away.
G.I. Gracey Notary Corp. �������������������������������������������������� 13 Imperial Pharmacy ��������������������������������������������������������� 1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon ������������������������������������������������������������ 13
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving
Mac Seniors ������������������������������������������������������������������������ 5
Day?
Monkymax Printing ���������������������������������������������������������� 20
A: God save the kin.
New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club ��������������������������� 5 New West Organic �������������������������������������������������������� 1, 29 OK Tire ����������������������������������������������������������������������������� 32
Q: What did the mama turkey say to her
One Source Productions �������������������������������������������������� 16
naughty son?
Patti’s Hair Salon �������������������������������������������������������������� 16
A: If your papa could see you now, he’d
Peter Julian, MP ����������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar �������������������������������������� 13
turn over in his gravy!
The River’s Reach Pub �������������������������������������������������������� 1 Simple Hearing Solutions ������������������������������������������������ 29 Tupperware ���������������������������������������������������������������������� 25 Uptown Furnishings ��������������������������������������������������������� 12 Waffle House �������������������������������������������������������������� 17, 24 West End Medicine Centre ������������������������������������������� 1, 32
Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church? A: Because they use such FOWL language.
October 2013
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Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have
A: The turkey trot.
in common? A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.
Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Q: What did the turkey say before it was
A: Yes… a building can’t jump at all.
roasted? A: Boy! I’m stuffed!
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Q: What would you get if you crossed a
A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
turkey with an octopus? A: Eight feather dusters!
Q: How can you make a turkey float? A: You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some
Q: What do monsters have on their
root beer, and a turkey.
Thanksgiving table? A: Knives, Forks and Goons.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving
A: The outside
dinner? A: The turKEY.
Q: After Thanksgiving dinner, where did the pilgrims put their trash?
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do
A: In the Mayflower Compact-Tor.
May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had the drumsticks.
Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: Your nose.
A: They suspected it of fowl play. Q: On which holiday do you pay a lot of jokes Q: What do policemen eat on thanksgiving?
on thanksgiving?
A: Corn on the cap.
A: Pranks-giving.
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4
October 2013
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca Sales Email: sales@piffle.ca
Verne Siebert 604-763-6304
Randy Chaster 604-351-2529
Vic Leach
778-237-0052 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
piffle.ca
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2013
5
A MATH FUNNY I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.
MIGHT BE BOOZE Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.” Patient: “That’s ok. I will come back when you are sober.”
NOT A GOOD TIME TO CALL MY CELL My buddy phoned me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?” I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
THAT’S HOW TO FIND WILL SMITH Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: By searching for Fresh Prints.
INK I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, but taller.
FIRE HYDRANTS I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near it.
A MYSTERY “I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.”
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
Enjoy the Season of
Thanksgiving
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
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6 NOODLES
POET’S CORNER with Poet La ureate New Westminster
CANDICE JAMES
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta.
THE SCARECROW WINS Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: He was outstanding in his field.
Autumn
Franci Louann ©2013
DRUMS Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Duh dum chh.
autumn yes it’s autumn
DAD’S JOB I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
advantages appear; she can no longer say
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
MY FRIENDS EYEBROWS
she’s early-middle-aged middle-middle-aged or even late middle-aged…
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. The German replies: ‘No, just a holiday.’
yes it’s autumn; spring and summer
THERE GOES THE SMILE
gone! too soon for winter! it’s autumn!
A ROYAL GAS
Q: What’s red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick.
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.
Franci Louann is a co-founder and busy ‘feature and publicity manager’ for New Westminster’s Poetic Justice, which takes place on Sunday afternoons. Recently her poems were included in Silver Bow Publishing anthologies, Jack Layton: Art in Action (Quattro Books), Grace, Grit and Gusto—Profiles of Remarkable Royal City Women (Vivalogue) and Beautiful Women (Lipstick Press). She has a poetry chapbook, Beach Cardiology (Lipstick Press 2010) and Franci established her own Horse of Course Press in 2006.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
“Oh dear,” said the Queen, “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.” “It’s quite understandable,” said the archbishop, and after a moment added, “as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.”
THE SONS An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2013 My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the Englishman. “So we obviously decided to call him George.” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call
7
sat NOV 9, 11AM-4PM Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
him Andrew.” “That’s incredible, what a coincidence,” said the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”
SMILES IS AD M
Q: What is the longest word in the English
S IO
N
0 0 REE . $3 ER 12 F
language? A: “Smiles”. Because there is a mile
KI D
between its first and last letters!
ND SU
THE TALKING FROG A marine engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the marine engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an marine engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
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October 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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October 2013
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SENIORS HAVE TALENT!
Sapperton Pensioners Hall October 5, 12:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m. An event put on by the Sapperton O.A. Pensioners & New Westminster Lions Club $16. for adults; $12. for seniors (55 & over) & students and children 5 & under Free. If you come by public transit – bus, SkyTrain, or a group in a bus, or if you come by bicycle, you will receive $2.00 back.
IMBY FAIR & SENIOR’S FESTIVAL
This year the IMBY (in my backyard) Resources Fair and the Senior’s Festival are combining their presentations. The IMBY Fair showcases many of the resources and services available to seniors in our community, and the Senior’s Festival celebrates all the contributions that seniors make to the community. Saturday, October 5, 11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Century House, 620 - 8th Street It would be very helpful to have volunteers available to man (or woman) the Century House table, show visitors around the building, and direct visitors to the various exhibits. If you are able to help out in any of these areas, please sign up at the offi ce or call Shelly at 604-519-1066.
HOLLYWOOD COMES TO NEW WESTMINSTER TO FIGHT CANCER Thursday, October 10 Reception: 6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. Movie: 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. Landmark Cinema at Shops at New West Station, 390-800 Carnarvon Street
Tickets $25.00 include only lower mainland screening of the movie The Hot Flashes featuring Brooke Shields and an all-star cast who raise funds to keep a mobile mammography unit operating in their community, a glass of Hot Flash™ wine from House of Rose Winery, sweets, coffee/tea, door prizes and a raffl e during the reception. 100% of all proceeds go to the Canadian Cancer Society. Tickets can be purchased now online at www.thehotfl ashes.eventbrite.ca. Email: b2bnewwest@gmail.com Phone: 604-525-2631 www.b2bnownewwest.com
NEW WEST SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS OF 1969 Join with old friends and fellow student at the River’s Reach Pub, 320 6th Street, on Saturday October 19 starting at 2:00 p.m. for a grad year get together. For further information, email lavernembloxom@hotmail.com
HYACK FOOTBALL TAILGATE AUCTION The Hyacks off-fi eld highlight of the season will be held at La Perla Ballroom, 810 Quayside Drive, on October 26 and features an incredible array of prizes, wine-tasting and a tribute to the B.C. Lions’ 60th anniversary. Sponsored this year by the River Market at Westminster Quay, the Tailgate Auction will see 150 of New Westminster’s most prominent and civic-minded business people — the Mayor and City Council members, Hyack alumni and community philanthropists — mix and mingle at this networking/social event. The proceeds raise over 30 per cent of the high school and community football programs’ costs to train coaches, purchase equipment and uniforms and host and travel to football camps and specialized training seminars.
Modern Square Dancing offers you a fun atmosphere while you enjoy good music and you meet new friends. For a free try-out on Mondays October 7, 21 or 28 at 7.30 p.m. come and join us. Info Roy & Janet 604-939-2789.
REPORTING APP The City of New Westminster has launched a FREE mobile app that allows Citizens to report non-emergency issues (potholes, graffiti, parks maintenance, etc.) directly to the City. Users can take a picture of an issue, pinpoint the location through GPS, and provide relevant details to a report. The report is then forwarded to an appropriate City Department for action including updates on the status of the issue until it is “fi xed”. The City is excited to offer this service to the public and looks forward to interacting with citizens and working with residents in improving our city. See Click Fix can be downloaded for FREE in the App Store for iPhone and Android users. Reports can also be made though the City website at www.newwestcity.ca, on the City Facebook page at www.facebook.com/ newwestminster, and at www.seeclickfix. com/can_new-westminster
Dal Palmer at dalandfi sh@gmail.com or 604-803-3257
THE VAGABOND PLAYERS PRESENTS “LET’S MURDER MARSHA” October 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13,17, 18, 19, 20, 24, 25, 26; 8:00 p.m. By Monk Ferris, Directed by Dwayne Campbell The Bernie Legge Theatre, Queen’s Park Tickets: $15, Seniors/Students: $13 Two-for-one previews on October 3 & 4 Reservations: 604-521-0412, or book by email: reservations@vagabondplayers.ca
DANCE FOR FUN Mondays October 7, 21 or 28 at 7.30 p.m. 3680 Lozells, Burnaby
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
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fe at u r e story
October 2013
“ Prevent Kitchen Fires” — that’s the message of this year’s Fire Prevention Week
T
he men and women at New Westminster Fire & Rescue are always working hard to protect the community of New Westminster, and are currently very busy preparing for the annual Open House on Saturday the 5th of October. I would like to cordially invite you to join us at our event, our kickoff to Fire Prevention Week, 2013. From October 6-12, we’ll be spreading the word that more fires start in the kitchen than in any other part of the home—and we’ll help teach people how to keep cooking fires from starting in the first place. Fire Prevention Week was established to commemorate the Great Chicago Fire, the tragic 1871 conflagration that killed more than 250 people, left 100,000 homeless, destroyed more than 17,400
structures and burned more than 2,000 acres. The fire began on October 8, but continued into and did most of its damage on October 9, 1871. Closer to home, on Saturday September 10, 1898 at 11:00 p.m., the Hyack Brigade received a call that brought firefighters to the B & K wharf on Front Street. Fire had originated in several tons of hay stored on this wharf, which extended approximately 200 feet along the waterfront After the last flames of fire were extinguished the entire portion of the City from Royal Avenue to the waterfront had been ravaged, and the lower westerly portion known as the Swamp (Chinatown) had been completely swept bare. Within a week of the Great Fire businesses were operating in temporary quarters and the fire loss was assessed at 2½ million dollars. Our fire-rescue staff currently provide services which range from fire-fighting and rescue, to medical help, to extricating victims from car accidents to rescuing a cat from a tree just recently. As well, we perform regular inspections of businesses and multi-family residences, and conduct fire investigations and more importantly — provide educational sessions to groups in the community. Once an emergency has been taken care of, the staff of the department works closely with partner agencies, the New Westminster PoCRYPTOGRAM CRYPTOGRAM A B C D E F G H I CRYPTOGRAM
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September 2013 Solution
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S A P P SE I R L T V OE NR 4
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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Directions: Mainland S E P T E M B E R 1 5 T H Serving Smiles to the Lower This puzzle is called a Cryptogram. I've always loved doing them! At the top there is a KEY that 4 11 24 25 11 15 14 11 5 25 18 Directions: lists all the letters from A thru Z with a box below. Each of the letters has a corresponding
October 2013
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lice Service, and the Emergency Social Services to support the citizens impacted by the emergency to get their lives back to normal. This past summer fire crews responded to a fire in an apartment building which was getting dangerously close to being out of control. Once crews arrived, the fire was put out and all residents safely evacuated and cared for until the building was certified safe to move back into. The kitchen is often the very center of our homes, a place where we gather to talk, cook and eat. That’s why it is so important that the kitchen be accessible to individuals with a wide range of physical abilities. The good news: adapting your kitchen for maximum accessibility need not be prohibitively expensive or require top-to-bottom renovations. Here are some tips and design elements that can help make your kitchen a place for everyone. Easy to Reach Most kitchen cabinets are placed 1½ feet above the countertop. Placing them closer to the counter makes them easier to reach. Easier still: add a freestanding storage cabinet. Lots of Light Make sure that your kitchen has sufficient lighting to eliminate safety risks. Hardware Helpers Replace fixtures on cabinets or drawers with large easy-to-grasp “D” handles. (Hint: they’re called “D” handles because they’re shaped like the letter “D.”)
CRYPTOGRAM
• Cooking is the leading cause home fires and home fire injuries, followed heating equipment. Smoking is a leading cause of civilian home fire deaths. • On average, Fire Departments in North America responded to an estimated annual average of 156,600 cooking-related fires between 2007-2011, resulting in 400 civilian deaths, 5,080 civilian injuries and $853 million in direct damage. • Two of every five home fires start in the kitchen. • Unattended cooking was a factor in 34% of reported home cooking fires. • Two-thirds of home cooking fires started with ignition of food or other cooking materials. • Ranges accounted for the 58% of home cooking fire incidents. Ovens accounted for 16%. • Children under five face a higher risk of nonfire burns associated with cooking than being burned in a cooking fire. • Microwave ovens are one of the leading home products associated with scald burn injuries not related to fires. Nearly half (44%) of the microwave oven injuries seen at emergency rooms in 2011 were scald burns. A number of other very important considerations that will be highlighted this week and should be considered every day of the continued on page 20
Can you unscramble the Piffle CryptoCover? HINT: A clue can be found in the cover story. Find the solution the next issue X of Piffl J K L M N O P Q R S T inU V W Ye Magazine. Z
CRYPTOGRAM A B C D E F G H
The focus of Fire Prevention Week this year is to Prevent Kitchen Fires. Some facts that are important to be aware of regarding kitchen fires include:
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21
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11
20
15
__ __ A __ __ 1
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3
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1
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6
2
12
October 2013
CHICKEN COOPS
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Q: Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
A: Because if it had 4 it would be a
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
chicken sedan.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
IT’S ALL IN HOW YA ALL HEARS THE QUESTION
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck.
1st American: Where did your mother come
the farwood.
from?
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to
2nd American: Alaska.
carry too much farwood.
1st American: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time.
DIFFERENT VIEWS
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time.
An English teacher wrote these words on
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold
the whiteboard: “woman without her man
outside.
is nothing”. The teacher then asked the
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly
students to punctuate the words correctly.
season.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
BYTE: What them dang flies do. MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
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13 MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife. LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
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MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
NOW I’M A BELIEVER When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees,
40 Years
I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
LISTEN TO THIS Q: What kind of ears does an engine have? A: Engineers
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14
October 2013
A KILLER JIGSAW PUZZLE A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
WHAT’S UP, DOC? A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her neighbor decides to go over and help
says, “What is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then
TRUMPED UP General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
The new boss was determined to rid the
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not
company of all slackers. On a tour of the
going to be able to assemble these pieces
facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
into anything resembling a rooster.”
against a wall. The room was full of workers
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I
and he wanted to let them know that he
want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of
meant business. He asked the guy, “How
tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh…
much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
I THINK Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. ¨I think not,¨ he replies… and disappears. Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
THE TERMITE A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
15 CROOKS
HOLLY ONE
Q: Did you hear about the two guys that stole
One day, a pastor decides to skip church
a calendar?
and go play golf. God and Jesus are sitting
A: They both got 6 months!
up in Heaven watching this happen. God turns to Jesus and says “Watch this.”
ENOUGH
He twirls his finger, and the pastor hits a very
Q: How many eggs are there in a French
difficult hole-in one.
omelet?
Jesus is upset and asks God, “why did you
A: Just one, because one egg is un oeuf.
do that?” God grins and says “who’s he gonna tell?”
SNIFF Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”
MADNESS Two cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: “What do you think
SEE YA LATTER Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
about that mad cow disease?” The other cow responds: “What do I care? “I’m a helicopter!”
A: Bison.
THE CANNIBAL SOUNDS LIKE Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A cannibal once passed his brother in the woods.
A: A carrot
THE PROM A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punch line.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
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16
Get Noticed !
SORRY An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a
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Signs & Banners
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Namebadges, ID Cards, Room Signs, Door Plaques
Trophies & Awards
Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a
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17 Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi,
THE CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE & RESCUE SERVICES REMINDS NEW WESTMINSTER RESIDENTS TO ‘PREVENT KITCHEN FIRES’ It’s time for FIRE PREVENTION WEEK, and from October 6-12, the New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services is joining forces with the nonprofit National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) to remind local residents to ‘Prevent Kitchen Fires.’ During this year’s fire safety campaign, fire departments will be spreading the word about the dangers of kitchen fires — most of which result from unattended cooking — and teaching local residents how to prevent kitchen fires from starting in the first place. According to the latest NFPA research, cooking is the leading cause of home fires. Two of every five home fires begin in the kitchen—more than any other place in the home. Cooking fires are also the leading cause of home fire-related injuries. “Often when we’re called to a fire that started in the kitchen, the residents tell us that they only left the kitchen for a few minutes,” said Kathy Ius, Community Outreach Coordinator. “Sadly, that’s all it takes for a dangerous fire to start. We hope that Fire Prevention Week will help us reach folks in the community before they’ve suffered a damaging lesson.”
a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese,
Among the safety tips that firefighters and safety advocates will be emphasizing:
a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan,
• Stay in the kitchen when you are frying, grilling, broiling, or boiling food.
a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a
• If you must leave the room, even for a short period of time, turn off the stove.
Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
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636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
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• When you are simmering, baking, or roasting food, check it regularly, stay in the home, and use a timer to remind you. • If you have young children, use the stove’s back burners whenever possible. Keep children and pets at least three away from the stove. • When you cook, wear clothing with tight-fitting sleeves. • Keep potholders, oven mitts, wooden utensils, paper and plastic bags, towels, and anything else that can burn, away from your stovetop. • Clean up food and grease from burners and stovetops. Fire Prevention Week is actively supported by fire departments across the country. Fire Prevention Week is the longest running public health and safety observance on record.
Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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October 2013 THE FRENCHMAN’S FOOTWHEAR Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? A: Philippe Philoppe.
INDIAN DRUMS Col. Custer was marching his army into Little Big Horn and in the distance they could her Indian war drums. One of the soldiers says, “that does not sound good.” At which point an Indian pops out and says “That’s not our regular drummer.”
DID YOU HEAR THIS ONE BEFORE? Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
HE WORE A VEST Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
YEAST & SHOE POLISH Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
In 1863, New Westminster purchased its first fire engine for $2,600. What was it named?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
GUITAR AND A FISH Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?” A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2013
19
THE RACE
a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says,
Q: Did you hear about the race between the
“What is this? Some kind of joke?”
lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the
DANCE
tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
THE CLOCK Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
CROSS
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
PAMPERED
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
CORNEY
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama
WITH CRYSTAL BALLS
corn?
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: “Where’s Popcorn?”
A: A four chin teller.
I SWALLOWED A PILLOW YA GATTA BE KIDDIN’
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
A priest, a rabbi, a monk, a prostitute, a
Doctor: How do you feel?
gay guy, a horse, an elephant, a doctor and
X A D I W B J F V C B S H C B
M W M O E R L A J E A C A Y Y
G S I P B I O A P O S Y U Z Z
V E W M S G I H D G H V G E W
D Z B A T A Y X N D W N U H K
W E F W E D P I L D E X S O V
A H P S R E K P M L L R T O B
S T N A N E T U E I L C G K N
W Y N C R I C H A R D S D T W
Q T Z I P T A U X F T O H A D
S H F J U Z M T K G A I Z S S
U K L T W R U E P A Z A O U I
U A O W F C H I N A T O W N E
H Z B A F T F F D T C B E A W
ASHWELL AUGUST
BRIGADE
CAMPSAPPERTION CAPTAINS
CHINATOWN
DEPARTMENT FIRE
FIREKING HOOK
HYACK
CHRIS
HYDRANTS JOHNSON LADDER
LIEUTENANTS RICHARDS
A G NT
C J L L K Y Y Y P B B N V S K
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
WORD
SEARCH
SWAMP
WEBSTER
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20
October 2013
year include Escape Planning and Using Smoke Detectors.
continued from page 11
“Scaryland”
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Escape Planning • According to an NFPA survey, only one-third of North Americans have both developed and practiced a home fire escape plan. • These same citizens who made an escape plan estimate they thought they would have at least 6 minutes before a fire in their home would become life threatening. The time available is often less. And only 8% said their first thought on hearing a smoke alarm would be to get out! Smoke Alarms • Almost two-thirds (62%) of reported home fire deaths resulted from fires in homes with no smoke alarms or no working smoke alarms. • Working smoke alarms cut the risk of dying in reported home fires in half. • In fires considered large enough to activate the smoke alarm, hard-wired alarms operated 92% of the time, while battery powered alarms operated only 77% of the time. The goal of Fire Prevention Week is to protect all families, especially those at the highest risk. At our open house on October 5th we will provide resources for reaching those at highest risk to fire deaths and injuries, including: instructions on how to use a fire extinguisher, the benefit of smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors and how to create a family escape plan.
We a r e l o o k i n g f o r w a r d t o seeing you at our Open House,
Saturday, October 5th from 10 : 0 0 a . m . t o 2 : 0 0 p. m . Some Information Reproduced from N F PA’s F i r e P r e v e n t i o n We e k w e b s i t e w w w. f i r e p r e v e n t i o n w e e k . o r g © 2 0 1 3 N F PA
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Join us!
An exciting opportunity for the residents of New Westminster to learn about your emergency services, your community safety agencies, and fire safety! • Live Demonstrations • Equipment Displays • Fire Safety House • Sparky the Fire Dog New West Firefighters’ Charitable BBQ – by donation (all proceeds to New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Society)
FREE ADMISSION!
say hi to sparky!
22
October 2013
Sargent’s City Scene Actor, educator, earth worm:
Debra Thorne Readies for a New Role as Beacon Unitarian Church Minister
by Don Hauka
D
ebra Thorne has played many different roles over the course of her eclectic life: actor, playwright, teacher, mother and even an angry 12-foot earth worm. But her long and winding road to the pulpit started when she had an epiphany aboard a bus bound for Vancouver. “I had an epiphany on the bus when I was 20 that I was a spiritual person,” said Thorne. “But I didn’t know what that really was or how to go about doing it.” Thorne’s spiritual journey of self-discovery will mark a significant milestone in October when she’s ordained as Beacon Unitarian Church’s minister at a ceremony set for the Pensioner’s Hall in Sapperton. “It’s quite a thrill — you only ever have one of these in a lifetime,” said Thorne, 57. Thorne had a Trans-Canada childhood. Born in Vancouver, she and her family moved first to the Okanagan and then to Montreal while she was in high school.
As an actor, Thorne has worked in pretty much every major city in Canada (as well as many small towns) performing with touring companies. Her acting career started at the Vancouver Playhouse Acting School. Thorne went on to work in children’s theatre with companies like Carousel Theatre. She took on the role of teacher at Langara College’s Studio 58 and has also taught at the Vancouver Film School. All the while, she was acting and directing. At the same time, Thorne was also busy writing, and in 1991 mounted a one-woman show called “The Garden.” Thorne played three characters, including a 12-foot earth worm with an attitude. Nature and the environment were essential elements in Thorne’s spiritual growth following her epiphany on the bus. “I found a way to be connected to the spirit of life,” she said. “I would go to Queen Elizabeth Park and commune with a certain stand of trees and listen to my intuition.” Listening to her intuition led her to go inside the Unitarian Church of Vancouver on West 49 while out for a walk one Sunday. Thorne walked in, sat down and had another one of those intense spiritual experiences.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2013
23
Debra Thorne, Beacon Unitarian Church Minister
“I had found my home — my heart cracked open,” she said. Unitarianism believes in the inherent goodness of people and encourages each member to seek out their own system of beliefs and ethics. These beliefs range from those who describe themselves as atheists and humanists to others who follow religious traditions like Buddhism. Thorne has found a perfect fit for her spiritual sensibilities. She became more and more active in the congregation. She became a Lay Chaplain, and then studied for two years at the Vancouver School of Theology before taking a break to raise her daughters. Thorne resumed her theological studies at the Meadville Lombard Theological School in Chicago. After five years and an internship at a UnitarianUniversalist congregation in Port Townsend, Wash., she felt ready to take on the challenge of becoming minister at Beacon Unitarian Church. Beacon has served the New Westminster-Tri-cities communities as a congregation dedicated to social justice and equality since its founding in 1982. Thorne’s ordination on October 6 at the Pensioner’s Hall in Sapperton will see Beacon play host to guests from all over B.C., the Pacific Northwest and the Prairies. No fewer than four choirs will sing. How does she think she’ll feel? “I can’t say how I’ll feel but I know it will be intense. I believe in the power of ritual — it’s transformational. It’s going to be hard to stay grounded and not weep my way through the whole thing.”
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October 2013 SOCCER One day during recess she noticed a boy
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a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was all right. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, “Would you like me to be your friend?”
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Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here alone?” “Because,” the little boy said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”
BEARS Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
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A: B.
SPACE PARTY Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet!
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LEOPARD Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the “spot.”
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2013
25
BULL Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!
DON’T FEEL GOOD DOC Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
Place
Dunwood
The Presbyterian Senior Citizens’ Housing Society
Beautiful park like setting
A: Because it was not peeling well.
THEY CAN DRIVE? Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.
REV UP THE LAUGHTER Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha.
WHILE I’LL BE Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? A: USB.
Fully equipped woodwork shop, cafe, hair salon, large covered patio and gazebo in a lush garden setting. Too many amenities to list. Conveniently located to shopping. Come and tour this exceptional one of a kind facility. Very reasonable rents.
901 Colborne Street, New Westminster Seniors Independent Living 604-521-8636 dunwoodplace@telus.net
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26
October 2013
I AIN’T GOT NOBODY
supermarket in Surrey, I noticed that someone
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
had left behind their broom.
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered
NO TEETH
seeing at the cashier’s desk. I spotted them
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
getting into their truck and hurried over. “Excuse me,” I said to the young woman,
A: A Gummy Bear.
“but did you by any chance leave your broom
DO THE HUSTLE AND PULL A MUSCLE
inside?”
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to
“we came by truck.”
“No,” she retorted quickly and with a smile,
the seafood disco?
THIS JOKE TAKES GULL
A: He pulled a muscle.
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
TALKING ELEVATORS?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they
Q: What did one elevator say to the other
would be bagels!
elevator? A: I think I’m coming down with
MELON AID?
something!
Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
THE JUDGE
A: A bellybutton!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the
Hell Freezes Over at Halloween Hell in Winnipeg seems happy to promote its
whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
ONLY THREE
name in the cause of Halloween. For example,
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
local entrepreneurs cash-in with signs
A: Because the cow has the utter.
proclaiming ‘Coffee from Hell’, or ‘Caters from Hell’. In October there was an advertisement at Portage and Main ‘Go to Hell… a little town on its way up.’
Halloween Superstition John decided to play a trick on his superstitious friend Henry. Now Henry liked a drink at the local pub every Friday night.
AND DOWN GOES THE GAVEL
One dark night Henry set off for home,
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk
meanwhile John hid in the churchyard. The
walked in the court room?
scene was set. Henry staggered on home, as
A: Odor in the court.
he passed the churchyard he said out loud, “Where am I.”
Trip to Walmart
John, from behind a grave, replied in a
It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart
sepulchral voice: “Ammmongst the living.” “Then where are you then,” asked Henry.
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October 2013
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“Ammmmongst the deeaddd,” wailed John. Henry sobered up and ran home faster than
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he had ever run before.
TO THE BUM, TO THE BUM, TO THE BUM, BUM, BUM. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
HE’S MISSING A LOT OF FUN Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.
A LITTLE OFF THE TOP Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop!
THE CLEVER JANITOR Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES!
KIDNAPPING Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping? A: He woke up.
INSOMNIAC Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested? A: He resisted a rest.
IF YOU’RE REAL HUNGRY, YOU BETTER BE A GOOD PERSON I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
SILVER AND GOLD Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver.
FISH PUNS If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
OCTOBER 2013 ARIES: Your daily life is sweet. It will get even better when Venus slips into your 7th house of partnerships. Relationships with lovers, business partnerships all flow smoothly at this time. Even your “enemies” are nicer to you. TAURUS: Communication plays a strong roll in your life this month. Don’t argue but listen to your best ability. Sometimes by not saying anything gets you the answers you are looking for. Home renovations are needing your attention and you have the energy to get it all done. GEMINI: Your either spending more or earning more this month. Don’t use that credit if you don’t have to. Friends and partner’s want more of your attention at this time. Have fun and enjoy this month as next month paints a different picture. CANCER: You’ve been preferring the comforts of home for the past couple weeks. Relations with parents and those close to you are going quite nicely. Watch the foods you eat; digestive trouble’s could take place. LEO: This month will give you the energy you require to start any of those physical activities you’ve been putting off. Get off that couch Leo and get to it. You will attract others with your confidence and new sense of style. VIRGO: It’s a busy month for you. Friends and activities keep you on your toes. Mid month you may be tempted to spend all that hard earned money. Keep the credit card at home! LIBRA It’s your month to shine!! Your energy attracts friends and lovers. You also have a lot of energy your putting into your career. If looking for work, the stars will offer you many opportunities. SCORPIO: Your quiet this month dear Scorpio. Needing a bit of rest from all that activity? Close the blinds, turn on the soft music and allow the universe to rejuvenate you. Pay attention to your dreams. SAGITTARIUS: Do not allow others to cloud your good judgment this month. Your first instincts are usually correct. Friends are keeping you busy this month. Remember to take time for yourself. CAPRICORN: Authority figures smile on you this month. Now would be a good time to ask for that raise. Home decorating goes well and you may decide to purchase that new piece of art you’ve had your eye on. AQUARIUS: Your daily life is certainly activated and you have accomplished so much in so little time. Mid month your looking for love and just may find it. Look for someone from your past, it will prove to be very exciting. PISCES: Partnerships of all kinds, business and personal, are activated this month. Your ability to express your feelings attracts others. Your daily life gets busy and may need to schedule some private time for yourself.
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28
October 2013
KID’S
Phone Drama
CORNER
I have to tell you that your mother and I are
with
ISAIAH
An elderly man in Mission calls his son in Surrey and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A: A dino-snore!
Q: What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop!
screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting
Q: How do you know if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator? A: The door won’t shut.
Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data!
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do
divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME,” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese!
Q: What do you call a crate full of ducks? A: A box of quackers!
Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold? A: Cashews!
TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence? A: Time to fi x the fence!
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? A: Doyouthinkysaraus
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the
Q: What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? A: Why the long face?
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A: A dino-snore!
TIME WILL TELL
Q: What disease was the horse scared of getting? A: Hay fever!
Q: How do you know if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator? A: The door won’t shut!
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Q: What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens? A: Rep-tiles
coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? dump dump dump.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
IN A PROCESS I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
ALMOST GOT IT I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
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October 2013
29
IT’S HARD Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
THE CALENDAR FACTORY I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Thankful Kid Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”
Fresh Food A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t
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October 2013
3rd Annual New West Doc Fest: Film, Music, and Performing Arts all in one! New Westminster Environmental Partners and Green Ideas Network are pleased to present the 3rd Annual New West Doc Fest on three evenings October 23, 24, and 25, 2013. Expect to see new cutting-edge, award-winning films that will interest an all-ages audience. The movies chosen showcase Canadian and music culture, animation, social justice, the environment, animal rights, and food. They have been chosen with topics to inspire, promote public awareness, educate, and ultimately encourage dialogue leading to positive change in our society. This year’s movies are: • The Legend of Sarila • Blackfish • 20 Feet from Stardom • GMO OMG • Bidder 70
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
What’s new this year? A new venue! Landmark Cinemas, located one level up from the New Westminster SkyTrain station platform. The festival is therefore very accessible and convenient to get to. The festival has expanded to three evenings (from two in previous years). In addition to 5 featurelength films there will also be film shorts, guest speakers, live theatre and music, plus a closing night reception. On both Wednesday and Friday evenings members of NOW! Theatre will present live music and theatre complementing the festival’s themes. In addition to this, next door to the theatre is The Spud Shack Fry Co. restaurant, which will be open on Friday night after the final screening as a place for festival patrons to mingle and to munch on complimentary finger foods. Admission (with required $1 membership): $20 full festival pass or individual films: $7 Adults, $5 Seniors/Students. Tickets will be available for purchase online or at the door. In keeping with a sustainable communities’ mandate, the New West Doc Fest will be bullfrogpowered with 100% green electricity. For more information visit on Facebook and www.newwestdocfest.ca, www.nowtheatre.ca Twitter: @newwestdocsfest, @NOWTheatre Contact: Joyce Rostron at 604-522-9172 or joycerostron@yahoo.ca.
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Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
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PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puzzle #1
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “hmmmmm”
city Province Phone email
Postal
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Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle.
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