November 2013 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 158
The Fire of 2013: A New Beginning Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi See feature on P12
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WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
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2
November 2013
Peter Julian, MP
“Let peace be their memorial.”
Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca Sales Email: sales@piffle.ca
Verne Siebert 604-763-6304
Randy Chaster 604-351-2529
Vic Leach
778-237-0052 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
Fin Donnelly, MP
piffle.ca
“Remembering the service and sacrifice.”
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2013
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WHY DOGS CAN’T USE COMPUTERS He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Three words: carpal paw syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.
MY SON’S ROOM A frustrated father told a work colleague “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer,
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games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied, “I send him to my room!”
FIRST AID A man and a woman are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, the woman got something stuck in her throat, causing her to choke. The man rushes outside, cuts a
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
limb off a tree and whacks the woman across the back with it, dislodging the object in her throat. The headline in the paper read “Man gives woman the hemlock maneuver.
DID YOU HEAR Q: Did you hear about the Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac? A: He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Remember ALL who serve past & present.
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
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4
November 2013
sat NOV 9 + SAT Dec 7 11AM - 4PM Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT The secretary said to her boss, “You have an appointment at 12.” The boss said, “Who is it with?” She said, “it’s the invisible man.” The boss said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
SIGNS In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
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In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.” On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.” At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.” On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.” On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is
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expensive.” At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet… miss a car payment.” Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.” On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.” In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!” On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.” Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
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November 2013
5
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
OPEN MIC SUNDAY, NOV 10, 1-3 PM Featuring GISLE WOLDENGA Author of Broken Strings OPEN MIC SUNDAY, NOV 24, 1-3 PM Murder, Mayhem & Mistletoe! Featuring Mystery Writers ELIZABETH ELWOOD & KATERINA CARTER Open Mic Hosted by JANENE WHITE TUESDAY, NOV 19, 7-9 PM Acoustic Jamming Hosted by LAVANA 43 6th Street, New Westminster | 604.525.4566 renbooks@telus.net • renaissancebookstore.com
40 Years
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Craft & Bake Sale
Home bake goodies and perogies, a variety of crafts, white Elephant area, silent auction and a variety of individual vendors with beautiful and unique goods for purchase. All proceeds support ser vices such as, Physio and Occupational therapy C eramics program, in house entertainment, and food and care for their bird, f ish and visitation dogs.
Saturday, November 16th | 10–2pm 409 Blair Ave, New West
THE SALVATION ARMY
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Open Mon–Sat • Closed Sun
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November 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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November 2013
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LEST WE FORGET: CENTURY HOUSE REMEMBRANCE DAY WEEKEND EVENT Saturday, November 9, 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. Century House, 620 8th St, Cost: Members $8.00, Non-members $9.75 Veterans complimentary The event will include entertainment, memory sharing, cake, tea and coffee. Beer will be available for purchase from 12:30 to 2:00 p.m. Veterans are encouraged to wear their colours and awards.
WESTMINSTER SAVINGS FREE SWIM & GYM
Considered one of Argentina’s most influential guitarists, Quique Sinesi blends the tango and folklore of his country into an intensely personal style, integrating jazz, classical and world music. IGN founder Brian Gore is applying his original “California Fingerstyle” guitar techniques to a suite of songs inspired by the coast and wine country of his homeland. Tickets Available online, or phone the Box Offi ce at 604-521-5050. www.internationalguitarnight.com
BC211 HELPLINE
DOUGLAS COLLEGE MILES FOR MENTAL HEALTH WALK/RUN November 16, 9:00 a.m. Queen’s Park
This is a family friendly event where participants Walk/Run either 2.5Km or 5Km to raise mental health awareness and decrease the stigma that often surrounds mental health. Century House’s own Golden Age Theatre Players are one again coming to century house to make you howl. Register at www.mentalhealthrun.ca
HOME SWEET HOME PRESENT BY THE GOLDEN AGE THEATRE
Are you looking for community, social, or government services? In partnership with the United Way, bc211 offers information about:
Comedy Play written by Greg Finnegan Directed by Margo Prentice
November 8, 7:30 p.m. Massey Auditorium
• Counselling
$10.00 Non-Members & $8 Members
• Senior services
International Guitar Night founder Brian Gore will be joined by Italy’s Pino Forastiere, Mike Dawes from England, and Quique Sinesi from Argentina. Pino and Mike are revered in contemporary steel string guitar circles for their unique mix of melody, improvisation and hand percussion using the strings, the fretboard and the body of the guitar. Quique is a master of many South American melodies and rhythms on both guitar and charango.
Refreshments at Intermission
• Employment assistance
Century House, 620 8th St, New Westminster For tickets, call 604-519-1066
November 6, 2:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.
INTERNATIONAL GUITAR NIGHT
The Artists Mike Dawes’ innovative style and subtle nuance has won the 24 year old from the UK Internet stardom alongside critical acclaim. Italy’s premier composer and technical innovator for fingerstyle guitar employs a dazzling blend of slapping, tapping and harmonics to awe and inspire listeners.
• Language • Housing
Friday, November 15, 7:30 p.m. Saturday, November 16, 1:30 p.m.
• Legal assistance • Addiction Services • Support groups • Financial assistance • Resources for parents … and much more! Simply dial 2-1-1 to access this free, confi dential, 24/7, multilingual service. 2-1-1 service is available in the Metro Vancouver, Squamish-Lilloet, and Fraser Valley Regional Districts. There is also an easy-to-use online search tool at redbookonline.bc211.ca More info and to contact: www.bc211.ca, help@bc211.ca, TTY: 604-875-0885
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
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8
November 2013
Get Noticed !
NEW EMPLOYEE The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. “What is your name,” was the first thing the manager asked. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority,” he said. “I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” The manager said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you…”
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A sign says “Clearance: 11”2’.” So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it’s 11”6’. So the first GUY looks at the second GUY and says, “I don’t see any cops around… let’s go for it!”
DIVORCE LAWYER A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says “I want a divorce.” The lawyer says, “Do you have grounds?” “Oh yes,” she said, “We have about 4 acres and a long driveway…” “No, no, no… you have misunderstood me. I mean do you have a grudge?” She said “No it’s not a grudge, we have a carport.” He said, “No that’s not what meant, Let
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me put it another way. Why do you want a divorce.?”
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November 2013
9
“Oh that’s easy it’s my husband. He can’t hold a sensible conversation!”
NAP TIME One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived with a response pinned to his collar: “We have ten children… he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Together We Stand Janet Kvammen ©2012
Today in solidarity we shall stand Side by side upon this November morn On behalf of those ne’er to return from foreign land For the wounded, weary and battle worn. We stand for the freedom we hold dear With hearts open wide, united as one In deep gratitude for valour despite fear For anguish overcome, wars fought and won. We stand for those burdened by a heavy load Beset by dark shadows, slow to fade Invisible scars stain a long desolate road In remembrance of all, wreaths will be laid. The Last Post signals the fighting is over, duty done The chill air imbued with the bugler’s haunting lament O Canada’s sons and daughters, each a loved one A collective dream for world peace, heaven sent. November 11, we stand in silence to reflect Upon our veteran’s sacrifice, for evermore Lest we forget; with honour and respect To the Unknown Soldier, fallen in war. Dedicated to The Royal Westminster Regiment.
Jane t Kvam men contributes to local poetr y events, “Poetic Justice” and “Poetry in the Park”. She encourages everyone to check out the New Westminster literary scene featuring open mics for songwriters, music, short stories and verse. Her poetry has been published in various collections including “Sudden Thunder Anthology”, “Mind Paintings Anthology” and “Royal City Poets” all by Silver Bow Publishing among others. She is the recipient of a Writer’s International Network 2012 Distinguished Poet and Artist Award. She is a Director of the Royal City Literary Arts Society (www.rclas.com) and www.poeticjustice.ca. Contact Janet by email interplanetjanet5@hotmail.com or visit her Facebook page at PlanetJanet Creations.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info. Get your Piffle delivered early to your inbox! Visit piffle.ca
10
November 2013
LIKE A HORSE
two legs, I started breeding this three legged
Q: what’s black & White and eats like a
variety so we could all eat our favorite piece.”
horse?
“That’s amazing,” said the driver “How do they taste?”
A: A Zebra
“Don’t rightly know, ain’t never been able to
SOMETIME FLYS
catch one.”
Q: What’s got 2 wheels and sometimes flys?
BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
A: A Garbage bin
The couple’s young daughter had adopted a
DRUMSTICKS
stray cat.
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken. Amazed, he turned off the road and drove down a long driveway to the nearest farmhouse. There he saw a man in the yard
To her mother’s distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” her husband reassured her. “I’ll have him trained in no time.” They watched for several days as he
and dozens of three-legged chickens. He
patiently “trained” their new pet. Whenever
called out to the farmer “How did you get all
the cat scratched, he deposited the cat
these three-legged chickens?”
outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The farmer replied, “I breed ‘em. Ya see it’s
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16
me, my wife and my son living here and we all
years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he
like the drumstick. Since a chicken only has
scratched the back of the sofa.
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November 2013
11
RUSTY THE FISH A man is fishing in a river all of a sudden he pulls out a huge rust coloured salmon. “Hello,” says the salmon. “My name is Rusty.” The man is amazed to find a talking salmon and decides to free him as he can’t bare to eat a talking salmon. Four years later the man is fishing in the same spot when he feels a tug of the line and he pulls out a massive rusty coloured salmon. Instantly he recognizes him. He says, “Hello salmon, how are you what have you been up to?” “Well,” the salmon says. “I thought I would go on a trip out into the open sea and I found a ship wreck and thought I would write a book on my adventures.” “Oh yeah,” said the man. “What’s it called?” Rusty answered, “It’s called salmon rusty and the titanic verses.
WINTER SAFETY The winter season is the worst season for fires in Canada. During the winter, we must heat our homes, most of our meals are prepared and eaten indoors, our clothing is dried indoors and people who smoke tend to do so indoors. With the winter season around the corner, remember that: • Heating appliances such as space heaters should not have anything combustible close by and need at least one metre (three feet) of space around them. Inspect the electrical cord attached. If it overheats, you have a fire hazard. Keep young children away from them. • Electrical and heating systems can fail and become fire hazards. Ensure they are regularly checked by a professional, especially prior to the winter season when fireplaces, heaters, appliances and other electrical equipment are in maximum use. • Smoking while in bed, tired or under the influence of alcohol or medication is the most common cause of fires that kill. • Most chimney fires occur with wood-burning fireplaces. Ensure chimneys are cleaned and professionally inspected regularly. Burn only small quantities of wood at a time. • Teach children that fire is not a toy; it is a tool we use to cook food and heat our homes.
Thank you veterans and soldiers for your commitment and sacrifices.
• Educate your children about the dangers of fire and make sure they know that all fires, even small ones, can spread very quickly. • Never use a flammable liquid near a flame or source of spark. Be aware of hidden sources like water heater pilot lights, electric motors or heaters. Never smoke while pouring or using flammable liquids. • If even a small doubt exists about any appliance/ equipment that you use, do not hesitate to contact a qualified technician. It may save your life, and the lives of your loved ones. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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Fe at u r e story
The Fire of 2013: A New Beginning
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
O
n the morning of October 10th, 2013 at 7:00 am Harm Woldring, owner of the Wine Factory on Front street got a text message from a friend. The message asked if he was fine. Because he was half asleep and just waking up he was not sure what his friend meant. The text continued and said that there was a massive fire on Columbia and Front Street. The fire began in the middle of the night and was still burning. As Harm lives in New Westminster, he jumped out of bed and made his way to the shop. He was shocked at what he saw. Columbia was blocked off with fire trucks, and firemen were still working on the blaze trying desperately to put it out. The flames engulfed the historic 1904 E.L. Lewis Building on the corner of Mackenzie and Columbia just across the street from Harm’s Wine Factory. The Lewis building was the original home of the historic, Copp’s shoe store. Ironically it emerged out FEATURE STORY
of the flames of the fire of 1898, and newly built in 1904 by Bill Lewis’s great grandfather. The flames moved to the adjacent property as well as sending flames and smoke to the next two buildings. The roofs of 713 Front street were cut open by firemen in an effort to stop the fire from spreading. It was an incredible amount of devastation. It brought back memories of the New Westminster fire of 1898 in which the wooden stores and businesses of Columbia Street went up in flames. The fire, which is still under investigation, apparently began at approximately 3:30 am during the wee hours of October 10th. Mayor Wayne Wright although saddened by the devastation, vowed to help rebuild the area, much in the manner of the massive rebuild after the historic fire of 1898. “We’ll rebuild as we have in the past,” said Wright. At last count, there were some twelve businesses whose premises were destroyed and another |
N OVEMBER 2 0 1 3
13
“I’m newly married, and would like to help out a bride who has lost her dress in the fire. Have my dress. This fire was a tragedy. My sympathies for all those affected.” thirty odd businesses affected by the fire. Right on the corner of Mackenzie and Front streets long time barber Norm Friesen’s business was totally destroyed. Harm indicated that Norm was planning on retiring soon, but had not hoped to do so under these circumstances. He planned to retire the next weekend. Loebel’s shoe repair business was also destroyed, and his plans remain uncertain. The future of the Fat Paint Company is also unclear as much of their premises was destroyed. There is speculation that their building must also be demolished because of structural damage. Victoria, co-owner of the Fat Paint shop, is however, undaunted and vows to rebuild her business most likely in another location. She advises all of her customers to stayed tuned. I attended a swank cocktail party after the New West Cultural weekend during the summer at Fat Paint. I was impressed with the business and the future gallery plans which Victoria described to me at the time. It’s certainly heartbreaking to see the challenges this new and engaging business has undergone. The bridal dress shop currently located in the space of the former Copp’s Shoe Store was destroyed. Looking over recent
comments on the internet one helpful newlywed offered to lend someone her own wedding dress. She wrote, “I’m newly married, and would like to help out a bride who has lost her dress in the fire. Have my dress. You just have to pay to dry clean it. I’m 5’7’ and the dress is a size 10. This fire was a tragedy. My sympathies for all those affected.” Fortunately no firemen or innocent bystanders were injured in the fire. Harm said firemen rescued a cat on the third floor of his building. It was in the offices of a marketing company and proved to be the only live rescue which took place during the night. On the Thursday after the fire Harm had a restoration and smoke damage firm inspect his premises, and they were glad to report that he could begin op-
erations right away. Harm was lucky while others were not as the fire was kept away from the west side of Mackenzie Street. He notes however, that there will be disruptions to his business and to others in the same area as a result of demolition, and new construction down the road. Harm was optimistic that the area will spring out of the ashes and rebuild itself in a newer and perhaps better way. As a member of the executive of the New Westminster BIA, Harm’s Wine Factory is donating funds to help businesses affected by the fire. To date he has raised over 500.00 to assist some of the people who did not have insurance. Columbia and Front streets are indeed ready for business. We encourage all residents to support the businesses in the area at this terribly difficult time in their history and in the history of New Westminster. end
Harm Woldring: Owner of the Wine Factory.
FEATURE STORY
|
N OVEMBER 2 0 1 3
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November 2013
NICKY
FUNDAMENTALIST FIDO
A couple shared their apartment with a parakeet named “Nicky.”
A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally
The exterminator was scheduled to come, so they put Nicky in the bedroom and hung a sign
Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular
on the door: “Please skip this room. Do not
breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
open door. Pet flies.”
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he
The exterminator came. On his receipt
did it in a flash. When they instructed him to
he wrote this comment: “Finished all of the
look up Psalm 23, he complied quickly, using his
apartment except room with pet flies.”
paws with dexterity. They were so impressed, they purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog, they called in the dog in to show off a little. After seeing the dog with the Bible, the friends were impressed. They asked whether the dog was also able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said. “Let’s try this out.” Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, used his paw to slap the man’s forehead, closed his eyes and bowed his head.
FAT PSYCHIC Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.
“Lest We Forget.”
Mayor Wayne Wright
Monday, November 11, 10:00 a.m. at The Royal Westminster Regiment, Armouries (live) and Queens Avenue United Church (live broadcast).
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November 2013
15
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
The City of New Westminster, in solemn thought, remembers those who have fought for our freedom. Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
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Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
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16
November 2013
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
L A A E U S T H S H D X R P J
Z N C R V G T O W X Z K V B Q
D D X U J I J A A G B H C M B
O R I S M A A J M D C J N X O
W A H S C F N L R E Z E B C I
W K T I O J M O R N E A U Y C
O E K A Y X F J V T H I R S K
A N N M T N K F S I T I R B V
L N E Y A W O F W G C L W Y Z
A Y B R D Z G H M S D H V G E
E L L U W P D U A R Z Q I Y R
F E E X Z Y S A K M L M A V E
A A S J I V J P S L Q Y Z H W
F S I P D W M H X H Y T B T Y
A G NT
D M K G K Z S F H R M H I B D
CHRIS
WORD
SEARCH BRAZDA BURR GERUSSI KENNY MAHONY MANDRAKE MARJANOVICH
MORNEAU RANFORD RENO SMITH STEEN THIRSK YAKE
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2013
17
I WAS MUGGED A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace. After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could. After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car. After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. “I’ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something,” he said. “Can you give us a description of the turtles,” asked the police officer. “No, I can’t. It all happened too fast,” cried the snail.
I GOT A GROANER Q: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A: Wonky.
WALK SWATTER Q: What do you call a fly without any wings? A: Walk.
THE FISH Q: What do you call a fish without any eyes? A: Fsh.
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November 2013
19
Place
Dunwood
The Presbyterian Senior Citizens’ Housing Society
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20
November 2013
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Q: What do you call a threefooted aardvark? A: A yardvark!
Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?” A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver.
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back four seconds. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.
The Royal Westminster Regiment is an infantry regiment of the Canadian Forces Primary Reserve. It is based in New Westminster at The Armouries. Where is it located?
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A: a thesaurus. Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? A: “Where’s Popcorn?”
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a fi refly? A: It barked with de-light!
Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.
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November 2013
21
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Call 604-603-9004 Solution to October 2013 | P u z z l e # 1
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
NOVEMBER 2013
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
ARIES: All relationships go well for you this month. You are able to achieve harmony and understanding. Legal matters should work in your favour. TAURUS: All matters relating to your work and daily life will go smoothly for you this month. Your health will receive a positive boost, just avoid over indulgence. GEMINI: Love could blossom for you this month. Creative activities are favoured. This month is for fun so enjoy yourself. CANCER: A good month to catch up on those home renovations you have been putting off. Much can be accomplished around the home. LEO: You see beauty in everyday encounters with others. Much communication takes place this month. Just keep conversations light and friendly. VIRGO: Your in the mood to go shopping this month. You may want to keep those credit cards at home and put some money away for the future. LIBRA: Being the peacemaker generally comes easy for you. However this month you may find yourself doing just that more often than usual. SCORPIO: Life has been very busy for you the past few months and now you seek rest and quiet. A good time to evaluate everything you have accomplished. SAGITTARIUS: Friends and social activities keep you busy this month. Your dreams and wishes can come true if you just put the energy into it. CAPRICORN: Favorable circumstances take place in your work and profession. Authority figures see you in a good light and look forward to your ideas and input. AQUARIUS: You may seek peace and security within your home-life. If planning on purchasing a new home all will go well. Family will be of great assistance. PISCES: Thinking about travelling? This is a good month to take that holiday you have been dreaming about. Higher education is also favoured.
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22
November 2013
IF YOU CAN, SO CAN I
THE GOOD SERMON
One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist
After a very long and boring sermon the
go on a fishing trip together. They are in the
parishioners filed out of the church saying
boat and the Pastor says,” Oh! No! I left the
nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of
paddles on shore!” So he proceeds to get
the line was a thoughtful person who always
out of the boat and walk on the water to the
commented on the sermons.”Pastor, today
shore to get them. Once he had gotten back
your sermon reminded me of the peace and
into the boat the Vicar says,” Oh! No! I left
love of God!”
the bait on shore too!” And like the Pastor the
The pastor was thrilled. “No one has ever
Vicar exits the boat and walks on the water to
said anything like that about my preaching
get the bait. When the Vicar climbs back into
before. Tell me why.”
the boat the atheist yells,” Well if you guys
“Well… it reminded me of the Peace of God
can do it so can I,” and proceeds to climb out
because it passed all understanding and the
of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this
Love of God because it endured forever!”
point the Pastor says, “Do you think we should
WHO’S STUPID
have told him where the rocks are?”
A new teacher was trying to make use of
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puz zle #2
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “Looking for a nut”
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. “Do you really think you’re stupid, Johnny,” she asked. “No, ma’am,” Johnny replied, “but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!”
TOTAL ONENESS Q: What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? A: Make me One with everything.
The Confused Samaritan A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. CRYPTOGRAM
CRYPTOGRAM A B C D E F
G H
I
J
K
L
October 2013 Solution
M N O P Q R S
T U V W X
17 6 3 13 8 21 16 A 23 B 22 C 1D 12E 2 F 20G14 H18 I 4 J5 K11 L25 M N O P Q R S
23 22
1
12
2
20 14 18
H Y A C K 18 19 23
1
H Y A C K 18 19 23
1
11
11
4
5
11 25 17
F
I
R E
B R
I
G A D E
21
2
22 21
4
14 23 12
2
22 21
4
20
F
I
20
4
4
R E 21
passed by on the other side. Next, a monk
6
3
B R
13
I
8
9
21 16
14 23 12
15
7
1
2
Z
10 T 15 U 7 V24 W26 X19 Y Z
9
G A D E
Y
8
1
24 26 19 10
6
8
side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said “Whoever did this needs help!”
2
6
came by but also walked quickly on the other
2
2
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
Directions: This puzzle is called a Cryptogram. I've always loved doing them! At the top there is a KEY that lists all the letters from A thru Z with a box below. Each of the letters has a corresponding Directions: number.
November 2013
23
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