April 2014 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 163
Bob Robertson & Linda Cullen: Canada’s Comedy Duo
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
See feature on P4
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April 2014
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IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT
out the window and sure enough there was a
A hobo comes up to the front door of a
small box gift-wrapped in the driveway. She
neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on
hurried out and quickly ripped open her gift
the door. When the farm owner answers, the
only to find bathroom scales. Eddie’s funeral
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service will be held next week.
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me something to eat? I haven’t had a good
goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around
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the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a
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I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
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A REAL PRIZE A man is driving down a country road, when
much, sir. But there’s something that I think
he spots a farmer standing in the middle of
you should know. It’s not a Porsche you got
a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over
there. It’s a BMW.”
to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,
ANNIVERSARY GIFT Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
anniversary. His wife was really angry. She
asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are
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to win a Nobel Prize. “How,” asks the man,
in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.
puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel
The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked
Prize… to people who are out standing in their field.”
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Fe at u r e story 4
April 2014
Bob Robertson & Linda Cullen:
Canada’s Comedy Duo Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
B
ob Robertson and Linda Cullen are Canada’s best-loved comedy couple. Bob and Linda starred in “Double Exposure” on CBC Radio and television for many years and performed live in theatres across our country. They have endeared themselves to Canadians from coast to coast with their humor and satirical sketches, poking fun at politicians and other interesting folks, including Jean Chretien, Brian Mulroney, Stephen Harper and many others. I think Bob even does a good imitation of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. They have great fun with anyone who takes himself or herself too seriously. During the heyday of their program, Bob and Linda liked to give out certificates of patronage to members of their audience. The certificate would have a picture of listeners shaking hands with the likes of Brian Mulroney. FEATURE STORY
Last Wednesday morning they came into my studio here on 12th street for a photo session and interview. I like to tell the odd joke myself but felt a little overshadowed by these two comedic legends. Should I try one or not. I had a joke saved up about getting a job as a restaurant reviewer for the Portland Housing Society. Well Bob beat me to the punch, and cracked one about the speaker of the house in the provincial legislature who was involved in a travel related scandal. “You know I would really like to be her travel agent.” Well that was a good one. Next time I’ll stick to taking pictures. Linda and Bob moved to the Quay a few years ago, returning to their roots in New Westminster. A prophetic move because their relationship and entertainment career began right on the corner of McBride and 8th Avenue at the CKNW studios. Linda worked as a producer and Bob wrote sketches for commercials and appeared regularly on the Frosty Forst show in the mornings. While |
April 2014
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at CKNW, they met our local arts guru Tony Antonias who wrote the famous Woodward’s jingle, “Dollar Forty-nine Day”. Linda even sang the jingle for me as we talked. Not only does she have a great narrative voice but she is a great singer as well. While honing their skills at the radio station they got together and realized that they made a great comedy team. Linda produced many of their famous sketches and had the gift of writing humorous and fresh dialogue to everyday news events. The radio show “Double Exposure” was born and débuted in the late eighties and went on in various forms including television until 2003. Since then they have toured Canada many times appearing in local theatres from Victoria to Charlottetown. Just a few weeks ago, they performed together at the Evergreen Theatre in Coquitlam to a sold out audience. On one occasion, they were performing in Charlottetown PEI. The next day being a Saturday morning, Bob said to Linda, “Lets head over to Tim Hortons for some coffee and doughnuts.” “Sounds great. Who’s buying?” Linda asked. “You are,” Bob said. They pulled into the parking lot, got out of their car and went inside to get their doughnuts and coffee. When they got back into their car and began munching on their “Timbits”, Bob opened the window of the rental car and could hear Linda’s voice outside. To their great surprise and excitement, almost all of the cars in continued on page 8
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April 2014
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April 2014
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parking lot were listening to the “Double Exposure” program on CBC radio. Their voices filled the parking lot. Bob remarked that it was one of the most exciting moments of their career. It made them realize the vastness of the Canadian landscape. They felt the impact they had on the hearts of listeners from one end of the country to the other. “We really felt like one of the people.” Bob said. One year they were the parade marshals for the Sourdough Festival in Whitehorse and the Yukon Quest dog sled race. Linda and Bob were each in a dog sled driven by a Mountie. The dogs were pulling them through the trails at full speed. “That’s how I learned the way dogs go to the bathroom while pulling dog sleds.” Linda said. “They get so excited and kept on pulling faster and faster. They just did their thing on the move and sprayed pooh on us as we sped along the trail. And that’s what happens up in the Yukon.” Linda said. “We have done so much comedy in this country and all it does is endear you more to this place.” Bob said. On April 25th, Bob and Linda will be hitting off LitFest and telling you about how “Double Exposure” started, at the New West Public Library. They are teaching a workshop on comedy writing the next day at Douglas College and finishing up as part of the gala cast at the Muir Theatre on the 26th of April. LitFest 2014 has a great group of speakers and performers this year. Don’t miss out. It is free and is one of the highlights of the cultural scene in New Westminster. This year’s guest speaker at continued on page 10
continued from page 5
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LitFest New West 2014 Story by Bob Robertson
W
hat if you could spend two days listening to authors, attending workshops and taking in the entertainment of a glittering gala, would you go? And what if we told you it was all free? How fast would you run to get there? Thought so. We’re talking about LitFest New West, April 25th and 26th. We’ll be a big part of it, we, being Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen, the two Westminster folks who brought New Westminster and Canada “Double Exposure” on CBC Radio and CTV, humourous columns in The Globe and Mail and 24 Hours, and three books, one, a Canadian best-seller. We’ll tell you the story about how “Double Exposure” happened on Friday the 25th during the LifFest launch at the New Westminster Public Library, then teach you comedy writing on the 26th at Douglas College and finish up being part of the gala cast at the Muir Theatre. But we won’t be alone. We’ll be joined by great writers such as LifFest’s Keynote speaker, Gary Geddes, one of Canada’s best known and most celebrated writers. All day Saturday you’ll be able to talk to authors, publishers and printers, in person, about their books, then cap it all off with an evening gala featuring great performances from the likes of City Stage New West, performing excerpts from their New Westminster musical “Stump City”, Shadows and Dreams Theatre Company, author JJ Lee, poets Candice James and Renée Sarojini Saklikar plus many others. Oh! Did we mention the whole thing is FREE? I guess so, but it bears repeating. You should come to this. To find out more about LifFest New West, check us out at www.artscouncilnewwest.org/litfest. end
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
April is…
© Dominic DiCarlo April is not the cruellest month as Eliot surmised; it springs forth the Promise and Renewal that gently scents the River adjacent to the eco-Royal City as flowers hear birds chirping spring songs April is the National Poetry Writing Month dancing with Earth Day aroused by the blossoms festooned in festive ornament April is the month of Resurrection as the full weight of mystery converses with its luminosity April is the Royal City with poetic wings taking to the skies blessed by the Earth
Dominic DiCarlo — poet, musician, philosopher — was born and raised in Montreal where he received advanced degrees (M.A. and Ph.D.) in religious studies from Concordia University. He moved in 1995 to the west coast with his family and teaches philosophy at Coquitlam College since then. He has also had teaching gigs at Concordia University, Bishop’s University, and Simon Fraser Universit y. His first collection of poems: The Cycles of an Inflamed Mysticism (Friesen Press) has just been launched in 2014. http://dominicdicarlopoetry.blogspot.ca
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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April 2014
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
LitFest will be renowned Canadian author Gary Geddes. When I was an English student at Simon Fraser University, Gary’s book, Poetry and Poetics, was on the reading list in English 101. I think its still on the reading list even today. He has written and edited more than forty-five books of poetry, fiction, drama, non-fiction, criticism, translation and anthologies. He has won a dozen national and international literary awards, including the Commonwealth Poetry Prize (Americas Region), the National Magazine Gold Award, B.C.’s Lt.-Governor’s Award for Literary Excellence and the Gabriela Mistral Prize from the government of Chile. His latest works are Drink the Bitter Root: A Writer’s Search for Justice and Healing in Africa and selected poems called What Does A House Want? For more information on LitFest New West, please have a look at the Arts Council website www.artscouncilnewwest.org/litfest. end
continued from page 8
THE HAMSTER AND THE VET A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. “There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”. Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head. “It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. “That will
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
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April 2014
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April 2014
Sargent’s City Scene HYACK AMBASSADORS The 2014 Hyack Ambassador Program is in its 43rd year of preparing the youth of our city in valuable learning and volunteer opportunities. They have six young ladies in the program again this year and they have been attending weekly mentorship/leadership sessions on deportment, etiquette both business and social, public speaking training, self-defense, money management, resume preparation and interview skills as well as presentations on modelling, make-up, skin/hair grooming and self-esteem building practices through professional
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motivational speakers. The Hyack Ambassador Program strives to help our youth be better, grow and develop into more involved citizens in our community today by participating in the many volunteer opportunities and civic functions throughout their year of service and hopefully this experience will encourage and motivate the Ambassadors to continue serving in our community by becoming the future leaders of tomorrow. The six 2014 candidates are Anna Almonte sponsored by One Source Productions, Talia De Capite sponsored by the NW Firefighters’ Charitable Society, Ceylin Ozdemir sponsored by Save-OnFoods, Claire Dresselhuis sponsored by the NW Police Officers’ Society, Andie Lloyd sponsored by Royal City Rotary and Jenni Slinn sponsored by the Kiwanis Club of New Westminster. This year the Hyack Ambassador Program will be honoring our past Miss New Westminster 2002, Ms. Eva Markvoort. Ms. Markvoort succumbed to her life long battle with cystic fibrosis in March of 2010 but not before she encouraged and inspired people around the world with her story and mission to educate people about CF and the importance of organ donation. The award winning documentary “65 Red Roses” tells the story of Eva as she
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waited for her double lung transplant, lived a full life after the surgery but then later succumbed to the disease. At this year’s Miss New Westminster 2014 Pageant, there will be 65 red roses available for guests who wish to make a donation to Cystic Fibrosis in Eva’s memory and all proceeds will be donated to the #4Eva Campaign. The pageant presentation evening will be held April 10 at the historic Columbia Theatre, doors at 6:00 p.m., pageant program begins at 7:00 p.m. Tickets available at www.eventbrite.ca or call the Hyack Festival Office at 604-522-6894. Join Hyack in the Promotion of Festivals and Volunteerism in the City of New Westminster.
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audiences since then. He has been the front man for many groups such as the Vancouver Shades, the Chimes, the Upbeats and the Billy Dixon gang. The 60s Billy electrified the stage with the unforgettable Night Train Revue… Vancouver’s #1 R&B band. Back then, they were regulars at New Westminster’s Grooveyard dance hall on Carnarvon Street. In the 70s he formed the great Big Horn band called New Breed another very popular show band. During the Disco invasion Billy took some time off to work on some projects but still made time for the occasional gig at the Arts continued on page 16
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April 2014
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Club, Commodore, Richards on Richards, the Fairview and the Yale. 1986 Billy returned to his place in the Vancouver Music Scene as one of the most gifted and charismatic entertainers. He reunited with the Night Train Revue at Club Soda for an Expo tribute to Vancouver’s rock classics and again at the celebration of the Dance Party 20th Anniversary. Billy Dixon is a legend in his own time, a phenomenal singer, and a riveting performer. He handpicked the cream of the crop for his lineup of talented musicians to form his “Soul Train Express”. Billy Dixon’s Soul Train Express performs at The Yale, Fire Fighter’s Club, LuLu’s Lounge at River Rock Casino, Lion’s DenBoulevard Casino, plus many Private Functions. They are currently booked at the Lux Lounge 1180 Howe Street Vancouver, where they perform every Saturday from 4:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. Email infobillydixon@shaw.ca or call 604-763-3939. end continued from page 15
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Who are the two New Westminster folks who were a hit in CBC Radio’s “Double Exposure” show?
Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
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Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall
can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.
• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor
• Downstairs has 3,500 sq. ft., linoleum floor, kitchen facilities
• Parking for 30 cars, close to Sapperton SkyTrain Station
• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit
S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL
318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today
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18
April 2014
Open Mon–Sat • Closed Sun
Specializing in “Furniture that Fits” and unique items to showcase your home. Enjoy a great selection of conversation pieces to share with your guests forever. Located on 6th Street, you’ll find decorative pieces for any home. Drop by for a peek, you will leave satisfied.
616 6th St, New Westminster
604.520.0202
Furnit ure • Ho m e Décor • Gif ts uptown.furnish@gmail.com
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
20
April 2014
Happy Easter!
KIDS KNOW Submitted by Judy Bishop, written by kids
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
10% OFF
for pick-up orders over $15.00
FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don’t want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2014
21
FIND OUT WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU IN 2014. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
CALL LIZA TODAY AT
778-898-2146 by liza April 2014
HOROSCOPES
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they’re rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) 8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is… 9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- George, age 6
25% OFF ALL CHART READINGS!
ARIES: This month your attracting money. However, your also spending to much. Keep your finances in check. TAURUS: Your giving off fantastic energy this month. If your able to get away and have fun, do so. GEMINI: Communication is a high priority for you this month. Think before you speak out. CANCER: Past dreams and wishes are able to come true this month. Watch what you wish for. LEO: You’ve got energy this month! A good time to get things done and organized. VIRGO: Do you feel like you've made the wrong impression recently? Take some alone time to figure things out this month. LIBRA: Relationships with others are intense this month. You will learn a great deal from others this month. SCORPIO: This month you create balance in all relationships. Your giving off the right energy and people are attracted to you. SAGITTARIUS: A good month to discuss all agreements with others. Employers are eager to listen to your ideas. CAPRICORN: Love relationships go well for you this month. Plan for some fun at this time. A Q U A R I U S : Thinking of home renovations? This is a good time to make your home beautiful and comfortable. PISCES: Communications go smoothly for you this month. Share your ideas with others this month.
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22
April 2014
BILLY DIXON’S Perform at the Lux Lounge
SOUL TRAIN EXPRESS BAND
THINGS TO SAY THAT MAKE YOU SOUND SMART 1. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
1180 Howe St, Vancouver every Saturday from 4pm to 7pm.
2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
604-763-3939 info billydixon@shaw.ca
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 4. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puzzle #6
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “Get Gabriel”
5. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 10. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 11. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 13. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. 14. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. Solution to March 2014 | P u z z l e # 5
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
it again.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2014
23
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
PHOTOGRAPHY
778-397-1449
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
730 – 12th St, New Westminster | www.gaborphotography.com
Place
Dunwood
The Presbyterian Senior Citizens’ Housing Society
Beautiful park like setting
Fully equipped woodwork shop, cafe, hair salon, large covered patio and gazebo in a lush garden setting. Too many amenities to list. Conveniently located to shopping. Come and tour this exceptional one of a kind facility. Very reasonable rents.
901 Colborne Street, New Westminster Seniors Independent Living 604-521-8636 dunwoodplace@telus.net
Who Says Time-Travel Is Impossible? In Evelyn Sangster Benson’s new book YOU can step back in time and re-live: • the Penitentiary escape of the notorious trainrobber Billy Miner! • a harrowing skate on the frozen Fraser to Marpole and back! • the noise and clatter of the first automobile on New Westminster streets! • riding in the open trunk of a car on your way to the beach! • the reality of life without deodorants! • cruising Columbia St. in a hot-rod in the “cool” Fifties! • jiving at the Hollywood Bowl!
Only
$1995
Available at Westminsterpublishing.ca Black Bond Books and Renaissance Books
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BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118 Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
Manny’s Barber Shop 212 East Columbia New Westminster under Thrifty Foods
778-316-6760 Open 7 days a week Mon-Fri 9–7pm • Sat 8–7pm • Sun 11–6pm
SAMOSA SPECIAL
VEGETABLE 2 FOR $1 CHICKEN & BEEF 2 FOR $2
BUY ONE ENTRÉE & GET THE 2ND ENTRÉE ½ OFF EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE. Dine in only. One coupon per table. Offer valid until April 19, 2014.
Honestly driven. 604-517-1230
LUNCH SPECIALS VEGETABLE $8.95 CHICKEN $9.95 INCLUDES RICE & NAAN BREAD! Take out & dine in (11:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.)
oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen
$5 OFF PICK UP ORDERS Minimum order $40. Offer valid until April 19, 2014.
Open 6 days per week • Sat 11:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. • Closed Sun Dine in • Take out • Catering • Private events • Fully licensed
7558 – 6th Street, Burnaby
604-553-1718 | 604-553-1719 www.indianbombaybistro.com