June 2014 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 165
How Organ Donation Saved My Life A liver transplant saved Gordon Kirkland’s life. Read his story and find out how easy it is to become an organ donor.
See feature on P4 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 2:30pm Sun 9am – 1:30pm
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778-316-6760 Open 7 days a week Mon-Fri 9–7pm • Sat 8–7pm Sun 11–6pm
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June 2014
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Find the Message
R A N T W H P S D S H L M H J
E T E C X U N G T A N E U V E
M H A Q A R X R R R D B A B D
B E I K P P P C D W A L Z Y G
S Y O B N O T R E P P P A S F
E A M F Y H K R F H G K O B E
R R L I O F Y P A O O X A D O
D S A V S H K I T M C H X W Y
S P O P A S E H H E H U U Z P
A D R Y U T E A E R D L O G W
L O V I N G I D R R R P E C O
D A Y G K D D O C T L C O A E
O Y H M J G X S N P I W O K M
N J O Y R M L O V E S G O D P
F U S R W A E W I V J V D U E
ARMY ART DAD FATHER GOLD HEART LOVESGOD LOVING MISSED POPS SALVATION SAPPPERTONBOY
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Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
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Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Vic Leach 778-237-0052 John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
piffle.ca
Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
Judy Darcy, MLA
judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101
Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What do you call a bear
Q: What did Cinderella say
without an ear?
while she was waiting for her
Q: What kind of flower do
A: B.
photos?
you have between your nose
Q: What do you call a
A: Some day my prints
and your chin?
Penguin in the desert?
(prince) will come.
A: Tulips.
A: Lost
Q: What do you call a
Q: What do you get when you
Q: What do you call a deer
country, where all the cars in
cross a cocker spaniel,
with no eyes?
it are pink?
a poodle and a ghost?
A: No idear
A: A pink carnation.
A: Cockapoodleboo!
CALL
Inquire about our
604-520-6171
SENIORS’
DISCOUNT 426-604 Columbia St, New Westminster BIG SALE It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in PIFFLE MAGAZINE) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line… “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!” Q: What do you get if you play a country
GLENBROOKE NORTH RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION 15TH ANNUAL GARAGE SALE SATURDAY, JUNE 14TH 9AM TO 3PM… rain or shine! Reduce-Reuse-Recycle, de-clutter your home, buy Dad a present! The GLENBRooKE NoRTH NEIGHBoURHood extends from TENTH AVE to the north side of SIXTH aVE, from MCBRIdE BLVd to the east side of SIXTH ST. We are again collecting donations to support Monarch Place.
music song backwards? A: You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back. 2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris!
Fe at u r e story 4
Organ Donation:
Recycling That Saves Lives Story and photo by Gordon Kirkland
R
ecycling used to be a chore of sorting paper plastic and tin cans. Last year, a form of recycling saved my life. In 2012 I was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease due to non-alcoholic cirrhosis. I was told that the only hope I had was for a liver transplant, but in the same breath, the doctor told me that I was not a good candidate for one. I had a blood type shared by less than 5% of the population. In addition, I am 6'4" and the organ donor would have to be a similar build. The worst aspect of liver disease is the affect it has on one’s mind. Hepatic encephalopathy is a condition caused by the build-up of ammonia in your system. It causes confusion and an inability to focus. As an author and entertainer, this hit me very hard. I could no longer write or focus on producing new material. In addition, I could no longer do the work to promote my books and appearances. As a result, my income plummeted. By May of 2013, I was hospitalized. My wife had come home from work one day and I did not know who she was. I have often said on stage that the secret to a long marriage was knowing that when a man speaks in a forest, and there is no one there to hear him, he’s still wrong. Believe me, not recFEATURE STORY
ognizing the woman you have been married to for 40 years, is very, very wrong. My chances of getting a transplant remained slim, and I was transferred to the palliative care unit, and told to prepare for the end. The real hurdle to getting a transplant was the fact that there are not enough registered organ donors in British Columbia. Eighty-five percent of the population supports the concept of organ donation, yet only 20% have taken the few minutes it takes to register. One person can save the lives of eight others through organ donation, and they can significantly impact as many as fifty through skin and bone marrow donation. Part of the problem is that many people think they are organ donors because the registered many years ago with their driver’s license. That system has not existed since 1997. Today one simply needs to go continued on page 8
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June 2014
June 2014
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Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers
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June 2014
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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June 2014
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GOLDEN AGE THEATRE PRESENTS “SUMMER CAPERS”
MORE FAULTY TOWERS
Summer Capers consists of four one act plays.
The Bernie Legge Theatre, Queen’s Park, New Westminster. Presented by the Vagabond Players. Three new episodes of the hilarious farce by John Cleese and Connie Booth. Directed by Casey Por.
“Getting Old is Hell” is three older men reminiscing about their youthful capers. One older man is hard of hearing, another has a memory problem and the third man is near normal for his age.
June 5–8, 12–15, 19–21, 8:00 p.m.
Tickets: $15.00, Seniors/Students: $13
“Gypsy Tearoom” is two older women who visit a tearoom to have their fortunes told by what turns out to be an ingenuous seer of the future with a strong accent.
Reservations: 604-521-0412 or book online: reservations@vagabondplayers.ca
“Coconut Cream Pie” is a one man and one woman play. The man is a widower who reluctantly works for his nit-wit son-in-law. His first job is not the success for which he was hoping but then again it was not a total disaster? The woman is a widow too.
LIFESTORY WRITING FREE WORKSHOP: FINDING THE EXTRAORDINARY IN THE ORDINARY
“Forget Me Not” is an one act play about a clumsy husband doing home repairs while his wife has a pious church woman visiting her concerning the book club. Summer Capers will be presented at Century House. Friday, June 6, is an evening performance starting at 7:30 p.m. and Saturday June 7, Matinee will start at 1:30 p.m. The Golden Age Theatre has been presenting plays at Century House for more than a decade. Margo Prentice has been the Artistic Director for the past thirteen years. Golden Age Theatre mission is “To bring together seniors (Age 50+) who share a passion for the performing art of live theatre.” Tickets are $8.00 for members of Century House and $10.00 for non-members. The tickets are available at Century House preferable in advance 604-519-1066.
KINSHIP CARE FACTS & OPTIONS Parent Support Services Society of BC is hosting informative, interactive, legal information seminars that will outline Kinship Care facts and options, relevant legislation, government and community resources, benefits and services available for grandparents and other relatives raising family members.
Parent Support Services Society of BC, 204-5623 Imperial St, Burnaby Wednesday, June 11, 10 a.m.–12:30 p.m. The seminar is free and space is limited so please register in advance!
June 17, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m. New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave Host Sylvia Taylor From cave walls to computers, humans have been sharing the stories of their lives. Everyone has a LifeStory worth telling and it’s never too late or too early to tell it. Whether it’s a whole-life autobiography, or slice-of-life memoir, for family and friends or the publishing world, our lives take on greater meaning as we contribute to a legacy of history, heritage, and understanding.
ST. JOSEPH MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD FESTIVAL June 20, 5:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. St Joseph Orthodox Church, 1308 Ewen Ave Join us for a showcase of our Middle Eastern Food, Culture, Heritage and our Greek Orthodox faith refl ecting parish roots. Fun for the whole family… food and scrumptious desserts. Enjoy Middle Eastern Music, Learn how to dance the Traditional Dabke “Folk” and belly dancing, Hand drum “Tableh”, Cooking Demonstrations, Jump house for the kids and face painting and crafts, Iconography History and Church tour and presentation.
For more information visit our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/stjosephfoodfest or call 778-387-8008. Festival Hours:
Friday, June 20, 5:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. Saturday, June 21, 12:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. Sunday, June 22, 12:00 p.m.–5:00 p.m.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk.
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June 2014
to www.transplant.bc.ca and enter their Care Card number. On a morning in mid-September, I lay in a hospital bed in Maple Ridge, prepared to die. The previous weekend we had completed the plans for my funeral. It was going to be one heck of a party. I intended to put the F-U-N back into funerals. I was waiting for my wife to give me the regular morning phone call. When the phone rang, it was not Diane. It was the Transplant Clinic at Vancouver telling me that a liver donation had been found for me. I was transported to VGH later that afternoon. The doctors had to fly somewhere to acquire the organ. I went into the operating room at 6:00 the next morning, and was wheeled into the intensive care unit seven hours later. When I regained consciousness, a nurse asked me if the surgeon had given me a Mercedes-Benz or a Lexus. I thought, “Holy cow. The Canadian health care system really is fantastic. I got a new car with continued from page 4
my new liver!” It turned out she was asking about the shape of my incision and which car’s logo it resembled. I got the Lexus. I’m just glad he didn’t get creative and give me a Dodge Ram. Today, I am back to my old self. I have three new books on the go, and I have returned to performing comedy. I’m a paraplegic in a wheelchair so I don’t do stand-up. I do sit-down comedy. Every time I sit down to write, or wheel onto a stage, I give thanks to the generous person who donated his liver, and his family, who honored those wishes at what must have been a horrific time of their lives. There are hundreds of people waiting for a transplant in British Columbia alone. On average across North America twenty people die each day waiting for a transplant. Chances are you will never be called upon to donate your organs at death. Only about 1% of the population actually dies in such a way that their organs can be used for transplant. A person must be in hospital, on life support, and declared brain or cardiac dead in order to be a donor. So please consider becoming an organ donor. It’s a lot simpler than recycling your newspapers, soup tins, or milk jugs, and just think, you won’t have to haul them out to the curb. end Gordon Kirkland is an award-winning and bestselling author, comedian and speaker. For information about his books, or to book him to entertain at a corporate or association event, visit www.gordonkirkland.com.
Lee Kirkwood • (604) 385-0091
lee@centreholidays.com To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
9
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
New Westminster © Trevor Carolan
Night sounds drift up from the river: exquisite screech of train rails, grinding steel on cold, raw steel slowly up the line to Port Moody. Tug whistles bawl counterpoint off Brownsville beneath Patullo Bridge, Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
chugging and chugging burglar alarms ring and ring back of warehouse row, gulls scream mad all night in feeding orgies— oolichans arc-lit by millyard sodium lamps, white ghosts hovering, and veer in the false light
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
iridescent swoop the spawn run, cry on starts of wind blown up from the delta; muscle cars rev cobbled, hilly streets; swarthy, glistening sea-lions bark and bark for love in moonlight. Hometown boy…
Trevor Carolan has published 19 books of non-fiction, poetry, translation, anthologies and journalism. Former literary coordinator with the Calgary Olympic Winter Games and The Banff Centre, he has also worked as media advocate for aboriginal land claim and Pacific Coast watershed issues. A past-elected Councillor in North Vancouver, he holds a PhD. in Literature, Ecology and Spirituality in International Relations, is political columnist for the North Shore News, and teaches English and Creative Writing at University of the Fraser Valley. His current work, with Frank Stewart, is entitled Cascadia: The Life and Breath of the World. See www.trevorcarolan.com. Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.
REMEMBERING VIVIAN SHEPHERD B or n M a rc h 18 , 193 0 — D ie d M a rc h 2 2 , 2 014
Making the Most of Second Chances by Richard Watson, Minster Knox Presbyterian Church
W
e all have limits on our lives; the day we are born and the day we die. These define the boundaries of life as we know it. Most of us do not have control of these endpoints of life. Christians testify that God holds this power and it is rare indeed when God uses his power to change the endpoint of someone’s life. However, it has been known to happen and in the case of Vivian Shepherd a case could be made that argues Divine intervention. Vivian had a stroke in 2004, and the strange thing is, she not only survived but thrived after it all happened. Her family testifies that the past ten years of her life have been very special, and I would like to think that it was a special gift from God, a Lazarus type experience. Vivian’s daughter Joanne Theison told me the story after I had mentioned how lively Vivian had always been. She had arrived at the hospital a little more than three hours after her stroke. She was non-responsive. The doctors explained the possibilities: Death, serious disabilities, or a vegetative state for the rest of her life. Now, the Hospital had a new machine for stroke victims. But it was only effective if stroke had occurred within a three hour window. Joanne and her siblings stretched the truth, because they loved her and could not bear to lose her. So they used the machine and Vivian had a full recovery. It made all the difference in the world to Vivian in her last ten years of life. Anyone who met her knew Vivian was happy to be alive and could see how much she enjoyed the gift of life she had. Always smiling, laughing too, even when she had worries. Vivian enjoyed travel, Vegas, Switzerland even Asia. Her schedule was always full. She never looked or acted old. She was a living picture of “carpe diem” — or seize the day. Much of her time was spent giving thanks too: She always made the Heart and Stroke Foundation’s Annual Gala.
More than most of us Vivian seemed to understand the precious gift of life we all have and it made me wonder was her experience ten years ago a Lazarus moment. Well God only knows for sure but what we do know is that Vivian lived well in what turned out to be her last ten years. And that is a gift she left all of us: the testimony that living a full life is important and really matters. But we all have that gift. Jesus gave it to each of us when he died that we might live. This is the gift that allows each of us to live with the same type of joy that Vivian did in her final years. And that is my prayer for all who miss her: Her friends, sons Chris and Richard, her daughter Joanne, her sisters, her grandchildren and great grand children. I pray that we all celebrate Vivian’s life, all of it, not just the past ten years with a similar joy that Vivian lived. A joy that is dedicated to truly live each of the days we have left on earth as if we have received a second chance at life. Because we all have second chances. Even though we do not control the day we are born or the day we die God has given each of us the gift of life today. So live today, look for God’s peace through both the joys and the sorrows. Live so that when that final day comes, the conversations and the joy will not just be about what happened yesterday. It will be about what happens tomorrow and the next day too. Vivian would want that for us and that’s what Jesus wants for us too: to truly live with the second chances we get. The memorial service has passed, but we invite you to join us each Sunday at 11 am for our regular Sunday Service.
403 East Columbia Street, Sapperton, New Westminster Email: knoxnw@telus.net Phone: 604 524 6712 Minister: The Rev. Richard Watson rjawatson@gmail.com
June 2014
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“Moving in the right direction with Marjorie.”
SPRING AND SUMMER FIRE SAFETY TIPS SPRING CLEANING TIPS — IN THE HOUSE
• Keep dust at bay from smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. While doing this, check the batteries and replace immediately if needed • While cleaning your windows, check to ensure that they open and close properly, in case they are needed as an exit • Properly store household chemicals and never mix cleaning agents • Recycle: Get rid of old newspapers, magazines, and junk mail. These items can tend to pile up and can greatly contribute to the severity and spread of fire • Pull the refrigerator out and vacuum or dust the coils • Always keep stairs and landings clear for safe evacuation in the event of an emergency • Check the clothes dryer for lint build up in the dryer’s lint trap and around the dryer exhaust at the rear of the machine SPRING AND SUMMER SAFETY TIPS — AROUND THE HOUSE
A referral from you, is the highest compliment I can receive.
marjorieam@shaw.ca
604.838.2675
CARDS FOR GRADS! On July 1st, share your
CANADA SPIRIT
with our great selection of Canadian souvenirs!
• Make sure your address numbers are up and visible from the street • Maintain a clear “Fire Zone” of at least 10 feet around structures including sheds • Check outdoor electrical outlets and other electrical appliances for animal nests and to ensure proper wiring • Remove leaves and trash from carports and garages. Combustible materials are dangerous if they are exposed to heated automobile components, especially under the vehicle • Let power equipment sit for approximately 30 minutes before placing it inside to be sure there is no possibility of fire • Check for fuel container leaks and make sure they are properly stored • Clean up and properly store paints and yard chemicals REMEMBER: IN THE CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER, OPEN BURNING IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN! LET’S ALL BE SAFE.
Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
CARDS FOR DADS!
811 Carnarvon St, New Westminster (Opposite of The Old Spaghetti Factory)
GET YOUR FRESH ROSE & FLOWER BOUQUET FOR $5 EVERYDAY!
SAVE $5
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Please present coupon before purchase. Valid at 811 Carnarvon St location only.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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June 2014
Get Noticed !
MONICA A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through… don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.” Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry… only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.” When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
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The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. The mother replied, “I’m Monica… my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
LOOK WHAT I FOUND A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear,” his mother asked.
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With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
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June 2014
13
G TIPS: MIKE’S FLOOsRaIN nd microfibers Wash dry mop ric bag, ensure b fa a in y rl la u reg use bleach. that you do not
Grandson Liam & His Assistant Mike Peterson
812 edinburgh st, New Westminster, BC t: 604-839-7751 F: 604-540-7771 e: info@petersonfloor.ca
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MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME! I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
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June 2014
I’LL GET IT
WHAT’S THAT STUFF
Three ladies were discussing the travails of
As the plane was flying low over some hills
getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch
near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess:
myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand,
“What’s that stuff on those hills?”
while standing in front of the refrigerator,
“Just snow,” replied the stewardess.
and I can’t remember whether I need to put it
“That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but
away, or start making a sandwich.”
this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”
The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
ASK YOUR DOG TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the
The third one responded, “ Well, ladies,
day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of
I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on
us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid
wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the
burned out bulb?
table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my
Everything you need for tonight
squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! Rottweiler: Make me. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check
• Fresh organic produce • Prime selection of organic meats • Healthy snacks • Health and vitamin products
to make sure I don’t miss any, and make just
What’s Organic?
one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while
or·gan·ic (adjective) \or-ga-nik\
Lowest prices in town Guaranteed!
Involving the use of food produced with the use of feed or fertilizer of plant or animal origin without employment of chemically formulated fertilizers, growth stimulants, antibiotics, or pesticides.
If you find our products at a lower price, bring in the proof and we’ll beat it by 5%.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb! Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right
Meat, fruit, produce, dry goods and so much more...
there… Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
421 Sixth Street, New Westminster 604-553-3421 www.newwestorganic.ca PICK UP
I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the HERE!
light bulbs in a little circle...
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
15
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
PANDA IN A BAR A Panda walked into a bar and said: “A pint
Saturday, June 7 11AM - 4PM Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
of… beer please” The barman said: “Why the big paws?”
POT BELLY ANNA Anna: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
IS AD M
Doctor: You should diet.
S IO
N
0 0 REE . $3 ER 12 F
Anna: Really? What color? BUSY DOCTOR
KI D
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in
ND SU
your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!
ENGINEER NERD An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both,” they asked. Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
FREE*
CoMIC TO THE
FIRST 10 0
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• boardgames • cameras • Canucks memorabilia • Cds • dVds • hardware • Hot Wheels • jewellery
• • • • • • • • •
magazines manga monitors parts printer refills printers records software Star Wars
• toys & collectibles • VHS • video games • vintage comics • wrestling
…and lots more all at great prices! dEaLER INFoRMaTIoN 8' tables $40 each, or 2 for $70!
604-521-6304 funpromo@shaw.ca
www.funpromo.ca
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
16
June 2014
BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC! The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sharon Tidd, MDiv (Cadet) Ministry Leader / Pastor Church Line
604-521-0363
ALWAYS FIGHTING Two ladies were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “Why don’t you just leave him then,” asked her friend. “Oh! Not yet,” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”
BACK IN THE DAYS OF METAL GARBAGE CANS A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three
Cell
604-644-5271
young boys, full of youthful, after-school
The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster
merrily on every trash can they encountered.
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You
When is Father’s Day this year?
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014 thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll
5
17
$ OFF
SERVICES*
only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter,” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.
APRIL NAIL SPA 778.397.0185
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Mon-Fri: 10 am – 7 pm Saturday: 10 am – 6 pm Sunday: 10 am – 4 pm
*Only one coupon per visit. Cannot be combined with other offers. Expires June 30, 2014.
www.aprilnailspa.com
We can’t wait to host your next event.
Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall
can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.
• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor
• Downstairs has 3,500 sq. ft., linoleum floor, kitchen facilities
• Parking for 30 cars, close to Sapperton SkyTrain Station
• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit
S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL
318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX.
18
June 2014 YUP, YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN… • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. • You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere. • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. • Your children are beginning to look middleaged. • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep. • You look forward to a dull evening. • Your knees buckle and your belt won’t. • Your back goes out more than you do. • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN • I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’til 8 p.m. • I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. • I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going. • I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid… • I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. • I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. • I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying. • I’m very good at telling stories… over and over and over and over. • I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren
Open Mon–Sat • Closed Sun
are not as bright as mine. • I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. • I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
19
SALES • SERVICE • REPAIRS
LAPTOPS • DESKTOPS • TONER • INK PRINTERS • PHONES • CABLES & MORE! Monday-Friday 9–6pm • Saturday 10-5pm 7882 6th St, Burnaby, BC We recycle computers!
604-524-0500
www.eastridgecomputer.ca • I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. • I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh… • I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies. • I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? • I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. • I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom. Some members of The New Westminster Police Pipe Band enjoy a sing-a-long at the Legion after their Hyack Festival performance.
INTERNATIONAL VILLAGE • African Fashion MALL IN TINSELTOWN • African Sheabutter
1117-88 W Pender St, Vancouver • African Black Soaps Next to the Stadium/Chinatown • Musical Instruments SkyTrain Station and more!
MONDAY-SATURDAY NOON TO 8:00PM SUNDAY NOON to 7:00PM Anytime by appointment • Two hours free parking
604-568-8456
www.touchofafrica.ca YOUR TROPIC SNORKELLING CENTRE!
40 Years
Serving the Snorkeling & Scuba Community
604.524.1188
825 McBride Blvd, New Westminster www.diveandsea.com I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
20
June 2014 OLD MRS. KIRKLAND Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, “Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?” A few minutes later, Timmy returned. “Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, “is she all right?” “She’s fine, except that she’s angry at you.” “At me,” the woman exclaimed. “Whatever for?” “She said ‘It’s none of your business how old she is,’” snickered Timmy.
I THINK I SWALLOWED A PILLOW Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
IT MIGHT BE BOOZE As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your EVERYONE WELCOME!
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complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.” “In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober”
YOUNG & OLD Located at Dunwood Place 909 Colborne St, New Westminster (near 8th Avenue & McBride)
Come & enjoy the relaxed atmosphere!
FOR APPOINTMENTS CALL 604-521-5655
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
MESSAGE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD Outside: We don’t feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us… Inside: We had to stay up all night lighting them!
HOW’S SHE DOING Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten Loonies last night? Nurse: No change yet. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
21
FIND OUT WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU IN 2014.
25% OFF ALL CHART READINGS!
CALL LIZA TODAY AT
778-898-2146 by liza June 2014
HOROSCOPES
ARIES: You will be inclined to spend much of your hard earned money during this time. Don’t let others influence you and avoid impulse purchases. TAURUS: Your physical energy is quite high this month and you will be able to accomplish a great deal. Others may be quite demanding of your time. GEMINI: Feeling irritable and uneasy? You may not get the credit you deserve, best to work behind the scenes and avoid confrontation. CANCER: This is the time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Physical activity with friends will be beneficial. LEO: Great achievements can be made on the work front. Conflict with co-workers may arise and it’s best to channel your energies on work. VIRGO: You may be defending your belief system during this time. Put your energy into expanding your mind. Travel may be in the works. LIBRA: Financial disagreements may arise with your partner. Your hormones are running high this month; remember your value system. SCORPIO: Compromising with your better half is essential during this time. Is is really worth fighting over? Co-operation is the name of the game. SAGITTARIUS: Your daily life picks up considerably and you have the energy to get the job done. Health issues may arise during this time. CAPRICORN: You want to express yourself this month and so you shall! This month is all about playfulness and having fun. AQUARIUS: Much activity on the home front. If your thinking about renovations now is the time to get it done. Parents may cause difficulty. PISCES: You identify strongly with your ideas during this time. Write those thoughts down, they will come in handy in the future. If money dosn’t grow on trees why do banks have branches?
22
June 2014
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
RAY & ROSIE Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the
Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
other, “Ray, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Ray replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.” “That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?” Ray went blank. He thought and thought, but
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puz zle #8
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating
couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “Road Runner”
HOW DID YOU DO THAT? A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” says the desk Sergeant. “No, no, no,” says the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. Solution to May 2014 | P u z z l e
PICTOGRAPH
#7
BY ROSS HOOD
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
June 2014
23
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
PHOTOGRAPHY
778-397-1449
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
730 – 12th St, New Westminster | www.gaborphotography.com
Place
Dunwood
The Presbyterian Senior Citizens’ Housing Society
Beautiful park like setting
Fully equipped woodwork shop, cafe, hair salon, large covered patio and gazebo in a lush garden setting. Too many amenities to list. Conveniently located to shopping. Come and tour this exceptional one of a kind facility. Very reasonable rents.
901 Colborne Street, New Westminster Seniors Independent Living 604-521-8636 dunwoodplace@telus.net
Who Says Time-Travel Is Impossible? In Evelyn Sangster Benson’s new book YOU can step back in time and re-live: • the Penitentiary escape of the notorious trainrobber Billy Miner! • a harrowing skate on the frozen Fraser to Marpole and back! • the noise and clatter of the first automobile on New Westminster streets! • riding in the open trunk of a car on your way to the beach! • the reality of life without deodorants! • cruising Columbia St. in a hot-rod in the “cool” Fifties! • jiving at the Hollywood Bowl!
Only
$1995
Available at Westminsterpublishing.ca Black Bond Books and Renaissance Books
If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118
Take Dad out for lunch on Fathers’ Day. Show him what the old “Chopsticks Restaurant” looks like now!
Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
Manny’s Barber Shop 212 East Columbia New Westminster under Save-On-Foods
778-316-6760 Open 7 days a week Mon-Fri 9–7pm • Sat 8–7pm • Sun 11–6pm
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
Honestly driven.
604-521-1871
10% OFF
604-517-1230
for pick-up orders over $15.00
325A 12th Street New Westminster
FREE DELIVERY
Check out our seasonal specials!
(within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
oktirenw@shaw.ca
ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
June 15!
everyday starting at 4:30pm
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays