July 2014 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 166
Uptown Furnishings Opening New Store in Columbia Square Plaza See feature on P4 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 2:30pm Sun 9am – 1:30pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
Manny’s Barber Shop
212 East Columbia New Westminster under Save-On-Foods
778-316-6760 Open 7 days a week Mon-Fri 9–7pm • Sat 8–7pm Sun 11–6pm
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July 2014
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Happy Canada Day!
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Find the Message
T T T A A S H T U N F D K S X
I S T N Y X U R U K N Y E L F
K S E U N V D A X A E I J A G
M C K W A U N A L D R L T B R
A O I N H G A D O O N M J R R
N G U W W T N Y T I H Y B A G
I N O A S U R I H C R G Q D M
T R B D O N R O Z B M A M O O
O E E F V R U R N E R W T R Y
B A W I E H W R R Y J E A N E
A E C T G N E W B J C X A E O
N A V O N W C G B A I T O C S
S A S K A T C H E W A N F L R
A L B E R T A Y J G K I R H E
Q U E B E C P K H B B Y S K I
ALBERTA AND BRUNSWICK LABRADOR MANITOBA NEW NEWFOUNDLAND NORTHWEST NOVA NUNAVUT ONTARIO QUEBEC SASKATCHEWAN SCOTIA TERRITORIES YUKON
_ _ _ _ ’ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027
Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Vic Leach 778-237-0052 John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
piffle.ca
Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
Judy Darcy, MLA
judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101
Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6
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July 2014
3
THE THREE WISE FIRE FIGHTERS In a small southern USA town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You stupid cheeseheads never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall
anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”
Inquire about our
CALL
604-520-6171
SENIORS’
DISCOUNT 426-604 Columbia St, New Westminster OLD GUY ON A PORCH A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,”
Q: Why do Gorillas have big fingers? A: Because they have big nostrils! Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: They use honeycombs.
I DON’T GET IT A guy took his girl friend to her first
he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a
Longhorn football game. They had great
week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
seats right behind their team’s bench. After
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old
the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied,
are you?’
“Especially the tight pants and all the big
“Twenty-six,” he said.
muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got
A: Nacho cheese!
it and then for the rest of the game, all they
Q: Where do sheep get a hair cut?
kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get
A: At the baa baa shop!
the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents! I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Fe at u r e story 4
Uptown Furnishings Opening New Store in Columbia Square Plaza
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
A
dil and Mina Nazarali have been operating their successful furniture and accessory shop on 6th Street in New Westminster for several years now. Originally, they owned the Loonie Plus store in Columbia Square Plaza for over seventeen years. Sensing a changing demographic in our city, Adil decided that the specialty furniture business would be an ideal venture, offering the community, boutique style furniture and accessories locally with a hands on approach. In fact, if Adil can fit an item in his car, purchased from his store, he will personally deliver it to your home. Now the big box stores simply do not provide that service. If you buy a bedroom or dining room suite or one of his stylish leather sectionals or sofas, delivery is a flat fifty dollars. Born in Kenya and studying engineering in England, Adil came to Canada in 1975, married FEATURE STORY
his lovely wife Mina in Toronto where he worked as a computer technician. After living in Toronto for twenty years Adil and Mina along with their young family felt the call of the west, New Westminster in particular, and came to British Columbia where they soon began operating their successful businesses. Adil brings a dynamic energy and honesty to his business, so typical of new Canadians. My family also came from Europe and I still remember coming to New Westminster in the early sixties, to the railway station on Brunette Street — the last leg of a long train ride from New York City. Uptown Furnishings also specializes in furnishing complete apartments from mattresses to living room furniture, specialty décor including pictures, lamps and a myriad of other tasteful accessories. I was amazed at the reasonable prices that Adil quoted for furnishing complete apartments. If you are in need of high quality continued on page 8
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J u ly 201 4
July 2014
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Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers
604.619.8455 Dr Robert Henry MacLauchlan & Margaret MacLauchlan 1966 Murders
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Why is abbreviation” such a long word?”
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July 2014
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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July 2014
7
ANOTHER ALL DAY CANADA DAY July 1, 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Queen’s Park by Day, Riverfront by Night Queen’s Park Bandshell Fabulous fun for the entire family including awesome entertainment in beautiful Queen’s Park. Enjoy exciting roving entertainment, interactive community display booths and our celebrated ‘Picka-Box’ auction. Presented by The City of New Westminster and the Arts Commission. • 11:30 a.m.–12:00 p.m. The NWSS Senior Jazz A Ensemble • 12:00 p.m.–1:00 p.m. Formal Ceremony & Pic-A-Box Auction
• Five beer gardens and food vendors including Japadog, Willkyz Grill, White Spot Triple O’s and Poomba’s Smokehouse. • Kids Fun Zone. • The Save on Foods Family Zone will feature treats such as Rainbow Ice Cream and Mini Donuts. • The TUMBLEBUS will be fi lled with fun, kid-friendly gym equipment. • The fi ve piece fusion band Kutapira will keep kids on their feet with their signature catchy and unique sound. • Free interactive entertainment.
• 1:00 p.m.–1:30 p.m.
British Columbia Girls’ Choir
• 1:30 p.m.–2:15 p.m.
Music with Marnie
• Visit Stage New West’s photo booth and face painting.
• 2:15 p.m.–3:15 p.m.
Blue Meenies
• 3:15 p.m.–3:30 p.m.
Closing & Thank You
• Blood and Iron Martial Arts’ booth will offer free sword fi ghting lessons and demonstrations. • There will be prizes to win and free swag to take home
Free Admission!
NEW WESTMINSTER FIREFIGHTERS’ CHARITABLE SOCIETY SHRED-A-THON July 12, 10:00 a.m.-2:00 p.m. Canada Games Pool Parking Lot, 65 E Sixth Ave
• Free parking will be available to guests in the Downtown Parkade, accessible via 4th St.
For more information contact Maddison McKitrick, Program & Events Coordinator, Downtown New West BIA: mmckitrick@downtownnewwest.ca.
Need to get rid of that stack of papers? Bring your paperwork and other confidential materials and have them professionally shredded on site. Small businesses and homeowners are welcome. Be sure to stay for a barbeque, popcorn, entertainment, and much more!
LOYALIST DAY
All proceeds going to the New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Society. For more information, please call 604-519-1000.
A BC Annual Picnic celebrating our Canadian Loyalist History as established by Past Lt. Gov. of BC, Hon Stephen Point.
15TH ANNUAL KEY WEST FORD SHOW & SHINE
DOUBLE BOOK LAUNCH FOR CANDICE JAMES AND MANOLIS
July 20, 11:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m. Queen’s Park, Picnic Shelter #1
July 13 10:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m. Columbia St, Downtown New Westminster
July 12, 1:30 p.m.-3:30 p.m. The Arts Council Gallery, This free family event takes place on Columbia Street in Downtown Queen’s Park New Westminster, easily accessible via New Westminster and Columbia SkyTrain Stations.
• A bicycle Show and Shine with great vintage and electric bikes.
You are invited to the Double Book Launch for Candice James and Manolis. Meet and Greet with wine and cheese. C andice James and Manolis will both read poetry from their new books. Personalized books will be available for purchase.
• Two live entertainment stages, with acts as Ruckus Delux, Bone Daddies and Royal City Swing.
Manolis “Autumn Leaves” Candice James “Purple Haze”
The festival will feature: • Over 300 custom and classic cars.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
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July 2014
furnishings for a complete apartment or townhouse, give Adil a call and let him design and price a package just for you. Their store on 6th Street has been so successful that Adil and Mina are going back to their roots and opening a new store in Columbia Square Plaza. Open during the first week of July the new store modelled after the Uptown store, has a new name, Home Highlights. It will feature similar items but also unique furnishings and accessories that might appeal to folks in that part of the city. “We will be emphasizing more modern furnishings and accessories in our new store.” Adil says. “There is a very important need for a store like Home Highlights in the area because of the abundance of apartment development and the influx of many new residents to downtown New Westminster.” Look for his bright new shop at Columbia Square Plaza after the first week of July. Drop in and say hello to Adil and Mina and have a good look at their display of modern furniture, home décor and accessories. If you spot that little end table or apartment size dining room suite that you have always been looking for, remember if it fits in Adil’s car, he will deliver it to you. I am sure all the merchants and customers of Columbia Square Plaza will welcome Adil and Mina back in their new venture, Home Highlights. end
continued from page 4
Your Travel Specialists Lee Kirkwood
(604) 385-0091
lee@centreholidays.com
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
July 2014
9
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Elegy: Brow of the Hill © Kyle McKillop I run, and the grave river runs away from me, the sun wringing every drop from the flood of our bodies.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
The river’s rush cuts the banks as my toes furrow the avenue sidewalks, shifting power downstream, and my stride is the river’s severe and self-propelled descent, a constant newness and even shape a tangled reinvention. And when in a glimpse the river floats a bleached tugboat, I lift a thought beside it, half-filling it with the sorrow that action avoids. My heart answers the knock of each breath, and the funeral within crowds. A hymn begins to swell, the mausoleum of the river echoing, and sweat drips down from the Brow of the Hill: it splashes as if it must become the river, as if some piece of me is unable to ever stop.
Kyle McKillop is a poet and teacher. He grew up in Victoria and lived in Ireland, South Korea, and Trinidad before settling in New Westminster, where he is the interim president of the Royal City Literary Arts Society. Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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July 2014
Have we got local shops and services for you! T
here are many fine shopping areas in New Westminster. Some of the greatest variety of shops are located right on 12th Street!
There are consignment shops and used goods. Check out the B.C. SPCA Thrift Shop, located at 615 12th Street for “bargains galore” and help them to donate up to $18,000 yearly to animal services. Two neighbourhood pubs, a winery and our own brewery. Automotive repair services — PERFORM-X Automotive “specia lizing in elect rica l diagnostics with over 40 years of service” at 719 12th Street. Automobile dealerships and used lots — ICBC and many body shops. OK Tire and Mechanical Repairs “Honestly driven”. See the ad on back of this issue. One Source Productions for all your print and promo needs. A hotel, realtors, hair salons. Shear Chaos “expert hair and makeup services”. Call Teresa for an appointment 604-522-9633. Hall rentals — Fraternal Order of Eagles are “people helping people” and always looking for new members. Call 604-657-5600 to join. Drop by
for a hot dog and bingo on July 27th all day at 707 12th Street for an Eagles fundraiser. 5 & 10 pin bowling, wine shops and f ire prevention. Shop Royal City Fire Supplies, 633 12th Street for dependable service for your fire safety needs since 1969. Home décor a nd reno’s. Design With Confidence at 950 12th Street, “a one stop design shop” featuring a ll Canadian products. Para Paint and wallpaper, tile, f looring, custom cabinets, upholstery fabrics and window coverings. Roof i ng — K 2 Roof ing, “an award winning team of specialists ready to cover you.” Fast, professional and A+ BBBC rating. Visit them online at www.k2roofing.com. Lam and Sons Auto and Mechanical “specializing in a high level of service” is located at 903 12th Street. Construction — Tony’s Tool and Demolition at 823 12th Street. “Tony the Tool Guy and King of 12th Street” and retail sales. Open on Saturday. During week, call 778-830-9127. L a n d s c a p i n g Wy n n i n g Design “creating green space,
one yard at a time.” John Wynn 604-338-8257. Catering — Sugar Mountain Catering, custom designed menus for all occasions. Book early for Christmas by calling 604-728-6641. Art and photo studios — Gabor Gasztonyi Photography Classic Portraits Studio and Gallery. Call 778-397-1449. L e t u s not for ge t Fido! Tiffany’s Grooming Salon. Call 604-526-5026. Convenience stores, specialty shops Check Station Payday Loans, cheque cashing. Western Union money transfers at 946 12th Street. Eye care, video games, gas stations and car wash. The new and very popular Big Star Sandwich Co. at 705 12th Street where you can get the most wholesome soup and sandwich in New Westminster. 12th Street offers a variety of cultural restaurants such as Mexican, Sushi, Chinese, Greek and Italian. 12th Street businesses are family owned and stand ready to serve you! The above businesses welcome you.
Drop in and say Hello!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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July 2014
Get Noticed !
HERE’S THE DEAL, DOC Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn’t eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn’t work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, “Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You’re not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave.” Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said “OK. I’ll eat but I have some conditions. First, I’ll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you’ll share with me.” Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he’d like. “Worms,” said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn’t want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. “Not that many, just one,” yelled Josh as he
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Full Colour, Die Cut Vinyl, Vehicle Decals, Sandwich Boards
Engraving
Namebadges, ID Cards, Room Signs, Door Plaques
saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, “OK, now eat!” Josh refused as he sobbed, “No way! You ate my half!”
weddings • corporate • private catering
Trophies & Awards
Plaques, Cups, Crystal, Ribbons
Open Monday - Friday 8:30 - 5:00
604 521-1295
334 12th Street New Westminster
onesourceproduction.com
David Macmillan // 604 728 6641
sugarmountaincatering.com
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July 2014
13
IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is it,” a passenger asks the captain. “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
TEMPER Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, stupid!
QUESTION & ANSWER FUN Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights! Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they’re all in High School! Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile
grand opening
between each “s”! Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March! Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I’ll
new westminster 101-1015 columbia street (columbia square plaza)
free celebrate with
plaster you!
The Fraternal Order of Eagles Invite you to the 12th Street Music Festival “Hot Dog” Sale and “Bingo”
Sunday, July 27 th 11am – 4pm, 707 12th St Join us under the Big Top for “Kids” and “Bigger Kids” hot dogs with all the trimmings. Sit back, relax and enjoy Calvin Donnelly the “King of Karaoke”. Proceeds to
Royal City Youth Soccer Club
go! Bring your hot dog and join Bourin Ladies Auxiliary for “Cash Prize Bingo” and a
break from the heat. Upstairs in the Eagles/Caw Hall, 11am – 4pm. Snacks and beverages available.
frozen yogurt!*
saturday, july 5th free frozen yogurt* from 12pm - 6pm choose from 14 flavours • gift bags to the first 50 PEOPLE ** • free colour-in t-shirts to every child ** • balloons, stickers, temporary tattoos ** • visit with menchie • valuable menchie’s coupons follow us for news, updates, and special offers.
MenchiesNewWestminster
@menchiesnw
menchiesnw
*free frozen yogurt up to 8oz., one per guest **while supplies last valid only on saturday july 5, 2014
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
menchies.ca
14
July 2014 TO THE ZOO A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them
SUMMER FIRE SAFETY TIPS GRILLING SAFETY TIPS
to the zoo immediately.” The guy says okay, and drives away. The
Fire in the grill, under the hot dogs and burgers, is a welcome sight at the family get together. Ensure that your kick-off barbecue is memorable for all the right reasons: • Propane and charcoal BBQ grills should only be used outdoors • The grill should be placed well away from the home, deck railings, and out from under overhanging branches • Keep children and pets away from the grill area • Keep your grill clean by removing grease or fat buildup from the grills and the trays beneath the grill • Never leave the grill unattended
next day, the officer sees the guy still driving
CHARCOAL GRILLS
to the beach!”
• There are several ways to get the charcoal ready to use. One way is to use newspaper as a fuel to start the charcoal • If you use starter fluid, use only charcoal starter fluid. Never add charcoal fluid or any other flammable liquids to the fire • Keep charcoal fluid and any ignition sources out of the reach of children and away from heat sources • There are also electric charcoal starters which do not use fire. Be sure to use extension cords specific to outdoor usage • When you are finished grilling, let the coals completely cool before disposing them in a metal container
PROPANE GRILLS
Check the gas tank hose for leaks before using it for the first time each year. Apply a light soap and water solution to the hose. A propane leak will release bubbles. If your grill has a gas leak, by smell or the soapy bubble test, and there is no flame, turn off the tank and the grill. If the leak stops, get the grill serviced by a professional before using it again. If the leak does not stop, call the fire department. If you smell gas while cooking, immediately get away from the grill and call the fire department. Do not move the grill.
PROPANE CYLINDERS
• Use or store cylinders in an upright, vertical position • Before a cylinder is refilled, have the supplier check for dents, damage, rust, or leaks • Cylinders do not last forever. The cylinders must be inspected and re-qualified or replaced every ten years. A date stamp on the collar of the cylinder indicates when it was last qualified • When transporting after fill-up, take the cylinder home immediately. Never leave it in the vehicle. Secure and transport in an upright position keeping the area where the cylinder is located well ventilated with the cylinder valve closed and plugged or capped
around with the truck full of penguins… and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them
Thanks for the Memories A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically in good
NEW WEST CLEAN-UP AND RECYCLING PROGRAM Residential • Commercial • Strata & Industrial Wet Basement Fixed • Backyards Garage Pressure Washing • Grass-cutting Snow Removal
A REMINDER THAT, IN THE CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER, OPEN BURNING IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY SUMMER! Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you and your safety!
FREE ESTIMATES SAME DAY SERVICE SENIOR DISCOUNT
If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
778-387-4460 | 604-544-0391
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July 2014
15
condition for their age, but if they are having
FIND OUT WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU IN 2014.
trouble remembering they might want to start
25% OFF ALL CHART READINGS!
writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Where are you going,” his wife asks. “To the kitchen” he replies. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it,” she asks, recalling the doctor’s suggestion. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.” He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down,” she retorts. Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down. Just don’t start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles on into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
CALL LIZA TODAY AT
778-898-2146 by Liza July 2014
HOROSCOPES
ARIES: Your probably going to hear from past lovers and friends during this time. Mercury is lighting up your 5th house of fun, enjoy the good times ahead. TAURUS: Intuitive insights will light this period. You may feel inventive. Your mind at this time is activated; channel your talent effectively. GEMINI: Go into planning mode and not action mode. Bide your time. Conversations may grow insincere and superficial. Take heed before you speak. CANCER: Personal possessions and finances may preoccupy your mind. Plan your finances for the future and not spend what you have today. LEO: Try not to be to aggressive when conveying your wisdom to others. Make notes when sudden insights occur, they will come in handy in the near future. VIRGO: Your mind may be so receptive that it becomes overwhelmed. Transfer that energy into writing, poetry or something artistic. LIBRA: Invent or create something during this time. Individuality will not work. Get together with others for ideas and creative insights.
says, “Where’s my toast?”
SCORPIO: Easily depressed? Moody? Focus your energies on getting the job done. Make money the main motivator and all will be well.
POSSIBLE TITLES OF COUNTRY SONGS
SAGITTARIUS: Study, do some inspired writing, get philosophical. Learn from people whose wisdom you respect. Plan that vacation now.
She stares at the plate for a moment and
“If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.” “I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like You’re Still Here”. “My husband Ran Off With My Best Friend and now I Miss her.” “He Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.” “He’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.”
CAPRICORN: Your depth might surprise you. Curb your sarcastic wit or arguments will occur. You may be asked to take care of wills or taxes. AQUARIUS: You will work well in group endeavors. Communications within partnerships may cause stress. Listen before reacting. PISCES: This is an excellent time for detailed work and practical thinking. In personal relationships, others may find you cold and fault finding. Be nice.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
16
July 2014
BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC! The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sharon Tidd, MDiv (Cadet) Ministry Leader / Pastor Church Line
604-521-0363
IT TOOK A WHILE Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” “Whoa,” the second kid replies. “Good
Cell
luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
604-644-5271 The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster
Couldn’t walk for a year.”
THANKS FOR THE TIP A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a
What city has been home to 3 BC premiers: John ROBSON, Richard MCBRIDE and Byron JOHNSON?
handsome tip.” The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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July 2014
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LEGION NO.2 631 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER
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MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME! We can’t wait to host your next event.
Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall
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• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit
S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL
318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
18
July 2014 AT THE BARBER SHOP The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators. I’m old, tired, and need to pee too often.
CAMPING WITH ELEGANCE A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know
Open Mon–Sat • Closed Sun
quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C. “Does the camping ground have it’s own B.C.” is what she wrote. Well, the camping ground owner wasn’t a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come
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July 2014
19
up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply. Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort. I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first
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The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
20
July 2014
BASIC TRAINING
The new recruit looked to his mother for
As the family gathered for a big dinner
help, but she was just gazing at him. When she
together the youngest son announced that he
finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really
had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
plan to make your own bed every morning?”
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
NOT A BIT “What’s wrong with Murphy,” asked Father
this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit
Green. “I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he
joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do
swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred
that, did you?”
since,” said Mrs. Murphy.
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
THE PLAQUE One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small National flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.” “Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the
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8:00 or the 9:30?”
PUZZLED DOCTOR The Doctor was puzzled, “I’m
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very sorry Mr. O’Flaherty, but I can’t diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.” “Don’t worry about it Dr. Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
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July 2014
21
SAY THIS AFTER A FEW Where were you going when I saw you coming back? I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
THEY WERE ON CELL Today I gave my dead batteries away… free of charge.
BONO Q: What’s the difference between God and Bono? A: God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
THE QUICKEST WAY TO CORK Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?” Billy says, “In the car.” Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
THE DISCOVERY Irish Scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the, longer you live…
FOR A WHILE, AT LEAST “I’d like some nails,” Mick requested of the tinker. “How long would you like them,” asked the man. “I’m building a house. Forever, if that’s all right with you,” said Mick.
MY SPECIAL UNCLE “Paddy”, says Mary, “if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?” “My uncle Mick,” replies Paddy… “What’s so special about him asks Mary?” “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy… What would happen if you got scared half to death twice?
22
July 2014
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
THE LUCK OF THE IRISH Two Irishmen heading home from the pub on a Friday night. “What’s that lying there says Murphy, looking at the wee brown ball on the pavement?” “It looks like dope,” says O,Connell. Picking it up, he squeezes it, smells it, and throws it down fast saying, “Man it’s dogs dirt.” “Gosh,” says Murphy, “arn’t you lucky ya didn’t stand on it…”
MATERIAL WITNESS
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puzzle #9
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”
corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded
With expectation and anticipation written all
in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating
over his face, the clerk quickly measured out
the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “Meow, Meow”
held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
PADDY GOES TO THE OLYMPICS An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. Solution to June 2014 | P u z z l e
PICTOGRAPH
#8
BY ROSS HOOD
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
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July 2014
23
stadium, the Englishman came
Funny Bones by Jones
upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
PHOTOGRAPHY
778-397-1449
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
730 – 12th St, New Westminster | www.gaborphotography.com Who is General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?”
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118 Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
Manny’s Barber Shop 212 East Columbia New Westminster under Save-On-Foods
778-316-6760 Open 7 days a week Mon-Fri 9–7pm • Sat 8–7pm • Sun 11–6pm
Honestly driven. 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
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everyday starting at 4:30pm
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays