September 2014 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 168
Grand Opening Anvil Centre Sunday, September 14 See P16 & 17 for more
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 2:30pm Sun 9am – 1:30pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
301-12th St, New West
604-377-5889
Congrats Kelly & Iona!
2
September 2014
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.
WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY LABOUR DAY!
Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Find the Message
N I N I G Y E K S H L D M T E
E C T N V Z F X E W E I U X Y
W F O S C Z Y O I D F I V L I
Y S W T I N W O T N W O D N I
C T T E V Q U C I C E F I I A
I A I N E W T A V Q E F W I E
V C N L E A L B I I U N L N W
A I N R I V R F T N G A T M A
T L E A K C E Y C H V D A R C
H I W O W R A T A T X R S H E
E T W P B D I F E P L R E A C
R Y E U H O M R W I I F H X I
T D S A N U R M N N Y L G T V
O O T S Y Y E G H R V N U U I
N W M V U G S Y R B P P H H C
ACTIVITIES ANVIL ATHERTON CENTRE CIVIC DOWNTOWN EVENTS FACILITY FUNCTIONS HEIDI HUGHES MARLING TERRY VALI
Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027
Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Vic Leach 778-237-0052 John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
piffle.ca
Serving the Community of New Westminster HAPPY LABOUR DAY! Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
Judy Darcy, MLA
judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101
Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
September 2014
3
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GREY HAIRS One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
Researchers
She suddenly noticed that her mother had
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several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white,
Dr Robert Henry MacLauchlan & Margaret MacLauchlan 1966 Murders
Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.
Wishing All a y r Da Happy Labou 14 2 & River fest 0
THE WINDMILL AND THE MOVIE STAR
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
Q: What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star? A: “Nice to meet you. I’m a BIG FAN!”
Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
4
September 2014
TIPS: MIKE’S FLOORINGn recom-
solutio Use a cleaning r nt manufacture la a se y b d e d men r. te for the floo a ri p ro p p a is t tha
COLLEGE RULES On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?” One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
Grandson Liam & His Assistant Mike Peterson
EASY COMPUTER FIX I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn’t want to
812 Edinburgh St, New Westminster, BC T: 604-839-7751 F: 604-540-7771 E: info@petersonfloor.ca
admit it but I think this is his true experience. I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.” Richard grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little fellow.
EYE DOCTOR I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
Westminster Building welcomes the Anvil Centre
Built 100 years apart — neighbours for life Community Living Society
Sandy Miller Counselling
Metro Vancouver Port Authority
Supreme Education Services
Kaushal & Company C.A.s
MVP Immigration Consultants
The Amix Group
Amicus Lawyers Blackshire Recruiting Services Inc.
Ross & Company, Barristers & Solicitors
Best Personnel Inc.
David N. Young, Notary Public
Crawford Coins & Medals
DEC Design Mechanical Consultants Ltd.
Board Game Warriors
Aim Higher Consulting Ltd.
Lloyds Travel
Goodwin & Mark Barristers & Solicitors LLP
Priority Permits Ltd.
Dominic Woo, Violin Teacher
Waves Coffee
Firoz M. Kassam, Barrister & Solicitor
Dr Allana Polo Naturopathic Clinic and Pharmacy opening soon
Stan Lanyon, QC Strata Council
Peter Goodwin Dwight Ross Michael Hwang Janet McCartney Vikas Kaushal Ross Chilton Property Manager 1912 – Westminster Trust Building post card. Streets decorated for the royal visit of the Duke of Connaught. Photo courtesy of New Westminster Public Library Access #1941.
~
Eric Coronado of Gateway Property Management Ltd.
1947 – Photo courtesy of the New Westminster Public Library NWPF photo #2496. Photographer: Stride Studios.
711, 713 & 715 COLUMBIA STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER, BC
~
6
September 2014
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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September 2014
7
SUNDOWN FESTIVAL
Saturday, September 13, 3:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. Sundown Dance 7:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. Moody Park
There will be live performances, on stage demos, BBQ, silk screening, games, recreational activities and a headliner band to be announced. Ages 13 to 18 years, $5 in advance and $10 at the entrance. For more information call:
Silisha Ali 604-834-0320 Paolo Zenone 604-515-3081 newwestyouth.ca
RIVERFEST: INSPIRED BY THE FRASER
September 21, 8:00 a.m. to September 27, 5:00 p.m. Fraser River Discovery Centre, 788 Quayside Dr, New Westminster
Celebrate BC and World Rivers Day in New Westminster with RiverFest. Inspired by the river, RiverFest will kick off with the Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup and wrap up with a free, LABOUR DAY 2014 — family-friendly festival consisting of art exhibits, interactive acHERE FOR A GOOD TIME! tivities and crafts, live music and dramatic performances, River Join the New Westminster & District Labour Council, the Tours, the annual Salmon Chowder Cook-Off, and the famous Vancouver & District Labour Council, the BC Federation of Lucille Johnstone Work Boat Parade. For more information, visit Labour and the Canadian Labour Congress in celebrating www.fraserriverdiscovery.org. Labour Day 2014.
Monday, September 1, 11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Swangard Stadium, corner of Kingsway & Boundary, Burnaby Special musical guests: TROOPER
LAWN BOWLING FUNDRAISER FOR QUEEN’S PARK HEALTHCARE FOUNDATION September 20, 3:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. New Westminster Lawn Bowling Club, 710 8th St BBQ, cash bar, raffl es
No experience necessar y — lessons included $40 per person Team or single entries welcome
CHAMBER EXECUTIVES CONFERENCE
The New Westminster Chamber will be hosting the 2014 BC Chamber Executives Conference from September 11 to 13. The conference will be the first conference to be held at the Anvil Centre. This will bring hundreds of delegates from all around the province and provide our city with a golden opportunity to showcase the brand new Anvil Centre, the historic downtown and the waterfront as well as all other business districts and neighbourhoods. The three-day conference typically brings in high — profi le speakers, attracts media attention and stimulates spending throughout the city.
ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE DONATIONS CONTINUE TO EXCEED EXPECTATIONS
As of Monday, August 18, The ALS Association has received Tickets available at Queen’s Park $15.6 million in donations. These donations have come from Care Centre Gift shop, Brick & Morexisting donors and 307,598 new donors. Dave MacMillan of tar Living, Champagne Taste, Royal SUGAR MOUNTAIN CATERING challenges Clint Bondzuk of BIG City Colours. STAR SANDWICH SHOP to take the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
8
September 2014
Funny Bones by Jones DALMATIANS A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy. “No,” said Billy, “he’s just for good luck.” Peter brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs, he said firmly, Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
to find the fire hydrants….”
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September 2014
9
The Home Medical Equipment Specialist
FALL FIRE SAFETY TIPS As summer turns to fall, it’s a good idea to refresh your memory on fall fire safety tips. Some safety tips are the same regardless of the time of year, but many safety concerns are seasonal, particularly those that involve keeping your home warm.
7460 Edmonds St, Burnaby
TIME CHANGES MEAN BATTERY CHANGES
Get in the habit of changing the batteries in your smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors either in the fall or in the spring when adjusting your clocks for seasonal time changes.
HOME HEATING TIPS
No matter what type of heating device you use to heat your home, making sure your heating devices and/or systems are in good working order is an important part of learning some fall fire safety tips. Many things can go wrong with heating equipment during the spring and summer months. Verify that everything you need to keep your home warm throughout fall and winter is in good working order before you experience the first cold snap of the season.
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CENTRAL HEATING SYSTEM SAFETY TIPS
Get your central heating system cleaned, inspected and serviced by a certified HVAC (heating, venting, and air conditioning) contractor every year before using it. If you have a gas heater, make sure that you have a sufficient quantity of fully functioning carbon monoxide detectors installed in your home.
SPACE HEATER SAFETY TIPS
Make sure that any space heaters are surrounded by at least three feet of empty space. Never place clothing or any other objects on a space heater to dry. Do not place space heaters near furniture or drapery. Turn space heaters off when you leave the house or go to bed. When purchasing space heaters, ensure that they are CSA approved and look for the label.
FIREPLACE SAFETY TIPS
Get your chimney inspected each to make sure it is safe. Hire a chimney sweep to clean out your chimney every fall. Repair any cracks in the fireplace. Use fireplace screens to keep sparks and fire debris inside the fireplace. Do not ever use accelerants such as lighter fluid to start a fire in the fireplace. Never leave a fire unattended. Make sure that combustible materials are not stored within three feet of your fireplace. For natural gas fireplaces, get all connections and lines inspected before use each season. Remember that outdoor fireplaces can be just as dangerous as indoor units, and observe all safety precautions when using them. REMEMBER: OPEN BURNING IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN WITHIN THE CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER. WHEN DEALING WITH YARD WASTE, DO NOT BURN IT BUT RATHER USE THE CITY’S GREEN ORGANIC MATERIALS BINS.
Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
10
September 2014
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and
“T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims,
goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met
“Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking,
by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t
closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
How about the next one?” asks St. P eter. “How many seconds in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but
filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an
I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the
entrance examination for everyone. The test
only answer can be twelve.”
is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.” Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.” St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?” Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…” “Hold it, “interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind… but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
question. Can you tell me God’s first name”? “Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Howard.”
Third: What is God’s first name?” Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
“Howard?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter,
how you came up with your answers to my
who waves him up and says, “Now that you
first two questions, but just how in the world
have had a chance to think the questions
did you come up with the name Howard as the
over, tell me your answers.”
first name of God?”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, “Forrest replied. “Don’t you know the Our
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
September 2014
11
Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…” St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CLOSE TO YOUR COMPUTER You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when… 1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer. 8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”. 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
40% LOVE She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12
September 2014
LATE BUS
“That’s the Sydney Opera House” was the
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
reply. “Hmmph” said the Texan, “How long and how
running late, and a lot of time passed.
many men did it take to build?” The Australian
Finally, one woman turned to the other
replied, “About 10 years with 200 men”. The
and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting
Texan replied “Well in Texas we would’ve done
here so long, my butt fell asleep!’.
it in 4 years with 200 men.”
The other woman turned to her and
By this stage the Australian was a little put
said “I know! I heard it snoring!”
out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the
WHAT’S THAT?
Sydney Opera House and as they did the
A very loud Texan Engineer was
Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
visiting Australia, and talking big about
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, “Wow!
all of the large civil works in the USA
What’s that?”
that he was involved in. To be polite
The Australian Engineer replied, “I don’t
his Australian counterpart took him
know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger
TRICKY DOCTOR
constructions. First he took him to Gladesville Bridge.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that
The Texan exclaimed, “What’s that!”
he hasn’t been feeling well.
In reply the Australian said, “Thats the
The doctor examines him, leaves the room
Gladesville Bridge”.
and comes back with three different bottles
“Hmmph” said the Texan, “How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, “About 5 years with 1000 men.”
of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
The Texan replied, “Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500
take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the
men.” Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. “What’s that” said the Texan.
man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
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September 2014
13
The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
HERE COMES THE BRIDE
four to go.’
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was
THE FORTUNE TELLER During a recent outing in New Orleans, a
being interviewed by a local TV station, and
woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller
the commentator asked about what it felt
of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
to be married again at that age and would
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
she share part of her previous experiences,
delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to
since it seem quite unique the fact that her
say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent
a short time to think, a smile came to her
and horrible death this year.”
face and she proudly explained that she had
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the
first married a banker when she was in her
fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single
twenties, in her forties she married a circus
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She
ring master, and in her sixties she married
took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral
She simply had to know. She met the fortune
director. The amazed commentator asked
teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
her why she had married men with such
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
14
September 2014
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puz zle #11
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded
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in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “Thar she blows!”
IS AD M
S IO
N
0 0 REE . $3 ER 12 F
KI D
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. Solution to August 2014
PICTOGRAPH
|
Puzzle #10
BY ROSS HOOD
ND SU
FrEE*
CoMIC TO THE
FIrST 10 0
GUESTS! *Free comics may vary.
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magazines manga monitors parts printer refills printers records software Star wars
• toys & collectibles • VHS • video games • vintage comics • wrestling
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September 2014
15
VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a welldressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. “Go away,” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
COME FOR THE BULL Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man,”OK. I have my one word-’comfortable’.” Why do you want to tell her that,” asked the telegram man. “Oh, she’s not the best reader,” Hoss said. “She’ll read it really slowly”. (Com-for-ta-ble)
HE DIDN’T GROW UP WITH COMPUTERS New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens’. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: ‘Tried but nothing” Tech Support: “What key did you hit? After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
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778-898-2146 by Liza September 2014
HOROSCOPES
ARIES: If you are looking for love/romance, this month you just may find it. It’s a great month for fun and entertainment. Your creative side comes out to play. TAURUS: Quiet time at home will do you a world of good during this time. Relations with parents goes well. Redecorating the home will do you a world of good. GEMINI: Communications of all types really picks up speed. Your eloquent in with your speech. You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your daily life. CANCER: Keep those credit cards at home. Your urge to spend will be great during this time. However, any financial negotiations will go extremely well. LEO: Your looking fabulous during this time and others are noticing. Expressing yourself will come with the greatest of ease. Compromise will work to your benefit. VIRGO: You may be called upon to take care of a loved one during this time. However, do not fall into the negative trap of being a martyr. You have much love to give. LIBRA: Friends and group associations will take up most of your time during this month. Start dreaming of what you want for the future; these dreams will manifest very soon. SCORPIO: Authority figures will see you in a good light during this time. Hand out those resumes if need be. A love relationship with someone older may manifest. SAGITTARIUS: Check your passport and make sure all documents are in order as travel may come up. A good time to start writing that book you have been thinking about. CAPRICORN: Money may come to you through family or business associates. Your sexual nature is turned up a notch so go after the one you want. AQUARIUS: Partnerships of the business and personal nature will thrive during this time. You will understand the needs of your partner and give them what they need. PISCES: A great time for self expression and pouring energy into your creative side. Relations with children and friends go ever so smoothly.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16
September 2014
Arts and Heritage Programs at Anvil Centre Curious about what’s happening at the new Anvil Centre? From watercolour and batik classes to theatre and violin lessons, there is something for everyone! Come and explore your creative side in this beautiful facility. Classes include a variety of workshops for all ages and levels of experience. The Anvil Centre cultural studios are also available for self-guided drop-in sessions that allow visual artists to work on projects, give peer feedback and network. We are offering a series of free sample programs in September to get a taste of what is to come in the fall. We’re celebrating our big move to Anvil Centre at the New Westminster Museum and Archives with new exhibits and programs. Learn about WWII fashion, chat with New Westminster residents who lived through WWII, or weave with invasive plants then explore the temporary exhibits Wait for Me Daddy or Baskets for Barter. Groups are welcome to register for a Museum Tour & Tea to learn about the city’s history in the permanent galleries or groups or individuals can visit on your own time by donation. Join us for a variety of free heritage workshops for adults and Family Fun Days for all ages celebrating the many cultures of New Westminster. For more information or to register for a program please call 604-527-4640 or visit www.newwestpcr.ca to find out about Anvil Centre’s upcoming cultural programs.
GRAND OPENING ANVIL CENTRE
SUNDAY SEPT 14 2014
noon - 6pm
The City of New Westminster’s Mayor and Council invite you to the official GRAND OPENING of Anvil Centre. Festivities will include facility tours, performances, activities and entertainment along Columbia Street.
Ribbon Cutting 1:30pm - 777 Columbia Street
G HT H ST
opening@anvilcentre.ca
EI
WWW.ANVILCENTRE.COM
RE ET
CE EN Y R E IT T NF CIL C O FA EE E AL R R NT UR ST C E LT A I L CU I V D B AN AN UM
CO
L
HYACK SQUARE
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September 2014
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
PRAYERS Pastor: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.
LINE DANCING After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
“She said I don’t know; this is the line for the bathroom.”
MILDRED THE CHURCH GOSSIP Mildred, the church gossip, and selfappointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Peter, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form Name Address
in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Peter (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her
City Province Phone Email
for a moment and just turned and walked
Postal
away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Peter quietly parked his
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pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night. You gotta love Peter.
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A WOMAN’S WISDOM Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed “Lord give me
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September 2014
19
the power and strength the cross the river.” Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it’ll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed “Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river.” the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
The last man thought: if it worked for both of
Seniors Have Talent
them, I know it’ll work for me. So he also knelt
© Susan McLeod
down and prayed “Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river.” He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
ETHICAL BEHAVIOR A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums
In New Westminster, seniors Don’t just sit in rooms and stew. We sing and dance and act and play
of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose
Enjoying what we do.
this case, I’ll be ruined.”
Each senior here has spirit;
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box
We are not all we appear.
of cigars?”
Experience has helped us;
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice
Talents polish every year.
him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of
In New Westminster, seniors
time, the judge rendered a decision in favor
Can perform with skill and fire.
of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did,” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
PUPPIES A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
The timelessness of talent Is a joy that will inspire. Though hair has turned to silver, There is gold in what is true. When sharing we’re uplifted, And the stars will shine anew. “I am pleased to be the Poet Laureate for Honour House and enjoy writing poems about the people, festivals and history of New Westminster.” — Susan McLeod
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
20
September 2014
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EINSTEIN’S SPEECH When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. “I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know
FA L L C L E A N U P 2 0 % OF F!
that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
FAVORITE FLOWER While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
22
September 2014
BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC! The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sharon Tidd, MDiv Lieutenant Corps Officer / Pastor Church Line
604-521-0363
THE INTERVIEW An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. “As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?” “Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was
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admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and
GERRY THE TEACHER A rubber band pistol was confiscated by Gerry the teacher from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
What new building will include the following? • conference and meeting facilities with room for a 500seat reception • multi-purpose meeting rooms, art studios and music practice rooms • Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame
• flexible 350-seat nonproscenium theatre • c ivic Art Gallery and gift shop • City’s Museum and Archives • Tourism New Westminster’s visitor information centre
HOLLAND CHEESE A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that
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September 2014
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goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These” she explained, “Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
LIVE & MARRIAGE Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener!
TIME FLIES Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
HE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT HIS HEARING AID FROM JAMIE LARSEN AT SIMPLE HEARING SOLUTIONS A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
RUMP ROAST The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby. When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.” Crowded elevators smell different to very short people.
24
September 2014
Hyack Ambassador P ro g ra m
2015 applications
open Sept 1, 2014 • close Sept 30, 2014
JENNI
CLAIRE
ANDIE
CEYLIN
TA L I A
hyack festival office
Applicants must be 16-19 yrs of age and resident of New Westminster. Accepted candidates receive post-secondary education scholarship at completion of Ambassador year. Full details in application package.
ANNA
.
604-522-6894
execdirector@hyack.bc.ca www.hyack.ca
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September 2014
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My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
26
September 2014
YOU CAN PUSH AND PUSH
THE INVESTIGATION
No matter how much you push the envelope,
A hole has been found in the nudist camp
it’ll still be stationery.
wall. The police are looking into it.
GOD IS WATCHING
TIRED DOG
At a Catholic school, there was a “meet the
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the
teacher” open house for the 2nd graders.
yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed
After the meeting, a Nun announced that
belly that he had a home.
there would be a small reception afterwards
He followed me into the house, down the
in the cafeteria. All the children and parents
hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour
filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples,
later, he went to the door, and I let him
a plate of cookies, and some water bottles
out. The next day he was back, resumed his
and juice. As the children went through the
position on the couch and slept for an hour.
line, one boy saw that there was a sign on
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I
the plate of apples that said, “Take only
pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon
one. God is watching.” So, the boy took
your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
an apple and moved on to the cookies. He
The next day he arrived with a different note
helped himself, and then took a small piece of
pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with
paper, and wrote: “Take all you want”. God is
four children… he’s trying to catch up on his
watching the apples.”
sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
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27
EGGS Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
DOES YOUR DOG BITE? A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, “Does your dog bite?” The attendant said, “No, he doesn’t.” But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room. Returning to the desk, the man said, “I
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thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.” He directed the attendant’s attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, “My friend that is NOT my dog.”
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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
28
September 2014
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NO ONE CARES If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
A GOOD PITCH A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here,” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
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PICK UP
HERE!
September 2014
Too Much Iron is Unhealthy C
hances are you have never heard of hereditary hemochromatosis, even though it is the most common genetic disorder affecting Canadians of Celtic and European ancestry. Approximately 1 in 300 Canadians have the genetic marker that can cause the condition, but are unaware. If undiagnosed, the consequences are potentially fatal. People with hereditary hemochromatosis, or iron overload, absorb too much iron from their diet. Since there is no regular mechanism for eliminating iron from the body, the excess iron is stored in body tissues and can cause serious damage to vital organs including the liver, joints, pancreas, heart and sexual organs. Because of its inherited nature, future generations are also at risk for hemochromatosis. Diagnosis is difficult since symptoms are vague, often masking themselves as other more common conditions, such as liver disease, arthritis, heart problems, diabetes, endocrine issues or even chronic fatigue. If you have two or more of the symptoms listed to the right which are otherwise unexplained, contact the Canadian Hemochromatosis Society and inquire about the proper tests for hereditary hemochromatosis, or come to the September 22nd Information Session being held at Douglas College. People who are in pre-diagnosis or have been diagnosed with hemochromatosis, medical professionals and students, and others interested in the disorder are welcome. Bring your questions and have them answered by Canadian Hemochromatosis Society representatives. RSVP to office@toomuchiron.ca to reserve your spot. Treatment for hemochromatosis involves therapeutic removal of blood. More information on the diagnosis, treatment and lifelong management of iron overload can be found at www.toomuchiron.ca, or contact the Canadian Hemochromatosis Society at 1-877-BAD-IRON (1-877-223-4766).
29
Are You of
European or Celtic Ancestry? If so, YOU are at risk for
Hereditary Hemochromatosis Information & Awareness Session Monday, Sept 22, 2014, 7pm – 9pm
Douglas College Room 4217, 700 Royal Ave, New Westminster If you have two or more of the following symptoms that are otherwise unexplained, contact the Canadian Hemochromatosis Society to inquire about the proper tests for iron overload. Chronic fatigue Loss of body hair Loss of libido & sex drive; impotence Abdominal distension and discomfort (bloating)
Menstrual irregularities, premature menopause Arthritis and joint pain (check knuckles of thumb, first and second finger) Chondrocalcinosis
Thyroid problems
Diabetes (adult onset type 2)
Sudden weight loss
Enlarged liver, liver diseases including cirrhosis
Elevated liver enzymes, glucose & triglyceride levels Personality changes, mood swings; anger & depression
Bronzing or graying of the skin Cancers (metastasized from the liver) Heart arrhythmia, cardiomyopathy Heart disease; congestive heart failure
Toll-Free: 1-877-BAD-IRON (1-877-223-4766) office@toomuchiron.ca www.toomuchiron.ca
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
30
September 2014
DON’T WORRY
said to the cook, “This guy out there just
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights
alive anyway.
and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
SOUTHERN PHRASES
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper
eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
patch.”
slices of crisp bacon.”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every
“Oh, OK,” said the blonde. She thought
branch on the way down.”
about it for a moment and then spooned up a
“Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been
bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
‘saucered and blowed.’”
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for,
“She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.” “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting
“My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.”
for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
“Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s
AT THE DINNER PARTY
raining.” “He’s as country as corn flakes.”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little
“This is gooder’n grits.”
children entered the dinning room totally
“Busier than a cat covering crap on a
nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they
marble floor.”
pretended nothing was happening and kept he
“If things get any better, I may have to hire
conversation going. The guests cooperated
someone to help me enjoy it.”
and also continued as if nothing extraordinary
FILL ’ER UP
was happening.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and
After going all the way around the room,
placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires,
the children left, and there was a moment of
a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”
silence at the table, during which one child
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting
was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing
to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and
cream!”
“Let’s Get Ahead Together”
Roveen Kandola
Real Estate Transaction Specialist
604-644-7653(SOLD) To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
September 2014
31
KICK THE DOOR Pete and Larry had not seen each other in
Our small prices will leave you with a…
many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.” “Good. But tell me… what is all this
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business of kicking the front door open, then
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”
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“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”
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