November 2014
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November 2014 | YOUR COMMUNITY HUMOUR MAGAZINE | Issue 170
Authorized By Clare Kroeker Financial Agent 778-895-4455
RE-ELECT
RE-ELECT MAYOR WAYNE WRIGHT
Bill Harper For City Council
I have the vision and experience to make it happen.
The Wright Choice! VOTEWAYNEWRIGHT.CA
www.billharper.ca
RE-ELECT
Jonina CAMPBELL for School Board Vote CAMPBELL on Nov. 15
joninacampbell.ca joninacampbellcampaign joninacampbell Authorized by A.Campbell, Financial Agent, 604-759-9990
– ELEC T – ASHDOWN, John MARGE ASHDOWN For City Council T O N E W W E S T M I N S T E R C O U N C I L Advocating for a Better Business and Taxpayer Balance on City Council Traffic – Productivity – Transparency Authorized by Carol Wierzbicki, Financial Agent 604-521-1295
✓ An Independent ❑ candidate ✓ A caring volunteer ❑ for citizens ✓ Looking to bring ❑ balance and representation to Council
Authorized by C. Wierzbicki, Financial Agent 604.521.1295
ER EMYP E R RY Re Elect
VOTE ON NOVEMBER 15 TH
CHUCK
PUCHMAYR
Financial Agent Chuck Puchmayr chuck.puchmayr@gmail.com
Councillor. Experience and Vision.
INSPIRING C H A N GE
On November 15th, Vote ‘X’ Lorrie Williams
• Experienced • Hard Working • Ethical
“Save the last vote for me.”
Re-Elect
Lorrie Williams
Councillor, New Westminster
604.521.3416 • lorriew@shaw.ca Authorized by Leona Green 604-618-2506
MARK GIFFORD FOR SCHOOL TRUSTEE
STRONG SCHOOLS, TOGETHER. markgifford.ca
FOR NEW WESTMINSTER SCHOOL BOARD AUTHORIZED BY JEREMY PERRY, FINANCIAL AGENT, 604.441.1475
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
Authorized by Bill Harper, Financial Agent, bharper3@shaw.ca
ELECT
778-895-4455
Authorized by M. Pluszka Financial Agent
604-441-8713
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 2:30pm Sun 9am – 1:30pm
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
301-12th St, New West
604-523-6767
604-377-5889
The Wayne Wright Advantage: •12 years delivering as promised as Mayor of New Westminster.
Authorized By Clare Kroeker Financial Agent 778-895-4455
• Proven independent leader working for you, not special interests. • As a TransLink Board member, I am in a strong position to help effectively address our transportation issues. My love for our city compels me to support Mayor Wayne Wright for re-election. His leadership, honesty, and accountability have earned the community trust. Why would anyone think about replacing a winner. – Paul Forseth, Retired Member of Parliament
The Wright Choice!
WWW.VOTEWAYNEWRIGHT.CA
778-895-4455
November 2014
604-715-7072
3
a fresh face for council
www.marytrentadue.ca • mary.trentadue@gmail.com
Authorized by CJ Oxenbury, Financial Agent, 604 628 9594
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Remember our Freedom
Researchers
604.619.8455 Dr Robert Henry MacLauchlan & Margaret MacLauchlan 1966 Murders Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.
Vote on November 15
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca
By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
RE-ELECT Bill Harper For City Council
I have the vision and experience to make it happen.
New Westminster wants safe and friendly streets, a thriving economy that supports our families, to preserve our culture and heritage, and a sense of community we can be proud of. I support no increased capacity to traffic on our streets. I worked hard to bring the Pier Park, the Anvil Centre, new pool, art facilities and 399 new childcare spaces to the city. We worked hard to reduce homelessness in our city by 55%.
• 9 years on council • Chair of the Economic Advisory Committee • Co-Chair Intelligent City Committee • Chair of the Arts commission • Chair of the Seniors Advisory Committee • Chair Save Saint Mary’s Coalition Authorized by Bill Harper, Financial Agent, bharper3@shaw.ca
www.billharper.ca •
@BillHarperNW •
EMAIL bharper3@shaw.ca
•
PHONE 604-522-0253
November 2014
5
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
– Calvin
ON NOVEMBER 15
ELECT CALVIN
DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER An experienced and dedicated person who since the last election continues to serve the community. A member of Mayor Wayne Wright’s “WAIT FOR ME DADDY” Task Force. 1st & 2nd Vice President of the Royal Canadian Legion Branch #2.
Secretary for the Sapperton Old Age Pensioners.
Senior Services Society past president.
Musical host for a variety of festivals and events throughout the city each year.
A Century House volunteer presenting a community musical program several times a year that helps to raise funds for senior programs.
Has been an energetic volunteer in many different capacities in our community. Authorized by Earl Marshall, fi nancial agent 604-520-3889.
On November 15, mark one of your six votes for Calvin Donnelly… a name you know and can trust!
Contact Cal at 604-250-3564 or email calvindonnelly14@gmail.com
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November 2014
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November 2014
7
SOCIAL KNITWORK
appreciate any donations you may have in the way of:
November 5, 7:00 p.m. New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave
• Jewellery
Knitters are invited to join Social Knitwork, a new drop-in knitting group at the New Westminster Public Librar y that began in September. This drop-in group will meet the first Wednesday of the month and is open to all ages and skill levels. The only requirement is to enjoy knitting and chatting with other knitters. Bring your own yarn, needles, scissors, and supplies. The 2014 fall dates for Social Knitwork take place at 7: 00 p.m. on the following Wednesdays: November 5 and December 3.
www.nwpl.ca, 604-527-4660
CENTURY HOUSE ASSOCIATION CRAFT SALE & TEA
• Kitchenware • China • Books • Plants • Knick Kacks • Records, CDs, DVDs • Home baking (to be delivered Friday November 7 only) Please no clothes, linens or furniture as our White Elephant area is limited. Donations will be accepted from Saturday WAYANG: INDONESIAN November 1 through to Friday, November 7 at 12:00 noon directly to Century House SHADOW PUPPET SHOW – 620 8th St (in Moody Park). November 8, Saturday,
LADIES AUXILIARY F.O.E. #20 CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR
November 8, 10:30 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. Century House, 620 8th St Lots of Crafts & Gift Ideas Galore!
Enjoy afternoon tea followed by browsing the white elephant area, bake sale, books, jewelry, pottery, crafts, quilting and lots of raffles! DONATIONS! DONATIONS! DONATIONS! In order to make this event a success, we need your help. We would
11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St, New Westminster
SATURDAY,
Free admission, all ages welcomed!
NEW WESTMINSTER
2014 GENERAL LOCAL ELECTION
NOV. 8TH 10–5PM 707 Twelfth Street
RSVP 604-527-4640 or museum@newwestcity.ca
November 15, 8:00 a.m. – 8:00 p.m. INFORMATION: MARGE 604.838.2675
For a complete list of voting locations, please email elections@newwestcity.ca or phone 604-636-4484 or 604-636-4485.
WINTER ART & CRAFT MARKET
November 8, 10:00 a.m. – 5:30 p.m. 100 Braid St Studios, 200-100 Braid St
Original fi ne art & craft from over 20 artists & artisans; talk to Artists about their art and processes, demos, try out our Splatter Room, learn about Artism — our new program for children and adults with special needs. Refreshments provided.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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November 2014
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Find the Message
D O V E P X H D N R H Y X I K
O T U A S L C E A O K T H T X
S E T H P V N M L Y D I D K Q
N E G S R E T O V A K C N U I
T N E Z I T I C V M C C R V D
F J W T I U X R Z E T X W U A
O G Z Y S V Y A U U M N Z R S
R D M T C U V C H S C B M Z N
G J F M M G R Y H V T G E O Y
E B P L V F O T K P S E I R C
C O U N C I L L O R S T U R W
T A L I C N U O C F C H V J X
T G F L O O H C S E D W M A E
O B T D R A O B L F I Y A A X
V H D X G N V E U K F B D R G
BOARD
CITIZEN CITY
COUNCIL
COUNCILLORS DEMOCRACY ELECTION MAYOR
NOVEMBER SCHOOL
TRUSTEES VOTERS
_ _ _ ‘ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
When the person solving the puzzle finds all the words, the hidden message will be revealed.
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November 2014
9
MARTINI Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
THE SINGER The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open. As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. “How did you like my execution,” she asked. The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”
THANK YOU The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?” “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”
ASHDOWN, John For City Council Advocating for a Better Business and Taxpayer Balance on City Council Revisit the taxpayer subsidized and self-serving “Living Wage Policy”, Equal Support for Businesses, Senior’s and Taxpayers.
Traffic – Productivity – Transparency Email ashdowneagle@shaw.ca Phone 604-657-5600
www.johnashdown.com
Authorized by Carol Wierzbicki, Financial Agent 604-521-1295
LINGERIE Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-ofhearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife. The clerk says, “Sheer?” And the man replies “No. She is in another store.”
THE DRESS A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady “May I try on that cute dress in the window?” The sales lady replied; “Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?”
RIGHT OR LEFT? Recently while attending a dinner party, by way of conversation, the guest seated beside me asked, “Do you stir your coffee with your right hand or your left?” I replied, “My right hand.” The response, “Interesting indeed, I stir mine with a spoon!” Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
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November 2014
Re-Elect
Lorrie Williams
IT WILL KILL YOU A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
Councillor, New Westminster • Hard Working • Experienced • Ethical
On November 15th, Vote ‘X’ Lorrie Williams
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-yearold man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake?”
“Because I Care About My City.”
604.521.3416 • lorriew@shaw.ca Authorized by Leona Green 604-618-2506
PUZZLED A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh… “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2014
11
WHICH MACHINE? A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want
Returning to the desk, the man said, “I thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.”
to impress that beautiful girl, which machine
He directed the attendant’s attention to the
can I use?” The trainer replied; “Use the ATM
dog, who now had returned to the rug. The
outside the gym!!!”
attendant simply answered, “My friend that is NOT my dog.”
ME TO DOC A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
PEEPING TOM You know you’re getting old when the
husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the
“peeping tom” leaves a note saying: “PLEASE
looks of your wife at all.”
PULL THE BLINDS”.
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.” A man was checking into a hotel when he
I’M UP ANYHOW A man mentioned to his landlord about
saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near
the tenants in the apartment over his.
the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind
“Many a night they stamp on the floor
the desk, he asked, “Does your dog bite?”
and shout till midnight.” When the landlord
The attendant said, “No, he doesn’t.” But as
asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not
the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it
really, for I usually stay up and practice
bit his hand and held on so tightly that the
my trumpet till about that time most every
man had to throw him across the room.
night anyway.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked.
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November 2014
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OF KNOWLEDGE!
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NOV 2014
ARIES: Your daily life becomes busy with activity. You are able to accomplish a great deal during this time. Avoid arguments with co-workers and concentrate on getting things done.
IS AD M
S IO
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TAURUS: Expressing yourself takes on a whole new meaning. You are more competitive now so make good use of those energies. Your love nature is strong, go after what you want.
KI D
ND SU
GEMINI: Much activity takes place within your home. Much can be accomplished in this area. Your professional life may oppose your ideas, best to keep a low profile. CANCER: Communications may take on a defiant tone. Conflicts within your daily life are apparent. Refrain from coming across as a “know it all” — listen and digest before reacting. LEO: Not everyone thinks the way you do about your belief system so watch your reactions in this area. Understanding others will work wonders. Possessions do not make the person. VIRGO: You have the opportunity to show the world what you can do, so do it. You may find yourself having to fight for your rights or belief systems. Physical activity is strong.
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LIBRA: Are you not getting the credit you think you deserve? This is not a good time to assert yourself. You will be able to put your plan into action next month. For now, patience. SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Much can be accomplished within a group; not a good time to go it alone. Get together with friends for the support you require. SAGITTARIUS: You have great ambition to achieve just avoid challenging authority figures. Conflict with bosses will come easy so be aware of others requirements and not just yours. CAPRICORN: You have a strong need to assert your belief systems onto others. Don’t waste time on defending your ideas, rather, look for new experiences to add new dimensions to your life. AQUARIUS: There may be disagreement within partnerships about money. It's not a good time to ask for that loan. Any new relationships formed now will have a powerful effect on you. PISCES: Compromise is the name of the game for you now. Avoid all conflicts. If you must argue and defend, make sure it is worth fighting for. A great deal of energy can be put back into all relationships.
• boardgames • cameras • Canucks memorabilia • CDs • DVDs • hardware • Hot Wheels • jewellery
• • • • • • • • •
magazines manga monitors parts printer refills printers records software Star Wars
• toys & collectibles • VHS • video games • vintage comics • wrestling
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November 2014
13
THE SKYDIVER
THE LOUVRE
A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the
A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the robbery and
ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,”
getting in and out and past security, he was
he says to himself, “I still have my emergency
captured only three blocks away when his
chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his
Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he
emergency parachute, and once again, nothing
could mastermind such a crime and then make
happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What
such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no
am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing,
FITNESS A woman on the phone to her friend; I
but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me.
feel like my body has gotten totally out of
If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the
shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to
man gets close enough to him, the skydiver
join a fitness club and start exercising…
cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know
I decided to take and aerobics class for
anything about parachutes?”
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
The man coming up cups his hands and yells
and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
back, “No! Do you know anything about gas
by the time I got my leotards on, the class
stoves?”
was over.
Introducing the Next Generation of McINTOSH.
On November 15, 2014
Elect SCOTT McINTOSH for New Westminster City Council.
An Independent Candidate. Phone Email
604.619.8455 scottmcintosh@shaw.ca @Scott_I_Mc
Authorized by Financial Agent E. McIntosh, 604 619 8455
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter machine.
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November 2014
MAILLARDVILLE MAURICE
younger and you used to put your arm around
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the
me?”
doctor for his physical.
The old man puts his arm around the old
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice
woman. Then she says, “Remember when we
walking down the street with a gorgeous
were younger and you used to nibble on my
young lady on his arm.
ear?”
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to
To the old woman’s surprise, the old man
Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great,
gets up off the couch and starts to walk
aren’t you?”
away. “Honey, where are you going,” she says.
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said,
GRUMPY
“You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
While on a road trip, an elderly couple
I’LL BE RIGHT BACK
stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand. Then she says, “Remember when we were
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to
Election day is November 15, 2014
PATRICK
JOHNSTONE
PJNewWest @PJNewWest
for New Westminster City Council
www.patrickjohnstone.ca A Record of Serving New Westminster 2013 Citizen of the Year Chamber of Commerce Platinum Awards
2012 NextUP Award recipient NewsLeader and N.E.X.T New West
Director: Brow of the Hill Residents Association New Westminster Environmental Partners Royal City Curling Club
Council Advisory Committees: Master Transportation Plan Transit, Bicycle, and Pedestrians Emergency Advisory Community and Social Issues
Creating conversations in print, and on-line as “NWimby”. Everywhere in town, lending a hand.
A Plan to Represent New Westminster Patrick has what it takes to move our community forward.
Transportation: We need solutions that respect our neighbourhoods and improve liveability. The impacts are local, but the solutions are regional. We need to continue to draw the line on through-traffic and work with our neighbours to provide better options.
Balancing Growth: Growth must respect what we love about New Westminster. We can achieve this by encouraging a diverse local economy, investing in infrastructure and amenities, and assuring we maintain the “community spirit” that drives us.
Representation: City Hall should communicate better and be more accessible. We can start by taking City Hall out into our community. As your Councillor, I will ensure Council not only listens but also provides direct feedback, in plain language and in real time. Patrick is a communicator and a collaborator, and is ready to represent you on City Council. Authorized by A. Dixon-Warren, Financial Agent. 778-791-1002
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2014
15
the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
a fresh face for council
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
604-715-7072
www.marytrentadue.ca • mary.trentadue@gmail.com Authorized by CJ Oxenbury, Financial Agent, 604 628 9594
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat.”
I’VE BEEN PLACES I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not! I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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November 2014
OIL TANK REMOVAL
THE PIFFLE WAY OF THINKING Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
THE FORTH MARRIAGE A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be
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married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2014 men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
17
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
PUZZLE #13
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover
BY ANY OTHER NAME Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic
a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “LOOKING FOR A NUT!”
you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.” “That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. Solution to October 2014 | PUZ ZLE #12
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
WHAT COULD BE WRONG? An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
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November 2014
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Waiting for the world to change © Janet Kvammen For the children who pray each night Come back, Dad — I need you, too An October sky the colour of mourning doves veils the city of New Westminster Lines of BCR’s bravely wave goodbye Duke of Connaught’s Own Rifles stand strong together Filling the 8th St hill far as the eye can see Everyone out to wish them off A fi ve year old boy with a shock of white hair breaks from his mother’s grasp as he desperately tries to catch up “Dad wait for me Daddy don’t go Take me with you, wait!” Out of the blue a camera flashes Province reporter Claude P. Dettloff captures the scene soon to spread across the world wide frozen in time Life magazine October 21, 1940 page 37
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form Name Address
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Mommy says “Daddy is going somewhere you can’t go, Come back here and stay close to me.” Mom is mad at me what is going on? So many soldiers loved ones left behind take turns embarking on a ship first to Nanaimo for training then off to Europe to fight a war 74 years ago still waiting for change
Janet Kvammen, a Director of the Royal City Literary Arts Society, is very active in the New Westminster uniVerse. A recent recipient of a World Poetr y Award as well as a WIN 2012 Distinguished Poet/Artist Award, Janet has been published in a dozen poetry anthologies. This poem was featured in the recent Wait For Me, Daddy Poetry Walk in Downtown New West. Check out her photography, art and more on her Facebook page, PlanetJanet Creations. www.rclas.com
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
November 2014
19
RUNNING BEAR Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! His friend says to him “You’re crazy! There’s no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you’ll never be able to out run it,” and the guy says, “I only have to out run you!”
PIFFLE PUBLISHER AND THE DOCTOR A local magazine publisher is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” the doctor ordered. “The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the publisher returns, he’s lost nearly
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20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing,” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?” The publisher nods, “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third
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day.” “From hunger, you mean,” the doc questioned. “No, from skipping.”
SIMON FRASER’S REVENGE A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life. He went to the waterfront to try it out on a statue of Simon Fraser. After application, Simon Fraser began to move and soon was completely alive. The scientist asked, “What’s the first thing you’ll do, Simon?” He answered while drawing his pistol “I’m going to shoot about a million pigeons!”
IN NS S PPIIRRI INN GG CC HA NAGNEG E I H VOTE WITH ME ON NOVEMBER I N S P IVOTE RIN G C H A N G E15 WITH ME ON NOVEMBER 15 TH
VOTE WITH ME ONTogether NOVEMBER 15 TH we can create
TH
a brighter education forcreate our students. Together we can Together we can create Increasing our financial responsibility a brighter education for our students. a brighter education for our students.
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20
November 2014
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November 2014
21
GOODBYE MOTHER A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
– ELEC T –
MARGE ASHDOWN TO NEW WESTMINSTER COUNCIL
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and
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continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I
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only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
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22
November 2014
2014 GENERAL LOCAL ELECTION NOTICE OF ELECTION BY VOTING PUBLIC NOTICE IS HEREBY given to the electors of the City of New Westminster that an election by voting is necessary to elect one (1) Mayor, six (6) Councillors, and seven (7) School Trustees, and that the persons nominated as candidates and for whom votes will be received are:
MAYOR – One (1) to be elected Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
COTE
Jonathan X.
New Westminster
KRASNOGOR
Vladimir
New Westminster
CROSTY
James
New Westminster
WRIGHT
Wayne
New Westminster
COUNCILLOR – Six (6) to be elected Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
ASHDOWN
John
New Westminster
KADIOGLU
Matt
Vancouver
ASHDOWN
Marge
New Westminster
KAINTH
Tej
New Westminster
BELL
Jim
New Westminster
LIU
Gerry
New Westminster
BLOCK
Tracey
New Westminster
McEVOY
Jaimie
New Westminster
BRETT
David
New Westminster
McINTOSH
Scott
New Westminster
CARTWRIGHT Catherine
New Westminster
PALMER
Gavin
New Westminster
DONNELLY
Calvin
New Westminster
PUCHMAYR
Chuck
New Westminster
FOLKA
Mike
New Westminster
TRENTADUE
Mary
New Westminster
GUPTA
Raj
Vancouver
WILLIAMS
Lorrie
New Westminster
HARPER
Bill
New Westminster
WOLDRING
Harm
New Westminster
JOHNSTONE
Patrick
New Westminster
SCHOOL TRUSTEE – Seven (7) to be elected Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
Surname
Usual Names
Jurisdiction of Residence
ARMSTRONG
Glen
New Westminster
JANZEN
James
New Westminster
BELL
Jim
New Westminster
MORTENSEN
Mary Ann
New Westminster
CALDWELL
Cort Ray
New Westminster
PANDEY
Rajiv
Vancouver
CAMPBELL
Jonina
New Westminster
PEPA
James
New Westminster
COOK
Casey
New Westminster
PERRY
Jeremy
New Westminster
EWEN
Michael
New Westminster
SLADE-KERR
Kelly
New Westminster
GIFFORD
Mark
New Westminster
continued…
November 2014
23
GENERAL VOTING DAY, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2014 General Voting Day will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster on Saturday, November 15, 2014 between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. at the following locations: #
Voting Location
Address
1
Queen Elizabeth Elementary School
921 Salter Street
2
Connaught Heights Elementary School
2201 London Street
3
Lord Tweedsmuir Elementary School
1714 Eighth Avenue
4
Lord Kelvin Elementary School
1010 Hamilton Street
5
Century House
620 Eighth Street
6
St. Barnabas Anglican Church Hall
1010 Fifth Avenue
7
Royal City Centre Mall
Community Room, 610 Sixth Street
8
Herbert Spencer Elementary School
605 Second Street
9
Glenbrook Middle School
701 Park Crescent
10
FW Howay Elementary School
91 Courtenay Crescent
11
Richard McBride Elementary School
331 Richmond Street
12
Sapperton Pensioners Hall
318 Keary Street
13
Glenbrook Park Amenities Centre
76 Jamieson Court
14
Royal Westminster Armory
530 Queens Avenue
15
River Market
207 – 810 Quayside Drive
16
Shops at New West (New Westminster SkyTrain Station)
323 – 888 Carnarvon Street
Please note that voting cards are not issued to New Westminster electors for the Municipal Election. Qualified electors are entitled to vote once at any one of the above locations.
ADVANCE VOTING OPPORTUNITIES Advance Voting Opportunities will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster: Day of Vote
Voting Location #1
Voting Location #2
Wednesday, November 5th (required under the Section 97(2) of the Local Government Act)
New Westminster Lawn Bowling Clubhouse, 710 Eighth Street
Council Chambers, City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue
Saturday, November 8th
New Westminster Lawn Bowling Clubhouse, 710 Eighth Street
Wednesday, November 12th
New Westminster Lawn Bowling Clubhouse, 710 Eighth Street
All qualified electors will be eligible to vote during Advance Voting.
Council Chambers, City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue continued…
24
November 2014
SPECIAL VOTING OPPORTUNITIES Special Voting Opportunities for the 2014 General Local Election will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster on Monday, November 10, 2014 and Thursday, November 13, 2014 at the following times and locations: Voting Location
Address
Time of Vote
Dunwood Place *See note
901 Colborne Street
Nov 10 from 10 am to 2 pm
Thornebridge Gardens
649 – 8th Avenue
Nov 10 from 3 pm to 6 pm
Royal Columbia Hospital
330 East Columbia Street
Nov 13 from 9 am to 12 noon
Queen’s Park Care Centre
315 McBride Blvd.
Nov 13 from 1 pm to 4 pm
Only qualified electors of New Westminster who are patients/residents at the above facilities on the dates and times shown are eligible to vote at the special voting opportunities. Where the patient/resident is unable to attend the voting place within the facility, election officials may attend the patient for the purpose of receiving their ballot. *NOTE: Qualified residents of Ross Tower, Rotary Tower, and Kiwanas Tower are also allowed to vote at the Dunwood Place Special Vote.
ELECTOR REGISTRATION If you are not on the list of electors, you may register at the time of voting by completing the required application form available at the voting place. To register you must meet the following qualifications: • 18 years of age or older; and • Canadian citizen; and • resident of BC for at least 6 months immediately preceding voting day; and
• resident of OR registered owner of real property in the City of New Westminster at least 30 days immediately preceding voting day; and • not otherwise disqualified by law from voting.
Resident electors will be required to produce 2 pieces of identification, at least one of which must contain the applicant’s signature. The identification documents must prove identity and proof of residency in the City of New Westminster. Non-resident property electors (NRPEs) who have not yet registered with the City will be required to bring the following: • Application to register as an NRPE; • If more than one person owns the property, a completed consent form signed by the majority of owners must accompany the application;
• A copy of a real property tax notice issued by the City of New Westminster; and • One document that provides evidence of identity and contains the elector’s signature.
FOR FURTHER INFORMATION please visit our website at www.newwestcity.ca/elections or contact the Election Office at elections@newwestcity.ca or call Chief Election Officer Isabell Hadford 604-636-4484 or Deputy Chief Election Officer Philip Lo at 604-636-4485.
November 2014
25
“Let’s Get Ahead Together”
Roveen Kandola
Real Estate Transaction Specialist
604-644-7653(SOLD) THE OLD VULTURES As migration approached, two elderly
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot.
vultures doubted they could make the trip
This parrot had been trained for 15 years to
south, so they decided to go by airplane.
memorize the entire Bible. You could mention
When they checked their baggage, the
any verse in the Bible and the parrot could
attendant noticed that they were carrying
quote it word for word. How useful his nearly
two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check
blind mother would find that!
the raccoons through as luggage,” she asked. “Nah,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in
NOT BAD
one room, and it’s much too large for me to
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion
clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.” Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could
thinking this would surely be the best any of
ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really
them could offer her.
don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes
Next, she went to son number three and said,
with a chauffeur included thinking he would
“Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful
surely win her approval.
gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
26
November 2014
THE WEALTHY WIDOWER Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy
deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked
widower, shows up at the Country Club with
his collections manager to leave a voice-mail
a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
for them saying, “We can’t ship your new
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks
order until you pay for the last one.” The next
everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex
day the collections manager received a collect
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s
phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t
arm and listens intently to his every word.
wait that long.”
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT
“Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
After reading the complicated instructions
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They
for the automatic teller, the confused
are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So,
customer walked over to a bank officer.
how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“Excused me,” said the customer, “but I
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.
was wondering if you could help me out.”
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
“Certainly,” smiled the officer. “Go right
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
through that door.”
PLEASE CANCEL
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November 2014
27
Re-elect
Michael Ewen for School Board Completing our new schools
École Qayqayt Elementary is now open, and the new Fraser River Middle School is underway. We continue to work with the Province and the City to finalize a plan for a new high school. This is priority one.
Protecting and improving public education I have a proven record of standing up for public education and fighting for the resources our students need. We must work together to ensure the Province fully funds public education.
Providing the programs and services our children need We provide a great education, with neighbourhood schools and diverse programs. Our students have complex learning needs, and we need to ensure better staff support and technical infrastructure in their classrooms. We need to inspire our staff to expand their teaching practices to meet the changing needs of our community.
Twitter: @msewen Website: michaelewen.ca Authorized by Michael Ewen 604-603-4193
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November 2014
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November 2014
29
WILLIAM
her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
impolite, Patty said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to the bank manager.” She walked back to the manager’s office
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands
and said, “There is a frog out here, asking
full with the child screaming for sweets
for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this
in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
trinket is all he has for collateral.” The bank
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the
manager picked up the trinket and looked at it
other aisles.
carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy,
said, “Why it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan.”
William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.” Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
KEEPING AND EYE ON THE APPLES The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
head of the table was a large pile of apples.
items out of the cart, and Granddad says
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple
again in a controlled voice, “William, William,
tray:
relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business,
other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa..”
KITTENS “Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William… the little fellow’s name is Kevin.”
THE LOAN ARRANGER One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.” Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.” To which the
In the upcoming election, the City of New Westminster electors will elect: • One (1) Mayor; • Six (6) Councillors; and • Seven (7) School Trustees. What day will the election be held?
frog replied, “I have collateral,” as he handed A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
30
November 2014
FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES? The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.”
THE PICK POCKET A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an
He asked how many of the congregation
option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense
have forgiven their enemies? About half held
lawyer knowing that his client could not pay
up their hands. He then repeated his question.
the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; ?Your
Now about 80 % held up their hands.
honor, my client can only afford $50, but if
He then repeated his question once more.
you allow him a few minutes in the crowd?
All responded, except one elderly lady. “Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
THE GOLD WATCH Bill: Where did you get that gold watch
“I don’t have any.”
Joe?
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”
Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it?
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front
watch, and me!!
and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of them!”
POSTAL WORKERS ALWAYS GET THE BLAME While working in a post office, a lady barged in complaining that she got home to find a note from the mail man saying that he tried
THE PLUMBING OPERATION A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called
to deliver a package but nobody was home. “My husband was home all day,”, she fumed.
a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his
After giving her the package I heard her tell
tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
somebody “Oh, I’m so excited, my husbands
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
new hearing aids!”
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!” The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
BUYING A CAR One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
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November 2014
31
the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay. The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000. The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is wanting to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.
FAST BALL Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball. Jonah: Here’s my paper. Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay. Lets hear what you wrote. Jonah: Game called off on account of rain.
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November 2014
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horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information. “We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we’ve instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say ‘Thanks God’ to get him to stop you must say ‘Our Father Who Art in Heaven,” Settling into the saddle, Marlow said “ Thanks God,” and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn’t remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
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“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know
“We didn’t do nothing,’” the beachcomber said.
how he got into the house without waking my
“Wow,” said the tourist.
wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
The beachcomber added, “The sharks got ‘em.”
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As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,”
guide led them through the process of cheese
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
making, explaining that goats milk was used.
out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These”, she explained, “are the older
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this,” she replied. “Probably that I married you for your money.”
goats put out to pasture when they no longer
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta.
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
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November 2014 OUR CONVERSATIONS ARE DIFFERENT Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure
ELECTRICITY AND FIRE SAFETY TIPS
when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your
Flipping a light switch. Plugging in a coffeemaker. Charging a laptop computer. These are second nature for most of us. Electricity makes our lives easier. However, we need to be cautious and keep safety in mind.
SAFETY TIPS
• Have all electrical work done by a qualified electrician. • Only plug in one heat-producing appliance (such as a coffeemaker, toaster, space heater, etc.) into a receptacle at a time. • Major appliances (refrigerators, dryers, washers, stoves, air conditioners, etc.) should be plugged in directly into a wall receptacle outlet. Extension cords and plug strips should not be used. • Arc Fault Circuit Interrupters (AFCIs) are a kind of circuit breaker that shuts off electricity when a dangerous condition occurs. Consider having them installed in your home. • Use Ground Fault Circuit Interrupters (GFCIs) to reduce the risk of shock. GFCIs shut off an electrical circuit when it becomes a shock hazard. They should be installed in bathrooms, kitchens, garages, and basements. All outdoor receptacles should be GFCI protected. • Check electrical cords to make sure they are not running across doorways or under carpets. Extension cords are intended for temporary use. • Use light bulbs that match the recommended wattage on the lamp or fixture. • Keep things that burn away from light bulbs. • When using power strips, check the manufacturer’s recommendations as to how to use it safely and how to not overload its intended purpose. • Call a qualified electrician or your landlord if you have: problems with blowing fuses or tripping circuit breakers, a tingling feeling when you touch an electrical appliance, discolored or warm wall outlets, a burning or rubbery smell coming from an appliance, flickering or dimming lights, and sparks from an outlet.
THERE’S A POWER OUTAGE, SO NOW WHAT?
DO: • If you see a downed power line, report it — and stay well away. • Unplug appliances and electronics, and turn thermostats down to a minimum to protect them from power surges when power is restored. • Limit cell phone use to conserve battery life. • Keep generators outdoors, well away from windows and doors. DON’T: • Use BBQs, propane heaters, or portable generators indoors or in an enclosed space. They generate carbon monoxide which can be fatal. • Use a gas stove as a source of heat. FINALLY… CANDLE WITH CARE! Make sure that lit candles are never left unattended. Use solid bases that prevent candles from tipping over.
Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts… that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh… that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms… see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.
I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY LOVE Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last. “Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim. “Please, please, tell me, is there anything I can do for you?” “Well,” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.” “You have nothing to worry about Anne,” said Jim taking her hand, “I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
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36
November 2014
Our small prices will leave you with a…
STOP POTHERING THOSE PEOPLE A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you… we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore
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the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply. I believe passionately that we need to protect and enhance public education, ensuring a quality experience for all students, in order to keep our community strong, safe and healthy. Authorized by James Janze
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HE SAID WHAT? So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street
to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the
where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over
trunk of the car and flinches: but it was
and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
completely empty… The woman brandishes a
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for
THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his
backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-
last. Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it
talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad
only made sense that he should have a woman
pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to
to share his riches with. Eddy approached his
the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your
childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a
license,” he asks sternly.
regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire!
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He
Do you wanna come home with me?” “Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love
squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,”
to come home with you.” And that’s the story
he mumbles. “Can I see the registration
how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.
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November 2014
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BLESS YOU Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over. “What’s the problem”, asked his wife. “Are you OK?” “I just dreamed that I died,” responded a shaken Adam. “And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over,” asked his wife. “You bet,” exclaimed Adam. “I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed… and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”
A GIFT FOR THE MOTHER-IN-LAW Two guys were talking at work. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one. “What is it?” “My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?” “What did you buy her last year,” the other
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one asked. “Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.” “Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other. The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering
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for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law
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weren’t so thoughtful!” Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”
MY DARLING, MY SUGAR “Sugar, why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He
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“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
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November 2014
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