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January 2015 | YOUR COMMUNITY HUMOUR MAGAZINE | Issue 172
Salim Hassan
Marketing Manager, River Market at Westminster Quay See feature on P12
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
20
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2
January 2015
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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January 2015
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January 2015
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My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here. My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer. A-chasing the deer and following the roe, My heart’s in the Highlands wherever I go. – Robert Burns
IT POPPED OUT OF THE HEARSE A not-so-subtle story concerns the coffin that popped out of a hearse as it was being driven up a hill to a cemetery in Maryhill, Glasgow. It slid back down the hill and across the street into a chemist’s shop. As it was crossing the floor, the man inside sat up and asked the chemist: “Say, sir, have you got anything to stop my coffin?
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A SURE CURE Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said “Ya know, since
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January 2015
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summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything… noise, spray, cats… nothing seems to scare them away. Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven’t seen
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IT’S TIME After thirty years of dating, at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question. “Sandy,” she breathed, “is it not about time we were getting married ?” After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed. “Yes, Jean, it is.”
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The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
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January 2015
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January 2015
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NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE FIGHTERS’ CHARITABLE SOCIETY TREE CHIPPING January 3 & 4, 10:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Canada Games Pool Parking Lot. Join us for a BBQ, popcorn, face painting, music, and extinguisher demos.Trees will be chipped and recycled. All proceeds go to the New Westminster Fire Fighters’ Charitable Society. Make a donation and support local community charities! The New Westminster Scouts will also be holding a bottle drive. Please bring your recyclable bottles and cans to help bring adventure, outdoor experience and friendship to New West youth.
OPEN ART STUDIOS January 3, Noon – 5:00 p.m. 200-100 Braid St, New Westminster The artists of 100 Braid St Studios is opening their doors to showcase their latest works. Visit www.100braidststudios.com for more information.
NEW WESTMINSTER FESTIVAL OF VOLUNTEERS January 31, 9:30 am – 3:30 p.m. Royal City Centre, New Westminster Royal City Centre If you want to get involved in New Westminster’s vibrant community life, the New Westminster Festival of Volunteers is here to help! Over 40 local non-profi ts will gather at Royal City Centre to showcase their many volunteer opportunities. We’ll have a full day of on-stage entertainment, plus you could win a $500 shopping spree!
CURRENTLY AT THE ANVIL CENTRE Ends February 4, 10:00 p.m. 777 Columbia St, New Westminster
OUR WORKING WATERFRONT
Do you have an item that illustrates the City of New Westminster’s working waterfront history? In July 2015, the New Westminster Museum, in partnership with Simon Fraser University, will open its summer exhibition, Our Working Waterfront. Since the 1940s, the City’s waterfront has changed dramatically and little work has been done to document the history of these changes and their impacts on our community of today. Our Working Waterfront aims to shed light on these changes through objects, images, and stories related to the history of work during this period. This is a call out to the community to see if items might be available for loan or donation to the museum as they prepare the new exhibit. If you have an item to contribute to the project, please contact Oana Capota, Curator, 604-515-3842 ocapota@newwestcity.ca.
MOVIE MONDAYS!
January 19, 6:30 p.m. New Westminster Public Library
The Library and its new Teen Advisory Group will host this free movie night for youth 13 to 19 at the Library. Bring your own cushion! Movies start promptly at 6:30 p.m. This is a free drop-in program! January’s movie is The Fault in Our Stars.
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The Stage is a youth and family centered performing arts studio that offers pre-professional performance opportunities as well as top-quality, industry relevant training in the crafts of music, dance. Free trial classes available.
Portraiture has been around since humans first began to create. Over time we have developed ways of interpreting anatomical January 11 details: face, body and gesture. Artists became adept at con- Dance With Me Studio, 230 – 50 Lorne St, veying power, personality, emotion and the passage of time. New Westminster Biometric brings together ar tists from around the world w ho u s e s c i en c e a n d t e c hnolo g y to cr e a t e n ew m e dia por traits… expanding our perception of what makes us human. For more information, contact Sarah Joyce 6 04- 875 -18 6 5, sjoyce @ newmediagallery.c a or v i si t www.newmediagallery.ca.
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Happy New Year from Team Piffle! Wishing your 2015 is full of smiles!
8
January 2015
IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL We have all learned to live with voice mail
David sing a Psalm while you’re holding, press 4 now. To find out if a love one has been
as a necessary part of modern life. But you
assigned to heaven, enter his or her social
may have wondered, “What if God decided
security number now. For reservations at My
to install voice mail?” Imagine praying and
Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N
hearing this…
and then 3-1-6.
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For answers on nagging questions about the
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thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for all other inquiries What if God used the familiar excuse, “All
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January 2015
9
A SPECTACULAR JOB
Nevada
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job… a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.” “Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
AT THE BOOK STORE A man walks into a bookshop and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology”.
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THE WATCH So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
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All generalizations are false.
10
January 2015
YOU ARE BEING RECORDED FOR… Before I got through to Sea World, I had to say “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!” They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
Tony was too curious to resist, he rushed at the fence and tried to jump and see over it but it was much too high so he found a small hole in the wooden panels and looked through it. He jumped back clutching his face in agony, “Somebody poked me in the eye
EMO PHILLIPS SAYS
with a sharp stick!”
“Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve
“18… 18… 18… 18… 18…” came the sound
never been back to THAT news stand”.
from inside the walls.
DAWNING OF THE AGE OF….
PIZZA DELIVERY
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want
A university student delivers a pizza to an old man’s house.
an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star
“I suppose you want a tip,” asks the old man.
sign it is.”
“That would be great,” says the student, “but the other guy who does deliveries told me
17… 17… 17…
not to expect too much… he said if I got 50
“What on earth is that counting,” asked my friend Anthony as we passed the high security mental health unit in rural London I could just about hear it… 17… 17… 17… 17… 17…”
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
PUZZLE #15
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the
cents, I’d be lucky.” The old man looks hurt. “Well, to prove him wrong, here’s $5. What are you studying?” “Applied psychology,” replies the student.
ON THE BUS A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. Eeuurgh!” The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a
corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded
man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating
The man says, “You shouldn’t take that. You
the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “WHERE’S THE MATADOR?”
tell him off… go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey.”
Solution to December 2014
PICTOGRAPH
|
PUZ ZLE #14
BY ROSS HOOD
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
January 2015
11
THE TRIAL In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
CANNIBAL COMEDY Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted comedian and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
STICKY HANDS It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
FE AT U R E STORY
River Market at Westminster Quay MOVING FORWARD IN 2015 Katia and Alfonso of Pamola Bakery and Deli.
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
A
ccording to marketing manager, Salim Hassan of River Market at Westminster Quay 2015 promises to be an exciting year. Embracing the mantra of culture, community, and commerce the River Market not only acts as a great commercial center for our city, but also strives to promote the concept of community in all its activities. There is no better example of this than the baking class held each Tuesday morning by Katia, master baker at the Pamola Bakery and Deli. One morning I came in and saw Katia glazing donuts with a group of preschoolers. After dipping them in a honey glaze, Katia invited all the little children to
decorate them with Smarties. Well, they are not a low-calorie treat but the kids just loved making them. They were huddled around a long group of tables in front of Pamola Bakery just finishing their latest creations. One parent said, “We just love coming here, and Katia does something new each week. She’s great.” There were many smiles on the faces of those kids that day and the faces of the parents as well. Salim also described some of the other programs forming an integral part of the philosophy and mandate of the River Market. One of these is the Food 360 program, which celebrates the full circle of food from growing produce in edible gardens and marketing foods from independent, organic outlets such as Donald’s Market. Folks who join the OneNewWest program and shop at Donald’s Market will have 1 per cent of all their purchases
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
put in a fund, which supports community projects. You also receive discounts from a variety of merchants at the River Market. This year the local groups funded by this project included Hammer and Saw: Youth Building Community, Seniors Out N’About and Seniors to the Market Program Shuttle. In 2014, the OneNewWest program, raised $6,000 for community projects. In this way, the River Market is fulfilling its promise to promote commerce for its merchants and return funds to the community it serves. The food cycle has come full circle, and River Market will move forward in 2015, continuing to expand these unique opportunities for community groups. Salim referred to the main floor of the Market as the “Hunger Floor” consisting of markets and restaurants and the upper floor as the Curious Floor. The upper floor is culturally oriented with exciting things to see such as the Circus School, Music Box Theater, and the upcoming Maker’s Alley. One of the exciting things coming up in 2015 is the Maker’s Alley in conjunction with Douglas College, who will be coming in as a tenant on the top floor. They will be installing a 3D printer and
OneNewWest Savings Program.
featuring artists and creative people of all kinds making the Curious Floor a must see for residents of New Westminster. Salim who great up in Dubai graduated with a marketing degree from UBC is eagerly waiting to move into his new apartment at Trapp Holbrook in the spring. I suppose you could not be any closer to the River Market. I am sure he will leave his car at home. I asked Salim what he liked to do in his free time. “Well, I like scuba diving and stand-up comedy. A few weeks ago I performed at Yuk Yuks.” “You’ve got to be kidding.”’ I said. “Oh no, I had a great time there.” Make sure you stop in at the River Market at New Westminster Quay, have a chat with Salim and check out those kid’s baking classes on Tuesday mornings. You might even get a free donut. end
Katia of Pamola Bakery and Deli, Aven (front left) and Mairi.
Tina from Donald’s Market.
14
January 2015
Saturday, February 21 11AM - 4PM Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
LOST DOG A farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper,” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer.
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THE JUMP Two men are getting more and more relaxed in the bar on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building. They have exhausted complaints about wives and work and the world has begun to look a little rosier. One man turns to the other and says, “Did you know that if you jump out of this window
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on the south side, there’s an amazing wind current that blows you gently in to floor five down below?” “Gedoutahere,” says the other, “No way can that be true.” The other man says, “Look, I’ll prove it”. He casually walks over to the window, slides aside the glass and jumps. His horrified friend rushes to the window and sees him speed down, only to disappear just before he should have smashed into the pavement. Two minutes later the lift doors open and in walks his totally unfazed pal saying, “Told you… fifth floor, window’s always open”. “That’s amazing, an amazing fluke”, he says, at which point he sees his pal stride to the window and throw himself out again. Two minutes later he reappears from the lift doors saying, “No Fluke, guaranteed. Now its your turn”. Excited as well as nervous, the man walks to the window, takes a few gulps of air, then jumps. Down past the floors he flies, faster and faster, until… splaaaat, he is a crumpled mess on the pavement.
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
January 2015
15
At this point the barman looks up from polishing some glasses and says, “Jeeez, you’re such an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman”.
RIGHT IN THE CAT’S EAR A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead,” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT,” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move”
KITTENS “Have you got any kittens going cheap,” asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE DAUGHTERS HAVE LEARNED 1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to
2015 is here! What does your future hold? Call Liza at 778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA
JAN 2015
ARIES: Your daily life picks up steam and you are ready to get all the tasks you have been putting off done. Co-workers may cause you grief; think before speaking. TAURUS: Your creativity sparks a new high and you are able to express yourself with ease. Your desire nature is strong and any relationship started at this time will be powerful. GEMINI: Much activity takes place on the home front. Family could cause disagreements. Compromise is the key word for the month of January in the home and work place. CANCER: Neighbors, relative and others you deal with on a daily basis may seem to cause you grief. You are able to put forth your ideas with vigor and gusto. LEO: Your desire to have possessions is strong now. Your financial position is not a sign of your personal worth. Don't let money get in the way of friendship. VIRGO: Your working very hard to further your own interests. Show the world what you are capable of. You may feel you have to fight for your rights. LIBRA: This is a good time to work alone as much as possible to get things done. Volunteering or social work will do wonders for you. Dreams will be powerful. SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others as opposed to going at it alone. Friends may be argumentative.
hold a tomato. 5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
SAGITTARIUS: You want to achieve and you will get much done on the work front. Coworkers may feel threatened by your efforts to get ahead. Align your interests with others. CAPRICORN: Defending your beliefs is one thing, just don't force your ideas on others. Look for experiences that will open up your mind to new ideas. Travel may come up. AQUARIUS: Conflicts with your value system or money may arise. The old ways of doing things will come to an end and the birth of the new will take place.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10. The best place to be when you’re sad is
PISCES: Now is a good time to put energy back into your relationships. Look for resolution as opposed to opposition in the business and marital scheme of things.
Grandpa’s lap. No matter where you go, you’re there.
16
January 2015 WE ARE FRIENDLY A rather old fashioned lady, always quite
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delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping
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ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C. “Does the camping ground have it’s own B.C.” is what she wrote. Well, the camping ground owner wasn’t a
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bit old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the
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Church, so he wrote the following reply. Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles
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I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late. The last time my wife and I went was six
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years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort. I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember this is a very friendly community.
FAST BALL Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball. Jonah: Here’s my paper. Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay. Lets hear what you wrote. Jonah: Game called off on account of rain.
HE PLAYED ‘DANCING QUEEN” So I met this guy with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought… that’s Abboriginal. Gravity always gets me down.
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18
January 2015
JOB INTERVIEW
her that there is a seven-word minimum for
Michael, goes for a job on a building site,
all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few
the foreman says all he has to do is answer
seconds says, “In that case, let it read: ‘Euan
two questions correctly and they will give him
Davis died, golf clubs for sale’”.
the job. He smiles confidently. “The first question is, ‘what is your name?’” He answers, ”Errr, that would be Michael… Michael Connor.”
BUYING A CAR One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of
“OK, the next question is, ‘What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?’…” “Oh, that’s easy,” says Michael, “Joyce wrote Ullyses, Goethe wrote Faust”.
the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay. The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80,000. The man came out of the store and looked
HE’S GONE
around and saw a poor man begging for help.
A woman goes to the local paper’s office
He went toward him and introduced himself
to see that the obituary for her recently
and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2.
deceased husband is published. The obit editor
The poor man asked the reason. He replied
informs her that there is a charge of 50 pence
that he is wanting to buy a car. The poor man
per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she
though for a moment and gave the man $4
says, “Well then, let it read: ‘Euan Davis died’.”
and said: Please buy one for me too.
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form Name address
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January 2015
19
KEEPING AN EYE ON THE APPLES The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
YIKES! If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Eighth Street in January © Franci Louann plain street, this is a plain street eighth street by seventh avenue four lanes of traffic a small church, condos on this side lawn bowling on the other plain street this is a plain street yet this warm January evening there is a fragrance a perfume that compels me to look for cause could this be the scent of spring?
I’VE BEEN PLACES I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was
ahhh low green bush with small white buds along the church’s wall… European Sweet Box Fragrant Sweet Box Sarcococca Ruscifolia plain street, this is a plain street eighth street by seventh avenue but here we have Sweet Box European Sweet Box Fragrant Sweet Box… Franci Louann (formerly Fran Workman) is enjoying this winter in New Westminster. L as t year, w hen s he r e t ur ned f r om Argentina, she was pleased that the fragrance was still there in March, on Eighth Street at Seventh Avenue.
very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
POET’S CORNER with Poet Laureate New Westminster CANDICE JAMES
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
20
January 2015
he hell they're saying
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THE FORTH MARRIAGE A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
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January 2015
THE PIFFLE WAY OF THINKING Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.” She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
THE SARGENT DIET A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
He said, “sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.” Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this
KNITTING
house?” He replied, “Sure, we just got finished
This police officer sees an senior lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for a while he yells to her,
paying off our mortgage.” She asked again, angry now, “Well would she sleep in this bed?” He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this
“PULL OVER”. She replies, “No a pair of
bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no
socks.”
reason to rid of it.
MAILLARDVILLE MAURICE Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?” He replied with a straight, serious face, “No. She’s left handed.”
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later do doctor spoke to
THE WEALTHY WIDOWER Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a
Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great,
breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-
aren’t you?”
old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get
THE BAD DREAM An elderly couple was in bed one night and
the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They
the woman woke up from a bad dream. She
are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So,
was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke
how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
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January 2015
23
“I lied about my age,” Bob replies. “What, did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
LOST? My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma’s house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. “Why, Bill,” said Grandma, “You’ve been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?” Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn’t hear, he whispered, “Wasn’t exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
AN AFFAIR You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he’s having an affair and you want to know if it’s catered.
PEEPING TOM You know you’re getting old when the “peeping tom” leaves a note saying: “PLEASE PULL THE BLINDS.”
THEY SWITCH Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
When is Robbie Burns Day? What’s another word for thesaurus?
24
January 2015 LOOKING FOR A MECHANIC Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area,” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
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I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
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Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh… “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
ARE YOU A YOUTH IN NEW WESTMINSTER?
THEN NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE & RESCUE WANTS YOU!
I’LL BE RIGHT BACK An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?” To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going,” she says. The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
DISCHARGED Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
New Westminster Fire & Rescue, New Westminster Parks, Culture and Recreation Department in partnership with the Justice Institute and New Westminster School District are pleased to announce 2015 Youth Firefighter program. The program is for youths that are interested in a career as firefighter and would like to get a real taste of the job. The are 2 days of Fire investigation, Fire Prevention and Fire Investigation in March, then 5 days of hands on firefighting training in July. 12 participants will be:
• Certified first aid / CPR • Employing fire investigative techniques • Delivering educational material for fire prevention in the community • Hands on with firefighting techniques • Hands on with High angle / confined space • Hands on with auto extrication • Understanding of the physical challenges of been a Firefighter • Involve with live fire scenarios on the last day. The Youth Firefighter Program is an all-encompassing program that will challenge the youth and give them a great insight to a firefighter career. Application for the Youth Firefighter program will be open JANUARY 5 TO FEBRUARY 16, applications are available at NWSS.
Danny C Wilson, Fire Prevention Captain
T: 604.519.1014 • F: 604.520.7602 danwilson@newwestcity.ca New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6
www.newwestcity.ca
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
26
January 2015
Our small prices will leave you with a…
RIGHT OR LEFT? Recently while attending a dinner party, by way of conversation, the guest seated beside me asked “do you stir your coffee with your right hand or your left,” to which I replied “My right hand”. The response “interesting indeed, I stir mine with a spoon!”
GRUMPY While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t
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miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
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January 2015 All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the
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THE DRESS A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady “May I try on that cute dress in the window?” The sales lady replied; “Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?”
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
28
January 2015 “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said
Everything you need for tonight
Bruce. “I’ll play him.” “And you, Sylvester,” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me,” said Sly. “And what about you,” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.
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Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-ofhearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.
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The clerk says, “Sheer?” And the man replies “No. She is in another store.”
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Bruce Willis.
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January 2015
29
The manager said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you…”
bell “No training is needed or you will be in danger.” The guy replied to this “C’mon please I’ll be
THE SINGER
careful.”
The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open. As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming
“Be very careful.” Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands “Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked “NO, TRAINING”
the shrubs. “How did you like my execution,”
“I can do it.”
she asked.
“Ok don’t say you haven’t been warned.”
The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”
Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death.
DING DONG
Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all
A guy was standing at the bottom of the
possible speed, when he was at the bottom
stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go
a small crowd had gathered with a policeman
up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the
examining the body.
many stairs until finally he was standing not
He yelled to the crowd.
three meters away from quazimodo.
“Does anybody know this man?”
In a soft voice he said “can I ring the bells” as the hunchback pushed his head against the
Quazimodo then answered. “No, but his face rings a bell.”
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
30
January 2015 CAN’T HELP YOU A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a mouse trap, please? And
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Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
will you be quick… I’ve a bus to catch.” “Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”
I GET WHAT HE MEANS NOW A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him. The old man quickly calls him back and says “waiter, taste the soup” the waiter says “well what’s wrong with it” “just taste the soup” the old man insisted”. “Well what’s wrong with the soup is it to hot to cold, what”! “Just taste the soup said the old man”. “Oh, all right where’s the spoon”.
BUSINESS IS GOOD
Sunday, January 25, 2015
A man walks pass a young strong man begging on the corner of the street where he works.
LEGION NO.2 631 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER
MEAT DRAW BINGO IN O J & KARAOKE with E CAL DONNELLY every TH ION… & JOIN G ! N U THURSDAY 8–11PM LE F E H T EXTRA KARAOKE JAN. 1ST – 3RD MEAT DRAWS $50/50 DRAWS FRIDAY & SATURDAYS
Royal Canadian Legion No.2, 604-522-4522
MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME!
CALL THE LEGION FOR BAND ENTERTAINMENT INFO ON JANUARY WEEKENDS To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
January 2015
31
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks, “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, “You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
THE FOLKS SAY NO There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy old gentleman. After he proposed, she suggested, “we might even have some children!” The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.” “What do you mean,” asked the young woman, “Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”
Do You Have a RETIREMENT PLAN? Do you know what RESIDUAL INCOME is?
RETIREMENT
How many dollars do you think you AHEAD? need to live comfortably when you want to retire? $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 or $5,000... If you picked $5,000/mth, with today’s low interest rates at approx 3%... You would need $2,000,000 saved in the bank!
Are you looking for a solution to this problem? Please contact me for a free info-session on how you can earn a residual income so you can retire. I look forward to sharing my plan with you! Let’s have a chat, call me at: 604-838-0312
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118 Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Sapperton’s Specialty
NEW YEAR
SPECIALS!
35% OFF HUNDREDS OF ITEMS
420 E COLUMBIA ST, NEW WEST 3 Blocks North of R.C. HOSPITAL Across from FRESH SLICE PIZZA
604 544 5688
• P A R T Y S T O R E , E D U C AT I O N A L T O Y S A N D M O R E ! •
MUST SEE STORE • UNIQUE GENERAL STORE! •
WE BUY & SELL USED DVDs, XBOX & PS GAMES
CLIP AND BRING THIS AD. EXPIRES JANUARY 31st, 2015.
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
10% OFF for pick-up orders over $15.00
INTERNATIONAL VILLAGE • African Fashion MALL IN TINSELTOWN • African Sheabutter
1117-88 W Pender St, Vancouver • African Black Soaps Next to the Stadium/Chinatown • Musical Instruments SkyTrain Station and more!
MONDAY-SATURDAY NOON TO 8:00PM SUNDAY NOON to 7:00PM
UP TO 70% OFF SELECTED MERCHANDISE!
604-568-8456
www.touchofafrica.ca
FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays