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February 2015 | YOUR COMMUNITY HUMOUR MAGAZINE | Issue 173
Seniors Lighting Up Our City Cory Maydiniuk, Transit Police. Antonia Reynolds, City of New West and Senior Freda Lambert.
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
See feature on P12
20
Printing
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2
February 2015
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
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February 2015
3
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“All you need is love.” — John Lennon
4
February 2015
Art workshops for atypical learners!
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February 2015
5
FRIED EGGS A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful… CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
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You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”
THE BOSS
Ken McIntosh Rod Drown
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop
Researchers
and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the
604.619.8455
Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called,
Dr Robert Henry MacLauchlan & Margaret MacLauchlan 1966 Murders
she wants her sign back!” Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.
FILL THE VAN… FOR THE SALLY ANN SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7TH, 10 A.M. TO 8 P.M.
COLUMBIA SQUARE SAVEON FOODS LOCATION The aim is to fill The Salvation Army cargo van with non-perishable food items for their emergency food bank. Free hot dogs compliments of Save-On-Foods will be served from Noon – 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.
A food drive for The Salvation Army.
A kettle will also be on-site for those who prefer to give cash donations, with all proceeds being used to buy non-perishable food for the food bank. AN ACTIVE PART
OF THE COMMUNITY
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
6
February 2015
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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February 2015
7
LIQUID GOLD NOURISHMENT DEMO Saturday February 7, 12:00 – 4:00 p.m. Donald’s Market at the River Market at the Quay
Coordinator for Qayqayt Elementary School at 778-874-5457 or email at aowen@sd40.bc.ca.
Nourished by Janice presents a demo on the benefi ts of beef COMPUTER HELP FOR SENIORS bone broth a.k.a. Liquid Gold. It is full of minerals, vitamins, 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. and amino-acids. Bone broths provide dense nutrition which New Westminster Public Library (Main Branch) is easily digested and has been know for centuries as a healing Seats available: 12 (no wait lists) folk remedy for the digestive tract. New Westminster Public Library is offering Sunday morning Janice is a Registered Holistic Nutritionist, receiving her di- computer help for seniors. The sessions will be held on Sundays ploma from the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition in Van- from 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., are conducted by a librarian couver, B.C. She is wildly passionate about whole, nutritious, and teen volunteers will be on site for one-on-one assistance. fl avorful and colourful foods. She is out-going, energetic, February 15 – Introduction to Word – basic passionate, caring and enthusiastic about health and wellness through food; good quality, whole, real food. March 8 & 15 – Email basic and intermediate. Register for both sessions. You will receive recipes and beef bone broth tidbits along with a taste of yummy liquid gold. Jars will be for sale as well. All April 12 & 19 – Everything Photos. Learn to manage digital ingredients are organic and local. photos online. Register for both sessions.
EAGLES CHARITY FUNDRAISER Thursday, February 19, 6:00 p.m. Chan’s Garden, 441 E Columbia St, Sapperton, New Westminster
• DOOR PRIZE • 50/50 • SILENT AUCTION
The Sunday morning computer help sessions are primarily intended for seniors but mature adults are welcome to register as well. Library cards preferred (library computers will be used for these sessions). To register please call 604-527-4665 or 604-527-4666 or email listener@nwpl.ca. For more information, call 604-527-4660.
The Fraternal Order of Eagles Aerie #20 New Westminster will be hosting a dinner to raise funds to send 45 kids with cancer WORLD POETRY NIGHT OUT CELEBRATES to Camp Goodtimes. Chan’s Garden is catering this Dinner BLACK HISTORY MONTH and has planned an extensive Buffet Menu. The total price February 27, 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. is $25.00 per ticket which includes Tax, Gratuity & $10.00 New Westminster Public Library (Main Branch) donation to the charity. Bring your music, stories, poems in honour of Black History For tickets, call John Ashdown 604-657-5600 or email Month! Hosts Mickey Bickerstaff ashdowneagle@shaw.ca. and Ariadne Sawyer. A Tribute to Mar tin Luther King Jr. by Roger Blenman. A Focus on George ElSENIOR NEEDED FOR COMMITTEE liott Clarke, Distinguished Black The Neighbourhood Learning Centre Advisory Committee is Acadian Poet by Franci Louann, looking for a senior representative to join their committee. Tony Antonias. They are looking for someone who lives in the downtown area close to Qayqayt School on the old Saint Mary’s site. Refreshments, free raf fle, open Currently meetings are on the fi rst Wednesday of the month mike, intercultural and multilingual readings. at the School Board. If this committee is something you would be interested in Reserve space at 604-526-4729 or joining, please contact Drea Owen, District Community School ariadnes@uniserve.com.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
“True love stories never have endings.” — Richard Bach
8
February 2015
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
REST IN PEACE Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.” “No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you!
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Hogs and Kisses!
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers!
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet? A: I find you very attractive. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? A: I love you a ton! Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day? A. Let me call you Tweet heart! Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A. You’re purrr-fect for me! Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
for the memorial stone.” Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!” “Two and a half carats.”
CARRYING A CHILD A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours!
satisfied.
Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts!
watching. Here is how she described the
Q: Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? A: It was a case of guppy love.
came out, he was pregnant.”
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I Love Ewe! Q: What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you!
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he
A MILLION A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD. “GOD”, he said, “How long is a million years?” GOD answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
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February 2015
9
The man asked, “GOD, how much is a million
Nevada
dollars?” GOD answered, “To me, it’s a dime.” The man asked, “GOD, can I have a dime?” GOD said, “In a minute.”
GRAMMAR “What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?” “She done her shopping, ma’am.” “Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?” “She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”
PONDERINGS • What is the speed of darkness?
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• Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? • Do fish ever get thirsty? • Why is it called a “building” when it is already built? • If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? • If you’re traveling at the speed of light and
Raising Standards in Motorcoach Touring
Toll Free 1.855.764.8500
www.tourhero.ca
OIL TANK REMOVAL
you turn your headlights on, what happens? • Why is it called a TV set when there’s only one? • If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
SEAGULLS Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they’d be called bagels.
DOWN THE ROAD I LOOK AND THERE COMES MARRY Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home” That’s what doctors call Tom Jones’ Syndrome. Oh, really? Is it common? It’s not unusual.
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“I don’t want to set the world on fire. I just want to start a flame in your heart.” — The Ink Spots
10
February 2015
WHAT IS IT?
SEVEN JOKES
Q: What is small, red and whispers?
SUBMITTED BY GUY ALLEN
A: A hoarse radish.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t
EATS LIKE A HORSE
much, but the reception was excellent.
Q: What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t
A: A Zebra.
start anything.”
NO FEAR
3. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Q: Why are robots never afraid?
4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of
A: Because they have nerves of steel.
asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
HOW TO RUN THE COUNTRY “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.” - George Burns
5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?” 6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I
TWO LIONS
was artificially inseminated this morning.”
Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turns to the other and says. “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true; no bull,” exclaims Daisy. 7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
PUZZLE #16
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the
TEA BISCUITS FOR THE IN-LAWS “I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.” - Les Dawson
corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “GET GABRIEL”
ONCE IN A LIFETIME “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” - Tim Vine
Solution to January 2015 | PUZ ZLE #15
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
February 2015 KEEPING AN EYE ON THE UNICORN “A unicorn and a Cyclops. That’s an accident waiting to happen.” - Rohan Agalawatta
11
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
IT’S NOT WHAT I ORDERED “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’” Demetri Martin
KLEPTOMANIA “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad. I take something for it.” - Ken Dodd
PIFFLE MEDICAL TERMS • Artery - Study of paintings • Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria • Bowel - Letter like A.E.I.O.U • Caesarean section - District in Rome • Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
• Cauterize - Made eye contact with her • Coma - A punctuation mark • Congenital - Friendly • Diarrhea - Journal of daily events • Dilate - To live long • Enema - Not a friend
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
• Fester - Quick • Impotent - Distinguished, well known • Intense pain - Torture in a teepee • Recovery room - Place to do upholstery • Tumor - An extra pair • Urine - Opposite of you’re out • Varicose - Located nearby • Vein - Conceited
LIKE A PARROT Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot.
ONCE AGAIN Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
“Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends.” — Jesus
FE AT U R E STORY
Seniors Lighting Up Our City Freda Lambert speaks out about pedestrian safety.
Story and photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
O
ne dark evening in early December, Freda Lambert a senior living in New Westminster decided to visit her nephew at the Royal Columbian Hospital. She began walking from the Sapperton Pensioner’s Hall down Keary Street to the crosswalk at Columbia. She pushed the button at the crosswalk and upon seeing the walk signal began walking across. Freda was wearing a light colored jacket and proceeded through the crosswalk. An unidentified car quickly flew across the intersection and made a left-hand turn onto Columbia Street missing Freda by only a couple of inches. She was shocked and shaken. It was clear to her that the driver did not see her at all. Freda
crossed the street and sat down on a bus stop bench to collect herself. It was a narrow escape. In the last five years, ten people have been killed crossing streets in the lower mainland. All of these people were seniors over the age of 65. Although statistics aren’t available for people injured attempting to cross streets I assume the numbers are much higher. A further statistic shows that 60 percent of pedestrians killed in Canada occurs at night with lower visibility. When you take all this into account it’s clear that Freda was a very lucky woman that night. The outcome could have easily resulted in death or injury. Freda happened to be talking with Vic Leach, a director of the Sapperton Pensioner’s Hall, and she explained the story to him. Vic was shocked at what had happened to Freda.
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February 2015
He decided that there must be a way to increase the visibility of seniors or for that matter all folks crossing streets at night. For Vic, this was a charge for action, and he decided to do his best to find a way to make seniors more visible at night. It was a great opportunity to help not only Freda but also everyone in New Westminster, especially seniors. His first step was to contact the City and see if they knew anything about the problems of visibility. Vic contacted Antonia Reynolds, Transportation Demand Management Coordinator, who indicated that the City had already developed a program for increasing the visibility of residents on local streets. In a recent City press release, Antonia writes, “Wearing HVSA (high-visibility safety apparel) makes you more visible to vehicle drivers in low visibility or darker conditions that come with this season. A reflector attached to your bag or reflective strips on your clothing can mean the difference between being seen and being hit by a car. The City of New Westminster has purchased an array of high-quality reflectors, which can be attached to clothing, backpacks or walkers. These can be picked up at City Hall, the New Westminster Police Department and the library on 6th Avenue.” A nt on i a i s av a i l a ble at areynolds@newwestcity.ca.
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When I spoke with Antonia, she City is to hand out reflectors to indicated that there were lim- members of our community.” ited quantities of these products Vic has organized a Forum at available. I tried one of the neat the Sapperton Pensioners Hall, long rectangular reflectors made 318 Keary Street on February in Finland, which quickly snap 10th from 9:00 am to 11:00 onto your wrist or arm. Accord- called “Reflection for Safety.” ing to Vic, Finland has made the Antonia will be there from the use of reflectors mandatory. I City of New Westminster as was impressed with the conve- well as representatives from the nience and quality of the prod- Transit Police, New West Police uct. Freda, Antonia and Cory Department, The Community Maydiniuk of the Transit Police Against Preventable Injuries and are wearing them in our cover ICBC. They will be there to presphotograph. You can speak with ent information on visibility and members of the Transit Police at would love to talk seniors about the upcoming forum, “Reflection improving their safety at night for Safety.” in our City. Stop in at one of the above locaI keep my reflector in my camtions, grab a reflector and make era bag and pull it out at night. I sure you are visible at night. feel a whole lot safer. Drop in, talk Freda wore hers on both wrists to Vic at the upcoming forum, through the Christmas season and take part in lighting up our after the narrow escape that she city at night. You can reach Vic had experienced. at the Sapperton Pensioners Hall Antonia said, “The city has telephone: 604-522-0280. end issued reminders on visibility in the fall in partnership with ICBC and independently. We have decided to invest in high-quality ref lective products that exceed Europea n sta ndards for ref lectivity. North American currently does not have such standards. We also decided to invest in these products as a City to encourage pedestrian safety. Part of our program at the Vic Leach, Reflection on Safety organizer.
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein
14
February 2015
Saturday, February 21 11AM - 4PM Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
TO BE TEN AGAIN A man asked his wife, “What would you like for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park… the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five
SS D MI
IO N
0 0 REE . $3 ER 12 F
A KI D
ND SU
hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to the cinema, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
FREE STAR WARS CARDS TO THE
• • • • •
magazines manga monitors parts printer refills • printers • records • software
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby
FIRST
discussing their recent tournament victories.
GUESTS!
the office and asked them to disperse.
100 • boardgames • cameras • Canucks memorabilia • CDs • DVDs • hardware • Hot Wheels • jewellery
MOVE ALONG
• Star Wars • toys & collectibles • VHS • video games • vintage comics • wrestling
After about an hour, the manager came out of “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer.”
GANDHI Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
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impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
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ate very little, which made him rather frail and
604-521-6304 funpromo@shaw.ca
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with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
POTTY Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? A: Because the “P” is silent.
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February 2015
15
BEER A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. “Wonderful stuff what is it,” he asked. “My best friend died. I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off,” he replied. “What do you call it,” asked the cannibal.
Is love in your future? Call Liza at 778-898-2146 and find out! HOROSCOPES by LIZA
FEB 2015
ARIES: If you feel emotionally upset during this time, don’t rely on those self defeating acts. Instead, confront yourself and you will have a better way of dealing with issues.
“Pal o’ mine lotion,” replied the witch doctor. “I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!”
AT THE NUDEST COLONY A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx? The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”
WATSON AND SHERLOCK Watson came excitedly to Sherlock Holmes place and told him his dog had swallowed his ring. Sherlock told Watson “Don’t worry. He will pass it eventually”. Watson replies, “thank you very much, Sherlock.” Sherlock says to Watson, “It’s alimentary,
TAURUS: Formulate those goals and go after them with gusto. Just be sure to balance your needs with the needs of the group and all will be well. GEMINI: You have ambition to achieve this month and so you will. You will work extremely hard to get the job done. Watch for conflict with authority figures. CANCER: Your beliefs and opinions are a strong theme during this time. Just don’t force your view on others and learn to listen to what others have to say. LEO: Your values and others people money comes into play during this time. There may be a confl ict over possessions. Don’t forget to share. VIRGO: Cooperation with business and marital partners will be a strong theme. Work with them and not against and all will be good during this time. LIBRA: Your daily life really picks up speed. Your able to take pride in all the work you are able to accomplish. Health issues may arise due to your temper. SCORPIO: Your competitiveness and aggressive side comes out to play during this time. Everything fun will be more intense. Enjoy the ride.
my dear Watson.” SAGITTARIUS: The action revolves around your home. You should be making serious headway if you work from home. Use this energy wisely.
NINE A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.”Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.”
CAPRICORN: Beware of imposing your ideas on others or conflicts will arise. However, selling the idea on the job front works quite well. AQUARIUS: Do you own money or does it own you? Money can easily slip through your fi ngers. Keep credit cards at home this month. PISCES: A great time to further your own interests and start that physical fitness routine. You’ve got mind and body energy to burn. Put it to good use.
“I claim there ain’t another saint as great as Valentine.” — Ogden Nash
16
February 2015 WHERE WERE YOU? The sergeant-major growled at the young
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BEFORE IT STARTS A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch “before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away. After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him “pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts.” The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch. After finishing that drink, the man tells the
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TRUE LOVE A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.
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A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife… nothing but arguing and friction… so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.” A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife? “How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
LOOKING TO GET MARRIED A young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like.” “Oh, that’s easy,” his pal replied. “All you have to do is find someone whos’ just like your mother.” “I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn’t like.” Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever.
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February 2015
MOMENTS TO REMEMBER
athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-
To celebrate their fiftieth wedding
spoken, and is good to the children.” The
anniversary, a couple returned to their
next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband
honeymoon hotel. After retiring to bed, the
is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,
wife said, “Darling, do you remember how
and is mean to your children.” The wife replied,
you stroked my hair,” and so he stroked her
“Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did. Then, with a sigh, she whispered, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?”
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, BUT… A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench,
With that, the husband got out of bed and
passionately kissing.
left the room. “Where are you going,” cried
“Why don’t you do that,” asked the wife.
the wife.
“Honey,” replied her husband, “I don’t even
“To get my teeth,” he said.
MISSING
know that woman!”
MORRIS
A wife went to the police station with
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the
her next-door neighbor to report that her
doctor to get a physical. A few days later,
husband was missing. The policeman asked for
the doctor saw Morris walking down the
a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old,
street with a gorgeous young woman on his
6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an
arm.
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February 2015
19
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that… I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”
DOC A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender’s name was Dick. One dyadic found out he didn’t have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice. The doctor sat down, took a sip and said “This isn’t a lemon daiquiri, Dick!” to which Dick replied, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”
PIFFLE’S
HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?
New West Coal Trains © Guy Allen Dust-belching dragons snake through our scene Spewing toxins on the land, poisons in the stream Black rock from Wyoming for China’s many fires Blast through our nights for those far eastern buyers Grisly gondolas of slow black death Infect our lungs with every breath, Spilling dust on our pristine scape, with no care taken to block its escape Jobs, they say, are the driving faction. That’s the line of logic they try to feed, but we suspect a different action, a grasp for power and basic greed How do you dare to foul our air? How can you assume we wish to consume? Why must you deceive to make us believe? Why such haste to bring this foul waste? The days are numbered for soft river breezes, Laced with fragrance of flowers from the Quay never have we sensed this threat of diseases You plan to bring on your route to the sea The deals are made, the future is set And the polis tell us there’s naught they can do The trains will keep coming, they say with regret Unless the people demand a review What can we do to stop this threat? We must take action or live with regret As time slips away, is our fate a done deal? Or is there a way to force a repeal
Guy Allen is retired, but has operated most of his life as a freelance ex plor a t ionis t in t he miner al , oil and gas industries of North America, as well as teaching at Columbia Square Adult Learning Center and Douglas College. He lives in New Westminster with his wife, Geri and has published 3 adventure novels, guided by his experiences and expertise in t he resource indus t ries . His novels are available in ebook and paperback format through his website www.talismanpublications.com.
POET’S CORNER with Poet Laureate New Westminster CANDICE JAMES
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@outlook.com or call 778-322-1131 for info. “Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” — Pablo Picasso
Tired Of Straining To Hear...
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February 2015
21
THE OLD VULTURES As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check
Express your love.
the raccoons through as luggage,” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
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February 2015
VALENTINE Q & A Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
TAX There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the
25TH ANNIVERSARY
stamp? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding
Q: What did the light bulb say to the
anniversary. When they were asked what
switch?
their secret was to a long lasting marriage
A: You turn me on.
they said, “We take the time to go out to a
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
restaurant two times a week. A candlelight
A: No, but they had an Apple.
dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She
Q: What did one snake say to the other
goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey. Q: Why did the banana go out with the
GRANDMA’S REVENGE When my three-year-old son opened
prune?
the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
discovered a water pistol. He squealed with
Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February
delight and headed for the nearest sink.
14th?
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you
Q: What travels around the world but stays in
remember how we used to drive you crazy
one corner?
with water guns?” Mom smiled and then replied… “I remember.”
A: A stamp. Q: What happens when you fall in love with a
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A man wrote a letter to the Canada
Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
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A: His ghoul-friend.
knowing that I have cheated on my income
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what
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would you call her?
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A: Antelope.
can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
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February 2015
23
THE LETTUCE A man goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’ The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies: ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’
I HAVEN’T SEEN MY WIFE FOR A WHILE A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’ He replied: ‘That would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
CHESS A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What is the nickname for the tin solider at the quay? “Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.” — Robert Browning
24
February 2015 NASA PENS When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
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smart at all guy” says, “I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!”
A COMPARISON Patient: Doctor, doctor. I’ve come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.
NEW RECRUITS!
CRIMINAL MASTERMIND An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested,” he wrote, “No.” The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?” The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
WHAT? Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs? A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
NWFRS welcomed 3 new recruits in early January. Since joining the department, Firefighter Recruits CORY REPPEN, CORY SCHICK and RYAN TREMBLETT, have already delivered Fire and Life Safety curriculum material to the grade 1 class at Qayqayt Elementary; the recruits are in their 3rd week of training in the Fire Prevention Division. Before leaving FPO division the recruits will have learned and conducted inspections at the level of regular crew members, visited all New Westminster City buildings, visited high risk properties/ buildings and will have delivered educational material at public events. The new recruits will report to suppression in late February to start their 5 week suppression training.
IN AN EMERGENCY… If the safety and the security of your property has been compromised due to a fire or other emergency event the New Westminster Fire department will try and contact you to inform you of the event. According to the Fire Protection Bylaw No. 6040, 2004 Section 31)
CONTACT PERSONS Every occupier of premises having either a fire alarm system or an automatic fire sprinkler system, monitored or nonmonitored, shall submit names and telephone numbers of three (3) persons who are available to attend ,enter and secure the premises (the “Contact Person”) ... The contact persons prescribed form may be requested from the NWFRS at 604-519-1000 or at fire@newwestcity.ca and should be submitted yearly and upon any change in Contact Persons. The form must contain the written consent of each person. For further information on Contact Persons and their requirements, see sections 31-37 of the bylaws.
New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6
www.newwestcity.ca
“Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips.” — Percy Bysshe Shelley
26
February 2015
Sargent’s City Scene BILL KENNY — A PROUD PART OF ROYAL CITY HISTORY The Ink Spots were a vocal group in the 1930s and 1940s that helped define the musical genre that led to rhythm and blues and rock and roll, and the subgenre doo-wop. They gained much acceptance in both the white community and black community largely due to the ballad style introduced to the group by lead singer Bill Kenny. They were inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame in 1999. Their songs usually began with a guitar riff, followed by the tenor Bill Kenny, who sang the whole song through. After Kenny finished singing, the bass would either recite the first half, or the bridge of the song, or would speak the words, almost in a free form, that were not part of the song, commonly using the words “Honey Child”, or “Honey Babe”, expressing his love for his darling in the song. This was followed by Kenny, who finished up singing
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February 2015
the last refrain or the last half of the song. On some songs Deek Watson would sing the lead rather than Bill Kenny. This was mostly on the uptempo “Jive” songs. The Ink Spots formed in the early 1930s in Indianapolis. The founding members were Orville “Hoppy” Jones (b. 17 February 1902, Chicago, Illinois – d. 18 October 1944, New York City) (bass) (Played cello in the manner of a stand up bass). Ivory “Deek” Watson (b. 18 July 1909, Mounds, Illinois – d. 4 November 1969, Washington, D.C.) (tenor) (Played guitar and trumpet). Jerry Daniels (b. 14 December 1915 – d. 7 November 1995, Indianapolis, Indiana) (tenor) (Played guitar and ukulele). Charlie Fuqua (b. 20 continued on page 28
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28
February 2015 continued from page 27
October 1910 – d. 21 December 1971, New Haven, Connecticut) (baritone) (Played guitar). Bill Kenny (Mr. Ink Spot), who had the voice that made them famous was born June 12th 1914 in Philadelphia PA, and in his later years, lived in New Westminster. He died Mar 23rd 1978 in New Westminster. When Bill Kenny joined the group in 1936 they were mostly a “Jive” ensemble, performing swinging up-tempo songs. It wasn’t until The Ink Spots 1939 recording of “If I Didn’t Care” that Bill Kenny’s voice began being regularly featured on Ballads, which it was until The Ink Spots disbanded in 1954. Hits that feature Bill Kenny include “I Don’t Want To Set The World On Fire”, “We Three”, “The Gypsy”, “Address Unknown”, “With My Eyes Wide Open I’m Dreaming”, “So Sorry”, “Bless You”, “My Prayer”, “Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall”, “It’s A Sin To Tell A Lie”, It Isn’t A Dream Anymore”, and dozens of others. Bill Kenny has been listed as an influence by such great artists as Elvis Presley, Sam Cooke, Johnny Mathis, Sonny Till, Clyde McPhatter and many others. Bill Kenny is often noted as the father of Doo Wop for his high tenor singing and his introduction of the popular “Top & Bottom” format used by virtually every Doo Wop group in the 50s and 60s.
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CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER BECOMES B.C.’S FIRST DEMENTIA-FRIENDLY CITY COUNCIL Today, the City of New Westminster became British Columbia’s first dementia-friendly city council. City councillors participated in Dementia Friends training conducted by the Alzheimer Society of B.C. this morning at City Hall. “With an aging population, issues related to dementia are increasingly important. The City of New Westminster is committed to ensuring people with dementia can have their varied needs met and continue to be an integral part of the community,” said New Westminster Mayor Jonathan Coté. “To this end, Council is receiving training and City staff will be developing a Dementia-Friendly Community Action Plan with funding support from the Province.” In December 2014, the City of New Westminster learned it had been successful in its application for funding under the Seniors’ Housing and Support Initiative with $20,000 approved to build on its Age-Friendly Community work by developing a Dementia-Friendly Community Action Plan. The City will continue its work with the Alzheimer Society of B.C. to make the City of New Westminster an age and ability friendly community that adapts its structures and services to be accessible and inclusive of older people with varying needs and capacities. Since 2007, the City has undertaken a variety of projects to become more age friendly, including implementing an Adaptable Housing
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604.524.6712
The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster
Regular Sunday Service at 11am
February 2015
29
FILL THE VAN FOR THE SALLY ANN The event will run from 10:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. on Saturday, February 7th at the Columbia Square Save-On Foods location. The aim is to fill the Salvation Army cargo van with non-perishable food items for their emergency food bank. Free hot dogs (compliments of Save-On Foods) will be served from 12:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. There will also be opportunities to “Spin the Wheel” (offered by Save-On). Information about all of The Salvation Army’s programs and ministries in New Westminster and Tri-Cities will be on hand “Wish lists” for our emergency food bank will be available for shop-
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Policy and Bylaw, an Age Friendly Business Initiative, a Century House inclusion project, and a Wheelability Assessment Project. “We are working with municipalities, professionals, corporations and volunteers to better support people with dementia through our Dementia-Friendly Communities Initiative,” said Maria Howard, CEO of the Alzheimer Society of B.C. “We are thrilled that the City of New Westminster is the first city council in the province to receive our dementia training.”
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pers who want to help fill the van for those in need within our community. A kettle will also be on-site for those who prefer to give cash donations, with all proceeds being used to buy non-perishable food for the food bank. end
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“At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” — Plato
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February 2015 LIPSTICK According to a news report, a certain private school recently was
Honestly driven.
faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they
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put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
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To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance
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February 2015
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man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There’s teachers, and then there are educators.
25TH ANNIVERSARY A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: “We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
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