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March 2015 | YOUR COMMUNITY HUMOUR MAGAZINE | Issue 174
A Night of Magic and Ventriloquism A Salvation Army Fundraiser on March 6th featuring Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters, the Great Gordini and Norden the Magician.
16 P s tip s s e Fitn
See feature on P14
20
Printing
DIFFERENT LINES OF DRAFT NOW ON TAP
Business Cards, Flyers, Brochures, Posters, Forms, Manuals
Promotional Products
T-shirts, Pens, Notepads, Trinkets
Signs & Banners
Restaurant & Public House SEE OUR SPECIALS ON P3!
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
Full Colour, Die Cut Vinyl, Vehicle Decals, Sandwich Boards
Engraving
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Namebadges, ID Cards, Room Signs, Door Plaques
334 12th Street New Westminster
onesourceproduction.com
Trophies & Awards
Plaques, Cups, Crystal, Ribbons
301-12th St, New West
604-377-5889
2
March 2015
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Piffle Word Search X S T Z S N S V E R A F D H K
I G Y F E J M A I E V O K C Y
Z Z L E A U C S I A A D C R E
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U G C Q I R C F K N T K R M V
M O C H R I S T I A N I T Y T
F A O U G G Q V N G B S A R T
S A Y L A H T S C Y K G P L M
P B Q O E E F H O C S H U S O
L X I L L J U J O T R B A B G
M T P D I R T R K F A K U O J
Q X V J C J M B V M S T C P P
T L F H W A T U D X R P O O S
J V B F H V R B T N Q R K P S
Q X E S F E A S T N O R T A P
CHRISTIANITY CHURCH FEAST GAELIC GREEN MARCH PATRICK PATRON POTATOS PUBS SAINT SHAMROCKS
Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent 604-525-9027
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Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Vic Leach 778-237-0052 John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi
piffle.ca
Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
Judy Darcy, MLA
judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101
Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6
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March 2015
3
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20
DIFFERENT LINES OF DRAFT NOW ON TAP
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$5 PINTS! By Popular Demand! ‘Liver & Onions’ $12
available everyday in March ST. PATRICK’S DAY SPECIALS
• Corn Beef & Cabbage Casserole • Lamb Stew LEGION DAILY MEMBERS • Steak & Guinness Pie 20% DRINK OFF & FOOD REGULAR • Shepherd’s Pie FOOD ITEMS SPECIALS DAILY • Bangers & Mash • Potato & Leek Soup $4 Sleeve Special • Cabbage Rolls EVERYDAY! • Irish Nacho’s
OUR PATIO IS NOW OPEN! Come and enjoy the fresh air while you dine.
IRISH DANCERS! 6pm Tuesday, March 17!
Q: What’s brown and makes a noise like a bell? A: DUNG!
4
March 2015
T
he New Westminster Hyack Ambassador Pageant and Awards Gala will be held over two evenings, Friday March 27 at the historic Bernie Legge Theatre and Saturday March 28 at our beautiful new Anvil Centre. Friday evening will see the eight 2015 candidates present their prepared speeches and chosen talent. This year the Hyack Ambassador program reached out to the Thornbridge Garden community and partnered up the young candidates with selected seniors. The candidates met with and interviewed their senior partner and prepared a speech on the senior’s life. Friday evening will also see the candidates participate in a talent opportunity where they will share with the audience something they are passionate about. Saturday evening will see the culmination of the program’s 5 months of training as the eight candidates will be formally introduced as the 2015 Hyack
Premiere Event Sponsor Cartwright Jewellers
Media Sponsor The Record
Candidate Sponsors
Ambassador Leadership Team and presented with their titles and tiaras. Awards and scholarships will be presented for top talent, top speaker, Bernie Legge Recipient (most improved candidate), Miss Friendship (chosen by candidates themselves), Hyack Princess and Miss New Westminster 2015. Along with City officials, dignitaries and special guests, visiting Ambassadors from around the province will also be in attendance bringing their community greetings to our Royal City, congratulating the newly installed Hyack Ambassadors and saying goodbye to Claire Dresselhuis, Miss New Westminster 2014.
Queen Bee Spa Key West Ford Save-On-Foods (from left to right)
FYI/Doctors — Family Eyecare Centre
Sydney Fitzsimonds ..................... One Source Productions Taylor Atherley ..............Kiwanis Club of New Westminster Jasmine Miriguay ...................................Royal City Rotary Skye Wright-Hinton .......................... F.O.E. #20 New West Simran Rattan ..............FYI Doctors/Family Eyecare Centre Sarah Stewart .......................................... Save-On-Foods Sophie Candolfi ......................................... Key West Ford Jolene Bernardino .................................... Queen Bee Spa
F.O.E. #20 New West
Tickets Available Speech/Talent Night Friday, March 27th .......... www.eventbrite.ca Pageant/Awards Gala Saturday, March 28th....www.ticketsnw.ca
Team Dave Vallee
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
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Event Sponsors Sapperton OAP Unifor 2200 La Spaghetteria Lucky Strike Lanes Vagabond Players — Bernie Legge Theatre
PHOTOGRAPHY
778-397-1449
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
730 – 12th St, New Westminster | www.gaborphotography.com To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
SOUTHERN USA In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
5
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March 2015
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problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.
Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers
604.619.8455
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Dr Robert Henry MacLauchlan & Margaret MacLauchlan 1966 Murders Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.
SEAWORLD Before I got through to SeaWorld, I had to say “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!” They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
AT THE BOOKSHOP A man walks into a bookshop and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.” Did ya hear the one about the Buddhist who went up to the hot dog vendor and said, Make me one with everything.””
6
March 2015
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions. NO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TOBACCO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS HEALTH WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO
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Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
March 2015
7
WATCH YOUR MAILBOX
There has been an increase in mail theft in apartment buildings in the downtown area (Royal Avenue and below). Prying the front door, or charming their way in, thieves are easily prying open the single panel access to all mailboxes. They are after credit cards, cheques and your identity.
2015 Candidates will present their Thornbridge Speeches and Personal Presentations (talent). Tickets available March 1 at www.eventbrite.ca. Saturday, March 28 at Anvil Centre Theatre at 7:00 p.m. for Pageant and Awards Gala.
• Pick up your mail as soon as possible and do not leave it in your mailbox overnight.
2015 Candidates will receive their Hyack Ambassador titles and tiaras. Tickets available March 1 at www.ticketsnw.ca. Contact Deb Wardle at 604-802-2402.
• Do not allow strangers to follow you into the lobby of your building.
CENTURY HOUSE THRIFT SALE
• If you are planning to be away, Canada Post can hold your mail at the delivery offi ce, or you can arrange for a neighbour to pick it up. • Report all suspicious or criminal activity to the Police. For more information contact our team at 604-529-2446. NWPD Crime Reduction Team
CLEAN FAMILY FUN AT THE SALVATION ARMY
Friday, March 6, 6:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. 325 6th St, New Westminster, BC Organized by Lieutenant Sharon Tidd Clean family fun provided by premiere entertainers ventriloquist Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters! The Great Gordini and Norden the Magician. All proceeds will go to our community ministries. Tickets are $10 per person, or $25 for a family. Come enjoy a great evening and bring your friends and family… especially those with smaller children! You will not be disappointed. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. The show will start at 7:00 p.m. and run until 9:00 p.m. A silent auction will also be featured.
BOARD GAMES: THEN & NOW
Saturday, March 14, 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St, New Westminster 3rd Floor, New Westminster Museum By donation 604-527-4640 museum@newwestcity.ca Gather the family and try out old-time games and toys from the museum’s teaching collection and some new games that will get you thinking.
NEW WESTMINSTER HYACK AMBASSADOR PAGEANT AND AWARDS GALA Friday, March 27. 7:00 p.m. at Bernie Legge Theatre
Saturday, March 28, 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m. Century House, 620 Eighth St, New Westminster 604-519-1066 BARGAINS GALORE! FREE ADMISSION “recycled” treasures include: • Clothing and linens
• Knick-knacks
• Kitchenware
• Plants
• DVDs and CDs
• Books
• Jewellery
• Children’s boutique
• Small appliances
• Toys… and more!
Don’t miss this opportunity to pick up odds and ends at a great price. (Donations accepted from Saturday, March 21 to noon on Friday, March 27 at Century House) Refreshments Available! Everyone is welcome! All proceeds go directly to Century House Association. March 14, 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. 604-527-4640 museum@newwestcity.ca
VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES
The Senior Service Society is currently seeking volunteers for our Social and Support programs. The volunteer jobs include: • Meals on Wheels Driver • Meals on Wheels Runner • Medical Transport Driver • Grocery Shopper • Social Program Host • Tax Preparer for Fridays Contact the Volunteer Coordinator at 604-520-6621.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
Q: Why is six scared of seven? A: Because seven eight nine.
8
March 2015
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
AUTO WASH STARTING AT
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence? A: Time to fi x the fence!
Q: Why do seagulls like to live by the sea? A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels!
Q: Why are elephants so wrinkled? A: Did you ever try to iron one? Q: Why did the pony have to gargle? A: Because it was a little horse!
Q: Where did the school kittens go for their field trip? A: To the mewseum.
Q: What disease was the horse scared of getting? A: Hay fever!
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A: A dino-snore! Q: What game does the brontosaurus like to play with humans? A: Squash.
Q: How long should a horse’s legs be? A: Long enough to reach the ground.
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: Which side of the horse has the most hair? A: The outside!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? A: Ruff!
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it.
Q: What do you call a crate full of ducks? A: A box of quackers!
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Q: What did the duck do after he read all these jokes? A: He quacked up!
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Q: What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop!
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March 2015
9
Oh! I’m having waffles in the morning.
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10
March 2015
THE PURINA DIET
poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been
I have a dog and I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
sitting in the middle of the street scratching myself with my leg when a car hit me.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect
IT’S WHAT I MISS MOST A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: “Hi! I am so happy to see you.” Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a
diet and that the way that it works is to
long time. How long has it been since you’ve
load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
had a cigarette?”
and simply eat one or two every time you
Man: “It’s been 10 years!”
feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
With this information the girl unzips a slot
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with
Man: “Thank you so much!”
my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Girl: “So tell me how long has it been since
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been
you had a drink?” Man: “It’s been 10 years!” The girl unzips another pocket on her wet
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
PUZ ZLE #17
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the
suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink. Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!” Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet
corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded
suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been
in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating
since you played around?”
the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “A HOLE MAKER”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too…!?”
Solution to February 2015 | PUZ ZLE #16
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
March 2015
11
FLOWERS DO Someone told me flowers had sex organs… POPPYCOCK!
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
WILL THAT BE EVERYTHING? So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
KETTLE I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood,” I said, “Where is he?”
IT’S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
20 MILLION REASONS When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are just so much smarter than men.
THE DIDGERIDOO So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought… that’s Abba original.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
I used to be in a band, we were called “lost dog.” You probably saw our posters.
12
March 2015
VOTE YES
IN THE TRANSPORTATION & TRANSIT REFERENDUM The Metro Vancouver Mayors' Council Transportation and Transit Plan will have significant benefits for New Westminster that will reduce congestion, improve transit service, and create a more livable community.
Increased frequency of local bus service
Additional HandyDART service
BENEFITS FOR NEW WEST
Funding for new cycling and pedestrian facilities
A new, safer Pattullo Bridge
Upgrades to the Major Road Network
More frequent Expo and Millennium SkyTrain service
Beginning March 16, 2015, ballots will be arriving in the mail. Residents will have until May 29th to vote on a 0.5% increase to the Provincial Sales Tax dedicated to the Mayors’ Transportation and Transit Plan. Please ensure you are on the Elections BC registered votes list and eligible to vote.
www.elections.bc.ca
For more information, please visit www.newwestcity.ca VoteYesNW@newwestcity.ca | #VoteYesNW | 604 521 3711
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
Key West Ford: A Community Leader By Gabor Gasztonyi
W
Drop into Key West Ford, kick a hen you buy a new or used vehicle at New Westminster’s few tires, have a chat with general Key West Ford, or drop your manager Adam Isfeld, whose door vehicle at their great service is always open and support your department, your dollar goes that community. Key West Ford does extra mile because they support that each and every day. just about ever y great community “We are committed to the community and to event in the city. supporting our veterans.” Have a look at the — Tyler Birdsell, Marketing and Event Coordinator list of programs, which they sponsor or support. You will be amazed. Key West Ford touches and enriches all aspects of our great city of New Westminster. The list includes, Key West Ford Show & Shine, Ambassador Programs, Pop up 2015 Mustangs starting at $24,999 Soup Kitchen, Drive One Events 0% financing on new vehicles.* ($6,000.00 for loca l schools and teams), Hyack Football, Hyack Parade, NW Police Golf Tournament, Christmas Parade, the 12th Street Festival and the 2015 F150’s starting at $20,399 New Westminster Salmon Bellies.
www.keywestford.com | sales: 1.866.579.1111 * O n m o s t 2 0 14 / 2 0 15 v e h i c l e m o d e l s , a d e x p i r e s M a r c h 3 1s t 2 0 15 . * * P r i c e s p l u s d e a l e r d o c c h a r g e o f $ 4 9 9 p l u s a p p l i c a b l e t a x e s . * * * V e h i c l e s m a y n o t b e e x a c t l y a s s h o w n .
FE AT U R E STORY
Neal Bacon has a heart-to-heart moment with one of his creations.
A Night of Magic and Ventriloquism A Salvation Army Fundraiser N
ight of Magic and Ventriloquism, featuring Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters, the Great Gordini and Norden the Magician. Door opens at March 6 at 6:30 p.m. At The Salvation Army, 325-6th Street. New Westminster. Show starts at 7:00 p.m. There will be a silent auction too. Tickets are $10 per person, $25 for a family. All proceeds go to our Community Service. ABOUT NEAL BACON Neale Bacon has been providing quality entertainment for children and their families since 1977.
He first became interested in ventriloquism at the age of 6 through a local kids TV show Pete’s Place hosted by local ventriloquist and magician Peter Rolston. He remembers writing to the show as a child and getting a personal invitation from Peter to bring his family down to watch them doing the TV show LIVE! Neale’s studies are in acting, magic, mime and clown work. He then met his childhood hero Peter Rolston again when he saw Peter performing at a locally.
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
March 2015
15
Is March your “lucky” month? Call Liza to learn about your future.
778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA
MAR 2015
ARIES: Understanding other peoples value systems will assist in making money during this time. Just don’t spend money on things you don’t really need.
Neale and Peter became friends, and Peter became a mentor and teacher for Neale. Since that time, Neale has become an international performer. Neale is also a speaker, blending ventriloquism and humour with his inspirational messages. Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters offer squeaky clean, family-style entertainment featuring ventriloquism, comedy, and fun for events of all kinds. The best part is that you will never have to worry about offensive material. Instead, ALL your guests will laugh and take away memories to last a lifetime. You will look like a hero when you bring home the Bacon… To book Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters, call 604-364-7294. ABOUT NORDEN THE MAGICIAN Mike Norden was born in North Vancouver, and has lived in British Columbia, Canada his whole life. Norden has been performing since 1999 and is one of the busiest kids entertainers in the country. He is the ONLY magician to win the “Children’s Magician of the Year” for EIGHT years in a row and the “Comedy Magician of the Year” for THREE years. Norden can be reached at 604-916-9879. THE GREAT GORDINI Are you ready for some amazing magic and goofy entertainment? With experience entertaining people from 3 years old to 103 years old, you can count on Gordini to make your events memorable. Gord Boyes can be reached at 604-852-7361. end
TAURUS: You may be called upon to look after a loved one during this time. Whats lacking in the physical will be made up for within the spiritual department. GEMINI: This is a great time to get together with friends and group activities. Others are attracted to your energy and you have much to share as well as learn. CANCER: Authority figures are pleased with your recent work efforts. Your recent hard work will finally start to pay off. Keep flirtations to a minimum. LEO: Go out and try something new this month. Any new form of art or music will open your mind and bring upon a new understanding of the self. VIRGO: This is a good time to seek out a loan if required. Adjusting to other peoples value system will bring fortune your way. Love is strong and exciting. LIBRA: Your ability to express affection will bring much love into your life; even with business associates. A good time to make peace if there has been conflict. SCORPIO: This is a good time to discuss better working conditions. People in authority will be responsive to your ideas and make going forward much easier. SAGITTARIUS: Your love life heats up during this time. You may fi nd yourself hosting parties and dinners with friends and loved ones. Its all about fun. CAPRICORN: Home is where the heart is during this time. You may find yourself doing those home renovations that have been sitting on the back burner. AQUARIUS: Communications of all types take on a much more easy going tone. Others are open to your ideas. Relationships with siblings run smoothly. PISCES: You may be tempted to spend money on things you don’t really need. This is a good time for new financial opportunities. Be open to new ideas.
I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS: Whether your goal is to lose that last ten pounds, tone up, increase muscle, run 5K or simply gain more energy, WRITE IT DOWN. Stick that goal on your fridge or
INVOLVE A FRIEND: You probably know someone who’s struggling just like you. Ask around at the office, Facebook your friends or chat with a neighbour. I bet you’ll find a few takers for a friendly and motivating competition to get fit through diet and exercise. The bonus — you’ll achieve a more efficient and rewarding workout.
I feel for you — you’re in a tough place right now. But take heart — I have some ideas for you to get re-inspired and back on track:
A.
Help! My new year’s resolution to get trim and fit is about to crash and burn! The first couple of months of 2015 are almost over and everything’s going wrong — I’ve lost my motivation, the diet’s gone out the window and I didn’t hit the gym nearly as often as I planned. I’m ready to give up.
Q.
GET A TRAINER: The trainers at Dynamic Health and Fitness have dealt with all different shapes, sizes and age groups and fitness goals — as well as the challenges to achieve them. It’s both their job and pleasure to keep you positive, motivated and supported as you achieve real, sustainable results. You’ll learn a lot and you’ll have fun too.
GIVE IT TIME: It’s only been a month since New Year’s. It took a while for you to gain the weight and/or lose your ideal fitness level — and it will take some time to reach your goal. In the meantime, don’t be distracted by the claims of rapid weight loss and toning programs. They’re not realistic and the results don’t last. Losing up to two pounds per week is achievable and safe. Find activities that you can incorporate into your routine. Before you know it, you’ll be losing inches and gaining definition in all the right places! Should you slip and eat that calorie-busting brownie, shake it off and hit the reset button.
as well. They’ll provide moral support, encouragement and compliments.
Dynamic Health and Fitness
ASK AN EXPERT:
In my 35+ years of “working out”, and having used personal trainers in the past, I originally purchased 16 training sessions from Dynamic Health and Fitness and Luke Ramnath was my trainer, I was so impressed with Luke that I have been training consistently with him for almost 3 years now! I can offer an opinion on Luke as a personal trainer. Quite simply: he is exceptional! He brings a very straight forward approach, super clear instruction, listens well and learns what YOU want out of your program(s); he is knowledgeable in proper form/technique, includes lots of variation in exercise programs, and is well versed with nutritional information as well. He reminds us all how imperative it is to include BOTH. In January of 2015 I started training with David (once a week) since Luke is away. David is very welcoming, knowledgeable and a phenomenal young trainer. I continue to workout regularly 3-5x weekly to help with the high stress of my hospital job. When I come into the club I feel very welcomed by the staff and other clients. The owners (Jeff and Alison) have created a very professional club that offers a casual, comfortable and unintimidating atmosphere for everyone no
Name: Brenda Age: 55+ Active Member Since: Feb 2011
You can reach your goal. Try these tips, keep up the good work and remember that tried and true maxim: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let’s get started.
matter your age, shape or size — I would have no problem in recommending this club to anyone — kudos to all the staff at Dynamic Health and Fitness for changing my life not only physically but mentally… for the better!
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by your bedside table. Look at it everyday to remind you why you embarked on this journey. A bit of ‘external accountability’ never hurts either — tell your friends, family and partner about your goals
✃
18
March 2015
Saturday, March 28 11AM - 4PM
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
Scottish Cultural Centre
8886 Hudson St, Vancouver
IS AD M
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March 2015 IN COMMON Q: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common? A: Their middle names.
19
March Wishes © Susan McLeod
May March awaken every bud THE FARMER’S DOG A farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper,” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer.
THE LIVING WILL A man and his wife were discussing a living will. “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
PIFFLE’S
and cause a stirring of the blood. May spring rejoice the sprouting earth and nudge each sleeper to rebirth. May older habits fade or fail so new beginnings can prevail. May passions open every sense and seize the day, and jump the fence. May happiness be clear and real and hardships pause, and bruises heal. May being rich with heart’s content be shared with friends, and never spent. May pleasure find a sweet surprise responding to a lover’s eyes.
HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?
May New Westminster hold the clue where all these wishes can come true. “I am a listener, and observer of what creative flowerings are happening in New Westminster and enjoy the out flow of joy that happens when friends express themselves in creative endeavors.” — Susan McLeod
POET’S CORNER with Poet Laureate New Westminster CANDICE JAMES
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@outlook.com or call 778-322-1131 for info. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
20
March 2015
Our small prices will leave you with a…
THE FARMER’S DOG A farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper,” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer.
IN COMMON Q: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common? A: Their middle names.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE DAUGHTERS HAVE LEARNED: • No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
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March 2015
21
• When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. • If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
Express your strenght.
tomato. • You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. • Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. • Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. • You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. • The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
IT’S A MATTER OF TASTE
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Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted comedian and one says to the other, “Does
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PAYLESS
St Patrick’s Day Dinner
March 17th, 2015
COIN LAUNDRY SERVICES
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22
March 2015
THE MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a marriage seminar dealing
“Y’ken,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s
with communication, Tom and his wife Grace
a wee bar called McTavish’s. Now,the landlord
listened to the instructor,
there goes out of his way for the locals so
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?” Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s self-raising, isn’t it?
much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.” “Ahhh, that’s nothin,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin, there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll
OBITUARIE
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
A woman goes to the local paper’s office
you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks
to see that the obituary for her recently
they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get
deceased husband is published. The obit
laid. All on the house!”
editor informs her that there is a charge
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately
of $5 per word. She pauses, reflects, and
pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims. But, the
then she says, “Well then, let it read:
Irishman swears every word is true.
‘Euan Davis died’.” Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read: ‘Euan Davis died,
“Well,” said the Englishman, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not me myself, personally, no,” said the Irishman. “But it did happen to me sister.”
golf clubs for sale’”.
FIVE FLOORS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POND
Two men are getting more and more
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot
relaxed in the bar on the 86th floor of the
were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view
Empire State Building. They have exhausted
was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
complaints about wives and work and the
exceptional.
world has begun to look a little rosier.
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March 2015
23
One man turns to the other and says, “Did you know that if you jump out of this window on the south side, there’s an amazing wind current that blows you gently in to floor five down below?” “Gedoutahere!”, says the other, “No way can that be true”. The other man says, “Look, I’ll prove it”. He casually walks over to the window, slides aside the glass and jumps. His horrified friend rushes to the window and sees him speed down, only to disappear just before he should have smashed into the pavement. Two minutes later the lift doors open and in walks his totally unfazed pal saying, “Told you… fifth floor, window’s always open”. “That’s amazing, an amazing fluke”, he says, at which point he sees his pal stride to the window and throw himself out again. Two minutes later he reappears from the lift doors saying, “No Fluke, guaranteed. Now its your turn”. Excited as well as nervous, the man walks to the window, takes a few gulps of air, then jumps… Down past the floors he flies, faster and faster, until… splaaaat, he is a crumpled mess on the pavement. At this point the barman looks up from polishing some glasses and says, “Jeeez, you’re such an jerk when you’re drunk, Superman”.
What is one traditional pub drink on St. Patrick’s Day? What if there were no hypothetical situations?
24
March 2015 JOHNNY’S TEACHER A teacher at a High School was having a little trouble getting her year 11 pupils to understand grammar, “These are what we call the pronouns”, she said, “and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is…” she was saying, to glazed looks. Trying a different tack she said, “Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, “I” in it. Johnny began, “I is…” “No, no, no, no, no NO, NO!”, shouted the teacher, “Never, ‘I is’, always, ‘I am’… now try again”. Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, 10% OFF*
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March 2015
25
home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?” “Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “There’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking a cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.” “Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and
SPRING CLEANING FOR FIRE SAFETY
(whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur It is. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gay.”
SOMETIMES A MANAGER SHOULD JUST BUTT OUT A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer. “No sir” said the salesman.” We haven’t had any for a while and it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting any soon.” The manager was horrified and yelled after the
WITH SPRING IN THE AIR, NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO CHECK FOR FIRE HAZARDS IN AND AROUND YOUR HOME SMOKE ALARMS/DETECTORS
Carefully vacuum and clean your devices to remove dust buildup to ensure safe operation. While you are there give it a test. Your smoke alarm can’t protect you if the batteries have been removed or a plug has been disconnected. Replace any alarms that are 10 years or older. Remember to recycle your smoke alarms.
STORAGE
tell a customer we’re out of anything! NOW,
Don’t allow unnecessary storage to build up; paint, papers and combustible products should be removed and recycled if possible. Flammable materials should be stored neatly in approved containers and away from possible ignitable sources. Remove hazardous material such as gas, propane and other flammable liquids and gasses to an outside storage area.
WHAT DID HE WANT?”
DRYER VENTS, STOVE TOP VENTS & CHIMNEYS
departing customer,” Come back next week. We’re sure to have whatever it is you need.” Irate, he turned to his salesman,” Never
“Rain,” answered the salesman.
MARTINI Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
Spring is a great time to check for and clean out the buildup in your vents. Ensure that the air exhaust and outdoor vent flap on your dryer are unobstructed and open readily. Clean the filter on your oven hood. And after the cold winter, have a professional service your chimney.
HOT WATER TANKS AND FURNACE
Clean around these appliances and ensure there are no obstructions around vents. Check vent pipes between gas appliances and the chimney for corrosion or rust and when your appliances were last serviced.
BARBEQUES
Get ready for the grilling season by removing grease build up from your BBQ. Check and clean all these areas: • Housing; • Grease trap; • Around the base and propane tank; • Check propane tank and line well you are there.
New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6
www.newwestcity.ca
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
26
March 2015
SPRING BREAK SPECIALS FULL PEDICURE WITH SHELLAC POLISH $45
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THANK YOU The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done?’” “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”
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I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT After reading the complicated instructions for the automatic teller, the confused customer walked over to a bank officer. “Excused me,” said the customer, “but I was wondering if you could help me out.” “Certainly,” smiled the officer. “Go right through that door.”
THAT ONE ANSWER Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order
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March 2015
27
to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
Royal
City
CHIROPRACTIC Dr. P.G. Campbell D.C.
“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant. “We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager. “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other,” the rejected applicants inquired. “Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question… 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”
Is so
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Breakfast Served All-Day ~ Western & Chinese Cuisine ~ Pick-Up Orders 10% off (min. $20) Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.
28
March 2015
IT’S ELEMENTARY
PLEASE CANCEL
The stockbroker received notice from the
A customer sent an order to a
CRA that he was being audited. He showed
distributor for a large amount of goods
up at the appointed time and place with all
totaling a great deal of money. The
IWONA PIEROGIES
his financial
distributor noticed that the previous
records,
bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his
and then
collections manager to leave a voice-mail
sat for what
for them saying, “We can’t ship your new
seemed like
order until you pay for the last one.” The
hours as the
next day the collections manager received
accountant
a collect phone call, “Please cancel the
pored over
order. We can’t wait that long.”
them. Finally the CRA agent
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barber whispers to his customer, “This is
up and
the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I
commented,
prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill
“You must
in one hand and two quarters in the other,
have been a
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do
tremendous
you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters
fan of Sir Arthur
and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the
Doyle” “why would you
barber. “That kid never learns!”
say that,” wondered
the same young boy coming out of the ice
you’ve made more
cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a
brilliant deductions
question? Why did you take the quarters
on your last three
instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied,
Holmes made in his
“Because the day I take the dollar, the
entire career.”
game is over!”
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International Ministries
43 6th St,
New Westminster
64 8th St New Westminster Email: freedomfireband@telus.net revival@telus.net Office: 604-558-5824 Cell: 604-877-0662
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees
the broker. “Because
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the
looked
returns than Sherlock
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25
$
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Knox Presbyterian Church
403 E Columbia St, New West
604.524.6712
The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster
Regular Sunday Service at 11am
Tired Of Straining To Hear...
• Soft Talkers? • Group Conversation? • In Background Noise?
We Can Help. Here’s How: When you arrive for your first appointment, we’ll sit down with you and talk about specific problems you’re having with your hearing and how it’s affecting you.
*We don’t believe in pushy sales tactics and you won’t be offered ‘cookie-cutter’ solutions. Our approach is unique, respectful, and personalized to you.
You won’t feel rushed - you’ll have all the time you need to get answers to all of your questions.
If hearing aids are an option for you and if you are interested in discussing them further with Jamie, we will arrange a second appointment for you to return.
Then, we’ll do a complete assessment of your hearing. For this, you will wear comfortable headphones in our quiet sound booth and respond to soft sounds by pressing a button and repeating words aloud. When the test is complete, we’ll discuss your results in as much detail as you are comfortable with. We will recommend to you the best strategy and give you an overview of your options based on your hearing ability, your expectations, and your budget.
At your second visit we will discuss, in detail, exactly what options are going to be most beneficial for you and what you will feel comfortable with. Your input is valued and you’ll feel included in and throughout this process.
Please Call: 778-727-0208 www.simplehearing.ca
You’ll get a copy of your test results and information to look over at home. Jamie Larsen (Owner & Hearing Aid Specialist)
Member
Registered With: The College of Speech and Hearing Professionals of BC
As Seen On: Weekend Morning News - “Ask an Expert”
7885 6th Street, #108 � Burnaby, BC
30
March 2015 CHICKEN LITTLE One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She
Honestly driven.
came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is
604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
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falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
I KNOW, THE JOKE IS PAINFUL There was once a couple named Nancy
Green Beer
and Mike Tate, and it was their life’s dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate’s
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March 2015
31
Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts. Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate’s Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South. Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate’s compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, “He who has a Tate’s is lost.” (Say it out loud).
Do You Have a RETIREMENT PLAN? Do you know what RESIDUAL INCOME is?
RETIREMENT
How many dollars do you think you AHEAD? need to live comfortably when you want to retire? $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 or $5,000... If you picked $5,000/mth, with today’s low interest rates at approx 3%... You would need $2,000,000 saved in the bank!
Are you looking for a solution to this problem? Please contact me for a free info-session on how you can earn a residual income so you can retire. I look forward to sharing my plan with you! Let’s have a chat, call me at: 604-838-0312
Oh! I’m having waffles in the morning.
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