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April 2015 | Your community humour magazine | Issue 175
LitFest New West! Linda Cullen and Bob Robertson host. Photo by venturi +karpa.
20
DIFFERENT LINES OF DRAFT NOW ON TAP
The largest Literary Festival in New West is going to spark some inspiration starting April 24.
See feature on P14 “Let’s Get Ahead Together”
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April 2015
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Piffle Word Search L A B V Z N F M V A H X P H Q
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www.eastridgecomputer.ca PLACES I’VE BEEN I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
Show your cute side.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too We regret our spell check failed in March issue.
often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. continued on page 4
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April 2015
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April 2015
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JANE’S WALK
Do you see significant improvement to climate change damage?
Jane’s Walk is an annual event celebrating city pedestrians. This event happens all over the world, one weekend each year. It’s a global celebration of the legacy of writer Jane Jacobs, who campaigned for pedestrian-oriented cities. This year we’re all celebrating on May 1, 2 and 3. Come out and take a walk and explore your city with some New Westminster neighbours. Check the list of free walks happening on this year’s Jane’s Walk weekend.
Are you interested in where clean energy jobs will be, and what skills they will demand? Offi cial Opposition Leader Tom Mulcair and Peter Julian want to hear from you. Join the conversation! 604-775-5707 or email peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca.
NEW WESTMINSTER POET LAUREATE CELEBRATION
Walks are listed on www.janeswalk.org and by mid-April we’ll display a list of walks in the NW Public Library. Choose which Wednesday, April 22, New Westminster Public Librar y, walk(s) you’d like to join, and just show up at the start location. 716 6th Ave. Come out for a New Westminster walk. Everyone’s welcome! World Poetry and Community Partners Celebrates our New Westminster Poet Laureates: Edna Anderson, Don Benson FUEL THE FURNACE and Candice James. Annual Pancake Breakfast at St. Barnabas Church on April The goal is to bring the creative community together. The event 25 from 8:30 a.m. until 11:30 a.m. Location is 1010 5th Ave, will include readings by the Poet Laureates and selected readNew Westminster. Breakfast is by donation and put on by the ers. There will also be music, a book raffl e and refreshments. New Westminster Lions Club. Proceeds go towards getting a new furnace for the church. For more information contact Don Benson and Candice James as well as their signifi cant others will be attending. All are welcome to attend. Joan McLean at joan1mclean@shaw.ca.
THE 10TH ANNUAL DISABILITY TAX CREDIT COMMUNITY SEMINAR
THE O’CONNER GIRLS
April 2, 3, 4, 5, 9, 10, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 8:00 p.m., Bernie Legge Theatre, Queen’s Park Tuesday, April 14, 2015 - 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. Edmonds Community Centre, Multipurpose Room 1, Main floor Katie Forgette’s charming family drama. (7433 Edmonds St, between Humphries and Fulton, Burnaby) Tickets: $15, Seniors/Youth: $13 Wednesday, April 15, 2015 - 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. Qayqayt Elementary School, Library, Main fl oor (85 Merivale $10 previews on April 2 & 3 St, near Royal Ave, New Westminster) Reservations: 604-521-0412 You or someone you know may be eligible for a DISABILITY Email: reservations@vagabondplayers.ca TAX CREDIT retroactive for up to ten years. Please join Peter Julian, MP, for his 10th Annual Disability ARTISM — ART WORKSHOPS Tax Credit Community Seminars at the following wheelchair FOR STUDENTS WITH accessible location: Qayqayt Elementary School, Library, Main floor (85 Merivale St, near Royal Ave, New Westminster). Sign SPECIAL NEEDS Artism is an ongoing series of art Language interpreters will be in attendance both days. workshops for individuals of all ages with atypical abilities. Artism IMAGINE A CANADA POWERED BY CLEAN is hosted by the inclusive creative ENERGY sp ac e a t 10 0 Br aid S t S tudios. What do you see? Do you see leading economies around the Visit www.artism.ca / workshops world who are creating jobs while running on clean energy for the lastest schedule or email sources? support@artism.ca.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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April 2015
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
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A: A bed.
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
A: He just flipped. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Cell phones.
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A: A Gummy Bear.
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch!
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April 2015
Human RESOURCES
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St.
One day while walking down the street a
Peter put the executive in an elevator and
highly successful HR Director was tragically
it went down-down-down to hell. The doors
hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up
opened and she found herself stepping out
in heaven where she was met at the Pearly
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
Gates by St. Peter himself.
course. In the distance was a country club
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter.
and standing in front of her were all her
“Before you get settled in though, it seems
friends… fellow executives that she had worked
we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,
with and they were all dressed in evening
we’ve never once had a Human Resources
gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
Director make it this far and we’re not really
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked
sure what to do with you.”
about old times. They played an excellent round
“No problem, just let me in,” said the
of golf and at night went to the country club
woman. “Well, I’d like to,” replied St. Peter,
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
“but I have higher orders. What we’re going
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was
to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
in Heaven and then you can choose whichever
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She
one you want to spend an eternity in.”
was having such a good time that before she
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she
PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD
Puzzle #18
The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the
found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she
corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded
knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter
in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating
came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day
the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.
in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now
This issue’s hint: “road runner”
you must choose your eternity,” he said. The
Solution to March 2015 | Puz zle #17
PICTOGRAPH
BY ROSS HOOD
Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
11
woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
you’re staff.”
CANNIBAL COMEDY Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted comedian and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
NOWHERE TO BE SEEN I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
DID THE HUSSLE I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
MARTINI Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
WHAT? Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs? A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
12
O
April 2015
nce again, the Fraser Valley Antique and Collectibles Club (FVACC) is proudly hosting its 22nd annual antiques and collectibles show at Queens Park Arena, New Westminster, BC — Fri/sat/sun/april 24th26th, 2015. If you are a collector, you DON’T WANT TO MISS OUT this show! You definitely want to MARK THIS IN YOUR CALENDAR! This is the biggest and best show in BC! There are over 200+ tables with all types of vintage antiques and collectibles for sale: early advertising, toys, signs, tins, Coca-Cola, gas and oil, paper and ephemera, post cards, general store merchandise, china, porcelain, Moorcroft, jew-
elry, Chinese Dynasty, furniture, Canadiana, stoneware, pottery, breweriana, jars, coins, tokens, bottles, ginger beer, radios, LP records, paintings, prints, telephones, dairy milk, soda siphons, calendars, photos, books, Woodward’s, T. Eaton, Hudson Bay, Medalta, Ogilvie, fishing and hunting, military, railroad and railway, steamship, hockey and sports memorabilia, comics, movie posters, clocks, watches, Disney, Native artifacts, Royalty, and so on. FVACC is a non-profit organization which was established in 1984 in Vancouver. Its mission statement is the following: “devoted to the identification,
preservation, appreciation and collection of antiques, collectibles and local historical artifact.” The club has over 150+ members who collect all various types of vintage antiques and collectibles. The club hosts an annual antiques and collectibles show, holds regular monthly meetings in New Westminster, and circulates the bi-monthly Newsletter, The Fraser Valley Holedown. For more information on the FVACC and membership, please email: fvacclub@gmail.com or visit us online: https://sites.google.com/site/fvaccsite. Like us on Facebook: FVaC Club. Follow us on Twitter: FVaCCLuB.
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
ARTS COUNCIL OF NEW WESTMINSTER presents
@litfestnewwest
Bob Robertson & Linda Cullen
Steve Burgess
Phinder Dulai
Mike McCardell
J. J. Lee
Steven Galloway
Friday, April 24, 6:30pm-8:30pm Opening Reception, New Westminster Public Library Please pre-register at the library or call 604-527-4667. Visit www.artscouncilnewwest.org/litfest for the latest news.
Saturday, April 25 ~ Douglas College
Time
11:00am-12:00pm
1:00pm-2:00pm
2:00pm-3:00pm
2:00pm-3:00pm
5:30pm-6:30pm 7:30pm-10:00pm
Lecture Hall A
Shelley Fralic Newspapers: The Reports of our Deaths Are Greatly Exaggerated
Frances Peck Sentences with Style Ruth Kozak So You Want to Write a Historical Novel? Panel with Wayde Compton, Andrew Gray, Nicola Harwood & Calvin Wharton The Scoop on Creative Writing Programs: a Discussion with the People who know
Lecture Hall B
Laurie Ann Melnychuk World Building: A Neglected Skill in Fiction Writing
Classroom C
Bonnie Nish Playing with Shadow: The Poetics of Finding Voice
Sylvia Taylor Don Hauka The Art & Engineering of Making a “You Must Remember This…”: How Living In the Writing World to Write Your Own “Casablanca” Neil McKinnon A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Laptop Lois Peterson Connecting with Children – In Print and in Person
Classroom D
Jane Eaton Hamilton Reading: Love Will Burst into a Thousand Shapes Ian Weir Reading: Will Starling Linda McGowan Reading: Travelling the World with MS… in a Wheelchair Kevin Chong Reading: Northern Dancer
Lawren Nemeth & Enrico Renz Craft & Inspiration in Songwriting Jónína Kirton Page as Bone ~ Ink as Blood: Exploring Cellular or Ancestral Memory
Poet-ential Open Mic in the Douglas College Gallery Hosts Ariadne Sawyer & Aidan Chafe lead off with feature Phinder Dulai, followed by an open mic. Written in the Stars Extravaganza in the Muir Theatre Hosts Bob Robertson & Linda Cullen with features such as Steve Burgess, Steven Galloway, Candice James, JJ Lee, Mike McCardell, and many others, including musical guests.
Fe at u r e story
Stephen O’Shea and Marianne Janzen prepare for the largest LitFest ever. Photo by Janet Kvammen
LitFest New West 2015 ‘Inspiration’ Between the Lines
Story by Marianne Janzen
W
here does inspiration come from? How do writers find their ideas? Do the letters magically fall from the sky, forming the words as they hit the page? LitFest 2015 has the answers! Inspiration is the theme at LitFest 2015, New Westminster’s own annual Literary Festival, presented by the Arts Council of New Westminster. “The Arts Council is passionate about bringing people together to celebrate and share the arts in New Westminster,” said council president Leanne
Ewen. The New Westminster Public Library, under the guidance of Chief Librarian Julie Spurrell, is a key sponsor, presenting The LitFest Launch Party on Friday, April 24, 6:30 to 9:30 p.m. Author Roxanne Davies will talk about Olga: the O.K. Way to a Healthy, Happy Life, co-written with the late Olga Kotelko. As Olga said, “My goal in writing this book has always been to inspire others to step onto the path to good health.” Food and refreshments will be served. The event is free, but registration is
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
15
required. To register, call 604-527-4667 or email listener@nwpl.ca. The library is located at 716 6th Avenue. This year’s LitFest Chair, Marianne Janzen, wanted to thank all the event’s sponsors for keeping the events free to the public. This year, returning
At LitFest New West, I Transform Irreversibly into an Oyster © Kyle McKillop The current of thought shifts and my flesh turns to calcium carbonate, my bones to heart tissue, to kidneys. The current shifts and it sings outside my new walls like strange similia; my brain’s new cilia lure the salt water, usher in the plankton, the spirilli, the debris, all the ocean wanderers that now end their lives in the mucus of my gills.
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Thought meanders, a hermit crab picking its way across the white crags of our shells, an experience shared and separate, little foot taps that drift by at ease. But something catches, some lemon-wheeled diatom slips into the Hades of my gullet, my silty muscles grating on its silica, wearing and moaning like bumpers on a dock,
Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen almost certainly have a few words to share as LitFest hosts.
sponsor Douglas College is joined by new key sponsors: the Douglas College Alumni Association, in partnership with Douglas College’s Language, Literature and Performing Arts Department and the Creative Writing Department, under the guidance of Dean Meg Stainsby. “We’ve been able to reach out to Douglas College students past and present thanks to them”, said Marianne. “And we can’t forget to thank the City of New Westminster, the Province of B.C., and so many community partners like The Piffle.” Royal City Literary Arts Society (www.rclas. com) is another important sponsor. RCLAS is a New Westminster-based collection of writers, readers, and performers. Current president Kyle McKillop follows in the footsteps of his mentor, New Westminster Poet Laureate Candice James. As B.C.’s fastest-growing literary group, with almost 200 events staged in the past year, RCLAS has something for everyone! Along with RCLAS director Aidan Chafe, Kyle has continued on page 18
and I can’t lie here helplessly: I layer nacre in iridescent blocks across its stubbled sides, I stack shining platelets like phrases into a sentence, a stone wall. You don’t even see me stack or mortar the bricks. In deep relief I rest there watching the white skin harden, slowly, like a poem. Kyle McKillop is a poet and public school teacher. He is also the president of Royal City Literary Arts Society and a member of the committee that is building the biggestever LitFest New West, taking place April 25 at Douglas College. He can be found on Facebook (facebook.com/ kylemckillop) and Twitter (@kylemckillop).
POET’S CORNER with
JANET KVAMMEN
“I would like to thank Chris Sargent for his support over the past 5 years while I have managed Poet’s Corner and brought New West poets to the forefront via this column. I am taking time now to tour and travel so am handing the reins over to Janet Kvammen.” — Candice James
Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems for this column by emailing Janet: janetkvammen@rclas.com
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
VARIETY: Even if you’re still not ‘feeling it’ when you walk into your gym, you can change up your routine. Not sure you want to use the weights or
Check out the benefits of working out at the gym:
Like good intentions though, onscreen home workouts are easily overlooked, ignored and/ or avoided in favour of playing with the kids, relaxing over a glass of wine or settling in for some screen time. On the other hand, a gym is structured to motivate you to get fit. It’s your second home — furnished with the right equipment, coaching and motivation you need to make your workout time well spent.
Home fitness workouts have been available on vinyl, videotape and DVD for ages — and most recently, “Gillian Michaels, px90” and “Insanity” have gained quite a following.
A.
What benefit does the gym have over working out at home to my Insanity DVD?
Q.
Check any fitness blog and you’ll see valid pros and cons for the home workout vs. gym debate. However, each
BEST OF BOTH: Mix home and gym. If your goal is to workout four times a week, alternate gym and home workouts. For some of us, knowing we have a choice makes it easier to do both
ATMOSPHERE: When you don’t feel like it, it’s easy to put off your home workout. But if you promised a buddy you would meet at the gym after work, you’ll usually opt to keep your workout date. Even going solo doesn’t mean you won’t meet some great people — including a spotter when you need one! Sometimes a simple ‘hi’ from your fellow gym users can give you that spark that makes you glad you hit the gym instead of the fridge. Can your px90 DVD do that for you?
EQUIPMENT: Home workout programs tend to rely on the use of body weight as the resistance element of your exercise. While always available and economical, body weight isn’t adjustable. You can adjust the settings on resistance machines to increase muscular strength and bone density, burn calories and tone muscles. Generally speaking, gym equipment like treadmills and ellipticals are more varied, shock absorbent and functional than their home grade equivalents.
the cardio equipment? Try a class that suits your interest, fitness level and desired intensity.
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ASK AN EXPERT:
Three years ago, I decided to join a gym to get myself back in shape so that I could play hockey again. I had been to a number of other gyms in the past, but none compared with Dynamic Health and Fitness. The atmosphere was very inviting, the staff were very friendly and helpful and the equipment well-kept and modern. For the last two years I have been working out with one of Dynamic’s personal trainers. Over that time, Bret t has helped motivate me to lose the weight and gain the strength and flexibility I needed to continue to play hockey. She suggested taking Yoga classes and do some strength training, which helped a lot. Although I am now in playing shape, I’m still working out with Brett once a week, as well taking two Yoga classes each week and going to the gym as often as I can to maintain what I have to stay healthy and strong. I will
Name: Drew Age: 55+ Active Member Since: Jan 2012
be completing my second full season of hockey this spring. Thank you to Dynamic Health and Fitness and especially my personal trainer Brett — she is great and I could not have done it without her!
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gym debate. However, each side has a common theme — whether you choose home, gym or a combination of both, stick with your fi tness program!
18
April 2015
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form name Address
city province phone email
postal
❑ 1 Year ($50 + $2.50 tAX)* ❑ new ❑ renewal ❑ send me the Free digital version too! subscription start m m / Y Y Y Y make payments to “sargent’s publishing” Piffle Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 columbia st new Westminster, Bc V3m 1A5 *subscription rate has increased due to Canada Post’s announced increase in stamp prices.
organized the workshops and readings for LitFest. As a poet and teacher, he believes that excellence is achievable if pursued. This is evident in the lineup for this year’s LitFest: presenters and readers include winners and finalists for the Amazon.ca First Novel Award, BC Book Prizes, CBC Literary Award, Commonwealth Writers’ Prize, Gemini Awards, Pat Lowther Award, Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal and the VanCity Award, among others. “There aren’t many awards out there for teaching, but our presenters are skilled and experienced and ready to make a difference in your writing life!” said Kyle. Playwright, screenwriter and novelist Ian Weir will read from Will Starling. Wayde Compton, author of After Canaan: Essays on Race, Writing, and Region will join a panel discussion on Lower Mainland writing programs. Shelley Fralic, journalist and columnist at The Vancouver Sun, and author of Making Headlines: 100 Years of The Vancouver Sun, has a workshop titled: “Newspapers: The reports of our death are greatly exaggerated”. We’re offering workshops on Screenwriting (Don Hauka), Kidlit (Lois Peterson), Fiction (Ruth Kozak), Poetry Prompts (Bonnie Nish) Prompted Writing and Spirit (Jonina Kirton), Humour (Neil McKinnon) The Business of Writing (Sylvia Taylor), Style (Frances Peck), Fiction (Laurie Ann Melnychuk) and Songwriting (Lawren Nameth & Enrico Renz). Also, from 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m., join hosts Aidan Chafe and Ariadne Sawyer for Poetry Open Mic, featuring poet Phinder Dulai. If you’re feeling inspired to take a free workshop, come to Douglas College in New Westminster on Saturday, April 25, from 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.” To register for workshops, or for more information, visit the Arts Council website www.artscouncilnewwest.org or call the Arts Council Office at 604-525-3244. When it came to planning the evening gala, “Written in the Stars”, the Arts Council of New Westminster organizers were truly inspired. Come to the Laura C. Muir Theatre at Douglas College
continued from page 15
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
19
on April 25, 7:30 p.m., for a fun evening of music, madness and mayhem. Hosts for the evening are Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen, creators of Double Exposure for CBC. Bob and Linda were on the organizing committee, and helped bring some folks to our stage: Steven Galloway, Steve Burgess, JJ Lee, Mike McCardell, Sound Eclectic, Tamer Young, Jack Yarwood, The City of New Westminster Pipe Band, and New Westminster Poet Laureate Candice James. Marianne is delighted with how the event is shaping up. “The LitFest organizers challenged themselves this year to produce an event that has something for writers and those who want to write, for readers, and for those who love to hear the word, spoken or sung. We were inspired by past LitFests, but we wanted something a little different too.” Returning favorites include Marketplace and poetry readings. If it’s inspiration that you’re interested in, LitFest 2015 is exactly what you need. end
Piffle’s
Call Liza to see what spring will bring!
778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA
APR 2015
ARIES: Place the needs of others before your own and your accomplishments will be great. Your daily life picks up steam and your ready to accomplish all that you can. TAURUS: You need to express yourself and so you shall. You know what you want and will do everything to get it. Physical activities play a big role. GEMINI: Much activity within your home takes place during this time. Someone else in your home may have a different point of view, listen before reacting. CANCER: Encounters with people in your immediate environment picks up dramatically. Great ideas come from great thinkers, apply this knowledge. LEO: Don’t identify what others have with you; you are not what you own. Put your money making skills to work and see what you can accomplish. VIRGO: Now is the time to show the world what you are made of; don’t hold back. You may fi nd yourself fi ghting for your rights.
how fast can you get through?
LIBRA: If your feeling vague and uneasy, be sure to take the time for some solace. Your efforts will only be undermined if you come across aggressive. SCORPIO: Formulate those goals and go after them with gusto. Co-ordinate your needs with others and watch the fantastic results happen before your eyes. SAGITTARIUS: Your ambition to succeed is at it’s highest. Just watch out for authority figures that may try to throw you off course. Remain calm in all tasks. CAPRICORN: You may fi nd yourself asserting your belief systems onto others. Believe you are the idea and watch others flock to what you have to share. AQUARIUS: Transformations through conflicts may arise during this time. Money and others people’s ideas on how it should be allocated comes into play. PISCES: You find yourself throwing yourself into partnerships of all kinds. Remember the universal need of compromise. This will prove to be beneficial.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
20
April 2015 More Rabbit Q&A Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades! Q: What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? A: Hopscotch! Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding? A: They went on their bunnymoon! Q: What do rabbits put in their computers? A: Hoppy disks! Q: Where do rabbits work? A: At IHOP Restaurants! Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? A: Because from a distance they looked like hares! Q: What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop! Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house? A: She was fed up with the hole thing!
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Marion
Vote No!
Tran$Link says that this tax is the only way to stop traffic from getting much worse. (Only Way???) But that’s not true, they could just stop wasting your money! The Mayors’ Council/Tran$Link says they want a new tax? Tran$Link already takes so much
$258 for a Tran$Link sales tax?
That’s on top of what they already tax us:
* 4 cents per litre TransLink gas tax is now 17 cents *5 cents per litre from the Federal gas tax * Parking tax increased to 21% *Property taxes that grow by 3% every year. Seniors now defer/borrow to pay property taxes. *$22.80 a year on your electricity bill
They want you to trust them with 0.5% increase?
With their history of increasing existing taxes and fees? Why would you?
If they saved only 0.5% of future revenue growth Tran$Link and the Mayors’ could pay for their 10 year plan gradually, without raising your taxes a dime.
www.notranslinktax.ca
22
April 2015
THE POKER GAME Six guys were playing poker when Smith
his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches
his son replied, “I was talking to the new kid
his chest and drops dead at the table.
across the street and he said he came from
Showing respect for their fallen comrade,
Sapperton, so I was just wondering where I
the other five complete their playing time
came from.”
standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is
ON THE BEACH A couple lived near the ocean and used
always a loser, picks the short one. They
to walk the beach a lot. One summer they
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t
noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty
make a bad situation any worse than it
much every day.
is. “Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag
discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion
she carried, except for one thing. She would
is my middle name, leave it to me.”
approach people who were sitting on the
Rippington walks over to the Smith house,
beach, glance around, then speak to them.
knocks on the door, the wife answers, and
Generally, the people would respond
asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your
negatively and she would wander off, but
husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
occasionally someone would nod and there
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
would be a quick exchange of money for
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.
something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and
TELL ME DAD
debated calling the cops, but since they
“Dad, where did I come from,” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that
didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
a 10 year old would be asking a question like
After a couple of weeks the wife asked,
that. He was hoping to wait a few more years
“Honey, have you ever noticed that she only
before he would have to explain the facts of
goes up to people with boom boxes and other
life, but he figured it was better a few years
electronic devices?”
early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained everything to
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
23
big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then,” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.
NEW TO COMPUTERS New customer to Tech Support: It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: Tried but nothing. Tech Support: What key did you hit? After a moment and some clicking sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
Canada is a bilingual country, but what is the only official bilingual province? a) Quebec
c) Ontario
b) New Brunswick
d) Nova Scotia
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
24
April 2015
VOTE YES
IN THE TRANSPORTATION & TRANSIT REFERENDUM The Metro Vancouver Mayors' Council Transportation and Transit Plan will have significant benefits for New Westminster that will reduce congestion, improve transit service, and create a more livable community.
Increased frequency of local bus service
Additional HandyDART service
BENEFITS FOR NEW WEST
Funding for new cycling and pedestrian facilities
A new, safer Pattullo Bridge
Upgrades to the Major Road Network
More frequent Expo and Millennium SkyTrain service
Beginning March 16, 2015, ballots will be arriving in the mail. Residents will have until May 29th to vote on a 0.5% increase to the Provincial Sales Tax dedicated to the Mayors’ Transportation and Transit Plan. Please ensure you are on the Elections BC registered votes list and eligible to vote.
www.elections.bc.ca
For more information, please visit www.newwestcity.ca VoteYesNW@newwestcity.ca | #VoteYesNW | 604 521 3711
To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
25
Oh! I’m having waffles in the morning.
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636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
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A boiled egg is hard to beat.
26
April 2015
Is so
in g ? s s i gm n i h t me
$3 OFF!
(min. $20, dine-in only, specials excluded)
Something special from Jenny & Simon for you! Jenny & Simon
609 12th St, New West
PHONE 604-525-1238
All-Day Breakfast $4.95 ~ Western & Chinese Cuisine ~ Pick-Up Orders 10% off (min. $20)
We can’t wait to host your next event.
Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall
can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.
• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor
• Downstairs has 3,500 sq. ft., linoleum floor, kitchen facilities
• Parking for 30 cars, close to Sapperton SkyTrain Station
• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit
S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL
318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
27
APRIL ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL WITH THIS COUPON RECEIVE A SURPRISE GIFT each time you visit April Nails and spend $25 or more.
SHELLAC MANICURE $23 (regular $28, removal of old shellac is $5) with this coupon.
APRIL NAIL SPA
778.397.0185
989 Carnarvon Street New Westminster, BC mary@aprilnailspa.com
OPEN 7 DAYS / WEEK
Mon-Fri: 10 am – 7 pm Saturday: 10 am – 6 pm Sunday: 10 am – 4 pm
Advance booking is recommended. Please present this coupon at time of service. Cannot combine with other offers. The same person can use one coupon for both services at the same time.
www.aprilnailspa.com
Royal
City
CHIROPR ACTIC Dr. P.G. Campbell D.C.
Suite
a p p Bo o k o in in g no t m en w! ts
110-846 20th St.
10 TIPS FOR FIRE SAFETY IN YOUR HOME 1.
WATCH YOUR COOKING: Stay
in the Kitchen when you are frying, grilling, or broiling food. If you must leave, even for a short time, turn off the stove.
2.
GIVE SPACE HEATERS SPACE: Keep fixed and portable space
heaters at least 3 feet from anything that can burn. Turn off heaters when you leave the room or go to sleep. 3.
SMOKE OUTSIDE: Ask smokers to smoke outside. Have sturdy,
deep ashtrays for smokers. 4.
KEEP MATCHES AND LIGHTERS OUT OF REACH: Keep Matches
and lighters up high and out of the reach of children, preferably in a cabinet with a child lock. 5.
INSPECT ELECTRICAL CORDS: Replace cords that are cracked or damaged, have broken plugs, or have loose connections.
6.
INSTALL SMOKE ALARMS: Install smoke alarms on every level
of your home, inside bedrooms, and outside sleeping areas. Interconnect smoke alarms throughout the home. When one sounds, they all sound. 7.
HAVE A HOME FIRE ESCAPE PLAN: Make a home fire escape
plan and practice it at least twice a year. 8.
Keep candles at least 1 foot from anything that can burn. Blow out candles when you leave the room or go to sleep.
9.
TEST SMOKE ALARMS: Test smoke alarms at least once a month and replace batteries once a year or when the alarm “chirps” to tell you the battery is low. Replace any smoke alarm that is more than 10 years old.
BE CAREFUL WHEN USING CANDLES:
10. INSTALL SPRINKLERS: If you are building or remodeling your home, install home fire sprinklers. If moving into an apartment or condominium building, make sure common areas and individual apartments are sprinklered. Sprinklers can contain and may even extinguish a fire in less time than it would take the fire department to arrive. Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
A will is a dead giveaway.
28
April 2015
IWONA PIEROGIES
HOUSEKEEPERS NEEDED! Merry Maids is a growing business and needs hard working, trustworthy, and dedicated friendly staff. Completive wages offered. Apply at #426-604 Columbia St, New West
BE PART OF PIFFLE’S NEW BUSINESS DIRECTORY!
DINE IN – TAKE OUT CATERING
604 524 4144
806 20 STREET, NEW WEST IWONAPIEROGIES.CA
Yo like a
Pro!
e “Mr Tub Yoyo Thrower ” on You
PAYLESS
COIN LAUNDRY SERVICES Laundry drop-off services
Dry clean depot Regular hem alterations only $5 Money transfer & pinless dialing phone card for long distance
Lessons,
802 20 St, New West
Birthday Parties, Yoyo Performances!
778-789-1117 mryoyothrower@gmail.com
www.mryoyothrower.com
Tel: 778-397-0896 Open 7 days a week 9:30 AM – 7:00 PM
Freedomfire Full Gospel
43 6th St,
New Westminster
64 8th St New Westminster Email: freedomfireband@telus.net revival@telus.net Office: 604-558-5824 Cell: 604-877-0662
604.562.4637 laramoving.ca
Get your message out to the community all year round for as little as
25
$
/mo
Contact John Ashdown
604-657-5600 johnashdown@piffle.ca
FREE SCRAP CAR
REMOVAL FILTHY PHIL & HIS DUMMER BROTHER
AUTO HAULING SURREY, BC
Call
604-603-9004
Mount Calvary Lutheran Church 701 - 6th St, New Westminster Divine Service & Sunday School: 11:00 am Sundays
Rev. James K. Kim
Tel: 604-521-2007
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
International Ministries ❖ International Ministries ❖ Youth and Children’s Sunday School ❖ School of Leaders / G12 Vision / Encounter God Retreats ❖ Weekly Home Cell Meetings
• Honest & Reliable • Careful & Efficient • Fully Equip 3 or 5 Ton Truck • Reasonable Rates
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
604.525.4566
301-12th St, New West
Knox Presbyterian Church
403 E Columbia St, New West
604.524.6712
The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster
604-377-5889 Regular Sunday Service at 11am To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or604-377-5889 email sales@piffle.ca today! renbooks@telus.net renaissancebookstore.com
30
April 2015 COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1. Describe your problem:
Honestly driven.
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the
604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
problem: 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__
C. Minor__
B. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__
C. Hung__
B. Frozen__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? No__
The only official bilingual province in Canada is New Brunswick.
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
LEGION NO.2 631 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER
NEW BAND TIME!
STARTING AT 5:30PM
FRI IS FREE SNACK NIGHT! SAT IS PIZZA NIGHT $1/SLICE SAT IS PIZZA NIGHT $1/SLICE
RAY O’TOOLE: FRI & SAT, APR 24 & 25
KARAOKE WITH CAL DONNELLY THURS & FRI AT 6:30PM (except for the April 24)
MEAT BINGO THURS AT 6PM • SAT FROM 6:45PM MEAT BINGO THURS AT 6PM • SAT FROM 6:45PM
Royal Canadian Legion No.2, 604-522-4522
MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME! To advertise, call 604-525-9027 or email sales@piffle.ca today!
April 2015
31
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself? 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? 17. If “nothing” explain why you were logged in. 18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? 20. Tell me about your childhood. 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
Sylvia Jordi, LPN, BBA
Foot Care Nurse House Calls Care Homes Hospitals
604 341 4378 Email: Info@FootCareHomeCall.com Website: FootCareHomeCall.com When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
DOLLAR STORE
Toy & Party Store Convenience Store Movie Store 2000 DVDs / Blu-Rays $2.99+
SPECIAL GREETING CARDS, BALLOONS & DVDS
2 FOR 1
limit 5 each
420 E COLUMBIA ST, NEW WEST 1 Block North of R.C. HOSPITAL Across from FRESH SLICE PIZZA
604 544 5688
MUST, MUST SEE THIS UNIQUE STORE!
50% OFF ON HUNDREDS OF ITEMS!
WE BUY & SELL USED DVDs, XBOX & PS GAMES
SPECIAL OFFER VALID DURING 2015.
our small prices will leave you with a…
HAPPY EASTER!
Lunch Specials EVERYDAY (both Chinese and W estern dishes)
441 East Columbia Street New Westminster, BC
604-521-1871
10% OFF for pick-up orders over $15.00
FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
reach thousands of local customers. Call 604-525-9027 to advertise today! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
www.piffle.ca
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays