Piffle Magazine 2015-08 by Sargent's Piffle

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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

August 2015 Issue #179

DANCING WITH THE STARR “ Dance for Fun” group coming soon to Sapperton PHOTO: GROUP DIRECTOR BRIAN STARR & DANCER LAURA

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Peter Julian, MP

Happy Pride!

Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

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CARRIER COAST GITXSAN HAIDA KWIKWETLEM MUSQUEAM NISGA OKANAGAN QAYQAYT SALISH SEMIAHMOO TKATZIE TSAWWASSEN TSIMSHIAN

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STRUCK DOWN? Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, “Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea.” Ronan stuttered, “But I love tea.” The doctor replied, “Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.” LONG AND SHORT OF THE PROBLEM Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor’s waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor,

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Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room. After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. “That must be a miracle doctor in there.” he exclaimed. “What treatment did he give you? What’s his secret?” Adam stared at Paul and said, “Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analyzed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.”

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DISCOUNT 426-604 Columbia St, New Westminster Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth ﬂoor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: chrissargent@piﬄe.ca

John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi

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Imperial Pharmacy Community Page �� 7 MLA’s Report By Judy Darcy �� 11 Piffle Quiz �� 11 A-Maze-In ��12 City of New Westminster Shows its Pride ��12 Passion Parties Celebrates Diversity �� 15 Sargent’s Math Madness ��17 Sargent’s Number Blocks ��17 Math Madness July Solution �� 18 Pictography by Ross Hood July Solution �� 18 Arts Council Exhibits Pride �� 19 Ask an Expert: Dynamic Health and Fitness �� 20 Feature Story: Dancing with the Starr �� 22 Poet’s Corner with Janet Kvammen �� 23 Horoscopes by Liza �� 24 Sargent’s City Scene �� 25 New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services �� 27 Number Blocks July Solution �� 29 Ottawa Report By Peter Julian MP �� 29 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 34 Irving House Turns 150 �� 36 Piffle Quiz Answer �� 40

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Crystal & Reiki Healing with

Grace

Healing Mind Body & Soul 778-995-0999 | crystalreikihealingwithgrace.com August 2015

CHILDHOOD PERCEPTION Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from Wicor Nursery School complaining, “Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” Sarah, her mother replied kindly. “You’ll feel better when you have something in it.” She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately. Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long. Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, “That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!” AGEING Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. CALL THE AGENCY, MATE What British government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

OH DEER I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” STUDY COMPUTER SCIENCE BECAUSE… The geek shall inherit the earth.

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RAPPERS Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or ’lil.

Ken McIntosh Rod Drown

MUSICAL PRINTER I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE YOU ARE FROM B.C. IF… • You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. • You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. • You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant. • You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal. • You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain. • You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton’s. • You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon. • You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos and Nanaimo. • You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. • You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. • You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies and TV shows. • You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time. • You measure distance in hours. • You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) and Raining Again (Fall).

Researchers

604.619.8455 Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.

#360-729 6th St, New Westminster, BC V3L 3C5

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THE FRATERNAL ORDER OF EAGLES #20 NEW WESTMINSTER LADIES AUXILIARY Having fun… people helping people. Is are looking for new members who are interested in having fun… raising funds… for charities such as Monarch Place, The Greater Vancouver Food Bank, Union Gospel Mission, Camp Goodtimes (child cancer camp), Camp Kakhemala, (child diabetic camp), Senior Services society and more. Dinners, dances, events, picnics, and more. They would love to hear from you! Meetings are the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. Contact: Marge Ashdown 604-838-2675.

N.W.S.S. 1970 GRADS GATHER The 1970 graduating class of New Westminster Secondar y School is holding their 45th reunion on August 7th at the Rivers Reach Pub, 320 6th Street, New Westminster starting at 2:00 p.m. Come join in the fun, reconnect with old friends, maybe make some new ones! Friends of grads are welcome to attend. It will be a casual gathering with lot of time to share memories. Bring along your school jacket or club sweater, a 1970 annual, a stubby Lucky Larger or whatever memorabilia you have to show your classmates.

KIDSWORLD AT ANVIL CENTRE (5–15 YEARS) August 12, 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m., Anvil Centre Anvil Centre is proud to partner with KidsWorld for one day in August. Families with a KidsWorld membership can explore the cultural spaces of Anvil Centre and engage in fun hands-on activities in the New Westminster Museum & Archives, New Media Gallery, and cultural studios. Call 604-527-4640 or museum@ newwestcity.ca for more details.

SAILING ON THE FRASER (5–8 YEARS)

August 15, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., Westminster Pier Park (Anvil Centre with inclement weather) Make a model ship to take home, check out some old-time toys and hear about Captain Irving’s travels. In association with the Museum’s temporary exhibit, Our Working Waterfront, explore the wonders of wind and learn how pioneers used it for transportation, fun, and even fashion. Call 604-527-4640 or museum@newwestcity.ca to register or for more details.

9TH ANNUAL QUAYSIDE BOARDWALK FESTIVAL & SALE

August 22, 10:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m., Quayside Boardwalk Join the 9 th annual Quayside Boardwalk festival & sale.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PIONEER (5–8 YEARS) July 22, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., Irving House Travel back in time to experience a day in the life of a child in pioneer times. Learn about lighting and toys before electricity and batteries by creating your own dipped candles and a wooden toy to take home! Try children’s daily tasks like churning butter or scrubbing laundry using real antiques and make some lemonade to drink with a snack. Call 604-527-4640 or museum@ newwestcity.ca to register or for more details.

CENTURY HOUSE NEW WEST CULTURAL CRAWL ARTS IN ACTION Saturday, August 8, 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Enjoy Summer Tea ($4.00) Sunday, August 9, 12:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. Join in on the celebration of Arts in Action and New West Culture Crawl. Join Century House artists, crafters, quilters, painters, garden gals and New West Artists in a celebration of talent and creativity over a weekend of fun. Wander around outside Century House to enjoy a variety of art installations, music and the lovely gardens that enhance your visit to Century House. Refreshments available. For more information call 604-519-1066.

COLUMBIA StrEAT FOOD TRUCK FEST

August 22, 4:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. With over 70 food trucks and 2 extra blocks of fantastic food, extended pub patios, and live entertainment, you don’t want to miss some of the best food trucks in the region including Vij’s Railway Express, Tacofi no, Culver City Salads, Mom’s Grilled Cheese, Disco Cheetah and Aussie Pie Guy in addition to Downtown New West’s own amazing eateries. In between sips and bites, enjoy live music and entertainment presented by The Arts Council of New Westminster throughout Columbia Street. Over 20 vendors from the Royal City Farmer’s Market will also be set up, featuring locally grown and produced foods. Check out the full food truck listing, get the latest updates, and join the hype by visiting our website and Facebook event page. Don’t forget to invite your friends and family to #GetTruckedUp this August!

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.

8 THE SCARECROW As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans. THE IRISH LAD An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children. ”My son was born on St. George’s Day,” remarked the Englishman, “So we obviously decided to call him George.” “That’s a real coincidence,” observed the Frenchman, “My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.” “That’s really incredible,” drawled the Irishman, “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.” OLDER THAN DIRT QUIZ Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about: • Your age ratings is at the bottom • Candy cigarettes • Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes • Home milk delivery in glass bottles • Party lines on the telephone

• Newsreels before the movie • TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]). • Peashooters • 45 RPM records • Wash tub wringers • Hi-fi’s • Metal ice trays with lever • Blue flashbulb • Cork popguns • Ford Zephyrs If you remembered 0 – 3 = You’re still young If you remembered 4 – 6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7 – 10 = Don’t tell your age If you remembered 11 – 14 = You’re older than dirt! PIRATE A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

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can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.

• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor

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GRAND OPENING September 2nd • 6:45pm - 11:00pm Dance For Fun @ the Swing & Country Club Big Brand New Dance Hall (3,500 sq. ft.) In The Sapperton Pensioners Hall 318 Keary St, New Westminster

Change your life… discover dancing! BIG BEAUTIFUL DANCE FLOOR EXPERIENCE PERFECT SOUND DANCE MUSIC TO DIE FOR AMAZING INSTRUCTORS: DAVE & CLAUDIA

Learn West Coast Swing Sept 2, 9, 16 and 30 Learn Night Club Two Oct 7, 14, 21

Program Lessons with Dave & Claudia 6:45pm - 8:00pm Dance and Snack Bar 8:00pm - 11:00pm Lesson + Dance + Snacks $12 Join the club. Members pay $5 Dance Only (no lesson) $5 Everyone Welcome

Learn Slow Waltz (Int. and American Mix) Nov 4, 11* and 18 Learn West Coast Swing Dec 2, 9, 16* and 30* *Live Band $16

Byron 778-709-8880 byronstarr@telus.net

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

10 THIS IS NO JOKE One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out a way to get him out. Finally he decided it was probably impossible and the animal was old and the well was dry anyway, so it just wasn’t worth it to try and retrieve the donkey. So the farmer asked his neighbours to come over and help him cover up the well. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down and let out some happy brays. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, to everyone’s amazement, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Through applying wisdom every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone. The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off and taking a step up. THE BRITISH AT SCHOOL One day, Mrs. Arnold, a teacher at Green Barn Infant School, Norwich, England, was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. Firstly she held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, “Sammy, what is this animal?”

“Helping you… is what I do.” Marjorie A. Ashdown

Sammy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, “I’m sorry Mrs. Arnold, I don’t know.” Mrs. Arnold was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Sammy, “Well, Sammy, what does your Mummy call your Daddy?” Sammy’s face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look spread slowly, and he asked, “Mrs. Arnold, is that really a pig?” BAD THESAURUS I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible. YOU MIGHT BE FROM ESSEX, ENGLAND, IF YOU SPEAK LIKE THIS We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the translation which we have supplied. alma chizzit — A request to find the cost of an item: how much is it? amant — Quantity; sum total (‘Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend’): amount assband — Unable to leave the house because of illness or disability: housebound awss — A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost (“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t’day.”): horse branna — More brown than on a previous occasion (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?”): browner cort a panda — A rather large hamburger: quarter pounder Dan in the maff — Unhappy (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff.”): down in the mouth eye-eels — Women’s shoes: heels

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604.838.2675 August 2015

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11 Furrock — The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre: Thurrock garrij — A building where a car is kept or repaired (“Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper.”): garage Ibeefa — Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza lafarjik — Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik.”): lethargic OI OI! — Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello paipa — The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper reband — The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig.”): rebound Saffend — Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV’s, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday: Southend tan — The city of London, the big smoke: town webbats — Querying the location something or someone is. (“Webbats is me dole card Trace? I’ve gotta sign on in arf hour.”): whereabouts wonnid — Desired, needed or Wanted by the police: wanted zaggerate — To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. (“I told ya a fazzand times already.”): exaggerate SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE THERE’S SIGNS I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there. IT’S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.” PTERODACTYL Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A: Because the “P” is silent! YEE-HAA Q: Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? A: He wanted to get a long little doggie.

MLA’S REPORT By Judy Darcy New Westminster is an amazing city that is known for its strong sense of community — and that includes having a whole host of great festivals and gatherings. This summer we’ve certainly lived up to our reputation! I have thoroughly enjoyed taking part in many community events, like the 9th annual Nagar Kirtan in Queensborough, our first ever Multicultural Festival at Pier Park, the Royal City Farmers Market, and New Westminster’s wonderful Canada Day celebration. What I love most about my job is the opportunity to talk to people — and to assist them in helping to solve problems they are facing. That’s what my Constituency Office at 737 Sixth Street is there to do. So please pop into my office, send me an email or stop at my table at an upcoming community event! As MLA, I have spoken out repeatedly in the Legislature about issues near and dear to our community — like the urgent need for a new high school, solutions to traffic congestion, and an end to hallway medicine as Royal Columbian Hospital. In my role as the Official Opposition spokesperson on Health, I’ve also been pressing hard for action to address issues affecting our community and people across BC — like lack of access to family doctors, unacceptable wait times for surgeries and cancer care, and better care for our seniors. Across the pond in Victoria this July, we had a rare summer session at the BC Legislature to deal with a government bill on Liquefied Natural Gas (LNG), a bill which I believe is a bad deal for BC when it comes to jobs, environmental protection, and a fair return to British Columbians for this resource. I am honoured to serve the people of New Westminster. I look forward to seeing you soon!

What are the two most multicultural cities in Canada? a) Toronto and Montreal b) Victoria and Toronto

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

c) Vancouver and Toronto d) Vancouver and Montreal

12 CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER SHOWS ITS PRIDE

PIFFLE’S

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC! The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sarah-Kate Salmon, Administrative Coordinator Church Line

604-521-0363 Cell

604-644-5271 The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster

August 2015

The City of New Westminster is proud to show its support for New West Pride Week and the LGBTQ community through a variety of initiatives taking place throughout the city, starting with the installation of a permanent rainbow crosswalk in the downtown business district at Church and Columbia Street. On Monday, August 10th at noon, the City of New Westminster will raise the rainbow flag and issue a Pride proclamation in Friendship Gardens next to City Hall. All members of the public are welcome to attend. In addition to the freshly-painted rainbow crosswalk, rainbow lights will shine at Anvil Centre (Eighth and Columbia Streets) during Pride Week. The City has also provided both cash funding and in-kind services support for the New West Pride Street Party taking place on Columbia Street from 3:00 p.m. to 8 p.m. on Saturday, August 15th. “The City of New Westminster embraces and celebrates diversity in our community,” said Mayor Jonathan Coté. “Our citizens understand that together we are stronger and these initiatives are a visible and tangible way to show our support for the LGBTQ community.” Pride celebrations in New Westminster are held every summer to celebrate and promote inclusivity, acceptance and respect among persons of all sexual orientations and gender identities in New Westminster and surrounding communities. The New West Pride Festival takes place August 8th to August 15th. CAT KNOWLEDGE • The dinner table might not be the best place to start grooming my rear. • Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself. • Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at. • If I’m trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me (and I’m all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I shouldn’t let my tail hang down. • I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

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up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed. If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not

• •

• • •

the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I can fall faster than you can run. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years — feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats’ back end. I cannot stress this enough. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

QUIET PLEASE Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

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Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Saturday, August 8 NEW WEST PRIDE ‘KICK OFF’ PARTY �� 3–5:30PM Join the Vancouver Whitecaps Pre-game party at The Hub, New West SkyTrain Station, New Westminster from and then SkyTrain to The Vancouver Whitecaps Pride Night Game! Get your tickets to the game for $30 with our special link! Use promo code PRIDENEWWEST.

BLACKOUT SATURDAY �� LATE Steam1, 430 Columbia St. Men only.

Sunday, August 9 COMMUNITY BRUNCH �� 9–3PM Coming Home Café, 753 6th St. Everyone welcome!

BOARD GAMING WITH PRIDE! �� 12PM Board Game Warriors, 708 Clarkson St. Everyone welcome, free.

PRIDE PATIO PARTY �� 12–6PM

We carry the LARGEST selection of items for all your Pride Celebrations! 811 Carnarvon St New Westminster

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The Terminal Pub, 115 12th St. DJ, Drink Specials and Summer Games. Everyone welcome!

LIGHTHOUSE PRIDE SERVICE �� 4–6PM Lighthouse of Hope Christian Fellowship, 726 12th St.

CALL AND RESPONSE �� 7PM An Intergen(d)eration spoken word performance by Quirk-e and Youth For A Change at the River Market, 810 Quayside Dr. Admission by donation.

SUNDAY NIGHT DRAG SHOW WITH MIZ ADRIEN! 7:30PM The Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia St. Reservations encouraged, 604.759.0819 Tickets $10. Everyone welcome!

Monday, August 10 TIE-DYED FOR PRIDE WITH THE DOUGLAS COLLEGE PRIDE GROUP �� 11AM Douglas College Student Union Building, 88 7th St, New West. Bring your own shirt!

CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER RAINBOW FLAG RAISING AND PRIDE PROCLAMATION! �� 12PM City Hall, 511 Royal Ave. Free, everyone welcome to attend!

“Congratulations on the amazing success of New Westminster Pride.”

CHUCK

PUCHMAYR Councillor

August 2015

Tuesday, August 11 THE LOVE LOCK �� 5PM–DUSK Bring Your Own Picnic Community Dinner at Pier Park, New West. Featuring the A Capella talent of Quayside Voices at 7PM! Love Locks for sale by donation for New West Pride Society. Games, dress up and music encouraged! Everyone welcome!

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The New West Pride Festival August 8–15 BC FURRIES SUSHI TUESDAYS �� 6:30PM 26A 4th St. Meet up for Furries and Furry enthusiasts.

Wednesday, August 12 50 + HOEDOWN WITH THE SENIORS GAY STRAIGHT ALLIANCE �� 1–3PM Century House Community Centre, 620 8th St. Free, everyone welcome!

TAP THAT CASK WITH STEEL & OAK �� 4–9PM Steel & Oak Brewery, 1319 3rd Ave. www.steelandoak.ca

PASSION PARTIES CELEBRATES DIVERSITY For the first time in Pride history, Passion Parties will be a sponsoring vendor. Holly, owner of Passion by Holly, celebrates and embraces diversity because Passion has no boundaries, neither does her product. Founded in 1994, Passion Parties Inc. is the premier company in Canada and the U.S selling sensual products through the party plan business model. The company and its Consultants have been featured by the The Doctors, Glamour, O:Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, New York Times, NBC Today, Good Morning America, ABC Primetime, E! Entertainment Television, Men’s Health and many more. Holly’s goal is to bring Passion to Life. Helping couples find new ways to spice up their relationships, she is very proud of what she has accomplished. Sadly, passion sometimes takes a back seat to the daily pressures of work and family life. Does that mean that you are any less in love? Absolutely not, but your intimate life can fall into a routine. Anyone can benefit from Passion Parties’ products. Love potions, sensual accessories and adult toys open lines of communication and add an exciting new dimension of pleasure and fun. Simply talking about sex and trying something new often leads to a renewed passion that is both fulfilling and re-energizes your sex life. Join Passion by Holly at the Davie Street Block Party, July 31, 6pm-midnight and again at the New West Festival on August 15. Stop by her booth to learn more and take a look inside her newest LGBTQ product brochure.

Celebrate Pride in New Westminster, BC, with a week of events and a full scale Street Party on Saturday, Aug 15th, 2015 with performances on the Starlight Stage and the HIM Stage! This free event features Bif Naked, 4 beer gardens, food trucks, vendors and a children’s area! Many of the events listed happen regularly in our city and we are PROUD to feature them for Pride Week 2015! To book your own in-home Passion Party, or to learn more about the company and its product, please visit www.passionbyholly.com. Take advantage of a 20% discount with promo code Pride20off. For more information, contact Holly at 778-709-9917 or email info@passionbyholly.com.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Thursday, August 13 PRIDE PIE BAKING CONTEST WITH THE ROYAL CITY FARMERS MARKET �� 5:30PM Tipperary Park, New Westminster. Register your pie at www.rcfm.ca.

RAINBOW NIGHT KARAOKE �� 7PM Fireside Grill, 421 E. Columbia St. Come out and join the fun!

Friday, August 14 PRIDE ARTS CELEBRATION �� 6–8PM Montague Studio Gallery Centennial Lodge in Queen’s Park. Everyone welcome!

DOUBLE DOWN DANCE PARTY

Starlight Casino, 350 Gifford St, 9 pm Tickets: $10 www.starlightcasino.ca.

DARCY MICHAELS AT LAFFLINES COMEDY CLUB �� 9PM Lafflines Comedy Club, 530 Columbia St. Tickets: www.lafflines.com.

Saturday, August 15 NEW WEST PRIDE STREET PARTY �� 3–8PM

Express

how unique you are.

Featuring live performances hosted by Miz Adrien on the Starlight Stage and David C. Jones on the HIM stage. Free event with four beer gardens, food trucks and a children’s area! Sponsored by the City of New Westminster on historic Columbia St, New Westminster.

QUEER AS FUNK �� 8:30PM The Columbia Theatre, 530 Columbia St. Tickets $25 www.thecolumbia.ca.

DARCY MICHAELS AT LAFFLINES COMEDY CLUB �� 9PM Lafflines Comedy Club, 530 Columbia St. Tickets: www.lafflines.com.

PRIDE NIGHT AFTER-PARTY �� 8PM The Met, 411 Columbia St. Everyone welcome!

PRIDE NIGHT AFTER-PARTY �� 8PM The Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia St. Back Room.

HIM STAGE HOSTED BY DAVID C. JONES

406-A East Columbia St, New Westminster, BC 604-897-0045 • royalcitytattoo@hotmail.com

www.royalcitytattoo.com August 2015

The Rainbow Band Amanda Luv, Current Reigning Empress 11 of Surrey & the Burbs Curtis Newart Daren Wait Collective Kate Reid

STARLIGHT CASINO STAGE HOSTED BY MIZ ADRIEN Iskwé I Am Mandrake Los Furios Bif Naked

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17 IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? An old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup. The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there. “Is there something wrong,” the waiter asks. “I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies. “Is it too hot,” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.” The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine. “Too hot? Too cold?” “No, no, no.” Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?” Says the old man, “A-ha!” ARE BUGS GOOD TO EAT A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting — don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.” YOGI BERRA FUNNY BASEBALL SAYINGS Yogi Berra it has to be said developed a style of homespun humor all of his own. It’s also worth remembering that Yogi was a baseball legend with New York Yankees back in the 1950s. And he still holds the record for winning the most World Series. Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical. Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time? It’s like déjà vu all over again. It ain’t over ‘til it’s over. Never answer an anonymous letter. THE MISSIONARY A cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him, “What’s the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?” The missionary said, “To tell you the truth, I’m a friar.”

MATH MADNESS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!

Failure is not an option. It’s bundled with your software.

18 THE BELL WRINGER Q: How did Quasimodo know the end was near? A: He had a hunch. HE GOT A PRIZE Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? A: The No-bell Prize.

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Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

Solution to July 2015 | PUZ ZLE #21

PICTOGRAPH

BY ROSS HOOD

DUMB CRIMINALS • Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.” • In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. • In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters. • Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. REST IN PEACE A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location!’” CLOSE TO YOU “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” ~ Victor Borge SERVICE CHARGE? Policeman: I’m afraid that I’m going to have to lock you up for the night. Man: What’s the charge officer? Policeman: Oh, there’s no charge. It’s all part of the service.

August 2015

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Royal

City

CHIROPR ACTIC Dr. P.G. Campbell D.C.

Breakthrough by Adam Menzies.

ARTS COUNCIL EXHIBITS PRIDE The Arts Council of New Westminster in partnership with New West Pride is presenting a group exhibition of LGBQT artists in the Montague Art Gallery at Centennial Lodge in Queen’s Park. Artists Shelley Stefan, Linnea Strom, Cliff Blank, Judy Villett, Belle Ancell and Adam Menzies will be showcasing pieces of their works. Photographers Adam Menzies and Belle Ancell bring two unique portraiture collections to the Gallery. Adam’s portraits capture circus performers and dancers in motion, playing with light, movement and the physical form. Belle’s project ‘Unveiled’ is a series of ten portraits of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (a 21st Century order of Queer Nuns) ‘in face’ and also without their makeup, or in ‘Boy Drag’. All six artists exhibitions are sure to inspire and provoke conversation. The exhibition runs from July 21 to August 16 from 1: 0 0 p.m . to 5:00 p.m. Tuesday to Sunday (gallery closed on Mondays). I’m A Rainbow Too by Cliff Blank.

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DANCING WITH THE STARR By Melanie Dixon

Pictured: Byron Starr, Anita Stocker.

PHOTOS BY MELANIE DIXON

yron Starr’s neighbour wasn’t impressed with his dance style. “She told my Mum I was having a spastic attack and better get out there. I was twelve years old. That was my first dance. “She didn’t hear the music. She saw me flopping up and down in the grass,” Starr said, laughing. Since then, Byron has taught dance, competed, and run a dance floor rental business. Most recently he’s been planning the opening of “The Swing & Country Club” at Sapperton Pensioner’s Hall on September 2nd. Starr explained how he chose the Hall for his Wednesday night dance club. “I started doing Lindy Hop at the Pensioners Hall on Fridays. My son organizes them,” he said. “But west August 2015

coast swing, it’s totally different. West coast swing is smooth, and a lot of older people do west coast swing because it doesn’t wear them out. I think the baby boomers can’t exercise like they used to do. They quit boating and they start looking for other things to do. “Ten years ago dancing came on the scene and the boomers just filled the dances up. The boomers can handle this kind of exercise.” Starr is wistful about more people being interested in dance. He’s focused on the beginner rather than the experienced dancer. A new beginner to the club is Anita Stocker. She said, “It’s a very warm environment.” Learning west coast swing doesn’t require any fancy dress shoes, or clothes. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

23 “West coast swing wears casual street wear,” Byron explains. “The showcase division is dress up. When you go to a showcase dance these people have choreographed it and have dressed up. But that’s the only difference that happens. The rest is called improvising as you go, every move is different. You don’t do the same move twice in west coast swing, you always adjust it. It comes out a little different each time.” There are even equal opportunities to learn in dance. “It’s the only dance where you can have the man lead, then the woman can steal the lead for a while, then back to the man to lead for a while. It’s that kind of dance. There’s a lot of interpretation in west coast swing.” Another great aspect to west coast swing is that it can be done to almost any type of music. “In west coast swing you can do it to at least 80% of the music that’s out there. Jazz, any blues, any hip hop, most of the jive, country. One of the Seattle conferences we used to go to had a science fiction convention a block away, and we used to go over and dance at their place. That music was very good for us to dance to,” Starr recalls. Starr explains that west coast swing attracts a variety of ages. “20% of them are in their 20s, 20% of them are over 65 and the bulk of them are in between there. I’m probably one of the oldest ones there.” Starr has plans for the future of his dance club, though it doesn’t involve more than three Wednesdays per month. “I’m semi-retired now. I’m doing this as a service back to the community. This is not for profit. My goal is to introduce 5000 people to the dance world over the next five years.” Starr explains why his west coast swing dance club is so special. It starts with the acoustics of the Sapperton Pensioners Hall. “The sound system is the best in Vancouver. This sound is better than most night clubs.” Experienced dancers can handle low quality sound — they can dance to anything. However beginners need the crystal clear sound that’s provided. Starr emphasizes that beginners are attracted to great sound, and it will draw them back. “This sounds fanatical but beginners come into the room and they can feel the beat if it’s not fuzzy. If they can feel the beat, they start getting the dance and they come back again. That’s why we’re really cont on p24

Hope to see you at Poetry in the Park, Wednesday evenings, 6 to 8 p.m., Queen’s Park Bandshell, July 1 – Aug 26. Everyone welcome!

new west & her summer © Dominic DiCarlo the golding sun of august sits softly on New Westminster conjugating the royal city’s adorning chordal harmony into a cultural landscape as intrinsic collages of festive moods embody the sleek whispering hustle of her urban energies navigating into dialectics of inter-spatial enactments the verve of her tender shoreline the execution of her slopes the algorithmic spurts of identity the leisures of her coded diversions escape into the thrumming of summer as she weaves the cycles of her soul under bluish sailing skies like the wanderings of a fl uttering butterfl y turning into a celebration of the jangling swirls of a summer’s pulsing slipstream… a summer dance a treasured city a sun of gold the quilting of pixels… this… is the aura of New West under a summer’s moorings.

Dominic DiCarlo was born and raised in Montreal where he received advanced degrees (M.A. & Ph.D.) from Concordia University. He moved to the west coast in 1995. His first collection of poems — The Cycles of An Inflamed Mysticism (Friesen Press) — appeared in 2014.

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

DIRECTOR, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems for this column by emailing Janet: janetkvammen@rclas.com

Save the whales: collect the whole set.

Call Liza for a personalized reading today!

778-898-2146

HOROSCOPES by LIZA

AUG 2015

ARIES: This is a good time to spruce up your home a nd be gin those home re novations. Employers will be pleased with the work you do. A good time to ask for that raise. TAURUS: You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your every day life. You are more sensitive to beauty within your everyday surroundings. G E M I N I : G o into planning mode and not action mode. Bide your time. Conversations may grow in size and be superficial. Take heed before you speak. CANCER: Your looking fabulous this month and others are taking notice. Expressing yourself to others comes with great ease during this time. LEO: Loved ones may call upon you for help during this time. Serve in the true service of selfless devotion and don't expect payback. VIRGO: Group activities take up all your time this month. Any group setting will only benefi t you during this time. Your loved one may not understand this. LIBRA: Favorable circumstances take take place within your place of work. A love relationship may take place with someone older. Be careful with your motives. SCORPIO: You will be attracted to new people and new experiences during this time. A good time for any pleasure trip that involves new ideas and philosophies. SAGITTARIUS: All relationships will play out with greater intensity during this time. If you require a loan or money from other resources; it will come easy to you now. CAPRICORN: Love will seek you out this month if your not currently in a relationship. If your in confl ict with someone now it is a good time to make peace and reconcile. AQUARIUS: All matters pertaining to your work and daily life come with ease during this time. Deal with the real world and not the fantasies in your mind. PISCES : It’s all about having a good time during this month. Friends and lovers want your attention. There is no need to pretend what you are not.

August 2015

fussy about the sound. The 10 to 12 new people every week, if they get bad sound, they’re not coming back.” Starr also mentions that having regular gatherings is important. “It’s consistent. We’re settling into three Wednesdays a month. These people get a chance to come out. It’s like a social club, they get some enjoyment out of it. They make new friends.” The dance club is supported by two experienced dancers, Dave and Claudia. “They’re two top rising stars in our dance world right now. They are climbing like crazy. They both have about 30 years of experience. They know how to teach classes well. When people leave the hall, they got it.” Something that no other dance class allows is that beginners are allowed to photograph and video dance classes. “This is something you don’t see anywhere else. We allow them to photo with their phones,” explains Starr. Other special aspects of the dance club include special events, a yearly reunion, DJ sets, and live music. Starr says the future success of the club is focussed on dance beginners. “We want people to have a good experience at dance. I’m not catering to the dancer, I’m catering to the beginners having a fun experience. It’s economical, it’s fun. It’s focussed on beginners.” The Swing & Country Club’s grand opening is on September 2nd, at the Sapperton Pensioners Hall. Drop in rates are $12, or $5 per event with membership, and includes snacks. Email byronstarr@telus.net. cont from p23

Like most residents to New West, Mel moved in and never left. She assists businesses with website content, blogs, articles, and more. ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

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SARGENT’S CITY SCENE FORTH STREET PEDESTRIAN OVERPASS The Fourth Street Pedestrian Overpass will provide a fully accessible connection to Westminster Pier Park from New Westminster’s Downtown. It will provide safe direct access into the park from the top deck of the Downtown Parkade at Fourth Street to the promenade at the Lytton Square concession area. The overpass will also have an elevator and stairs for easy access to the park along with an elevated viewing area. During this time, there will be intermittent road closures along Front Street, between East Columbia Street and Columbia Street, to westbound traffic. Westbound traffic will be rerouted temporarily to Columbia Street during these periods. Local access will be maintained throughout the construction period and affected properties will receive advance notification before road closures take place.

POETRY IN THE PARK Wednesday evenings 6:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. through August 26, Queen’s Park Bandshell This summer Royal City Literary Arts Society presents PIP 2015! Everyone is welcome to attend this free family friendly event featuring poetry readings and OPEN MIC sign up. In the event of rain, we will relocate to the Arts Council Gallery near the bandshell. Seating is available but bring a chair/ blanket to get closer to the stage. Be sure to bring a friend and maybe even a poem to read! More information on for upcoming events and workshops, visit www.rclas.com or email secretary@rclas.com.

WRITING WORKSHOP: REAL GENIUS IS IN THE REWRITE Facilitator: Sylvia Taylor Tuesday August 18, 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave, New Westminster Editing is like pruning — too much and your wonderful inspiration withers on the branch; too little and it’s a tangle of thoughts; just right, and it bears cont on p27

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I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

26 SUNNY SATURDAY MORNINGS

Discover, explore, and satisfy your curiosity at the Curious Flea. This isn’t your grandmother’s flea market. Retro chic, mid centry modern, 50’s kitsch, up-cycled treasures, steampunk finds, and everything in between grace our curious halls. An appraiser is available onsite to help you figure out what fabulously curious treasures you may have! Now organized by Bits and Keys. This season’s flea promises to be even bigger and better! There’s always something to discover at the Curious Flea!

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August 2015

When I was about eight years old I went on a garage sale hunt with my Father. It was a rare Saturday where my little sister was off with my Mom and it was just Daddy and I in the old white VW van. I was sitting in the front seat. It was one of those perfect early June days in Vancouver when the air is still a little chilly, but the sun is shining and the air smells like wet grass. I remember holding my Dad’s hand and peaking over the edge of the table as he bargained and talked with the people selling. My Dad is so great with people, a silly pun and a jovial smile and they were bestest buddies instantly. I can’t remember now if we were searching for something specific, I know we bought a toaster and I remember a standing lamp with a slightly nicotine stained paper shade coming home with us; but mostly I remember this amazing cribbage board. It was a hexagon shape, made of a couple different kinds of wood sliced like pizza wedges, peg holes spiralling closer to the centre in two rows. I was just learning about playing cards, counting to fifteens and different trump suits. Even at that tender age I knew that I liked the patterns that numbers made. I was being uncharacteristically shy, but clinging to it. It had a little drawer built into the side to hold a deck of cards and the light coloured wood looked like rippled water. Daddy noticed my attachment, and we had a talk about if I wanted it as my purchase for the day; did I want it more than the Archie comics we would probably find later? In a typical manor for an eight year old I solemnly nodded; my head filled with nothing but this treasure. Daddy handled the negotiations for me, and we took it home. It’s been 25 years since that Saturday and I still have that crib board. It is the only one I have ever owned and it sits proudly amongst my other board games, brought out on Tuesday evenings when friends are over, and road trips across the province; it went to Cuba with me once. The pegs are gone, replaced with coloured tooth picks, the cards in that little drawer have been replaced more times than I can remember; but I will always remember holding my Daddy’s hand at garage sales on Sunny Saturday mornings. TWO MUFFINS TALKIN’ There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

27 a basket of publications. Come with a draft piece and learn what to snip away, what to nurture, and how to harvest. Presented by the Royal City Literary Arts Society in partnership with the New Westminster Library. Register at 604-527-4667 or listener@nwpl.ca. cont from p25

FACES AND PLACES July 27 – September 25 Community Art Space, Anvil Centre, 3rd Floor 777 Columbia St, New Westminster Members of New West Artists present the character — and characters — of New Westminster. The Faces and Places of our Royal City is a wonderful collection of images featuring the Fraser River, heritage sites, and also includes many treasured members of our community. Seventeen New West Artists will be featured: Richard Armstrong, Mollie Chau, Brenda Fairfax, Susan L. Greig, Margaret Halsey, Robert Jost, Janet Kvammen, Cecile (Ceci) Lam, Lisa Lawrence, Teresa Morton, Dale Nicol, Eileen Pick, Virginia Railton, Julia Schoennagel, Christine Tokevich, Gillian Wright and Elena Zhukova.

SAPPERTON PENSIONERS HALL AUGUST ACTIVITIES Saturday the 8th: The ThunderBowl board gamers will have with their regular game day. Saturday the 29th and Sunday the 30th: ThunderBowl international Spike Tournament with people coming in from England, Germany, US & possibly Australian & New Zealand. ThunderBowl is in its 16th year. Saturday the 15th: A Tri-Nations Dance (Namibia, Zambia and South Africa) will be opening their event up to the public. Sunday the 23rd: The 32 member Langendorfer Mandolin Orchestra from Langendorf, Germany will be on the stage at 2:00 p.m. to begin their BC Tour. Tickets only $10.00. Contact Ms. Nadia Anderson 604-525-1516 for tickets or purchase at the door. Wednesday the 26th: posAbilities has their monthly Coffee Club from 11:30 a.m. to 1:15 p.m. They listen to music, dance and have up to 32 wheelchairs coming in from various posAbilities homes in the Lower Mainland. Fridays: There are dances Friday nights with Royal City Swing from 7:30 p.m. to midnight. On the second Friday night they have Blues Night with dancing until 12:45 a.m. cont on p28

UPGRADED FIRE DANGER RATING

Due to the continued hot and dry weather conditions, the Fire Danger Rating for the City of New Westminster and most of the province has been upgraded from high to extreme. Since the beginning of May, New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services staff have responded to 70 small brush/bark mulch fires in the City. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services staff are conducting further inspections and practice scenarios in the following high-risk areas in the City: Queen’s Park, Glenbrook Ravine and Hume Park. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services staff would like to remind citizens of New Westminster that smoking is prohibited in City Parks, natural lands and ravine. Furthermore, citizens are reminded New Westminster’s Fire Protection Bylaw prohibits outdoor burning within the City. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services Staff request your help, if you see anyone throw down or drop any lighted match, cigar, cigarette or other burning substance or smoking material into combustible material you are asked to call 911. BYLAW SNIPPET YOU SHOULD KNOW…

FIRE PROTECTION BYLAW NO. 6940, 2004

25. OUTDOOR BURNING AND CAMP FIRES 25.1 No person shall at any time start, light, ignite or burn, or knowingly permit or cause to be started, lighted, ignited or burn any fire of any kind whatsoever in the open air or in any portable incinerator or other portable appliance or device whatsoever in the open air, except where such fire is contained within a portable appliance or device and is used solely for the cooking and preparation of food and is fueled by propane, natural gas or charcoal. ORDER TO REMEDY CONDITIONS 18. No person shall discard, throw down or drop any lighted match, cigar, cigarette or other burning substance or smoking material into combustible material or in close proximity thereto.

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

28 SIP AND PAINT NIGHT FOR INCLUSION ART SHOW

AUTO WASH STARTING AT

August 2015

IWONA PIEROGIES

Here’s your chance to unleash your inner Picasso while supp or ti n g a great cause — posAbilities 11th annual INCLUDINE IN – TAKE OUT SION Art Show! CATERING W hile you’re 604 524 4144 sipping on some 806 20 STREET, NEW WEST refreshments, IWONAPIEROGIES.CA a professional instructor from 100 Braid St Studios will guide you through a painting theme which you will then turn into your own unique masterpiece. Tickets are $50.00 each and we provide everything you’ll need: refreshments, appies, canvas, art supplies and professional instruction. Absolutely no painting experience is required — just bring your friends and creativity! Wednesday, August 19 at 100 Braid St Studios, 100 Braid St, New Westminster 5:45 p.m. Doors open for reception and silent auction 6:30 p.m. Guided painting session 8:30 p.m. Take home your masterpiece Space is limited, so please contact Justine to purchase tickets by August 14: 604-299-4001, ext. 235 or communications@posabilities.ca. Hosted by posAbilities and PotteryWorks. All proceeds will go towards the INCLUSION Art Show — www.inclusionartshow.com.

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29 POLICE UNIFORM? Sonya asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?” “No, I am an undercover detective.” “So why are you in a policeman’s uniform,” demands Sonya. “Today is my day off.” NIGHT TRAINS A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!” The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?” EDUCATION VS TRAINING A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

OTTAWA REPORT: BILL C-51 THREATENS CANADIANS’ RIGHTS AND LIBERTIES By Peter Julian MP Bill C-51 was adopted in the House of Commons this spring with support from both Conservative and Liberal MPs. The Bill is justified by its proponents as a piece of legislation that helps to increase the security of Canadians - but nothing could be further from the truth. When Bill C-51 was first introduced there was some support for the Bill, however as Canadians became more aware of what the Bill actually represented and how it would affect them personally, support for the Bill dropped substantially. As the debate continued in Parliament, more concerns were voiced. Former Prime Ministers and Supreme Court justices raised fears about the loss of civil liberties. The 50,000 strong lawyers at the Canadian Bar Association weighed in on the debate stating their apprehension about the substantial limit of Canadian’s rights and liberties which is ingrained in the law. Over the course of the weeks of debate, support for this legislation collapsed, as Canadians realized that the Harper government was simply going too far. In addition, critics of this bad legislation also pointed to the fact that existing tools to protect public safety were not being utilized. The Harper government severely slashed the number of front-line officers for Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) making their jobs more dangerous and our borders more vulnerable. The government has also clawed back millions of dollars from the RCMP, hampering the ability of the police to protect the public. Cutbacks in food inspection resources have generated an unusually high amount of recalls, jeopardizing our health and well-being. All Canadians remember as well the horrific tragedy in Lac Mégantic, brought about by gutting Canada’s safety standards for railways, something that I predicted would be a dangerous risk when I was on the Transport committee of the House of Commons. Mr. Harper’s tendency to put his own partisan interests above that of Canadians is well known. Nowhere is this more evident than when he chose to shut down debate and force Bill C-51 through the House of Commons. Canadians will be able to judge him on this and many other undemocratic decisions with their vote on the upcoming election on October 19th.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

30 FILLER UP A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!” The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!” The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!” I HATE TUNAFISH Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I’m jumping.” The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing. The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, “Ah, ham and cheese.” The next two open their lunches and say, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I’m going to jump.” The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that’s it. I’m jumping.” So he goes to the edge and jumps off. The other two look on not believing what just happened. After a while the first guy says, “Gee, that’s sad. He actually jumped.” The second guy says, “Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own lunch.” NOT FEELING WELL A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. What’s the matter,” he asks. “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. He says,”What the hell is anal glaucoma?” She replies,”I can’t see my ass coming into work today.” August 2015

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32 DEAR FOLKS I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late. Reply A few days later Marvin received a letter from his father. It said, “Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!”

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A HORSE IS A HORSE OF COURSE A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.” The horse says, “Me neither!” SNIFF, SNIFF Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells. WALK A MILE Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes. ALEX & WINNIE Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: Same middle name. ABOUT TO BECOME A FATHER A guy phones the local hospital and yells, “You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labour!” The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” He replies, “No! This is her husband!” FRENCH SANDLES Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? A: Philippe Philoppe. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

33 SENIOR MOMENT There was a bit of confusion at department store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to the manager about excessive security running, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my debit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Heineken and it’s half the price.” Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was “Cleanup on aisle 18, we have a husband down.”

CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 18 Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks June. “They’re on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks Eddie.

GROOMING Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb.

SNAP, CHACKLE, POP Q: What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies.

AT THE DOCTOR Q: Why did the umbrella go to the doctor? A: It was feeling under the weather. DON’T WORRY Worrying is stupid. It’s like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.

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MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME! The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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ISAIAH

Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans. Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems. Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere? A: A refrigerator. Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? A: The Space bar! Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A: Because you dribble on the ﬂoor! Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: Drop him a line!

Q: Why can’t a leopard hide? A: Because he’s always spotted! Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A: A sour puss! Q: Why do birds ﬂy south for the winter? A: It’s easier than walking! Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey! Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop!

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? A: Jellyfish!

Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?

August 2015

A: It doesn’t know the words!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call Fire & Rescue to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

35 into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. GOD’S WATCHING Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray… ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

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IMPAIRED DRIVER’S TRIAL Q: Constable, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? CHANCES OF SHOWERS Two guy from the DL went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. “Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.” “It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.” “Then why did you bring it?” “I didn’t think it would rain!” CATS & CHICKS Q: What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A: A peeping tom. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

36 IRVING HOUSE TURNS 150 This year marks Irving House’s 150th birthday and everyone is invited to join the family-friendly festivities on Saturday, August 8 and Sunday, August 9 from 11:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. Built in 1865 by riverboat captain William Irving, Irving House is one of the oldest community heritage sites in BC and is the oldest intact home in the Lower Mainland. Three generations of the Irving and Briggs family lived in the house until it was acquired by the City of New Westminster in 1950. The celebration will feature old-fashioned lawn games, family-friendly crafts, live music, a historic costume photo booth, and of course, a birthday cake on August 8th, the day the Irvings moved into the house 150 years ago. Irving House’s 150th Birthday is a special project for two of the Museum’s longest-serving interpreters. “Irving House is the jewel in the crown of the Royal City. The 150th birthday is more than just a party, it’s a celebration of history — the history of a great city” explains Tracy Golling, who has introduced visitors to the house and family for the past 24 years. Two new tours focusing on social engagements and conservation efforts will be unveiled during the day,

one of which is written by Lorraine Irving, museum interpreter for 23 years. “The family was well-known and prominent in New Westminster — they appear in the paper a lot and you can find a lot about them. I’ve done so much research over the years and I always want to know about the people who lived in the house. Every event took place in the house — people lived, died, and got married” Irving said. In preparation for the anniversary, the Museum planted a heritage kitchen garden earlier this year to acknowledge that the Irvings, like many New Westminster residents of the time, grew some of their own vegetables. Tended by Kindergarten and Grade 1 students from Qayqayt Elementary School and Museum staff, part of this garden will be freshly harvested and available for the public to sample during the day. If you can’t make it to the birthday celebrations, public visitors can tour the house 5 days a week with professional interpretive guides to learn about the family’s history, view a collection of period furniture and a number of original artefacts from the Irving Family. Private tours, school programs, and public programs are also available to book. Irving House is located at 302 Royal Avenue, New Westminster. The House is open Wednesdays to Sundays, 12:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. Admission is by donation. For more information, call 604527-4640 or go to www.newwestpcr.ca/culture/ museum_and_archives.php.

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Irving House

150 Birthday Celebration 302 Royal Avenue, New Westminster

Saturday, August 8, 2015 12:00 - 5:00 pm

Come celebrate with us! Irving House is one of the oldest community heritage sites in BC and oﬀers guests the opportunity to revisit the splendour and grace of the early pioneer days. and general history · Old-fashioned lawn games · · Historic costume photo booth · Sweet treats · Fresh-picked vegetables from the garden · e-mail museum@newwestcity.ca

38 HOUSEKEEPERS NEEDED!

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39 DOCTORS’ OPINIONS • A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital. This was what they said: • The Allergists voted to scratch it. • The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. • The Psychiatrists thought it was madness. • The Radiologists could see right through it. • The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it. • The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. • The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception. • The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. • The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” • The Paediatricians said, “Grow up!” • The Plastic Surgeon said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.” • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward. • The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water. • The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. • The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas. • The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. THINGS TO SAY THAT WILL MAKE YOU SEEM SMART TO SOME PEOPLE • I started out with nothing… I still have most of it. • Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant. • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. • Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded. • If all is not lost, where is it? • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Dan Murphy

OWNER / PERSONAL TRAINER m. 604-349-8042 e. danmurphyfitness@gmail.com w. www.danmurphyfitness.ca 2020 Haro Street Vancouver, BC V 6G 1J3

• If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. • It was all so different before everything changed. • Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be. • I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun. • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom. • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). • It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere. • Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. • Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

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