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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE
September 2015 Issue #180
P22 SOCIAL ACTIVIST BETTY GRIFFIN REFLECTS ON HER LONG LIFE P15 IT’S THE LACROSSE HALL OF FAME FOR ED GOSS
P8 HARMONY COURT ESTATE OPEN HOUSE HOST ELVIS TRIBUTE AND MUCH MORE!
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2 Serving the Community of New Westminster HAPPY LABOUR DAY! Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.
Judy Darcy, MLA
judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101
Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6
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I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too.” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
CALL
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!” THE BEST WAY “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” ~ Ann Bancroft ACCOUNTANTS You might be an accountant if you deduct Exlax as “moving expenses”.
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Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
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Sargent’s Word Search �����������������������������������������������������������������2 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page ������������������������������������������7 MLA’s Report By Judy Darcy ����������������������������������������������������� 11 Piffle Quiz ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 11 Number Blocks August Solution ����������������������������������������������� 12 Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame Announces 2015 Inductees ������������������������������������������������������� 14 Sargent’s Math Madness ���������������������������������������������������������� 17 Sargent’s Number Blocks ���������������������������������������������������������� 17 A-Maze-In ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 18 Ask an Expert: Dynamic Health and Fitness ���������������������������� 20 Feature Story: “Rebel Girl” Betty Griffin Hates Injustice �������� 22 Poet’s Corner with Janet Kvammen ������������������������������������������ 23 Horoscopes by Liza �������������������������������������������������������������������� 24 New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services ��������������������������� 27 Enjoy Local Art in The Gallery at Queen’s Park ������������������������ 29 Math Madness August Solution ������������������������������������������������ 30 Remembering Anita Hagen ������������������������������������������������������� 30 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah ������������������������������������������������������������� 34 Piffle Quiz Answer ���������������������������������������������������������������������� 35 Piffle Business Directory ����������������������������������������������������������� 38 Remembering Bruce Elphinstone ��������������������������������������������� 39
SALES • SERVICE • REPAIRS EASTRIDGE COMPUTERS
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Crystal & Reiki Healing with
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Healing Mind Body & Soul 778-995-0999 | crystalreikihealingwithgrace.com September 2015
SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES 1. Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 2. Bethany could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 3. Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels. 4. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. PIERCED EARS “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.” ~ Rita Rudner HOLIDAYS ARE OVER The summer holiday was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
5 “Wait a minute,” mother said. “I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.” JUDGEMENT DAY “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” ~ George Burns NEW TEACHER? “I think we need a new teacher,” said Mia. “Why is that,” asks Mia’s Mom. “Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers.” SCHOOL LEARNING Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?” He replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.” Mum says, “How did you find school today?” “I simply hopped off the bus — and there it was.” EDUCATION & LEARNING “Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.” ~ BF Skinner
PLANNING A REUNION? THE WAFFLE MAY BE THE VENUE YOUR LOOKING FOR!
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Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers
604.619.8455 Do you remember Lorraine Cunningham, a 1959 Lester Pearson Grad? If so contact us.
#360-729 6th St, New Westminster, BC V3L 3C5
NOTICE IN AN OFFICE After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board SIGN SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor HURTS EVERYWHERE The retired man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.” The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.” The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.” “Oh yeah? What is it,” asks the retiree. The Doctor remarks, “You’ve broken your finger!”
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“I’m not frowning, I’m just smiling upside down.” ~ Anonymous
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Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
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COUNCIL OF WOMEN MEET The New Westminster Council of Women has served the Community for 117 years. They lobby government on issues affecting women and families — health, environment, education and seniors. There next meeting will be at The New Westminster Public Library on September 23, 1:00 p.m. Contact: Florence Erwin erwinf@shaw.ca.
LET’S GET ROLLING September 12, 3:00 p.m. New Westminster Lawn Bowling Club, 710 Eighth St. For $40 you receive instruction, bowling, BBQ, and door prizes as well as a $25 tax receipt! Get your tickets at Queen’s Park Care Centre Quintessential Gift Shop 315 McBride Blvd. or at the door. No experience necessary. Sign up as an individual or a team. Contact Margaret 604-528-3882.
GRANDPARENTS DAY STROLL September 13, 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m. Saturday September 13 is Grandparents Day. Come celebrate at the River Market, 810 Quayside Dr. The provincial non-profi t Parent Support Services Society of BC is holding our First Annual Grandparents Day Stroll. Join us at this fun, lively, family event to celebrate all grandparents and to raise funds to support the work we do with grandparent-led families and our parenting programs across BC. There will be music, family activities, and a screening of our acclaimed documentary, “Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Telling Our Stories”. Visit www.grgstroll.ca or call 604-669-1616 for more information and to register.
MUSHTARI BEGUM FESTIVAL OF INDIAN CLASSICAL MUSIC AND DANCE September 26, 2015, Massey Theatre, 735 Eighth Ave Headliners: Cassius Khan, Ghazal/Tabla Amika Kushwaha, Kathak Dance. Also featuring: Kaushik Sivamaramkrishnan ( Carnatic Violin) with Abhishek Iyer on a Mridangam, Sharanjeet Singh Mand on Sitar, Davinder Namdhari on Dilruba, Kirti Arneja on vocal.
WALKING TOUR OF WORLD WAR II NEW WESTMINSTER
September 12, 10:00 - 11:30 a.m. — Free, all ages Meet at Galbraith House on Eighth St. & Queens Ave. Discover the history of New Westminster through the lens of this important world event. Starting at Galbraith House on Eighth Street and Queens Avenue, the tour will touch on important sites and monuments to explore the rich history of Eighth St, Hyack Square and Columbia St. Registration required. Barcode #145323. For more information or to register call 604-527-4640 or email museum@newwestcity.ca.
FAMILY FUN DAY
September 12, 1:30-3:30 p.m. — Free for all ages Join the fun on the second Saturday of the month for a cultural celebration. At the New Westminster Museum in the Anvil Centre, fi nd out how the many cultures of New Westminster celebrate holidays throughout the year.
ELVIS TRIBUTE ARTIST COMING TO HARMONY COURT ESTATE
September 12 at 2:30 p.m. Harmony Court Estate All-Inclusive Retirement Living, 7197 Canada Way, Burnaby Retro Multiple Award winning Elvis Tribute Artist and Performer Eli Williams and his all star Memphis sound. A multimedia performance, not to be missed! Light refreshments and door prizes. We hope to see you there! www.agecare. ca/HarmonyBC. SPACE IS LIMITED! RSVP by September 8. Call 604-527-3323 or visit www.agecare.ca.
NEW WESTMINSTER GRAD 1969 DROPIN GET TOGETHER 46TH YEAR
Saturday, September 26th, 2015, 2 p.m. The River’s Reach Pub Date moved from October due to Old Birds Flying South. Casual, no cover charge.
Contact: www.mushtaribegumfestival.webs.com or call Cassius Khan 604-375-6515.
MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM
“All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.” ~ Anonymous
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Harmony Court Estate, Burnaby BC
HOUSE Retro OPEN & TOURS Live Music by
Elvis Tribute Artist
Multiple Award winning Elvis Tribute Artist and Performer Eli Williams and his all star Memphis sound. A multimedia performance, not to be missed! Light refreshments and door prizes. We hope to see you there!
Sept 12TH at 2:30PM SPACE IS LIMITED! RSVP BY SEPT 8TH
Call 604-527-3323 www.agecare.ca/Retro
HARMONY COURT ESTATE
Harmony Court Estate All-Inclusive Retirement Living 7197 Canada Way, Burnaby BC www.agecare.ca/HarmonyBC
We can’t wait to host your next event.
Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall
can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.
• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor
• Downstairs has 3,500 sq. ft., linoleum floor, kitchen facilities
• Parking for 30 cars, close to Sapperton SkyTrain Station
• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit
S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL
318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today September 2015
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Front Street Parkade Rehabilitation & Deconstruction Update As part of the City of New Westminster’s vision to improve access to the waterfront, a portion of the Front Street Parkade will be removed and the remaining section rehabilitated. The project will begin with the rehabilitation of the eastern section of the parkade between Fourth and Sixth Streets. Work will include repairs to the concrete to extend the structure’s lifespan for an additional 30 years. The western section of the parkade between Sixth and Begbie Streets will then be removed. The project seeks to reconnect our community with the Fraser River through improved access to the waterfront, esplanade and Westminster Pier Park, and deliver enhancements to the area to create an overall improved pedestrian experience. For more information visit www.newwestcity.ca/waterfrontvision
Item
Target Completion Date
Stairway Repairs
Fall 2015
Relocation of Parkade Office
October 2015
Concrete Deck Surface Repairs (B & C Decks)
November 2015
Guardrails and Screen Walls
November 2015
Concrete Deck Surface Repairs (A Deck)
December 2015
Plumbing Work
December 2015
Electrical Work
December 2015
Demolition of West Parkade Structure
February 2016
Concrete Deck Surface Repairs (A Deck)
February 2016
Demolition of Pile Caps
February 2016
Front Street Closures
November 2015 - Spring 2016
(includes utility work & realignment of Front Street by separate contract)
Project Cost:
$7.5 million
Completion:
Spring 2016
“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?” ~ Steven Alexander Wright
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BUDGET BUILDING MAINTENANCE • Office Cleaning • Apartment Cleaning & Caretaker Services • Residential & Commercial Cleaning • Bonded & Insured • Free Estimates
MY PARTY “When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.” ~ Emo Philips NEW RECRUIT A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator’s office. ‘What is the meaning of this?’ the personnel officer asked. ‘When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You’ve ever held.’ ‘True’, the young man answered with a smile, ‘in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.’ SOCRATES ON MARRIAGE “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” ~ Socrates
For complete janitorial services call Ram Bali, Manager 604-603-4464
Labour day is a celebration of the successes and a recognition of the struggles of working people, who are truly the builders of our community.
CHUCK
PUCHMAYR New Westminster City Councillor
FORGIVENESS “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” ~ Milton Berle COMEDIAN COMEBACKS TO HECKLERS Comedy is my job. you’re interrupting; do you want me to come round your work tomorrow and hide your broom? Isn’t it a school night? Don’t clap on your own; someone will throw you a fish. REASON OF LEAVING LAST JOB Joe said he quit his job at the local Helium-Gas production factory. He just couldn’t go on working there anymore — being spoken to in that tone of voice! SINCERITY “Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” ~ George Burns
Royal City Shopping Centre 610 6th Street, New Westminster 778-229-BAKE(2252) www.RussianSpoon.com
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Russian Cuisine at the Food Court
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CLUB MEMBERSHIP “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.” ~ Groucho Marx IT’S THE DELIVERY Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
11 where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other — they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…” JACK BENNY Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says “Your money or your life!” An extremely long silence follows. “Your money or your life!” the thug repeats. Finally Benny says “I’m thinking!” WHAT’S THAT SMELL Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, “Do you smell carrots?” ANY TIME I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright) THREE QUESTIONS A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?” ETHICS A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?” ~ Henny Youngman A DANGERFIELD CLASIC I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
MLA’S REPORT
By Judy Darcy It’s been an amazing summer in New Westminster with nearly nonstop events! My office was once again on the New Westminster Cultural Crawl, opening our doors to the community, featuring the work of local artist Frank Bennett, photographer Jane Player (and some of my own photos) — and serving up refreshing lavender tea. It was an honour to take part in the biggest Pride festival New Westminster has seen to date — with an estimated 25,000 in attendance. In August, I took my Community Office out into the community, setting up at the River Market and the New Westminster Farmers’ Market. It was a great opportunity to chat with folks in a less formal setting — and to sample some goodies from local vendors. Even though it’s summertime, our office is always busy. Every day, we receive emails, phone calls, and drop-in visits from people in the community who need assistance navigating provincial government systems — MSP, provincial disability, Fair Pharmacare, you name it. My constituency office staff and I are here to help the residents of New Westminster! Next February’s BC budget may seem a long way off, but the Select Standing Committee on Finance is seeking input now for next year’s budget. What do you think should be the priorities in the 2016 BC provincial budget? Public education? Protecting the environment? A focus on healthcare? You can participate by attending a meeting, writing a letter, or making a video. For information on how to register or submit feedback, please contact my office. The Legislature will be called back to Victoria in late September and I’d love to hear from you about what issues matter most to you. Drop me a line at judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca, call my office at 604-775-2101, or — better yet — drop by! We’re located at 737 Sixth Street in Uptown.
Whose face is on the Canadian hundred-dollar bill?
a) Wilfred Laurier b) John A. MacDonald c) W illiam Lyon Mackenzie King d) Robert Borden
“There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.” ~ Winston Churchill
HYSTERICAL HISTORY:
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September 2015
COST AN ARM AND A LEG In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are ‘limbs,’ therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint. Hence the expression, ‘Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’ CHAIR MAN In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The ‘head of the household’ always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the ‘chair man.’ Today in business, we use the expression or title ‘Chairman’ or ‘Chairman of the Board.’ GO SIP Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to ‘go sip some ale’ and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched
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at different times. ‘You go sip here’ and ‘You go sip there.’ The two words ‘go sip’ were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term ‘gossip.’ MIND YOUR P’S AND Q’S At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in ‘pints’ and who was drinking in ‘quarts’. Hence the term ‘minding your P’s and Q’s.’ BRASS MONKEY In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon… There was only one problem…
Joanie Von Schribar • 604 299-9181 how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a ‘Monkey’ with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make ‘Brass Monkeys.’ Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.’ All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you! ONE-LINERS • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.” • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. “Best Before End” • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
“I am too lazy to be lazy.” ~ Anonymous
CANADIAN LACROSSE HALL OF FAME ANNOUNCES 2015 INDUCTEES Ten new members and one team have been named for induction into the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame for 2015. The new inductees include: Veteran Players Ed Goss (New Westminster, BC) and Larry Lloyd (Whitby, Ontario); Box Lacrosse Players Jim Veltman (Stouffville, Ontario), Tom Patrick (Brampton, Ontario), Curt Malawsky (Maple Ridge, BC) and Chris Gill (Pitt Meadows, BC); Field Player Jeff Gombar (Port Coquitlam, BC); Builders Terry Sanderson (Ontario — Deceased),; and the 1981-1983 Peterborough James Gang Lacrosse team in the Team Category. The formal induction banquet and ceremonies will be held Saturday, November 14, 2015 at the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame at the ANVIL Centre in New Westminster, British Columbia. September 2015
Ed Goss was born and raised in the Sapperton area of New Westminster, BC. As a youth he played Hockey, Soccer, and Baseball, but it was Lacrosse that he excelled in. This life-long Salmonbellie played minor lacrosse in New Westminster where his teams were perennial champions. Ed’s Junior A ’Bellies Team were Minto Cup finalists three consecutive years (1966-1968). In 64 regular season Junior A games he scored 141 goals and 133 assists for 274 points, named Rookie of the Year in 1966. Won the Bill Dickinson Trophy as league top scorer and 1st All-Star Team in 1967 and held the record for most goals in one game (11) which was broken some 20 years later by Gary Gait. Ed played three Pro seasons with New Westminster, 19681969 and the Maryland Arrows
in 1975. Winning the World Professional Championship in 1968 and made the Finals in 1969 against Peterborough. Ed went up to Senior Salmonbellies as a underage player in 1969 (20 ). In that first year of Senior he scored 51 goals and 45 assists for 96 points in the regular season and was named to the 1st All-Star Team. Ed won the W.C. Ellison Trophy as the Most Valuable Player of the Western Playoff Finals in 1971 and was on 2 Mann cup winning teams in 1970 and 1972. Goss played Senior A ball for New West over six seasons from 19691977. In 188 Senior A and Pro game’s Ed netted 215 goals and 301 assists for 516 points and 376 PIM’s. Ed was inducted into the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame as a member of the New Westminster Salmonbellies 1968-1972 Team in 2004.
15 THE DOG SPEAKS ENGLISH A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?” SNAIL ON THE PORCH A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?” THE BOY AND THE BARBER A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” TWO DECADES OF BLISS “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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GRANDFATHERS ADVICE My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. ~ Jackie Mason TIME TO QUIT A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” THE GENIE Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.” FUNNY WANT ADS Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. For Sale: exercise bike good as new. Please call Mrs. Stout. Buy: “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Man, honest. Will take anything. Free Puppies: ½ Cocker Spaniel, + ½ sneaky neighbour’s dog.
17 ICE CREAM An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?” “Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.” “Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.” “My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.” He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?” IS IT TRUE? A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.” PLEASE RELEASE ME, LET ME GO One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
MATH MADNESS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!
NUMBER BLOCKS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!
“Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” ~ Anonymous
18 SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50damnboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Carol Wierzibicki will be turning 50 on September 7th and has a different meaning of “Labour Day” (so did her mother). Carol will be celebrating Labour Day by changing “National Labour Day” to “National Carol Day.”
PIFFLE’S
HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?
A SEAMSTRESS POINT OF VIEW An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide. The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says “You call that a lining?” MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. “I just let out a silent toot. What do you think I should do?” He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” ROSE KNOWS YOUR WOES An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. “The food and service were great!” he said. His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?” “Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?” “You mean a rose?” asked his friend. “That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?” LOTS OF THEM An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on
September 2015
| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
19 the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway.” “It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!” SHOTGUN An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” “I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?” YIKES An elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shop and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”
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“If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.” ~ Anonymous
How many calories do I need to burn to lose weight?
1. Reduce daily calorie in-
So how do you burn that 500 calories per day? Let’s use ‘Bob’ as an example. Bob wants to get fit and trim. He’s tracked his food intake for a couple of weeks to figure out his average daily caloric intake (DCI) which is 2,500 calories per day. If Bob wants to achieve a calorie deficit of 3,500 calories per week, he can choose from three options:
A.
A pound of body fat equates to approximately 3,500 calories. If you burn 500 calories more than you eat each day, you will achieve a calorie deficit of 3,500 calories (or one pound of fat) over the period of a week.
Q.
Luke Ramnath
3. Combined approach of diet and exercise — to achieve a daily calorie deficit of 500 calories, Bob can reduce his DCI by
2. Exercise — Generally speaking, it takes about one hour of moderate to high intensity exercise to burn 500 calories. Bob could jump on the elliptical, jog, walk the dog at a very brisk pace and/or work out using resistance training for an hour a day.
DCI by 500 calories through simple steps like reducing his portion sizes — especially on servings of processed foods or foods containing saturated fats — and by skipping desserts like a 320-calorie slice of chocolate fudge cake! Health Canada’s food guide is a great resource for planning balanced, satisfying meals.
5 lbs of fat vs 5 lbs of muscle.
In his quest to become fit and trim, Bob’s goal should not be to lose weight — rather, he should focus on losing body fat.
another 250 calories by adding 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise to his daily routine.
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take — Bob can reduce his
“ REBEL GIRL” BETTY GRIFFIN HATES INJUSTICE A 92-year-old’s life as an activist
PHOTO BY LORI PAPPAJOHN
By Lori Pappajohn
You could say Betty Griffin has been a social activist for 84 years. That’s because she started at the age of eight when she and some friends marched into a bank and told the surprised male employee that his son was a bully and he better stop him. That was the start of a career that could fill pages — and in fact does. On the table before Betty is a scrapbook chock full of newspaper articles about one battle after another that Betty has fought. Betty is the type of person you want on your side. She does her research, and she fights tooth and nail. “I hate injustice,” says the 92-year-old Burnaby resident who has fought for workers’ rights most of her life. At the age of 19 Betty was shop steward, and fighting for a 10-minute rest period — an unheard of thing. It was World War Two and women, who were making airplane parts, were expected to work, not rest. But a September 2015
tenacious Betty won. Not long after, Betty and her girlfriend hitchhiked across Canada to a Labour Youth Federation National Conference. They were, to put it mildly, fearless. “Something burned inside me,” said Betty of the urge to make a difference. And make a difference she has — not only with her years of union work, but with the writing of the book Their Own History: Women’s Contribution to the Labour Movement of British Columbia (written in 2002). While much has been documented about the limited workers’ rights for men in the early days of BC, little had been published about the women. Betty says it best in her book’s preface: “…the history that is missing is that of the women of Nanaimo who fought beside their coal mining husbands against the militia, the women of Corbin whose | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
23 legs were cut and shattered by the strike-breaking Provincial Police directing a bulldozer through the workers’ picket line, the women who starved during the depression years trying to keep their children fed, and the women who organized against the twelve-hour, six-day week…” The book lists the many mine explosions and accidents of the 1800s when regulations were minimal at best. In one explosion 148 miners died. “When men went to work, their wives never knew if they’d come back that night. The company only paid for the funeral — nothing else. There was no compensation to the widows and children.” Prior to 1917, a child belonged exclusively to their father. Writes Betty in her book: the father “could even will away from (his pregnant wife) a child unborn at the time of his death.” The book relates the stories of many BC women and their battles that led to life being that much easier for us today. And while Betty wrote the book on women’s contribution to labour, someone could write a book on Betty and her contributions. A Burnaby teacher for 26 years, Betty was on the BC Teachers Federation Burnaby local negotiating committee for 14 years and president two years. Many of the things taken for granted today, she fought for, such as maternity leave, salary equity, health insurance, fully indexed pensions and amalgamating locals making them more powerful. Turning a page in her scrapbook Betty says that one of her greatest accomplishments was tackling the property assessment of the Hooker Chemical and winning. Because of Betty, Hooker’s property was reassessed $1 million more. Not without a sense of humor, Betty recalls the day she saw a Social Credit MLA driving on the ferry in front of her. When he left his car she had her kids put a bumper sticker on his car opposing the very bill he was responsible for. “He drove all the way to Victoria with that on his bumper,” she laughs. Betty has done a lot in her life — starting at the age of 8. As we celebrate Labour Day, we can be thankful that people as tenacious as her have gone before us and cared enough to fight battle after battle. Their hard work is our reward. And we could ask ourselves — what are we doing to help those coming after us? May we be vigilant for our rights — they are precious, hard fought and can be taken away.
Poetry In The Park © Candice James, Poet Laureate The warm summer breeze Whispers and weaves through the trees In the palm of small talk And the crowd gathered in the park. The band-shell is empty, hollow Save the microphone, mic stand, cords and amp Waiting for the poets to bring them alive With their voices holographic. The energies from past performers Still live and breathe, falling in shadows Across the stage, concrete, trees and grass. As the first poet approaches the stage With passion, rage and page in hand A hush envelops the crowd. Words tumble from his lips Into the hungry ears of the audience; A sounding board for his drama. Actions spill from his heart Into their wrapt eyes; A mirror for his emotions. The cavalcade of poets and words, Actions and emotions, Ooohs, and aaahs, Applause and cheers Echoes in the ambience of the park. The warm summer breeze cools As the fingers of twilight Tighten their grip on the fading sun. The crowd disperses. The microphone, mic stand, cords and amp Are packed off the stage unceremoniously. The band-shell slips into the dark of night. The stage reverberates in hollowed-out silence And the park falls asleep. Candice James is a poet, writer, visual artist, musician, singersongwriter in her 2nd three year term as Poet Laureate of New Westminster and RCLAS Director at Large; she is Past President of both Royal City Literary Arts Society and Federation BC Writers; founder of RCL AS; founder of Poetry In The Park and co-founder of Poetic Justice. Candice is a full member of League Canadian Poets and Writers Union of Canada. She is author of 9 poetr y books; the 1st book was “A Split In The Water” (Fiddlehead Poetry Books 1979); the latest is “Merging Dimensions” (Ekstasis Editions 2015). Further info at www.candicejames.com.
POET’S CORNER with
JANET KVAMMEN
DIRECTOR, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY
Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems for this column by emailing Janet: janetkvammen@rclas.com
“Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.” ~ Anonymous
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HOROSCOPES by LIZA SEPT 2015 ARIES: If you are looking for love/romance, this month you just may find it. It’s a great month for fun and entertainment. Your creative side comes out to play. TAURUS: Quiet time at home will do you a world of good during this time. Relations with parents goes well. Redecorating the home will do you a world of good. GEMINI: Communications of all types really picks up speed. Your eloquent in with your speech. You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your daily life. CANCER: Keep those credit cards at home. Your urge to spend will be great during this time. However, any financial negotiations will go extremely well. LEO: Your looking fabulous during this time and others are noticing. Expressing yourself will come with the greatest of ease. Compromise will work to your benefit. VIRGO: You may be called upon to take care of a loved one during this time. However, do not fall into the negative trap of being a martyr. You have much love to give. LIBRA: Friends and group associations will take up most of your time during this month. Start dreaming of what you want for the future; these dreams will manifest very soon. SCORPIO: Authority figures will see you in a good light during this time. Hand out those resumes if need be. A love relationship with someone older may manifest. SAGITTARIUS: Check your passport and make sure all documents are in order as travel may come up. A good time to start writing that book you have been thinking about. CAPRICORN: Money may come to you through family or business associates. Your sexual nature is turned up a notch so go after the one you want. AQUARIUS: Partnerships of the business and personal nature will thrive during this time. You will understand the needs of your partner and give them what they need. PISCES: A great time for self expression and pouring energy into your creative side. Relations with children and friends go ever so smoothly.
September 2015
RETIREMENT The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. SOUNDS LIKE FUN A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” UNDER THE B How do you get an old lady to swear? Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo! HE’S GETTING DEAF An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.” She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?” Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!” THE VOLUNTEER A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
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HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!” TOAST? A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember. Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything. “Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked. “Sure,” he replied. “Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked. “No, I can remember that,” he said. “I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said. “No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated. “I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said. “For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated. Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
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FREE DELIVERY everyday starting at 4:30pm (within a 5km distance & a minimum order of $18.00)
OPEN 6 DAYS A WEEK 11:00am – 10:00pm Closed Tuesdays cont on p28
DON’T BE LEFT IN THE DARK — EMERGENCY LIGHTING
Emergency Lighting is to provide light in the event of an emergency. We take lighting for granted and when lights are not there due to power failure or an emergency event, exiting a business or building can be terrifying and dangerous in total darkness. Emergency lighting will provide the light required when making a safe exit, however, it must be tested and inspected annually by a certified technician to ensure proper operation. BYLAW SNIPPET YOU SHOULD KNOW…
FIRE PROTECTION BYLAW (6940 – 14.1)
A Fire Protection Officer is hereby authorized to issue orders in writing to an owner or occupier of any building or premises requiring the correction or removal of any condition or thing in or about any building or structure which is in contravention of this bylaw, and the owner or occupier shall be responsible for the carrying out of every requirement of every such order. New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6
www.newwestcity.ca
“No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.” ~ Anonymous
28 THE BEST THING A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” BEEP, BEEP There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2:00 p.m. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how? “No problem,” says the man in the corvette, “I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride.” The man says, “OK!” They take off and the driver yells back, “Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast.” No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright. Sure enough, the light
changes and they’re off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police department… “Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street.” “What’s so weird about that?” asks the other cops. The first cop says, “There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!” GONE FOR A WALK You must keep in shape. My grandmother started walking five kilometers when she was 60 and now she’s 97, and we don’t have a clue where she is! BACK IN THE DAY An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.” IN FIFTY YEARS Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. “I would like my grandchildren to say,that he was successful in business,” declared the first man. “Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say,that he was a loyal family man.” Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?” “Me?” the third man replied. “I want them all to say, “He certainly looks good for his age!”
AUTO WASH STARTING AT
$6
September 2015
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29 ENJOY LOCAL ART IN THE GALLERY AT QUEEN’S PARK What do Century House Artists, New West Artists and Bill Edmonds have in common? All are showcasing their work at The Gallery at Queen’s Park, presented by Arts Council of New Westminster. Century House Artists is a group of artists aged 50+, both emerging and accomplished. Their art includes watercolour, acrylic, pencil crayon and drawing. You see their art at The Gallery until September 11. Through connection, education, and promotion, New West Artists, a local non-profit society, inspires, encourages, and celebrates visual artists. Catch their work in The Gallery’s first pop-up exhibition September 12-13. Bill Edmonds’ work has been shown across BC and has been influenced by artists of the St Ives and Newlyn Schools of Southwest Cornwall. His exhibition at The Gallery runs September 15 through October and is inspired by relationships formed with strangers over the internet. The Gallery is open Tuesday-Sunday 1:00-5:00 p.m. Visit www.artscouncilnewwest.org for details.
The Gallery at Queen’s Park at Centennial Lodge
Tues - Sun 1pm - 5pm 604 525 3244
“Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.” ~ Anonymous
30 BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC! The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sarah-Kate Salmon, Administrative Coordinator Church Line
604-521-0363 Cell
604-644-5271 The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE
SO THAT’S WHERE IT IS One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” WHO’S THE BOSS A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked. “I am.” said the man. “I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?” The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.” “No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said. “Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer. ROOOOAASRRRRRRRRR! A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!I soiled myself.” The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.” The old explorer said, “No, not then — just now when I went Roooaarrrrr!”
MEMORIAL FOR ANITA HAGEN A public memorial will take place for New Westminster’s Anita Hagen who passed away from cancer on June 5 this year at the age of 84. The celebration of September 2015
her life will take place at 2:00 p.m. on Saturday, September 19 at Queens Avenue United Church, 529 Queens Ave. A former MLA and school trustee, Anita served as deputy premier, Minister of Advanced
Education, Minister of Multiculturalism and Human Right, and Secretary of the Cabinet. She also served with a variety of organization that advanced the well being of the community and the people within. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
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“I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.” ~ John Mayer
32
OWNER MOVING QUICK POSSESSION POSSIBLE #308 – 210 Eleventh Street New Westminster
NEW PRICE! $227,900
1 Bedroom PLUS Den. New softspring carpets, granite kitchen countertops, custom colours and large covered patio. Close to transportation, shopping, schools and parks.
Call for a private viewing.
604-838-2675 marjorieam@shaw.ca Not intended to solicit properties already listed for sale.
Signs & Printing
High Quality Namebadges to Promote Your Brand and Identity.
We have many styles available and can even produce custom shapes and sizes. A wide variety of colours and materials are available. Durable inks for imprinting your logo. We have a wide range of colour options available Traditional Finish - Metallic Finish. Laser Cut / Engraved Room Numbers/Identification Signs A variety of colours, typestyles and sizes available. Including 3D lettering.
Fire Door and Stairwell Signs
Signage to meet any guidelines and building codes.
Evacuation Plans
Full colour plans on metallic, white or clear backgrounds, with or without protective acrylic sheets.
Door Sliders
A variety of colours, typestyles and holder finishes available
Washroom Signs
SOME GOLF CHUCKLES Golfer one: Are you a scratch player? Golfer two: I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went. Q: How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? A: FORE! Golfer: Hey caddie, would you wade into that pond and see if you can find my ball? Caddie: Why? Golfer: It’s my lucky ball. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more. Two long-time golf buddies were standing on a tee box overlooking a river, getting ready to hit their tee shots. One golfer pointed down the river, turned to the other golfer and said, “Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!” THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER HOLLYWOOD SQUARES These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
A variety of colours and sizes available all conforming to pictogram standards.
Direction Signs
We create custom signs on all kinds of materials; Sintra, Lamicoid, plywood, coroplast.
604 521-1295 Email: info@canengrave.com 601 Queens Avenue New Westminster, BC www.canengrave.com September 2015
SIGN IN A LAUNDROMAT Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
33
LEGION NO.2 MEAT BINGO THURS AT 6PM
FRI IS FREE SNACK NIGHT!
631 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER
SATURDAY SEPT 12, RAY O’TOOLE
JAMES BURTON FRI & SAT SEPT 25 & 26
KARAOKE WITH CAL DONNELLY THURS & FRI AT 6:30PM Except Friday, Sept 25
MEAT DRAWS: FRI 5PM, 6PM & 6:45PM SAT 4:30PM, 5:30PM, 6:30PM Royal Canadian Legion No.2, 604-522-4522
MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME!
gabor gasztonyi Classic Portraits Studio & Gallery
Professional Photographers of Canada Member
PHOTOGRAPHY
778-397-1449
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing
730 – 12th St, New Westminster | www.gaborphotography.com “If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.” ~ Anonymous
34
KID’S CORNER with
ISAIAH
Q: What do you call a crushed angle? A: A rectangle. Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A: Because they dropped out of school! Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a ton! Q: Where do bulls get their messages? A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen not like in their soup? A: Firecrackers! Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut. Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The dock. Q: What do you call leftover aliens? A: Extra Terrestrials. Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping? A: They CHARGE!
Q: Did you hear about the injured vegetable? A: Some say he got beet.
Q: What runs but can’t walk? A: The faucet!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal.
Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A: A water bed!
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane? A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: You can roast beef, but you can’t pea soup! September 2015
Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh? A: Because they have their own scales.
IT’S A GOOD LIFE Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. READ THE BIBLE “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.” GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You’re it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners. HEAR, HEAR A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.” WHERE THERE’S A WILL An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0
35 doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!” READ THE BIBLE “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.” PORTRAIT An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.” 50 YEARS A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!” CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, “DON’T TOUCH THOSE — they’re for the funeral!”
OIL TANK REMOVAL
• Serving the Lower Mainland since 2003 • A+ Rating with the Better Business Bureau of Mainland BC • Fair prices, references, fully insured • Free written estimates
Call Steve at 604-724-3670 stormworks@stormworks.ca
www.stormworks.ca
Honestly driven. 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
d) Robert Borden is on the hundred-dollar bill.
“Insanity does not run in my family; it strolls through, takes it’s time, and gets to know everyone personally.” ~ Anonymous
36 JUNGLE TALK Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength… None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all… hawk, lion and stinker O-PUN THE WINDOW… THESE ONES STINK! Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tell’s bowled. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking.” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.” A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. Back in the 1800s, Tate’s Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts wanted to produce other products.
Dan Murphy
OWNER / PERSONAL TRAINER m. 604-349-8042 e. danmurphyfitness@gmail.com w. www.danmurphyfitness.ca 2020 Haro Street Vancouver, BC V 6G 1J3
September 2015
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Since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses, but the new compasses were so erratic that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tate is lost.” A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.” A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.” POWERFUL “Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world.” ~ Nelson Mandela THE KING AND THE PAWN King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
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Let’s Go!
Toll Free 1.855.764.8500
www.tourhero.ca
ASK YOUR DERMATOLOGIST When you are on good terms with your dermatologist, ask this question: “When you started your practice, did you start from scratch?”
YOUR TROPIC SNORKELLING CENTRE!
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
604-524-8118
Over 40 Years Serving the Snorkeling & Scuba Community
604.524.1188
825 McBride Blvd, New Westminster www.diveandsea.com
Open 7 days a week!
636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm
wafflehouserestaurant.com
38 HOUSEKEEPERS NEEDED!
B U S I N E S S D I R E C T O R Y
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604-657-5600 Email
johnashdown@piffle.ca
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778-789-1117 mryoyothrower@gmail.com
www.mryoyothrower.com
Merry Maids is a growing business and needs hard working, trustworthy, and dedicated friendly staff. Completive wages offered. Apply at #426-604 Columbia St, New West
Additions • Renovations New Construction
Specializing In
• Concrete • Forming • Framing • Siding
604-218-3064
All your carpentry & handyman needs
Freedomfire Full Gospel International Ministries ❖ International Ministries ❖ Youth and Children’s Sunday School ❖ School of Leaders / G12 Vision / Encounter God Retreats ❖ Weekly Home Cell Meetings 64 8th St New Westminster Email: freedomfireband@telus.net revival@telus.net Office: 604-558-5824 Cell: 604-877-0662
Sylvia Jordi • Honest & Reliable • Careful & Efficient • Fully Equip 3 or 5 Ton Truck • Reasonable Rates
604.562.4637 laramoving.ca
LPN, BBA
Foot Care Nurse House Calls Care Homes Hospitals
604 341 4378 Info@FootCareHomeCall.com
FootCareHomeCall.com
New Westminster
Senior Helper Laundry & Light House Keeping
$20 hr Call Karen
778-789-3659
Mount Calvary Lutheran Church 701 - 6th St, New Westminster Divine Service & Sunday School: 11:00 am Sundays
Rev. James K. Kim
Tel: 604-521-2007
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
301-12th St, New West
604-377-5889 September 2015
43 6th St,
New Westminster
Knox Presbyterian Church
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
403 E Columbia St, New West
604.525.4566
renbooks@telus.net renaissancebookstore.com
604.524.6712
The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster
Regular Sunday Service at 11am
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39 50/50 A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.” The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.” ROCKER A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six,” he said.
Long time labour activist Bruce Elphinstone passed away on August 22, 2015. For many years a New Westminster resident, Bruce had retired to the Sunshine Coast in 1998. He and Anna raised their son Scot and daughter Sloane in New West and continued to feel a loyalty to and pride in this city. Bruce devoted his entire working career to the union movement, from a shop steward as young man in a plywood
PITT LAKE WILDERNESS TOUR EVERY THURSDAY & SATURDAY DURING SEPTEMBER
Serenity... is the one word
that describes the wilderness that is Pitt Lake. Includes: 6 hour cruise aboard our 40 passenger catamaran, the Beta Star, buffet luncheon, and live narration.
For more information or reservation, call 604-525-4465 or email info@vancouverpaddlewheeler.com Westminster Quay • 780 Quayside Dr, New Westminster
mill to Occupational Health and Safety Director for the BC Federation of Labour. The majority of his time was spent as a Business Agent for IWA Local 1-357 in New Westminster. Bruce witnessed many changes in unions over the years. He and so many others involved in union organizing in the late 1960s and early 70s were in the forefront of confronting issues like democratization, racism, equality of women in the workforce, safety standards and raising involvement and militancy in defense of a decent standard of living. Bruce Elphinstone was an integral part of this movement and will be remembered in this community and beyond. A memorial will be held on Sunday, September 20 at 2:00 p.m. Queen’s Park Centennial Lodge.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein
Roveen Kandola Real Estate Transaction Specialist
“Let’s Get Ahead Together”
604-644-7653 (SOLD) Introducing WAVES to Uptown New West.
Candace and Ricardo Hernandez are your friendly owners of the new Waves Coffee House. We invite our neighbours to visit and enjoy a coffee while we get to know you.
6th and 6th, Uptown New Westminster Columbia and Begbie, Downtown New Westminster Edmonds and Kingsway, Burnaby