Piffle Magazine 2015-11 by Sargent's Piffle

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November 2015 Issue #182

War Poems by Alan Woodland P16

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Peter Julian, MP

“Let peace be their memorial.”

New Westminster – Burnaby Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

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Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6

November 2015

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604.838.0312 “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” ~ Ann Bancroft

Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth ﬂoor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: chrissargent@piﬄe.ca

John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca

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Sargent’s Word Search �� 2 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page �� 7 MLA’s Report by Judy Darcy �� 11 Sargent’s City Scene ��14 War Poems by Alan Woodland �� 16 Remembrance Day ��17 Piffle Quiz �� 18 Ask An Expert: Dynamic Health and Fitness �� 20 Poet’s Corner with Janet Kvammen �� 23 Horoscopes by Liza �� 24 A-Maze-In �� 24 Math Madness October Solution �� 26 Number Blocks November Solution �� 26 Curious Flea Brings Choice �� 26 ACNW Update: Enjoying Art in Your Community �� 28 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 34 Piffle Quiz Answer �� 35 A Star is Born �� 36 Piffle Business Directory �� 37

Choosing the right Realtor does make a difference. Monica Raynolds is the difference.

Monica Raynolds Licensed Real Estate Agent

Dexter Associates Realty

604-537-5204

raynolds@dexterrealty.com

November 2015

HIS PAY CHEQUE A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last pay cheque. “This is two hundred dollars short,” he says. “I know,” says the employer. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you didn’t say anything.” “Well,” says the worker. “I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.” ANOTHER ONE ON THE HOOK A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair… there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?” “Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

5 “Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

PLANNING A REUNION? THE WAFFLE MAY BE THE VENUE YOUR LOOKING FOR!

INFLATION I wouldn’t say that inflation is making my life difficult, but I’m now starving on an income I used to dream about. COME ALONG A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the driver, “Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.” THE BELL RINGER Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. “How are you going to assist me,” asked Quasimodo. “That’s easy!” replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG!!! “That’s amazing!” said Quasimodo. “Could you show me that again?” “Sure!” said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, “Does anyone know who he is?” Quasimodo came out and said… “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!” A NICE OUTING A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?” The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.” The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, “To Memphis.” The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.” So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis”. And to this the farmer replied, “I did and we had so much fun, I’m taking him to the circus.”

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LEST WE FORGET: NEW WESTMINSTER CENOTAPH

RENAISSANCE BOOKS PRESENTS

Sunday, November 8, 2:00-3:00 p.m. Anvil Centre Program Room Phone: 604-527-4640 Many Canadians sacrifi ced their lives for their country in World War I & II. The names of those killed, associated with New Westminster, appear on the engraved plates affi xed to the City Hall Cenotaph. Explore the history of New Westminster’s Cenotaph. Who initiated it? Who designed it? Who built it? How were the names compiled? These are some of the questions we will answer. Registration required. (18+ YEARS)

Saturday, November 21, doors open 7:00 p.m., show starts 7:30 p.m. 43 Sixth St, New Westminster Renaissance Book Store In-House-Concert featuring The Volcanoes plus Caden Knudson. Tickets $15.00 each.

NEW WESTMINSTER COUNCIL OF WOMEN Wednesday, November 25, 11:30 a.m.1:30 p.m. New Westminster Library

DIWALI Sunday, November 8, 1:00-4:00 p.m. Celebrate Diwali at the Queensborough Community Centre! Phone: 604-525-7388 Diwali, a traditional Indian celebration also known as the “festival of lights”, celebrates positive energy, prosperity, knowledge and hope. There will be Bhangra dancers, traditional dancers, tasty snacks and kids’ activities. Registration is free.

Serving in the community for 117 years. Lobbies government on issues affecting women and families such as Health, Safety, Environment, Education, Seniors, and more. Email Florence Erwin, erwinf@shaw.ca

THE NEW WEST PHOTO CLUB PRESENTS LONGEVITY November 30, 2015- January 29, 2016 Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St (third floor)

VANCOUVER POP CULTURE COLLECTIBLES FAIR & COMPUTER SWAP MEET

Saturday, November 7 and Saturday, December 5, 11:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m. Scottish Cultural Centre, 8886 Hudson St, Vancouver This show is perfectly timed for customers to do their holiday shopping! There will be a selection of dealers carrying electronics, computer items, and more! You will also be able to fi nd rare toys, memorabilia, cards, current & vintage comics (Early DC & Marvel), coins, action fi gures, crafts, LEGO, Transformers, Star Wars collectibles, wrestling, boxing, Hot Wheels, COINS, die-cast models, art, jewellery, bead art, movies, video games, records, cds, VHS & dvds, and all kinds of collectibles! Star Wars Cards to the fi rst 100 Guests.

HERBERT SPENCER CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR

November 14, 10:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m. 605 Second St (school gym) Over 40 vendors, bake sale, bistro and raffle. Admission is free!

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

BUDGET BUILDING MAINTENANCE • Office Cleaning • Apartment Cleaning & Caretaker Services • Residential & Commercial Cleaning • Bonded & Insured • Free Estimates For complete janitorial services call Ram Bali, Manager 604-603-4464

POLICE DOGS If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. AT THE AQUARIUM One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever — since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins’ lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman. “Officer,” he said, “what’s going on?” “You’re under arrest,” said the policeman. “But why?” he asked. The policeman replied, “For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

Get alerts and track crime

Stay connected: Easy access to NWPD Facebook, and Twitter accounts.

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9 HILLBILLY This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. “You got any I.D.?” the patrolman asked. “Bout what?” the hillbilly replied. BOX ON THE ROAD Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. “I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.” TALKING ARM A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the

arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate! Aha!” says the doctor, “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!” LOONIE & THE $20 A Loonie met a twenty dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.” The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the Canada for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?” The Loonie said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.” PEOPLE STILL LIKE IT Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? SPENDING Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.

2015 REMEMBRANCE DAY SERVICE The service will commence at 10:30 am on Wednesday, November 11.

New Format: Full service at Cenotaph located in front of City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue All members of the public are invited to attend. For more information please call 604-527-4581 or email specialevents@newwestcity.ca

“Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world.” ~ Nelson Mandela

10 THE FALL A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He’s lying on the ground with a big crowd around him. A cop walks over and says, “What happened?” The guy says, “I don’t know, I just got here.” MINE DOESN’T SAY MUCH Money talks — all mine says is “Goodbye.” IT’S WHAT I’M IN FOR Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards

and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.” THE LECTURE The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer. “I’m going to a lecture.” the man said. “And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked. “My wife.” said the man. THE SLOTH A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough

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11 strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like? I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.” DOG AND MAN “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” ~ Mark Twain

MLA’S REPORT By Judy Darcy The leaves are turning, the temperature is dropping and the days are getting shorter but that hasn’t slowed me or my constituency office down! In the BC Legislature, I spoke out against the BC Government reducing the number of licensed beds for people with severe mental illnesses in Fraser

THE JUDGE The Judge said to the defendant. “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.” “Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”

Health. 55 beds were taken away from people with

HE CAN’T Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

October 12th to 18th was British Columbia At-

the most complex needs who need the highest level of care — and those beds have not been replaced. I will continue to press the Health Minister to provide the services that people suffering from mental illnesses need. tention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Awareness Week. I encourage you to check out www.bcadhd.com and learn more about the disorder and visit my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/ judy.darcy.3) to watch me address ADHD Awareness

I CAN GIVE YOU THAT A man is talking to the tax inspector who’s come to review his records. The inspector says, “As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.” “Thank God for that,” replies the man. “I thought you were going to ask for cash.” BANK ROBBERY A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.

Week in the BC Legislature. New Westminster is taking a bold step into the future with its Intelligent City initiative that will help attract high tech industry, create new educational opportunities, and help transform Royal Columbian Hospital into a healthcare hub. You can watch my statement in the BC legislature on my YouTube channel. Moving from the information superhighway to Highway One, I met with New Westminster Mayor Jonathan Cote, Coquitlam Mayor Richard Stewart and City Councillors along with my colleagues Selina Robinson, MLA for Coquitlam and

NEW WESTMINSTER COUNCIL OF WOMEN

Claire Trevena opposition spokesperson for trans-

Serving in the community for 117 years.

your Member of the Legislative Assembly. If

Lobbies government on issues affecting women and families such as Health, Safety, Environment, Education, Seniors, and more. For more information, contact Florence Erwin, erwinf@shaw.ca.

portation to discuss the traffic congestion at the Brunette overpass and explore ways to address it. I look forward to continuing to serve you as you ever have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call us at 604-775-2101, email me at judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca or drop by my office at 737 Sixth Street in Uptown. Our office is open Monday to Thursday, 10:00am-4:30pm.

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” ~ Milton Berle

12 SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7 & DECEMBER 5, 11AM-4PM

SCOTTISH

CULTURAL CENTRE 8886 Hudson St, Vancouver

YOU WILL FEEL THE LOVE If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. THE QUICK WAY What’s the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half! THE RECRUIT Police Chief: As a recruit, you’ll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

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DEAR DAD A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: “Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!”

November 2015

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Open for Lunch (Fridays & Saturdays)

DOC Bob: Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness? Doctor: Your eyesight seems to be poor. Bob: How did you come to that conclusion? Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital. WHO’S THE SMART ONE A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.” THE GROSS & NET The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits! GUMP’S EMAIL Q: What was Forrest Gump’s email password? A: 1forrest1

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“Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.” ~ BF Skinner

drop-in style workshops in multiple locations throughout the city. Watch for upcoming ads or visit our webpage for more information. This workshop will provide input into the Official Community plan (OCP) review. The OCP is the policy document that sets out the vision, goals and objectives for the future of New Westminster. Please RSVP (required) via email ourcity@newwestcity.ca or phone 604-527-4532.

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE OUR CITY WORKSHOP: A COMMUNITY CONVERSATION ON HOUSING November 7, 9:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m. Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St hat land uses should go where? What type of housing should we allow in the city? You tell us! Using past community feedback we have created land use scenarios for each neighbourhood and want to know what you think about each. Can’t attend the workshop? We will be taking the show on the road and will have

NEW WEST CRAFT FAIR November 7 and 21, 11:00 a.m.4:00 p.m., River Market at Westminster Quay

h e A r t s C o u n c i l of Ne w Westminster presents the New West Artisans Fair, a bimonthly event celebrating the a r t of m a k i n g . Je welers a nd knitters and crafters abound to bring you the best they have to offer. The perfect place to find that little something for the one you love made by your friendly neighbourhood artisan.

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15 ROYAL CITY CHILD ACTOR WINS AWARDS

ew Westminster Actor David Raynolds has just won an Honourable Mention Award for best young performer at the Action on Film International Film Festival in Los Angeles. He also received four Joey Award nominations in Vancouver for best actor in a short film age 9-10 years for “Albert”, best actor in a short film for ages 9-10 and best young ensemble in a short film for “The Wedgie”, and best actor in a TV commercial or PSA for ages 6-9, for his “Nascar Heroes” commercial. David has appeared in television, film and video. His Vancouver Real Estate commercial is currently airing on TV. He is best known for roles in “The Young and Prodigious T.S. Spivet, the feature film directed by Oscar nominated Jean-pierre

Jeunet, starring Helena Bonham Carter and Judy Davis, the short film “First Day”, an episode of Steven Spielberg’s hit TV series, “Falling Skies”. David voice-over projects include “Conner Prairie History Park commercial, Swiss Chalet, Nascar, and United Way. David studies acting at Vancouver’s Leblanc School of Acting with teacher and founder Julian Leblanc. He is also taking dialect coaching as well as acting and voice-over coaching. David previously studied acting at Shoreline Actors Academy. David is available for interviews and personal appearances upon request and is represented by Lena Lees of Play Management Inc. 604-677-7529 / lena@playmgmt.com.

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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Lest We Forget.” AIR RAID

by Alan Woodland

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November 2015

In the night in the dark I am nine years old Awake to the rude warning of sirens the alien throbbing of their engines the family hurries to shelter Father is away Beneath the earth we crouch in candlelight We still our breath make ourselves small The bombs are striding down the street They have our names on them We watch them coming closer falling through the fear in our mother’s eyes Seventy years later I am still waiting for the All Clear

TWO MINUTES ON THE ELEVENTH by Alan Woodland

In the two minutes of silence there is time to think of the reality of war the single second it takes to fall the black hole that is death Two minutes may seem a long time standing in the wind beneath a thin November sun but those two minutes end the piper plays the trumpet sounds and life resumes with all its pain and pleasure For those who died — Their silence is forever

17 LEFT: Firefighters tackling a blaze after an air raid on London. PHOTO CREDIT: NATIONAL ARCHIVES AND RECORDS ADMINISTRATION.

BELOW: Children made homeless after bombings in London sit outside the wreckage of what was once their home. PHOTO CREDIT: THE NEW TIMES PARIS BUREAU COLLECTION.

REMEMBRANCE DAY

by Lori Pappajohn ince the end of the War, he has never missed a Remembrance Day. Ever. Each Nov. 11 he stands at the cenotaph in the cold and damp and remembers. And there is a lot to remember —- he heard it, saw it, tasted it. Former New Westminster Chief Librarian Alan Woodland was a child during World War II, on the south east coast of England where, during the Battle of Britain, enemy planes flew daily overhead and bombs screamed out of the sky. He saw the older boys marching off to war and saw the pain of the mothers and wives left behind. Some 20 million military personnel died in that war. Yes, 20 million sons, husbands, fathers, daughters, sisters. It was the deadliest war in history with some 40 million civilians also dying. Due to the increased bombing and threat of invasion, Alan’s family left their home in August 1940, the day of the heaviest air raid on a nearby airfield. As he looked back, the house was framed in smoke and fire. Later, the train he was on was bombed while crossing a bridge. Terrifying for a child. Even more terrifying was life for those no

longer at home, those at the front living the horror. Like all wars, this one was evil with death all around and on all sides. A war that killed and killed. Men who had never murdered, daily shot the heads, legs and arms off other men and had their own heads, legs and arms shot off. In the end, they stopped Hitler. The price they paid was horrific. So why wouldn’t Alan remember? And why wouldn’t we? At the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, pause and spare a thought for those who died and for their loved ones whose hearts were broken. It’s the least we can do.

18 THANKS SON Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. “Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

How many oceans border Canada?

IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”… but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”. GIVE DAD A BANANA A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” THE SMARTIST MAN An American stockbroker, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The stockbroker proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped. The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life. The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my packsack!” PAYBACK Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father. “Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.” MISTAKES I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.

November 2015

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Hyack Square Commemorative Bricks Commemorative bricks are available for public purchase for $200, and can be inscribed with two lines of text. Commemorative bricks are on sale until January 6, 2016. Those interested in ordering a brick can find the order form at City Hall, any recreational facility, or by emailing pcr@newwestcity.ca. Questions can be directed to 604-515-3827.

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Luke Ramnath

The Bosu can be one of several pieces of equipment you use in your workout or it can serve as the surface for your entire workout — either on the flat side or the dome side. It can also aid in the rehabilitation of certain types of joint injuries.

help with your balance and stability, mainly because of it’s versatility. Its unstable surface requires your core muscles especially the smaller stabilizer muscles that surround your joints — to work harder to keep you balanced.

USING THE BOSU: If you’re A Bosu is a fantastic piece of new to the equipment and will definitely Bosu, it’s a good idea to start CAUTION: while the Bosu’s by standing on unstable surface works your either the dome muscles harder, it also challengside or es your balance. Ask for help the flat if your unsure of how to use it side to

The Bosu Balance Trainer is an inflated rubber hemisphere attached to a rigid platform that looks like a stability ball cut in half. The name is an acronym that stands for “BOth Sides Up” — a reference to the two ways a BOSU ball can be positioned.

I’m working hard on my balance and stability for the upcoming Ski and Snowboard season, I’ve seen lots of Bosu’s in the gym. What do they do and will it help?

As always, if you have any questions feel free to ask me or any other Dynamic Fitness and Health staff people.

The Bosu is also great for various oblique and core ab exercises. Normally, when you’re working your abs, you sit on the dome.

and improve your balance. As your confidence grows, try different leg exercises or upper body exercises from a standing position.

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This summer I decided it was time to get serious about my physical activity. I was one of those people who had a gym membership that I paid for every month but had only been sporadically using it, once or twice a month, since I signed up over a year ago!

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safely and correctly.

22 BAD COLD Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this? Pupil: This is my father speaking! SAYING GRACE A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing? I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl, shyly. “Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,” the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, “Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!” WORMS Will was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son,” Said Will, “what does that show you?” “Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms.” LOOK WHAT I CAUGHT HONEY Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?” “Why do you want me to throw them at you?” “Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.” “Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout.” “Why’s that?”

Dan Murphy

OWNER / PERSONAL TRAINER

604-349-8042 danmurphyfitness@gmail.com www.danmurphyfitness.ca

November 2015

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23 “Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight.” TWO PARENTS CHAT First Parent: I have the perfect son. Second Parent: Does he smoke? First Parent: No, he doesn’t. Second Parent: Does he drink whiskey? First Parent: No, he doesn’t. Second Parent: Does he ever come home late? First Parent: No, he doesn’t. Second Parent: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? First Parent: He will be six months old next Wednesday. WAS THAT YOU? A 45-year-old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience. She met God and asked him, “Has my time come?” He answered, “No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live.” After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’. She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible. After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her. While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened. “You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?” And he answered, “I didn’t recognize you.” AWARD Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: Because he was outstanding in his field. SILENT An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

Join us for “Poetic Justice” at The Heritage Grill, Back Room, most Sundays, 3-5 p.m. Visit www.poeticjustice.ca for all the latest events.

NONE BUT THE BRAVE © Janet Kvammen November 11, we stand in silence to reflect Upon our veteran’s sacrifice, for evermore Lest we forget; with honour and respect To the Unknown Soldier, fallen in war. Yesterday mourn, Heed the bugler’s call. Poppies worn, For one, and for all. Heads bow in respect, No more war — the communal desire. New Westminster’s time to reflect, Near and far, peace under fire. Flags raised high, crisp autumn light fades, The cenotaph on Royal — a multicultural globe. Weary vets remember all from battle to parades, By their sides, innocent youth resonant hope. From the cradle to the grave, None but the brave Lest we forget. Dedicated to the Royal Westminster Regiment.

Director of the Royal City Literary Arts Society and New West Artists, Janet Kvammen is a poet, photographer and visual artist. Published in over a dozen anthologies, Janet is the recipient of a 2012 Writer’s International Network Distinguished Poet and Artist Award and a 2014 World Poetry Empowered Poet Award. Facebook: PlanetJanet Creations www.rclas.com.

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN DIRECTOR, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems for this column by emailing Janet: janetkvammen@rclas.com

“Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.” ~ Anonymous

Call Liza for a personalized reading today!

778-898-2146

HOROSCOPES by LIZA

NOV 2015

ARIES: All relationships go well for you this month. You are able to achieve harmony and understanding. Legal matters should work in your favour. TAURUS: All matters relating to your work and daily life will go smoothly for you this month. Your health will receive a positive boost, just avoid over indulgence. GEMINI: Love could blossom for you this month. Creative activities are favoured. This month is for fun so enjoy yourself. CANCER: A good month to catch up on those home renovations you have been putting off. Much can be accomplished around the home. LEO: You see beauty in everyday encounters with others. Much communication takes place this month. Just keep conversations light and friendly. VIRGO: Your in the mood to go shopping this month. You may want to keep those credit cards at home and put some money away for the future. LIBRA: Being the peacemaker generally comes easy for you. However this month you may find yourself doing just that more often than usual.

A GUY CAN’T WIN A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her behind, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asks. “Well,” the man says, “I figured she preferred it in the behind, so I pushed it back in.” WRINKLES A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa. “Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl. “Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa. “Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

PIFFLE’S

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

SCORPIO: Life has been very busy for you the past few months and now you seek rest and quiet. A good time to evaluate everything you have accomplished. SAGITTARIUS: Friends and social activities keep you busy this month. Your dreams and wishes can come true if you just put the energy into it. CAPRICORN: Favorable circumstances take place in your work and profession. Authority figures see you in a good light and look forward to your ideas and input. AQUARIUS: Communications of all types take on a much more easy going tone. Others are open to your ideas. Relationships with siblings run smoothly. PISCES: Thinking about travelling? This is a good month to take that holiday you have been dreaming about. Higher education is also favoured.

November 2015

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25 THE BIKE TRADE A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. “I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.” The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.” The little boy looked at him happily and said, “You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya!”

THE SALVATION ARMY

WANTS YOU!

One of the best gifts you can give this Christmas… is the gift of your time. The Salvation Army is looking for enthusiastic, responsible individuals to assist with their 2012 Christmas Fundraising activities in New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody and Port Coquitlam. Volunteer as a family-Volunteer with a friend-Volunteer as a staff team-Volunteer as a community group. Give 2 hours, 4 hours, a day, or join up for several shifts throughout the campaign.

Contact Captain Eva Galvez at 604-521-2421 or email newwest_kettles@shaw.ca for more information. The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 15th to December 24th

Remembering and Honouring our Heroes HARMONY COURT ESTATE

All-Inclusive Retirement Living 7197 Canada Way, Burnaby BC www.agecare.ca/HarmonyBC “All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.” ~ Anonymous

26 CURIOUS FLEA BRINGS CHOICE

Discover, explore, and satisfy your curiosity at the Curious Flea. This isn’t your grandmother’s flea market. Retro chic, mid centry modern, 50’s kitsch, up-cycled treasures, steampunk finds, and everything in between grace our curious halls. An appraiser is available onsite to help you figure out what fabulously curious treasures you may have! Now organized by Bits and Keys. This season’s flea promises to be even bigger and better! There’s always something to discover at the Curious Flea!

Saturday & Sunday Nov 14 th & 15th

few years ago, three friends and I travelled for 22 hours by bus and train to go to San Francisco for my birthday. We saw all kinds of excellent sights, and did lots of shopping. On the second to last day of our trip we stopped at an outside artisan market and found a magical tent making jewelry which combined chainmaille and old keys and I completely fell in love. A few months after we returned I was running a fund raiser for a young workers committee I volunteer with and we decided to run a craft fair. I thought it might be fun to make necklaces from old keys, similar to the ones I had seen on vacation so I went to the Vancouver Flea market and found SO MANY THINGS! Thusly was the birth of my obsession with transforming old and weird things into wearable art. Now I spend hours combing through garage sales, flea markets, second hand stores and vintage shops searching for those perfect little things. Come join me November 14th & 15th and check out Curious Flea for all my latest designs as well as 20 other fabulous artisans and collectors!

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

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810 Quayside Drive, New Westminster, BC 604.520.3881 so are you curious enough to check it out? November 2015

SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

27 AND THE WINNER IS… There was a father who called his 5 small children together. As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle. He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them “who is the most obedient?” Five sets of eyes looked up at him. Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, “OK, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?” One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. “You win!” exclaimed the child. AT THE BUFFET At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!” WELL THAT’S HANDY One Sunday morning ,a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. “Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way round the back.” There was a box near the front door that said “For the Sick.” THANKS FATHER A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

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“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” ~ Anonymous

28 ENJOYING ART IN YOUR COMMUNITY

he Arts Council of New Westminster aims to be a hub for arts, artists, and community members in the city. The Council regularly hosts, supports and offers resources for a variety of arts-related events throughout the city. You’re invited to attend an upcoming event and explore the growing arts scene in New Westminster:

• Arts Council of New Westminster Annual General Meeting. Sunday, November 22, 2:00pm-4:00pm. The AGM will feature the very first New Westminster Cultural Roundtable in partnership with the BC Alliance for the arts and Culture. The Centennial Lodge in Queen’s Park. • Last Monday at the Movies. November 30, 7:30pm. Each month, the Arts Council hosts a movie at the Massey Theatre. In November, they’ll be showing What We Did on Our Holiday, starring Rosamund Pike, David Tennant and Billy Connolly. Tickets are $10 or $8 for seniors/students. • New West Craft. First and third Saturday of the month, 11:00am-4:00pm. Browse this market of goods handmade by crafters, artisans and makers— a great place to start your holiday shopping. River Market. • Pepe Hidalgo exhibition. Starts November 10, artist reception November 15, 2:00pm-4:00pm. Every few weeks, the Arts Council welcomes a new artist to showcase work at The Gallery in Queen’s Park. Pop by and see the work of the latest artist on display. Want to find out more or get involved with arts in your communit y? Learn more about these events, sign up to volunteer, or become a member at www.artscouncilnewwest.org.

AUTO WASH STARTING AT

“Helping you… is what I do.” Marjorie A. Ashdown Realtor Since 1991 ®

Not intended to solicit properties already listed for sale.

marjorieam@shaw.ca

604.838.2675 November 2015

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29 IT MAKES SENSE Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me. Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born. O PUN THE WINDOW Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents. Friend: That’s Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that? WE TRIED Having past almost 30 years, the same question still bothers him… Why he does not look alike his brothers and parents at all — every single one pretty and he so ugly. He summoned all his courage and decided to ask his mother: “Mom, tell me the truth please, I am adopted, aren’t I?” The mother burst into tears and said: “Yes, my child! But it didn’t work, they returned you back!” “O” Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” Johnny says, “Yeah!” ALL THIS AT 80 An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?” The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.” “That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must of shot the bear. That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor. “The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” ~ Walter Bagehot

30 SOMEBODY RESPONSIBLE Employer: “We need someone responsible for the job.” Job Applicant: “Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.” FUN AT THE YMCA A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” CUTE BABY The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby. “The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking. “The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

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❑ 1 Year ($50 + $2.50 TAX)* ❑ New ❑ Renewal ❑ Send me the FREE digital version too! Subscription Start M M / Y Y Y Y Make payments to “Sargent’s Publishing” Piﬄe Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 *Subscription rate has increased due to Canada Post’s announced increase in stamp prices.

November 2015

WHAT DO YOU DEDUCE Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.” But what does it tell you, Holmes?” “Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” ALBERT In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.” The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.” JUST A SPUD Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator. THANKS Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff. We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

OVER 200 MEDICATIONS CAN

CAUSE HEARING LOSS ARE YOU TAKING ONE OF THEM? Approximately 200 prescription and over-the-counter medications are known to be ototoxic — which, quite literally, means “poisonous to the ears.”

What medications are ototoxic?

It’s difficult to make a precise list, especially with new medications. Many drugs have been tested, and the list of known ototoxic drugs includes: • Aspirin • Quinine • Certain antibiotics • Some anticancer drugs

Symptoms of ototoxicity

If you’re taking a known or suspected ototoxic drug and begin to notice any of the following symptoms, consult with your healthcare professional right away: • Mild tinnitus or ringing in the ears • Noticeable hearing loss • Issues with balance IMPORTANT: You are strongly advised to NOT stop taking any prescribed medication without consulting with your prescribing doctor.

For a complied list of ototoxic drugs, visit www.simplehearing.ca/drugs

What Can You Do? Get a hearing screening

Before receiving treatment for any condition that involves known or suspected ototoxic drugs (both prescribed or over-the-counter), you should get a hearing screening taken by a hearing professional.

Listen for any changes

A pre-treatment hearing screening will set a baseline for your hearing that can be used to measure against during the course of your treatment. Then, regular hearing tests throughout treatment can help detect any changes. These could be shared with your healthcare professional.

FREE HEARING SCREENINGS We offer free hearing screenings for area residents who think they may have a hearing loss. Call us today to schedule yours.

Schedule a Free Hearing Screening! Call Today. 604-634-3635 We’ve been helping our neighbours hear better since 2009. - Jamie Larsen (owner)

Call Us Today at: 604-634-3635

#108 - 7885 6th Street Burnaby, BC www.simplehearing.ca

IS YOUR ADDRESS VISIBLE?

Whether it is Police, Ambulance and/or Fire, it is crucial to have the address of your building, business and residence prominently displayed. Have a look at your address from the road. Is it large enough, is it of contrasting colour, is your address visible on a rainy night at 3:00 a.m. in the morning when you need emergency assistance? A clear, visible, address allows emergency personnel to respond accurately and without delay in your time of need. BYLAW SNIPPET YOU SHOULD KNOW…

FIRE PROTECTION BYLAW (6940 2004 – 40.2)

Addressing of Occupancy Each premise must be individually addressed. An individual address must be legible from a distance of 15 meters and placed on new or existing buildings or structures in such a position as to be plainly visible and legible from the street, road fire lane or right of way or easement and at the front of the structure. New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

November 2015

THAT’S WHAT IT’S LIKE A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? “You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” UGLY A woman gets onto a tour bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” I FORGOT I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me… then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. TWO BEARS Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting. On landing, the pilot says, “Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.” The hunters go out and return with two bears. So the pilot says, “I told you ONE bear!” But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

33 After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears. After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank. Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are. The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.” AT THE BEACH WITH GRANDMA A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” FISH Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

YOUR TROPIC SNORKELLING CENTRE!

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MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME! “I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.” ~ Anonymous

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH

PIRATE ON THE POOP DECK There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. “It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out. That’s very sensible, sir.” At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. “Get my brown pants.” CAN YOU HELP? Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What’s the long answer? Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: Why did the man run around his bed? A: To catch up on his sleep!

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: A receding hare-line.

Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? A: He wanted to make a clean get away!

Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water! Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Q: What’s the diﬀerent between a cat and a comma? A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words? A: The thesaurus. Q: Why don’t traﬃc lights ever go swimming? A: Because they take too long to change! November 2015

THAT’S BETTER Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier

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www.stormworks.ca | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

35 if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added. THEY’RE QUICK Q: How many Filipino’s does it take to build… A: Oh shoot, they’re done! TOASTED Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A: Look for sesame seed buns. HOW TO IMPRESS How to Impress a Woman: compliment her, kiss her, caress her, love her, comfort her, protect her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, listen to her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. How to Impress a Man: show up naked, bring beer.

Signs & Printing

High Quality Namebadges to Promote Your Brand and Identity.

We have many styles available and can even produce custom shapes and sizes. A wide variety of colours and materials are available. Durable inks for imprinting your logo. We have a wide range of colour options available Traditional Finish - Metallic Finish. Laser Cut / Engraved Room Numbers/Identification Signs A variety of colours, typestyles and sizes available. Including 3D lettering.

Fire Door and Stairwell Signs

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Evacuation Plans

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Door Sliders

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A variety of colours and sizes available all conforming to pictogram standards.

Direction Signs

We create custom signs on all kinds of materials; Sintra, Lamicoid, plywood, coroplast.

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Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM

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36 A STAR IS BORN

“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

Roveen Kandola Real Estate Transaction Specialist

604-644-7653(SOLD) Intimate In-Home Parties. Host a party and receive a free gift! Your friends will thank you! Creams Enhancers Lubes Adult Toys Accessores Games and much more!

Passion by Holly Holly Mitton

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Mention this ad for

November 2015

778.709.9917

info@passionbyholly.com

your purchase at passionbyholly.com

t’s been said that meeting people in Vancouver can be hard. So when you’re single and looking, where exactly do you look? This is a problem that many single people face today. We have on-line dating sites, MeetUps, and for some, we have TV. Holly, a young, single, strong, and independent woman had put herself out there numerous times but had not met her match. When she saw an application on Facebook looking for singles to star in the first session of First dates Canada, she jumped on it. Within a few weeks Holly got the phone call and interviews began. It wasn’t long before the producers saw the potential with Holly and they asked her to be a Feature date for the show. But why Holly? Well, it was probably a toss-up between her very interesting career choices; the morgue by day and Independent Passion Party Consultant by night! Now that makes for great T.V.! The show, First Dates Canada, had its first season and Holly's episode (6) aired just a few weeks ago. We caught up with Holly and had a chance to hear how her date went. “Well, love is not in the air”. “So what made you even want to try out for the show”, I asked Holly. “It’s simple. It is hard to meet people these days. Like I said on the show, all the guys I meet are dead! And when I’m working with Passion Parties, all the people I meet are women. So I thought I would let someone else do the ground work and I’ll just show up for the date! “They set you up on a date with Ginga Nija from Big Brother, was there a love connection?” “Hahaha, did you watch the show? Hell No!! I pushed him to see if he would step up and meet me and my level; he couldn’t. It was still a fun evening and a great experience, but I’m still single. “Curious minds want to know Holly, did you really have a remote with you?” With a devious smile on Holly’s face, she said “curious minds will just have to stay curious”. You can check out Holly ’s product line at www.passionbyholly.com.

READING A BOOK I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

Freedomfire Full Gospel

B U S I N E S S D I R E C T O R Y

/issue

International Ministries ❖ International Ministries ❖ Youth and Children’s Sunday School ❖ School of Leaders / G12 Vision / Encounter God Retreats ❖ Weekly Home Cell Meetings 64 8th St New Westminster Email: freedomfireband@telus.net revival@telus.net Office: 604-558-5824 Cell: 604-877-0662

Phone John today!

604-657-5600 Email

johnashdown@piffle.ca

Knox Presbyterian Church

403 E Columbia St, New West

604.524.6712

The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster

Regular Sunday Service at 11am

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604.299.9538 info@lhohcf.ca lhohcf.ca We are a multi-cultural community church where everyone is welcome— AND WE REALLY MEAN IT!

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SERVING YOUR COMMUNITY 325 6th Street New Westminster, BC Tel: 604-521-0363 See you at church!

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Mount Calvary Lutheran Church 701 - 6th St, New Westminster Divine Service & Sunday School: 11:00 am Sundays

Rev. James K. Kim

Tel: 604-521-2007

Safety for Seniors!

Looking for a more affordable way to borrow? Let us show you how to use the equity in your home.

For more information on using your home equity or your home financing options, contact:

Jahan Siddiqui Manager, Mobile Mortgage Specialist Tel: 604 727 7599 Fax: 604 909 1977 E: jahangir.siddiqui@td.com

“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

t’s a dear shame when we hear of negative experiences from people working with realtors in the news or from friends. It tarnishes the reputations of many good Realtors and makes buyers lose confidence in the process of buying or selling as a whole. Here are some suggestions that in my opinion would make the

whole process better, by which you could also potentially avoid issues like these.

Work with someone you TRUST!!! (do not be afraid to ask for references or follow up with testimonials. Any trustworthy agent should be happy to provide you with lots of them.)

a written record of it and to be thorough have whomever it involves sign/date it.

No matter how stupid a question may seem, do not be afraid to ask it. In most cases you are making one of the biggest decisions of your life. You should understand every little detail of it before you commit.

make assumptions, “Let’s GetNever Ahead Together” Sincerely,

read all contracts, documents, agreements. If there is an important decision made along the process that is not written into the contract, keep

Roveen Kandola

530 Richmond St, New West

219 Campbell St, New West

• 6 bdrms, 2 kitchens, 4.5 baths • 3300sq ft home on a 6000 sq ft lot with stunning views • 2-5-10 warranty included This 3 storey home features include ac, radiant floor heating, HRV, stainless steel appliances, 2 car detached garage with 2 piece washroom and separate electric panel, 2 car attached garage, long private driveway through lane access with remote control motorized gate for privacy, 2 indoor f replaces, 1 outdoor fireplace, 2 master bedrooms, open concept kitchen and living area backing onto outdoor living space (perfect for entertaining with fantastic views to the east, quartz countertops, 2 bdrm legal suite with theatre room on basement level, built in gutters, concrete window wells and retaining walls, extensive drops and finishing work, fancy light fixtures and rope lighting, will be a nicely landscaped and private yard, cameras and security rough in

Nothing for you to do but move in!!! 2641 sq ft home on a 4329 sq ft lot. Very functional 5 bdrm, 4 bath home, 2 bdrm legal suite, open concept, modern finishings, stainless steel appliances, spice/wok kitchen, large rec room on the main floor, great home for entertaining, central location in the heart of the Lower Mainland. Easy access to all hwys and the Queensborough Landing (Walmart), A very quick walk from the home to Queen Elizabeth Elementary and the Queensborough Middle School. Lots of new developments in the area, and one of the only new homes for sale in this area. Large Tandem garage and tons of storage. Millions have been spent recently on improving the recreation and infrastructure in the area. Queensborough is now a vibrant close knit community with lots of comfort to offer its residents. 2-5-10 warranty included.

$879,000 + GST

Real Estate Services Independently Owned and Operated

Roveen Kandola

Proud sponsor of

Real Estate Transaction Specialist Cell:

604-644-7653 (SOLD)

2014

roveenkandola@remax.net

“I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.” ~ Anonymous

“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

“Let’s Get Ahead Together” FOR SALE: HISTORICAL PART OF NEW WESTMINSTER The Ambrose Apartments Can buy existing building as is now, 17 units in total on a approximately 10,823 sq ft lot or take over the current redevelopment application for a potential new rental building of 24 units to be built in this space. This wood frame building was originally constructed by Ching Nye and Tom Hine in 1913 for $8,000.00. The architects were Frank Gardiner and Andrew Mercer who also designed Nelson House, Richard McBride Elementary School, the Trapp Building, Westminster Trust Building, Columbia Building, and The Duke of Connaught High School (just to name a few). The contractors on this project were Hyslop & Lightbody. This building was initially operated as a hotel with commercial shops on the ground floor. Sometime in the

1930s, the hotel was turned into the Ambrose Apartments as it’s known to present day.

Acquisition cost of land and building (as is) = $1.99M Please call or email for more details!

Real Estate Services Independently Owned and Operated

Roveen Kandola Real Estate Transaction Specialist Cell:

604-644-7653 (SOLD)

Proud sponsor of

2014

roveenkandola@remax.net

Come celebrate our

10th Anniversary

Tuesday, November 10th