Piffle Magazine 2016-03 by Sargent's Piffle

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CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

MARCH 2016 ISSUE #186

Clean, Private, Service Oriented Fitness... For Men and Women

Dynamic Health and Fitness owners Jeﬀ and Alison Humphries commitment to excellence has made their business a success. See story on page 20.

DIFFERENT LINES OF DRAFT NOW ON TAP T

Let’s Get Ahead Together

Roveen Kandola & Associates Restaurant & Public House SEE OUR SPECIALS ON P3!

604-644-SOLD (7653)

roveenkandola@remax.net

Re/Max Real Estate Services N. Tower 410-650 West 41st Ave. Independently Owned and Operated.

Clean, Private, Service Oriented Fitness... For Men and Women Clean, Private, Service

Oriented Fitness… For Men and Women

SEE OUR AD INSIDE

Peter Julian, MP New Westminster – Burnaby

Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

Peter Julian’s Community Office:

7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6 Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

WORD SEARCH W Q E B T Z W Q P X A R W B V E C W G D

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J Z Y D E I O S F K C Y P X N A N F Y H

BEGOTTEN CHURCH CROSS DIED EASTER EVERLASTING FORGIVE JESUS LIFE OHAPPYDAY SINS SON WASHEDAWAYOURSINS

I LOVE YOU A couple is sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!” “Is that you or the wine talking,” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife, “Talking to the wine.” AN ELEPHANT Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? A: An irrelephant! PIZZA PIECES While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said, “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.

Judy Darcy, MLA EMAIL

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101

Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6

March 2016

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$5 BREAKFAST SATURDAY & SUNDAY UNTIL 2PM

CUMBERLAND ST

T RS

The Castle Neighbourhood Grill

FRASER

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101 - 319 Governors Crt New Westminster

604-544-5020

BURGER AND BEER SPECIAL! Drink purchase required

BREAKFAST SPECIAL Drink purchase required

EXP APR 20/16

2 1 for

HOUR HAPPY N MO FRI!! PM N -- FRI 3-5 3-5PM MO

$5 PINTS!

PIPERS, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS

EXP APR 20/16

MONDAY: All-You-Can-Eat-Pasta.........$10 TUESDAY: Burger & Fries .................... $7 WEDNESDAY: Wings ..........................39¢ THURSDAY: Steak Sandwich ............... $9 FRIDAY: Fish & Chips .......................... $9 FRIDAY: Prime Rib after 5pm, until sold out ......$17 SATURDAY: All Rib Special................... $9 SUNDAY: Roast Beef Dinner...............$14

WEE JOKES Q: What do you think of my Irish stew? A: It could use a pinch of Gaelic. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Gentlemen services at Spa call for quotes. Home services are for ladies only.

39¢ WINGS

DURING GAME DAYS! FREE PARKING!

Restaurant & Public House

OPEN Mon-Fri 11am-Midnight • Sat & Sun 8am-Midnight

www.thecastleneighbourhoodgrill.ca

Q: What does Ireland have more of than any other country? A: Irishmen! Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: Top O’the moaning! Q: What’s big and purple and lies next to Ireland? A: Grape Britain! Q: What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck!

WAXING SERVICES OTHER SERVICES Full Body ......................$75 Legs (half/full) ....... $20/30 Arms (half/full) ...... $15/25 Bikini (line/Brazil) .. $10/30 Chest/Back ............. $25/30

FRIDAY

FISH & CHIPS FISH CHOWDER CRISPY FISH BURGER

ST. PATRICK’S DAY DANCERS

SATURDAY & SUNDAY 8am-10am

IT’S ROBBERY I got robbed at the gas station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. I said, “Yes, pump number six.”

20 FISH

DIFFERENT LINES OF DRAFT NOW ON TAP

THE KAYAK Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. Thus proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. PASSWORD I Changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect.” Whenever I forget, it will tell me: “Your password is incorrect.”

AQUA SPA

Massage............ $50 HOME ESTHETICS Facial ........$45 & Up Pedicure ............ $30 BY APPOINTMENT ONLY Manicure ........... $20 Brow ................... $5 778-888-7418 Lash .................. $10 19-15 K de K Crt, New Westminster 30 Minute Infrared Sauna................ $15

Angila

Gift Certificates available “Poetry might be defined as the clear expression of mixed feelings.” ~ W.H. Auden

Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth ﬂoor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: chrissargent@piﬄe.ca

John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca

piﬄe.ca

Sargent’s Word Search ��2 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page ��7 Pictograph by Ross Hood Puzzle #20 �� 12 A-Maze-In �� 12 ACNW Update: 6 Ways to Support New West Art �� 16 MLA’s Report by Judy Darcy �� 17 Sargent’s Math Madness �� 18 Sargent’s Number Blocks �� 18 Ask An Expert: Dynamic Health and Fitness �� 20, 21 Poet’s Corner with Janet Kvammen �� 23 Horoscopes by Liza ��24 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 26 Piffle Quiz �� 26 Sargent’s City Scene �� 27, 29 Pictograph by Ross Hood Puzzle #19 Solution ��29 Opening for Head were Progressive Rock Artists GARRETT ��30 Math Madness Solution ��30 Number Blocks Solution ��30 New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services �� 32 Piffle Quiz Answer ��35 Piffle Business Directory ��36

Wondering what your home is worth?

www.sellvancouverhomes.com

Roveen Kandola & Associates Re/Max Real Estate Services • Independently Owned and Operated • N. Tower 410 – 650 West 41st Ave

March 2016

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5 SAM I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz. One day he bragged to me that, “Everyone knows Sam Katz!” I said, “You don’t know the president of the United States.” He said , “Let’s go to the White House and I’ll prove it.” So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, “Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?” After all the greetings I said, “You don’t know Queen Elizabeth.” He said, “Let’s go to Buckingham Palace and I’ll prove it.” So we go there and the Queen says “Sam Katz, so good to see you again!” After the greetings I said to him, “Okay. One last person, you don’t know the pope.” He said, “Let’s go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we’ll come outside by the window and wave to you.” So that’s exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint. My friend asked me, “What happened to you? I tell him, “It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked, “Who’s the guy with Sam Katz?” I completely lost it.

FRI, MARCH 18 & SAT, MARCH 19 7:00-10:00PM Fraser River along 3-hour cruise on the w Westminster the water front of Ne g ever ything from DJ on board playin s current Top- 40 hit dance favorites to for le ecials availab Food and Drink Sp Galley the m fro e purchas

EVEN MORE CRUISES... Pitt Meadows Boat & Bike Tour

Royal City Boat & Bus Historical Tour

www.VancouverPaddlewheeler.com

TWO FISHERMEN Two dumb fishermen are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first fishermen. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the game warden. “But officer,” replied the second fishermen, “we aren’t fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” shrugged the game warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, the game warden left. As soon as he was out of sight, the fishermen started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn’t he know that there are steelheads in this river?!” “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ~ Joe Klaas

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support over the years!

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

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✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.

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NO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TOBACCO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS HEALTH WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO

More Space + More Products + More Services HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM–6PM SAT 9AM–2:30PM • SUN 9AM–1:30PM

981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

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March 2016

sue? Missing an is ACY RM A PH L IM PE RIA y rr ca is pleased to sues -is ck ba e th many of year. from the past

Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca

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MEALS ON WHEELS

Uptown Business District, Sixth St & Sixth Ave The Meals on Wheels program is available to residents of New New Westminster, BC Westminster. The meals are delivered Monday to Friday between Presented by the Uptown Business Association of New Westminster the hours of 10:30 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. Clients should plan to Uptown Live has arrived as one of the region’s most unique and lively events and is now firmly anchored in the summer calendar be home to receive meals or make alternate arrangements. The hot meal includes soup or salad, entree and dessert and of must-attend festivals in the Lower Mainland. costs $6.50. Frozen entrees can also be provided for days when Saturday, July 23 regular delivery is not available or if frozen meals are preferred For sponsors and local businesses, Uptown Live offers a great at a cost of $5.50. opportunity to directly engage with the community, build brand The meal includes a variety of main courses consisting of meat, fish, loyalty and demonstrate your community support. You are invited chicken or pasta dishes. There is a set menu rotation of 4 weeks. to join the party and be a part of something truly special! Diabetic and low salt diets can be accommodated. For more infor- For exhibitor and participation opportunities, please contact mation contact our office at 604-520-6621. Douglas Smith, Festival Director at 604-354-8852 or by email at info@uptownlive.ca.

“OUT FROM HIDING”

Saturday, March 26, 7:30 p.m. Renaissance Books, 43 Sixth St Phone: 604-525-4566 An Intimate acoustic evening with Tamer Young. Tickets $15.00 each. Tuesday, March 29, 7:00 p.m. RCLAS Singer Songwriters and Featuring Bob Westfall tickets $5.00 each.

A CLUSTER OF OPPORTUNITY

Location: The Gallery at Queen’s Park (annexed to the Centennial Lodge), Queen’s Park, New Westminster. For directions to the Galler y, please see the Park Map at www.artscouncilnewwest.org/contact-us/ Contact phone number: 604-525-3244 Email: info@artscouncilnewwest.org

Members: $49.99 Non Members: $69.99

Leadership Dinner Series Featuring: Mayor Jonathon Cote and Lisa Spitale March 23 Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St, New Westminster 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. — Reception 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. — Dinner and Program ART SQUARED: NEW WEST ARTISTS Title sponsors: City of New Westminster and Douglas College A group exhibition of square artworks by members of New West Art- Reception Sponsor: Port Metro Vancouver ists featured in The Gallery at Queen’s Park. Join us for the Opening Reception on Wednesday, March 2, from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. A New West Health Care Cluster can help the economic growth of a region by increasing job creation and tax revenues. The exhibition runs from March 2–27. Gallery Hours: Wednesday, 1:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.; Thursday to It has been said that on average, a business located in a cluster has a stronger growth and survival rate than those located outside it. Sunday, 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.; Monday to Tuesday, Closed.

NEW WESTMINSTER PARKS, CULTURE AND RECREATION

600 Eighth St, New Westminster Phone: 604-527-4567 MOTHER’S DAY REMEMBRANCE, SUNDAY MAY 8 Website: www.newwestpcr.ca If you would like to celebrate Mother’s Day, but your Mother has The Department of Parks, Culture, passed, or you are estranged from her, join others like you for an and Recreation offers a variety of enjoyable brunch at the Seasons in the Park Restaurant in beautiful recreational and leisure activities Queen Elizabeth Park, Vancouver. Bring a photo and/or story about at several sites in the city. Activities your Mother to share. No age or gender requirement. for seniors are concentrated at CenBookings taken up to May 6. tury House, Centennial Community RSVP booking is a must. Call 778-318-1894 to reserve! Centre and Queensborough Community Centre.

UPTOWN LIVE 2016!

NEW WESTMINSTER’S ULTIMATE STREET PARTY Saturday, July 23, 12:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

Consult the Active Living Guide for a current listing. www.newwestpcr.ca/ recreation/active_living_guide.php

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.” ~ Brad Paisley

8 THE FLASH OF A TRAFFIC CAMERA A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding… Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace… Two weeks later he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband: Nothing. Wife: “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.” Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.” SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus

March 2016

reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: • WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. • If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. THE BEGGAR Wife: I hate that beggar. Husband: Why? Wife: That rascal, yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a cookbook! THE FEDERAL AGENT A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up to him and said, “We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?” The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.” As he pointed at one of his fields. The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!” With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face. The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”

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BRICK

SALES

E XT E N

DED!

Hyack Square Commemorative Bricks Commemorative bricks are available for public purchase for $200, and can be inscribed with two lines of text. Due to continued interest in the Hyack Square commemorative bricks, sales have been extended until all bricks have been sold. Those interested in ordering a brick can find the order form at City Hall, any recreational facility, or by emailing pcr@newwestcity.ca. Questions can be directed to 604-515-3827.

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

THE ONE ON THE RIGHT A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” The mother replies, “I don’t like her.” WEIGHT LOSS A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds. When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing,” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean,” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the lady. A MAN’S FAITH A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, “I have faith, God will save me.” The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says, “I have faith, God will save me.” The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, “I have faith, God will save me.” The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replies, “I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!” ‘FREE’ ENTERPRISE A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great

ROBERT HAMER

REAL ESTATE CONSULTANT ROYAL LEPAGE NORTHSTAR

nw URC

New Westminster

UNITED REFORMED CHURCH

PREACHING

grace for sinners from God’s word

WORSHIP

779-5592 (O) 604 538-2125 roberthamer@royallepage.ca www.roberthamer.ca (in English and Mandarin)

With over 10 years of experience helping people reach there Real Estate goals in the Lower Mainland and Fraser Valley.

a heartfelt offering to God

COMMUNITY

a family that walks with you Join us at New Westminster United Reformed Church 701 Sixth St. newwesturc.org

Fredric T. Samorodin Registered Physiotherapist

Integrated Craniosacral & Jaw Physiotherapy Services Helping patients with chronic pain offering gentle, osteopathically-based physical therapy & acupuncture.

Russian & French spoken! 15 minute free consultations available!

102-609 Bent Court (UpTown) New Westminster

604-732-6323

www.integratedphysio.com March 2016

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11 Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.” THE DEAN’S TEST One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to take the test. So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks. 1. Your Name (2 MARKS) 2. Which tire burst? (98 MARKS) a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

NEW WESTMINSTER COUNCIL OF WOMEN

Saturday, APRIL 2 11AM - 4PM Scottish Cultural Centre

8886 Hudson St, Vancouver

P OP CULTURE SWAP MEET! IS ADM

S IO

00 E E . $3 ER 12 FR

KID

ND SU

FREE SUPER HERO CARDS TO THE

FIRST

100 GUESTS! • action ﬁgures • boardgames • cameras • canucks memorabilia • CDs/DVDs/ VHS

• graphic novels • hardware • Hot Wheels • jewellery • magazines • manga • monitors • parts

• • • •

records software Star Wars toys & collectibles • video games • vintage comics • wrestling

…and lots more all at great prices!

Serving in the community for 117 years.

DEALER INFORMATION 8' tables $40 each, or 2 for $70!

Lobbies government on issues affecting women and families such as Health, Safety, Environment, Education, Seniors, and more.

604-521-6304 funpromo@shaw.ca

For more information, contact Florence Erwin, erwinf@shaw.ca.

www.funpromo.ca

“Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year.” ~ Charles Lamb

PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD

PUZZLE #19

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “THE UGLY DUCKING” 3

1 11 13 13 13 12 12

1 4 6

1 1 18

15 20 19 14 16 13 11 8 6 4

Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle.

PIFFLE’S

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

March 2016

FAR OUT SHOES, MAN I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day. THE SNAIL A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?” A SERIOUS CONDITION A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!” POODLE ON SAFARI A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in midstrike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew,”, says the leopard, “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

13 that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!” Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. “Where’s that damn monkey,” the poodle asks. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!” TRAFFIC COURT A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.” THE SHOE One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?” GOAT SPEAK AS A SECOND LANGUAGE On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field. The first cow said “mooo” and the second cow said “baaaaaa.” The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, “Why did you say “baaaaa?” The second cow replied, “I am learning a foreign language.”

PLANNING A REUNION? THE WAFFLE MAY BE THE VENUE YOUR LOOKING FOR!

CALL ROBERT FOR MORE INFORMATION

604-524-8118

636 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER

Ken McIntosh Rod Drown Researchers

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“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ~ Cathy Guisewite

14 HER GOD A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered, “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.” The next little boy said, “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and an Asian face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.” Then a third boy piped up, “In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams,’OH MY GOD!!!’” A DUCK WALKS INTO A BAR A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.” “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck. “And you can talk!” exclaims the bartender. “I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.” The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!” “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.” So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

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15 “I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” says the bartender. “The circus,” repeats the duck. “That’s right,” replies the bartender. “The circus,” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?” “Yeah,” the bartender replies. “With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS,” says the duck. “Of course,” the bartender replies. “And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle,” persists the duck. “That’s right,” says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, “What would they want with a plasterer?” A 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

POSITIVE START TO THE DAY Open a new file in your PC. Name it “Housework.” Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. Empty the RECYCLE BIN. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?” 6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better? A SPECIAL COUPLE Q: Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist who got married? A: They fought tooth & nail. IN THE BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the old Bible. He

picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!” THE COLLEGE DOG A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going. “Well,” says the dog, “I’m not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages.” “Really,” says the master. “Say something in a foreign language.” The dog says, “Meow!” THE SECRETARY One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

w w w. b uy va n co uve rh o m es .c a Rove e n K a n d o l a & A s s o ci ate s R e / M ax R e a l E s tate S e r vi ce s • I n d e p e n d e ntly O wn e d a n d O p e r ate d • N . Towe r 41 0 – 6 5 0 We s t 41 s t Ave

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

16 6 WAYS TO SUPPORT NEW WEST ART THIS MONTH he Arts Council of New Westminster has another busy month with lots of events coming up. Here are just six inspiring ways you can connect with the arts in our city:

4. Catch a flick. Join the Arts Council for Last Monday at the Movies March 25, featuring a showing of Remember for your viewing pleasure. At the Massey Theatre, 7:30 p.m.

1. Take in an exhibit. Enjoy the latest featured artist at The Gallery at Queen’s Park. New West Artists showcases Art Squared, March 2–27. You can meet the artists at the artist reception on March 2 from 6:00 p.m.–8:00 p.m. It’s a great opportunity to meet other community art-lovers and enjoy an evening out in the Park.

5. The business of Art. The ACNW, NW Chamber of Commerce and 100 Braids St present Artovations, a series of professional development workshops at 100 Braid St beginning on March 9. Pre-registration is required on Eventbrite. Discounts for ACNW members!

2. Music for your ears! Listen to the acoustic stylings of Eden Fine Day at The Gallery at Queen’s Park March 23 from 7:00 p.m.–8:30 p.m. Admission by donation.

6. ArtsToGo. Come by Royal City Centre for free arts workshops for the whole family on the first Sunday of every month. Workshops run from 12:00 p.m.– 3:00 p.m. Get exposed to the arts!

3. Connect with others. Help bring community together through the arts at the New Westminster Cultural Roundtable. March 9, 7:00 p.m.–8:30 p.m. Admission is free, but pre-registration is required.

You can find out more details about these and other arts events in New Westminster at www.artscouncilnewwest.org.

ASK YOUR PASTOR TO WORK THIS STORY INTO A SERMON On the church newsletter were these instructions: Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply. If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor. If it turns blue see your dentist. If it turns red see your bank manager. If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately. If, however, it does not change color then there is nothing wrong with you, and there is ‘no’ reason why you shouldn’t be in church next week.

WHY AMERICA NEEDS GOD A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the Congressional Chaplain. The lady asked, “What does the Chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?” The guide answered, “No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!”

SHE PAID ALREADY A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. “I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket. March 2016

WHAT STRESS WILL MAKE YOU DO An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

17 MLA’S REPORT By Judy Darcy After a wonderful holiday season spent in New Westminster, I am back in Victoria for the spring sitting of the Legislature. The session began with a heavy dose of pomp and ceremony and the Lieutenant Governor’s “Speech from the Throne”, followed by the introduction of the Provincial Budget. Unfortunately, this Budget is disconnected from the lives of hardworking families in New Westminster. It does not address the affordability crisis that I hear about from constituents every single day. It doesn’t address the funding crunch in our schools. Despite the Premier’s promise to make class size and composition her “number-one priority”, her government has cut supports to children with special needs, increased class sizes, and taken money out of both the K-12 and post-secondary education — at a time when investing in opportunity is more critical than ever. Budget 2016 also does not address MSP fees — the most unfair tax that we have in have in this province. In my response

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.” The policeman continued, “I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me To Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.” ZEBRAS Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than “A” brA:

to the Budget, I spoke out strongly on all these issues on your behalf. I have also questioned the Premier and the Health Minister on unacceptable wait times for ambulances to arrive and for cancer treatment — and about an 82year old woman recovering from breast surgery who was forced to live in a homeless shelter afterwards. Over the past month I have had the opportunity to pay tribute to Steel & Oak Brewing Co. — a local, awardwinning brewery — as well as speak about the wonderful, community-focused Pecha Kucha event. And I have paid tribute in the Legislature to two prominent women New Westminster women who passed away recently: Dorothy Beach and Yvonne Cocke. I was honoured to witness the swearing in of the first First Nations woman to be elected to the BC Legislature, Melanie Mark, and the youngest MLA, education advocate Jodie Wickens. Would you like to stay in touch? Please follow me on Facebook for regular updates about what is happening in the Legislature and in the community.

FIFTY YEARS There was a couple married for 50 years and on the 50th anniversary the wife saw the husband crying and she told him, “Honey I never knew that after 50 years you would still love me the same way you did 50 years ago.” The husband looks at the wife and asks her, “Honey, do you remember 50 years ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked?” And the wife says yes. The man replies do you remember what your father told me that day? She replies no. The husband replies he told me that if I don’t marry you he would have me locked up in prison for 50 years. The wife looks at the husband and says, “and?” So the husband replies, “HOLLY COW! I could of been a free man by now!” 12 STEPS Q: Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? A: It’s called On And On Anon.

“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you really are.” ~ H.N. Turteltaub

MATH MADNESS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!

March 2016

WALK ON WATER All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked into George’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.” MABLE & FAYE Mable and Faye are sitting in their retirement home discussing the little old men who lived there. Mable says, “I sure am lonely since my husband died…I wish I had a boyfriend, but am not sure how to catch the attention of the geezers around here”. Faye says, “These gentlemen are lonely also, and many haven’t had any romance in their lives for decades. I bet if they thought they could get a kiss you’d have their attention”. So Mable starts walking the halls, and comes to the first room and knocks. A little old man answers, and she says “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but he replies, “No thanks” and shuts the door. She doesn’t get discouraged, and heads to the next room. “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but again, this man is not interested. This continues for several attempts, and when she finally gets to the room at the end of the hall again she knocks. A little old man answers the door. “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” she asks. He replies, “I don’t want a kiss, but I’ll take the soup”. THE PRIEST AND THE CAB DRIVER A priest and a cab driver went to heaven. The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house. The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

19 The priest asked St. Peter, “Hey I was a priest, how come I don’t get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?” St. Peter said, “We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed.” IT’S IN THE BIBLE A man was complaining that his wife refused to make his morning coffee. She shrugged and said. “In the Bible, we are told the man is to make the coffee.” He stares at her for a moment before informing her that he had never heard such a passage. She smiled, rose and retrieved her Bible from the living room. She leafed through it for a moment before laying it on the table in front of him. He glanced at it and sighs, seeing that she opened the Bible to: “HEBREWS”. THE PIRATE A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off”. “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked. “Well…” said the pirate, “That was my first day with the hook.” NOT FEELING WELL A man goes to see his doctor. When he sits down the examining room, he has a green bean in each nostril, a carrot in one ear and a zucchini in the other. He says, “Doc, I don’t feel well.” The doctor looks and him and replies, “That’s because you’re not eating well.”

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ynamic Health and Fitness has been assisting New Westminster residents achieve their health and ﬁtness goals for more than 15 years now ― a testament to owners Jeff and Alison Humphries commitment to excellence in all aspects of the company. “Our move down to the Shops of New West SkyTrain Station has been the best thing to happen to our business since starting out. The entire downtown core of New West is booming and the shear convenience of having your business beside the SkyTrain speaks volumes when a person can jump on or off the SkyTrain and walk into our club within a minute without having to drive around the city and look for parking” says Jeff. “The nice thing that has happened to us when we built our new club, which we were unsure about, is our new clients and our loyal clients over the years love the new location and the design of the club.” says Alison Jeff and Alison offer a top quality, friendly, un-intimidating and a professional club. With over 75 pieces of cardio machines throughout the club, a variety of equipment

Among a few accolades over the years is the Readers’ Choice award winner for 15 years in a row for the best Health and Fitness Club in New Westminster! The couple pride themselves on being hands on owners who make time to meet with their clients’ regularly to listen and help support them with their health and ﬁtness goals. Some of their employees have been with the company since its inception, which speaks volumes to the great working atmosphere the couple has nurtured over the years. “When you are successful in business it is all about giving back and supporting the people and organizations that have helped you along the way!”says Jeff. The couple just finished their 15th Annual Christmas Food and Toy drive in support for Monarch House (for abused women and children). “This year was our biggest contribution to date to Monarch House, a

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Cross, The Last Door recovery house, the annual Terri Fox Run, Juvenile arthritis and KidSport. “Year after year we really try to attend and help give back to all the local schools, sports teams and non-proﬁt organizations fundraisers as much as possible ― after all this is what our business is all about ― giving back!”

“There is no way we would be where we are today without a great supporting staff and the loyal, friendly, supportive clients over the years.” — Alison Humphries

and toys this year than any of the years past” says Jeff. They continue to support organizations such as the Canadian Red

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22 BOWLING My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month. I guess that’s why they call it alley money. A GROCER’S LOVE A doctor and a grocer loved the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose daily and the grocer gave the girl an apple. The girl got confused and asked the grocer, “There is a meaning in giving rose in love. Why are you giving me an apple?” The grocer answered, “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!” DO NOT TOUCH THE GORILLA Once upon a time, there was a man who went to the zoo. He stopped by the gorilla cage. There is a big sign there that says “Do NOT touch the gorilla!” Somehow the man accidentally touched the gorilla. A few minutes later he goes into his car and drives home. While he drives on the freeway he sees in his rear view mirror the gorilla driving a few feet away from home. Being scared the man goes to an airport flying from New York to Los Angeles. He looks back on the airplane and there is the same gorilla there. After he gets off at Los Angeles the guy tries to swim to China. After quite some time he looks back and sure enough the gorilla is also swimming to China. When he finally reaches China, the man who is out of breath by now. Sitting down he rests for awhile. By now the gorilla is only a few feet away from him. The guy says to him, “What do you want from me? Why do you keep chasing me?” The gorilla taps him on the shoulder and says to the man, “Tag! You’re it!”

A CUP OF TEA A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?” A NICE SPOT FOR LUNCH A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o’clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, “That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?” The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

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23 The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him where the rocks are?” THE THRIFTY SON A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip, three nickels. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.” The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. “Oh, really?” “Tell me, what does my tip say?” “Well, this nickel tells me you’re a thrifty man.” Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, “Hmm, true enough.” “And this nickel, it tells me you’re a bachelor.” Surprised at her perception, he says, “Well, that’s true, too.” “And the third nickel tells me that your father was one, too.” NUTS A senior lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts. Driver: “Why don’t you eat them yourself?” A senior lady: “I can’t chew look I have no teeth.” Driver: “Then why do you buy them?” A senior lady: “I just love the chocolates around them.” PAYING HIS DEBT Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says. AEIOU Q: Hear about the kid who at 5 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting? A: They say he later had a massive ‘vowel’ movement. HOT DOGS Q: What did one Hot Dog Say to the other Hot Dog? A: HI! Frank!

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

North Westminster © Aidan Chafe

If North Delta and New West had a love town would Kanye and Kim be jealous? If they met on a bridge—Fraser or Pattullo—or unacquainted roads running into each other, rendezvous recurring at particular intersections, would more cities find love? If the crows caught them in the act, would they report it to the trees? Would the Cascade mountains feel a Katy Perry roar? Would the West Coast rain require Rihanna’s umbrellas? If Kanye interrupted, told us their love town wasn’t right, even though he didn’t believe it, even though he wanted to stay wrapped in the arms of a bootylicious landscape he’s known to rap about, would the world believe him if he tweeted “North West” #tree limbs, #river mouth, #forest heart on Twitter?

Aidan Chafe is a poet and public educator bent on bending language. His work has appeared in CV2 and The Sacred Cow . He li ves in a modest abode on the cusp of New Westminster. Aidan is a Director of the Royal City Literary Arts Society.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.poeticjusticenewwest.org and www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

CALL LIZA

for your personalized reading today!

778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA

MAR 2016

ARIES: Understanding other peoples value systems will assist in making money during this time. Just don’t spend money on things you don’t really need. TAURUS: You may be called upon to look after a loved one during this time. Whats lacking in the physical will be made up for within the spiritual department. GEMINI: This is a great time to get together with friends and group activities. Others are attracted to your energy and you have much to share as well as learn. CANCER: Authority figures are pleased with your recent work efforts. Your recent hard work will fi nally start to pay off. Keep fl irtations to a minimum. LEO: Go out and try something new this month. Any new form of art or music will open your mind and bring upon a new understanding of the self. VIRGO: This is a good time to seek out a loan if required. Adjusting to other peoples value system will bring fortune your way. Love is strong and exciting. LIBR A: Your ability to express affection will bring much love into your life; even with business associates. A good time to make peace if there has been conflict. SCORPIO: This is a good time to discuss better working conditions. People in authority will be responsive to your ideas and make going forward much easier. SAGITTARIUS: Your love life heats up during this time. You may find yourself hosting parties and dinners with friends and loved ones. Its all about fun. CAPRICORN: Home is where the heart is during this time. You may find yourself doing those home renovations that have been sitting on the back burner. AQUARIUS: Communications of all types take on a much more easy going tone. Others are open to your ideas. Relationships with siblings run smoothly. PISCES: You may be tempted to spend money on things you don't really need. This is a good time for new financial opportunities. Be open to new ideas.

March 2016

HOW CHURCHES MIGHT BE IN 2020 PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: “Amen!” MY SON’S A VET One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.” he stated. “Why, yes,” she replied. “Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed. “Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?” “He’s a veterinarian,” she answered. “That’s an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?” The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.” FATHER OF THE BRIDE The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

25 Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life.” Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said, “My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!” The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence… The Groom! IT’S ALL YOURS Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.” My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.” My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.” The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”. Sarah replies, “Property?… the old guy had a newspaper route!” MARRIAGE COUNSELLING A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.” “He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening. DEERS AND PIGS Take five female pigs, and put them with five male deer. You would have ten sows and bucks.

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Q: How do rabbits travel? A: By hareplane. Q: What is a bunny’s motto? A: Don’t be mad, be hoppy! Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! Q: What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop! Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding? A: On their bunnymoon!

Q: What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A: A hot cross bunny. Q: How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? A: Look for the grey hares Q: Why are rabbits so lucky? A: They have four rabbit’s feet? Q: There is a King, Queen, and two Twins in a room. How are there no adults in the room? A: They’re all beds! Q: What is the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? A: For the bird flu you get tweetment and for the swine flu you receive oinkment.

Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an insect? A: Bugs bunny.

Q: What do trees like to drink? A: A tree’s favourite drink is root beer.

Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A: A receding hare line.

Q: On which side does a Zebra have more stripes? A: On the outside.

March 2016

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HE’S A NERD An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. A computer scientist says; “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!” JUST CAN’T SEEM TO WIN A woman begins to pray, “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes and somebody else wins. She again prays, “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. So, once again, she prays, “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help and I’ve always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the lottery just this one time, so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. She is overwhelmed by the voice of God, Himself. He says, “Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.” BOOMERANG I’d like to buy a new boomerang. Also, I’d like to know how to throw the old one away.

Just for fun, Piffle has repeated the same joke twice to test your observation skills. What joke is repeated in this month’s Piffle? (HINT: The same joke has different titles.)

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE THE LIVING ARCHIVES The Anvil Centre is seeking 12 emerging contemporary visual artists, aged 17–24, to participate in The Living Archive. The New Westminster Museum and Archives houses over 36,000 historical artefacts. This project will bring these objects to life by challenging artists to respond to them with original visual arts-based work. Sculptors, painters, printmakers, photographers, mixed-media artists — all are welcome to apply. The multi-media collective will work collaboratively to put together an exhibition in the Museum’s feature gallery space in June. Artists must be able to commit to all Thursday evening meetings and additional exhibition installation time in June as scheduled. Cindy Mochizuki will be the lead artist for the Living Archive project. Cindy is a multimedia artist working for many years in a range of artistic forms and practices. She has screened her films in Canada, the US, Europe, and Asia and has maintained an active exhibition schedule in Canada and internationally. Since 2004, Cindy has produced public programing including screenings, productions, educational workshops, and interdisciplinary collaborations. This is a unique opportunity to work alongside fellow emerging artists, create in a professional context, and learn valuable new skills and techniques. Participating artists will receive a small honorarium upon completion of the project. Thursday Evenings: April 14 to June 30 Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St, New Westminster To apply, artists must submit the following to Michelle Taylor by Sunday, March 27: 1. A one-page biography that describes your artistic practice, details your performance history, and explains the types of questions you are interested in exploring in future work. 2. Documentation of three past works (max 8MB file size). This can be in any format (photos, video, sound recordings,

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continued on page 29

“Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” ~ Suzanne Collins

28 March Exhibition at The Gallery at Queen's Park New West Artists “Art Squared” . March 2nd - 27th Artist reception March 2th

artscouncilnewwest.org 604.525.3244 New West Craft at River Market March 5th & 19th 11am-4pm

New Westminster Cultural Roundtable March 9 7:-8:30pm at The Gallery at Queen's Park

Gallery Sessions Live Music at The Gallery at Queen’s Park New West Artist “Eden Fine Day” March 23rd, 7 - 8:30 pm

20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. She asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?” “I found the remote,” he said. MOM LIKES HER Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?” “No,” Ron replied. “I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!” “Listen,” his friend suggested, “Why don’t you find one who’s just like your dear ol’ Mother?” Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again. “So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that’s just like your Mother?” Ron shrugged his shoulders, “Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends.” “Excellent!!! So… Are you and this girl engaged yet?” “I’m afraid not,” Ron replied, “My Father can’t stand her!”

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continued from page 27

website, etc.). The quality of the documentation is not as important. Please provide a brief description of each work and any supplemental material you feel is relevant (i.e. lyrics, etc.) 3. A letter of reference from an instructor, mentor, or arts professional. Questions? Contact Michelle Taylor, Heritage Programmer, New Westminster Museum & Archives Phone: 604-515-3829

NEW WESTMINSTER CULTURAL ROUNDTABLE We will be meeting once per month in an effort to break down the silos in the arts community of New Westminster and work to create an action plan to further integrate the arts into the daily lives of the community of New Westminster. This series is a recurring event in 2016 designed to bring together people with an interest in and a passion for the arts. Our purpose is to support the arts community in New Westminster and integrate the arts even deeper into our city’s culture. This event is free and open to everyone. Let’s work together to bring community together through the arts. To register, please go to www.artscouncilnewwest.org/ new-westminster-cultural-roundtable/.

PARKING PERMITS All City residential and visitor parking permits expire on March 31, 2016. Renewal Fee for the year is $5.00 per permit. Please note: ICBC Vehicle Registration must be provided for residential permits and Proof of Residency must be provided for visitor permits. All permits can be renewed at City Hall. Please bring in your existing parking permit hangers when renewing. For more information, please contact the Engineering Department at 604-527-4592.

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30 OPENING FOR HEAD WERE PROGRESSIVE ROCK ARTISTS GARRETT Written by See It Live Canada ean Garrett, lead singer was superb. His flowing vocals and stage charisma added that special element to their music. It’s a bit like Pink Floyd and YES meets RUSH. Frank Baker has an incredible presence on the drums doing these Progressive Rock sets. With Gary Koenig on Bass Guitar and Brian Jones on Lead Guitar. GARRETT’s music is another trip into their world. It’s Hard and Heavy at times and Sean’s stellar vocals keeps you mesmerized. He connects with his fans. We have seen GARRETT several times but it had been a couple of years. We enjoyed every minute!

Sean Garrett and bassist Garry Koenig of Garrett at their recent concert held at the Anza.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

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March 2016

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32 THE COMMODE CAPPER Last week our police station was broken into and the commode was stolen from the rest room. Yesterday the police reported that the investigation is ongoing but they still have nothing to go on. $14 “Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher. “A fight!” answers Frank. FLY HOME A fly was sitting on a completely bald person’s head. Second fly lands there and comments, “Nice, clean home.” First fly says, “This is not a home, it’s just the plot.”

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March 2016

MECHANIC AND SURGEON A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... “Try doing it with the engine running.” APPLES AND COOKIES The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’ THE SILVER PLATE A Mom visits her son for dinner that lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

33 mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.” About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” He said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote: Dear Mother: I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate… But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

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I’m not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom TWO STRINGS Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. “I don’t serve strings in this bar,” the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. “Hey, didn’t you hear what I told your buddy?” the bartender says. “Yeah,” the string says. “Aren’t you a string?” the bartender asks. “I’m a frayed knot,” the string replies.

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SALES: 604-657-5600 EMAIL: info@canengrave.com www.canengrave.com March 2016

THE W.C. An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” (water closet, a euphemism for toilet) around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a “W.C.” around. The (Swiss) schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the (Swiss) parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters “W.C.” and the only solution they could find for the letters was “Wayside Chapel.” The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note: Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can’t attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

35 a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain. Sincerely, The Schoolmaster AT THE GYM A woman on the phone to her friend. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising! I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. AMATEUR COOK MONDAY: Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when my friends came over for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: New salad recipe: prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. This led to the neighbors wondering whey why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out another new recipe on. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to do a Chocolate Moose. GREEN JOKES! Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they’re always a little short. Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold? A: They like to “go” first class! Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

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37 THE CONVERSATION A man was traveling to Vancouver. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into a stall. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, “So how you doing?” The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, “uh....I’m fine.” Then the stranger in the next stall says, “So where are you headed?” Again the man, a little nervous answers, “Uh… I’m heading to Vancouver.” Then the stranger asked, “So what have you been up to?” Again the man answers, “Not much, I’m actually on a business trip.” The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, “Look, I’m going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall thinks I’m talking to him.” MORE GREEN JOKES! Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? A: The Halfback of Notre Dame! Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe? A: Some poor horse is going barefoot! Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? A: St. O'Claus! Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? A: Short ribs! Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? A: To keep from falling in the stew! Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A: Sure, they’re great at shorthand! Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? A: He took a shortcut! Q: What type of bow cannot be tied? A: A rainbow. Q: Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? A: Her red ones were in the wash! Q: What do you call a diseased criminal? A: A leper-con! Q: Where can you always find gold? A: In the dictionary!

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Beware the Private Sale! Have you been approached directly by sweet talking developers, builders, investors or buyers? W illin g to give yo u exactly what you want in cash with the deposit provided w i t h i n h o u r s? T h e prospect of this deal may sound tempting, but do not be fooled. These entrepreneurs are not working for yo u r b e s t i n te r e s t . Sure they may be happy to pay you exactly what you want and yes they will save you the commissions, but how do you know if you are getting the best value for your property?

A licensed Realtor is the best way to make sure that someone is not taking you for a ride. We as licensees have a legal duty to p r ote c t o u r c li e n t s interests and get them the best value for their property. Sure we do have to charge for our services, but usually we are skilled enough to be able to negotiate a price that you are happy with and get paid at the same time. This skill comes with ex p e r i e n c e. I h ave time in and out heard horror stories of how sellers have sold their proper ties for almost HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS less than what they were wor th, sure

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2015

roveenkandola@remax.net

Re/Max Real Estate Services Independently Owned and Operated • N. Tower 410-650 West 41st Ave, Vancouver, BC V5Z 2M9

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Marthe Troly-Curtin

“Let’s Get Ahead Together” HERE IS YOUR CHANCE TO BUILD YOUR OWN DREAM HOME!!! Two lots left to choose from!

Get in while you still can! Pick your own stylings and floor plan in this custom build to suit home in Queensborough. Walking distance to all levels of schools and recreation, your child will not have to cross a road to get to school until they are in grade 10. This home will be approximately 2600sqaure ft on a 4620 sq ft lot (33ft frontage). The basic design concept will be open

concept with options for; Wok Kitchen, stainless steel/built in appliances, theater room, bar room, built in vacuum, built in alarm, Air conditioning, stone features, ceiling drops, fancy lighting features, stone wall features, Rain showers, built in entertainment centers, high efficiency hot water heater, high efficiency radiant floor heat system/high efficiency furnace, HVAC, granite/quartz counter tops, one or two bedroom legal mortgage helper, private fenced yard, vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors, and so much more. Queensborough is a vibrant, close knit community with lots of comfort to offer its residents. Millions have been recently spent on improving the infrastructure and recreation

in the area. With close proximity to all major highways and ease of access to public transit

Any option that you can imagine can be made available if you book this presale now! These homes will have 2-5-10 warranty. makes this community an easy choice for people who may work anywhere within the Lower Mainland. The Queensborough Landing is but a minutes drive away making shopping and the running of most errands an ease. It offers a Walmart Supercenter, Tim Hortons, Boston Pizza, and many other shops/stores for your convenience.

These are not the actual homes, but of designs that may be supported on this lot.

www.RoveenKandola.com Roveen Kandola & Associates 604-644-SOLD (7653)

2015

roveenkandola@remax.net

Re/Max Real Estate Services Independently Owned and Operated • N. Tower 410-650 West 41st Ave, Vancouver, BC V5Z 2M9