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SEPTEMBER 2016 ISSUE #192

TV personality Mike McCardell is keynote speaker at the Seniors Festival. Stories by Lori Pappajohn on pages 14 & 22.

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Page �� 7 The Stigma Attached to Men

Seeking Psychotherapy �� 11 Pictograph by Ross Hood

Puzzle #26 �� 12 A-Maze-In �� 12 Succeeding Despite Setbacks

by Lori Pappajohn �� 14 Fraser Works Hiring Fair �� 17 Horoscopes by Liza �� 17 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 18 Ask An Expert: Dynamic Health

and Fitness �� 20 Senior Festival by

Lori Pappajohn �� 22

Piffle Quiz �� 23 Sargent’s City Scene �� 25 New Westminster Fire and Rescue

Services �� 26 Pictograph by Ross Hood

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Janet Kvammen �� 29 Sargent’s Math Madness �� 30 Math Madness Solution �� 30 Sargent’s Number Blocks �� 30 Number Blocks Solution �� 30 Piffle Quiz Answer �� 31 MLA’s Report by Judy Darcy �� 35

Piffle Business Directory �� 36 The Age of Love �� 37

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY THE NAKED STAGE PRODUCTIONS SOCIETY

RIVERFEST — INSPIRED BY THE FRASER

A new and novel theatre company are premiering their opening play in September. The Naked Stage Productions Society will be performing “Any Wednesday” by Muriel Resnick. It had 694 performances on Broadway in the 1960s and led to a ﬁlm starring Jane Fonda. This play as well as future plays will be performed in a “Readers” format, there are no costumes, props or lighting, only talented actors reading from the play scripts, think old time radio! Play dates are September 16, 17, at 7:30 p.m. and 18th at 2:00 p.m. The theatre is the Newton Cultural Centre, located at 13530 72nd Ave, Surrey. Tickets at Brown Paper Tickets or at the door $15.00.

September 24, 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. 788 Quayside Dr Celebrating BC and World Rivers Day! From city streams to wilderness whitewater, be inspired by the river at this fun ﬁlled celebration of BC and World Rivers Day. Enjoy artistic and environmental displays, live entertainment, harbour tours, kids activities and the famous Lucille Johnstone workboat parade at Riverfest.

Contact 604-521-8401 or email Events@FraserRiverDiscovery.org. The Society plans on a performance every 2 months and will consider local or other Canadian playwrights. The goal of Society is to establish COUNCIL OF WOMEN MEET scholarships for Surrey drama students in 2017. The New Westminster Council of Women will meet September 28 from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. in the Auditoriam of the New Westminster Public Library. Reports will be given from the National Council of Women Conference in Saskatoon. Contact: Florence Erwin, President. 604-524-2459.

THE AGE OF LOVE The ﬁlm The Age of Love is being shown at the Seniors Festival at Century House Saturday, October 1. It follows the humorous and poignant adventures of 30 seniors who sign up for a speed dating event exclusively for 70- to 90-year-olds. From anxious anticipation through the dates that follow, it’s an unexpected tale of intrepid seniors who lay their hearts on the line. Born in the years before WWII, these typically-overlooked seniors are spurred to confront the realities of physical appearance, romance and loneliness, loss and new beginnings. An 81-year-old bodybuilding champ, divorced since his ﬁfties, imagines someone new by his side; a skydiving widow dulls her loss by pursuing younger men; a grandmother and online-dating addict searches the web LANTERN FESTIVAL IN THE BORO for Mr. Right; a romantic 79-year-old discards his portable oxygen for a Sunday, September 18, 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. sunset tango on the beach; a 1940s movie Port Royal Park, Queenborough fanatic who escaped an abusive marriage Join us in celebrating the mid-autumn festival, a popular harvest festival still seeks her ‘Fred and Ginger’ romance. celebrated in Chinese and Vietnamese cultures. Create a beautiful lantern under the full moon light while feasting on traditional moon cakes and Playful and revealing, wise and inspiring, our senior daters entertain and enlighten connecting with neighbours. Free Event. Info: 604-525-7388. with a candor that puts media stereotypes to shame.

SALVATION ARMY COMMUNITY BLOCK PARTY

Everyone is invited to a community block party at the Salvation Army, The ﬁlm takes viewers where no documen326 Sixth Street, New Westminster, on Saturday, September 18 from tary has gone before — directly into the lives of older singles who still yearn to be seen and 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. understood, who still desire another’s touch, Music, games, face painting for the children, and food. All are welcome! who seek a new chance at love.

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM 981 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster | 604-523-6767 “Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr

MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE UNTO THE LORD This past Sunday Mary Ellen and Elisabeth went to the 10:30 AM service and the new pastor was long winded and his sermon was quite long. After the service was finally over, Mary Ellen said to Elisabeth, “The sermon was beautiful don’t you think?”. Elisabeth replied “Oh yes it was, but a bit too long. Next week I’m bringing my cushion to sit on, these benches are too hard.” She continued to say, “You know Mary Ellen at one point during the sermon I thought my butt went to sleep.” Mary Ellen said, “I know, I heard it snore three times.” TWO BROTHERS Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, “Where is God?” The boy just sits there and doesn’t answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, “Where is God?” The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn’t answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse and practically shouts “Where is God?” To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shuts the door and

pants, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!” THE NEW PASTOR A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.” NO QUITE A TWEET Well the last time I Tweeted, I was disqualified because Twitter said it was a chirp! THE BUTCHER DANCE A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the “Butcher Dance.” “Butcher Dance? What’s that?” he asks. “What? You no see the Butcher Dance?” “No, I’ve never heard of it.” Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the “Butcher Dance” to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher

w w w. b uy va n co uve rh o m es .c a Rove e n K a n d o l a & A s s o ci ate s R e / M ax R e a l E s tate S e r vi ce s • I n d e p e n d e ntly O wn e d a n d O p e r ate d • N . Towe r 41 0 – 6 5 0 We s t 41 s t Ave

Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them. After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance. Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, “Maybe you can see it the next time.” “Well, when will you hold the next dance,” the researcher asks. “Not ‘til next year.” “Couldn’t you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?” “No,” was the reply. “The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year.” The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out. A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!”

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New Westminster’s Sean Garrett and his band, Garrett, are excited to announce their return to the Columbia Theatre for a hometown show after a year playing at various Vancouver live music venues.

“Life is short, the art long.” ~ Hippocrates

JESUS IS WATCHING A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

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WAKE UP SON Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.“ “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

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THE STIGMA ATTACHED TO MEN SEEKING PSYCHOTHERAPY By Keith Norris, Registered Therapeutic Counsellor

s the suicide rate for middle aged white males rises, one looks to dispel the stigma attached to seeking help from a Mental Health Professional. Men have a hard time stopping to ask directions let alone asking for help from a Counsellor; the result is a significant and lasting effect on their well-being. Increasingly, studies show that men who equate seeking psychotherapy with weakness, or feel that it demonstrates an inability to handle their problems, experience more trouble in the long run. They suffer trouble in relationships with their significant others, have a higher likelihood of substance abuse or “numbing” behaviour and risk earlier death. “This inability, reluctance or straight-up unwillingness to get help can harm men’s own mental and physical health, and can make life more difficult for their friends and families”- says Jill Berger, PhD, who studies the psychology of masculinity. Over the past several decades, surveys and contextual studies show that men of all ages and ethnicities are far less likely than women to seek help. Between women and men seeking counselling for similar problems such as substance abuse, depression or stress; less than a third were the men. It’s not just the aforementioned stigma; part of the problem is with the convention of therapy itself. Of all the different methods of psychotherapy available to clients, there is no empirically validated model spe-

TOUGH TEACHER A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

11 cific to men. Traditionally mental health professionals are trained to provide reflective, emotionally focused and feeling orientated exploration which may not engage male clients. The savvier Counsellors and Therapists will integrate strategies in their therapeutic process that will resonate with men better; yet still lead them to important goals such as emotional awareness. This in turn allows more meaningful communication with their partners who can offer the continuing support. So what do we do to help dispel the stigma? Firstly, individual men need to realize that they are not alone if they are suffering with depression, grief, adverse childhood experience, trauma, anxiety or other issues. It’s normal! Secondly, we need to remember the security of absolute confidentiality. This is especially important when considering those cultures in which admitting to having mental health issues can lead to loss of social status in their community. Thirdly, is by offering positive encouragement. All too often I get a new male Client who sits across from me, begrudgingly; their spouse has sent them usually as some sort of ultimatum or last ditch effort to salvage a relationship. The intent is sincere but you can’t force someone into therapy. Lastly, remember the reality; it’s an empowering move to ask for help; to gain knowledge and make healthy decisions for ourselves. Just like visiting with a personal trainer, working on our mental health is a status symbol that represents success, strength and courage. There is no shame in wanting to be the best you can… right?

NICE PERFUME On a flight, a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him. “Nice perfume… which brand is it? I want to gift it to my wife.” Lady replies, “Don’t give it to her, some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!” LIGHT BULB CHANGE Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One but the light bulb really has to really want to change.

“Every day brings new choices.” ~ Martha Beck

12 PIFFLE’S

BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC!

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Eva Gálvez (Aux. Captain) Pastor / Corps Officer Church Line Cell

604-521-0363 604-830-0157

Eva_Galvez@can.salvationarmy.org The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster

PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #26

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “COOL CLEAR WATER” 12 5

14 7

15 15 3

6 2

Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle. September 2016

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TEENS AND CATS For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.” A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

DRUMMERS A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

FREE PHOTO Q: How do you get a family photo taken if you can’t afford to buy one? A: Sit the family in the front seat and run a red light.

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. DEER CROSSING A new neighbour called the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

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Gift Certificates available “Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive.” ~ Matt Cameron

Mike McCardell on the beat… collecting fascinating tales for TV.

SUCCEEDING DESPITE SETBACKS

ell-known TV personality Mike McCardell was a failure at school. Pretty much an absolute failure. He could barely read, let alone write. He was one of those kids who was pushed along from grade to grade in Queens in New York City where he grew up. By Grade 12 the dyslexic student found himself in a class very similar to the TV show Welcome Back Kotter. While some Grade 12 classes were honing students towards trades or distinguished professions, Mike McCardell’s class was a holding pen. “This was a class that doesn’t graduate,” he said. The teacher would bring to class New York tabloids which had short stories written in simple language. Mike McCardell loved the crime articles. Crime scenes, the Mafia, accidents — he was bitten by the bug — he wanted to be a reporter. “I knew I wanted to meet TwoFinger Luis,” he says. September 2016

by Lori Pappajohn

In those days reporters didn’t write. They simply went to the crime scene and then phoned in what they saw from a phone booth — the perfect job for someone who couldn’t write. “I’d go see the mobster shot in the bellybutton and call the story in. The writer would ask me questions such as how many bullet holes he had and I’d tell them. The writer would be sitting there with their headset on, taking down the information, smoking a cigar and having a whiskey bottle in their drawer.” Eventually newspapers decided to turn the reporters into writers and that’s when Mike McCardell ran into trouble — having to write. “Slowly I learned, but it was unbearably painful.” And then he found his niche on TV where he never had to write a single word. For four decades Mike McCardell has entertained BC television news viewers with fascinating and quirky | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

15 tales — fun stories, sober stories, stories that makes us pause, think, chuckle or shed a tear. Over the years he has amassed a substantial following. Three years ago Global Television wanted a new look. “I was told they were going in a new direction and I wasn’t part of it.” Just like that his job of 37 years was up. “I was out in the parking lot dazed,” he recalls. But not to be defeated, within the month Mike McCardell was back on the air — this time at CTV. Mike McCardell is the keynote speaker at the New Westminster Seniors Festival Saturday, October 1 at 12:30 p.m. at Century House. A senior himself, the 72-year-old has learned life’s many lessons through his stories on others. No matter how old we are, we can make our lives meaningful and joyful. Mike McCardell recalls doing a story about a 10-yearold autistic boy fishing at Trout Lake which has no fish. Mike McCardell asked the boy if he’d caught anything yet. The boy said no. But he added: “I believe you can do anything you want if you believe it.” That struck a chord with Mike McCardell. “For my job I have to find a story every day. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s not. I wondered what would happen if, every day, I said ‘I believe I will find a story.’ At the time I didn’t believe it, but I said it anyway.” Amazingly it worked — Mike McCardell began consistently finding stories. “Just saying it changes something,” says Mike McCardell. “I say it about my health and generally I’m as healthy as can be. I say I believe I will have a good day. You might not change reality, but you change the perception of it. And it doesn’t cost anything to say it.” Mike McCardell also adds this advice for seniors: “If you like what you are doing, you will feel good. If you don’t like it, you will feel miserable. And if you don’t like what you are doing — change it. It’s not easy, but you can change things. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it’s all true.” Mike McCardell is the author of numerous bestselling essay collections. His latest book None of This Was Planned, comes out in October. As an aside, Mike McCardell notes that Welcome Back Kotter was written by a student of one of those New York City Grade 12 ‘holding pen’ classes. Obviously that student was successful. “Maybe they just misjudged us all,” he says.

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FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR 1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?” 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!” 3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly. 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral 7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!” 8. Meow occasionally. 9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it. 10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.” CLEVER DOG A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded, But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!

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FRASER WORKS CO-OP TO HOST MULTI-EMPLOYER HIRING FAIR TO HELP JOB SEEKERS

raser Works Co-op, New Westminster, BC’s WorkBC Employment Services Centre, is hosting a free multi-employer job fair. This special event is designed to help minimize unemployment rates by connecting job seekers and employers in person. This event will be held at Fraser Works Co-op located on the second floor of 519 Seventh Street in New Westminster on September 15, 2016 from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. This will be the fifth multi-employer hiring event hosted by Fraser Works Co-op in New Westminster. “Each job fair we see significant growth in attendance, both from employers and attendees. The first job fair we held, nearly 450 people attended and we had 10 participating employers; we are expecting to see a high number of people attend this time. This Hiring Fair is open to anyone seeking a job, including Refugees, Immigrants, Aboriginals, persons with Disabilities and Multiple Barriers, Youth, Mature Workers, Francophones, Single Parents and so forth,” says Tracey Fraser, General Manager of Fraser Works Co-op in New Westminster. It is an ideal opportunity for job seekers to meet face to face with employers. You can tell a lot more about an employer/applicant from a brief three minute conversation. In today’s technology age, where most job seekers apply through an applicant tracking system, there is very little opportunity to meet in person. This Hiring Fair is there to counter exactly that! ABOUT FRASER WORKS CO-OP Fraser Works is a non-profit organisation who provides all employment related supports to residents of New Westminster. This program is operated under the auspices of WorkBC Employment Program, which is a free service, funded by the Provincial and Federal Governments. Some of the many services and supports include: workshops for job search, Training, Wage Subsidy, Job Placements, Self Employment and supports are available for anyone needing specialised employment services. Check out Fraser Works Co-op, visit www.fraserworks.ca. For further information about this event, please contact Brian Hunjan, Event Organizer at 604-522-9701 or email brianh@fraserworks.ca.

CALL LIZA

for your personalized reading today!

778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA

SEPTEMBER 2016

ARIES: If you are looking for love/romance, this month you just may find it. It's a great month for fun and entertainment. Your creative side comes out to play.

TAURUS: Quiet time at home will do you a world of good during this time. Relations with parents goes well. Redecorating the home will do you a world of good. GEMINI: Communications of all types really picks up speed. Your eloquent in with your speech. You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your daily life. CANCER: Keep those credit cards at home. Your urge to spend will be great during this time. However, any financial negotiations will go extremely well. LEO: Your looking fabulous during this time and others are noticing. Expressing yourself will come with the greatest of ease. Compromise will work to your benefit. VIRGO: You may be called upon to take care of a loved one during this time. However, do not fall into the negative trap of being a martyr. You have much love to give. LIBRA: Friends and group associations will take up most of your time during this month. Start dreaming of what you want for the future; these dreams will manifest very soon. SCORPIO: Authority figures will see you in a good light during this time. Hand out those resumes if need be. A love relationship with someone older may manifest. SAGITTARIUS: Check your passport and make sure all documents are in order as travel may come up. A good time to start writing that book you have been thinking about. CAPRICORN: Money may come to you through family or business associates. Your sexual nature is turned up a notch so go after the one you want. AQUARIUS: Partnerships of the business and personal nature will thrive during this time. You will understand the needs of your partner and give them what they need. PISCES: A great time for self expression and pouring energy into your creative side. Relations with children and friends go ever so smoothly.

Do you have a joke you want to share? Submit them at www.piffle.ca/contact

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH Q: Why did nose not want to go to school? A: He was tired of getting picked on! Q: What is a Cheerleader’s favorite food? A: Cheerios! Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A: A tuba toothpaste. Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? A: Because he wasn’t peeling well! Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? A: To go with the traffic jam! Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit? A: Fingernails.

Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The elf-abet!

Q: When is a baby good at basketball? A: When it’s dribbling!

Q: What did one eye say to the other?

A: Between you and me, something smells. Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby? A: He was a little hoarse. Q: What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

A: Some day my prints will come. Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A: A stick.

Q: What did my mom say when she caught me painting a Valentine’s Day card? A: “I caught you red-handed!” ~ Submitted by Ana Maria Constantinescu

Q: What do elves learn at school? A: Elf-abet. ~ Submitted by Singh Sonia

September 2016

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part

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(Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”

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“Only you can control your future.” ~ Dr. Seuss

Much of the fat from adipose tissue (which is primarily used during exercise) is lost in the hours following exercise. The amount of fat lost after a workout depends on the exercise intensity during the workout. Interval training (exercise at a moderate to high intensity with short rests in between sets)

It is often assumed and maybe a myth that low-intensity exercises such as yoga and walking are good for burning fat. However, since the number of calories used per minute is much greater at a moderate to high intensity exercises than at a lower intensity exercises, the total number of fat calories expended during a moderate- to high-intensity workout is much greater than it is during a low-intensity workout of the same duration!

Exercises that incorporate multiple muscle groups and are weight bearing (functional training) burn more calories per minute and are therefore better suited for fat loss than nonweight-bearing activities such as yoga and walking that do not use many muscles.

his is probably one of the most popular questions we get day in and day out, month in and month out — you get the point! There is not one “best way” to lose fat. Each person responds differently to different training programs and different scenarios, however personal trainers can apply different principles and techniques when designing their clients’ programs.

2. EATING MORE PROTEIN HELPS TO REDUCE BELLY FAT! Protein is the most important macronutrient when it comes to losing weight — bar none! It has been shown to reduce food cravings by up to 60% and boost your metabolism by 80-100 calories per day, as well you eat up to 400-500 fewer calories per day!! If your goal is to lose weight or “belly fat” then adding protein to your meals is the single most effective change you can do. Not only will protein help you lose weight but it can also help you avoid re-gaining the weight you have lost if you ever decide to abandon your weight loss efforts!

1. DON’T EAT (ADDED) SUGAR AND AVOID SUGAR-SWEETENED BEVERAGES! Added sugar in anything is extremely unhealthy! Sugar is half glucose, half fructose… and fructose can only be metabolized by the liver in any significant amount. When you eat a lot of refined sugar, the liver gets flooded with fructose, and is forced to turn it all into fat. Studies have shown that excess sugar, mostly due to the large amounts of fructose can lead to increased accumulation of fat in the belly Liquid sugar (soda pop) is even worse in this regard. Liquid calories do not make you full in the same way as eating something, so when you drink sugar-sweetened beverages, you end up eating way more total calories then what you would eat! An alarming thing is studies show that sugar-sweetened beverages are linked to a 60% increased risk of obesity in children — so please remember this the next time your child asks for a pop!

My top 6 (evidence-based) ways to lose belly fat:

There are actually a few proven strategies that have been shown to target the fat in the belly area more than other areas of the body.

Overweight does not necessarily equal unhealthy. There are actually plenty of overweight people who are in excellent health! However it’s the fat in the abdominal cavity, the belly fat, that causes the biggest issues. If you have a lot of excess fat around your waistline, even if you’re not very heavy or overweight then you should take some steps to get rid of it.

and strength training results in more fat loss than either exercise done alone.

6. TRACK YOUR FOODS — WHAT AND HOW MUCH ARE YOU REALLY EATING? What is the saying “You are What You Eat!” Unfortunately most people do not have a clue what they are really eating! People always tend to think they are eating healthy — “high protein”, “low fat” — whatever, generally speaking people always tend to over- or underestimate. what they are actually

5. AEROBIC EXERCISE IS (VERY) EFFECTIVE AT REDUCING BELLY FAT Aerobic exercise is important for various reasons and obviously there is a ton of health benefits linked to aerobic exercise, however it may be the best for reducing “belly fat!” However… keep in mind that I’m not talking about abdominal exercises here. Spot reduction (losing fat in one spot) or doing endless amount of sit-ups is not possible and will not make you lose fat from the belly. Aerobic exercise has been shown to cause major reductions in belly fat in numerous studies. (see above)

This gel can dramatically slow down the movement of food through your stomach and slow down the digestion and absorption of nutrients which results in a feeling of fullness and reduced appetite. By just adding an additional 10–14 grams of fiber per day to your diet you may decrease your calorie intake up to 10% which could lead to 5lbs lost over a few months! As well eating an extra 10 grams of soluble fiber per day may lead to reducing harmful “belly fat”. The best way to get more fiber in your diet is to eat a lot of plant foods like vegetables and fruit. Many different beans or legumes are also a good source, as well as some cereals like oats (without the added sugar!).

4. EAT FOODS HIGH IN FIBER! It is often claimed that eating plenty of fiber can help with weight loss. This is very true, however it’s important to keep in mind that not all fiber is created equal! Viscous fibers (fibers that bind water and form a thick gel that “sits” in the gut) can have an effect on your weight loss.

are also numerous studies comparing low-carb and low-fat diets, showing that low-carb diets specifically target the fat in the belly and around the organs and liver which obviously is very important (see above).

What Is the Best Way to Lose Body Fat?

3. CUT (REFINED) CARBS FROM YOUR DIET Carbohydrate restriction is a very effective way to lose fat! Simply put when people cut carbs, their appetite goes down and over time studies have now shown that low-carb diets lead to 2-3 times more weight loss than low-fat diets. Just avoiding the refined carbs (white breads, pastas, etc) should be sufficient, especially if you keep your protein high. There

eating or the amount of what they are eating. If anyone is really looking to lose weight or re-vamp their diet, tracking what they are eating is essential and it does not have to be forever it will just give you a realistic idea of what and how much you are really eating on a daily basis and then you can make changes or adjustments accordingly to reach your dietary goals.

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Both strength training (weights, machines) and endurance/ aerobic training (running) have been shown to decrease body fat percentage, however aerobic training (swimming, walking, running) have a greater impact on fat loss than strength training alone but a combination of endurance

is a great way to decrease overall body fat.

No kissing the paid entertainment — that’s what Patti Jackson is telling friend Josie Muise regarding Clayton Owens aka Rod Stewart. He’s performing at the Seniors Festival October 1 — a day jam-packed with informative talks, booths and fun entertainment.

SENIORS FESTIVAL Story and Photo by Lori Pappajohn H ang onto your seats seniors because the city’s Seniors Festival is coming your way and you’ll be swamped with just about everything you ever wanted to know about being a senior. This year’s festival, which is free and open to the public, is Saturday, October 1 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. at Century House. The theme is Seniors Rock… New West — and rock they do! More than ever, seniors are living longer and healthier which means they have more years to rock ’n roll. And it also means there are more support services to help seniors roll smoothly through their later years. And you can find out about these services at the festival. Expect door prizes, giveaways, information booths, fun entertainment and informative presentations. Keynote speaker this year is renowned TV reporter Mike McCardell, a senior himself. He’ll be speaking at 12:30 p.m. inspiring seniors to live a full and happy life. September 2016

You’ll also want to hear physiotherapist Dean Smith talk regarding the secrets to Healthy Aging. Dean’s background is theatre — so you know his talk will be fun. Other talks include avoiding fraud, living with tinnitus as well as financial planning for one’s later years. The entertainment follows the Seniors Rock theme. Both Elvis Presley (Brian Simpson) and Rod Stewart (Clayton Owen known as Really Rod) will be on hand performing fun mini concerts in the morning and afternoon. There is so much at this event that you will want to spend several hours there. So make plans to stay for lunch which is both delicious and affordable. Be sure to catch the 2 p.m. showing of the film The A ge of Love. The film features seniors 70 to 90 years old speed dating and then follows the 30 participants as they go on real dates in search of true love. With sensitivity, the documentary explores love, hope,

dreams and sexuality in one’s older years. Between entertainment, the speakers and lunch, visit some of the 36 information booths which feature everything from the Alzheimer’s Society to BC Centre for Palliative Care, Seniors Gay Straight Alliance, Gastrointestinal Society, Western Institute for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing and Sapperton Old Age Pensioners Association. Businesses with booths include: Nurse Next Door, Safe Care Home Support as well as Assistive Listening Device System. The event, which has been running annually for several decades, attracts more than 600 people. Park for free at New Westminster Secondary School and take the shuttle to Century House courtesy of the Senior Services Society. The festival is planned and coordinated by the city’s Seniors Advisory Committee with sponsorship from Queens Park Health Care and Sunquest Mobility. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

TRYING ON A DRESS Customer: I’d like to try that dress in the window. Assistant: I’m sorry madam, I’m afraid you’ll have to use the fitting room, like everybody else. SÉANCE A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a séance. Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband’s voice was heard answering, “Hello Margaret, this is meeee…” “Fred,” she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the afterlife. What’s it like there?” “Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined,” Fred answered. “The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over.” “Thank God, you made it to heaven,” his wife cried. “Heaven,” he answered. “What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Alberta.” I’LL BE RIGHT BACK DEAR An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?” To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going,” she says. The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

Besides their stunning good looks, what do this month’s featured poet, Trevor Carolan and Piffle Publisher Chris Sargent have in common? “Life’s too short to wear high heels.” ~ Eva Green

A DUCK WALKS INTO A PUB A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.” “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck. “And you can talk,” exclaims the bartender. “I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?” “Certainly, sorry about that” says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.” The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

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September 2016

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The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!” “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.” So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.” “I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” says the bartender. “The circus,” repeats the duck. “That’s right,” replies the bartender. “The circus,” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?” “Yeah,” the bartender replies. “With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS,” says the duck. “Of course,” the bartender replies. “And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle,” persists the duck. “That’s right,” says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, “What would they want with a plasterer?!” OLD PALS Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.” “Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?” “Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE

Action from the alumni touch football competition.

HYACKS FOOTBALL HOMECOMING 2016

by Don Hauka heck out “New Look, New Ground, New West” at Hyacks Football Homecoming 2016. Shiny new playing field, spiffy new uniforms and the same great community celebration. Come help us show off the new turf at Mercer Stadium at Hyack Football 2016 Homecoming and check out the Varsity team’s new uniforms as we celebrate “New Look, New Ground, New West” on September 23. This Royal City tradition kicks off at 4:00 p.m. with the Alumni Football Game. Pre-game family-fun starts at 4:30 p.m. and features on-field kids’ activities like the bouncy castle and football toss. You can also buy a raffle ticket for a chance to win a car provided by event sponsor Key West Ford. The new Hyacks uniforms (silver/gun metal jerseys with white pants) will take centre stage under the lights as the Varsity squad take on the Carson Graham Eagles when the game kicks off at 7:30 p.m. You can check for updates on the Homecoming 2016 Facebook event page at www.facebook.com/ events/871257339647592/ The Hyacks Football Program is based on the pursuit of excellence on the field, in the classroom and in the community. It’s exemplified by the marquee of

“I wish I had a funny story.” ~ Leslie Easterbrook

continued on page 26

continued from page 25

STOP THE SPREAD Firewall and fire separations are there to prevent fire, heat, and smoke from spreading beyond the location of the fire’s origin. Firewalls are requirements of the BC Building Code to subdivide buildings into separate fire areas. They are used to subdivide units in an apartment/condo, electrical rooms, garages, etc. These walls contain the fire from spreading, which maintains the building structure and minimizes destruction. Fire separations act as barriers. Fire separation needs to be maintained where it abuts another fire separation, a floor, a ceiling, a roof, or an exterior wall assembly. Both of these types of fire stops reduce the fuel available in the initial stages of a fire with the intent to lessen the severity of the fire and

allowing sufficient time for occupants to evacuate the building and thereby aiding the firefighting and rescue operations.

BRITISH COLUMBIA FIRE CODE 2012 SECTION 2.2: Fire Separations 2.2.1.2: Damage to Fire Separations 1) Where fire separations are damaged so as to affect their integrity, they shall be repaired so that the integrity of the fire separation is maintained New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

September 2016

Homecoming tug-of-war features Mayor Cote et al, the “City Haullers, losing in the final to the New Westminster & District Labour Council Team, “More than they bargained for.”

the annual Homecoming Game. Capture the spirit this September 23 at Mercer Stadium. For more information on Homecoming 2016 or to become a sponsor, please contact Brenda Rathjen, Homecoming Coordinator, Brenda.rathjen@gov.bc.ca, 604-831-1217.

CITY GRANTS INFORMATION SESSION

September 22, 6:00 p.m., 7:30 p.m., Century House his information session is for any groups interested in reapplying for a City grant or interested in applying for the first time. The City currently has 8 grant categories including: 1. Festival Event Grant 5. Arts & Culture Grant 2. Heritage Grant 6. Child Care Grant 3. Environmental Grant 7. City Partnership Grant 4. Community Grant 8. Amateur Sports Grant

Attendees are encouraged to review the application forms and bring questions for open discussion. This session is not mandatory for grant applicants and is open to anyone so feel free to bring staff, board members or other volunteers. Registration is FREE but requested in advance so we can plan room set-up and refreshments accordingly. Have any specific questions? Consider emailing them to rcampbell@newwestcity.ca in advance of the session. City Grants Information Session — Registration Code # 153326. Register www.onlineca.activecommunities.com/ NWPR/Activities/ActivitiesAdvSearch.asp or call 604-515-3821 for more information. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

/FraserWorksESC

The Employment Program of British Columbia is funded by the Government of Canada and the Province of B.C.

Where: 519 7th St, New Westminster When: Thursday, September 15th from 11.00am to 3.00pm

Prepare for success and to win! Bring your résumé, your smile, personality & dress professionally!

FEATURED EMPLOYERS and more…

BIG JERKS Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!” MARJIE Mother: Did you behave well in church today, Marjie? Marjie: I certainly did. A nice man offered me a plate full of money, and I said, “No thank you.” PULL NELLIE, PULL BUSTER An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!” DEAR JOHN, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery. I ONLY HAVE ICE FOR YOU Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids.

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We have many styles available and can even produce custom shapes and sizes. A wide variety of colours and materials are available. Durable inks for imprinting your logo. We have a wide range of colour options available Traditional Finish - Metallic Finish. Laser Cut / Engraved Room Numbers/Identification Signs A variety of colours, typestyles and sizes available. Including 3D lettering.

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AUTO WASH STARTING AT

SALES: 604-657-5600 EMAIL: info@canengrave.com www.canengrave.com September 2016

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STUPID SOCCER COMMENTARY Actual remarks made by soccer commentators: 1. Well, it’s Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I’ve got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it’s a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn’t here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

SOLUTION TO PUZZLE #25 PICTOGRAPH B Y R O S S H O O D 2

5 10 11 13

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Laying New Roof

Start at the bottom. Work up. The covered layer grows imperceptibly; sandpaper shingles interlap fi ngers worn shiny as leather. Working danger height not looking down much at the ground getting over the willies cussing slivers and rotten base wood. Ladders creak beneath the weight of bundled roof-tile humped up by hand, scoring a fella’s ribs when he swings ‘em wide around on the last rung for ferrying upward. We work in noonday sun, whistling at girls walking by below like endless summers back in the Sixties — navvying, mixing mud and packing concrete blocks by hand, building towns out in the Fraser Valley. A man feels good slithering over the roof hoping not to break his bones, cheating the steepness with braces made of two by four, and rope scooting spiderways, down low ass of his pants burning, scalding like hot tar tile. My buddy up on top stands tall like John the Baptist, looks out over the town, new roof sleek around him, a masterpiece. Kicks out the cramps in knees and thighs, sitting cock-a-doodle on the apex. At three o’clock we hit the shade The women fetch out beer and watermelon: Hey Sweaty Man, Gimme a hug! Working hard up there? Back on the roof my old man cusses, hammering away, saying Nothing a woman loves more’n a handy man. Bam! Watch him nail those suckers down, steady labour done right; careful of step all day working partners with the roof, knowing that the job gets done slowly.

11 1 1

10 2 4

NEW WESTMINSTER COUNCIL OF WOMEN Serving in the community for 117 years. Lobbies government on issues affecting women and families such as Health, Safety, Environment, Education, Seniors, and more. For more information, contact Florence Erwin, erwinf@shaw.ca.

Trevor Carolan began writing for The New Westminster Columbian at age seventeen. His many books include non-fiction, poetry, translation, a novel, and anthologies. The International Editor of Pacific Rim Review of Books, he teaches English and Writing at UFV. His recent work The Literary Storefront recalls Vancouver’s vibrant ar ts scene of the 1970s-8 0s. Powerground, his new Eco-Lit documentary fi lm interviews renowned West Coast writers and artists and was received enthusiastically at its European premiere. His latest book New World Dharma (SUN Y Press), collects his inter views and encounters with renowned Buddhist writers, teachers and leaders from the past 25 years.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.poeticjusticenewwest.org and www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

“Living well is the best revenge.” ~ George Herbert

MATH MADNESS

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!

HELPFUL HOTEL STAFF On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, “Hey! What are you doing in here!?” The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE September 2016

SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

A ROUND OF GOLF Three men went out to play a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses tee’d off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie. Jesus tee’d off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie. Lastly the old man tee’d off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in it’s mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one. Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, “Dad, if you don’t quit playing like that, we’re not going to bring you anymore.” STANLEY CUP FINALS A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. “No,” said Fred, “sit right down. The seat will be empty.” “That’s incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?” Fred said, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago.” “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take her seat?” Fred shook his head sadly. “No. They’re all at the funeral.” CALLING IN SICK Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

604-517-1230

oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster

Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM

As teenagers in the 1960s, they were both reporters for the Columbian Newspaper.

“Too much agreement kills a chat.” ~ Eldridge Cleaver

DOGS CHANGING A LIGHT BULB… • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? • Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. • Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! • Rottweiler: Make me. • Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. • Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! • German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. • Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture. • Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb? • Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. • Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there… • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? • Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. • The Cat’s Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question iSupport: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? SIGNS • Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW • In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD • In a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINE SUPPORT: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT • In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

LEGION NO.2 MEAT BINGO THURS AT 6PM

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Royal Canadian Legion No.2, 604-522-4522

MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME!

September 2016

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• In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS • Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING — BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? • Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS • Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR • Notice in a farmer’s field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. • Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS • On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR — THE BELL DOESN’T WORK) A LITTLE AIRSICK A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong meanlooking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

NEW MEMBERS WELCOME!

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We are Open and have a for the duration of the Front St. Mews project. 649 Front St (Corner of McKenzie St) New Westminster, BC 604-540-8907 | www.winefactory.ca Call toon check onPB road and parking conditions during the ongoing roadwork. continued page

“After all is said and done, sit down.” ~ Bill Copeland

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September 2016

ICE FISHING There were two good ol’ boys from warmer climes who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they’d heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their bait and tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.” He sold him the picks, and the good ol’ boy left. In about an hour, he was back at the shop again and said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The shop owner couldn’t believe it. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not to good. We ain’t go the boat in the water yet.” DOG PILE Q: What do you call a pile of dogs? A: A ruff terrain. JOKE BACKFIRES A preacher, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

35 MLA’S REPORT By Judy Darcy

ot a day goes by that I don’t hear from people who are struggling with housing affordability. It’s not always the first issue they raise with me. Sometimes it’s being unable to buy necessary prescription drugs or a coat for their child. But the high cost of housing plays a major role in their troubles. Nearly everyone is affected by the housing affordability crisis — from renters to first-time homebuyers, seniors to young families. I believe that government can make a difference by regulating the speculative housing market, investing in affordable housing, and supporting seniors’ services. The City of New Westminster has taken action to protect rental stock and create affordable housing, but senior levels of government need act. We also need to implement the changes to the Residential Tenancy Act, such as protecting renters from renovictions and closing the loophole on one year tenancies. You likely know that the provincial government introduced some knee-jerk legislation this summer after

the Official Opposition, throughout the spring legislative session, proposed more solutions, supported by experts, which would effectively address the housing speculation that is happening in the region. Working families shouldn’t be forced to move out of New Westminster to find housing that meets their needs. But that is exactly what’s happening. I am holding a Townhall on Housing Affordability on September 8 at 7:00 p.m. We will be gathering at Douglas College in Lecture Theatre N2201. I want to hear your stories about how the housing affordability crisis is affecting you and your family. We will also discuss potential solutions. The keynote speaker will be David Eby, Opposition Spokesperson for Housing. We will also have Mayor Jonathan Cote and Brian Dodd from Seniors Services Society on the panel. We have limited space so please RSVP by calling my constituency office at 604-775-2101. The event is wheelchair accessible. If you require childminding, please let my constituency assistants know when you register. By working together, we can keep New Westminster the strong resilient community that we love! I hope to see you there.

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

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S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL

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ADVICE ON ALL MATTERS OF LIFE. TARO PALM CARDS READING

BUSINESS DIRECTORY

325 6th Street New Westminster, BC Tel: 604-521-0363 Service at 11am See you at church!

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Mount Calvary Lutheran Church 701 - 6th St, New Westminster Divine Service & Sunday School: 11:00 am Sundays

Regular Sunday Service at 11am

Tel: 604-521-2007

Knox Presbyterian Church

403 E Columbia St, New West The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster

September 2016

Merry Maids is a growing business and needs hard working, trustworthy, and dedicated friendly staff. Completive wages offered. Apply at #426-604 Columbia St, New West

New Westminster Join Us Sundays: 4:00 pm

726 12th Street (Near 8th Avenue)

604.299.9538 info@lhohcf.ca lhohcf.ca We are a multi-cultural community church where everyone is welcome— AND WE REALLY MEAN IT!

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

THE AGE OF LOVE

he film The Age of Love is being shown at the Seniors Festival at Century House Saturday, October 1. It follows the humorous and poignant adventures of 30 seniors who sign up for a speed dating event exclusively for 70- to 90-year-olds. From anxious anticipation through the dates that follow, it’s an unexpected tale of intrepid seniors who lay their hearts on the line. Born in the years before WWII, these typically-overlooked seniors are spurred to confront the realities of physical appearance, romance and loneliness, loss and new beginnings. An 81-year-old bodybuilding champ, divorced since his fifties, imagines someone new by his side; a skydiving widow dulls her loss by pursuing younger men; a grandmother and online-dating addict searches the web for Mr. Right; a romantic 79-year-old discards his portable oxygen for a sunset tango on the beach; a 1940s movie fanatic who escaped an abusive marriage still seeks her ‘Fred and Ginger’ romance. Playful and revealing, wise and inspiring, our senior daters entertain and enlighten with a candor that puts media stereotypes to shame. The film takes viewers where no documentary has gone before — directly into the lives of older singles who still yearn to be seen and understood, who still desire another’s touch, who seek a new chance at love.

THE SMART MONKEYS A man goes into a pet store looking for a monkey. “I don’t want any old monkey,” he says to the store owner, “I want one that can do something special.” The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. “The one on the left costs $500,” says the store owner. “Why so much,” asks the customer. “Because it can program in C,” answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.” The startled man then asks about the third monkey. “That one costs $3000,” answers the store owner. “3000 dollars,” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?” The owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.” “Good things, when short, are twice as good.” ~ Tom Stoppard

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BREAKDOWN:

4345 Fleming St., Vancouver BC Single family houses & duplex on strata lot - Project layout - Recent comparable sales of similar properties - Map Have a chance to invest in the Vancouver Real Estate Market at a reasonable price point. Reserve your choice of 3 different units with a deposit given now & realize the appreciation before the spring market of 2017(anticipated completion date). Investors will be given consent to list & assign units prior to completion w/o any penalty. All the units range between 1113 sq. ft. and have 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms over 2 levels. All units have 1 allocated on-site parking spot. The duplex unit has a one car garage only.

Presale purchase price (Todays buy in) Duplex 1.1M Centre units 1.15M Front units 1.3M

Anticipated sale prices (Feb 2017 completion)* 1.250M-1.3M 1.3M-1.35M 1.45M-1.5M

Deposit required 200K 250K 350K

Projected Returns 75&-100% 60%-80% 42%-57%

*The speculative appreciation is anticipated to be higher for the stand alone units than shown Anticipated values are speculative and not guaranteed Check recent sales data & research market trends before committing

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