Piffle Magazine 2017-01 by Sargent's Piffle

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981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

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LOCALLY PUBLISHED SINCE 2000

CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

January 2017 Issue #196

Manager Jennifer Bichin

When New Westminster residents want a glowing tan without the burn of the sun, they head to Beach House Tanning & Swimwear. See story page 14.

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“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

Roveen Kandola & Associates 2015

604-644-7653(SOLD)

Re/Max Real Estate Services N. Tower 410-650 West 41st Ave. Independently Owned and Operated.

Share your local event for free in the printed

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Peter Julian, MP New Westminster – Burnaby

“HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY 2017”

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

Peter Julian’s Community Office (Near New Westminster SkyTrain)

#110-888 Carnarvon St, New Westminster Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

K F A X J J R K V T D S B D F Q C O Q W

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A K U I G E I I L S G N I T E E M X X M

H P K K U C A T P M E B I Z S C K I C N

A J I Y C A C O V D A Q M T Q N C W G Y

U R D L H P H M N C H R F L I E N F S Z

L P G X A S P O K E S P E R S O N B V D

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M K P R D S M P O Q S N H T L A E H U E

P Y O I E I C F L V S E A W K R T U I P

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K T R S U S M W D B R N M I C Y Z E M Q

F O X K H Y G J Y O K R C G N Q H Y Z H

C W M G F B U J F P D E E I R M S U E J

E D E Y J D M N D X S V G F A V O D T C

B A W M Y T I N U M M O C V E L R Z B J

I A WORD SEARCH R MEETINGS ADVOCACY R Q MLA CABINET X W PROMOTION COMMUNITY S N CORRESPONDENCE PROVINCIAL Y V RECOGNITION DARCY G REFERRAL GOVERNMENT R K SERVICES HEALTH G R SPACE HELP M N SPOKESPERSON INFORMATION T D JUDY

WORKSHOPS

Judy Darcy MLA

A Strong Voice for New Westminster

judydarcy.ca January 2017

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca

604.775.2101

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027

Owner & Publisher chrissargent@piffle.ca

Verne Siebert 604-763-6304

Sargent’s Word Search �� 2

Sargent’s Number Blocks �� 23

Imperial Pharmacy

Sargent’s Sudoku! �� 24

Community Page �� 7 MLA’s Report by Judy Darcy �� 9 Math Madness Solution

December 2016 �� 11 Number Blocks Solution

December 2016 �� 11 A-Maze-In �� 12 Sargent’s Crossword �� 12

Sales Representative vernesiebert@piffle.ca

Horoscopes by Liza �� 17 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah �� 18

Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca

www.piﬄe.ca

The Battle of the Snowballs by

Pictograph by Ross Hood

Puzzle #29 Solution �� 24 Piffle Quiz �� 24 Sargent’s City Scene �� 25 New Westminster Fire and

Rescue Services �� 26 Puzzle Solutions �� 29 Poet’s Corner with

Janet Kvammen �� 30 Strata Living by Tony Gioventu �� 32

Evelyn Benson �� 22

Piffle Quiz Answer �� 33

Sargent’s Math Madness �� 23

Piffle Business Directory �� 36

102 - 220 Salter St.

“GLASSHOUSE LOFTS” One of Port Royals finest gems. This 2 bedroom open concept loft style Apartment is finished with a sense of modern luxury. The unit opens into a large yard/patio space great for kids/pets/entertaining and overlooks the park/playground. High ceilings, open floor plan with bedrooms above main living area, brick feature wall, open kitchen with island, quartz countertops, B/I microwave, stove, gas cooktop, all S/S appliances. Ensuite Laundry, Lots of storage, hidea-ways, extra large windows and AC. Rentals allowed and 2 pets allowed, plus balance of 2-5-10 yr warranty. Comes with one parking stall, one locker. Queen Elizabeth Elementary, Queensborough Middle and New Westminster Secondary Schools.

227 Phillips St.

This brand new family home with open concept living will feature a large wrap-around kitchen, and an extra large spice kitchen. 3 bed with 2.5 washrooms for the main home with a two level (townhouse style) 2 bed and 1.5 bath with stacked laundry. This functional layout must be seen to be appreciated. Queensborough centrally located, easy access to highways, walking distance to Walmart, Shopping, public transit. Next door available as well. January 2017

604.644.SOLD

www.sellvancouverhomes.com RE/MAX Real Estate Services 410 - 650 West 41st Avenue North Office Tower, Vancouver, BC V5Z 2M9 Independently owned and operated

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Did You Know That Women Use About 30,000 Words A Day While Men Use Only 15,000? Yes, because we have to repeat everything

What?

E FRE CK A GET G CHE RIN INUTE A E H M ON & 30 ULTATI S CON

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(across from Mercer Stadium on 10th Ave)

A+ Member of the Better Business Bureau

Trouble hearing clearly? Missing some words?

Call today at 604-634-3635 or learn more about us by visiting our website at www.simplehearing.ca

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support over the years!

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

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✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.

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More Space + More Products + More Services HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM–6PM SAT 9AM–2:30PM • SUN 9AM–1:30PM

981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

604.523.6767

January 2017

sue? Missing an is ACY RM A PH L IM PE RIA y rr ca is pleased to sues -is ck ba e th many of year. from the past

Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY CORE EDUCATION & FINE ARTS (CEFA®) EARLY LEARNING OPEN HOUSE

725 Carnarvon St, New Westminster. RSVP at newwestminster@cefa.ca Open Houses For 2017 • Saturday January 21, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. • Saturday February 18, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.

NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE FIGHTERS’ CHARITABLE SOCIETY TREE CHIPPING

• Saturday April 8, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.

Saturday, January 7 and Sunday, January 8, 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. Canada Games Pool Parking lot, 65 E 6th Ave Join us for a BBQ, popcorn, face painting, music, and extinguisher demos.

Contact the school to schedule a personal tour at 604-777-0053.

Trees will be chipped and recycled. All proceeds go to the New Westminster Fire Fighters’ Charitable Society. Make a donation and support local community charities! The New Westminster Scouts will also be holding a bottle drive. Please bring your recyclable bottles and cans to help bring adventure, outdoor experience and friendship to New West youth.

QUEENSBOROUGH RESIDENTS’ ASSOCIATION MEETING The residents of Queensborough have formed a Residents’ Association in order to sustain and strive to improve the quality of life of Queensborough’s residents and unite the Queensborough community to communicate effectively with local, provincial, and federal governments on issues which most concern them. Tuesday, January 10, 7:00 p.m. Queensborough Community Centre, 920 Ewen Ave, New Westminster

COMMUNITY STORIES OF TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION Thursday, January 19, 6:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. Anvil Centre Theatre, 3rd Floor , 777 Columbia St, New Westminster 604-515-3830 Free. All welcome. Free child-minding available. Accessible venue We welcome you to this thoughtful and insightful community conversation on reconciliation and how community groups, volunteer boards, institutions and individuals can join in on the ongoing process. Performance by Eden Fine Day at 6:00 p.m. Panel begins at 6:30 p.m. Our event is free however we are accepting donations to help us cover our costs and in order to make a financial contribution to Spirit Of The Children, our local First Nations Support and Healing Organization. Panel moderator: Dave Seaweed, Aboriginal Coordinator.

• Saturday May 6, 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.

15TH ANNUAL NEW WESTMINSTER FESTIVAL OF VOLUNTEERS BY COMMUNITY VOLUNTEER CONNECTIONS

Saturday, January 28, 9:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Royal City Centre Mall, 610 6th St, New Westminster 604-526-8064 Looking for volunteers? The 15th Annual New Westminster Festival of Volunteers will be held on Saturday, January 28th, 2017 at Royal City Mall from 9:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. in the thriving Uptown of New Westminster, BC! The Festival of Volunteers attracts a diverse group of active citizens who are wanting to make a contribution to their community by connecting to your organization. Book your table and get ready to meet your new volunteers! Registrations received before January 15 are eligible for an EARLY BIRD DRAW! Entertainment Stage! Free Yoga Class by KarmaTeachers. Visiting tables enters you to win $500 Shopping Spree!

UNITY OF SPIRITS

Community Art Space, Anvil Centre, 777 Columbia St, New Westminster Presents works on paper by participants from the Healing Through Art program in partnership with the Union Gospel Mission New Westminster. Healing Through Art is a course based art program at Union Gospel Mission’s Resource Centre in New Westminster. This program makes art accessible for people experiencing barriers such as homelessness, poverty, or addiction.

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM 981 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster | 604-523-6767 “You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein

MLA’S REPORT By Judy Darcy

appy New Year! So much happened in 2016, it seems fitting to reflect on last year before looking forward to 2017. The Legislature sat in the spring of 2016 and the budget was announced with much fanfare. But, in the name of a “balanced budget”, it’s clear the government has created a huge deficit: in public education, health care, support for seniors and affordable housing. And the government’s lack of investment in innovation and transit is costing present and future generations. I voted against the government’s proposed budget — and I see the negative impact of that budget on people in New Westminster every single day. The summer was filled with countless wonderful community events where it is always such a pleasure to bump into friends old and new. Summertime was also when I held a packed community meeting on the need to restore bus service on Richmond Street — and it worked! In September, I hosted a Townhall on Housing Affordability with guest speakers including Opposition Spokesperson for Housing David Eby and Mayor Jonathan Cote. We had wonderful discussions ranging from renters’ and roommate rights to student housing, seniors housing and everything in between. The Premier unfortunately cancelled the fall session of the legislature, stifling debate about critical issues like the housing crisis and the fentanyl crisis which has claimed nearly 800 lives. Our mental health and addiction system in BC is woefully fragmented and underfunded, but without the legislature sitting, the debate has taken place through media clips rather than in the people’s house. In October, I presented at New Westminster City Council on the need for a rent bank. After raising $34,000 in loan capital through the generosity of local credit unions, I was delighted that the City has come on board as a partner and committed to a three-year pilot rent bank program for city residents. Rent banks are vital for preventing families, seniors, and working people from falling into the cycle of homelessness. In December, I had the pleasure of handing out candy canes in the Santa Claus parade and hosting hundreds of residents at my annual open house. Hearing from people who live, work, and play in New Westminster about the issues that are important to them and their families is what keeps my candle burning late into the night. I look forward to seeing you, hearing from you, and standing up on your behalf in 2017!

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604.544.7760 711 Columbia Street New Westminster, BC - V3M 1B2

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GAMES THAT OLD FOLKS CAN PLAY • Sag, You’re it. • Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. • 20 questions shouted into your good ear. • Kick the bucket. • Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. • Doc Goose. • Simon says something incoherent. • Hide and go pee. • Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. • Musical recliners. THE FIVE MINUTE ADVANTAGE There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!” AND THERE THEY WERE I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters Canada’s Favourite Family Ventriloquist

(604) 364-7294

baconandfriends@shaw.ca

www.baconandfriends.com January 2017

IT HAPPENED IN CHURCH A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“ The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.” DOG GONE A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead,” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. THE ACTRESS AND THE BOXER While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ. “I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.” THE KID Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It’s okay. He woke up. WATCHING THE SIGNS While on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things. As we past a sign I told her that is the name of the town for the next exit. As we past the exit I told her how we were passing the town. A few exits latter she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

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JUST CHECKING I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me! “We have art to save ourselves from the truth.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

CROSSWORD ACROSS 3. 1860 New Westminster became the fi rst city in Western Canada, to have a locally-elected government. 4. Poplar Island was once the site of World War I . 8. There was once a very large in New Westminster that for many years was centred near Carnarvon Street at 10th Street. 9. New Westminster was destroyed by the Great of 1898. 10. New was the fi rst city in Western Canada. 11. New Westminster is the original of British Columbia. 12. The Samson V Maritime Museum is a former steam-powered sternwheeler that worked on the Fraser River.

DOWN 1. Piffl e gives thanks to NEW WEST for the use of their website to create these crossword questions. 2. The Fraser Cemetery and St Peter’s are located in . 5. The Ancient and Honourable Anvil Battery carries out a salute to the sovereign, fi red with gunpowder and anvils, each May on Victoria Day. 6. The Queen that gave New Westminster its name. 7. The Royal Westminster Regiment traces its roots back to the Columbia Detachment of Royal who founded the City. 8. New Westminster is the original home of local radio station .

PIFFLE’S

BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC!

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Eva Gálvez (Aux. Captain) Pastor / Corps Officer Church Line Cell

604-521-0363 604-830-0157

Eva_Galvez@can.salvationarmy.org The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster

January 2017

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w w w. s e l l va n co u ve r h o m e s . co m Rove e n K a n d o l a & A s s o ci ate s R e / M ax R e a l E s tate S e r vi ce s • I n d e p e n d e ntly O wn e d a n d O p e r ate d • N . Towe r 41 0 – 6 5 0 We s t 41 s t Ave

POWER MEMORY An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. “What was the name of the Instructor,” asked the neighbor. “Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?” “A rose,” asked the neighbor. “Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?” IT’S A WORKOUT Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

BRAGGING ABOUT SON JOKE Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

CALL 604-520-6171 426-604 Columbia St, New Westminster

“Dreams are, by definition, cursed with short life spans.” ~ Candice Bergen

Managers Ellen Pepperell (left) and Jennifer Bichin (right). January 2017

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A NEW YEAR AND NEW MANAGERS AT BEACH HOUSE TANNING & SWIMWEAR

HAPPY 2017!

ay your best glow of 2016 be your worst glow of 2017!… wait, what?… Yes, read it again and this is what this mother and daughter team wish for everybody in the New Year. A New Year brings new management and a lot of promise to bring back Beach House Tanning & Swimwear to its glory days. Ellen Pepperell and Jennifer Bichin take their many successful years of working together in the food service industry and bring fresh ideas to the tanning industry. Both these Smart Tanning knowledgeable salon managers strive to make your tanning experience and your glow the best possible because they want your repeat business and they want you to spread the word to your family and friends that Beach House Tanning & Swimwear is back better than ever before! When New Westminster residents want a glowing tan without the burn of the sun, they head to Beach House Tanning & Swimwear. For more than three decades, the award-winning, Smart Tan Certified salon has offered the best quality tans at unbeatable prices, with a friendly vibe to help you feel at ease. “We are in the business to appropriately guide people along with smart tanning so that they can look and feel at their best,” said manager Jennifer Bichin. Looking great doesn’t have to carry a hefty price tag or come with a nonsense membership, either. Beach House Tanning & Swimwear offers what they call ‘Complete Tanning Freedom.’ There are no membership fees, no points system, and best of all, no pre-authorized billing.

Beach House Tanning & Swimwear offers the lowest prices for tanning in New Westminster. And when you factor in their shareable minute packages, large assortment of tanning lotions and a new full line of swimwear, they are the best value out there, hands down. If you want the perfect tan, you need the best equipment. Engineered with comfort and smart tanning in mind, their tanning beds provide customers with glowing, radiant skin. Even better, their equipment is very clean and ready for you to use. Beach House Tanning & Swimwear features four types of top-of-the-line tanning beds designed to give a fuller, richer hue. “We are the home of the Envy bed — the only stateof-the-art Alpha 6800 bed in Western Canada,” adds Ellen. “We also offer a new line of men’s and women’s swimwear and beach footwear, and a variety of tanning lotions for everyone;” said manager Ellen Pepperell Whether you opt for their premium tanning bed sessions or a convenient full-body colour — with their no-drip, fume-free spray tans, you can say goodbye to pasty and pale and enjoy all the compliments you’ll get on your beautifully bronzed body. Discover why so many New Westminster residents make the smart choice and come to Beach House Tanning & Swimwear for the best glow ever. For more information, visit www.beachhousetanning.ca. P.S. For this January only they are offering UNLIMITED FREE TANNING FOR A WEEK with the purchase of any lotion, minute package or swimwear. Beach House Tanning & Swimwear is located at 763 Sixth Street, New Westminster.

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January 2017

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THE CORNER If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees. LAST RESPECTS At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and

friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I

was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was

a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…

LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!” KNOCK, KNOCK

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

HOW IS IT HERE, GRANDMA A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared

for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window

overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch

her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other

side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman

was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” “It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let

me pass gas.”

FROG SANDALS Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear? A: Open-toad!

CALL LIZA

Give the gift of a personalized reading this holiday season!

778-898-2146

HOROSCOPES by LIZA

JANUARY 2017

ARIES: Your daily life picks up steam and you are ready to get all the tasks you have been putting off done. Co-workers may cause you grief; think before speaking.

TAURUS: Your creativity sparks a new high and you are able to express yourself with ease. Your desire nature is strong and any relationship started at this time will be powerful. GEMINI: Much activity takes place on the home front. Family could cause disagreements. Compromise is the key word for the month of January in the home and work place. CANCER: Neighbors, relative and others you deal with on a daily basis may seem to cause you grief. You are able to put forth your ideas with vigor and gusto. LEO: Your desire to have possessions is strong now. Your financial position is not a sign of your personal worth. Don’t let money get in the way of friendship. VIRGO: Your working very hard to further your own interests. Show the world what you are capable of. You may feel you have to fight for your rights. LIBRA: This is a good time to work alone as much as possible to get things done. Volunteering or social work will do wonders for you. Dreams will be powerful. SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others as opposed to going at it alone. Friends may be argumentative. SAGITTARIUS: You want to achieve and you will get much done on the work front. Coworkers may feel threaten by your efforts to get ahead. Align your interests with others. CAPRICORN: Defending your beliefs is one thing, just don’t force your ideas on others. Look for experiences that will open up your mind to new ideas. Travel may come up. AQUARIUS: Conflicts with your value system or money may arise. The old ways of doing things will come to an end and the birth of the new will take place. PISCES: Now is a good time to put energy back into your relationships. Look for resolution as opposed to opposition in the business and marital scheme of things.

“Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.” ~ Albert Einstein

Do you have a joke you want to share? Submit them at www.piffle.ca/contact

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: Because he felt crummy. Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly! Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying? A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam. Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits! Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed. Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? A: Because he was a little shellfish. Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button? A: You’re under a vest! Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it’s pointless. January 2017

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash! Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho Cheese. Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? A: Quattro Sinko. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it! Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer! Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A: A waist of time. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In snow banks! Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course!

PSYCHOLOGY 101 In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question to her students: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A football coach?” JUMPER CABLES A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, “You can stay but don’t try to start anything.” ATOMS Q: Why can’t you trust an atom? A: Because they make up everything. THE DIFFERENCE Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause. WHERE’S GOD? A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know, I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Good Lord, are you still in there?!” THE CAN CRUSHER Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

THE GOOD SAMARITAN A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tattat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that,” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.” WALKING THE LOBSTERS A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he’s going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit. The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk. “Nonsense,” says the game warden. “It’s true, it’s not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it,” asks the man. “I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me”. “I’ve got to see this; show me,” says the game warden. So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, “Okay, now let’s hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you.” “Lobsters,” asks the poacher, “What lobsters?”

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FEBRUARY Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may. GANDHI Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. CHEMISTRY I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

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MELONS Q: Why didn’t the melons get married? A: Because they cantaloupe. BRAVE A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.” CHESS A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” WORRY-WART Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.” “I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

January 2017

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

“That must be expensive.” Bob replied. “He charges $5,000 a month.” Jack told him. “$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him,” exclaimed Bob. “I don’t know, that’s his problem.” DOG IN A BAR A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” PRETTY GOOD BOOK I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. WHO’S FAULT? A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame. THE LAST WISH An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life . The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, “Don’t Ernest,” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

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“Who we are in the present includes who we were in the past.” ~ Fred Rogers

THE BATTLE OF THE SNOWBALLS

By Evelyn Benson uring the years of World War II, 1939 to 1945, our town had two army camps. One was set up on empty property where the New Westminster Secondary School complex sits today. It used to be bush, bounded by Sixth Street, Tenth Avenue, Eighth Street and Eighth Avenue. Soldiers awaiting transport overseas to the Pacific Theatre were camped there. The sight of soldiers marching down our neighbourhood streets was a common one.The other army camp was the wooded area of Queen’s Park from the back of the Arena parking lot to Sixth Avenue. Barbed wire and all! To school children who went to Spencer School it was quite common to see a tank or other military vehicles rumble down Sixth Avenue and turn into the park! As the men marched smartly past our school when we were outside for recess or lunch we would flock to the sidewalk’s edge to cheer and wave. The guys would wave back and I’m sure we caused many a lump in the throat for these men who had left sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, at home in faraway parts of Canada.

Many wives and children from all over Canada followed their men to the Lower Mainland. Rental accommodations were scarce. Many of these wives trudged from door to door to ask if any spare room was available. I remember helping Mom spring clean the front bedroom as the doorbell rang. A woman clutching the hand of a small boy, asked, “I saw you removing curtains, is that a room you could rent me?” Many big old mansions were divided up into small rental units. My best friend’s family rented out their living room/dining room to a soldier’s wife and child. She had a hot plate and a toaster only. She got water from the main kitchen and shared the only bathroom with the host family of six. During the winter of 1942, when I was in Miss Hilda Smith’s grade two class, a platoon of soldiers marched by during lunch hour. There had been a beautiful snowfall the night before, and the snow was fresh and fluffy. As we stood at the sidewalk’s edge, cheering, one of the soldiers bent down, scooped up a handful of snow and let fly a well-placed snowball. The fight was on! The soldiers broke formation and attacked. Our Grade Six boys counterattacked. Everyone got into the fun. Boys and girls from Grade One to Grade

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Six joined in the melee until the school bell summoned us to class and a red-faced sergeant brought his men back into line. But that wasn’t the end of it. After we took our seats back in the class room, sitting smartly “at attention”—backs straight, feet flat on the floor, hands clasped and resting on the desk, Miss Smith stood at the front of the class and slowly looked each of us in the eye one by one, and scowled. Finally, she spoke. “I am SO ashamed of you!” What followed was a ten-minute lecture on our gallant soldiers, patriotism, the War Effort, Spencer School pride, etc., etc., etc. We began to squirm. Some of the girls began to cry. She made us feel so ashamed and unpatriotic for throwing snowballs at “our heroic fighting men”. We were all sentenced to thirty minutes’ detention after school. It felt like a thirty-year sentence as we sat at our desks, backs straight, feet flat on the floor, hands clasped and resting on our desks — and heads bowed, trying to make our seven-year-old brains comprehend just what we’d done wrong. This story is from Evelyn Benson’s award-winning book, — A CENTURY IN A SMALL TOWN — One Family’s Stories. Both Book 1 and Book 2 are available at Black Bond Books and www.amazon.com. Watch for more stories in next month’s Piffle.

MATH MADNESS

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

PUT SOME MUSCLE IN YOUR FITNESS BUSINESS This is Verne with Piﬄe Magazine. This is the time of year when people are making their New Year’s resolutions and fitness and better health is something that many people commit to. As a fitness-health business, you will want to let people know what you have to offer through advertising.

NUMBER BLOCKS

Piffle is a monthly local community magazine serving New Westminster and Burnaby‐Edmonds with a press run of 9,000 copies and online hits of up to 5,000. Piffle has been around for the past 16 years and is well known in the community. You can visit us at www.piffl e.ca to see our posted current and back issues. I would like to talk to you more about how Piffle can help build you business. Thanks,

Verne Siebert

vernesiebert@piﬄe.ca

604-763-6304

Act soon… the deadline is January 15 for the February Piffle Magazine.

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

“Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein

SUDOKU!

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

SOLUTION TO PUZZLE #29 PICTOGRAPH B Y R O S S H O O D 2

11 9

11 2

4 1

2 10

3 14

Winter tires have been around since the 1930s, first introduced for trucks and then just a few years later for passenger vehicles. Prior to that, regular tires were used during winter months, and in some places, like Canada and the Scandinavian countries, this didn’t provide as much handling or traction control as the conditions often required. What country did the first winter tires come from?

January 2017

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CITY ON TRACK TO REDUCE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS 15% BY 2017

he City of New Westminster is on track for meeting its target of reducing corporate GHG emissions by 15% from 2007 levels by 2017. This target was set in the 2008 Corporate Greenhouse Gas Reduction Plan. The reduction has occurred even as new facilities were added to serve the community, including Anvil Centre and the expanded Queensborough Community Centre. The City has shown leadership in reducing its carbon footprint through a number of proactive and innovative energy efficiency measures. In the past several years, the City has installed LED lighting in civic facilities and introduced LED street lights, has switched its vehicle fleet to dual fuel models with propane tanks, added electric and hybrid vehicles, and replaced its boilers with high efficiency boilers at various City facilities including Century House and New Westminster Public Library. These and other energy efficiency measures are allowing the City to reduce emissions even while there is increased energy consumption in other areas, such as when new facilities and vehicles are added to the City’s inventory of assets. “The City is committed to being a leader in reducing corporate energy emissions,” said New Westminster Mayor Jonathan X. Coté. “With Canada signing the Paris Agreement, we’ll be revising our corporate energy emissions plan with the goal of achieving more aggressive targets for reducing energy and emissions.”

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” ~ Helen Keller

continued on page 26

continued from page 25

SAFETY IN PUBLIC BUILDINGS In response to the deadly fire in Oakland, NWFRS encourages personal responsibility for safety in public buildings. Every day, millions of people wake up, go to work or school, and take part in social events. But every so often the unexpected happens: an earthquake, a fire or some other disaster. Routines change drastically, and people are suddenly aware of how fragile their lives and routines can be. People entering any public assembly building need to be prepared in case of an emergency.

WHEN YOU ENTER TAKE A GOOD LOOK. Locate exits immediately. When you enter a building you should look for all available exits. Some exits may be in front and some in back of you. Be prepared to use your closest exit. You may not be able to use the main exit. CHECK FOR CLEAR EXIT PATHS. Make sure aisles are wide enough and not obstructed by chairs or furniture. Check to make sure your exit door is not blocked or chained. If there are not at least two exit paths or exit paths are blocked, report the violations to management. If it is not immediately addressed call NWFRS to register a complaint. DO YOU FEEL SAFE? Does the building appear to be overcrowded? Are there fire sources such as candles burning, cigarettes or cigars burning, pyrotechnics, or other heat sources that may make you feel unsafe? Are there safety systems in place such as alternative exits, sprinklers, and smoke alarms? Ask the management for clarification on your concerns. If you do not feel safe in the building leave immediately. New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca January 2017

To learn more about the City’s energy reduction efforts, please visit the City’s website at www.newwestcity.ca/environment Contacts: Mark Allison, Manager, Strategic Initiatives & Sustainability, 604-527-4653 or mallison@newwestcity.ca Jennifer Lukianchuk, Environmental Coordinator, 604-515-3780 or jlukianchuk@newwestcity.ca

NEW WESTMINSTER ARENEX ROOF COLLAPSES DUE TO HEAVY SNOW

n December 19, 2016 at approximately 9:30 pm, the roof of the Queen’s Park Arenex collapsed due to heavy snow accumulation. City staff had evacuated the building earlier in the evening and no one was inside at the time of collapse. “This is a sad day for our community, as the Arenex was a much loved and important recreation facility,” said Mayor Jonathan Coté. “Thankfully, our staff was able to respond to the incident quickly and no one was hurt.” New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services and City staff are working to ensure the site is secure and safe. “We know the programs offered at the Arenex are an important component of New Westminster Parks and Recreation,” said Parks and Recreation Director Dean Gibson. “We are in the very early stages of exploring alternate arrangements for Arenex programs and will be reaching out to facility users as soon as we have more information.” Updates will be posted on the City’s website at www.newwestcity.ca as well as on social media.

CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER ADOPTS PUBLIC ENGAGEMENT STRATEGY

ew Westminster City Council has adopted a new public engagement strategy that will provide guidance for the City’s engagement practices and aid in the delivery of high quality public consultation. New Westminster City Council adopted the new strategy at a regular session of council. The City of New Westminster Public Engagement Strategy was developed in collaboration with the Mayor’s Task Force on Public Engagement and the Simon Fraser University (SFU) Centre for Dialogue. In January 2015, | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

Mayor Jonathan Coté established a task force to identify options and make recommendations for enhancing community public engagement and encouraging greater civic participation by residents and businesses. The Task Force is chaired by the Mayor and consists of two councillors, seven community members and five staff. “The City of New Westminster recognizes the importance of quality public engagement and the role it plays in enabling purposeful and sound civic decisionmaking,” said Mayor Jonathan Coté. “Council and staff are committed to investing in and exploring new and innovative ways to meaningfully connect with the public to shape our community together in a pro-active and positive way.” The City of New Westminster Public Engagement Strategy builds on the Mayor’s Task Force’s work in reviewing the City’s current engagement practices and incorporates input from community members on their vision and ideas for future engagement. The Strategy includes a set of principles that establish the goals and standards for good public engagement in New Westminster and will help to measure the success of engagement initiatives. An Action Plan was also created that identifies recommendations and detailed priorities developed by the Public Engagement Task Force. “The City of New Westminster Public Engagement Strategy reflects the ideas and feedback received from community members, staff and members of Council that provides an important resource to enhance the way we connect and engage with the public,” said Mayor Coté. “I want to thank everyone who participated in this process and I look forward to implementing the strategy.” The City of New Westminster Public Engagement Strategy can be viewed at www.newwestcity.ca. Contact Mayor Jonathan Coté. City of New Westminster 604-527-4522 or jcote@newwestcity.ca

CHANGES TO RESIDENTIAL PARKING PERMITS

tarting January 1, 2017, changes will be made to the residential parking permit application process. A new e-apply module will soon be available allowing residents to purchase residential parking permits through an online system. As of January 1, 2017, there will no longer be a $5.00 fee for renewals; all permits will be charged a flat rate of $15.00. Each household is entitled to a total of five percontinued on page 29

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Purpose Secondary Independent School exists to serve those students who, for a variety of reasons, find it difficult in the traditional school system. Students succeed from the fact that we are a small student centered Independent School.

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POLICE OBSERVATION SKILLS A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it. NOT A GOOD DAY FOR THEM Q: Which day do chickens hate the most? A: Friday.. THE BRAIN TRANSPLANT I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. FORREST GUMP Q: What was Forrest Gump’s email password? A: “1forrest1” CALENDAR Last time I stole a calendar I got 12 months.

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PASS THE PLATE One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

continued from page 27

be stationery.

HYPOTHETICAL What if there were no hypothetical questions? IT WILL TAKE CARE OF STRESS STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. SONG WRITER I’ve just written a song about tortillas — actually, it’s more of a rap.

WHAT NATIONALITY? Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.

WHY IS THAT? Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? IT’S TERRIBLE • A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

• I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

• Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like

you’re crazy, they look at you like you’re amazing.

• Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

SAPPERTON PARK PLAYGROUND CONSTRUCTION

he Sapperton Park playground and spray park is closed for construction. The new park will reopen Spring 2017. The new play space will feature many custom designed play elements that reflect the community’s desire for innovative play combined with seating and social areas that are centrally located with improved sight lines to the different areas of the park. The park washrooms will remain open during construction. For more information, please contact New Westminster Parks and Recreation at 604-527-4567.

PUZZLE SOLUTIONS

MATH MADNESS

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still

NUMBER BLOCKS

WON’T BUDGE

mits. The first three permits (1 visitor and 2 residential permits) can be purchased for $15.00 each. An additional two residential permits may be purchased for $50.00 each. Parking permits are valid until the last day of the month, one year from date of application. The change to a standard flat rate will provide the city with a means of subsidizing the program, while also bringing our fee structure in line with neighbouring municipalities. The implementation of these services will aid in our goal of freeing up on-street parking and our ability to better enforce permit parking zones. Additionally, permit hangers will no longer be required to be displayed for residential permits. Hangers will still be required for visitor permits. Permits will now expire at the end of the month, one year from the time of purchase. Previously all permits expired March 31st of the calendar year. For more information on these changes, please visit www.newwestcity.ca/parking or contact Parking Services at 604-519-2010.

Chem students do homework on the table periodically.

CHART WORK

continued on page PB

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

SUDOKU!

PIFFLE’S

“Do right. Do your best. Treat others as you want to be treated.” ~ Lou Holtz

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

As if the tree, too, grieves, her slender hips, the way she bends to graze the closed earth. The parts of her we cannot see: her tendrils, fat with groundwater, splayed as veins, curled around the boxes underneath. How winter robs her of colour, substance. How she holds her last leaves in spite of wind, refuses to lose everything.

Chelsea Comeau is a freelance writer and editor whose work has appeared in the Claremont Review, Quills, and CV2. In 2011, Amber Tamblyn chose her poem as the winning entr y in the BUST Magazine poetr y contest. In 2014, she attended the Banff Centre’s Writing with Style Programme with Lorna Crozier, and attends poetry retreats with Lorna Crozier and Patrick Lane. In 2015, she was the Canadian winner of the Leaf Press Overleaf chapbook contest. She is currently the poetry editor of WordWorks magazine. Chelsea will feature at Poetic Justice on Sunday January 15, 2017. Full details at www.poeticjusticenewwest.org

Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.rclas.com for all the latest events. January 2017

YOU KNOW YOU’RE READY TO RETIRE WHEN… 1. You remember where your office is, but not exactly what you do there. 2. It’s less embarrassing to carry your dog’s pooper scooper than your briefcase. 3. You’ve been drinking the office coffee so long you think it actually tastes good. 4. Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet. 5. A “nice little fling at the office” means you hit the wastebasket with a wad of paper. 6. The office stockboy is younger than your grandkids. 7. When the guys ask you if you’re “getting any,” you think it means sleep. THE NINTH HOLE One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. “You know Jack?” One of the other golfers said. “That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass.” Well I felt it was the least I could do.” Jack responded. “After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life.” IT SAYS RIGHT THERE A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies.” “How did you know,” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.” He replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.” THE MEMORIAL One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Johnny.” “Good morning pastor Ron,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” Johnny asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service? AT THE MOVIES When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered “Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.” The man moaned but didn’t budge. “Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager.” The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, “All right, what’s your name, joker?” “Joe”, he mumbled.

“And where are you from, Joe?” Joe responds painfully, “The balcony!”

HICCUPS A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man’s face. “Why did you do that,” the man yelled angrily. “Well you don’t have hiccups now do you,” replied the pharmacist. “NO,” shouted the man. “But my wife in the car still does!” THE BEAR’S LUNCH A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled… cheese.” The waiter says “What’s with the pause?” The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.” IT’S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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STRATA LIVING

WHAT CONSTITUTES A MAJORITY VOTE UNDER THE STRATA PROPERTY ACT?

By Tony Gioventu, Executive Director, Condominium Home Owners' Association of BC Dear Tony: Our strata is having a serious dispute over a voting issue. We have found separate publications on line that define a majority vote and they differ in results that were declared by our property manager who acted as the chairperson at our recent AGM. This seems trivial but our strata would greatly appreciate a simple answer. How is a majority vote calculated and defined? ~ Sharon Carter Dear Sharon: Here is the definition of a majority vote in the Strata Property Act. “majority vote” means a vote in favour of a resolution by

more than half of the votes cast by eligible voters who are present in person or by proxy at the time the vote is taken and who have not abstained from voting. In your situation, you had 19 votes in favour and 18 opposed. That is clearly more than half of the votes cast. The total was 37, half would be 18.5, and 19 exceeds half. The abstentions are not included in the count. There is a significant misunderstanding that a majority vote is 50% + 1. If that were the case, which is the source of the dispute in your strata corporation, it would be 50% which is 18.5 plus 1 makes it 19.5 which requires 20 votes to meet the

This publication contains general information only and is not intended as legal advice. Use of this publication is at your own risk. CHOA, the author and related entities will not be liable to you or any other person for any loss or damage arising from, connected with or relating to the use of this publication or any information contained herein by you or any other person. The contents of this publication may not be reproduced, blogged, or distributed in any fashion without the explicit prior consent of the writer.

Direct office phone: 604-515-9683 Office email: tony@choa.bc.ca Mobile: 604-323-6458

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minimum. This is a very common misunderstanding that is held over from bylaws of associations and societies. The Strata Property Act is not the same. It is also necessary to be cautious of the actual voting numbers as non-residential strata lots frequently have voting shares based on the size of their lots, so it could be possible that a commercial strata unit may have 1.51 votes. To avoid voting errors, always have a copy of the schedule of voting rights handy and remember majority and three quarters votes are based on those who vote yes or no, abstentions are not included in the count.

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HE MEANS WELL The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church “Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand. As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this,” the preacher asked. “Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!” “I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered. “I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.” ANGER A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” “It’s mostly a matter of degree,” the dad replied. “Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, “Hello, is Homer there?” The man on the other end answered, “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number. There’s nobody here by that name.” The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, “Hello, is Homer there,” asks the father. “Now listen up buddy, there’s nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!” The dad listens as the man slams the phone down. You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. “HELLO,” the man yells. “Yes, is Homer there,” asks the father calmly. “Are you crazy,” the man screams, “ I told you Homer doesn’t live here so don’t call back again,” then he slams the phone down again. “Did you hear that,” the father asked the little girl, “Now that is what anger sounds like.” “Now you’re going to hear exasperation.” He picked the phone up and hit redial again. “HELLO,” boomed the voice on the other end. “Hello,” the dad says politely, “This is Homer, have I had any calls?”

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MURPHY’S CAR IS STOLEN Murphy’s wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with

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Financial planning: 3 key factors to consider for retirement

uinn Waddington of Waddington Wealth Management G roup, an advisor y practice at Canaccord G e n u i t y We a l t h M a n a g e m e n t , p r i d e s himself on being the Lower Mainland’s ‘goto’ financial guru. So when he sees anyone in his community heading in the wrong direction with their financial planning, he is compelled to help. “A retirement plan is always adjustable,” says Waddington, a New Westminster native who has been providing financial advice since 2008. “I’ve had a client come to me when he was 32 years old, unmarried with no children and no house, and others come to me when they’re well into retirement already. In either case — and every type of case in between — we can put the right financial plan in place.” “The most important things are a) to have a plan in place sooner rather than later, b) to define your goals and c) to know what the ‘gap’ is — meaning the difference between where you are and where you want to be. That way you can plot a course of action to bridge the gap before it’s too late.” Waddington, along with a team of wealth specialists at Canaccord Genuity Wealth Management, created a comprehensive list of the most common retirement planning mistakes they’ve seen. Here are three to consider: 1.

Asset allocation — Spreading your investments across different asset classes is a key consideration when planning for retirement.

“The three main classes are equities (stocks), fixed income (bonds) and cash,” Waddington explains. “There are other classes, of course, like commodities and real estate, but those are the main branches in

a nutshell. By diversifying your investments across these different asset classes, you can adjust the amount of risk you take.” 2.

Tax consequences of retirement — Many people will experience a change in their tax bracket upon retirement due to employment changes, a RRSP kicking in or taxes on public pension benefits, says Waddington.

“Not factoring in the government’s cut is a common mistake people make with RRSPs,” he says. “Yes, they allow you to invest your money for retirement without having to pay taxes on it immediately. But this money becomes taxable income the moment you start withdrawing it.” 3.

Health care expenses — While retirement can bring about a time of relaxation, it can also bring with it the complications of age.

“Your medical expenses will go up after retirement and the further into retirement you are, the higher your expenses will likely be,” says Waddington. “It’s a major mistake that too many pre-retirees make. That said, there are three things you can do to guard against this: invest properly, consider long-term care insurance and keep your body healthy.” For more information about Waddington Wealth Management Group, visit their website, and to receive your own free online copy of “The 10 most common retirement mistakes and how to avoid them” send them an email or call Quinn Waddington directly at 604-699-0874. You can also find Waddington Wealth Management Group on Facebook and Twitter. Canaccord Genuity Wealth Management is a division of Canaccord Genuity Corp., Member — CIPF and IIROC.

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