September 2010 | Your community humour magazine | issue 120
It was a day of sunshine, soap, and suds, as the Piffle Advertising Team and friends washed cars for charity. Thanks go to the Terminal Pub for providing the venue.
Photo by Trevor Batstone
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604-618-8987
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September 2010
Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
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Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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September 2010
BACK TO SCHOOL PROMO We’ll pay the HST for all Trio pkg’s of 30, 45 or 60 min treatments when purchased in the month of Sept!
SAVE UP TO $50
“To workers who have contributed so much to our city… Happy Labour Day.” – Councillor Bill Harper
Q & A Q. What do you call a fairy who doesn’t take a bath? A. Stinkerbell! Q. What is the richest kind of air? A. Millionaire. Q. Which is faster, cold or heat? A. Heat, you can catch a cold! Q. What jam can’t be eaten on toast? A. A traffic jam!
604-525-9027
pifflemagazine@shaw.ca Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank piffleproduction@gmail.com
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Advertising Executives Bailey Murphy: 604-512-9116 Marquie Murphy: 778-887-5239 Liza Kolbuck: 778-898-2146 George Labash: 604-525-4105 Ferdinand Pascual: 778-862-7261 Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
5
Shark Wisdom Why do Sharks circle you before attacking? Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. “First we swim around them a few times
Q. How many birthdays does the average man have?
with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better after they poop.”
I Thought I Heard You Say… A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more. “Have a nice soak in the bath and I’ll bring
TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG
you a drink,” she suggested smiling.
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
forward to being waited on.
“Good idea,” says the husband looking
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
He’s in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
happily. “If there’s anything else you’d like just call,” says the wife as she leaves the bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very
named for a Dog? How often do you see a
warm Summer’s evening, the wife comes in
cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
with a fluffy bed warmer
Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’? Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in
“What the heck is that for?” asks the husband snappily. “Oh Darling,” says the wife,
the forest and no human hears him, is he still
flustered, “I thought I heard you say,
a bad Dog?
“Whataboutahottawaterbottle.”
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Q & A Q. What has a head and a tail but no body? A. A coin!
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September 2010
Grad Day
The next morning he got up early and
At graduation, everybody is going to get
left for work. When his wife woke up, she
their diploma but Tom. At the assembly
looked out the window and sure enough
Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle
graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a
of the driveway.
moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left
out to the driveway, brought the box back in
hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom,
the house.
how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give
What Cat Sounds Mean
Tom another chance!”
Maow… Feed me. Meeow… Pet me.
BOB THE NOB
Mrooww… I love you.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
Miioo-oo-oo… I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up. Mioawmioaw… Since I can find nothing
0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
better to play with, I shall see what happens
THERE!!”
when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Raowwwww… I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. Mrowwwww… I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet. Roww-maww-roww… I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. Gakk-ak-ak… My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. Mow… Snuggling is a good idea.
Q & A Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 15.
Q. What did the light say when it was turned off? A. I am delighted!
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A Salute to All Workers for Labour Day.
Waffle House will be celebrating their
One Year Anniversary on Oct. 01 and will be happy to give FREE DESERT to all patrons.
26 $16 $
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September 2010 HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked, with beer.
REAL HEADLINES Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands Miners Refuse To Work After Death Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
IF SOMEONE SAYS THIS, IT’S PROBABLY A LIE The check is in the mail. I’m from your government, and I am here to help you. You get this one, I’ll pay next time. My wife doesn’t understand me. Trust me, I’ll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
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ALL ABOARD A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”
WARNINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON ALCOHOL BOTTLES WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a weenie. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
Rockroom Karaokee Friday and Saturday Night Sept. 10 & 11 @ 7:00pm
FREE MEAT BINGO
Thursdays 6:00pm–8:00pm Sundays 3:00pm–5:00pm
KARAOKE WITH CAL
Bob Marlow is back Performing on Friday & Satuday Sept. 17 & 18 @ 7:00pm 2x2 Performing Live on Friday & Saturday Sept. 24 & 25 @ 7:00pm
Every Thursday @ 8:00pm
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September 2010 BEARLY CHRISTIAN There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big
Fire Prevention Week October 3rd to 9th, 2010 JOIN US at the Glenbrook Fire Hall Open House / Safety Fair You are invited to join the New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services professionals and our Community Partners in an exciting day of fun and education for the entire family.
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010 10 am to 2 pm Glenbrook Fire Hall 1 East Sixth Avenue New Westminster, BC (parking available at Canada Games Pool)
FREE ADMISSION! • • • • • •
Live demonstrations Equipment Displays Fire Safety House Sparky the Fire Dog Meet our community partners Barbeque – by donation
All proceeds to New Westminster Fire Fighters’ Charitable Society For more Information please contact us:
604.519.1004
light appear and said, “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
YOUR MONKEY’S GOT HIS BEHIND IN MY BEER Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his rump on top of a drunk’s glass. The drunk yells, “Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his behind in my beer?” The organ grinder replies, “No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I’ll pick it up from there.”
WARNINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON ALCOHOL BOTTLES WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may
Email: fire@newwestcity.ca
cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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September 2010
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Heritage Walking tours
Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 1:30 PM. This year is the 150th anniversary of the arrival of the Catholic Church in New Westminster. This walking tour will visit a number of sites. The site of the first mission will be noted along with other church buildings, schools, a hospital, halls, and residences, and other related places. Starting at the New Westminster City Hall. Contact Name: Archie and Dale Miller, 604-526-6113 or email information@senseofhistory.com.
urBan FarMers Fall Fair
Queensborough Community Centre at 920 Ewen Ave, New Westminster September 19, 11am – 5pm. It’s a little bit of country, in the middle of the City! Put on your overalls and your straw hat and get ready to kick back for an old time country fair. Compare your picks with the judges’ as local gardeners proudly compete for biggest tomato, most colourful vegetables and tastiest preserves. Buy some fresh-cut flowers, or fruit and vegetables direct from the growers. And don’t miss the entertainment stage, where there are performances all day long. Be sure to stay for the pie auction at days end — your chance to bid on the prize winners. Contact the Queensborough Community Centre at 604-525-7388.
sunday services
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church, 486 E. Columbia St., New Westminster at 10:30 am include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Tuesday evening programs resume September 28, 2010 at 7:30 with singer and medium Rosemary Phillips. www.ubsc.ca or 604-588-9624.
3rd annual keitH logan MeMorial golF tournaMent
The New Westminster Police Service is hosting the third annual Keith Logan Memorial golf tournament on September 20th, 2010 at Golden Eagle Golf course in Pitt Meadows. The NWPS Golf Committee is seeking the assistance from local corporations, businesses, and individuals who are willing to make a charitable donation to this worthy cause. Donations are being accepted in the form of cash, merchandise, or by purchasing advertising space on one of the golf courses signature holes or by sponsoring a hole in one prize. A hole sponsorship entails a minimum $500 donation and in return the sponsor will receive a corporate sign displayed on the tee box of one
of the 18 holes and one complimentary entry into the tournament including the dinner and prizes. Our goal this year is to have every hole sponsored. All donations over $25 are tax deductible and the charity registration number is 894850635RR0001 and receipts are available upon request.
s/sgt Joe spindor, cHair nWps golF coMMittee pot oF gold cHarity golF tournaMent
Thursday, September 23, 2010, Mayfair Lakes Golf and Country Club 5460 No. 7 Rd., Richmond, BC. $195.00 (Includes Golf, Cart & Dinner). $75.00 Tax Receipt issued. Net proceeds to the Royal City Rotary Club,Queen’s Park Healthcare Foundation and the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce.
are you in tHe vip?
The New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Association offers a free program to the residents of New Westminster to assist emergency personnel in the event of a medical emergency. The Vital Information Program is a simple, yet critical tool to have in your home to aide first responders with all your medical history. It’s simply a plastic pill bottle with a form inside indicating each household member’s medical conditions, medications, allergies, doctor and emergency contacts. The vial is placed in either your refrigerator or medicine cabinet and a sticker is placed on the outside of the location to indicate its existence. When experiencing a medical emergency, the people who are first on scene rely on this information to give proper treatment. You may not be able to speak or those around you may not know specifics on your medications or allergies. The VIP bottle allows you to concentrate on receiving proper care, your loved ones to support you, and the medical personnel to administer the best care possible. The bottles are available from the New Westminster fire halls, city hall or call 604522-0030 for more information.
We are open Monday to tHursday 9aM – 7pM Friday 9aM – 6pM saturday 9aM – 4pM sunday 9aM – 3pM
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September 2010 A CLARINET IS BITTER My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano.” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.” “How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”
JOE? A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the
Labour Day Greetings to all who make our City work
rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else”. The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time”. The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says “DiMaggio?”
NOT TO SMART One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
15
this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to
and returned it to her. The lady looked into
fight so hard for a 25 cents. “Was that all you
her handbag and commented, “Hmm... That’s
wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after
funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20
the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”
bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The
YOUR OUT OF ORDER A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward.”
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette
THANKS A LOT PARTNER Two guys rob a store, they burst out the
vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
door running as they hear the sirens of cop
As he approaches the machine, it starts
cars coming closer. The two dive into two
screaming and shouting at him. He runs to
separate bushes hoping they won’t get caught.
the bar and explains this to the barman. The
Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and
barman apologizes and says “The peanuts are
the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more
complimentary, but the cigarette machine is
nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys
out of order”!
out the bush laughing “Busted”. As he drags the robber off he looks back
FANCY COOKING
shaking his head in shame... “Come on
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their
John!!!!!!!!” he screams “They got US!”
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way… ‘Take a clean dish.”
CASH EXCHANGE A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle
escape MAZE
of shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM PAGE 6
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September 2010
Postcard Puzzlers
of the Past: Part 1 by the Hainswor ths
A
most intriguing and enjoyable source for historical research is the annotated picture postcard.
Less formal than official documents and more anecdotal than newspapers, this form of personal correspondence is sometimes classed as ephemera to the collector, but can lead the historian in many fascinating lines of inquiry. Characterized by a frontal image and personalized writing on the back, these cards often represent a single historic moment of significance. Cheap souvenirs at the time, these picture postcards were, and still are, collectable whether kept uncirculated or posted. Our featured postcard this month is Courtesy of the Hainsworth Collection fronted with a hand-coloured image of two ships with the following printed text, “HMS that same day for the opening, staying throughout the Shearwater. The last of its class in commission. fair. The Indian canoe party accompaniment, an event An Indian war canoe, a relic of the past, on their annual seen at previous Exhibitions and during city visits of visit to the fair at New Westminster, B.C.” other significant people, were along side each other and Research quickly took us to The Canadian Navy photographed by Phillip Timms, well-known for turn of Heritage Project online, revealing that the HMS Shearwater the century Vancouver street scenes. Early professional was one of six Condor class sloops commissioned for the photographers of the period would commonly market their Royal Navy and built in England between 1898 & 1900. images as postcards since private photography was rather These sloops were steel constructed, powered by four rare and expensive. Belleville boilers and a 1,400 horsepower three-cylinder The front text also reveals more cultural attitudes by vertical triple expansion steam engine that sailed at a describing the Indian canoe as a “relic of the past”. top speed of 12 Knots. Designed and built with barqueEdwardian-held opinions included the perception rigged sails, they featured six 4-inch quick loading guns. that such primitive “relics” would fade into memory These sloops became quickly obsolete for the purposes of with assimilation and the new modernity of the Empire. defending the maritime British Empire, surpassed by more Ironically, the Shearwater itself became a relic while the powerful engine only ships, explaining in part why only six First Nations’ canoes still paddle the river today. were built. The personalized text on this postcard’s back also The Shearwater launched in 1900, was assigned to provides interesting information. The card has been patrol the Pacific Coast from the Royal Navy base in postally-used, with a New Westminster postal mark, Esquimalt, B.C. During World War I, with rigging removed, cancelled in the morning post on May 24th, 1907, and it was lent by the British Admiralty to the Royal Canadian posted 8 months after the 1906 fair. Addressed in pencil Navy (RCN) as a submarine escort through the Panama to Miss Alice Bradshaw of Lindsay, Ontario and dated Canal to Halifax. Later serving as an RCN support vessel 23/05/07, the message is very short and reads: Dear Alice, on the Atlantic until 1919, it was decommissioned and sold we are all well and hope you are. becoming a merchant ship renamed the Vedas. G.T. Bradshaw. The sender of the card is George The 1906 Provincial Exhibition was a particularly Tennent Bradshaw, who started working for the NW Police significant fair for New Westminster. It was opened by in 1905. Born June 26, 1852 in Durham, Ontario, he became Governor-General Albert Henry George Grey, (father of the Chief of Police in 1911 and in his first year as Chief had CFL championship Grey Cup). Included were local VIP’s investigated the famous Bank of Montreal Robbery (written Mayor W.H. Keary, and Agricultural Society president, about in previous columns). He retired in 1929, and lived T.J. Trapp. The Shearwater had arrived on the waterfront Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
17
until 1946, passing away in Vancouver. His relationship to Miss Alice has yet to be researched, but it can be assumed by the shared name that they were related. Besides being a lovely piece of ephemera, picture postcards like this show how such sources can provide clues to a wealth of fascinating information through research and fruitful speculation. The place of Miss Alice’s residence, previously called Purdy’s Mill (1825), was renamed Lindsay in 1835 after an assistant to the town’s surveyor. Incorporated in 1857, most of the town was ravaged in its Great Fire of 1861. It is also interesting to think George & Miss Alice might have seen similarities in New West’s beginnings (1859), and its losses in its own Great Fire of
WORKSHOP ON OCTOBER 17, 2010
Facilitated by Julie H. Feguson & Debra Purdy Kong
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1898. This type of informed speculation adds depth and colour to the nature of historic research. One final such whimsy that forms a cross-connection linking the postcard’s front and back, is The Daily Columbian of October 1st and 5th, 1906, recording that four sailors deserted the Shearwater during its stay off New West. We wonder: was Officer Bradshaw involved in the search for those men, and did he ever catch them? Postcard puzzlers are like that. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth and Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
POETS & OPEN MIC Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Sept 12 HELENE LEVASSEUR Sept 19 FRANCI LOUANN Sept 26 RUTH KOZAK
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September 2010
KARL WOULD HAVE LIKED THIS
that beer and a few minutes later says,
How about the two old men, one a retired
“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to
professor of psychology and the other a
start any minute.”
retired professor of history. Their wives had
The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that
talked them into a two week stay at a hotel
all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and
in Vancouver. They were sitting around on
sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a
the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
The history professor said to the psychology
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
professor, “Have you read Marx?” To which the professor of psychology said, “Yes, I think it’s the wicker chairs.”
THE TALKING CLOCK While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into
BEFORE IT STARTS
the den. “What is the big brass gong and
A man comes home from an exhausting day
hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That
at work, plops down on the couch in front
is the talking clock,” the man replied.
of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me
“How’s it work?”
a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and
“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to
gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes
give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”
Book Launch & Exhibition Anvil Press is pleased to invite you to the book launch for A Room In the City, the photographs of Gabor Gasztonyi, with an Introduction by Gabor Maté. A Room In the City features over 150 intimate photographs of the residents of five Downtown Eastside Vancouver hotels. Please join us . . .
Thursday, Sept. 2nd • 7:00 pm Vancouver Photo Workshops Gallery 14 West 7th Avenue @ Ontario Street. (Next to Café Hermosa.)
Refreshments & hors d’oeuvres • Ample free parking in the area
note: Cash or cheque only for book purchases. 160 pages • 11 x 7 Hardcover • $40. copies also available online @ www.anvilpress.com
Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
19
“Back to School” $4.99
$7.99
for Half Panini & Small Coffee
for a Fresh Wrap & Small Coffee
Offer expires Sept 30, 2010
Offer expires Sept 30, 2010
715 Columbia St, New Westminster
715 Columbia St, New Westminster
CITY FOLKS
around and then he takes the newspaper and
“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have
brings it to me.
any horns?” asked the young lady from
Second Woman: “I know.”
a nearby city. The farmer cocked his
First Woman: “How?”
head for a moment, then began in a
Second Woman: “My dog told me.”
patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.
THE KETCHUP BOTTLE
Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup
a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the
to come out of the bottle. During her struggle
young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of
the phone rang so she asked her four-year-
acid where their horns would grow in, and
old daughter to answer the phone.
that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some
“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to
breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t
But the reason this cow don’t have no
come to the phone right now. She’s hitting
horns, ma’am, is ‘cause it’s a horse.”
the bottle.”
PAPER TRAINED DOG
WARNINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON ALCOHOL BOTTLES
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may
First Woman: “My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come
leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
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September 2010
A FOOD GUIDE FOR BACHELORS CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of
speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
FIX MY DOG-GONE PROBLEM, DOC A man walked into the office of the eminent
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its
psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down
container and bounce it on the floor, it has
to explain his problem. “Doctor, doctor!” he
gone bad.
started. “No need to repeat yourself, my
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
good man,” replied the doctor. “One ‘doctor’
EGGS: When something starts pecking its
is enough.”
way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
“Yes, well, you see, I’ve got this problem,” the man continued. “I keep hallucinating that
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have
I’m a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees
roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
mountain dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than
to do!”
your teeth.
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a
soothingly. “Come over here and lie down on the couch.”
clove hitch in is not fresh. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard
“Oh no, Doctor. I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
the Tupperware along with the food. Generally
WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
21
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go…
GOLF WITH THE WIFE Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A man staggered into a hospital with a
what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
back and said, “I had to walk home.”
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, “What
MEDICAL ARTS
happened to you?”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with
had been any interest in his paintings
my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both
currently on display. “I’ve got good news
sliced our balls into a cow pasture.”
and bad news,” the owner replied. “The
We went to look for them and while I was
good news is that a gentleman inquired
looking around I noticed one of the cows had
about your work and wondered if it would
something white at its rear end.
appreciate in value after your death. When
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure
I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of
enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s
your paintings.”
monogram on it… stuck right in the middle
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed, “What’s the bad news?”
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my
With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”
of the cow’s butt. wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that.”
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
22
September 2010 CLASSIFIED ADS Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale.
NEW PRACTICAL NURSING PROGRAMS HEALTH CARE ASSISTANT (FORMERLY RESIDENT CARE start ATTENDANT/HOME SUPPORT) SEPTEMBER 27, 2010 EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION BUSINESS/PAYROLL ADMINISTRATOR
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Evening Biology Classes start Sept 7, 2010
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
A. 1 Just one!
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salar y. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
G W B A L I F B I G I U D L P
S A N W A D L Q I U D B N A E
F R D E B Q F N P L Q W I O E
V E E C O Z G L U N R R W C N
23
Q O D K U E A S F U K Q D K E
I R Q E R I E K T N H W O X J
Y B V E R O I J L R H R O F T
C Z G O H A W Y B T I A G H M
Z L M X M I T I E I L K D S Q
X E G O V Y V I C O X Z E L E
M C Y K R I C T O U N I O N S
M C U M B E R L A N P O A E G
T Y I Y S W Q M C R H J N P O
G Z P P L A R E N E G I V M T
Q Q S Y M V U I N G M R L M C
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
WORD SEARCH COAL CUMBERLAN FEDERATION GENERAL GINGER GOODWIN LABOUR MEMORIAL MINES STRIKE UNIONS WORKERS
24
September 2010
ALL STAR WRESTLING PRESENTS
“A Night with the BEAST ” 2010 8PM Friday September 10th, rs Hall Doors at 7PM, Carpente inster 726 12th St, New Westm
Nyansa Inc. Counselling Services
604 Columbia Street, Suite 417
Times need not be tough for you. Let counselling work for you. Enjoy a trained professional who does not just listen, but actively guides and motivates you — in a personal and caring manner. Effective support is just a call away!
Call 604.517.1299 or visit www.passion-4-life.com
ounce that UFC Hall Of Famer, All Star Wrestling is proud to ann to ASW. He will be taking Dan “THE BEAST” Severn is coming main event on September on “Bomber” Nelson Creed in the Severn after two intense 10th. Creed won the spot against ny Lush. The first match matches with “Loose Cannon” Ken stminster July 24th. The was a 20 minute draw in New We couver. Since an opponent rematch August 13th in North Van missioner Scotty Van Driver needed to be picked, Special Com called the toss but Nelson decided to have a coin flip. Lush Creed was the victor. A ASW TR ANS CANAD TITLE 2/3 Falls ous Michelle Starr Disco Fury (Champion) vs Gorge (Challenger) GRUDGE M ATCH vada vs “Mr. Beefy Goodness” Vance Ne Massive Damage CH KENDO STICK M AT aki Seth Knight vs The Great Kas CKET RETURN OF THE RO ck Murphy “Rocket” Randy Tyler vs Dropki LING GIRLS GONE WREST Raven Lake vs Aurora TAG TEA M ACTION Ryder & Adam Fedyk The Volcano & Mr. India vs Sky
Tickets: $20 Ringside: $15 General Admission Available in Advance at: Central City Comix in Surrey or Talking Illustrations in New Westminster NEXT SHOW: Friday October 8 at Carpenters Hall www.aswcanada.com | 604-710-0872 Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
25
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 (604) 433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
TWO OLD FRIENDS Two senior ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, “I realize we’ve known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind… would you please tell me your name again, dear?” There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, “How soon do you need to know?”
WAYS TO SAY “YOUR FLY IS OPEN” The cucumber has left the salad. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson… Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
THE GREAT ESCAPE Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit. Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
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September 2010
DON’T FORGET
She then said, “Well I would also like some
An 80 year old couple were having problems
strawberries on top. You had better write
remembering things, so they decided to go to
that down because I know you’ll forget that.”
their doctor to get checked out to make sure
He said, “I can remember that, you want a
nothing was wrong with them.
bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She
When they arrived at the doctors, they
replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream
explained to the doctor about the problems
on top. I know you will forget that so you
they were having with their memory. After
better write it down.”
checking the couple out, the doctor told them
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t
that they were physically okay but might want
need to write that down! I can remember
to start writing things down and make notes
that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After
to help them remember things.
about 20 minutes he returned from the
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and
Later that night while watching TV, the man
eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment
got up from his chair and his wife asked,
and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down!
“Where are you going?” He replied, “To the
You forgot my toast!”
kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl asked him, “Don’t you think you should write
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
it down so you can remember it?” He said,
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then
“No, I can remember that.”
1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’… He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’ 2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’… He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’ 3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’… He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’ 4. He is not ‘BALDING’… He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’ 5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’… He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’ 6. I t’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants… It’s ‘REAR CLEAVAGE’.
Q & A Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? A. No thanks, I’m stuffed! Q. What has arms and legs, but no head? A. A chair! Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
27
LIZA’S
“A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.” — Henry Ford I also heard on a TV show (can’t remember which one) that profit shouldn’t be a dirty word. Sure I’m selling Mary Kay makeup to earn a living but making people feel better is just as important, if not more. My friends a long time ago use to go shopping and try out really crazy outfits. The clerk of course would be polite and say, “Oh yes, that’s nice on you”, when it clearly wasn’t. As we got older we started realizing that maybe it wasn’t so funny she was agreeing with everything. Was the sale more important than doing right by the customer? Do I want the famous Mary Kay Cadillac? Without a doubt. Here’s the difference though, I’m not going to sell you anything you don’t need. We have many lovely products and I will discuss at length each and everyone of them with you but I’m not going to force you to buy them. Tell me what you want your skin to look like, share the big upcoming night, and I’ll help you get the right skin care and colours you need. Nothing more and most certainly nothing less. I’m a great listener and I look forward to teaching you how to use our products. Like spring, I find September/Fall a transitional period into something new and exciting. For a Mary Kay girl like myself, the new catalogue of The Look comes out. Fashion trends go from light and airy into new colours and texture. School is starting, everyone is mostly back from vacation and the wardrobe is changing. I’d love to help you with a new skin care system, let you try out some pampering products and show you some colours to go with the new clothes. Let me get to know you because I think a fabulous person like you deserves some 1-on-1 attention, don’t you? Find my blog online: http://my-makeup.info
HOROSCOPES
SEPTEMBER 2010
ARIES: Don’t let conflict get you down. This month just put on a smile, breath deeply. Money could come to you. TAURUS: Partnerships are the name of the game this month for you. Cooperation and good communication are the main themes. GEMINI: Watch your tongue with co-workers; they may get on your nerves but this will pass. Your daily life heats up. CANCER: You want fun and games this month. Get out and have some good times with friends and potential lovers. The heat is on. LEO: You have the itch to fix up the home, now is a good time to make the home more pleasing and comfortable. Then relax and enjoy your pretty surroundings. VIRGO: You want to get your point across this and so you shall. Your mind is briming with ideas. Just be sure to listen and not just talk. LIBRA: This month you can earn what your worth. Money is on your mind just be sure not to identify yourself with what you own. SCORPIO: You ooze sexuality at the best of times but this month your on fire. Tone down the agression and you can expect wonderful returns. SAGITTARIUS: You just want to hide away this month and get into your dreams. Insights will come through dreams and self evaluation. Just don’t block out others completely. CAPRICORN: Your putting alot of energy into your hopes and wishes this month. Be realistic about them and much happiness will occur. AQUARIUS: Show the authority figures in your life just want you can achieve and expect positive feedback; a raise maybe? Home is where the heart is. PICSES: Going back to school may be on your mind at this time. If your thinking about travel, you may expect delays. Plan ahead.
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
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September 2010
Holland Shopping Centre Did you know that Sapperton has a local deli?
Clip ‘n’ Save!
25% off your next deli purchase! 141 E. Columbia St. (Corner of E. Columbia and Brunette) New Westminster, BC, V3L 3V9
*Coupon must be present. Valid for September 2010. Discount only on regular priced meat and cheese only. Not valid with any other offers.
“Your Up” (Don’t say that backwards!) There is a two-letter word that perhaps
dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be
has more meanings than any other two-letter
opened UP because it is stopped UP. We
word, and that is ”UP.”
open UP a store in the morning but we close
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
but when we awaken in the morning, why
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses
do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a
of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In
topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and
a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost
why are the officers UP for election and
1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you
a report?
might try building UP a list of the many ways
We call UP our friends. And we use it to
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we
but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the
with a hundred or more. When it threatens to
kitchen. We lock UP the house and some
rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
guys fix UP the old car. At other times the
comes out we say it is clearing UP.
little word has real special meaning. People
Oh… one more thing. What is the first thing
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP
you do in the morning and the last thing you
an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be
do at night? U-P.
Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
29
CREATION VS EVOLUTION A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and
here for?"
Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
made."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father
luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and
ETTER TELL HIM Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to
says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told
climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached
me that the human race was created by God ,
the top, jumped into the air waving his front
and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
legs and crashed to the ground. After
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very
recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
simple. I told you about the origin of my side of
jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried
the family, and your father told you about his.”
again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally,
IT WORKS FOR THIS PERSON A man is riding on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he
the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks: “Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?” “I’m chasing away the elephants.” “Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.” “Well that means it's working!”
Kids In Hospital Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
30
September 2010
MAYOR WRIGHT’S 7th Annual Charity
LAWN B WLS Sunday September 12, Noon-4pm
To enter your team or to make a cash pledge please call Cheryl Gauld 604-942-4407 Marvin Martin 604-521-1937
WE APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT!
The teams from this popular event always have a great time and camaraderie. The Lawn Bowls Club volunteers will once again be preparing a wonderful luncheon. Bring out your team, dressed in a roaring 20s theme. Celebrate the First Decade to Emphasize “Youth Culture”
ENTERTAINMENT by Calvin Donnelly
RAFFLE PRIZES! INN AT THE QUAY ELEGANT EVENING CAR CARE PACKAGE RIVER MARKET SHOPPING SPREE LA RUSTICA RESTAURANT DINNER FOR 4
VALUE $500.00 VALUE $365.00 VALUE $250.00 VALUE $200.00
PROCEEDS TO
Lead Sponsor
Century House Youth Centre in Moody Park Royal Columbian Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
Media Sponsor
New Westminster Lawn Bowling Club 710 - 8th Street in Moody Park
FUN!
FOOD!
SILENT AUCTION! Your Community Humour Magazine
Lunch Sponsor
Refreshments and barbecue hosted by
DOOR PRIZES!
September 2010
31
Debt too high? No cash at the end of the month?
Do you own your own home? Do a debt consolidation loan with one mortgage payment! We have rates as low as prime -.70 % (2.05%) I CAN HELP YOU PAY OFF YOUR BILLS. O.A.C. rates subject to change.
Call Dennis Eng 778-846-5559 or Email: deng@mortgagegrp.com
and debt in 1/2-1/3 the time with the same pay check.
Save Interest, Live Wealthy!
WHY PAY 18% WHEN YOU CAN PAY 2.05%
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
32
September 2010
Sargent’s City Scene Keith Logan Memorial Golf Tournament September 20, 2010 Golden Eagle North Course in Pitt Meadows Best Ball Format, Shotgun Start at 1330 hours. Tickets are only $90 per person and includes 18 holes of golf, with a power cart, a beautiful buffet dinner, a small contribution to Crossroads Hospice, as well as tax and gratuity. To participate, contact Joe Spindor. Phone (604) 529-2417, Cell (604) 619-3065. Email jspindor@nwpolice.org. The New Westminster Police Service is hosting the third annual Keith Logan Memorial golf tournament on September 20th, 2010 at Golden Eagle Golf course in Pitt Meadows. Keith Logan was a valued member of the New Westminster Police service for 17 years and was extremely involved in the creation of the Municipal Undercover Program. Keith loved playing the bagpipes and spent many years touring and playing with the Vancouver Pipe Band, as well as piping at numerous other venues for the New Westminster police and many other agencies. His wife Deborah, and three children Ryan, Keighla, and Brett, were extremely proud of his many accomplishments, including his love for golf. Keith was diagnosed with cancer and was given a very short time to live. He spent his final time with his family and friends at the Crossroads Hospice and received incredible support and care each and every day. Keith succumbed to his illness on September 17th,
2007 and has been greatly missed by all that knew him. As Keith was an avid golfer, The New Westminster Police have chosen to dedicate their police service tournament in his name, with the proceeds going to the Crossroads Hospice, who did so much for his family in their time of need. As Keith was involved in many different areas with many people, they feel this would provide an excellent opportunity for family and friends to get together and honour his life with a game of golf, dinner and a few drinks. His wife Deborah will be golfing, along with some family friends, as well as the many police officers that Keith worked with over the years. The NWPS Golf Committee is seeking the assistance from local corporations, businesses, and individuals who are willing to make a charitable donation to this worthy cause. Donations are being accepted in the form of cash, merchandise, or by purchasing advertising space on one of the golf courses signature holes or by sponsoring a hole in one prize. A hole sponsorship entails a minimum $500 donation and in return the sponsor will receive a corporate sign displayed on the tee box of one of the 18 holes and one complimentary entry into the tournament including the dinner and prizes. Our goal this year is to have every hole sponsored. All donations over $25 are tax deductible and the charity registration number is 894850635RR0001 and receipts are available upon request.
Your Community Humour Magazine
September 2010
33
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t New Westminster Wins 2010 Downtown Merit Award The International Downtown Association has recognized the City of New Westminster with a 2010 Downtown Merit Award for the New Westminster Downtown Community Plan. The Downtown Community Plan is a comprehensive strategy that outlines sustainable, high density growth in the city’s downtown core while respecting heritage assets, and provides for new amenities such as parks, cultural and recreational services, improved access to the Fraser River and promotes transit oriented employment. “The Downtown Community Plan is a visionary document that reflects the participation of over 1000 individuals including local businesses, community organizations, residents, and other key stakeholders,” said Lisa Spitale, Director of Development Services. “We are very proud of this plan and are excited by the transformation that is taking place in the Downtown.” 73 projects and initiatives were submitted in this category from organizations working to further their city centres by one or more of the following: wwCreating successful programs and strategies to recruit new businesses or to improve retention efforts in their downtown cores wwRecruiting new sectors to the downtown economy wwCreating successful bricks and mortar projects that have created or enhanced economic development efforts through creative financing, unique operating strategies, or public-private partnerships “Congratulations to all involved directly and all departments who were working alongside
SUNDAY SEPT 5 (LABOUR DAY) • Basket Raffle • Meat Draws • 60/40 Draw SATURDAY SEPT 18 • Hawaiian Nite w/ Hawaiian Buffet • Karaoke w/ Cal Donnelly 4pm – 10pm • Meat Draws • 60/40 Draw • Putting Green THE ELKS IS NOW WI-FI FRIENDLY!
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
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September 2010
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t this winning project,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “Once more we are proud of our hardworking staff, and this award brings recognition they richly deserve.” The Washington, D.C. based International Downtown Association (IDA) is a champion for vital and livable urban centres and strives to inform, influence, and inspire downtown leaders and advocates. The IDA is a guiding force in creating healthy and dynamic centres that anchor the well-being of towns, cities, and regions.
Wishmaker Walk for Wishes 2010 Downtown New Westminster, BC, Saturday, October 16th 12pm. Registration: 11:00am at Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia Street. Post-Event Celebration 1:00pm at Waterfront Stage, 810 Quayside Drive. For further information, please contact Tom Leslie, Event Coordinator, BC/ Yukon 604-299-2241 ext. 222, email tom.leslie@ childrenswish.ca Ways To Turn Men Down HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money. HE: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
The Children’s Wish Foundation of Canada wwChildren’s Wish is a grass-roots charity established in 1984 by a committed volunteer. wThey w have grown into a National organization with chapters in every province. wThey w have granted over 15,000 wishes to date to children suffering from high-risk illnesses.
Their mission wTo w ensure every child enjoys an enhanced quality of life, including the experience of laughter, shared joy and memories with the important people in their lives.
Our vision wwChildren’s Wish works with the community to provide children living with life-threatening illnesses the
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must’ve been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend. HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Your Community Humour Magazine
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one? HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
September 2010
35
opportunity to realize their most heartfelt wish. “We are proud to say that we have never denied an eligible child a heart-felt wish!”
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t
Wishmaker Walk for Wishes (WMW) is Children’s Wish’s annual signature event raising $1.8 million towards granting heart-felt wishes to children with life-threatening illnesses. wwis a fun-filled, family-oriented event A pledge-based walk is followed by celebration, including entertainment and prizing wwwill take place in 103 communities across Canada on the weekend of October 16th and 17th, 2010 wwattracts families, volunteers, schools, community groups, small businesses and large corporate partners and individuals of all ages wwtheir volunteers or Wishmakers make an important contribution by collecting pledges prior to walk day and walking the route in their area
the square made for many beautiful Friday evenings. We had a great time listening to tunes, sipping on Waves coffees and enjoying free dance lessons from Dance With Me Studios. All in all, this summer of music lifted our spirits and our feet, and had us dancing and singing along. Of course, none of these fun times could have been had without the help of some very talented and generous individuals. The Downtown New Westminster BIA would like to give a big thank you to Waves Coffee house for being the headlining sponsor of the event and making Music In the Square possible. We would also like to thank The City of New Westminster, The Parks, Culture and Recreation Board, Janice Stevens & Dance With Me Studios, Calvin Donnelly, Rob Scurrah, The Quayside Residents Association and The Downtown Residents Association. With the summer almost over and the fall leaves beginning to tumble, we are left with the wonderful memory of ten glorious Fridays of Music in the Square 2010, and we can’t wait for next summer!
Benefits of a WMW Sponsorship
Appreciation Night Thank You
What is the Wishmaker Walk for Wishes?
wwEnhanced community profile wTarget w key audiences wwIncreased brand exposure wwDemonstration of corporate social responsibility wwOpportunity to enhance employee morale and company pride
Ten Nights Of Wonderful Music in the Square This year the annual Music in the Square event grew by leaps and bounds over the ten nights from June to August. Balmy summer nights and a wonderful melody dancing through
The Downtown New Westminster BIA has extended thanks to all of the volunteers who came out for the Show and Shine Volunteer Appreciation Dinner on Thursday, August 26th. “Each and everyone one of the kind individuals who donated their time in putting on this year’s Show and Shine is an asset to the weekend’s event and to the community of New Westminster.” Said Virginia Bremner, Executive Director, BIA. The event was a great success with great food, friends and prizes for a few lucky individuals. The BIA would like to thanked the following local business for kindly donating the prizes for the evening: Millers
Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
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September 2010
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Jewelers, Columbia Integrated Health, The Westminster Club, Ki Sushi, The Urban Gypsy, Moody Beads, The Heritage Grill, Scholar’s Quay Antiques, and Scotiabank. We would also like to thank Drink Urban Lounge for providing a great atmosphere and delicious treats. Honourable mention to INN at the Quay and Paddle Wheeler Pub for all of their generous support throughout the summer!
Starlight Casino 2010 Outdoor Concert Series: Guess Who’s Coming to New Westminster?
September 24, 2010 @ 7:00pm. Some of the greatest names in Rock n’ Roll History come to the Starlight! Saturday September 4th: Chuck Negron, Saturday September 11th: Foghat, Saturday September 18th: Blood, Sweat & Tears Friday September 24th: The Guess Who The Starlight Casino, 350 Gifford Street New Westminster, BC (In Queensborough). 604-777-2946. www.starlightcasino.ca
Filipino Funny Man at Massey Theatres
September 18, 8PM. Rex Navarrete is a Filipino American comedian whose material is geared toward Filipino audiences. He started his Starlight Rocks Summer 2010 Outdoor career in 1989 with a performance at University Concert Series. Saturday September 4 to Friday of California Santa Cruz. He has since performed in over two dozen colleges and universities as well as various The Price Of A Mistake comedy clubs and festivals, and he has A minister recognized the young man standing at toured extensively throughout North the back of the church one Sunday as someone America, Europe, Asia and Australia. whose wedding ceremony he had conducted a few Tickets $59 orchestra section & $49 months earlier. After the service, the young man balcony. Box Office 604-521-5050. was waiting to talk to the minister. “Tell me, Reverend, do you believe that someone should profit from the mistakes of others?” “Definitely not,” said the minister. “In which case can I have back the 50 dollars I paid you for the wedding?”
Phone Message “I am not available right now, but thank you for
Lafflines Comedy Club Lafflines Fresh Faces Showcase Sept 15th, 8pm at Lafflines Comedy Club, 4th St and Columbia. A special Comedy Fest night featuring new Vancouver area comics. Emcee Janice Bannister. For reservations call 604525-2262.
caring enough to call. I am making some changes
Fall 2010 Comedy Classes
in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
Words My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Laughter Zone 101 September 20 to November 8th Monday 7–9pm (no class October 11th). New Westminster Secondary School, $95. To register call 604-517-6345. For description of the classes, visit www.laughterzone101.com. SARGENT’S CITY SCENE end
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Serving Smiles to New Westminster & Burnaby
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September 2010
When you do business with us, your community profits too. At Vancity, we share a portion of our profits with our members and communities each year through our Shared Success program. Our community investment in 2010 will be more than $15 million, representing 30% of our net profits. Our profits stay local and are shared with the members of our cooperative and the communities we serve. It’s a great reason to join us.
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Your Community Humour Magazine