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October 2010 | Your community humour magazine | issue 121
Quantum is the latest Cafe Bistro in the heart of New Westminster. Owner Hakim Abdou offers a variety of healthy fresh Sandwiches, Paninis, Homemade Soups, and Speciality Coffees. See pages 20 & 21
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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October 2010
We gratefully acknowledge the following $1000+ donors: Justin Morneau Kraft Celebration Tour Westminster Savings Century House Association G&F Financial Rotary Club of New Westminster Royal City Rotary BMO Bank of Montreal Royal City Centre Uptown Property Group Wesgroup Properties LP
Dawn Black Canadian Tire David Cordery Griff Building Supplies Herman Dhillon Memorial Elks Club of New Westminster Provincial Fraternal Order of Eagles Peter Julian Gateway Casinos & Entertainment Inc. Kiwanis Club of New Westminster D.J. McDonald Holdings Ltd
In memory of Gary Lanyon 1949-2008 V.F.D. Ed Lewandowski McDonald’s Restaurants Jamie McEvoy Shaw Communications Inc. Task Construction Management
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
October 2010
3
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4
October 2010
MASSAGE THERAPY & INFRARED SAUNA TREATMENTS
All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans To book an appointment call
MOUNTAIN HIGH BOOKKEEPING Professional Bookkeeping Services New Westminster, BC Call Brenda at 778-397-7009 www.mountain-high.ca
604-525-9027
pifflemagazine@shaw.ca Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank piffleproduction@gmail.com
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Advertising Executives Bailey Murphy: 604-512-9116 Marquie Murphy: 778-887-5239 Liza Kolbuck: 778-898-2146 George Labash: 604-525-4105 Ferdinand Pascual: 778-862-7261
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
October 2010
5
A TEST FOR PEOPLE FROM SAPPERTON AND OTHER SMART FOLKS See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common? 1. Banana
5. Revive
2. Dresser
6. Uneven
3. Grammar
7. Assess
Q. WHAT WAS THE METRO HALL ON CARNARVON STREET KNOWN AS IN THE LATE 1960S?
4. Potato Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards,
men tried to pull him out but he fought them
it will be the same word.
off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends
LETTER FROM MOM
went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
Submitted by Trevor Batstone
was driving. He rolled down the window and
Dearest Redneck Son,
swam to safety. Your other two friends were
I’m writing this slow because I know you
in the back. They drowned because they
can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did
couldn’t get the tailgate down! There isn’t
when you left home. Your dad read in the
much more news at this time. Nothing much
newspaper that most accidents happen within
out of the normal has happened.
20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t
Your favourite Aunt, MOM.
be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took
Playing Doctor
the house numbers when they moved so they
Two married men are in a pub discussing
wouldn’t have to change their address. This
their love life when one says, “Have you ever
machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load
tried playing doctor?”
of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t
His mate says, “No what’s it like?”
seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here
The man replies, “It’s amazing me and my
It only rained twice last week; the first time
wife were playing for the whole of last night
for three days and the second time for four
must of been about 10 hours.”
days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the
His mate, shocked says, “10 hours!? How the heck did you manage that long?” “I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours.”
pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father
Q. What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?
out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but
A. A blackboard!
I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t
Q. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the
know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some
dance? A. He had no body to go with!
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6
October 2010
To maintain a healthy level of insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars… see if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache. 11. When the money comes out the atm, scream ‘i won! i won!’ 12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling ‘run for your
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,switch to espresso. 5. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for marijuana.’
lives! They’re loose!’ 13. Tell your children over dinner, ‘due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.’ And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity 14. Pick up a box of condoms at the
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify that your drive-through order is
THE GOOD GOLFER Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee,
‘to go’. 9. Sing along at the opera.
took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?” Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin. Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A. A boo-tie. Q. What’s a ghosts favorite desert? A. Boo-berry pie. Q. What is a Skeleton’s favorite song.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 15.
A. Bad to the Bone Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It’s a pain in the neck.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
October 2010
7
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
8
October 2010 Norma Findlay A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. “What’s the name and room number of the patient?” The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302...” The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.” The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.” The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?” The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s*it.”
An Interview With An 80-yearold Woman The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady. Because she had just gotten married… for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
October 2010
9
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite. Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!
RCL #2 Welcomes You to Enjoy… HALLOWEEN DANCE PARTY
Saturday, October 30 Staring Live Entertainment by
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FREE MEAT BINGO Thursdays 6pm–8pm Sundays 3pm–5pm
KARAOKE WITH CAL Every Thursday @ 8pm
Oct 01/02 Rockroom Karaokee Oct 08/09 Live Music by Cheek to Cheek Oct 15/16 Live Entertainment with Bob Marlow Oct 22/23 Rockrooom Karaokee NEW HOURS
5 nights a week: Noon–12am Sunday & Monday: Noon–9pm
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10
October 2010 THE DOOR OPENER Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Home Heating Tips
New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services would like to remind the public to use caution when using their home heaters and fireplaces as temperatures begin to go down and have them checked and inspected for the dangerous release of carbon monoxide gas. Signs of carbon monoxide poisoning, which include headaches, dizziness, fatigue, and nausea, may resemble flu like symptoms but without the fever. People may not be aware, until it’s too late, that the dangerous gas is overcoming them, as it is odorless, tasteless, and colourless. Fire officials recommend having a qualified professional inspect your heaters, furnaces, and fireplaces to ensure that they are in good working condition and all safety controls are working correctly. Finally make sure you have a working carbon monoxide detector in your home.
Basic Fire Safety
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer,
Basic fire safety is underestimated by most homes and businesses. Many people assume that a simple smoke detector will suffice and then forget about fire hazards. Some people don’t even change the batteries in their detectors, rendering them useless. Change your batteries every spring and fall. Functioning smoke detectors are an important part of your safety plan, but families need to do much more. The most important thing to do is teach children a plan in case of a fire. This includes teaching techniques such as “stop, drop, and roll,” staying under smoke, and feeling doors for heat before opening them. It is also imperative to have an evacuation plan and a meeting place where family members can go once they escape from a fire. Other important tips include having a fire extinguisher in the house and making sure that it hasn’t expired. Another aspect you should pay attention to is called separation and containment. Separation means keeping flammable materials away from fire hazards. For instance, it’s a bad idea to store paint or turpentine in the same room as a furnace. Containment involves having ways to keep the fire from spreading. Keeping fire hazards in separate rooms with fireproof doors can mean potential fires won’t spread to other areas of the house. At the very least, containment will give family members more time to escape before becoming trapped.
“and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. Q. Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie. Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch. Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie. Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
October 2010
11
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
12
October 2010
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
October 2010
13
ZEST OF NEW WEST
Culinary Event Friday October 15, 2010 to Sunday October 24, 2010 Experience New Westminster’s finest culinary experiences during Zest of New West 2010 various locations. Come experience New Westminster’s finest culinary experiences during Zest of New West 2010 presented by Donald’s Market. With 12 exciting locations offering unique specials. Amazing prizes like 1 of 4 wine tastings for 10 people courtesy of Pacific Breeze Winery and knowing that your are supporting New West’s youth through a contribution to the Moody Park Youth Centre’s culinary program, this is an experience you can’t afford to miss. Hyack Festival Association 604-522-6894 www.zestofnewwest.com
HAUNTED HALL
Sunday October 31 2010, 2pm–10pm Bouncy Castle • Tricks & Treats for Kids • Hot Chocolate Fear Flicks on the Big Screen (Late Evening) • “Haunted Hall” Tours… if you dare! Entry by donation in support of local New Westminster charities. 759 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster More details at www.themetrohall.com Proudly sponsored by: Bad Boy Entertainment Piffle Magazine The Metro Hall
NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE & RESCUE SERVICE OPEN HOUSE & SAFETY FAIR October 2 10am–2pm Glenbrook Fire Hall, 1 East 6th Ave Fire Truck bay doors will be open for the public to attend and tour The New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services’ public education initiatives
strive to teach every person who lives, works and plays in our community the importance of fire and life safety. Year round, New Westminster Fire Prevention Officers bring life saving messages to community events, school classrooms, places of work and local special events.
CHILDREN’S WISH FOUNDATION WALK FOR WISHES
Downtown New Westminster October 16th Join in for the Children’s Wish foundation Walk for Wishes in Downtown New Westminster and help raise money towards making wishes come true for children with life-threatening illnesses. Registration at Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia Street at 11am, walk to start at 12pm. www.childrenswish.ca
MOVING FORWARD FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN
Wednesday, October 6 starting at 6pm This year’s beneficiaries are Monarch Place, a New Westminster safe home for women and their children escaping domestic abuse, and Cassie and Friends, a fund of the Canadian Arthritis Society that funds research into finding a cure for juvenile arthritis. Guests will enjoy a delicious meal, tempting silent auction, an inspiring fashion show and will bop to the beat of the Phase III Steel Band. Call 604-525-4945 for tickets and information.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
14
October 2010
Wishing you a Special Thanksgiving Celebration shared with Family & Friends
Work In Winter One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late. “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.” The boss eyed him suspiciously. “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?” “I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
THE VISIT Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I’ve got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come
International Village Mall in Tinseltown
Two hours free parking
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
October 2010
15
around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will
the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let
experience turbulence just as soon as you
you in.”
touch pen to paper.
“Good. But tell me… what is all this
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can
business of kicking the front door open, then
determine who has the seats on the aisle
pressing elevator buttons with my right, then
and the window while you are still in the
my left elbow?”
boarding area. Just look for the two largest
“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”
passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats
Retirement Center Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” John says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants.”
MURPHY’S LAW OF FLIGHT No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
ever have to get up to go to the washroom. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
murphy MAZE
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM PAGE 6
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
16
October 2010
Be Proud of Your History by the Hainswor ths
T
he largest obvious group we can all lay claim to being members of is the human race, but on a smaller scale on a regular basis we are also members of what is to most of us in our daily lives, the second largest collective. Nevertheless it is still a significant group with a high membership, and that is of course the City of New Westminster. We get a lot of people who don’t live here say to us that there is always something going on in the city where we live. And as far as it gets us as respective members, there are very significant moments that define all of us together as a special group and at least make it interesting as individuals to belong to. With all of our many wonderful celebrations making us outstanding, one way to define us all as a long standing community is to rejoice in our collectively created history. As historians we frequently
NWPL# 831 City Circa 1904 get asked about what moments in city history, besides the Great Fire, do we think are the most defining. There are many worth mentioning, but at this time we are going to answer with two — one a great loss, the other a great gain. The loss of our city’s capital status is still one of the most monumentally defining moments in the city’s 150 years of history. To some, capital status confers much more than a title. Properly selected, it represents expressions of public will, and celebrates historic qualities that delineate our economic identity, our way of life as a new people in this land, and pride in our place in history. When New Westminster lost in the rivalry against Victoria on May 25th, 1868, its identity and status were changed forever, and in some respects still suffers an inferiority complex
directly from the loss. Who wouldn’t? Rival city newspapers traded slurs: Victoria as “the fatal mistake”, “located on a frog pond”; New Westminster as “a pimple on the face of creation” aside “a stream of liquid mud.” To lose status in a battle of wits, political performance, and some would even say, trickery, lost our city the home of the Legislature and its political and economic leadership role in the changed and developing land. With this we took a backseat in vital concerns, as well as support from England and the rest of BC, which was important in the establishing and developing future of the province. An aggrieved New Westminster wasn’t compensated directly for the loss to Victoria. However, when BC joined Confederation in 1871, the city was granted the Provincial Asylum and BC Penitentiary, ironically on the lands of the former Government House and Legislature. The city still scarred by this today, has seen the same lands now purchased by a housing developer that chose to name it of all things, “Victoria Hill”. Established as the first city in Western Canada, this sort of loss is significant to New Westminster, making this one of its most defining moments. Significant gains also makes any city’s list of defining historical moments and the opening of the Fraser River Bridge on July 23rd, 1904 can stack up with New Westminster’s many. Referred to as “The Day of The Bridge”, it became a major news event of the time, was celebrated as a triumph for the Commonwealth, and deemed a monument for patriotic pride. The Daily Columbian newspaper that day honoured the bridge as a catalyst for “a new commercial and industrial era” by transforming New Westminster into a vital terminus for transcontinental traffic. Dubbed the “MillionDollar Bridge”, “The Lucky Lady”, and “The Ice Cream Cone Bridge,” it was at the time a marvel of civil engineering while its freight and passenger traffic was not the only use for the bridge. It opened a much needed and improved route of travel for local traffic, in, out, and through the city, but also the swing capabilities of the bridge did not impede water travel of any kind along the river. New Westminster adjusted
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
October 2010 well to life with the bridge, revealing in a new status as a nexus for travel and trade. Still trying to re-establish itself from the loss of prestige and wealth when it lost the capital to Victoria, the city hoped that both the government and industry would fuel an economic growth in BC within which New Westminster would gain a higher standing. On its own, The Lucky Lady brought distinction and power making its opening a significant and defining moment in the history of New Westminster. Membership in the human race on the shores of New Westminster started long before with the Salishan First Nations people, who have a much wider and more ancient
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17 past than just being in an area know as the oldest (nonnative) incorporate city west of the Great Lakes, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not bad at all. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca If you have any comments about this article or any other article, and you want to post us a note, mail to: Hainsworths, c/o The Piffle, Fourth Floor, 604 Columbia Street, New Westminster, BC, Canada, V3M 1A5.
POETS & OPEN MIC Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Dan Propp
singer, author will be featured Friday October 15th Show starts at 7:00 p.m.
Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
18
October 2010 I CAN DIG IT There were two guys working with shovels. One would dig a hole… he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole… fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.” Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A. Scream or sugar!
A. You suck.
Q. Who was the most famous skeleton
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
detective? A. Sherlock Bones.
A. He didn’t have a haunting license.
Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the
A. The Vampire State Building.
party?
Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A. He had no body to dance with.
A. Boo-Berries.
Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in
Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
the fog? A. He is mist. Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line. Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A. Every night he turns into a bat. Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. Q. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A. Because of the coffin.
A. Necktarine.
Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Q. Who was the most famous witch
A. Because he is always a goblin. Q. What are ghosts’ favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends
detective? A. Warlock Holmes. Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
October 2010
19
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October 2010
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NEW PROGRAMS start OCTOBER 25, 2010
POST BASIC ECE STARTING SOON!
Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? A. He heard it had great circulation. Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a. Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed. Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart. Q. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A. It raises their spirits.
A. THE GROOVEYARD
SUCCESS At age 4 success is… Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is… Having friends. At age 17 success is… Having a driver’s license. At age 35 success is… having money. At age 50 success is… having money. At age 70 success is… having a driver’s license. At age 75 success is… having friends. At age 80 success is… not piddling in your pants. Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
October 2010
C A C S E Q K O K S H B R C T
G O D N I O R L E C U O U V M
P S S L G R G I O T W O E Q C
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N T E T I W R S R T L O J R Z
R S B G U O C I A F X O M D I
B O J F T M C I P K W O Z I P
X H R S M K E A P E Z O C J K
X G M R S D U S L C C O L F H
H U Z L O N C J E I A O Z R X
C P C S Y H O E W K Y N N H Q
F H Q T A W U S B I Y O D C J
T J L G B O B B I N G T Q Y F
N N F C Y N B U N E O L R L R
M F R W Q A R K N S T A E R T
D C L F N V Y F H J E X B A Q
WORD SEARCH APPLE BOBBING BOOOOOOOO CANDY COSTUMES GHOSTS HORROR STORIES TREATS TRICKS
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
24
October 2010
PANINI SPECIALS!
Grilled Pulled Pork, Beef, BBQ Chicken, Veggie… add a Cold Beer or Glass of Wine!
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Nyansa Inc. Counselling Services
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...enjoy your coffee, tea or beverage with our delicious
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Times need not be tough for you. Let counselling work for you. Enjoy a trained professional who does not just listen, but actively guides and motivates you — in a personal and caring manner. Effective support is just a call away!
Call 604.517.1299 or visit www.passion-4-life.com
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
October 2010
25
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
INSTALLING A HUSBAND Submitted by Trevor Batstone
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default
Dear Tech Support
to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Beer 6.1.
Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any
in overall system performance, particularly
circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
in the flower and jewelry applications, which
(it runs a virus in the background that will
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
eventually seize control of all your system
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to
9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then
reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
installed undesirable programs such as NBA
are unsupported applications and will crash
5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Husband 1.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
consider buying additional software to improve
What can I do?
memory and performance. We recommend
Signed,
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Desperate.
Good Luck Babe! – Tech Support
DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. exe and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
26
October 2010
SUMMARY OF LIFE
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
3) Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground... 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a
lousy beautician 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
tree.
BLIND FAITH Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Well, this is nice,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
October 2010
27
LIZA’S “Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours.” — Ludwig Van Beethoven With the start of my Mary Kay business, I opened the usual online accounts to create interest and advertising. Youtube for videos, Twitter for on-the-fly information messages and Facebook for longer interaction. At fi rst my online presence wasn’t doing much of anything for work but over time I starting finding people I use to go to school with and friends I hadn’t spoken to in quite sometime. It was, and still is, fun and interesting to see where they are in life at this moment. I’d like to think I’ve gotten wiser over the years but for the most part I’m the same person I have always been. It doesn’t matter how much distance has built up, if you were my friend you still are. I hold my friends in high regard because without them I would not be who I am today. Friends have a unique way of sharing moments in time. They allow us to be us through our pain, losses, joy and love. We are fearless with them by our sides and dream the most outrageous dreams and know they will be with us as we would for them. Such friendships withstand time, separation, and sometimes silence because they are no longer among us. Life, like us is constantly changing, but our friends know us at our core forever. They have seen us at our very best and held us up at our very worst. A friendship connection is undeniable, whether it was just over one summer holiday or you live right next door until you’re little old people, it can not be undone. It was ironic that the feature limited edition for Mary Kay is a new fragrance called thinking of you™ Eau de Parfum ($40.00) because this month’s article was written before I saw the new items. It has a cute keepsake charm and a place to write a note to the receiver. It can also be purchased as a gift set thinking of you™ Fragrance Bundle ($55.00). Other gorgeous limited edition things is the Metro Chic Collection that includes: Vinyl Lip Shine ($19.00), Nail Lacquer ($10.00), Eye Glimmer ($15.00) and Be Radiant Baked Powder ($20.00). Buy $60.00 or more and you’ll get a beautiful Metro Chic Collection Clutch and Clip-On Gloss* FREE. Allow me to be your Independent Beauty Consultant and help you find a gift for your friends.
HOROSCOPES OCTOBER 2010
ARIES: During this month there may be disagreements with other people’s money. Try to keep it light Aries and avoid arguement’s. TAURUS: Wow Taurus, there’s much going on in your house of partnerships. The kind of energy you put towards this will determine the outcome. GEMINI: You are certainly showing co-workers what you are really made of this month. Keep things light with co-workers. CANCER: There are love attractions all around you this month Cancer. Determine which one deserves your attention and go for it. LEO: You home life heats up this month dear lion with plenty of activities. Just don’t forget about your career obligations. VIRGO: Communication galore in all areas of your life this month. A great time to clear up any misunderstandings that may have taken place. LIBRA: Making money is the name of the game during this period. Keep your credit card in check and only spend where required. SCORPIO: Try to keep thoughts and surroundings on a light note during this time. What you direct onto others will come back with a lightening bolt. SAGITTARIUS: You may be inclined to seek your solace this month dear freedom loving soul. Take this time to recharge your batteries. CAPRICORN: Your busy with friends and all kinds of associations this month. This is a joyous time with friends and people of like minds. AQUARIUS: Authority figures notice your hard work and you can expect honours on the work front. You’ve got the energy to accomplish much this month. PISCES: Dreams of far travel fill your mind at this time. If your thinking about upgrading your skills, now is a good time.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
28
October 2010
Holland Shopping Centre
141 E. Columbia Street. New Westminster, BC, V3L 3V9 (On the corner of E. Columbia St. and Brunette Ave.)
Consider making packed lunches as a healthy alternative! Try our Smoked Turkey! Only $2.49/100gr Black Forest Ham is only $0.99/100gr* *minimum 500gr.
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25% off your next deli purchase! 141 E. Columbia St. (Corner of E. Columbia and Brunette) New Westminster, BC, V3L 3V9 *Coupon must be present. Valid for October 2010. Discount only on regular priced meat and cheese only. Not valid with any other offers.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
October 2010
29
Joan Rivers I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.” “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink,
How’s your day going
I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
poison dissolve. Then you, you jack-ass, show
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker
up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, How’s your day going?”
steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.” “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
October 2010
31
Debt too high? No cash at the end of the month?
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haunted hall October 31 2010 • 2-10 pm Bouncy Castle l Tricks & Treats for Kids l Hot Chocolate Fear Flicks on the Big Screen (Late Evening) l “Haunted Hall” Tours... if You Dare Entry by donation in support of local New Westminster charities. 759 Carnarvon Street, Downtown New Westminster More details @ www.themetrohall.com Proudly sponsored by: Bad Boy Entertainment l Piffle Magazine l The Metro Hall
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
32
October 2010
Sargent’s City Scene A Fool For Old School… Wrestling, That Is
Remember All Star Wrestling from the BCTV studios? How about Stampede Wrestling from Calgary? Do you watch WWE and/or TNA nowadays? Well, if you’re a pro wrestling fan of any age, you’ll be doing yourself (or your favorite wrestling fan) a big favour when you pick up the book, A Fool for Old School… Wrestling, That is. Vancouver writer and editor, Richard Berger, has released a delightful trip down Memory Lane that most everyone who has ever cheered the good guys and booed the baddies will find highly enjoyable. In 1985, Mr. Berger began working in southern B.C. for Stampede Wrestling. Among other duties, he wrote and recorded commercial spots for upcoming shows, signed contracts for buildings on behalf of Calgary promoter Stu Hart, and handled the ring announcing in Vancouver and other venues throughout the lower mainland. With a long publishing career that dates back to the ’70s, first as a professional writer and then an editor, Richard was asked to begin composing a weekly wrestling column for the television service, The Fight Network. After one year’s worth of output, and because so many people were requesting a bound collection of his best articles, Berger selected 20 and began working on the book. The chosen columns were updated, and the result is full of inside stories, explanations of why things are done the way they are, and laughout-loud humour.
A Fool for Old School… Wrestling, That is contains 271 pages from start to finish, including some terrific photographs along the way. You’ll learn how the business was conducted in the old school days, when pro wrestling was presented as a competitive sport. There are several articles that contrast the differences between that approach and the modern sports entertainment version. Others give us some wonderful insight into Richard’s developing interest as a child. For instance, meeting one of his wrestling idols, Freddie Blassie, on a beach when he was 12-yearsold, turned into a seminal moment in his life. Some of the columns are funny, some are serious and others have both elements. Regardless, all of them are gratifying. I heartily recommend A Fool for Old School Wrestling, That is. The book can be purchased online at Highspots.com, and at Lulu.com. Richard and copies of his book will also be making appearances at selected All Star Wrestling shows in New Westminster. The next show will be on Friday, October 8 at the Carpenter’s Hall, 726 12th Street. Fred Wymyer, Book Reviewer.
City Staff Go Green with Electric Bikes
The purchase of three new electric bicycles has City of New Westminster staff switching from fossil-fuel burning cars to electric-powered bicycles for their business travel needs. “For most destinations in New Westminster, the electric bikes are as fast as, if
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
October 2010
33
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t not faster than cars,” says Jenyfer Neumann, Transportation Demand Management Coordinator. “By sticking to the bike routes, our staff are able to avoid heavy traffic and the full electric assist also keeps staff cool — except for steeper hills, pedaling is not necessary.”
39th Annual Royal City Builders Awards
All awards will be presented at the Royal City Builders Awards Gala Dinner, to be held on Wednesday, October 6, 2010 at 5:45 p.m. at the Inn at the Quay. Tickets are available from the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce. For more information on the awards, please contact the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce at 604-521-7781 or the City of New Westminster Development Services Department, Planning at 604-515-3767.
THANKSGIVING! TURKEY DRAWS… • Sun, Oct 3 • Fri, Oct 8 • Sat, Oct 9 REVERSE DRAW… OCT 16 • Karaoke w/ Cal Donnelly 4pm – 10pm • Meat Draws • 60/40 Draw THE ELKS IS NOW WI-FI FRIENDLY!
Café now open for lunch Thursday to Tuesday
ALL DAY BREAKFAST • FREE PARKING
Sunday Services
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church, 486 E. Columbia St. New Westminster. Sunday Services 10:30 am include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Tuesday Evening Programs feature many alternate healing modalities or mediumship demonstrations. Healing 7-7:25 pm (free). Evening program 7:30 pm $6 members/$8 non. October 5 Novice Night; October 12 Medium Gloria Brough; October 19 Brock Tully, the Kindness Man; October 26 Mediums Glenda McLeod and Janis Soparlo. Join us for these exciting events which may just change your life. Healing Clinics by donation first Saturday every month starting October 2 at 11 am. Visit www.ubsc.ca or call 604-588-9624. SARGENT’S CITY SCENE end
Simon & Jenny Young of Young’s Café are back to serve you in Sapperton.
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
105-450 East Columbia Street Sapperton, New Westminser
604-527-8990 OPEN 7:30am – 9pm, Mon to Fri 8am – 8pm, Sat & Sun
Japanese, Chinese & Canadian Food
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
34
October 2010
The Story of The Epics by David MacPhail
It was early in 1963. Like a lot
of my friends who graduated from North Van High in 1962 I found myself enrolled at UBC in what was euphemistically called the “Arts and Sciences.” What it really meant to a lot of students was “I have no idea what I want to do. Most of my friends are going to UBC. So I might was well join them”. That was the reason I was there. But the truth is that I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a musician. Music was in my family. I grew up immersed in music. My mother had her own
radio show during WW II where she sang and played piano. My father played sax and clarinet almost from the time he could walk. When I was born he was playing in big Glen Miller style swing bands. Sometimes the bands would rehearse in our living room. When they did I would sneak out of bed and hide behind the drummer. I wanted to be a drummer from the time I was about 4 years old. But what I really loved was the rhythm. Thus it was that in the spring of 1963 that I found myself in a different kind of learning
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Site of the original “Grooveyard” in downtown New Westminster 759 Carnarvon Street l New Westminster l 604.527.1122 themetrohall.com
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
October 2010
35
institution, one located in Vancouver•s China When I met Harmata he was playing Town. It was called the “Smilin’ Buddha.” It was Howard Roberts influenced jazz licks. The first here that played drums as part of a trio for the thing I did was introduce him to Freddie King nightly floor shows. “James meet the King”. Then I had started I began to teach Harmata “Music was in my family. I grew up playing drums back in how to play rhythm immersed in music. My mother had 1960 with the North patterns. If we could find her own radio show during WW II Vancouver School’s band a bass player who could where she sang and played piano. My occasionally jamming (and would) play like Duck father played sax and clarinet almost with a Ventures style rock Dunn we could start a from the time he could walk.” and roll band. About 1962 rhythm & blues band. The I began to notice a kind problem was that Dunn of music emerging that was different from played what I called an interrupted bass line any music I had heard before. The epicenter where he worked between the 1st and 3rd beats of this new music was Stax records out of of a bar. In those days most bass players played a Memphis and the sessions players who made walking bass where they played all 4 beats. The up Booker T and the MGs. It was also about solution was obvious — find someone who had this time that I noticed that I heard rhythm never played bass and teach him (or her) how patterns in the same way that most people to play like Dunn. Harmata knew just the right hear melodic patterns. And the rhythm person. Enter Bob (Ace Bass) Kidd. patterns I was hearing emanating from Stax in Memphis were different from any I had heard before. In place of the nervous rock beats of the day was a pulsating, undulating beat that begged to be danced to. In time this Friday, October 29 at 8pm new music became known as rhythm & blues. And of all the rhythm & blues bands of that R&B Show era it was clear tome that the Booker T group Featuring comprised of Booker T Jones, Steve Cropper, The Epics, Donald (Duck) Dunn and Al Jackson had the Bill Gibson right chemistry. Project and By the time I met James (Jimmy) Harmata starring in the Smilin’ Buddha in the spring of 1963 I “Mr. Motown” was pretty sure I had the formula for the Booker Bobby Brooks, son of R&B T group’s chemistry figured out. I knew that Legend while the rhythm section of is considered the Bobby Brooks Jackie Wilson. engine that drives a band, few bands had the type of closely-knit, tightly-integrated rhythm service $33 25 plus charges section that the Booker T group had. And I Tickets on sale at all knew that the key ingredient in the formula was Ticketmaster locations, the collaboration of the bass (Duck Dunn) and charge by phone drums (Al Jackson). 604-280-4444 or online.
The Grooveyard Revisited
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
36
October 2010
Hollywood Bowl 1964 The Epics. Drums: David MacPhail, Bass: Bob Kidd, Sax: Gunther Klaus, Lead Singer: Barry Collins, Guitar: Jimmy Harmata, Organ: Bill Gibson.
The Story of The Epics When Kidd joined Harmata and I, he was only 14. For months I had him come to my place (I was living with my grandmother) every day after school. For hours on end I worked with Bobby teaching him how to play like Dunn and especially how to work with my kick drum (bass drum). I taught Kidd that in rhythm & blues the kick drum is the foundation that rhythm section stands on. When Bobby and I started to jell I added Harmata to the mix. As we evolved as a unit we began to tap into the magical energy called “the groove.”When this happens those such as Cropper would say you were “in the pocket.” Now all we needed was a vocalist.
The first gig we did that I can recall was at the Cambie Hall in Richmond. We were a trio featuring a jazz vocalist who I met at the Buddha. It was OK. But it was obvious that we had a lot more work to do. We needed a bigger band. So in the following weeks we found and then added Bill Gibson on Hammond organ and Gunther Klaus on tenor sax. I can’t remember exactly how we connected but at some point I met Barry Collins. Barry’s mother was the famous Canadian female vocalist Eleanor Collins. Often referred to in those days as Canada’s Ella Fitzgerald, Eleanor Collins had her own weekly television show on CBC Vancouver. Barry has a great voice. So when he agreed to sing with the band, who I
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
October 2010
37
had now called The Epics, I knew we were on our way. While we rehearsing with Barry a sensational new male vocal duet called the Righteous Brothers burst onto the pop charts with a song called “Little Latin Lupe Lu.” They sounded like two colored guys. So most people, including myself, assumed they were. It must have been a let down when people found out they weren’t colored because the Righteous Brothers started to market themselves as “blue eyed soul.” When I met Gerald Henderson (aka Jayson Hoover) in the Smilin’ Buddha and asked him to sing with The Epics I had an idea. Why not do Righteous Brothers songs with Barry Collins and Jayson Hoover and call them the “Soul Brothers?” So we did. The Soul Brothers were a big hit right up to the time that Barry’s father decided that he didn’t want Barry to sing anymore. With Barry no longer with us, we became The Epics featuring Jayson Hoover. At some point a promoter billed us as Jayson Hoover & The Epics. The name stuck. That was how we were known until we broke up in 1968 only months after recording a song called King Size.
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The Epic will be playing at the Red Robinson Show Theatre on Friday, October 29 at 8pm. The show will also feature The Bill Gibson Project staring “Mr. Motown” Bobby Brooks, son of R & B Legend Jackie Wilson. Phone 604-280-4444 for information.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
38
October 2010
12 restaurants showcase New West’s cuisine culture at amazing prices
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Presented by:
October 2010
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$50* OFF
HOW TO LIVE LONE Submitted by Jim Nicholas
PARTY BUS
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench
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munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench
PARTY VAN
across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.” Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own friging business!”
How fast can you guess Answers. these words? 1. BOO_S
1. BOOKS
2. _ _ NDOM
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3. P_N_S
3. PANTS
4. F_ _ K
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6. S_X
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The Train Ride Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?” The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend that we’re married.” The man happily says, “OK. AWESOME!” The woman says, “GOOD... Get your own blanket.” Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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October 2010
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.