Piffle Magazine 2011-02 by Sargent's Piffle

February 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 125

Andrea Fergusson President of the newly formed New West Artists Society displays a portrait of herself. Their first Show is at the River Market beginning February 11. See CITY SCENE inside for details.

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

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February 2011

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February 2011

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February 2011 Relations This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?” After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!

SHE LIKES TO HELP A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, “I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn’t have your seat belt fastened.” The man said, “I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up

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to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man’s wife, “I know he didn’t have his seat-belt fastened. Isn’t that right, lady?” She replied, “Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he’s drunk.”

I DEDUCE THAT… Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Hierologically,

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent.”

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Ponder These If electricity comes from electrons, were does morality come from? Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the Hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt? Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.

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February 2011 Skinny Dipping An elderly man in North Carolina owned a large

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farm that happened to have a large pond. It was just the right size for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, a dock, and shade trees. One evening the old farmer decided to tale a walk down to the pond and grabbed a fivegallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he approached the pond, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Not wanting to startle the women he made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave! The old man smiled and said , ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.’ as he held up five-gallon pail. “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

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marrying again at 84, and then about her new “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought.

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Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca

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February 2011

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

Happy Healthy Heart Month Wishes to All

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now, in her 80s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. “Easy, son,” she smiled. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

LIKE SHE IS THIRTY Woman of advanced age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and

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tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman. Her husband responds, “And what did he say about your big bum?” She replied quickly, “Your name never came up, dear.”

Nudist Sign Nudist Resort sign: “Sorry, Clothed for Winter.”

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February 2011 Mind and Muscle The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

What’s in Your Ear There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, “What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?” The other, with a puzzled look, said, “I don’t know”, and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, “My word, a suppository!” Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, “Now I know what I did with my hearing aid.”

I MUST BE DEAD Sadie wakes up and says to her husband, “Jake, I’m dead.” Jake responds, “What’s the matter with you, Sadie, you aren’t dead. You’re talking to me.” “No, Jake, I’m definitely dead.” “Sadie, you are not dead. Why do you think you’re dead?” Sadie responds, “Because nothing hurts.”

THE FRISKY HUBBY Martha complained to her husband that he was just getting old and listless. She suggested that he go to the doctor for a checkup and see if the doctor could give him something to pep him up.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

When he got home from the doctors he was a different man. He chased his wife around the house and couldn’t get her to bed often enough. Martha was worn out. She thought, “This is too good to be true. I’m going to the doctor and see if he can do something for me.” The Husband drove his wife to the doctor’s office and waited while she went in to see the doctor. Martha said to the doctor, “What did you tell my husband. He is like a new man.” The doctor said, “Well, I don’t know. I gave him a checkup but I don’t remember saying anything that would change him like that.” She said, “Well, he’s right out here in the waiting room. You ask him. George came into the office. The doctor said, “What did I say to you that gave you so much energy?” George said, “You said be cheerful. You have a hot mama!” The doctor said. “Oh, no! I said, be careful. You have a heart murmur!”

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February 2011 Redneck Church You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to

RESIDENTIAL UNDERGROUND OIL STORAGE TANKS Many homes built between the 1920s and 1960s used oil as a heating fuel, with oil tanks buried close to houses. Few homes use oil now, and homeowners may not realize that they have an old tank on their property. Tanks have an average life of 20 to 25 years, after which they can begin to leak hazardous materials. It is recommended that tanks be removed. Decommissioning is only for those tanks situated in an area which would endanger the structural integrity of nearby buildings or other facilities. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services offers the following advice for homeowners regarding the removal or decommissioning of underground oil storage tanks: • Ways to Find your Tank. (1) Look for visual signs of a tank’s presence such as cast iron piping coming from the ground. (2) Hire an Oil Tank Contractor to search for the presence of an oil tank using a metal detector. (3) Contact New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services for information from their property database. Note that the database information may or may not be complete and does not include site plans. • Hire a Registered Professional Engineer and an Oil Tank Contractor. We cannot recommend a specific contractor or Registered Professional Engineer to perform the work. Please look to your yellow pages for this information. We would recommend you obtain at least three separate quotes and ask for references. Ensure the company you select has a business license to operate in the City of New Westminster, has WorkSafe BC coverage and has obtained the necessary Permit from the Fire Department. • Possible Contamination. If, when the tank is unearthed, there is soil contamination found, the Registered Professional Engineer will coordinate with the tank contractor and the Ministry of Environment for a clean up plan. • Final Report. Your Registered Professional Engineer and contractor will submit a final report, with pictures, to New Westminster Fire and Rescue for storage in the property’s database.

For further information, please call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

play one. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em. You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if… when the Pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.” Five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now!! Ya Hear”.

Ravages of Time Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

Said one “My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can’t bend my knee and I can’t hear anything. But thank God I can still drive.”

POT IN THE WOOD PILE “Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?” “Yes. What can I do for you?” “Ah’m calling to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Smith… He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s a-hidin’ it there.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house. “Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd… did the sheriff come?” “Yeah sure did!” “Did they chop all-a ya firewood?” “Yep!” “Happy birthday, buddy!”

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

YOU COULD BE A REDNECK IF… 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your husband. 2. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 3. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.” 4. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 5. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night. 6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey watch this.” 7. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.

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February 2011

RRSPs or TFSA or Both? Should you contribute to an RRSP a TFSA or both? The introduction of the Tax-Free Savings Account (TFSA) represents the most important change to the way Canadians save money since RRSPs were launched in the late ’50s. But the question that many people are asking now is whether they should contribute to a TFSA, their RRSP or possibly even both? First, it’s important to know their differences and similarities. The chart below outlines their main characteristics. Both RRSPs and TFSAs provide investors with the opportunity of tax-sheltered compound growth for investments held inside each plan. But unlike an RRSP, contributions to a TFSA are not tax deductible. It’s great advantage is that amounts can be withdrawn tax free at any time and withdrawn amounts are added back into your TFSA contribution room the following year. Returning to the main question: which is best? On a very basic level, looking at your pre-retirement and expected post- retirement marginal tax rates can provide you with an idea how to best allocate your investments. If you expect to be in a lower tax bracket during retirement, contributing to an RRSP is generally more beneficial. However, if in retirement, you anticipate being in a tax bracket that is equal or higher than your pre-retirement tax rate, the TFSA may be more tax-efficient. But the decision on whether you should use a TFSA or RRSP is not quite that simple. It’s important to work with a professional advisor to consider the entire spectrum of fi nancial strategies at your disposal that could ultimately impact your approach. There are many choices to consider. In many cases, the TFSA should be used as a complementary product, along with your RRSPs, as they both have their own advantages. Your personal savings strategy needs to take into account your unique circumstances as well as your short and longterm objectives. To discover which approach is best for you, consult a professional advisor. But above all else: don’t miss the opportunity to save for your future!

Comparing the TFSA to the RRSP Registered Retirement Savings Plan (RRSP) ■ Contributions are fully tax-deductible ■ Contributions can be placed in a wide variety of investments ■ Contributions can be made until the end of the year in which you turn 71 years of age ■ Withdrawals are taxed at your marginal tax rate ■ Withdrawals could affect eligibility for income-tested government benefits and credits ■ Unused contribution room is carried forward indefi nitely (1% penalty for over contribution) ■ Withdrawals cannot be returned to the RRSP without using contribution room*

BULL SERVICE In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered. “Is your father in?” asked the neighbor. “No.” said the daughter. “He’s at the Inverness Farmers Market. If it’s the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00.” “No it’s not that,” said the neighbor. “Well,” said the daughter. “If it’s the Galloway belted bull you want, it’s $40.” “No, it’s not that.” said the neighbor. “How about the small Highland bull?” said the daughter. “The service of that bull is only $30.” The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. “That’s not what I’ve come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it.” “Oh, well,” said the daughter. “You’ll have to see my father yourself. I don’t know what he charges for Sandy.”

IT’S A GOOD AGE Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!”

Tax-Free Savings Account (TFSA) ■ Contributions are not tax-deductible ■ Contributions can be placed in a wide variety of investments ■ Contributions can be made at any time with no age limit [for those 18 years of age and over] ■ Withdrawals are 100% tax-free ■ Withdrawals will not affect eligibility for federal income-tested government benefits and credits ■ Unused contribution room is carried forward indefi nitely (1% penalty for over contribution) ■ Withdrawals will be added to contribution room in the following year *except for repayments of withdrawals under the home buyers plan or the lifelong learning plan This article is written by Investors Group Financial Services and Bruce McAndlessDavis as a general source of information only. It is not intended as a solicitation to buy or sell specific investments, nor is it intended to provide tax, legal or investment advice. Readers should seek advice on their specific circumstances from a professional advisor. For more information contact: Bruce McAndless-Davis, your local Investors Group Consultant 604-219-9183 bruce.mcandless-davis@investorsgroup.com

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

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February 2011

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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

THE ARTS AT ONE - ALUMNI CONCERT

February 3, 1:00 pm Douglas College, Laura C. Muir Theatre The popular The Arts at One series is held most Thursdays during the semester, starting at 1pm. This series features professional musicians and outstanding Douglas College music students. All performances are held in the Laura C. Muir Performing Arts Theatre. Admission is free — please call 604-527-5723 for further information.

ROYAL CITY HUMANE SOCIETY AGM

February 5, 2:00 pm New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Avenue The Royal City Humane Society will hold their 2011 Annual General Meeting on Saturday, February 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm in the New Westminster Public Library Auditorium. All interested parties are welcome. Light refreshments will be served.

THE ARTS AT ONE — DUO GUITRANO, SONGS OF LOVE AND LONGING THROUGH THE AGES

ROYAL CITY FARMERS WINTER MARKET February 12, 10:00 am - 2:00 pm Holy Trinity Cathedral, 514 Carnarvon

BLACK HISTORY MONTH YOUTH SYMPOSIUM

February 12 12:30 pm Douglas College, Room 1614 This event hosts engaging guest speakers that will present experiences, art and some aspects of Black History. The line-up includes light appetizers and beverages, courtesy of the Jamaican Canadian Association of British Columbia, Consulate General of British Columbia and McDonald’s. A few of the following, fantastic Guest Speakers are: • Royal Canadian Mounted Police Constable George Amaoko • Lincoln Thorne, Filmmaker • Fortunate Sonya, Poet • Omari Newton, Musician & Actor of “Blue Mountain State” • Geoff Ayi-Bonte, Senior Counselling Therapist for Balance & Support • Kevan “Scruffmouth” Cameron, Dub Poet & Spoken Word Artist • Obediya Jones, Musician & Author Free admission.

February 10, 1:00 pm Douglas College - Laura C. Muir Theatre The popular The Arts at One series is held most Thursdays during the semester, starting at 1pm. This series features professional musicians and outstanding Douglas College music students. All performances are held in the Laura C. Muir Performing Arts Theatre. Admission is free — please call 604-527-5723 for further information.

NEW WESTMINSTER POLICE MUSEUM

604 525-5411, 555 Columbia Street Opened in 2001 as part of a new police facility, the New Westminster Police Museum showcases items the police service has used in its history of over 100 years including a 1958 Harley Davidson, a replica jail cell and various firearms. The museum is open to the public seven days a week during normal business hours. Free admission.

WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

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February 2011

VALENTINE ONE LINERS Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: I’m stuck on you. Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’ ? A: A divorce lawyer. Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch? A: You turn me on. Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, but they had an apple. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? Q: What did one snake say to the other

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snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date. Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on

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o n e s o u r c e p r o d u c t i o n .c o m

February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

murphy MAZE Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A: A stamp. Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef? A: You get buttered up. Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend. Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?” “Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson,” said the

A: Antelope.

doctor soothingly. “Now we know we’ve fixed

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing”!

An senior lady came into her Doctor’s problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Blake,

Do you know the four signs of growing old?

but they’re soundless, and they have no

odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve

2. Forgetting faces.

farted no less than twenty times. What

3. Forgetting to zip up.

can I do”?

4. Forgetting to zip down.

office and confessed to an embarrassing

Forgetting names.

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.” The next week an upset Mrs. Jacobson

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

marched into Dr. Blake’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can

problem is worse! I’m farting just as much,

make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he

and they are still soundless, but now they

fix a hole in a boat?

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February 2011

DOES A PIG NEED A WRIST WATCH? An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in

“Hey,” the guy calls to the bartender, “What’s with the nuts?” “Oh,” the bartender answers, “They’re complimentary.”

an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head

IT’S OK… I’M JUST FINE A Texas Insurance Agent tells of a courtroom

and moving him from apple to apple while the

exchange between a defense Attorney and a

pig ate happily.

farmer with a bodily injury claim.

He turned around, parked and walked up to

Attorney,” At the scene of the accident

the farmer saying “Hey there old timer have I

did you tell the ‘Constable you had never felt

got a good idea for you”.

better in your life?”

The farmer asked him what it was and the

Farmer “that’s right.” Attorney, “Well

Expert continued, “Just put the pig on the

then how is it you are now claiming you were

ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the

seriously injured when my client’s automobile

ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure

hit your wagon?”

will save a lot of time.”

Farmer “When the constable arrived he went

The old farmer thought about this while he

over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up

moved his pig to another apple and finally said

and shot him. Then he went over to my horse

“Hell, mister, what’s time to a pig?”

who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances,

LOOKING GOOD

it was a wise choice of words to say, “I’ve

A guy goes into a bar. He’s sitting on the

never felt better in my life

stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, “You look great!” He looks around - there’s nobody near him. He hears the voice again, “No really, you look terrific.” The guy looks around

More VALENTINE ONE LINERS Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.

again. Nobody. He hears, “Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely

Q: What did the valentine card say to the

glowing!” He then realizes that the voice is

stamp?

coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

Where is the Queens Park Meat Market located? Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11

February 2011

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February 2011

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THE PENGUIN MYSTERY Scientists have long been curious about why no penguin corpses are found on the ice pack.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

What happens to their bodies when they die? The mystery has now been solved. It turns out that the penguin is a very

DOG GONE A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his

ritualistic bird and lives an extremely

dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him

ordered and complex life. The penguin is very

back to an examination room and has him put

committed to its family, generally mates for

his dog down on the examination table.

life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life. When a penguin is found dead on the ice

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly

surface, members of the family and social

agitated and not willing to accept this,

circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial

demands a second opinion.

wings and beaks.

The vet goes into the back room and comes

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

ADAM & EVE

The man is still unwilling to accept that his

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of

dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black

their husbands. When Adam stayed out very

Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body,

late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re

walks from head to tail, and finally looks at

running around with other women,” she charged.

the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,

only to be awakened by someone poking him

thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

in the chest.

The vet answers, “$650”.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

The man responds, “$660? Why so much?” The vet answers, “Well, it was extra for the lab work and the cat scan”.

Therapy To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 4. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get. 5. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 6. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’. 7. Sing along at the opera. 8. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won!’ 9. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives! They’re loose!” 10. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity: each month read Piffle online at piffle.ca. Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra. Q: How do you get holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it. Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids. Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

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learning experience through our education and expertise in science and nutrition. We offer many raw food classes, such as: Raw for Beauty, Raw Vegan for Athletes, Nut Free Raw Food for Kids Certtifi ification Courses. and Certification

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Email: VRFS@shaw.ca www.vancouverrawfoodschool.com

Submit your joke at piffle.ca

February 2011 AUSTRALIAN BUSINESSMEN Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.” No sooner were the words out of his mouth

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when, sure enough, a curious Canadian tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Canadian accent asked ‘How’s it goin’ eh? What ya got fer sell?’ One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling nuts.” Without skipping a beat, the Canadian man said, “You doing very well, only two left!’

Electric Chair A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the warden.

2nd Street and 4th Avenue, New Westminster

“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?

SENIOR ONE LINERS It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. I feel like the morning after and I haven’t been anywhere. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. My mind makes contracts my body can’t keep. I look forward to a dull evening. The gleam in my eye is from the sun hitting my bifocals. I’ve discovered that I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

Po e t ’s SHROUDED IN THE MIST by Ariadne Sawyer, MA

by Don Benson

A Mayan ruin Shrouded in wispy mist Amongst the living vibrant jungle containing a feast of life, the creepers, the crawlers, the fliers, and the four footed. Orchids delicately dancing on vines, swaying like beautiful ballerinas in a ritual dance. Ancient pyramid Long untouched by human hands prisoner of the jungle, Surrounded by the green tentacles of vegetation.

ABOUT THE POET New Westminster resident, Ariadne Sawyer, MA is an educator, author of three books and a published poet worldwide. She is the co-founder and cohost of World Poetry www.worldpoetry.ca and organizer of World Poetry New Westminster, which is held at the New Westminster Public Library beginning at 6:30 pm the fourth Wednesday of each month.

At 14, I visited, placing my footprints in the earth. Which for a brief moment were recorded, then disappeared into the ever changing ground. In the air there were vibrations of surprise, excitement, disturbance, a touch of fear. I reached out my arms to embrace your essence of living stone surrounded by grey, chill white mist swirling and floating on the wind. I spoke: “I am here.” Turning, I left silently on graceful cat’s feet never to return except in the jungle of my mind.

Traditions

SIMON FRASER

SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.

Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.

About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.

The Perilous Journey

This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!

Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.

$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada

Traditions

Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.

Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.

Westminster Publishing

150 Years of New Westminster

Don Benson

ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3

61995

Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada

9 781895 493023

Don Benson

Fold Line

www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca

Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.

Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.

Don Benson

604-521-5583

There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.

Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.

Fold Line

Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus

150 Years of New Westminster Traditions

150 Years of New Westminster

Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.

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Ariadne is the recipient of the McLean Hunter Award for programs of excellence. She is working on a book of poems to be published in 2011.

February 2011

The Heritage of Parks & Cultural Landscapes:

Celebrating What Comes by the Hainsworths Naturally T

his year’s Heritage Week, February 21st to 27th, has as its theme “A Century of Conservation: Parks & Cultural Landscapes”. Heritage BC, who along with the Province, sponsor’s Heritage Week and sets the theme for activities in a manner that both are specific and more general. What is specifically being celebrated by the Province is “BC Parks 100” — the centennial of the creation of the very first provincial park in British Columbia, which is Strathcona Provincial Park. March 1, 2011 marks Strathcona Provincial Park’s actual 100th Birthday, and the BC Parks 100 initiative is gathering and coordinating events and celebrations province-wide on this date. The park was named for Donald Alexander Smith, the first Baron

Strathcona and Mount Royal. Born in Scotland in August, 1820, Donald Smith led a long and historically significant life in Canada beginning at the age of 16 as an employee of the Hudson Bay Company in 1838. His life’s work included being Canada’s chief negotiator with Louis Riel’s Red River rebels (creating the province of Manitoba), elected service at the provincial & federal level, railway pioneer, High Commissioner to London, and as a wealthy philanthropist. A leading figure in the creation of the Canadian Pacific Railway, Smith is perhaps best known as the man who drove in the last spike of the CPR on November 7, 1885, at Craigellachie, BC, linking Canada’s transcontinental

railway’s western & eastern sections. He was made a peer of the realm in 1897, and after a remarkable life and career, he died in January 1914. There are currently 830 provincial parks and protected areas, ranging greatly in size, scope, usage, and purpose. However, Heritage BC, while noting that this year’s theme was selected to honour this centennial, broadens the 2011 Heritage Week definition of the heritage of parks & cultural landscapes in the following manner: “Our parks are not just places of natural beauty and wilderness. Some have great cultural significance, or are noted for their historic landmarks and structures. Many city parks are a conscious blend of nature and planned landscape. Whatever its size, make up or purpose, every park is a testament to the culture of conservation which unites the values of heritage and environmental protection.” Such a definition allows for many ways that this form of heritage can be explored, enjoyed and valued by citizens of New Westminster without having to travel beyond the city boundaries to any of our designated provincial parks. Our city is blessed with a number of community and neighbourhood parks. Each has its own distinct natural, historic, and cultural values that make it unique and significant. By blending natural and heritage conservations, new levels of meaning and discovery are created. Since its beginning, our Royal City has consciously blended nature with planned landscapes. Colonel Moody’s design of New Westminster included significant public parks and green spaces befitting his idea of a future capital city, echoing the social value placed upon such places in the great cities of Europe of the time. As the city grew, these places became the first of our city’s parks. Blending both natural and manmade beauty, gardens and parks were a way to “get away” without going far. Their tranquility provided, as they still do, places for people to relax and reflect, and be at peace. Our image this month is a postally-sent photo postcard that we believe captures a balance reflecting this year’s heritage week theme. Produced by T.S. Hibben & Co. of Victoria, BC, the card shows four New Westminster images in vignette, and they are: Albert Terrace, Queens Park, the Brunette River, and the Exhibition Buildings. Posted in 1904, Hibben’s selection for the postcard of these landscapes reflect the Edwardian perspective of

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

natural beauty enhanced by the hand of man — a place of cultivation, and domestication of the wilder aspects of wilderness. It is interesting to see how the pictures are surrounded by garden plants and a gold fish bowl. Albert Crescent still has some of this view, but has lost the gazebo, and is now busy with the sound of traffic on the Pattullo Bridge. Queens Park still has a rose garden and large trees, but has lost the Exhibition Buildings to fire in 1929. The Brunette River is no longer the idyllic stream with fly fishermen, but is being rehabilitated through the efforts of the Sapperton Fish and Game Club and other interested parties, and is now the focus for the GVRD

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Brunette-Fraser Greenway. Many other new green spaces and greenways have been created since the 1900s, all adding to the natural wealth of our city and province’s heritage of parks & cultural landscapes. Henry David Thoreau said that “in wilderness is the preservation of the world”. Why not celebrate what comes naturally for heritage week this year by participating in the many scheduled activities or by creating some of your own? By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, CoAuthors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca

WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP Wednesdays 10am – 12pm for February 2nd until June 2011. Fees are only $5 per drop-in including coffee and muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.

FEATURED POETS Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)

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February 2011

S E D W L X Z D M D E O U B B

E W Z A C R D X O A V N A S W

N Y E M D P G A O R O U R A M

G F J E P Y H W B L L D Y R M

A X L C T M E G A I Z P C A Z

G Q M O J H N J T N L N R Q C

E G U J W I E S U G Q R Q W U

M X S P B E U A B S I W K Z V

E M I A L M R I R A Z A Q L Y

N P T O I A R S G T C N Y K Q

T U R O V A L E N T I N E S Y

B L I S D N O M A I D B X D I

R O M A N C E W B D J S N O I

I G Z D T H W V L Q Z A R G K

L C B F X R K C C M C L S Z O

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

WORD SEARCH BUTABING BUTABOOM CANDY DARLING DIAMONDS ENGAGEMENT FLOWERS LOVE MARRIAGE ROMANCE SWEETHEART VALENTINES

February 2011

COLD WATER CLEAN This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90-year-old

LIZA’S

grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean

HOROSCOPES February 2011

as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny.” For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it.” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!” Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

ARIES: Authority figures see you in a very good light this month. Your ideas will be appreciated because your exuding such positive energy. Love with an older person is possible. TAURUS: A good time to challenge your preconceived ideas about what is beautiful. You may find yourself going on a trip or taking a course that stimulates ideas and views of life. GEMINI: Relationships come to life this month. This month is either going to stimulate the sexual side of your relationships or cause arguments. It’s your choice. CANCER: You have one of the best planetary positions for love and understanding this month. Close partners as well as co-workers are more inclined to accept what you have to offer. LEO: Your in work mode this month and have much to accomplish. A good time to discuss agreements and repair any disagreements that may be in the work place. VIRGO: Fun and entertainment are high on the agenda this month. There is no need to pretend to be something your not. Self discipline may be a problem. LIBRA: Home is where the heart is this month. Redecorating may be on your mind. Relationships with parents go well at this time. SCORPIO: All dealings with people in your every day world will be more pleasant. You discover there is an abundance of love in your life. Enjoy. SAGITTARIUS: Financially it can be good or bad this month. Pay off bills before spending on the items you don’t really need just yet. However, financial negotiations go well. CAPRICORN: You have a great desire to relate to other people and do so beautifully. Others are attracted to you by the fantastic impression you make. You want to play and not work. AQUARIUS: If called upon to take care of a loved one, do so with grace. The rewards will be plentiful. You will know you have done all you can. PISCES: Group activities and fun with friends is the name of the game this month. All in the name of friendship. Others are very much attracted to you during this time.

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February 2011

Sargent’s City Scene

Look Out, Andrea has Landed!

by Gabor Gasztonyi

he’s really not a rocket — she’s just someone who gets things done in a hurry with a lot of passion and intensity. During the past year Andrea Fergusson has in single handed fashion put together, organized and cajoled a whole bunch of dedicated, but at times shy local artists into forming the New West Artists Society. Andrea refers to the group simply as New West Artists and their new website www.newwestartists.com is coming

online shortly, with samples of local artists work and biographies as well as other exciting information. Stay tuned. Raised in Australia Andrea inherited much of her interest in art from her mother, a talented and established artist there. “I’ve always dreamed about being a painter,” she says, “and I feel a tremendous need to find time to paint and to be around like-minded people.” Her recent work has centered on painting portraits and this is her passion at the moment. Having worked with Trudy Van Dop, owner of New Westminster’s premiere gallery, The Van Dop Gallery — Andrea painted a lovely portrait of Trudy which appears on their official website: www.vandopgallery.com.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

LEFT: New West Artists Society member Judith Copland, Wind Through Trees. The painting is on display at the Gabor Gasztonyi Studio Gallery, 730 12th Street, New Westminster. More of Judith work can be viewed at www.judevisualart.com.

Andrea in her many discussions and meetings with local artists while she was working in the gallery, came to the conclusion that they should unite together and seek ways of promoting their work in the community. “The theme is now universal,” she says, “Buy Local, be Holistic and be Organic.” Support people in the community. These ideas are all important to us today. All areas in the world, all cities all regions are unique to themselves and the same is true of our local community of New Westminster. People working in the arts here see things differently from those in Lethbridge or Saskatoon or Montreal — they bring a different perception, and they produce things that are uniquely ours. I asked Andrea, “What are some of the important goals of the new Society?” “You know a lot of our goals right now center on education. Educating the community about the artists around them and the value they give our lives. And even educating artists themselves about the important role they play in the community, as well as just simple things like putting together portfolios and resizing and sending images of their work through the web and other media. It’s surprising how many artists had difficulty sending images and bios through. But we’ve moved on from that and I’m getting all sorts of calls about people wanting to join the group every day. The response has been fantastic!” She indicated that this is just the beginning, “We will be looking in the future to develop

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t studio and gallery spaces where local artists can create as well as display their work.” Our own designer, Cliff Blank of Piffle fame, the creative genius behind the scenes and a sidekick of Chris Sargent, or “Sarge” as we call him — is also a member of the Society and has developed the new website and also created this striking new logo for the New West Artist’s Society. You can email Andrea, president@ newwestartists.com and also post on their Facebook page — just type in “New West Artists.” Andrea says, “If you log into our group make sure you click the ‘Like’ button!” The group is having its first Exhibition from Friday February 11–13 at the Westminster Quay River Market on the Second floor. Exhibition hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 6:00 pm. Access to the show space is through Donald’s Market. What makes this exhibit so interesting is that everything on display is under $100 bucks — not bad for original artwork. So bring cash if you can and invest a little in support of our local artists. See you there and congratulations to Andrea as well as all the other talented artists in our community!

Spiritual Workshops Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church, 486 E. Columbia Street, New Westminster. Sunday services 10:30 am include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Tuesday evening programs, featuring many alternate healing modalities or mediumship demonstrations, will begin again in March. Healing clinics by donation continue first Saturday of every month 11 am to noon.

Submit your community event at piffle.ca

February 2011

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Please call 604-588-9624 to reserve your time. Watch for angel workshops, mediumship development courses, and healers’ training classes at www.ubsc.ca. Mini-readings Saturday, February 19, 11 a.m. Last reading at 3 p.m. $15 for 15 minutes. For pre-bookings, please call Ben at 604-459-8311.

Decadent Raw Chocolate for Your Valentine by Vancouver Raw Food School Chocolate demos at Donalds’ Market, River Market on Sunday February 13 and on February 14, Valentine’s Day at Donald’s Market from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. Raw chocolate is naturally free of gluten, sugar, dairy, soy and lactose and has 200 times the antioxidants of the best cooked chocolate. Feast on magnesium for the brain, and taste for the soul! Purchase Dark, Orange or Mint or assorted! Bagged and ribboned! $15.00 Dozen or $8.00 for half. For large corporate orders for customers or to treat your staff please call Cheryl 604942-4407 or Cara 778-990-1719. Delivery can be arranged. Give the best tasting chocolate around.

Prestigious Spilsbury Gold Medal Awarded to Canadian Painter New Westminster resident Angie Hemphill wins for “Christchurch Oxford” West Coast Canadian artists received medals at the prestige Spilsbury Medal Show at the Federation of Canadian Artist on Granville Island in December. Painter Angie Au Hemphill took home gold for her vibrant acrylic painting, Christchurch Oxford. The Spilsbury Medal Show is an annual juried exhibition open exclusively to Signature Members of the Federation. Painting has always been Angela’s passion. Her latest work capture the vibrancy of a scene by distilling it into precisely placed blocks of solid and transparent colour. Her work is strongly influenced by the impressionist styles. Au Hemphill was born in Hong Kong and immigrated to Canada in 1973. Her first formal training was at the age of twelve with watercolour Master Lo Ku Chune. She studied at the Alberta College of Art and worked as a Commercial Artist and painter in Vancouver for over 25 years. She works with oils, acrylics and watercolours, and has won awards in all three media. Au Hemphill works from her home studio in New Westminster and has grown to love the heritage homes in her neighborhood. She is a supporter of the New Westminster Heritage Preservation Society and has painted many heritage homes for the City of New

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

Detail of Christchurch Oxford by painter Angie Au Hemphill.

Westminster and receives many commissions to paint cherished homes for their owners. Angie serves on the Board of Directors of the Federation of Canadian Artists, and is twice recipient of the Federation’s Award of Excellence. Her works are held by collectors in Asia, the USA, Europe and across Canada, and a number of her pieces are owned and on permanent display locally by Westminster Savings Credit Union and by the City of New Westminster.

Fraser River Discovery Centre Receives BC Hydro Grant Fraser River Discovery Centre (FRDC) School Programs have been awarded an investment of $10,000 from BC Hydro’s Community Investment, Outreach & Education funding program. BC Hydro, designated by Imagine Canada as a Caring Company for its community investment practices is making the contribution

for a second year, having invested in FRDC’s education programs for the 2009-10 school year. FRDC’s mission is to be recognized as a centre of excellence for stimulating passion, education and enlightenment about the Fraser River so it can be sustained for generations to come. FRDC’s education programs provide students with an opportunity to develop a respect for the river’s role in shaping British Columbia’s ecological, social and economic diversity. SARGENT’S CITY SCENE end

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February 2011 Tickle Me Elmo A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they

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get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo’s all over the floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,” I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.”

THE PARROT This woman has always wanted a parrot and so she saves up her money and buys a parrot. As soon as she gets the parrot home it begins saying these incredibly foul obscenities. The woman rightly offended by the bird’s use of the English language takes the bird back to the pet store where she got it and explains to the owner the

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

language is most certainly unacceptable and tells her that the next time the parrot swears to put the parrot in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an obscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill sergeant blush. The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two minutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot “that’s it I’ve had it. I’ll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I’ll put you back in the freezer” The parrot replies “I won’t do it again, I swear, I’ll be good”. The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, “ I’ve just got one

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question, What did the chicken say?”

THE PSYCHIC HOTLINE A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.” Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over

COMING EVENTS

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6 SUPERBOWL SUNDAY @ 3PM, LOTS OF DOOR PRIZES, GRAND PRIZE… BEER FRIDGE! SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13 VALENTINE’S DAY BASKET DRAW SATURDAY, MARCH 19 REVERSE DRAW

Café now open for lunch Tuesday to Friday

a barbed wire fence? A: Udder destruction.

FIRE DEPARTMENT QUIZ If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.

604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St

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February 2011

LOSE WEIGHT… KEEP IT OFF!

(AND YES, YOU CAN WRITE IT OFF TOO!)

For information, call NORMA AMES 604-522-1737 Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t

5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging

baptize cats.

that held its ground. on the inside.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Great Truths About Growing Old: 1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is

4. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

optional. 2. No one other than your contemporaries

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

care how it used to be. 3. Time may be a great healer, ! But it’s a

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned: 1.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

lousy beautician. 4. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 5. It’s frustrating when you know all the

2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.

answers but nobody bothers to ask you

3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet,

the questions.

with a few nuts.

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778-887-5239 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

WIT AND INTELLIGENCE IN ENGLAND A customer at Jolly Old England’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear, “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.” “You sell them here?” the customer asks. “Only £4 apiece,” says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough,” says Morris. The customer goes home with 20 more fish

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heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry. “Hey, Morris,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for £4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for £2… you’re ripping me off!” “You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already!” Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

710B 6th Street New Westminster

604.524.9022

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February 2011

CALL IN SICK

possess the disposal, and she was ground into

Calling in sick to work makes me

round, I’d have to live with that the rest of

uncomfortable because no matter how

my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck

legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss

naked, hoping to make a statement about

thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had

how her cowardly behavior was not without

a valid reason but lied anyway because the

consequence but it was I who would suffer.

truth was to humiliating to reveal.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head

sink to find the button. It is the last action I

injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next

remember performing. It struck without warning,

day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the

without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it

bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I

wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its

mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.

gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty,

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to

clawing playfully at the dangling objects she

my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

spied between my legs. She (“Buttons” aka “the

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking

Grater) had been poised around the corner and

my shower after breakfast when I heard my

stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,

“Ed!” she hearkened. “The garbage disposal

she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and

is dead. Come reset it.” “You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts

region, they lose all rational thought to

going and sucks me in? “ Pause. “C’mon, it’ll

control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively,

only take a second.” No logical assurance

their nerves compel the body to contort

about how a disposal can’t start itself will

inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate

calm the fears of a person who suffers from

of speed. Not even a well trained monk could

“Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,” a condition

calmly stand with his groin supporting the full

brought on by watching too many Stephen King

weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in

movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of

a step-by-step procedure.

like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact,

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight” syndrome; men, in this

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

100

February 2011

predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

THE UNDER

ART LAUNCH

FEB 11–13, 2011

2ND FLOOR RIVER MARKET AT NEW WESTMINSTER QUAY

810 QUAYSIDE DRIVE

FEATURING LIMITED EDITION PRINTS,

3D WORKS, PAINTING,

DRAWING & MORE FROM LOCAL ARTISTS WWW.NEWWESTARTISTS.COM

If they had only known.

For more information please contact NWA President Andrea Fergusson via president@newwestartists.com or 604.349.2902

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form name address city Province Phone email

Postal

❑ one year ($20) ❑ Two Years ($30) ❑ neW ❑ RENEWAL Make payments to “Sargent’s Publishing” Piﬄe Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Submit your joke at piffle.ca

February 2011 SOME MUSICAL FUN A “C,” an “E-flat,” and a “G” go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the

International Village Mall in Tinseltown

bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out

Two hours free parking

now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who

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used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

February 2011

CITYPAGE Coming Soon.

COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS

ASSOCIATION MEETINGS

EVENTS CALENDAR

AND MORE...

The City of New Westminster CITYPAGE is coming to the New Westminster NEWSLEADER.

16.02.2011.

511 Royal City Avenue, New Westminster, B.C. V3L 1H9 | Ph. 604.521.3711 | Fx. 604.521.3895 | www.newwestcity.ca

SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE

the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with

harder than foreign balls.

your tongue.

Ball removal procedures differ depending

2. All idiots, after reading this first truth, try it.

upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign

3. The first truth is a lie.

balls can be replaced using the pop-off

4. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re smiling now because you are an idiot.

method. Domestic balls are replaced by using

5. You will soon show this to another idiot.

the twist-off method.

6. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still a stupid smile on your face.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).

sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or

pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum

should it perform erratically, it may need a

customer satisfaction. Any customer missing

ball replacement. Because of the delicate

his balls should contact the local personnel

nature of this procedure, replacement of

in charge of removing and replacing these

mouse balls should only be attempted by

necessary items.

properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from? A: Ugly sheep.

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February 2011

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland