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NOVEMBER 2010 | Your community humour magazine | issue 122
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Herb Hamm stands beside one of the many exhibits at the Museum of the Royal Westminster Regiment located in the Armoury at 530 Queens Avenue in New Westminster. The November 11 Remembrance Day Service will be held there starting at 10 am. See CITY SCENE inside for details.
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November 2010
“Praising what is lost makes the remembrance dear.” – William Shakespeare
THE SALVATION ARMY
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The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 17th to December 24th, 2010 Call 604-521-2421 for more information. Email: sanw_kettles@telus.net A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
November 2010
3
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If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?
4
November 2010 TGIF
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The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself? I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.
Blind Date “How was your blind date?” “Terrible! He showed up in a 1935 Rolls Royce.” “What’s so terrible about that?” “He was the original owner!”
Funeral Procession Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing,
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when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green. As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.” The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”
LARRY & DALE Two roofers, Larry and Dale were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden wind gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you think, I’m stupid? “I have an idea” said Dale. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” “What, do you think I’m stupid?” said Larry “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.” Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
November 2010
5
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILEY SPECIALS
House Call It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted. “No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”
I NEED A PUSH A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.” You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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November 2010 Glass Eye A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!
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New CEO A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
November 2010
7
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO
Remembering our Fallen Heros
looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Yeah, he’s the delivery guy from Domino’s Pizza.”
QUIET A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca
Advertising Executives Bailey Murphy: 604-512-9116 Marquie Murphy: 778-887-5239 George Labash: 604-525-4105 Josh Larsson: 778-886-6968
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
8
November 2010 TRUCK FULL OF PENQUINS A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins – and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”
Mouse Balls NOTE: I don’t know how anyone could write this with a straight face! This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its employees.
International Village Mall in Tinseltown
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
November 2010
9
It went to all the company’s field engineers, and it was in regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the last sentence!)
SIZE MATTERS Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?” “I’m waiting.” “Waiting for what?” asked Larry “Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
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NOVEMBER 5TH–11TH We honour Veterans and their Families for their service and sacrifice.
NOVEMBER 11TH REMEMBRANCE DAY
10AM: Service at Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury, 530 Queens Ave 10:45AM: Service at Cenotaph, City Hall 11AM: 2 minutes of silence The Legion is open from 11AM for Veterans, Members, Guests and those who attend the Remembrance Service. All guests are welcome after 2PM.
War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
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November 2010
FIRE SAFETY FOR SENIORS
Seniors are among the most vulnerable to fire injury and death. As a senior, you must take special precautions to care for yourself.
KITCHEN CAUTION
• Don’t leave food unattended on the stove. • Wear short or close fitting sleeves and an apron to avoid catching clothes on fire. • Use potholders, not towels, to handle hot pans and dishes. • Don’t use the oven to heat your home.
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Panini | Soups | Sandwiches | Wraps Lasagna | Quiche | Muffins
BE PREPARED
• Install a smoke alarm on every level of your home. Test your smoke alarms frequently. • Plan your escape routes (two from every room, if possible) in case a fire does strike. Locate two exit stairways from your apartment building. Never use elevators in a fire.
CALLING 9-1-1
• Place a 9-1-1 sticker on your phone so that you will always have the number at your fingertips during an emergency. • Call 9-1-1 from a safe location for any fire, medical or police emergency.
IN CASE OF FIRE
• When the smoke alarm sounds, check the door. Stay low behind the door, reach up and feel the door and the door handle for heat. If the door feels cool, open it slowly. If the door feels warm or if you see smoke or flames on the other side, shut the door and use your second exit. • If your clothes catch on fire, STOP, DROP and ROLL, covering your face with your hands. Keep rolling over until the flames go out.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
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November 2010
11
WOOF
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out
“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left
a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof.
early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The
funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same
GOLF BALLS A man entered the bus with both of his
price.” The dog replied, “But that would
front pockets full of golf balls and sat down
make no sense at all!”
next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and
THE CABBIE AND THE CAT A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put
his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she
HOLY WATER
always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes
Q. How do you make holy water?
out to the taxi while the husband goes back
A. Boil the hell out of it.
in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.
LIFE AFTER “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 12.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
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November 2010
WHERE YA GOIN’
“Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had
Officer to driver going the wrong way up Clarkson Street, a one way street, “And where do you think you are going?” Driver: “I’m not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back.”
paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
The Porch A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire
House Call It was the middle of the night. Suddenly
herself out as a ‘handy-woman’. She started
there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use
thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted. “No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”
somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How
THE CAPTAIN & THE SEAMAN
much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How
Through the pitch-black night, the captain
about $50?” The man agreed and told her
sees a light dead ahead on a collision course
that the paint brushes and everything she
with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your
would need was in the garage.
course 10 degree east.”
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” Later that day, the blonde came to the door
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the startled
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
husband asked.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
November 2010
13
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If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
14
November 2010
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
November 2010
15
COBE (CELEBRATION OF BUSINESS EXCELLENCE) AWARDS Wednesday, November 17, 2010 5:45pm Inn at the Quay, 900 Quayside Drive Registration $75.00 + HST per person. New Westminster Chamber of Commerce 601 Queens Avenue 604-521-7781
A VERY VICTORIAN CHRISTMAS November through January Irving House, built in 1865, is open year round, and dresses up for the holidays with traditional decorations, including a tree in the Large Parlour. You can enjoy seasonal music, Victorian family teas, and hands-on heritage programmes for the children. Contact the Irving House Historic Centre at 604-527-4640
PAINT FOR PEACE
November 21, 2010 5:00pm, at Douglas College Paint for Peace is a unique fundraiser involving 40 local artists from different genres who will come together and paint art pieces live, in front of an audience of over 300 people. Each artist will bring prepared pieces as well and at the end of the night their art will be auctioned off. 100% of the proceeds will go towards the Peace & Love Growth Center; a world class orphanage and
women’ s right centre being built in Cape Town, South Africa in 2011. www.peaceandloveinternational.com Shannon McKenna smckenna9@hotmail.com 604-376-1647
CHRISTMAS FOR KIDS TOY DRIVE & PANCAKE BREAKFAST Wednesday December 1, 7:00am – 10:00am Paddlewheeler Pub, 126-810 Quayside Drive
HYACK CHRISTMAS PARADE OF LIGHTS
December 4, 2010 4:00pm Each year, Hyack kicks of the holiday season with the multicultural parade in Downtown New Westminster, followed by a Tree Lighting ceremony. The Christmas Parade of Lights in 2010 will be our 24th Christmas Parade. Each year the interest from participating bands, floats and community groups, such as guides, scouts, and multicultural societies, that wish to appear in the parade, grows. This year this magical parade will start at 4:00 pm, with the coming of twilight on a winter’s day. From bands playing festive music, to floats featuring reindeer, elves, candy canes and toys, it is a swirl of sound, colour and lights that brings a tap to the toes and a twinkle to the eyes. Kids of all ages delight to see colourful clowns and marching mascots. The event involves families and youth in a fun, free activity that engages the community in a civic celebration.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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November 2010 SUPER DRUNK Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, “You know, there’s such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you’ll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. The second guy said, “I don’t believe it, you’ll have to prove this to me.” So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. “See, I told you,” he says. The second guy says, “I’ve got to try that.” So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground. The first guy returns to the bar and orders
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another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, “You’re a mean drunk, Superman.”
CONSTRUCTION SITE FUN A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
November 2010 Sheep Herd There was a blonde who was sick of all the
17 THE EMAIL A man who was just married was flying to
blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a
the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new
make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She
bride was to accompany him the next day.
went driving down a country road and came
When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let
across a herd of sheep. She stopped and
her know he made it there safely. When he
called the sheep herder over.
sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In
“Tell you what. I have a proposition for you,” said the woman. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and
Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:
then replied “382”. “Wow!” said the herder.
Dear love,
“That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.” So the woman went and picked one out and put
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Love, Me.
it in her car. Then, the herder said, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you.” “What is it?” queried the woman. “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
NEW ON THE JOB A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
murphy MAZE
the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.” The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.” Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
18
Events in New West The Wishmaker Walk for Wishes held in New Westminster proved to be a great success. Families, community groups, volunteers and individuals came together with the single purpose of raising funds to grant the most heartfelt wish of children living with a life threatening illness. Local businesses welcomed participants and passerby enjoyed the sights of some interesting costumes! A total of 108 Wishmaker Walks for Wishes took place across the country, raising an estimated $1.3 million. The presenting sponsor of this year’s Wishmaker Walk for Wishes was Compass Groups Canada, who provided added support by entering a great many teams in walks across the country.
November 2010
The Downtown New Westminster BIA President’s Message The wind of change is blowing in Downtown New Westminster. The River Market, formerly known as the New Westminster Quay Market, is opening doors to new businesses after a major renovation. Plaza 88 is taking shape to be the largest shopping centre built around a Skytrain station. A new civic centre is will be built on Columbia Street and 8th Ave. The Waterfront Pier Park is taking shape. The Burr Theatre will soon re-open as the new home for Lafflines Comedy Club and provide the largest banquet/meeting facility in New Westminster. The City’s Official Downtown Community Plan recently won a 2010 Downtown Merit Award from the Washington based International Downtown Association. However, change does not come easily. While we look forward to the return of the “Miracle Mile” on Columbia Street, we are facing a few dark clouds of uncertainty over the replacement of the Pattulo Bridge and the discussion on the North Fraser Perimetre Road. We remember from the recent Canada Line construction how major projects like this can destroy businesses and frustrate residents. What will happen to the historic Front Street if it is “encapsulated” to handle more truck and train traffic? What will happen to our Front Street Parkade that the property and business owners paid for 30 years?
So what is the Downtown New Westminster Business Improvement Society doing about this looming disaster? While the City and Translink are busy working on larger projects, our volunteer board of directors are focusing on “accomplishing incremental improvements designed to mitigate the negative impacts of these problems” (a quote from our 2008 Strategic Plan) such as: encouraging more street patios, trimming trees to expose heritage buildings and business signs, This year, the Foundation working with the I’s on the Street to clean up sidewalks, expects to grant 1,000 new asking the City to reduce fines for expired metres, wishes and is proud to have promoting our businesses through various events and all forms of media, never refused a wish to an encouraging new investments and businesses, and eligible child, and with the help strengthening our community pride and spirit in the process!
of volunteers and generous donors, is able to grant nearly three wishes every day.
We are doing all these and much more to be the preferred destination for work, shopping and entertainment for the residents of New Westminster. As the author of our 2008 Strategic Plan said, “Attention to destination infrastructure such as cultural attractions, heritage, and improved waterfront will be important, but it should never be believed that you can make your downtown appealing to people from far away if your own residents don’t like it.” So forget the traffic woes and shop local. Come and rediscover YOUR downtown! If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
November 2010
19
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
20
November 2010
Songs of the 60s – with slight revisions Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.
They include: Bobby Darin – Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash Herman’s Hermits – Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker Ringo Starr – I Get By With A Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? Roberta Flack – The First time ever I forgot Your Face Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now. Paul Simon – Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver The Commodores – Once, Twice, Three Times To the Bathroom Procol Harem – A Whiter Shade Of Hair Leo Sayer – You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations – Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone ABBA – Denture Queen “You haven’t seen my teeth have you Wilma?” Tony Orlando – Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy – I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore Leslie Gore – It’s My Procedure, And I’ll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson – On the Commode Again
LET’S ASK THE WAITRESS, SHE’S NICE Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fastfood restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”
A BIT OF BOTH Submitted by Jim Nicholas
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.” The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that?” The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features… of a male and a female.” The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis… AND a brain?”
MY DOG MIDNIGHT “Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.” Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween party? A. Because he had no body to go with. Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
November 2010
PANIC ON 401 As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife Laura’s voice urgently warning him, “Larry, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the 401 Highway. Please Be Careful!” “It’s not just one car,” said Larry.
21
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not
BRIAN SULLIVAN
like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
Submitted by Don Mackay
But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he
A man walked out to the street and caught
really knew how to treat a woman and make
a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and
her feel good. He would never answer her
the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just
back even if she was in the wrong; and his
like “Brian!
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
Passenger: “Who?”
polished too. He was the perfect man! He
Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did
never made a mistake. No one could ever
everything right all the time. Like my coming
measure up to Brian Sullivan.”
along when you needed a cab, things happen
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How’d you meet?”
like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds
died. I’m married to his widow.”
over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand
I BEAT MY DOG A man went to visit a friend and was amazed
Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
to find him playing chess with his dog. He
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like
watched the game in astonishment for a while.
a Broadway star and you should have heard
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed.
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
“That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
22
November 2010 Tour Bus Driver A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another
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batch again, he asks her “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?” “We can’t chew them because we have no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the chocolate around them.”
ANOTHER TURKEY STORY A new young blonde bride calls her Mom in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!” “Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.” “No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I
A. 60… start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes
later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.” “Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.” “No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.” “Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?” “Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”
THE POET The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration. “Yes, he told the young girl. “I’m at present collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.” “Lovely,” said the girl. “I’ll look forward to it.” When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
November 2010
23
Po e t ’s
by Don Benson
HONOUR HOUSE by Susan McLeod
Defenders will battle 'til weary and wanting
And often their wounds will be hidden away. And even when healing their struggles are daunting Continuing on while the memories stay. The horrors that weaken restorative waters, The nightmares that menace the calm of the night, Distorted deceptions of horrible slaughters, The longing and prayers for return of the light.
ABOUT THE POEM The first of its kind in Canada, Honour House on St. George Street will be a refuge and a place of composure for Canadian Forces, Police, Fire and Ambulance personnel and their families to stay while healing occurs. Establishing Honour House in New Westminster was an initiative of Mayor Wayne Wright.
A refuge was needed to clear the confusions, A harbour of safety to weather the storm, Support to relinquish the shadow illusions, Restorative peace for returning the norm. With patience and courage the aid will be given, With comfort, the healing advantage is clear. With knowledge and kindness the helpers are driven, And pleasures are welcomed when loved ones are near. St. George fought the dragon, was pierced but was healed, And so can our heros reclaim what was dear. Removing the burdens 'til love is revealed, Suppressing return of the things that they fear. We value those choosing an arduous vocation Who bravely respond when the dangers are clear. We honour their valour and strong dedication, And offer a solace in Honour House here. Traditions
SIMON FRASER
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Don Benson
604-521-5583
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Don Benson
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
A resident of New Westminster for more than two decades, poet Susan McLeod appreciates the City’s diversity, and enjoys composing poems about local current events and our many traditional celebrations. Poetry for Susan has been a lifelong pursuit that is for her a challenging and creative outlet.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
24
November 2010
Working The Line Part I
by the Hainswor ths
T
he world of the labourer can often be left out of public discourse regarding heritage preservation and historic value. We would be all the better for knowing more about labour history to value and honour it as much as the lives and homes of successful pioneering city entrepreneurs, that usually become the centerpiece of local histories. Much rarer, and frequently undiscovered, are the names, lives, and collective contributions of the ordinary workers, both men and women. New Westminster and British Columbia both owe their identities to the pioneers who came west to define or redefine themselves through their working lives. Many wanted to be remembered as the new pioneers and to make their names as well as securing a living. Some wanted to make their fortunes by building industry and becoming
Courtesy NWPL #1075 the barons of the booming frontier. We imagine all these individuals, cut from the mould of the Columbia Detachment of Royal Engineers, and the heroic women who came here to join in a common cause, gazing with determination at the rough wooded bluff and seeing in their minds’ eyes a new city surpassing in grandeur the places they had travelled from. The idea of being a part of building a better life from the ground up by taking part in adventures like the Gold Rush for example, or by the simple assurance of finding work as a labourer, all kinds of work, was very appealing for some. Adventurers came to the new land bringing a work force with essential skills to fuel growth. There are those who came from other parts of Canada, from England
of course and the USA, and from many other parts of the world where it took many months to arrive. For example, people came from China dreaming of “Gold Mountain,” a plan to make a fortune through hard work and good luck who encountered racial barriers as rigid and hard to scale as the Province’s many mountains and canyons. The stories of women who bravely challenged themselves by venturing into an adventurous new world were too often lost in the long-standing un-liberated attitude towards them. Life was hardest, though, for those men, women and children who were already here — the First Nations, driven from their lands, decimated by disease, detached from their identities and forced to build anew. All these factors shaped where we live today and who we are tenfold. The history of New Westminster’s industrial and working heritage is complex, and unfortunately there is not any one single source that fully documents this area of local history. However, one can find individual collections on specific areas within the work force, books for example, like: The Story of the B.C. Electric Railway Company by Henry Ewert, Royal Metal: The People, Times and Trains of New Westminster Bridge by Barry Sanford, and although not written containing New West specifically -is an interesting book on the female working class called: Victorian Working Women: Portraits From Life by Michael Hiley. Of course there are preserved public collections packed with information in historical photographs, but there is also the rich source within the telephone directories at your local library, where one can easily find information about labourers. Although these directories changed in structure depending on those who collected information to complete them, but some can reveal the professions of residents or where they worked. Another source is the many old newspapers from the past that are available because of the internet, library and archival microfiche. This history alone would be worthy of a future book covering historically the working lives of local men and women. Our photograph this month was taken near Gilley Ave. and Kingsway in Burnaby circa 1890’s, and shows the size of the first growth trees being cut in the logging twilight years. Early West Coast loggers found techniques used “Back East” were of little use: trees were too large, the ground too damp, and the rivers too wild. They had to adapt to harvest BC forest giants. Avoiding denser wood at the base, and cutting trees at the narrowest accessible point, the trees were notched and springboards inserted for the men to
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A . Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
November 2010
25
stand upon. Using two-man cross saws drawing the cutting teeth forward and back for most of a day, they faced great risks to fell just a single one of the enormous Douglas firs or cedars. Moving the mighty trees through the mud and underbrush to get to the mills presented its own special challenges. Loggers would position logs side by side horizontally to form a “Skid Road” where immense teams of oxen or horses would drag the logs to the mill. This yarding process was referred to as “working the green line,” and was used in the late nineteenth century.
Working the line defined working life for many of the city’s citizens, and there were working lines for many businesses and industries in New West. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca. If you have any comments about this article or any other article, and you want to post us a note, mail to: Hainsworths, c/o The Piffle, Fourth Floor, 604 Columbia Street, New Westminster, BC, Canada, V3M 1A5.
BOOK SIGNINGS Ibrahim Honjo, Poet
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FEATURED POETS
Eugene Kaellis, Author
Wednesdays 10am – 12pm for November 2010 until June 2011.
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Enigma from the Stone November 14, 1pm www.eugenekaellis.ca November 21, 1pm
Valen Watson, Author
House of Northern Lights www.redsquarepress.biz November 21, 2pm
Fees are only $20 each month & includes coffee & muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.
Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
November 14
Heidi Greco
November 21
Keith Wilkinson November 28
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Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A . Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
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November 2010
F S P N O E H X F C L M H Q W
M V D U E I V Y R O V H S J W
A U O J I N D A B M S F I Y C
T L I P F N M A L M R B T N V
K N C G A M T K F O B B I Y W
H Z E M L T T F J N U E R G T
T Q R T L E Z L Q W U R B E D
X O Z E H N B R Q E Q A J N I
N M X A B E Y K S A T O W B E
Z J I O Q P R T D L E H C S P
O S A O G B E L B T R Z M Z P
A T L A N T I C A H L E I D E
F T S T N F T G B N D X P N E
D X J U V S B I G Z D X Y R T
W B F I T A L Y M V B S J M Z
WORD SEARCH ASIA ATLANTIC BATTLE BELGIUM BRITISH COMMONWEALTH DIEPPE ITALY NETHERLANDS NORMANDY SCHELDT VALOUR
Q. Why did the girl throw the clock out the window? A . Because she wanted to see time fly!
November 2010
27
Watkins will be in the ROYAL CITY CENTRE Fri, Dec 3 to Thur, Dec 9
LIZA’S
(regular mall hours)
HOROSCOPES November 2010
ARIES: All relationships go well for you this month. You are able to achieve harmony and understanding. Legal matters should work in your favour. TAURUS: All matters relating to your work and daily life will go smoothly for you this month. Your health will receive a positive boost, just avoid over indulgence. GEMINI: Love could blossom for you this month. Creative activities are favoured. This month is for fun so enjoy yourself. CANCER: A good month to catch up on those home renovations you have been putting off. Much can be accomplished around the home. LEO: You see beauty in everyday encounters with others. Much communication takes place this month. Just keep conversations light and friendly. VIRGO: Your in the mood to go shopping this month. You may want to keep those credit cards at home and put some money away for the future. LIBRA: Being the peacemaker generally comes easy for you. However this month you may find yourself doing just that more often than usual. SCORPIO: Life has been very busy for you the past few months and now you seek rest and quiet. A good time to evaluate everything you have accomplished. SAGITTARIUS: Friends and social activities keep you busy this month. Your dreams and wishes can come true if you just put the energy into it. CAPRICORN: Favorable circumstances take place in your work and profession. Authority figures see you in a good light and look forward to your ideas and input. PISCES: Thinking about travelling? This is a good month to take that holiday you have been dreaming about. Higher education is also favoured.
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Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.
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November 2010
Sargent’s City Scene Forrest Marine Ltd. is the 21st inductee into the Fraser River Hall of Fame Each year, the Fraser River Discovery Centre Society recognizes significant achievements and contributions made by a family, individual, business, corporation or organization to the
Mike and Ray Forrest aboard their boat “Nellie Irene”.
Fraser River with an induction into the Fraser River Hall of Fame. This year, the Society is proud to induct Forrest Marine Ltd. Mike and Ray Forrest, current owners of Forrest Marine Ltd., are the third generation of the Forrest family to live and work on the Fraser River. In 1916 Mike and Ray’s grandparents, Samuel and Hilda Forrest, towed their float house to Port Coquitlam, where Samuel worked in the shipyards. When Samuel died in 1935, their children, Harvie and Eve, inherited two boats and began working on the river. In 1944, Harvie married Nel and they had three children, Ray, Mike and Joyce. Mike and Ray have worked side by side since they were old enough
to help their father and continue today with their wives Karen and Jackie. Over the years, the Forrest family businesses have included a saw mill, log sorting operations, tug business, fishing operations and water taxi. Today, Forrest Marine, Ltd. is located on the family homestead at the foot of Pitt River Road in Port Coquitlam. The business prides itself on providing a wide variety of marine services and exceptional customer service. Mike and Ray can also pride themselves on continuing a strong family tradition of community involvement and river stewardship.
Paint for Peace, November 21, 2010 5:00pm, at Douglas College Paint for Peace is a unique fundraiser involving 40 local artists from different genres who will come together and paint art pieces live, in front of an audience of over 300 people. Each artist will bring prepared pieces as well and at the end of the night their art will be auctioned off. 100% of the proceeds will go towards the Peace & Love Growth Center; a world class orphanage and women’s right centre being built in Cape Town, South Africa in 2011. www.peaceandloveinternational.com Shannon McKenna smckenna9@hotmail.com 604-376-1647
Q. Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants? A . In case he got a whole in one!
November 2010
39th Annual Royal City Builders Awards a Success On October 6, 2010 the City of New Westminster and the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce presented the 39th Annual Royal City Builders Awards. These awards honour outstanding projects completed in 2009 in New Westminster. Over 100 people were in attendance, including Mayor Wayne Wright and members of City Council, at the gala dinner event held at the Inn at the Quay. Winners in the Modern Development category Commercial Renovation 715 Columbia Street – Waves Coffee House Modern Residential Port Royal Red Boat Phase 1A, Holly and Furness Streets
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SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Facility 330 East Columbia Street – Serenity Garden Winner in the Sustainability category #150-555 Sixth Street – Save-on-Foods Overall Royal City Builders Award, Building of the Year Port Royal Red Boat Phase 1A, Holly and Furness Streets
People’s Choice Awards (The Record) Exterior Heritage Restoration (Shield) and Renovation 116 Regina Street
Modern Commercial Columbia Square Plaza
New Home which Respects Heritage Streetscape 826 Burnaby Street
Modern Institutional 740 Carnarvon Street – Russell Housing Centre
Modern Residential Port Royal Red Boat Phase 1A, Holly and Furness Streets
Winners in the Heritage category Exterior Heritage Renovation 418 Fourth Street
Modern Institutional/ Commercial Columbia Square Plaza
Exterior Heritage Restoration (The Heritage Shield) 239 Sixth Avenue New Home Construction with Respect to Heritage Streetscape 509 Fader Street Winners in the Universal Access category Business #200-505 Sixth Street – BC Safety Authority
Commercial Renovation The Terminal Pub – 115 Twelfth Street The Royal City Builders Awards are proudly supported by several local businesses. This year’s sponsors include Westminster Savings, Griff Building Supplies, BC Hydro, BC Safety Authority, Terasen Gas, Grizzly Construction, Brook + Associates, Brer Rabbit Printing Company Ltd, Cartwright Jewelers, Enterprise Rent-A-Car, MVT Canada and The Record Newspaper.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
30
November 2010
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t
Museum of the Royal Westminster Regiment
Remembrance Day in the Royal City
by Gabor Gasztonyi The Museum of the Royal Westminster Regiment is located at 530 Queens Avenue in New Westminster. The museum which opened in the late 1970s is home to an impressive display of military memorabilia and artifacts covering the Regiment’s history from 1863 to the modern era including their current mission in Afghanistan. The museum is open Tuesday and Thursday from 11:00 am to 3:00 is looked after by many dedicated volunteers including Terry Oliver, Terry Leith, Lila Wood, Tom Lam, Wayne McCallum and Herb Hamm. At this special time of the year as we remember those who came before us and valiantly fought for our freedoms in past and current conflicts — lets just have a peak into this historical jewel right in front of our eyes. You will be truly impressed. I know I was.”
This years Remembrance Day Service will begin at 10:00 at the Armoury located at 530 Queens Avenue in New Westminster. The Memorial address will be given by the Duke of Westminster. Overflow seating will be provided at Queens Avenue United Church. The Church will open at 8:30 am and the public will be able to watch and listen to the Ceremonies taking place in the Armoury. Following the ceremonies, there will be a parade to the Cenotaph at the front of City Hall. At the Cenotaph, the two minutes of silence will be observed at 11 am. There will also be a 21-gun salute fired at 1 minute intervals commencing at 11 am. All four lanes of Royal Avenue between 4th Street and 6th Street will be closed briefly for portions of the ceremony. This will be followed by the wreath laying ceremony and the march past on Royal Avenue.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
November 2010
31
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604-512-9116 WHO’S THE BOSS? The boss was concerned that his employees
IN SAPPERTON IN THE 1950s Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip
weren’t giving him enough respect, so he
for little Ronnie Loftus who delivers our
tried and old fashioned method of persuasion:
Columbian Newspaper?
He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss”
His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it
and taped it to his door. After lunch, he
in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and
noticed someone had taped another note
some of it in the front yard.
under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
IN SAPPERTON IN THE 1950s Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip
NOT MIKE A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night,
for little Ronnie Loftus who delivers our Columbian Newspaper? His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it
one hunter returned alone, staggering under
in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and
an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked
some of it in the front yard.
another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he
left him lying there alone and carried the deer
firmly believes in them and has actually seen
back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
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November 2010 Chinese Dinner A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
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and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. “Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
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The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck.”
Meet the Boyfriend A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girls mom says “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of Community Service?” Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
November 2010
33
Sneezing On the Airplane Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few
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shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
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Are you OK?” “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
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rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.” The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “ I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?” The woman nodded, “Pepper.” Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
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Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
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November 2010 Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars. What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is allpowerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has
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stolen our tent.”
CLARENCE IS A BIG FELLER There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps
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of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
November 2010
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MAN’S BEST FRIENDS Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
THE CANDLES IN ROME A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.” When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. “He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out” came the harried reply.
DO THEY? Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?
THE BEGINNER A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.” Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
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November 2010
PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MINDS Submitted by Trevor Batstone
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
November 2010
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9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
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‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse.
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19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. I you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form Name address
turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’ 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
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November 2010
cti e A LIVING GUIDE
Check out the new Winter Active Living Guide
COMING NOVEMBER 24, 2010
Make it Happen!
www.nwpr.bc.ca Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
November 2010
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I
n recognition of Fire Prevention Week, an open house was held at New Westminster’s Glenbrook Fire Hall last month. There were live demonstrations, equipment displays, the fire safety house, and Sparky the Fire Dog. There was also a barbeque by donation with all proceeds going to the New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Society. This annual event is a day of fun and education for the entire family.
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
New Westminster Fire Chief Tim Armstrong in front of the City’s antique fire engine at the Fireman’s Open House.
SMILE Submitted by Trevor Batstone
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
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ARTISTS …is a recently-beginning,
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After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.” “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. Says the coroner… “Thought he was having his picture taken.”
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by Visual Artists. If you are a Visual Artist from New Westminster (or elsewhere) and would like to join, membership is only $10. Membership includes E-Invites to upcoming NWA exhibitions and events, E-Subscription to New West Artists’ Quarterly, and Voting rights plus much more. If you are a Visual Arts advocate and would like to become a Supporting Member, the above benefits (excluding voting rights) are yours. For more information please contact NWA President Andrea Fergusson via andreafergusson@gmail.com or 604.349.2902
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
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November 2010
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.