December 2010 | Your community humour magazine | issue 123
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Gerald Leclair of the Salvation Army and Ashley Gray, alias “Sally Ann” welcome you to participate in this years Salvation Army Kettle Drive at the Royal City Center in New Westminster. See CITY SCENE inside for details.
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December 2010
Warmest Greetings this Holiday Season …from My Family to Yours
Mayor Wayne Wright
THE SALVATION ARMY
WANTS YOU!
The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 17th to December 24th, 2010 Call 604-521-2421 for more information. Email: sanw_kettles@telus.net
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
December 2010
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Warm Wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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December 2010
Tis the season to
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What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime? A “pointsetter”! What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime? Merry Christmas to ewe! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open ‘til Christmas!
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What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor? Ribbon Hood! What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter “Y”! What do angry mice send to each other in December? Cross mouse cards! Why is it so cold at Christmas? Because it’s in Decembrrrr! What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve! What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations? You get “Tinsel”-itis! “Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?” “No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.” What is the best key to get at Christmas? A turkey!
War does not determine who is right… only who is left.
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What’s the best thing to give your parents
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILEY SPECIALS
for Christmas? A list of everything you want! What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way! What’s the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents? Silent Night! Where do mistletoe go to become famous? “Holly” wood! A Christmas thought: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
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“Doctor Doctor… I feel like a pack of cards!” “I’ll deal with you later.” “Doctor Doctor… I feel like a needle!” “I see your point.” “Doctor Doctor… I feel like a pair of curtains!”
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“Pull yourself together man!” “Doctor Doctor… I have 59 seconds to live!” “Wait a minute will you!”
104 YEARS Submitted by Bailey Murphy
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?“ The reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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December 2010 THERE IS FOOTBALL IN HEAVEN Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have
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been friends all of their lives. When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.” Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike… Mike.” “Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
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“Mike… it’s me, Joe.” “You’re not Joe. Joe just died!” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.” “Joe! Where are you?” “In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” says Mike. “The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of
SEASONS
GREETINGS Bill Harper, Councillor City of New Westminster
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
December 2010 our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there
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MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!” That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news? “You’re in the team for this Saturday.”
WEDDINGS & FUNERALS When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “YOU’RE NEXT!” They stopped that s**t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Ponder These A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca
Advertising Executives Bailey Murphy: 604-512-9116 Marquie Murphy: 778-887-5239 George Labash: 604-525-4105 Josh Larsson: 778-886-6968
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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December 2010 DRUNK DRACULA Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden. Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder… he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart. Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words… “Who are you?”… To which the dark stranger announced… “I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer”!
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
December 2010
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THE TOUGH TEACHER A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
ROUGH LOVE A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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December 2010 CONTEMPT Submitted by Bailey Murphy
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
CHRISTMAS FIRE SAFETY TIPS
To ensure a Merry Christmas and fire safe Holiday Season for everyone, New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services suggests the following fire safety guidelines be observed:
THE KITCHEN
Grease and fat fires are a leading cause of home fires in Canada, so be extra careful when doing this kind of cooking. Here’s what to do if grease in a pot or pan catches fire: • Smother the flames by covering the pan with a lid. • Turn off the heat immediately. • Use baking soda (flour can be explosive) on shallow grease fires. • Never turn on the overhead fan, as this could spread the fire. • Never throw water on a grease fire.
her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
THE CHRISTMAS TREE
• Get a freshly cut tree. It will stay green longer and be less of a fire hazard. • Try to pick a tree with a strong green colour and noticeable fragrance. • Keep the tree container filled with water. • Use a tree stand that has widespread legs for better balance. • Never use lit candles on the tree. • Remove the tree within 10 to 14 days. After that amount of time in a heated building, even the freshest tree can start to dry out.
LIGHTS
• Use Canadian Standards Association (CSA) certified light strings/sets. • Use the proper lights for the environment. Indoor light strings/sets should not be used outdoors because they lack weatherproof connections. • Some outdoor light strings/sets burn too hot indoors. Inspect light strings/set before use. • Turn off all lights before you go to bed.
CANDLES
• Place candles away from absolutely anything that could catch fire. • Never leave burning candles unattended. • Burn them only when a responsible adult is overseeing the flame. • Put candles in sturdy holders on a stable surface, well away from drafts, curtains, children and pets. • Snuff them out before leaving the room or going to sleep.
ELECTRICAL OUTLETS
• There is often a tendency to overload wall outlets during the holiday season. This is an unsafe practice and should be avoided. • Inspect all cords before using. Make sure they are CSA certified. • Look for loose connections or frayed or exposed wire. Discard any defective cords. • Read the labels and manufacturer’s instructions to ensure proper use. • To avoid possible overheating, do not coil or bunch an extension cord which is in use and do not run it under carpets or rugs.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
December 2010
11
your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and
realize you never will amount to anything more
heard some faint, unrecognizable music
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
ran and got the town magistrate.
what else to do he pointed across the room
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear
and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the
to the grave, listened for a moment, and said,
defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been
“Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony,
a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy,
And it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s
can’t build a normal relationship with anyone
the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest
Suddenly the realization of what was
in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
happening dawned on the magistrate; he
At this point the judge rapped the
stood up and announced to the crowd that
courtroom to silence and called both
had gathered in the cemetery. “My fellow
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet
citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s
voice, he said with menace, “If either of you
just Mozart decomposing.”
asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
contempt within 5 minutes!”
FREEDOM FIFTY Submitted by Bailey Murphy
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!
MOZART “When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 12.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
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December 2010
Christmas Service It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
service. “Well” said the clergyman “I guess
The Newfoundlander started searching
there’s no point in having a service today.”
desperately through his pockets and finally
“Well that’s not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
Christmas Post
The Newfie replied, “These are Carols.”
A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination do you want?” asked
BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.
the lady at the counter. “Good God!” she replied, “Has it come to this? I suppose you’d better give me twenty Catholic and twenty
CHICKENS The only animal you eat before they are born
Presbyterian.”
and after they are dead.
Christmas Joke
COMMITTEE
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates.” Saint Peter said.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Q. Who was the founder of the Salvation Army?
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
December 2010
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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December 2010
HAPPY HOLIDAYS and GOOD HEALTH FOR 2011! FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring FREE Blister Packing
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
December 2010
15
LIGHTING OF THE QUEENSBOROUGH FIRE HALL
Fri. December 3, 2010 @ 7:00 - 8:30 pm Bring your family, friends and pets to our annual lighting of the Fire Hall’s Christmas lights. The evening includes entertainment, carolling and refreshments from Tim Horton’s. Please bring a non–perishable donation for the food bank. Queensborough Fire Hall sponsored by the Queensborough Special Programs Committee. 604.525.7388
HYACK SANTA CLAUS PARADE OF LIGHTS
Sat. December 4, 2010 - Mon. January 4, 2010 @ 4:00 PM Presented by the Hyack Festival Association. This annual parade features a whirl of bands, floats, and holiday cheer, transforming Downtown into a twinkling fairyland. Downtown New Westminster Hyack Association, 604.522.6894 www.hyack.bc.ca
31ST ANNUAL BREAKFAST WITH SANTA
Sun. December 5, 2010 @ 9:30 11:00 am This annual Queensborough family favourite includes sausages, pancakes and refreshments. Santa will pay us a visit, for photos, followed by the everpopular entertainer Tony Prophet. Remember to buy yours early as this holiday tradition sells out quickly. Tickets: $7, Queensborough Community Centre 604.525.7388
INSPIRED BY JOY A. KIRKWOOD
Thu. November 25, 2010 - Mon. January 10, 2011 Joy’s art work often stems from a poignant encounter with the world around her. Examples of moments
captured in this exhibit include the geometry of a palm tree in South Carolina, the beauty of a twist of rope on a ferry and the comic relief of a seagull with a starfish. Plaskett Gallery (inside Massey Theatre) 735 Eighth Avenue, Massey Theatre, 604.517.5900 www.masseytheatre.com
THE RIPPLE EFFECT EXHIBIT
Sat. November 27, 2010 - Sun. March 27, 201 In 1995 and 2000, environmental swimmer Fin Donnelly swam the length of the Fraser to raise awareness about the river. The Ripple Effect celebrates this achievement and encourages visitors to think about ways they are affecting the health of the Fraser River. Fraser River Discovery Centre located at 788 Quayside Drive 604.521.8401 www.fraserriverdiscovery.org
ROYAL CITY FARMERS WINTER MARKET
Sat. December 11, 2010 @ 10am to 2pm A fun community event for everyone, with about 30 vendors selling local, fresh produce, meats, dairy, baked goods, crafts, and snacks, as well as entertainment for all ages. Free parking available in the Downtown Waterfront Parkade. Holy Trinity Cathedral (514 Carnarvon Street), Royal City Farmers Market, 778-928-7236, www.rcfm.ca
JINGLE BELL WALK & RUN FOR ARTHRITIS December 5, Inn At the Quay
CHRISTMAS STORIES AND CRAFTS
December 10 3:30 pm. New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Avenue Hear some Christmas stories, sing a seasonal song, and make a decoration to take home. For 5- to 10-yearolds. For more information call 604-527-4677.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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December 2010
Debt too high? No cash at the end of the month?
Do you own your own home? Do a debt consolidation loan with one mortgage payment! We have rates as low as prime -.70 % (2.05%) I CAN HELP YOU PAY OFF YOUR BILLS. O.A.C. rates subject to change.
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Save Interest, Live Wealthy!
WHY PAY 18% WHEN YOU CAN PAY 2.05%
A FART IS A PLEASANT THING A fart is a pleasant thing… It gives the belly ease… It warms the bed in winter… And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet… A fart can be loud… Some leave a powerful… Poisonous cloud A fart can be short… Or a fart can be long… Some farts have been known… To sound like a song….. A fart can create… A most curious medley… A fart can be harmless… Or silent… and deadly. A fart might not smell… While others are vile… A fart may pass quickly… Or linger a while… A fart can occur… In a number of places… And leave everyone there… With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie… To small elevators… A fart will find all of… Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad… Is simply not true… We must never forget…
Wishing you all a Happy Holiday
Sweet old farts like you!
YOUR LITTLE… Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said
that he usually played alone, but agreed to
the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
December 2010
17
The second guy said, “We’re about evenly
hitched to six white horses. They continue
matched, how about playing for five bucks a
on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to
hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much
the thousands of cheering Britons; all is
for betting, but agreed to the terms. The
going well.
second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart
As they were walking off number eighteen,
ever heard in the British Empire. The smell
the second guy was busy counting his
is atrocious and both passengers in the
$80.00. He confessed that he was the pro
carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
at a neighboring course and liked to pick on
noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the
suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was
two dignitaries of State do their best to
the Parish Priest.
ignore the incident.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The Queen turns to President Obama, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” Obama, always trying to be ‘Presidential’
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
replied: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I
The priest said, “Well, you could come to
thought it was one of the horses.”
Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
ROYAL FLUSH As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the
murphy MAZE
edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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December 2010
R ev. R ay Sa rgent Goodbye To Humbug! There is a movie that we all watch at this time each year in fact it’s almost a ritual at our house. The movie is that classic “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. Now it can’t be just any old version of that movie, it has to be that scary black and white one starring Alastair Sims and a cast of wonderful character actors.
The narrator then ends the film by saying: “Scrooge was better than his word. He became as good a friend and as good as a master and as good a man as the good old city or any other town or burrow the good old world ever knew.”
The amazing plot takes Mr. Scrooge and riddles him with guilt for his past, shows him a dyer present and a terrifying future. All of this causes him to improve his attitude and behaviour.
toward man” and “joy to the world the Lord is come.”
His behaviour and attitude changed because of the We all know the story and frightful night. That is not yet we watch it over and over the way of Jesus. Jesus again. Have you ever wondered came with love to cleanse why? Is it the characters, the us of our past, present and amazing plot, the superb future. He didn’t come to writing of Dickens, or the frightening us into changing. redemption message that The babe of Bethlehem came causes us to see even the worst to make us new people, new of men become a good man? creations “in Christ Jesus” not just good friends, masters It could be all of those or men. When we become reasons and more. “new creations” our attitude and behaviour will change. We remember the term Goodbye to humbug! “humbug” because we probably remember Mr. Charles Dickens’ Christmas Scrooge more for the nasty Carol is a good story, but it man he was than for the isn’t the salvation story. The atoned man we are told real Christmas Carol is: “for he became. People like to unto you is born this day in remember the worst about the City of David a Saviour someone than they do the which is Christ the Lord”, good. Sad! “peace on earth good will
Because of that Carol of God’s love we can say hello to Jesus and goodbye to humbug!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
December 2010
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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December 2010
Merry Christmas from the staff at the
Holland Shopping Centre
TOP TEN BEST CADDY COMMENTS Best Caddy Comment #10 Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.” Best Caddy Comment #9 Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved
Don’t forget to pick up your Christmas meats and goodies!
most of the earth.” Best Caddy Comment #8 Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
141 E. Columbia St. New Westminster, BC 604.522.8333
Best Caddy Comment #7 Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.” Best Caddy Comment #6 Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.” Best Caddy Comment #5 Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch - it’s a compass.” Best Caddy Comment #4 Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.” Best Caddy Comment #3 Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
December 2010
21
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.” Best Caddy Comment #2 Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
n the twelfth da y o f c h r i s t ma s my true love gave to me...
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.” And the #1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
MOOSE HUNTERS Two Newfie Hunters got a pilot to fly them to Ontario to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’ Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, David and Roy survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, David asked Roy “Any idea where we are?” Roy replied, “I think we’re pretty close to
t w e lv e p a n n e ko e ke n w i t h i c i n g
eleven strawberries for topping
ten eggs and bacon nine hash and veggies
eight cups of coffee seven sides of sausage
six cheesy omelettes
five cups of fruit four french toast
three hot chocolates two burgers grilling a n d a b re a k f a s t j u s t f o r m e s m m ie st of se as on wi sh in g yo u th e yu
where we crashed last year.”
MOO… GO TO BED
Bo o k yo u r C h r i stm a s pa r ty n ow!
Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? A. It’s pasture bed time. www.dedutch.com
FEELINGS A sign posted in a Dentist’s office said: “Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too.”
Gi ve th e g i f t o f D e D u tc h g i f t cards , n ow avai lab le. De Dutch New Westminster | 102-1035 Columbia Street, New Westminster, BC | 604-521-2288
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
22
December 2010 WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE? When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother’s grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, “Why did you die? Why did you die?” Over and over again.
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Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. “Why did you die? Why did you die?” bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, “My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?” “No,” sniffled the man, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”
PASSING GAS An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him,
William Booth
“I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?” He leans over to her and replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid…”
RIGHT IN THE EAR A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
December 2010
23
Po e t ’s
by Don Benson
TALL SHIPS by Don Benson Have you been outward bound on a Tall Ship When her sails find a wandering breeze?
Have you watched far at sea as a Tall Ship Glides regally out of the dawn?
Have you stood at her helm as she enters her realm — The Kingdom of Seven Far Seas? Her perfumes are tar, hemp and canvas; Her masts have a roguish rake;
With white wish-bone wake, like a bird on a lake — A giant majestic white swan; When the world was first new, The Creator, Decreed that Tall Ships in His plan Have great wind-fi lled wings; the most beautiful things To ever be crafted by Man.
An ancient sea-chime marks the passage of time While seagulls stiff-wing in her wake.
Sailors leave home for the Tall Ships For a world where horizons are far;
Have you climbed to the top of a Tall Ship And reached out to gather a cloud?
But only winds know the reasons they go To steer for a distant bright star;
There’s a sudden strong gust; your ship feels the thrust And she answers it, graceful and proud;
Does a sailor reflect in the oceans? Or the oceans reflect in him?
Have you stood wrapped in wind and high canvas, And felt what it means to be free?
Is his love for sail some unreachable Grail That gleams on horizon’s rim?
With the mast’s giddy sway through the great Milky Way, And you knew you were bred to the sea.
I dream troubled dreams of the Tall Ships, When canvas falls slack in the sun And the last Tall Ship swings, with white folded wings At anchor — and then are none;
Have you weathered a storm on a Tall Ship When the bottom fell out of the glass?
And if that day’s near, I pray I’m not here When old sailors dream on the shore,
Heard whip-crack of sail, and the shriek of the gale As she plunges into a crevasse?
No Tall Ships remain, lonely winds search in vain For the cloud of white sail that’s no more.
Then the bowsprit is spearing the heavens; There’s fear and despair in the air; The waves are so vast as you cling to a mast That you find yourself shouting in prayer!
Traditions
SIMON FRASER
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Don Benson
604-521-5583
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Don Benson
Back in 2002, the magnificent globecircling Tall Ships made it as far as Richmond, but not even one made it to New Westminster because of the fainthearted City Council of that day. However, inspired by the clouds of white sail and the white wishbone wakes, I wrote the poem Tall Ships in virtually one sitting. The work uses double rhymes, and gives argument for rhyme and rhythm verse as it is easy to memorize compared to free verse. And that means folks can carry it with them in their hearts. Critics have called Tall Ships the best work yet written on the subject, and predict the work will stand the test of time
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
ABOUT THE pOEm
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
24
December 2010
Postcard Puzzlers
of the Past: Part 2 by the Hainswor ths
P
iffle readers may remember our Sept. 2010 column featuring the HMS Shearwater, entitled “Postcard Puzzlers of the Past, Part I”, which detailed how history researchers can take many interesting routes when working with a picture postcard. Serving a greater commemorative function in the past, these postcards usually get characterized by the frontal image, and if you’re lucky, with a personalized message on the back which often marks personal or single historic moments of significance. Whether posted, or not, these cheap souvenirs are highly collectable now, just as they were at the time of production. Examining these types of historic sources is intriguing, and can generally lead the historian in many fascinating directions.
Japanese ocean liner with a capacity of 331 passengers, a displacement of 11,662 long tons, a length of 163.3 metres, a beam of 20.1 metres, and boasted many elegant interior features. Launched on Sept. 30, 1929, with a top speed of 18.38 knots, her maiden voyage was on May 1, 1930, and she was thereafter nicknamed the “Queen of the Pacific” — top of the line in class and style. Amongst her most famous early passengers were Japanese Prince and Princess Takamatsu, Kano Jigoro who was the founder of Judo, and Charlie Chaplin. During her lifetime as a passenger liner she made 254 Pacific crossings, and carried over 25,000 passengers before being retired in 1960. In the late 30s until 1941, she assisted in the escape of Jewish refugees before Japan’s entry into the 2nd World War. In 1941 the ship was repurposed as a hospital ship, and due to this status was safely able to sail through the war years. After the Japanese surrender in 1945, the Hikawa Maru was used to repatriate US troops from the Pacific Theatre, then carried cargo until 1954, when after being refitted again, returned as a passenger liner until her retirement. She was almost consigned to scrap, but a national campaign resulted in her 2003 designation as a Yokohama Cultural Asset. However, we still could not find the answer to why the Hikawa Maru was in The “Hikawa aru” at New Westminster, BC. The largest ship to pass New Westminster, and when did it sail under the Pattullo Bridge. New Westminster Series No. 24, courtesy under the bridge? These questions were of Hainsworth Collection. more of a challenge for us to solve due to the lack of information on the card, but This column’s postcard puzzle, not sent postally, with the fact that the Pattullo Bridge did not open until was discovered in a photo album by a family from New Nov. 15, 1937, and the date of Dec. 7, 1941, noted Japan’s Westminster now living in England. It’s a hand coloured attack on Pearl Harbour marking the beginning of the photographic image of a ship passing under the Pattullo ship’s wartime service, we were provided with “book-ends”. Bridge. Other than information on the card revealing The fact that the caption for the photo lists the ship where it was produced, the caption reads: “The ‘Hikawa as the “largest ship to pass under the Pattullo Bridge” Maru’ at New Westminster, B.C. The largest ship to pass was still our most useful clue for further research, under Pattullo Bridge.” whether or not that record still stands. A search of the Left with questions, like when and why this ship was headlines and the “Shipping and Industrial Section” in in New Westminster, still stand unanswered. It was not the British Columbian newspaper, did not show mention difficult to uncover the fascinating background of the ship, of this passage as a news story. Then we found in a 1938 which is now a floating museum permanently berthed newspaper, in which the Port of New Westminster at Yokohama. Built by the Yokohama Dock Company for advertised it was ranked 4th overall in Canadian exports, the Nippon Yusen Kaisha Line (N.Y.K.L.), the ship was a included the N.Y.K. Line as a contributor. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
December 2010
25
The final clue to the photo’s origin came from the book Fraser Port: Freightway to the Pacific, 1858-1985 (Sono Nis Press, 1986), stating that the New Westminster Harbour Commission in 1938, wished to consolidate its position as a port of significance after the building of the Pattullo Bridge, and included pictures of the active port. A quick check at our library’s reference department found a bound edition that referenced these reports. There at the front of the 1938 edition we found our exact photo and the answers to our questions in the following caption: M.S. ‘Hikawa Maru’ one of the crack combination passenger-freighter vessels of the Nippon Yusen Kaisha
BOOK SIGNINGS Bennett R. Coles Virtues of War
December 12, 1:00pm For more information about this author, visit his website
www.virtuesofwar.com Candice James Inner Heart A Journey
December 12, 2:30pm It’s all about love in poetry
Line making regular sailings from the Port of New Westminster, about to pass under the new Pattullo high level Bridge. To date, this is the largest vessel to proceed under this bridge, as well as the swing-span of the old Westminster Bridge (now a railway bridge exclusively), which can be seen in the background. This caption was clearly to position our little city as a “San Francisco of the North” with its own Golden Gate, the Pattullo. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP
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December 19
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Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
26
December 2010
N F Z X T Y M K J A R T E Y Z
G O A H F H S G M D E A G Q D
J A S L T E N U A N O L E W N
N E A R L O X W I U R U A Q P
V G N T E P O S L M S D N A B
S F T N U H O B L X T Q Q W R
E E G U I L P Q I D N N V G B
K U I N D F A C W J V V V W V
G X T I A I E S A S C J C H U
Y P E F R M X R Z M A E Q Z A
O R E O M M C F Y L L I M X O
S C R R Y S U I W I I O C M C
N C A M P A I G N T E C T E W
G V T S X J V F D V J M H O S
N O I T A V L A S N W G T V C
WORD SEARCH
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
ARMY BANDS BOOTH CAMPAIGN FLAGS JENNIFER KETTLES MACPHERSON SALVATION SOLDIERS UNIFORMS WILLIAM
December 2010
27
A GOOD TOSS A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The
LIZA’S
homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
WHITE HAIRS One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
THE COUGH Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning. Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
WALK A MILE Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can say whatever you want to. Q. How do you make holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
HOROSCOPES December 2010
Merry Christmas! Wishing all a Safe & Happy Holiday! ARIES: Any relationship started at this time will have long-lasting effects. For the better or worse. Money may come in through various partnerships. TAURUS: If any conflicts are going on in your life, now is the time to make amends. People are attracted to you during this holiday period. GEMINI: This is a good time relating to all matters concerning work and your profession. Authority figures and co-workers are open to your ideas. CANCER: This month certainly is right up your ally when it comes to partying and socializing. Fun times are ahead for you this month, just remember to keep it safe. LEO: Home is where the heart is this month. You will peace and serenity with family and friends. You may be thinking about those home renovations. VIRGO: Talk, talk and more talk going on for you this month. Your social life picks up and you find a great amount of joy and love with your general surroundings. LIBRA: Keep those credit cards at home. This month you are in the mood to spend more than you have. Keep it simple, they will love it. SCORPIO: You feel and look great this month and people are noticing. Your way of expressing yourself attracts others to you. SAGITTARIUS: You may be called upon to take care of a loved one this month, do so with grace. Although you just want to retreat, others need you at this time. CAPRICORN: Ask and you shall receive; a great motto. This month, dreams and wishes have a good chance of coming true. Friends seek you out. AQUARIUS: Authority figures see you in a good light this month. An affair with an “older person” is possible. Their wisdom is attractive to you. PISCES: If travel is on your mind, book those travel tickets early in the month. Any form of travel will prove to be quite educational.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
28
December 2010
Sargent’s City Scene
Winter Harp at Massey Theatre
Sunday, December 5, 2:30 p.m. This is a joint concert with the Vancouver Welsh Men’s Choir. Tickets $25 at 604-878-1190 or 604-521-5050 or online at www.vwmc.ca. Standing ovations, sold out concerts and rave reviews are the hallmarks of Winter Harp, an ensemble of harps, medieval instruments, flute, percussion, poetry and song. Join this world-class ensemble for a concert of heartwarming carols, songs and stories in celebration of the Christmas and winter season. The musicians, in gorgeous medieval attire, perform a hauntingly beautiful collection of music from well-known carols to Celtic and medieval carols. Dozens of candles light the stage set with breathtakingly beautiful backdrops of cathedral and snow. These illuminate the golden Celtic and classical harps and the collection of rare and intricately-carved 12th century instruments. Don’t miss this magical journey into the heart of winter, the heart of Christmas.
Winter Harp has been featured on numerous radio and television stations including CBC Radio, Bravo Television and CBC Television’s prestigious Opening Night series. Rare instruments include the ethereal-sounding bass psaltery (the only one like it in the world), the 12th century organistrum (the other one like it in Canada is in the Museum of Man in Ottawa) and the nyckelharpa. Winter Harp features Celtic harpist and singer Janelle Nadeau, classical harpist Scott Hughes, percussionist and singer Lauri Lyster, medieval instrumentalist Joaquin Ayala, flutist Jeff Pelletier, vocalist Caroline Markos and narrator Ron Halder. The director is Lori Pappajohn.
Christmas Parade of Lights The Hyack Festival Association and Downtown New Westminster businesses invite everyone to the opening of the holiday
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
December 2010
29
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE
con’t season and proudly present the 24th Annual Christmas Parade of Lights in Downtown New Westminster. another year. Please help us to reach our goal to The Christmas Parade of Lights started in raise over 1,000 items and bring a non-perishable 1986 and has since been rolling down Columbia food bank donation to the Hyack Square. Street. This year’s parade will take place on Dec For those who want to arrive early the River 4th starting at 4:00 pm. Market proudly presents Christmas Pre-Parade Melanie Vogel, organizer of the parade Festivities from 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. on the and Executive Director of the Hyack Festival lower level of the market. Festivities will include Association, is excited about the variety of entertainment, and kids’ crafts. Please visit Life festive parade entries and thrilled by the Liights, an inter-active musical light installation response of the community. “We have more on the upper level of the River Market. than 60 entries confirmed. I am sure everyone And for the right Christmas gift, “Think will be delighted to see our bright and colourful Downtown New Westminster First!” floats and marching groups dressed in Downtown businesses are open to offer creative Christmas costumes or you and your loved ones joy and laughter featuring live Christmas music. throughout the holidays for your party Our participants do their best planning and shopping needs. Happy to bring Holiday spirit to town.” To see more exciting offers Holidays! And with a twinkle in her eye throughout season, visit www. from The Sarge she adds: “The Hyack Christmas downtownnewwest.ca committee is very delighted The Christmas Parade of Lights is to announce that Wayne Goss a joint project with the Downtown New has confirmed his participation as Westminster Business Association and is Honourary Parade Marshal for this year. sponsored by Downtown New Westminster, City He is a remarkable resident of New Westminster of New Westminster, River Market, Quay Pacific and we are glad to have him since he is the Property Management Ltd, Scotiabank, Vancity, epitome of our theme for 2010 ‘Be your best in Newsleader as well as the The Keg, Key West the City of New Westminster.” Ford, Starbucks, Old Spaghetti Factory, Waves, With the arrival of Santa and Mrs. Claus KVOS TV and AM 650. we’re hoping that all of the children, big or small, Give Sally a Hug! By Gabor Gasztonyi attending the parade will bring their letter to This year’s Salvation Army Kettle Santa. Santa’s address is North Pole H0H 0H0. Campaign is off to a rousing start. Having Watch out for the Canada Post elves that will collected over 300,000. last year from generous collect all the letters along the parade route. donors in New Westminster and the TriThey will be delivered directly to the North Cities — this year’s goal is over 400,000. and Pole at the end of the parade. Please remember according to Salvation Army Soldier, Gerald to include your return address as Santa always Leclair, they are well on their way to meeting likes to write back. that goal. Gerald is most impressed with the We don’t want anyone to miss out on the many young children who come up to shake Holiday season and we are proud to partner with his hand — making donations to the kettle — the Greater Vancouver Foodbank Society for Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
30
December 2010
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t usually with parents watching in admiration nearby. “Its a great example for young people,” Gerald says, “because it helps to teach them the wonderful rewards of giving.” Our Mascot, “Sally Ann”, definitely agrees too, although a few times some of the smaller children were actually afraid of her! Two young ladies however came up to her recently hugged her and kissed her on either cheek. “All in a day’s work,” says Sally. Sally hopes to visit all the kettles up till the end of this year’s campaign on December 24th to support all the kettle volunteers — and to thank the many generous donors who have come to believe in the great work that the Salvation Army is doing in our community. Gerald who has been on kettle duty at Royal City Center for several years, came from a life of drug addiction and credits the Salvation Army for helping him recover and become a Christian. He spoke glowingly about the many programs provided by the Salvation Army in New Westminster including Bridge House for recovering addicts, Stevenson House and Garfield House that offer shelter and meals to the homeless. Be sure to come out and say hello to the dedicated kettle volunteers this season and if you see Sally — well, give her a hug!
Just in Time for Christmas Lights — IBEW and City of New Westminster Reach Agreement Following four months of negotiations, the City of New Westminster and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Local 213, reached an agreement on October 7th 2010 on a new contract for 12 employees with the City of New Westminster Electrical Utility. The Memorandum of Agreement which covers a two year term (April 1, 2010 through March 31, 2012) was ratified by the Local on November 4th. Employees represented by IBEW maintain the electrical distribution system which supplies electrical power to customers in the City of New Westminster.
Christmas Open House at MLA’s Office Saturday, December 4th, 2010 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Dawn Black, MLA Constituency Office, 737 6th Street, New Westminster Free parking in back of office. Please bring a donation of non-perishable food for the New Westminster Food Bank. For more information, phone 604-775-2101 or email dawn.black.mla@leg.bc.ca
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
December 2010
31
Call Bailey Murphy to Book Your Ad Today!
604-512-9116 THE BEARS
The second guy said, “I don’t believe it,
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
you’ll have to prove this to me.” So the first guy goes over the balcony
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want
and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls,
to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied;
and then he slows in mid drop, and begins
“No he beats me. “ The judge asked, so do
rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps
you want to live with mommy bear! The baby
back onto the balcony. “See, I told you,”
bear said, “No she beats me too.” The judge
he says.
asked, “Then whom do you want to live with?”
The second guy says, “I’ve got to try
The baby bear says, “The Chicago bears, they
that.” So he jumps off the balcony, and falls
don’t beat anyone!”
and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.
SUPER DRUNK
The first guy returns to the bar and orders
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, “You
another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, “You’re a mean drunk, Superman.”
know, there’s such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you’ll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
I Can’t See Were I Put Them Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
32
December 2010
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BAAS Systems - Suite 400 - 604 Columbia Street, New Westminster, B.C. V3M 1A5 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
December 2010
33
THE ROOSTER PUZZLE Submitted by Judy Bishop
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
COMING EVENTS
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
Meat Draws 60/40, 4pm–6pm Roll the Dice for Ham & Turkeys Plus Blackjack Tables & Great Appies!
NEW YEAR’S EVE DINNER/DANCE SINGLES $25, COUPLES $45
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Raffle for a 40" Flat Screen TV, Dance to Valentino, Gourmet Buffet Champagne at Midnight & More! Tickets at the Elks Club.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11 CHRISTMAS CHEER + CASINO NIGHT
Café now open for lunch Tuesday to Friday
the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of
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tea, but first…” he said with a deep sigh, “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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PUTTING ON POUNDS When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”
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IN SAPPERTON IN THE 1950s Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for little Ronnie Loftus who delivers our Columbian Newspaper? His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.
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Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
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December 2010 Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
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A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while
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talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
December 2010
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Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
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A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
WHO’S THE BOSS? The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!” A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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December 2010
TIP: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
SIZE MATTERS Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his
PANIC ON 401
girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife Laura’s voice urgently warning him,
you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?” “I’m waiting.” “Waiting for what?” asked Larry
“Larry, I just heard on the news that there’s
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”
a car going the wrong way on the 401
DO THEY?
Highway. “Please Be Careful!”
Two strands of DNA were walking down the
“It’s not just one car,” said Larry.
street. One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?
MY DOG MIDNIGHT “Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”
THE BEGINNER A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.”
War does not determine who is right… only who is left.
December 2010
37
IF AT FIRST If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
LIFE AFTER “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
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“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied. “That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
GOLF BALLS A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
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Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
WHERE YA GOIN’ Officer to driver going the wrong way up Clarkson Street, a one way street, “And
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where do you think you are going?” Driver: “I’m not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back.”
WOOF A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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December 2010
POE TIC JUSTICE
at RENAISSANCE BOOKS 43 6TH St New Westminster BC just up from Columbia Station
4 pm – 6 pm SUNDAYS (except holiday weekends) For more Information:
Franci Louann 604-522-7613 flouann@telus.net
The Porch A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
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house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked. “Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
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Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “It’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
My Living Will Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
December 2010 Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
39 The judge asked, “Then whom do you want to live with?” The baby bear says, “The Chicago bears, they don’t beat anyone!”
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Tour Bus Driver A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of
3. No one expects you to run… anywhere.
old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, ”Did I wake
shoulder by a little old lady.
you?” 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
the shoulder again and she hands the driver
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
another handful of peanuts.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?” “We can’t chew them because we have no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the chocolate around them.”
challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
THE BEARS At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; “No he beats me.” The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, “No she beats me too.”
NEWWEST
ARTISTS …is a recently-beginning,
NON-PROFIT VISUAL ARTIST GROUP run
by Visual Artists. If you are a Visual Artist from New Westminster (or elsewhere) and would like to join, membership is only $10. Membership includes E-Invites to upcoming NWA exhibitions and events, E-Subscription to New West Artists’ Quarterly, and Voting rights plus much more. If you are a Visual Arts advocate and would like to become a Supporting Member, the above benefits (excluding voting rights) are yours. For more information please contact NWA President Andrea Fergusson via andreafergusson@gmail.com or 604.349.2902
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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December 2010
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.