January 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 124
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Eric Davies of the Queens Park Meat Market celebrating 50 years of service to customers in the Royal City. See CITY SCENE inside for details.
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January 2011
ALL THE WISHING VERY BEST IN 2011
Mayor Wayne Wright Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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January 2011
FOR THAT ROMANTIC EVENT SHARED WITH SOMEBODY SPECIAL, LET INFINITY LIMOUSINE TAKE YOU THERE.
ONLY IN AMERICA A new Publix Supermarket opened in San Antonio, Texas. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts. In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle
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and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore
THE OLD FOLKS HOME During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
THE SERVICE The graveside service had just barely finished when there was a loud clap of thunder, then a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by more thunder rolling in the distance. The little old lady looked at the preacher and calmly said “Well… he’s there”.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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WHEN 1950s KIDS GROW UP Many baby boomers, caught between wanting to stay young, and the reality of slipping into old age are confused about what is considered
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CHICKENS The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Call
BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
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January 2011 SMILE While working for an organization that
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delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
A HISTORICAL ARTIFACT A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible… He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
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Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
Scientists have long been curious about why What happens to their bodies when they die? The mystery has now been solved.
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January 2011
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It turns out that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family, generally mates for life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life. When a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
Wishing all Health & Ha ppin ess in 20 11
“Freeze a jolly good fellow” “Freeze a jolly good fellow.” Then they kick him in the ice hole.
PLUS AN ARM What has four legs and an arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
FIRE HYDRANT If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
PLUS AN ARM What has four legs and an arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
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8
January 2011 THINGS THAT DOGS KNOW Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. Take naps and always stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
“Wishing the citizens of New Westminster a Happy and prosperous 2011.” Bill Harper, Councillor City of New Westminster
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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THE PICNIC A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
THE AMERICAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
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January 2011 JEFF FOXWORTHY Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians: If someone in a Home Depot store offers
YOUTH FIRE FIGHTER PROGRAM New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services and the City’s Parks, Culture and Recreation department have partnered to offer a unique and exciting opportunity for youth interested in
you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada. If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada. If you’ve had a lengthy telephone
pursuing a career in Firefighting. Running from March 21–25, 2011, the Youth Firefighter Program will provide Grade 11 and 12 students an opportunity to experience a condensed fire academy situation. All youth interested in the Youth Firefighter Program are invited to pick-up an application form at any Parks, Culture and Recreation facility or Glenbrook Firehall #1 or by calling the Youth Services office at 604-515-3775. Applications are due by Friday, February 11, 2011, prior to close of the facility.
REMEMBER — MOVE RIGHT FOR SIRENS & LIGHTS
conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada. If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada. If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of
When the fire department, or any other emergency vehicle, is called to an emergency, it is important that we respond quickly and safely. If you are driving down the road and notice the lights and sirens of an emergency vehicle in your rearview mirror, MOVE TO THE RIGHT AND STOP to allow the emergency vehicle to move easily down the road. Once the emergency vehicle has passed merge safely back into traffic. Every time an emergency vehicle is called on to respond,
snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
the crew is giving their all to help others. Doing your part as a
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume
driver assists us to do our job as quickly and safely as possible.
to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada. If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km. you’re going 95 km and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada. If you find -2 degrees ‘a little chilly’, you may live in Canada.
OLD I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that is the definition of ‘OLD’!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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I’LL DRINK TO THAT A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
HELLO? Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?” Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
MISS FERGUSON Submitted by Jim Nicholas
George is passing by Ned’s shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ned doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. He performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
“What on earth are you doing Ned?” asks George. “Lard tunderin, ye frightened the livin poop out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Ned. “Me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
LOT’S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 12.
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January 2011
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime
HE NEVER MENTIONED YOU Woman of advanced age goes for her annual
prayers, she would bless every family member,
physical examination. She returns home and
every friend, and every animal (current and
tells her husband that the doctor told her she
past). For several weeks, after we had finished
has the body of a 30 year old woman.
the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why
Her husband responds, “And what did he say about your big ass?” She replied quickly, “Your name never came up, dear.”
do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying ‘All Men!’”
KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the
SAY A PRAYER
operating room.
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you In here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to
away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our
worry about. I had that done when I was four.
prayer,” said his mother.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted.
It’s a breeze.”
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.” “Whoa!” the second kid replies. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
What was Columbia Street known as in the 1950s and 1960s? Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
January 2011
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January 2011
GOOD HEALTH FOR 2011!
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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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NIGHT IN SCOTLAND
Friday, January 28 Century House-Moody Park Recreation Centre 620 Eighth St, New Westminster 604-519-1066 Happy Hour: 5:00 pm, Dinner: 6:00 pm Members: $17.50, Non-members: $21.00 Take the High Road, take the Low Road, take any road you like, but make sure you take one so you don’t miss out on the fi rst great dinner party of 2011. Join us as we celebrate the great poet Robbie Burns at a Night in Scotland! From the warm hospitality of Happy Hour, through the Piping in and Address to the Haggis, to the fantastic Scottish Dancing and music courtesy of Johnny Forrest you will be delighted and enchanted. And if that wasn’t enough for you, don’t be forgetting the delicious roast beef dinner with all the trimmings!
HISTORICAL SOCIETY: ANOTHER MISCELLANEOUS LOOK AT OUR HISTORY
Wednesday, January 19, 7:30 pm New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave An evening of images from our local history including the former distillery in Sapperton, Sapperton Landing Park construction, the demolition of Woodward’s Store (6th and 6th), some views of Poplar Island, and the initial SkyTrain run in early 1986.
MYSTERY AUTHOR: DON HAUKA
New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Ave Tuesday, January 25, 7:00 pm New Westminster author will talk about and read from his new book She Demons, in which he brings back his loveable character Mr. Jinnah in a second mystery set in Vancouver. It’s Diwali and Mr. Jinnah is entangled in
a cultic web that threatens his friends, his family and his life. Please pre-register, 604-527-4667.
NEW WESTMINSTER FESTIVAL OF VOLUNTEERS RETURNS TO ROYAL CITY CENTRE
Saturday, January 29, 9:30 am – 3:30 pm Royal City Centre Mall The New Westminster Parks, Culture and Recreation Department is participating in the annual Festival of Volunteers again this year. We are looking for volunteers to help greet the public at our information table.
INSPIRED BY JOY A. KIRKWOOD Thursday, December 16, 2010 to Monday January 10, 2011 Plaskett Gallery (inside Massey Theatre) 735 Eighth Ave 604-517-5900 www.masseytheatre.com Joy’s art work often stems from a poignant encounter with the world around her. Examples of moments captured in this exhibit include the geometry of a palm tree in South Carolina, the beauty of a twist of rope on a ferry and the comic relief of a seagull with a starfish.
ROYAL CITY FARMERS WINTER MARKET
Saturday, January 8, 2011 at 10am to 2pm Holy Trinity Cathedral (514 Carnarvon St) Royal City Farmers Market 778-928-7236 www.rcfm.ca A fun community event for everyone, with about 30 vendors selling local, fresh produce, meats, dairy, baked goods, crafts, and snacks, as well as entertainment for all ages. Free parking available in the Downtown Waterfront Parkade.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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January 2011
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
THE USHER An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row please,” she answered. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.” “Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No.” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly. “Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No.” she said. “Good,” he answered.
All the Best in 2011 ✔ Banners & Posters ✔ Corporate Gifts ✔ Calendars
Is your community group, youth group, sports group or non-profit organization looking for fundraising ideas?
Ask us about our Calendar or Coffee Mug Fundraiser
SHOW AND TELL A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and
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said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish 334 12th Street New Westminster
and this is a Star of David.”
o n e s o u r c e p r o d u c t i o n .c o m Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am
to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”
Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
GOOD SAMARITAN THE BEST WAY TO PRAY A priest, a minister and a guru sat
A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She
discussing the best positions for prayer, while
asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on
a telephone repairman worked nearby.
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding,what
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best
silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
results standing with my hands outstretched
DID NOAH FISH?
to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The
A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny,
most effective prayer position is lying down
do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he
on the floor.”
was on the ark?”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
GOAT FOR DINNER The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
murphy MAZE
little boy replied.
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18
Here’s the “Activities
January 2011 MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his
Guide to Burning
mother what he had learned in Sunday
Calories at Work” and
God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how
the number of calories
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
they consume per hour:
his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
Beating around the bush ����������������� 75
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Jumping to conclusions ���������������� 100
Israelites were saved.”
Climbing the walls ������������������������ 150 Swallowing your pride ���������������������50 Passing the buck ��������������������������25 Throwing your weight around �� 50–300 Dragging your heels ��������������������� 100 Pushing your luck ����������������������� 250 Making mountains out of molehills �� 500 Hitting the nail on the head �������������50 Wading through paperwork ����������� 300 Bending over backwards ����������������� 75
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked. “Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task… but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm.
Jumping on the bandwagon ���������� 200
After much practice, he could barely get
Balancing the books ����������������������25
past the first line. On the day that the kids
Running around in circles ��������������350
were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front
Eating crow ��������������������������������225 Tooting your own horn ��������������������25 Climbing the ladder of success ������ 750
of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
Pulling out the stops ��������������������� 75 Adding fuel to the fire ������������������ 160 Wrapping it up at the day’s end ��������12 Opening a can of worms �����������������50 Putting your foot in your mouth ���� 300 Starting the ball rolling ������������������ 90
UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so
Going over the edge ����������������������25
observant of his messages, “I’m asking the
Picking up the pieces after �����������350
Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
Counting eggs before they hatch ��������6 Calling it quits ��������������������������������2
“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
January 2011
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studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
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January 2011
Announcing the opening of the Vancouver Raw Food School! Empower yourself to create a happier and healthier life through delicious food and nutrition. Cara Roth and Cheryl Gauld are Certified Raw Food Chefs and Coaches who are dedicated to teaching you the why and how of raw food nutrition and preparation. The VRFS brings you the optimal learning experience through our expertise in nutrition, science, pastry, life coaching, yoga, sports nutrition and more.
Email vrfs@shaw.ca www.vancouverawfoodschool.com Call : Cara 778.990.1719 Cheryl 604.942.4407 We are proud to be offering hands on raw food classes, nutrition seminars, seniors workshops, certification classes, retreats and more! Services are offered in Coquitlam and New Westminster. Check our website today to discover the power of raw foods
NUDITY
my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
I was driving with my three young children
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
one warm summer evening when a woman in
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t
“It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
wearing a seat belt!”
DUST IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t
WRINKLES Something other people have… similar to my
you ever seen a little boy before?”
character lines.
BUSTED
COMMITTEE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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Presented by Vancouver Circus School Vancouver Raw Food School
January 14, 2011 • 6:30–10 p.m • Upstairs River Market, Westminster Quay Limited Tickets: $35 To purchase www.vancouverrawfoodschool.com or vrfs@shaw.ca For information contact Cheryl Gauld 604.942.4407 or Cara Roth 778.990.1719
ENTERTAINMENT
APPETIZERS & DESSERTS
Swing to the Beat of the
WINE SAMPLING
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P R O C E E D S
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by Pacific Breeze Winery
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KEYNOTE SPEAKER:
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F O U N D AT I O N
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N E O N ATA L
U N I T
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January 2011 COULD HE BE A CLASSMATE? Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” I was sitting in the waiting room for m y first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his D.D.S. diploma. Which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, darkhaired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret
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crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could he?? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. “Yes. Yes, I did.” He gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, In 1967, Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, what did you teach?”
The Golden Mile
HIGHER POWER A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?” Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
23
Po e t ’s
A CAPITAL IDEA
ver the past decade or so New Westminster has become the poetry hub of the Lower Mainland. Queensborough’s Edna Anderson was appointed as New Westminster’s first Poet Laureate in 1998, and that also made her the first official Poet Laureate in British Columbia and the second official Poet Laureate in Canada. And today, only a dozen years later, our city is ideally positioned to become The Poetry Capital of British Columbia. In 1999 I became Poet Laureate, and held the post for eight oneyear terms — a record in Canada. And that led to public readings of my works at local gatherings including May Day, Remembrance Day, Canada Day and Citizenship Day, which helped to expand local awareness of the art of poetry. My first book Wire Song was officially recognized by Ottawa as a new genre in Canadian literature, as it was the first book in Canada ever catalogued by Ottawa as both poetry and history. Also advancing poetry locally over recent years has been the Poet’s Corner column sponsored by arts advocate Chris Sargent. The Piffle has generously provided a space where many emerging New Westminster poets have had their works published for the first time. Jacqueline Maire, Susan McLeod and Kate Russell are notable examples. In 2007 Edna Anderson became the first Poet Laureate Emerita in Canada and I became the first Poet Laureate Emeritus. These appointments give both of us honorary status in our City for life, and are unique appointments in Canada at the present time — two more reasons for claiming the poetry capital title. Over recent years, several poetry groups have sprung up around town including Poetic Justice
weekly, and (Poetry) Slam Central monthly. And the relocation in 2007 of World Poetry Night Out from Vancouver to New Westminster, where the group has found a venue through the generosity and foresight of the New Westminster Public Library, was another huge step forward for poetry in the Royal City. Ariadne Sawyer and Heidi Meuller have spearheaded World Poetry Night Out, while New Westminster’s reigning Poet Laureate Candice James and her associate Franci Louann have been the driving force behind Poetic Justice. Poets and poetry aficionados travel from North Vancouver, Richmond, Surrey and Maple Ridge to attend and take part in these events. In addition to the Public Library, emerging poetry groups have partnered with the City of New Westminster, Irving House, the Arts Council, the Backroom Theatre Club, the Heritage Grill, our downtown Renaissance Bookstore and others. New Westminster is the home of worldclass poet Alejandro Mujica-Olea who has had two poems featured in Poet’s Corner, and is recently returned from a tour of South America where he received acclaim for his work and helped to promote the image of New Westminster as a poetic place internationally. During the past year hundreds of different poets have read their works around town to a growing audience, and a new umbrella organization ‘Poetry New Westminster’ is being launched. The time has come to claim our rightful place as The Poetry Capital of British Columbia. What a great and fitting image that would be for our Royal City!
Traditions
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
SIMON FRASER
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
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Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Don Benson
604-521-5583
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Fold Line
O
by Don Benson
Don Benson
24
January 2011
A Commuter’s Past by the Hainswor ths
I
n the early days of New Westminster, the journey was as important as the destination. A slower pace of life was reflected in the way people went from point A to point B. However, the Victorians equated movement with progress. The pace steadily increased over the years with more innovations in the technology of transportation. It seems that given our current travel times during rush hour (or really anytime throughout the day now) many of us would like a somewhat shorter and less stressful journey. Traffic is either moving too fast or too slow with progressing technology, and we all have certainly come a long way.
Courtesy NWPL #911 Unlike today’s commuters, where New West is to many just part of traveling to get somewhere else, early New Westminster citizens were forced to con tend with only unlit and uneven roads and trails. When they walked they often did so through mud, or if more fortunate, on wooden sidewalks. Rarely did they relish long walks on unlit pathways at night, and strolling along the streets on a Sunday afternoon was at best something you only did in a well groomed public garden. Columbia Street and other areas were
transected by gullies, canyons, and streams. The city even gained the nicknamed “Stump-ville” when the sappers cut down trees, graded the streets, and built culverts over the obviously treacherous spots. In 1872 an author by the name of, R. Byron Johnson, wrote in the Very Far West Indeed, that “one would certainly think a more appropriate name could not have been adopted.” Sarcastically commenting on “the dignified capital” with its “straggling streets and occasional shanties”, Johnson notes, “as if in mockery of their puny slayers, the blackened stumps of the huge trees stand forth in every direction, from the edge of the water to the unattached domains of the forest in the background, bidding defiance to man’s efforts at destruction.” It wasn’t until much later when the city’s neighbourhoods developed and grew could they afford smoother walkways, and then still later to include treed and flowery boulevards in the ritzier areas. Journeying on foot required preparation for the elements, and watching where your feet fell. Dorothy Bilton, a longtime resident of the city recalled for us her experiences with the uneven boards after wooden sidewalks were laid down. While growing up in the city’s West End and Sapperton during the late 1910s and early 20s, she and her brother Marvin would often play and run on these uneven boarded surfaces. She remembered lots of scraped and painful knees as a result of tripping after feet got caught on a sidewalk board sticking up a bit too high. To travel any real distance at any real speed in the city’s youth meant traveling by horse. The streets of the early city saw a variety of wagons, traps, stagecoaches, as well as single riders on horseback. Liveries and feed stables were successful businesses then, as was the re-shoeing of horses and the repair of damaged axles and wheels. Horse travel was uncomfortable by today’s standards, especially since even the best carriages and coaches had solid wooden wheels and leather shock absorbers. As well, individual travelers and stagecoaches would rarely travel at night, for even with lanterns, visibility was lost in the dark. After all, it wasn’t until 1891 that the city’s
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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first electric lights illuminated the New West night. As a consequence, major roads out from New Westminster, like the trail to Vancouver or the North Road to Port Moody, had coach houses at strategic points with food, lodging, and stables at the back for travelers planning or forced to stay overnight on journeys that today would be but an hour’s drive. The image was taken on the day of September 30, 1913, the opening of Kingsway Avenue on its Burnaby leg. The cars, with excited drivers and passengers, are all waiting for the traffic to move along the road with its official opening declared. The photograph was taken, by C.H. Matthews, who climbed a street pole to get this interesting shot. What
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BEACH CARDIOLOGY by Franci Louann
a thrill it would be then to drive your very own car or to be a passenger, in a 1913 “traffic jam”. With the number of cars on the road in this photo, one would think it very odd to see a 1913 traffic jam. It does however make sense that if you were present at this time, had a car of your own or were lucky enough to get invited as a passenger, you too would make sure you were there so you could say that you were one of the first to drive “Kingsway”. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP Wednesdays 10am – 12pm for January 12th 2010 until June 2011. Fees are only $5 per drop-in including coffee and muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.
FEATURED POETS Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Diane Tucker ........ JAN 9 Sho Wiley ............JAN 16 Eva Waldauf ....... JAN 23 Marc Creamore ... JAN 30
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A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
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26
January 2011
C P T O Q C R O Y A M A V H T
X H V B K Q S T C E C I P A Y
T X A R K T B T Y I J X N A C
N H O M E P S Q Y R Y G B J U
D Y G R B W H S O T N I C M R
H W M I A E Z A V Q D A C W U
J A A G R Z R R E N W Q Q I G
N K M O D W W S C R P L W L O
C O U N C I L K M C R U V L W
K H G Y R R W R O B F G K I X
V S S R E I A T Z D Y L C A Z
E A M P O X E H P E M K T M M
X N R V U J E A Z L W T Q S C
N A H L E O F L S V E D Y H T
H I L U Y Q G L T W M U S U D
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
WORD SEARCH CHAMBERS CIY COTE COUNCIL HALL HARPER MAYOR MCEVOY MCINTOSH OSTERMAN WILLIAMS WRIGHT
January 2011
27
HOW TO GROW HAGGIS Haggis is best grown from cuttings from the parent tuber than from seeds. Make sure that you buy your haggis tuber from Scotland.
LIZA’S
Beware French, or Romanian imitations. Take a sharp knife… my aunt used her tongue, but I wouldn’t recommend that on hygiene grounds… and cut cubes of the haggis tuber 5 cm square. Take an old cup and fill it with sheep dung. Water liberally. After a week dust the bottom (the cutting’s, not yours) with a rooting hormone powder. Buy the best ‘Robbie Burns’ compost and plant the cuttings in the compost. Place them on a radiator so that they get bottom heat. After ten days, your haggis cuttings should sprout little white fingers. Transfer them to your conservatory, if you haven’t got a conservatory, a garage works fine. At the end of the December harvest them, and put them in a dark cupboard for about 3 weeks. On Burns day cut open your Haggis and fill with a lambs stomach, oats, deer liver and a chopped onion. The final secret ingredient is a leg… it’s your leg which I have just pulled!
BURNS “Freedom and whisky go together.”
– Robert Burns
HOROSCOPES January 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ARIES: Dream and wish big this month; they may come true. Friends and gatherings keep you busy during this time; keep conversations “light”.
TAURUS: Is far away travel calling out for you? Are you seeking greater knowledge? Now is the time to go for anything that interests you. GEMINI: Disagreements with legal issues and other people’s resources. Keep calm and avoid arguments. Seek legal counsel if need be. CANCER: Partnerships are on fire this month! Much can be accomplished with others during this time. Try to maintain “balance”. LEO: You are able to get much accomplished on the job front. Your ideas are great, just be sure to listen to other ideas; as bad as they may be. VIRGO: Friends and loved ones keep you busy during this time. Let your playful and fun side shine through. Encounters will be intense. LIBRA: Home is where the heart is. Home improvements may keep you busy but you know what you are doing. Keep things light on the work front. SCORPIO: Communications of all types will prove to be intense. Diplomacy will come in handy. The tempo of your daily life picks up.
RABBIE’S HEART My heart’s in the Highlands,
SAGITTARIUS: Keep the impulse shopping to a slow roar. Money will slip through your fingers with ease. Keep those credit cards at home.
my heart is not here. My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.
CAPRICORN: You’ve got energy to burn this month and are ready to show others just how much. Your aggression may be to much to handle for others.
A-chasing the deer and following the roe,
AQUARUIS: In the mood to be alone? Close the shades, light a candle and get in touch with your “roots”. Dreams may prove to be valuable.
My heart’s in the Highlands wherever I go.
– Robert Burns
PISCES: Friends and associates keep you on your toes this month. It may be a good time to fine that perfect “someone”… energies are cooking.
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28
January 2011
Sargent’s City Scene Eric Davies at the Queens Park Meat Market.
The Oldest Meat Market in New Westminster Photo and story by Gabor Gasztonyi
T
his year Eric Davies of the Queens Park Meat Market is celebrating fifty years of service to customers in the Royal City. Now that’s a record! His first Christmas in the meat shop was in 1961 — the year John F. Kennedy became president, the year Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space and at the local theatres including the Columbia on Columbia Street — the big hit was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Eric and his wife Mary came to Canada from Wales in 1956 — settled in Winnipeg and after making it through the first winter they promptly got on the next train to Vancouver,
hoping to escape the cold and even the dreaded mosquitoes which Eric said would surely come in the early summer. He began working at the meat Department at SuperValu in Vancouver as well as the IGA in White Rock. In 1961 Eric and Mary purchased the Queens Park Meat Market from Bill White. At that time it was known as Carson’s Meat Market, a small shop that first located on the corner of 2nd Street and 4th Avenue fourty years earlier. For history buffs its safe to say that there has been a meat market on that corner for over 90 years! Little has really changed since those early days, least of all Eric’s old world charm
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
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SARGENT’S CITY SCENE
con’t and the characteristic twinkle in his eye as he speaks about the many loyal customers he has served for so long. As a family business Eric buggy through the meat department of a and Mary also became parts of other families in massive supermarket? the neighborhood including mine — attending And Sir Edmund wasn’t the only one, there weddings, Christenings and birthdays on were many others such as Raymond Burr, numerous occasions and sadly as Eric notes — who came in one morning with Mrs. Gifford funerals as well. — wife of the mayor of New Westminster in An avid sailor Eric served for many years those days. “He looked just as he did on TV,” as a commander of the Royal City Power Eric noted, “…a large man with dark hair and Squadron and taught boating courses to the a friendly smile… everyday people as I recall.” many students who remember him well. For On another occasion he got a call from the past thirteen years Eric has also been a Ted Eakins, commanding officer of the Royal member of the Orpheus Westminster Regiment with Male Voice Choir — mostly a special request. An old Welshmen like himself he Eric estimates that army buddy was in town says, “…although we do since he first opened the and he needed a couple allow a few Englishmen to market, he has sold over of filets in a hurry so they 20,000 of his special New join our ranks from time to could have a quiet meal York dressed turkeys just time,” Eric chuckled. together at his home on 1st at Christmas alone. “Many famous and Avenue. That special buddy interesting people have was Roland Michener — come through the shop over Canada’s Governor General. the years, “ Eric says, “…non more famous Next day they came in and thanked Eric for than Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to doing such a fine job. climb Mount Everest in 1953.” Eric estimates that since he first opened the Thirteen years ago Sir Edmund was staying market, he has sold over 20,000 of his special with a friend in Burnaby, Dr. Joan Ford. Joan New York dressed turkeys just at Christmas first met Sir Edmund when she was doing alone. Eric removes the sinews from the birds humanitarian work in Nepal and they had and lets them age and hang in his shop in the become close friends. One afternoon both of traditional manner — something he has done them decided to wander into Eric’s shop and for fifty years. order something special for their evening meal. Just then the phone rang. “It was a real surprise. He was a real “Queens Park Meat Market,” Eric answered. gentleman,” Eric remarked, “very humble and “I think you phoned an order in — yes one unassuming.” 4 lb. roast. Yes we can do that for you, we can What exactly did they order when they cut it into steaks — that will be 5 steaks all came into your shop, I asked. told. It’ll be ready this afternoon. And we’re “New York steaks, as I recall…” Eric said, closed at 3:30pm that day. See you then.” “…cut extra thick.” Eric’s friends are his customers and What a memory. When’s the last time you you can’t get him away from the counter heard that sort of thing as you pushed your any time soon — although the market is
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30
January 2011
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t now owned by Peter Corbeil — an equally talented butcher, Eric loves to come in and give a hand. “I’ll keep going on and off as I have time, its really a lot of fun!” Eric said. Why don’t you drop into this special place and say hello to Eric and Peter and share some of the special history that is alive today in our Royal City.
Grand Wednesdays at the River Market There will be FREE PARKING in west lot by Inn At the Quay Hotel from 10am–2pm. No special instructions, just park and River Market will look after the rest. Donald’s Market will provide 10% off to all seniors that shop from 10am–2pm. Complimentary Tea from Great Wall Tea Company at 10am. Vancouver Raw Food School will be providing programming to include lectures on health and nutrition, free demonstrations and food samples, plus recipes. This program will be featured the first and third Wednesdays of the month commencing on January 5th, 2011. Each program will feature a different topic and enrolment is limited. 10:30am – 12:00pm, upper floor of the Market.
To register for the “Grand Healthy Program Series”, please contact Julie Ramirez, Community Services Manager: The River Market 235–810 Quayside Drive, New Westminster, BC, V3M 6B9 Email: jr@rivermarket.ca Phone: 604-520-3881 x224 Fax: 604-520-6130
Learn to Dance for Fun 16 years of Community Service Swing / Latin / Ballroom Every Wednesday Night 7pm Help Beginners 8pm Intermediate Lesson 9pm–10:30pm Open Dancing $12 Two lessons and dance $3 Dance only (at 9pm) No partner needed. Get off the couch, forget the Gym Just start dancin’ and have some fun. We all need more fun. This will get you in shape. All ages welcome! W.B. U.C. Hall 6050 Sussex (Metrotown) Web: www.DanceForFun.ca Email: danceforfun@telus.net SARGENT’S CITY SCENE end
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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Jackie Wilson Jr.
Piffle publisher Chris Sargent and his wife Flavia, enjoy a photo and a chat with Bobby Brooks Hamilton, son of Motown legend. Jackie Wilson. Hamilton recently preformed at the Red Robinson Theatre where he sang many of his dad’s hits including, Higher and Higher, Lonely Teardrop, and Reet Petite. He captivated the sold out crowd with his striking similarity with his father’s looks, sound, Chris and Flavia Sargent with and moves. Host, Bobby Brooks Hamilton. Photos by Linda C. broadcaster Douglas Miller, commented on Hamilton’s resemblance to his father. “When I first saw him backstage, I Go to his website and see for yourself! thought I was looking at his www.bobbybrookshamilton.com/the_great_jackie_wilson.html double,” said Miller. TIME FOR MARRIAGE
“Sandy,” she breathed, “is it
After thirty years of dating,
not about time we were getting
at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question.
married?” After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed.
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“Yes, Jean, it is.” A hopeful gleam spread over Jean. “Yes, Jean, it is… but who would have us?”
32
January 2011 DAFFYNITIONS Submitted by Jim Nicholas
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and a pain in the behind. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting a date. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: Coffee (n.): The person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Abdicate (v.): To give up all hope of ever
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having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent. Negligent (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavoured mouthwash. Flatulence (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an
COMING EVENTS SATURDAY, JANUARY 22 TRADITIONAL ROBBIE BURNS DINNER SPECIAL
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6 SUPERBOWL SUNDAY! Café now open for lunch Tuesday to Friday
exam. Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. Pokemon (n.): A Rastafarian proctologist.
Q. Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants? A. In case he got a whole in one!
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
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34
January 2011
LOSE WEIGHT‌ KEEP IT OFF!
(AND YES, YOU CAN WRITE IT OFF TOO!)
For information, call NORMA AMES 604-522-1737 GOD AND THE POST OFFICE
no family to turn to, and you are my only
Submitted by Judy Bishop
hope. Can you please help me?
There was a man who worked for the Post
Sincerely, Edna
Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
The postal worker was touched. He showed
One day, a letter came addressed in a
the letter to all the other workers. Each one
shaky handwriting to God with no actual
dug into his or her wallet and came up with a
address. He thought he should open it to
few dollars.
see what it was about.
By the time he made the rounds, he had
The letter read:
collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
Dear God,
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Friday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Piffle is now online! Get it ďŹ rst. Get it fast. Get it free.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those crooks at the post office. Sincerely, Edna
THE COMPLEX Donald: “I always feel that I’m covered in gold paint, doctor.” Psychiatrist: “Oh, that’s just your gilt complex.”
YOUNG SCOT DONALD
FREE CARWASH WITH THIS OFFER!
“Young Donald,” said the angry father from the top of the stairs, “didn’t I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in?” “You did,” admitted Donald. “It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn’t disturb you.” The father muttered, “Why didn’t I think of that one in my courting days!”
THE PRICE OF A BUS RIDE McLeod asked the conductor how much the bus fare into the city was. “Fifteen cents,” said the conductor. McLeod thought this was a bit much so he decided to run behind the bus for a few stops. “How much is it now?” he gasped. “Still fifteen cents,” said the conductor. McLeod ran three further stops behind the bus and was barely able to ask the conductor again what the fare was now. “Twenty cents,” said the conductor. “You’re running in the wrong direction.”
710B 6th Street New Westminster
604.524.9022
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January 2011
THE HOSPITAL VISIT Jim Smith is being shown around a London hospital Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!” Jim turns to the doctor and asks: “Is this mental ward?” “No” the doctor replies, “It’s the Burns unit.”
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: “Fair fa’ your honest sonsie
AH, THE HONESTY OF THE SCOTS
face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!
An armed, hooded, robber burst into
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch,
the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street,
tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace
Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a
as lang’s my arm.”
sack full of cash. On his way out the door
Jim, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: “Some hae meat, and
with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the
canna eat, and some wad eat that want it,
Scotsman without hesitation! He then looked
but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the
around the bank to see if anyone else had
Lord be thankit.”
seen him. One of the tellers looked straight
The third starts rattling off: “Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be
at him and the robber walked over and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2011
37
Did anyone else see my face?” asked the robber.
NEWWEST
ARTISTS
There were a few moments of silence, then
…is a recently-beginning,
NON-PROFIT VISUAL ARTIST GROUP run
one elderly Scottish lady, looking down, tentatively raised her hand and said “I think
by Visual Artists. If you are a Visual Artist from New Westminster (or elsewhere) and would like to join, membership is only $10. Membership includes E-Invites to upcoming NWA exhibitions and events, E-Subscription to New West Artists’ Quarterly, and Voting rights plus much more. If you are a Visual Arts advocate and would like to become a Supporting Member, the above benefits (excluding voting rights) are yours.
my husband might have caught a glimpse!”
THE GIFT Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”
For more information please contact NWA President Andrea Fergusson via andreafergusson@gmail.com or 604.349.2902
BEATING THE BRITS Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland. “Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English.” They moved on. “Here we thrashed the brutal English.” A little further. “On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of
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English redcoats in spite of their treachery.” An English tourist grew understandably irate. “Look,” he said, “surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other?” Sandy glared. “Not on this bus, anyway,” he growled.
THE RING Sandy: “Fiona, here’s your engagement ring.” Fiona: “But this diamond has a flaw in it.” Sandy: “You shouldn’t notice that… we are in love, and love is blind.” Fiona: “Not stone blind.”
city Province Phone email
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January 2011 THE POET The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration. “Yes, he told the young girl. “I’m at present collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.” “Lovely,” said the girl. “I’ll look forward to it.”
LET’S ASK THE WAITRESS… SHE’S NICE Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the
International Village Mall in Tinseltown
other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fastfood restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name
Two hours free parking
of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”
November Massage Therapy Promo Saturday & Sunday Rates
60 min $80 • 45 min $65 • 30 min $45 Add an Infrared Sauna for $20
All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans
To book an appointment call
Long Password During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouie DeweyDonaldGoofyVictoria When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Hollywood Squares These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
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Parks, Culture & Recreation is launching its new streamlined and modern website. The latest features include our new Cultural Services division, event calendar, interactive map, drop-in schedules and quick find. We are excited to provide you with a contemporary website that is easy to use and full of helpful information.
www.newwestpcr.ca Submit your joke at piffle.ca
Make It Happen!
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland