March 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 126
A New Wave. Kayvan Rahmati, Marketing Manager for Waves Coffee displays a bag of their free organic composting products. See City Scene inside.
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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March 2011
Mayor of a City with Charm… Lucky Charms!
Mayor Wayne Wright
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March 2011 PADDY AND THE TRACTOR Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual strip-teasing front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. “What the heck are you doing Mick” says Paddy. “Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist
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suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
THE STRANDED IRISHMAN One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks
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said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?” “Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
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March 2011
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He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway. “Ah, that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!” “And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey,” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years!” Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink “Tis nectar of the gods,” shouted the Irishman. ‘Tis truly fantastic!” At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed with joy and said, “Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
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BLOND JOKE WITH AN IRISH TWIST An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…”YES! YES!”
STICK DEODORANT I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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March 2011 BURIAL AT SEA THE IRISH WAY! Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have
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made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the “boys” remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?” Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. “Dis’ll never do Mick, let’s row some more”. After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?” Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
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“No dis’ll neva do”. The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick
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suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping “Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?” “Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel.”
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JOB INTERVIEW Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”
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The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.” That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t THINK so.”
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March 2011 THE GRAMMAR LESSON In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul
HIGH BROW INSULTS “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” Winston Churchill “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
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Abraham Lincoln “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” Stephen Bishop “He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” Robert Redford “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde
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“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” James Reston (about Richard Nixon) “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” Andrew Lang (1844-1912) “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” Billy Wilder
THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
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March 2011
NOTICE TO OWNERS, OCCUPANTS, AND MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL: CLOTHES DRYER APPLIANCE & VENTING MAINTENANCE A dryer and the attached vent system requires regular cleaning and maintenance, just like your furnace or other fuel burning equipment. Lack of regular cleaning and maintenance of dryers and their attached venting systems, has been identified as causing fires. Although lack of service can result in a fire hazard, improper dryer venting also poses a carbon monoxide risk on gas supplied dryers. The dryer vent system removes in addition
“Working for a better New Westminster.” – Councillor Bill Harper
to moisture, the gas by-products from your appliance to the
DID YOU KNOW?
outdoors.
The first testicle guard was used in cricket
When a dryer/ venting system is
in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.
clogged with lint,
It seems it took 100 years for men to realize
air flow is restricted,
that their brains could also be important.
your dryer then has to work harder which leads to overheating. As the dryer ducts remove lint and moisture from clothes, not all of the lint is captured by the screen or makes it to the outdoors; this builds up on the sides of the vent system and eventually dries to a hard material. This material attracts more lint, where it eventually creates a restriction that leads to overheating, potentially resulting in a fire. It is recommended that dryers and all fuel burning
*POOF!* A 92-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Terry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Terry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it
appliances are maintained or serviced on a minimum
for when I get up in the middle of the night to
of an annual basis, or as per the certified appliance
go to the bathroom, *poof!* the light goes on.
instructions by a qualified licensed gas contractor.
When I’m done, *poof!* the light goes off.”
Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Terry’s daughter, “Robin,” he says, “Terry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m
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March 2011
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in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof!* the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, *poof!* the light goes off?” “OH MY GOD!” Robin exclaims. “He’s peeing in the fridge again!!!!”
I WON’T LIVE LIKE THAT Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Rye. They are SO on my bad list.
REMEMBER WHEN Submitted by Jim Nicholas
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
use to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said “Then you use to bite my neck” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going,” she asked. “To get my teeth.”
THE TRIVIA CONTEST I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point. The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?… Apparently the correct answer is: Africa. I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.
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March 2011
MONEY MATTERS: Get Next Year’s Tax Refund This Year It’s that time of year when we’re all forced to notice how much we are paying in taxes. We’d all love to pay less, of course, but how? Even though your taxes for 2010 may be done, there are two things you can do to reduce your future tax bite and put more money in your hands right now. n PUMP UP YOUR PAYCHEQUE. Payroll deductions are a fact of life — but paying more taxes than necessary isn’t the best strategy. It’s nice to get a tax refund but you’re really only getting your money back — the extra dollars you sent to the federal government as a tax-free loan each pay period. If you expect a refund this year and are confident the same thing will happen next year, you can apply to have your employer reduce the amount of tax deducted from your paycheque. When you were first hired, your employer had you complete a Personal Tax Credits Return form (TD1) that included all the deductions and credits you normally claim in a year. If your circumstances have changed since then, making you eligible for additional deductions (child care expenses or spousal maintenance, for example), your taxable income and your tax bill will be lower now. So reduce the amount withheld from your paycheque each month by filing a T-1213 form. (Available from your local CRA office or from the CRA Website, www.cra-arc.gc.ca.) n PUMP UP YOUR REGISTERED SAVINGS. To get the most out of your RRSP, you need to get the most into it as fast and frequently as possible. That means making your maximum contribution every year and making up for any unused contribution room from previous years. (There’s no time limit on when you can catch up but sooner is better.) The best strategy is to make regular RRSP investments throughout the year instead of contributing a lump sum at the deadline. That way you’ll have more money working harder and longer in your plan, which can add significantly to your retirement nest egg. It can be tough to find money to invest just before the RRSP contribution deadline but it’s much easier to pay yourself first through a Pre-Authorized Contribution (PAC) program that automatically invests an amount you can afford each month. And a PAC can also help you get next year’s tax refund this year because you can apply to further reduce the taxes your employer withholds from your paycheque by the amount of your monthly PAC. And remember: if you do get a refund this year, maximize the benefit by taking your refund and investing it in your Tax Free Savings Account (TFSA) or your child’s RESP and get an additional 20% with the Canada Education Savings Grant. To minimize your taxes and maximize your financial life, talk to your professional advisor. This article is written by Investors Group Financial Services and Bruce McAndless-Davis as a general source of information only. It is not intended as a solicitation to buy or sell specific investments, nor is it intended to provide tax, legal or investment advice. Readers should seek advice on their specific circumstances from a professional advisor. For more information contact: Bruce McAndless-Davis, your local Investors Group Consultant 604-219-9183 bruce.mcandless-davis@investorsgroup.com
THOSE RUSSIANS During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
Holy Trick The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
No FEAR A naked man fears no pickpocket.
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March 2011
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ROYAL CITY FARMERS WINTER MARKET
Saturday, March 12, 2011, 10am to 2pm A fun community event for everyone, with about 30 vendors selling local, fresh produce, meats, dairy, baked goods, crafts, and snacks, as well as entertainment for all ages. Free parking available in the Downtown Waterfront Parkade. Holy Trinity Cathedral, 514 Carnarvon St 778-928-7236, www.rcfm.ca
HYACK/CHAMBER AUCTION
March 12, 6pm, The Hyack Festival Association and the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce are excited to be hosting their 22nd Annual Dinner Auction. The annual theme for this year is “A Starlit Night.” The Inn at the Quay, 900 Quayside Dr
HERITAGE LIFE DRAWING SOCIETY
Sunday, March 13, 7pm to 10pm Dance With Me Studio, 535 Front St, New Westminster Artists of all levels are invited to join in drawing the human figure. No experience is necessary. A fee of $12 is charged to cover the cost of the professional models and studio rental. Bring your own supplies. The group meets every Sunday at Dance With Me Studio, 535 Front St, from 7pm to 10pm. Interested? Send an e-mail to heritageartists@ hotmail.com or call Gillian Wright at 604-524-0638.
THE MYSTERY OF CHIPPER STREAM
Spring Break at the Fraser River Discovery Centre Saturday, March 26, 2011, 1pm to 3pm Someone has polluted Chipper Stream! Can you help solve the mystery? At the Discovery Centre this Spring Break, kids aged 5-9 and their families are invited to
become pollution detectives and help find the guilty party while learning about solutions to reduce pollution Fraser River Discovery Centre located at 788 Quayside Dr 604-521-8401, www.fraserriverdiscovery.org
WORLD THEATRE DAY
From the Page to the Stage, March 27, 2pm New Westminster Public Library City Stage New West artistic director Renee Bucciarelli and co-authors Ken McIntosh and Rod Drown will present a lively discussion on the process of turning their book The New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club into the play Burning Up the Infield, about the short-lived pro-baseball team in New Westminster. Please pre-register. Call the library at 604-527-4667.
THE ARTS AT ONE
Douglas College Chamber Ensembles March 31, 1pm, Douglas College: Laura C. Muir Theatre The popular The Arts at One series is held most Thursdays during the semester, starting at 1pm. This series features professional musicians and outstanding Douglas College music students. All performances are held in the Laura C. Muir Performing Arts Theatre. Admission is free, please call 604-527-5723 for further information.
THE CANADIAN CLUB
The Canadian Club of New Westminster and the Fraser Valley meets on the 4th Tuesday of each month at the Justice Institute, 715 McBride Blvd., New Westminster. Meet and Greet at 6 p.m., Dinner at 7pm and Guest Speaker at 8pm. The cost for this event is $25 per person, which includes a three-course meal, juice and beverages, and the Guest Speaker’s presentation. For further information, please contact Earl at 604.520.3889 or Maureen at 604.524.5891, and visit www.ourcanadian.blogspot.com.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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March 2011
BUSTED FIDO A policeman parked his police van in from of the station, while gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner Tops was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him “Is that a dog you got back there,” he asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzle, the boy looked at him and towards the back of the van. Finally he asked; “What did he do?”
I’M MAKING CHANGES I phoned a friend and go the following recorded message. “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing
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at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl
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up and dye.
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they are born and after they are dead.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 334 12th Street New Westminster
o n e s o u r c e p r o d u c t i o n .c o m
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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March 2011
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HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour “That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.
saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
There was an accident down at the Guinness
WRINKLES: Something other people have,
brewery.” “Oh, God no,” cries Brenda. “Please don’t
similar to my character lines.
tell me.”
THE EARS ARE GOOD
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
dead and gone. I’m sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
Guinness Stout, and drowned.” “Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?” “Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had
times to pee.”
quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing
PEDESTRIANS Paddy was in New York. He was patiently
straight, and folding his arms across his
waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy
chest, “that a few turnings back, your wife
street crossing. The cop stopped the flow
fell out of your car?”
of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
AT THE BREWERY
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians,
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in,” he asks. “I’ve
for the tenth time!” Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
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March 2011
PADDY’S PARKING
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If
THE OBITUARY
you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
every Sunday for the rest of my life and give
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary
up me Irish Whiskey!”
column that he had died. He quickly phoned
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper,” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!” “Yes, I saw it,” replied Finney. “Where are ye
DO YOU WANT TOGO TO HEAVEN
callin’ from?”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
IT’S A MIRACLE An Irish priest is driving down to New York
The man said, “I do, Father.”
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The priest said, “Then stand over there
. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
against the wall.”
priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Just water,” says the priest.
“Then stand over there against the wall,”
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
said the priest.
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole
“Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You
IT’S A GOOD AGE Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
mean to tell me that when you die you don’t
Patient: “I am 60!”
want to go to heaven?”
“See.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS What is the only Province in Canada that recognizes St. Patrick’s Day as a public holiday? Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
March 2011
19
waves coffee house
COFFEE
wav e s t e a l at t e c ol l e c t ion
A Place to Connect
An International Tea Infusion
HOUSE
2 FOr 1
Buy ONE DriNk &
gEt tHE SECOND ONE
Bombay Fog
London Fog COFFEE
HOUSE
A Place to Connect
WWW.WAVESCOFFEE.COM
FrEE Columbia & Begbie St. New Westminster Mon-Sun after 5pm
(Must be of equal or lesser value) Some restrictions may apply. Offer expires Mar. 31/11.
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20
March 2011
PETER JULIAN, MP ARE YOU A PERSON WITH A DISABILITY? DO YOU SUPPORT A RELATIVE WITH A DISABILITY OR INFIRMITY? You or someone you know may be eligible for a DISABILITY TAX CREDIT retroactive for up to ten years. Please join Peter Julian, MP for an informative DISABILITY TAX CREDIT SEMINAR. WHEN: Thursday, March 17 6:30PM-8:30PM WHERE: National Nikkei Museum & Heritage Centre, Intergenerational Room 6688 Southoaks Crescent @ Sperling, Burnaby A representative from Canada Revenue Agency will be in attendance.
LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FRAUD & SCAMS Have you ever received a letter, a telephone call or an email requesting personal information? Has someone called to inform you that you have won a free prize or a vacation in a contest you have never heard of? Please join Peter Julian, MP and The Council of Senior Citizens’ Organizations of British Columbia for an informative presentation which will give you the tools to identify many types of fraud & scams including Telemarketing & Mail Scams, Identification Theft, Cheque Fraud, and Repair & Purchase Scams. WHEN: Friday, March 18 6:30PM-8:30PM WHERE: Century House 620 Eighth Street, New Westminster AND WHEN: Saturday, March 19 1:30PM-3:30PM WHERE: National Nikkei Museum & Heritage Centre, Kaede Room 6688 Southoaks Crescent @ Sperling, Burnaby Copies of the material used in the COSCO presentation will be available to take home.
AND WITH MY BACKGROUND… I’ve often been asked, “What do you old folks do now that you’re retired? Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
ME AND MRS. JONES A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer’s wife says, “Pa, you know our neighbour Mr. Jones?” “Yes Ma, I reckon I do,” replied the sleepy farmer. “Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol’ kiss. Why don’t you ever do that?” The farmer sighed and said, “Well, I reckon I can, but I just don’t know her very well.”
PUNS FOR SMART FOLKS The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out he was an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. No matter how much you push the envelope,
For more information, please call contact:
it’ll still be stationery.
PETER JULIAN, MP
and was cited for littering.
BURNABY-NEW WESTMINSTER 7615 6th Street, Burnaby V3N 3M6
604-775-5707
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. A hole has been found in the nudist camp
Juliap1@parl.gc.ca
wall. The police are looking into it.
W W W.PE TER JUL IAN.CA
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
21
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.” I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.” The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!” Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says ´Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.” Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
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22
March 2011 THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC A gynecologist had grown bored with the work and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
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He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
NEW PROGRAMS START MARCH 7, 2011
CALL URSULA for information
604-520-3900
PRACTICAL NURSING STARTING MARCH 7, 2011 “Winner of Business Excellence Award 2009” New Westminster Campus: 1176-8th Avenue & 12th Street
tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra
Newfoundland and Labrador
50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
SENIOR ONE LINERS I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran. I don’t remember being absent minded.
Kid Songs Do the ‘Alphabet Song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
WHAT’S IT CALLED? What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Chee.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
23
Po e t ’s CANNERY ROW The Fraser River has always been home to one of the largest sockeye salmon runs in the world, and a row of salmon canneries were built at or near New Westminster beginning in the 1870s. Salmon was canned by seasonal workers toiling on a production line of tables, tanks and hand-operated canning machines. The guts and scraps fell back into the
river between the planks. Each summer, until about 1910 when Japanese women replaced them, native women worked on the cannery production line, while native fishermen helped catch the salmon to feed the production line, by casting gill-nets from flat-bottomed boats towed to and from the mouth of the river.
The annual summer journey to New Westminster and the Fraser, the native gatherings at Fraser River camp-sites provided by the canneries, and the fiercely-contested canoe races between native bands was a colourful era that flourished for only about four decades. Typically, those who were there thought the traditions would go on forever.
SALMON SONG by Don Benson Pacific Northwest Indians would come from all around To canneries strung out along the shore, To work for skookum money on the Fraser’s fishing grounds In those teeming summer sockeye runs of yore. For the Haida and the bands up near the Skeena and the Nass, The trip down took from ten to twenty days; They camped along the way to wait for summer storms to pass, And explored the countless islands, coves and bays. The native bands from Washington would make their way by horse, Riding bareback using bridles made of rope; They mostly travelled quietly and let time take its course, And let their ponies walk, or prance, or lope. And then a buck would spread his arms and urge his mount to run — How they thundered down the Semiahmoo Trail! And then they’d slow, and pat their horse, and taste the summer sun; The swiftest horse was simply not for sale.
When fishing on the Fraser, each native man would croon His ‘ salmon song’ when once his drift was set; He knew the homebound salmon would hear his plaintive tune And swim, enchanted, to his waiting net. Seals were a menace — they’d devour a salmon’s throat; White fishermen would club them from the net; But a native man would free a seal, or put it in his boat And take it to his family as a pet. They’d feed it salmon fish-heads; in days they’d have it tame; The seal would soon become a family member; They’d take it out canoeing and assign a fitting name; There’d be tears when they released it in September. It’s been a hundred years since the Fraser knew those tears, Those canneries and fishing camps are gone; But if you listen closely when the sockeye run is here You can hear a distant haunting salmon song.
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
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Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
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March 2011
Veneer to Victory
by the Hainsworths
Dedicated to the Memories of Roberta “Bobbie” Sargent & Katharine Ann Cumbers.
L
ately we have had a handful of individuals separately high-speed military transporters, long-range day & night asking us what we know about the history of New fighters, & fighter-bombers. Westminster’s Pacific Veneer Company (PVC). The PVC had many women working in the Sapperton plant, number of questions that we received inquiring about & one of them was Roberta “Bobbie” Sargent (nee Graham), this has prompted us to re-run an article we wrote in who became the mother of our Piffle’s editor and publisher, 2006. We hope it answers the interesting questions that Chris Sargent. The company produced a veneer-covered you have been asking us, but if not, do contact us again. manual for employees during this wartime effort, and New It’s great to hear from you all at any time. West resident Sid Cumbers’, the husband of Katharine Ann On March 11, 1938, thousands of lives in Austria Cumbers (nee Rumble) who worked at PVC during the were thrown upside down by Adolph Hitler’s Nazi War as well, showed us her manual. Unfortunately, both army that marched across the Austrian border to Sid’s wife and Chris’ mother have since passed on, but we effect the forced annexation. Two young Austrian’s, John G. Prentice and L.L.G. “Poldi” Bentley, who were brothers-in-law, left with their families and settled in Canada. The two families moved to Vancouver & soon after the two men began a business involved in the production of furniture & veneer panelling, at the foot of Braid Street in Sapperton. Plywood has a long history going back as far as the tombs of the Egyptian pharaohs. The Chinese began shaving wood & gluing it together a thousand years ago, and before the 20th century the English, French, & Russians had all done this too. Before WW II, early modern-era plywood was basically a decorative hardwood material, but by the time of this war plywood proved itself to be an essential wartime product from crates, barracks, Photo of Mosquito courtesy of Sid Cumbers. PT boats, to plywood aircrafts. In late 1939, PVC had expanded greatly from 28 employees to almost 1,000 men & women, know of two other New West citizens who worked there as they joined forces in the war effort with de Havilland to during this time that are still with us. They are Evelyn & devote the mill’s production line for the famous “Mosquito” Don Benson, who will show in her new upcoming book, military aircraft used by the RAF. By 1943, PVC was the tentatively titled: A Century in a Small Town (to be out at largest producer of aircraft plywood in the British Empire. the end of this year) a great photo of herself in the gear she Spruce plywood was manufactured at the mill, & went wore there to work. onto the de Havilland production line in the making of The Cumbers’ 1943 PVC handbook, including rules these fast, light, twin-engined aircraft. Originally designed & regulations, has some interesting features. For example, as a light bomber, the “Mosquito” earned its stripes it extols the virtues of plywood versus duralumin metal because of its success & versatility in a variety of roles such by stating that in addition to being lighter with less as: low & high-level day & night bombers, mine layers, drag, that “a bullet passes through it leaving a clean hole pathfinders, long-range photo-reconnaissance aircrafts, no bigger than the projectile itself, whereas duralumin
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25
‘flowers’—splays with jagged edges.” The handbook cautions employees that care should be taken of the veneer & plywood throughout all the stages of production in that they are warned about the “damage if used as a seat,” and are asked to “not use the trays of veneer for lunch tables.” During the war, the plant operated 24 hours per day covered by three shifts. The company grew & prospered in the early 1940’s by also buying other mills along the Fraser River & on Vancouver Island. In 1947 they became known as Canadian Forest Products Ltd., & by 1951 the company’s assets included the Sunshine Coast’s Howe Sound Pulp & Paper
Ltd. In 1955, the company took over 50% of Northern Plywood in Grande Prairie, Alberta, & in 1983 became the public corporation, Canfor. Today it is a major Canadian integrated forest products company headquartered in Vancouver, & is a public company whose common shares are traded on the Toronto & Vancouver Stock Exchanges. The PVC, the “Mosquito”, and its employees made valuable & interesting contributions to our great city’s rich history. By Gavin Hainsworth & Katherine Freund-Hainsworth, CoAuthors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City As It Was” (2005) e-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
JUST ARRIVED, MORE IN STOCK!
WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP
Royal City New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club
Writers Group and Sign up March 2 to June 2011.
by Ken McIntosh and Rod Drown
Fees are only $5 per drop-in including coffee and muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.
FEATURED POETS Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Fran Bourassa ..... MAR 6 Joseph Lavalley .. MAR 13 Fernando Raguero...MAR 20 Ibrahim Honjo ....MAR 27
We proudly support local authors and writers. Ask about Book Buy Back. BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
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26
March 2011
G E S D X G O R C C H N A W S
S U K M M W D E I L Z Z W K H
I S I U R S W A Q K U X Q M A
X W L N G A R S B W W C F C M
Q O Y Q N D H N S H V U K V R
C E D S A E V C K K N D Q Y O
B G D P A M S X X T V K F F C
V M R G I O D S G W C E I Y K
Z A U B P U P A T R I C K G E
C O V R E V O L C I Z S A D G
X K O P Q S P R R N E A Y L A
Z G R E E N K I M E C I N H B
Q Z C M S I S Z C G X N C F B
V R V C Z H V V U V C T Z F A
U M K M T R R X V G L Q G I C
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
WORD SEARCH CABBAGE CHARMS CLOVER COLUM GREEN GUINNESS IRISH LUCKY PADRAIC PATRICK SAINT SHAMROCK
March 2011
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FLYNN ON A DRUNK Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
LIZA’S
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
HOROSCOPES MARCH 2011
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?” Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”
THE DOORBELL A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?” The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”
ARIES: If your not receiving credit for your work, don’t worry, others will realize your potential in the coming months. Then full bragging rights will be yours. In the meantime, keep to yourself as much as possible. TAURUS: Now is the time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. This is not a good time to be a loner. Much can be accomplished within groups. GEMINI: Much can be accomplished on the work front. You have the energy to get projects achieved. Conflicts with authority figures may arise. CANCER: Yearning for greater knowledge? This month you may find yourself delving into subjects that take you to far away places. Try not to get into legal disputes. LEO: If you feel the need to speak your mind, what’s holding you back? Compromise can be obtained in order to avoid controversy. Just don’t let that ego get in the way. VIRGO: A great deal of energy can be put into all types of partnerships during this time. The spirit of one to one relationships brings about proper cooperation. LIBRA: Your day to day life really picks up during this month. Now would be a good time to deal with those health issues and get back to a physical fitness program. SCORPIO: You want to express yourself this month and so you shall! You know what you want and go for it. Interactions may become intense. SAGITTARIUS: Much activity going on in your home. Either renovations or a home business plan may be thought out and accomplished. Home is where the heart is. CAPRICORN: Your ideas and opinions are of great importance this month. Let others know what is on your mind, they will be impressed by your great ideas. AQUARIUS: It may not be the best of time for those impulsive purchases during this time. Leave the credit card at home and enjoy your current belongings. PISCES: Your physical energy is at an all time high and much can be accomplished. Take the necessary time to think things through before jumping in.
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28
March 2011
Sargent’s City Scene A New Wave
Waves… a local place, a place to connect
I
just met Kayvan Rahmati, Marketing Manager of the Waves Coffee Shops at his corporate office inside the Waves store at Columbia and Begbie Street. What a location — inside the historic Westminster Building, in what was at one time a grand lobby entrance with coffered ceilings, presumably the jewel of Columbia Street in its time. Waves has done a beautiful job in renovating this beautiful art deco space — retaining the grand ceilings and the beautiful windows complete with original
by Gabor Gasztonyi
woodwork, adding a fireplace and media center at the back with soft chairs and carpets. It’s really a timeless renovation that will blend in well with the adjacent new civic center and art gallery slated to be built next door as well as the rejuvenated River Market and a lot of the new upscale housing in the area. For New West folks Vancouver’s Yale town doesn’t have the pizzazz that this place will. We’re of the breed that remembers Eaton’s on Columbia Street and some of the great parades in Old Sapperton —
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the days when the Paramount and the Columbia rivalled theatre row on Granville in Vancouver. But things are changing including Waves itself. Kayvan is spearheading a new ecofriendly initiative by giving customers free bags of composting material — derived from their coffee products. These bags of organic compost will be made available to Waves customers in the coming months on a first come first serve basis. This idea goes along with many of Waves environmental policies such as ‘One Harvest’ and ‘Fair Trade.’ “The idea of ‘One Harvest’,” explains Kayvan, means that each and every batch of roasted coffee beans, comes from a single farm. This gives greater economic possibilities for the farmer and also gives us a better, more hands on relationship with our coffee and the people who produce it. That’s the ideal situation.” The idea of ‘Fair Trade’ I might add, also ensures that farmers are paid a fair price for their coffee — something that we are all conscious of these days.” “Oh by the way can I get you a coffee, Kayvan asked?” “Sure, an Americano would be great.” “Well at Waves we call them a ‘Canadiano’.” “Oh really, well that’s neat — one ‘Canadiano’ please.” But I had to ask Kayvan where Waves came from and how they started because to me they seem to have come out of nowhere and now they’re everywhere — growing from a single outlet at the corner of Richards and Hastings Street in Vancouver in 2005, to 23 stores today and more in the offing. Waves was started by Kayvan’s father, Kami Rahamati — and it began with a slogan and a motto… ‘A Place to Connect’ and that has been their guiding principal all along. Kami came up with the name “Waves” and all it symbolizes about West coast life, combined it with some of the best coffee to be had, innovative interior design and exciting
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t locations and created one of the most successful local businesses we have today. But I asked, “What about all the blue mugs and the coffee cups etched in the chairs and all that sort of stuff — who thought of all that?” “Well, those are all my dad’s ideas — he personally designs all the stores himself and takes charge of all the details.” Perhaps I should have a talk with him and get some tips myself! It’s great to see that a company like Waves has grown so quickly here in the Lower Mainland and that it’s truly a local business — one that has a head office right here in downtown Columbia Street, in one of our most historic buildings. n
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30
March 2011
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t CANADIAN CLUB The Canadian Club of New Westminster and the Fraser Valley meets on the 4th Tuesday of each month at the Justice Institute, 715 McBride Blvd., New Westminster (except in March 2011 when it will meet on Tuesday, March 29). Meet and Greet at 6 p.m., Dinner at 7 p.m. and Guest Speaker at 8 p.m. The cost for this event is $25 per person, which includes a three-course meal, juice and beverages, and the Guest Speaker’s presentation. For further information, please contact Earl at 604-520-3889 or Maureen at 604-524-5891, and visit www.ourcanadian.blogspot.com.
ZUMBA Zumba Fitness® is an easy-to-follow, calorie-burning, dance fitness-party! Zumba
classes feature exotic rhythms set to highenergy Latin and international beats. It’s easy to do, effective and totally exhilarating! Feel the music and let loose! For class details contact Claudia at 604-7854587 or by email claudia@houwers.ca. Every Wednesday at 6:00 p.m.–7:00 p.m. (starting February 16), Royal Oak Community Church, 7175 Royal Oak Avenue. It’s the same location as DanceForFun dances near Royal Oak SkyTrain Station. Drop-in price of $10 cash.
FRASER VALLEY TOASTMASTERS Fraser Valley Toastmasters is a brand new club looking for new members wanting to improve communication and leadership skills while building confidence and self-esteem. We meet Monday evenings at 7:00 p.m. at 9369 Mill Street in Chilliwack. For more info contact Bernie 604-392-5862 or email constablebernie@yahoo.ca.
UNIVERSAL BROTHERHOOD SPIRITUALIST CHURCH
T.V. NIGHT My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…
486 E. Columbia St. New West. www.ubsc. ca or 604-588-9624 SUNDAY SERVICES 11 am include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Healing Clinics by donation the first Saturday of every month starting at 11:00 a.m. Tuesday evening programs feature many alternate healing modalities or mediumship
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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demonstrations. Healing 7:00 p.m.–7:25 p.m. (free). Evening program 7:30 p.m. $6 members, $8 non-members. Join us for these exciting events which may change your life. March 1, Ann Siddaway, novice night March 8, Gloria and Martin Brough, Mediumship demonstration March 15, Julia Schoennagel, Bach Flower remedies; March 22, Claudette Godin, Mediumship Demonstration; March 29, Anna Beveridge, Glenda McLeod and Janis Soparlo, Celebration of the Anniversary of Spiritualism with Demonstrations of mediumship.
NWA LAUNCH A SUCCESS New West Artists’ official Launch at the River Market was a huge success. Hundreds of people came from all over the Lower Mainland to view and purchase the local fine art, and almost $4000 of art work was sold by NWA members over the weekend. The Society is also continuing to grow rapidly, from 20 members mid-January, to now over 80 members since the Launch. New West Artists’ next goal is for a physical space downtown New Westminster — encompassing studio spaces for rent, an artistrun gallery, workshops, classes and perhaps a cafe element if possible.
If you are able to donate (financially or inkind) to support the work of New West Artists, or are interested in renting a studio space, then please contact NWA President Andrea Fergusson: president@newwestartists.com or 604.349.2902. More info on NWA and membership at: www.newwestartists.com.
VANCOUVER RAW FOOD SCHOOL CLASSES March 5th, Spring Cleanse Class, 3:00 p.m.–6:00 p.m. Coming Home Cafe March 6th, Guiltless Desserts 3:00 p.m.– 5:30 p.m. Coming Home Cafe March 12th, Raw Food to Go-Packed Lunches 2:00 p.m.–4:30 p.m. Coming Home Cafe March 13th, Sports Nutrition Seminar 3:00 p.m.–5:00 p.m. New Westminster Lawn Bowling Club March 24, Raw Nut Free Classes for Kids Spring Break 3:30 p.m.–6:00 p.m. Coming Home Cafe For more information please visit our website or email vrfs@shaw.ca or call Cara 778990-1719 or Cheryl 604-942-4407. www.vancouverrawfoodschool.com
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32
March 2011 FIGHT WITH THE WIFE Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one… just had another fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah,” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees. “Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?” She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
BIOLOGY A biology teacher wished to demonstrate
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to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. “Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?” An eager student gave his answer. “Well the answer is obvious,” he said “ if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
Complete or Finished? Submitted by Jim Nicholas
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED… But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE… And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED… And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are… COMPLETELY FINISHED! Isn’t the English language marvellous!?
JUST ONE PLEASE A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
33
sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?” “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent,” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”
A NEW PARKING METHOD A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang… right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang… right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear,” she asked.
a r c ' s s O
Simon & Jenny Young of Young’s Café are back to serve you in Sapperton.
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Cedar St
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Major St
Ward St
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E COLUMBIA ST
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very
Snow blower for sale… only used on snowy days.
2. Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby. 3. Nice parachute: never opened… used once. 4. Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300. 5. For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica… no longer needed. Got married last month. Husband knows everything.
COMING THURSDAY MARCH 17 EVENTS St. Patrick’s Day!
Come see our Irish Dancers and enjoy all you can eat Irish Stew with Salad Bar............... $8.50
SATURDAY MARCH 26
WHO CARES The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Reverse Draw followed with Karaoke by Cal Donnelly and again All You Can Eat Buffet............................................. $10.50
Café now open for lunch Tuesday to Friday IT WAS TOUGH When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
ONE OR THE OTHER You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
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March 2011
FREE CARWASH WITH THIS OFFER! MY FAVORITE ANIMAL
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
Submitted Jim Nicholas
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I was sent?
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF… You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children.
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with. Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
Contact Marquie Murphy to Book Your Ad Today! marquiemurphy@piffle.ca
778-887-5239 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
35 Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.
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The primary color of your car is “bondo”. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper
You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair
quality entertainment. You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
underwear.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You’ve been too drunk to fish.
You know of at least six different ways to
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the
bend the bill of a baseball hat. You mow your grass and find three cars.
greatest invention of all time. You look upon a family reunion as a chance
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
to meet ‘Ms. Right’ You had to remove a toothpick for wedding
You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end” Your ‘huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck
pictures
you drive him around in.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo. You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name
You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
on an overpass. Someone asks to see your ID and you show
You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
them your belt buckle. The directions to your house include “turn
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job… primer red and primer gray.
off the paved road”. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit’ this afore I flush it.” You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
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36
March 2011
Piffle is now online! Get it first. Get it fast. Get it free.
WHAT’S UP DOC?
respect for their fallen brother, the other five
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
continue playing standing up. Michael O’Conner looks around and asks,
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?” They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
short one. They tell him to be discreet, be
There was a moment of silence before the
gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
senior lady replied,
“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen
“I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.” Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers,
I WON, I WON!
and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
“Your husband just lost 500, and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead,” says Murphy’s wife.
The dealers stared at each other
“I’ll go tell him,” says Gallagher.
dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.” MORAL OF THE STORY… Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men… are men.
MURPHY’S FIGHT Into a Belfast pub comes Chris Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you,” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Chris.
IRISHMEN’S POKER NIGHT Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing
“That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
37
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have
As he approaches the machine, it starts
defended yourself. Didn’t you have something
screaming and shouting at him. He runs to
in your hand?”
the bar and explains this to the barman. The
“That I did,” said Chris. “Mrs. O’Conners’
barman apologizes and says “The peanuts
breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but
are complimentary, but the cigarette
useless in a fight.”
machine is out of order”!
THE LAST REQUEST
IT GETS WORSE
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady
First you forget names, then you forget
after his Sunday morning service, and she’s
faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
in tears.
It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary
LONG AGO
my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary , that’s terrible.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father.”
GETTING OLD
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
Eventually you will reach a point when you
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down
stop lying about your age and start bragging
that damn gun’.”
about it.
MY SON THE DOCTOR An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”
YOUR OUT OF ORDER A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form name Address city Province Phone Email
Postal
❑ one Year ($20) ❑ two Years ($30) ❑ neW ❑ reneWaL Make payments to “Sargent’s Publishing” Piffle Subscription Manager 4th Floor, 604 Columbia St new Westminster, Bc V3M 1a5
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38
March 2011
Coffee, n.: The person upon whom one
Pokemon, n.: A Rastafarian proctologist. Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that, after
coughs. Flabbergasted, adj.: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever
REAL HEADLINES
having a flat stomach. Esplanade, v.: To attempt an explanation
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
while drunk. Willy-nilly, adj.: Impotent. Negligent, adj.: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Lymph, v.: To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle, n.: Olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence, n.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
steamroller. Balderdash, n.: A rapidly receding hairline. Testicle, n.: A humorous question on an exam. Rectitude, n.: The formal, dignified bearing
IF SOMEONE SAYS THIS, IT’S PROBABLY A LIE The check is in the mail. I’m from your government, and I am here to
adopted by proctologists.
murphy MAZE
help you. You get this one, I’ll pay next time. My wife doesn’t understand me. Trust me, I’ll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce.
ALL ABOARD A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”
WARNINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON ALCOHOL BOTTLES WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
March 2011
39
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a weenie. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
BEARLY CHRISTIAN There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly
International Village Mall in Tinseltown
he saw this big light appear and said, “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn
Two hours free parking
the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
YOUR MONKEY’S GOT HIS BEHIND IN MY BEER
November Massage Therapy Promo Saturday & Sunday Rates
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Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his rump on top of a drunk’s glass. The drunk yells, “Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his behind in my beer?” The organ grinder replies, “No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I’ll pick it up from there.”
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March 2011
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Contact Rocky Della Serra rocky@piffle.ca
604-341-9215 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland