April 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 127
Susan Jacks & Friends… for LIFE On April 17, 2011, well-known Canadian singer/ songwriter Susan Jacks will host and perform in a concert entitled “Susan Jacks & Friends… for LIFE,” at the Red Robinson Theatre. The event is to promote the need for more organ donors. Proceeds will go to The Kidney Foundation of Canada.
See SARGENT’S CITY SCENE inside for details.
More photos of New Westminster’s new fire fighting capabilities inside!
Above photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
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2
April 2011
Mayor Wayne Wright
Catch them while they‛re laughing‌ advertise in Piffle Magazine!
Contact Rocky Della Serra rocky@piffle.ca
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April 2011
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4
April 2011
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
on the new carpet will come forward and
1.
get a piece of paper.
Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
8. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday
2. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer
evening in the church hall. Music will
and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are
follow. 9. At the evening service tonight, the
sick of our church and community.
sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
early and listen to our choir practice. 10. The ladies of the church have cast off
downstairs.
clothing of every kind and they may be
5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to
seen in the church basement Friday. 11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at
become Little Mothers, please see the
the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
minister in his private study.
large double door at the side entrance.
6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
12. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be
Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
hell May 10 and 11. 13. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be
7. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
given to church secretary. 14. 8 new choir robes are currently needed,
carpet. All those wishing to do something
due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS 99
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some older ones. 15. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
Mon to Tues 4pm–8pm
join the choir. 16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. and last but not least… 17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles,
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and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Q. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? A. The Bunny Hop Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A. A Hot Cross bunny. Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies? A. To the hare-after
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
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Widdle Wabbit A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?” She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”
THE PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE Submitted by Laura & Larry Sargent
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was
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captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.” See if you have De Gaulle to tell this on to someone else. I submitted this joke to Piffle you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
THIS MIGHT HELP ME SLEEP A man wrote a letter to the Canada Revenue Agency: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
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6
April 2011 OLD DOGS An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my
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yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’ The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives
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in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3… he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
HUGS & KISSES Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and
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Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
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April 2011
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how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His
Enjoy the Easter
wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was
Season!
crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca • 778-773-0546
www.bettymcintosh.ca
HOW WOULD I KNOW? It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Book Siginings: April 2 & May 7, 11-3PM @ River Market Book Fest April 16 @ Douglas College
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8
April 2011 THREE LITTLE PIGS Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy. “I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy. “I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. “I want a banana split,” said the first piggy. “I want a cheesecake,” said the second piggy.
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“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy. “Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?” You’re gonna LOVE Piffle for this… The third piggy says… “Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!”
HAPPY HOUR A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns. A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL Lobster Tail and Beer. “Lord tunderin’ jaysus,” he says to himself, “me 3 favourite tings!” Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A. Bugs Bunny Q. What do you call a dumb bunny? A. A hare brain.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
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A GOOD MAN One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
IT HAS TO BE THERE A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”
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April 2011
SPRING FIRE SAFETY TIPS
SPRING IS HERE ONCE AGAIN. HERE ARE SOME TIPS THAT WILL HELP ENSURE A FIRE-FREE ENTRANCE TO SUMMER: • Smoke detector batteries should be checked, and replaced if necessary. • Smoke detector units should be cleared of dust. • Fire extinguishers should be checked, and recharged if necessary. • Electric wiring should be checked for damage, and replaced if necessary. • Electrical outlets and extension cords should not be overloaded. • Air Conditioning units and electrical cords should be checked. • Barbeque Gas grills (including gas hoses) and propane tanks should be inspected prior to use. • Windows should be checked to make sure they open and close properly, in case they are needed as exits. • Review your family’s Fire Escape Plan. Make sure you have two exits and an outdoor family meeting place. • Fuels for lawn and garden equipment, etc. should be stored in an approved container only. • Pesticides and chemicals should be stored in an approved container and away from children. • Swimming pool chemicals should be stored according to manufacturer guidelines. • Oil based paints and solvents should be stored in a metal cabinet. • Ensure all combustible items are stored away from the house. • Clear any dead, dry trees or shrubs.
OUTDOOR BURNING
Open burning of yard waste or garbage is a potential fire hazard. It also impacts the air quality in our region. New Westminster Fire Protection Bylaw 6940 prohibits the open air burning of any garden refuse, any and all waste material from construction sites or any land clearing materials.
OUTDOOR FIRE PLACES
A great variety of outdoor fireplaces are for sale at hardware stores and garden centres. Although they are legal to sell, they are illegal to use within the City boundaries. The City’s Bylaw states: “No person shall at any time start, light, ignite or burn, or knowingly permit or cause to be started, lighted, ignited or burn any fire of any kind whatsoever in the open air or in any portable incinerator or other portable appliance or device whatsoever in the open air, except where such fire is contained within a portable appliance or device and is used solely for the cooking and preparation of food and is fueled by propane, natural gas or charcoal.”
Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
“Working for a better New Westminster.” – Councillor Bill Harper
DAD’S HELP Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me? Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right. Sam: Well, at least you could try. THE
YOUNG PROFESSOR A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…” He returns her gaze, “Anything?” “Anything.” His voice softens, “Anything?” “Anything,” she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you… study?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
11
HOLY IN ONE
There, she counted the money… fifty thousand
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday
dollars!
morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the
he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he
Sally said, “No”.
knew from his parish. Setting up on the first
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in
tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s
morning and everyone else was in church!
getting senile.”
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned
The agents turned to Andy and began to
over to the Lord while looking down from the
question him. One said: “Tell us the story
heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to
from the beginning.”
let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
to tell?”
THE MONEY BAG An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.
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12
April 2011
HE JUST NEEDED COUNSELING Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg
IT’S TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN?
at the tennis club. “So, Jim said, “How’s it
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
working out with that shrink I recommended.”
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating
“Great,” Greg said.
virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more
“I mean, when I started, I was the most
years to live.
arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
green earth.” Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants
ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”
throw you peanuts. 5. Your driver’s license says, “Picture
Knock, knock.
Dewey have to listen
Who’s there?
to any more ether
Dewey.
bunny jokes?
Dewey who?
continued on other side.” 6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
COACH MAKES A POINT At one point during a game, the coach
8. You could sell shade. 9. Your blood type is Ragu.
said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
THE TEACHER’S GIFT On the first day of school, the children
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s
“Do you understand that what matters is
son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
whether we win together as a team?”
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave
The little boy nodded yes.
the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike
liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big,
is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?” “No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”
SHOPPING’S DONE “What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?” “She done her shopping, ma’am.” “Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?” “She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
13
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April 2011
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Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm
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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
15
NEW WESTMINSTER PARKINSON’S SUPPORT GROUP
First Tuesday of each month at 1:00 p.m. Century House, 620 – 8th Street, New Westminster. If you are a person with Parkinson’s or a caregiver interested in sharing ideas, coping strategies, information and resources, you are warmly welcomed to this support group. We are looking for a group facilitator so if you have any interest in leading this support group, please let us know. For information please contact: Robbin Jeffereys Parkinson Society British Columbia 1-800-668-3330, 604-662-3240 rjeffereys@parkinson.bc.ca
VOLUNTEER ORIENTATION FOR YOUTH
Information session for youth interested in volunteering with New Westminster Parks, Culture & Recreation Saturday, April 16, 2011, 10 a.m. – Noon New Westminster Youth Centre 620 Eighth Street, New Westminster Fir Room. Registration is free, but pre-registration is requested. Call 604-519-1066. Students will receive two hours volunteer credits for attending. Orientation is mandatory for youth interested in volunteering with New Westminster Parks, Culture & Recreation. Orientation will provide information on volunteering at the Youth Centre @ Moody Park, Queen’s Park Petting Farm, Century House, Queensborough Community Centre as well as at other facilities and general special events. The orientation will coincide with National Volunteer Week (NVW).
LIT FEST NEW WEST LAUNCH EVENT Friday April 15, 2011, 7:00 p.m.
Lecture Theatre #2201, Douglas College, New Westminster Campus CR Avery, spoken word, slam poet, author, musician Dennis Bolen, spoken word poet and author – performing with live music; Gabor Gasztonyi, author, photographer to discuss his new coffee table book “A Room With A View”; Steven Galloway, award winning author of “The Cellist of Sarajevo”.
SATURDAY HIGHLIGHTS OF AUTHOR READINGS AND WORKSHOPS
Saturday April 16, 2011, 9:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Douglas College, New Westminster Campus Morris Bates, author Morris as Elvis: Take a Chance on Life (BC Book Prize nominee) Susin Nielsen, Dear George Clooney, Please Marry My Mom. Steven Galloway, Cellist of Sarajevo Jaimie McEvoy, Author, The Life and Destruction of St Mary’s Hospital Alejandro Olea Mujica, South American author and poet Michael Kenyon, award winning author and poet – 5 books to his credit; Media Panel: “Media Matters” Topics include “online vs print” Panel Members – Kaitlin Fontana, Rolling Stone Magazine Pat Tracy, Royal City Record Tracey Keenan, Newsleader Stephen Thompson, Georgia Straight
WORKSHOPS
EBooks/ How to use this new technology Presenter: Debra Nelson, New West Public Library Collaborative Writing Presenters: Lance Rucker and Tim Perell One on One Author Clinic; an author to emerging author opportunity Bring your manuscript and have it reviewed and discussed with a published author. Authors: Michael Kenyon, Renee Saklikar
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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16
April 2011
Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’ He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, “When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?” She smiled and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.”
DINNING OUT An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
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The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
17
The first man thought and thought and
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
finally said, “What is the name of that flower
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
you give to someone you love? You know… the
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
one that’s red and has thorns.”
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
“Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
LIKE A NEWBORN Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches
SENIORS TEXING CODES
and pains. I know you’re about my age. How
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
do you feel?”
Since more and more Seniors are texting
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
and tweeting there appears to be a need for
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
my pants.”
ATD: At The Doctor’s
HEAR NOW
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
Had serious hearing problems for a number
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
of years. He went to the doctor and the
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
CBM: Covered By Medicare
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
hear 100%.
DWI: Driving While Incompetent
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
FYI: Found Your Insulin
pleased that you can hear again.”
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
my family yet. I just sit around and listen
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
to the conversations. I’ve changed my will
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
three times!”
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out LOL: Living On Lipitor LOL+: Living on Liquor LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On OMMR: On My Massage Recliner ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… and Can’t Get Up SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop TTYL: Talk To You Louder WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
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18
April 2011
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING A mild-mannered man was tired of being
and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a
THE LITTLE FIRE FIGHTER A fire fighter is working on the engine
book on assertiveness, which he read on the
outside the station when he notices a little
way home. He had finished the book by the
boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny
time he reached his house.
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose
The man stormed into the house and
tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing
walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger
a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied
in her face, he said, “From now on, I want
to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over
you to know that I am the man of this
to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire
house, and my word is law! I want you to
truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
“Thanks,” says the little boy. As the fire
when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a
fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to
dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so
the cat’s testicles.
I can relax. And when I’m finished with my
“Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I
bath, guess who’s going to dress me and
don’t want to tell you how to run your fire
comb my hair?”
truck, but if you were to tie that rope around
“The funeral director,” said his wife.
the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little boy says, “You’re probably right,
CARRYING A CHILD
but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied. Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out
HE MUST BE NUTS From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
watching. Here is how she described the
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he
scene to her parents: “There was this big fire,
goes mad.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Who was the first Prime Minister of Canada?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
April 2011
19
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studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
20
April 2011
A Few STORIES OF GRANDMA’S WONDERFUL LIFE
and more rambunctious, her patience grew
She was in the bathroom, putting on her
head and stormed into their room, putting
thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her
makeup, under the watchful eyes of her
them back to bed with stern warnings. As
young granddaughter, as she’d done many
she left the room, she heard the three-year-
times before. After she applied her lipstick
old say with a trembling voice, “Who was
and started to leave, the little one said,
THAT?”
“But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
without thinking about kissing the toilet
stretchers next to each other outside the
paper good-bye…
operating room.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
worry about. I had that done when I was
grandmother changed into old slacks and a
four. They put you to sleep, and when you
droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice
hair. As she heard the children getting more
cream. It’s a breeze.”
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April 2011
21
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” “Whoa!” the second kid replies. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
GONE FISHIN’ A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up North with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve being wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas.” The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?” “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
MORRIS AT 82 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
Cheryl & Cara The Healthiest Gourmet (and Breakfast) Lunch ^ in Town!
Open for breakfast & lunch (Mondays only) We are excited to be open as a Cafe for one day a week! A special thanks to Gee and Michael for hosting us. Stop by Monday’s to enjoy fresh, local, organic vegan and raw cuisine, exceptional desserts, prepared by Certified Pastry Chef Cara Roth, and speciality coffees and beverages. Our menu changes weekly to ensure the freshest and most seasonal ingredients are used in our food. Check on this page for a menu posted weekly or visit the cafe to see what enticing options we have for that week. Contact us for more information or visit our website to see the menu for the week.
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc… get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that… I said you’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”
Cara 778.990.1719 Cheryl 604.942.4407 www.vancouvernaturalgourmets.com info@vancouvernaturalgourmets.com
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22
April 2011 WATCH HOW YOU SIT A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
DIPLOMA & CERTIFICATE PROGRAMS PRACTICAL NURSING HEALTH CARE ASSISTANT (FORMERLY RESIDENT CARE ATTENDANT/HOME SUPPORT)
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“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”
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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to
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604-520-3900
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hypnotize each and every member of the audience.” The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
The first Prime Minister of Canada was Sir John A. Macdonald. He was Prime Minister from 1867–1873 and from 1878–1891. His picture is also on the Canadian $10 bill.
watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Oh pooh!” said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre. Claude was never invited back to entertain.
OLD GUYS WALKING Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
23
Po e t ’s Words,
when strung together like a beautiful rare necklace, are priceless, indestructible and eternal. Poetry is the grand ballroom these words live, breathe and dance in. Poetry waltzes into the heart and creates rhapsodies and symphonies for the soul. Her playground of emotions is peppered with excitement, enchantment, love, harmony, sorrow, heartache, empathy and bereavement. Poetry is the rhythm of the universe painted onto paper with pen, ink and imagination. I have a large list of poets I admire and respect, including Rod McKuen, T.S. Eliot, W.H. Auden, Leonard Cohen, Michael Drayton, Edmund Spenser, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and of course the sonnets of William Shakespeare. A few of my favorite poems are, “The
Ballad Of Reading Gaol”, written by the great Oscar Wilde, “The Hollow Men” by T.S. Eliot, and “Invictus” by Edward Henley. These poets have passed away, but their words live on and always will. As Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster I record civic events through poetry and promote poetry within the City and internationally. I’ve created “Poetic Justice”, a weekly poetry reading event
and Slam Central, a biweekly spoken word poetry event. I am also making myself and the City of New Westminster very visible on the international“ poetry scene” writing prefaces for Asian poetry books, hosting poetry forums in the USA, being interviewed by and published in European magazines. Locally I am doing radio interviews and featured poet readings in the Greater Vancouver area.
The following are some excerpts from my New Westminster poems which can be found on my Poet Laureate website http://saddlestone.shawwebspace.ca Ghosts Of The BC Penitentiary: 1976 was the Pen’s worst riot date / The east wing destroyed in this meeting with fate. / Some of her prisoners drew their final breath / And made their last escape with the angel of death. Hyack FraserFest: The Fraser River comes alive on special days like this / To the gentle brushing of the Paddlewheeler’s kiss. Candice James, Poet Laureate
HOLLOW MAN BURNING by Candice James The hard edged rumor of impending death Foreshadowing the tragedy at hand. The heavy muted sound of bated breath Acrid wishes reign over shadowland. A paper king trades places with a clown; An alcoholic drunkard on the town; A barstool for a throne, smoke for a crown And every drink he takes just takes him down.
He can’t escape. He has nowhere to go; Imprisoned in this nightmare of the dead; A mad fool ruling kingdoms rapt with woe; Encapsulated in a web of dread. Destitute monarch dangling on a wire; Hollow man burning in alcohol’s fire.
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
24
April 2011
A Toast to the Queen of Queensborough by The Hainsworths
V
iewing old photographs of people while doing research, or just simply enJoying personal photographs of people you know from the past, can be dually exciting when deep examination with imagination reveals the visual nuances within. Trying to see what is beyond the surface of the photograph, to experience a bit of how a research subject’s life was affected by the person beside them in the photo, is really fascinating. It can be hard to not get carried away, but by looking
Edna Anderson will always be missed, and always be remembered. Courtesy of Edna and Clarence Anderson photo collection.
plainly and openly at what is right in front of you in an old photograph, stories can come to affect what you know about someone in it on a very personal level. Our photograph this month is of Edna Anderson and her husband Clarence, an image of her from when we personally did not know them. There is something that most historians in this city have done, and that is to have known Edna Anderson in some sort of way. We had the pleasure of getting to know Edna through one of the librarians at the New Westminster Public Library. Before this we had heard of her, had read some of her books, and of course got to know a bit about Edna through photographs that we saw of her. In the historical sense we have not been here very long, but after almost living a decade in this City we now think of ourselves as New Westers, because soon after moving here Edna welcomed us and immediately began writing us into her life. Since her passing on February 23rd of this year, when we gathered with others at her service, we learnt how she made every single person who knew her feel very special. She had a lovely way of sharing how she felt about you every single time you encountered her. She would express herself with a full and rich sense of kindness as she brought you in with generosity to know her past, making you feel she was writing you into her history right then and there. When we moved here we knew so little about Queensborough than we had about any other part of New Westminster. Edna told us her history, setting the visual impressions in our mind’s eye of the area, in stone. We still look there for the images she gave us as if we might be so lucky to catch a glimpse of her special Queensborough. We cannot look anywhere there without the gift of her voice visually guiding us. One thing we are currently taking part in is the organizing of “Lit Fest New West”, the New Westminster Arts Council’s biggest and best literary event of 2011. At this event we have decided that our way of publicly honouring the Queen of Queensborough, is to dedicate the Lit Fest’s opening ceremonies reception to her. We will be doing this on the evening of April 15th at Douglas College. You can check out this festival that will continue on through April 16th at Douglas College on the Arts Council’s website at www.artscouncilnewwest. org, or by calling 604 525-3244. Please contact us if you would like to volunteer or present in the festival in
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
25
some way, or have any questions about attending. Come and celebrate the written word at this free festival that guarantees something for all readers and writers alike. We are so blessed to have known Edna, to have had her teach us, to have shared in her history making, to have had her welcome us to becoming a part of this city, and to have had her as our friend. Edna Anderson will always be missed, and always be remembered through photographs and the written word. ©Gavin Hainsworth & Katherine Freund-Hainsworth, CoAuthors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City As It Was” (2005) e-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
WORKSHOP Gentlecare, Changing the experience of Alzheimer’s Disease in a Positive Way
by Moyra Jones
Wednesdays April 6, 13, 20 & 27, 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. $10 per session. Please visit
www.gentlecare.com for more information.
Retraction: In our December 2010 column, we were mistakenly misquoted when a caption accompanying that month’s image, was taken out of its historical context. The caption read: “The ‘Hikawa aru’ at New Westminster, BC. The largest ship to pass under the Pattullo Bridge.” It should have read: “The postcard described at that time, that the ‘Hikawa Maru’ was the largest ship to pass under the Pattullo Bridge.”
WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP Writers Group and Sign up March 2 to June 2011. Fees are only $5 per drop-in including coffee and muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.
FEATURED POETS Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Ibrahim Honjo APRIL 3
Mary Duffy APRIL 10
Janet Vickers APRIL 17
We proudly support local authors and writers. Ask about Book Buy Back. BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
26
April 2011
STATE OF THE ART
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought
As she finished that drink, a man, to her
a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear.
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind
Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two
is it?”
drops of water.”
“Twelve thirty.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said,
JUST TWO DROPS, PLEASE
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and
with only two drops of water?”
ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny,
The bartender gave her the drink, and she
when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to
said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th
hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole
birthday, and it’s today.”
other issue.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your
THE KIND YOU WANT TO MARRY
birthday, this one’s on me.” As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to
A senior said to his eighty-year old buddy:
her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink,
“So I hear you’re getting married?”
too.” The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet
“Yep!”
of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another
“Do I know her?”
Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Nope!”
D P R B R I A N N A T L U A N
U Y G U S H A D U E H J D B N
M P Q S V B S A N E V I C W F
O V Q Z L E C N N C Z J N G T
N W T J K O E A L A W B B N W
T C Z O Z R G E Y T S Q W L H
E L O E O R F A V E M I H R X
T R V W U C R T O O M Y L H N
B P Y M F O H W O B J O Z A I
K Z E B S H W R R I R S S B L
K W D L A G E T N M D O F T Y
D Y A A V U X R K H R B W Z A
W V J Y N Y O M L Q W B U N K
A Q N K P K Q V N B F L H Z Y
X I T Q U A F Z A G Z U V L Y
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
WORD SEARCH ALISA BRIANNA BROOKE BROWN DANAE DUMONTET KAYLIN MOORE NAULT RYBAUOVA TOO YAROSLAVA
April 2011
27
“This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
LIZA’S
“Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don’t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
HOROSCOPES
“Because she can still drive!”
April 2011
TRAFFIC CAMERA Submitted by Jim Sandes
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You know, you just can’t fix stupid.
STRAWBERRIES Q. What did one strawberry say to the other? A. “If you weren’t so fresh last night, we wouldn’t be in this jam together!”
MY PRAYER Dear God, my prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year. AMEN.
For more information, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: Your physical and mental energy are at an all time high. Use this energy to go for what you want this month. You can accomplish a great deal during this time. TAURUS: It’s best to work alone at this time. Go within yourself to find solutions to problems. Don’t discount dreams and intuitions, they are correct. GEMINI: This is a time to formulate your goals and actively pursue them. Group associations will help you achieve what you want however avoid conflicts within the group. CANCER: Conflicts with bosses and co-workers may arise. Keep your ego in check and you will be able to accomplish much on the work front. LEO: This is the time to expand your mind. Going back to school, foreign travel and new ideas will help you formulate the perfect plan for success. VIRGO: Money and joint financial issues may arise this month. Something will drop from your life in order for the new to come in. LIBRA: Relationships are at the forefront this month. Try doing things together as opposed to asserting your agenda. Good things come with cooperation. SCORPIO: Your working hard and getting things done this month. Just avoid conflict with coworkers and all will be well. Easier said than done. SAGITTARIUS: Expressing yourself is the name of the game this month. You want to play and have fun. Just don’t forget all those chores that need to be done. CAPRICORN: Home life takes center stage during this time. Entertaining with friends at home proves to be very beneficial. Issues with land ownership may come up. AQUARIUS: You identify strongly with your ideas and are able to express them vividly during this time. Any kind of mental work is favored. Be sure to write down your thoughts and ideas. PISCES: Keep those credit cards at home. Now is not a good time to be purchasing all the things you think you want. However, you could use your current possessions to get things done.
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28
April 2011
Sargent’s City Scene Susan Jacks & Friends… for LIFE: A Benefit Concert to Promote Organ Donation
afterwards. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster.
Sunday April 17, 2011, Red Robinson Theatre, Sapperton Landing Park — A Walking 2080 United Blvd, Coquitlam, BC Tour For Its Tenth Anniversary On April 17, 2011, well-known Canadian Sunday, April 17, 2011 singer/songwriter Susan Jacks will host and Walking tour will start at 1:30 p.m. at the perform in a concert corner of Cumberland Street at Columbia entitled “Susan Jacks Street. The tour will form up at this & Friends… for LIFE,” location and then, after some opening to promote the need comments to set the scene of the tour, for more organ donors. the group will head off together to the Proceeds will go to The park. Those coming by car can park on Kidney Foundation of Cumberland. There are a limited number Canada. of parking spots in the park itself. This is Susan received a a wonderful park with marvelous views kidney transplant in in all seasons and a great place to go for February, 2010, and a walk. The park is ten years old in 2011 was fortunate that her and is well used throughout the year. brother Billy (whose There are two stories to learn on a walk name was used for her here: one outlines the creation of the park Singer/songwriter Susan Jacks. itself, as most of the park area was created international hit song 10 years ago; and the other concerns the “Which Way You Going Billy?”) was a perfect match. Susan says she many historical connections related to this park feels blessed that she was able to find a match. space and its surroundings. All tours are held in the City of New She now devotes her spare time and energy to Westminster, are free and there is no need to promoting the need for organ donation and supporting the work of The Kidney Foundation register. The tours last between 1½ and 2 hours of Canada. and go rain or shine. Your tour guides, Archie The Red Robinson Theatre in Coquitlam and Dale Miller, highly regarded, popular has generously donated the venue for the leaders for such walks, are known for always concert, which will kick off National Organ having the historical facts and accounts at hand while keeping the whole event light and and Tissue Donation Awareness Week Ticket entertaining. If you have questions about the prices are $50.00 for reserved seating or $150.00 for the VIP package that includes a tour, difficulty level of its route, or want to champagne reception before the show, preferred confirm that a tour is going ahead in spite of seating and a meet and greet with Susan Jacks weather problems or other factors on the day
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
29
of the tour, call the tour leaders at 604-5266113. You can also email them at information@ senseofhistory.com.
2nd Annual Purple Light Nights™ Campaign
April 19–23, 2011 Communities across British Columbia will observe Prevention of Violence Against Women Week, a time to focus on a crime that Statistics Canada reports 1 out of 4 women in Canada experience every year. The New Westminster Community Action Committee for Women Who Have Experienced Violence believes that everyone can help prevent Violence Against Women by learning more about it, and will promote local awareness and public education through continuing an annual campaign begun last year — the purple light nights campaign in New Westminster. The colour purple is recognized as the international colour symbolic of domestic violence. Mayor Wayne Wright will issue a proclamation to recognize the campaign. As well, City Hall will hang strings of purple lights in support during the week of April 19-23rd. The goal of the initiative is to strongly promote the message that domestic Violence has no place in our Community. Businesses and organizations on 6th Street and residents of New Westminster who have chosen to participate in the campaign will be displaying either a string of purple lights or a purple light bulb along with an informational fact sheet. To participate in Purple Light Nights™, businesses and residents of New Westminster are encouraged to purchase lights as well. Light bulbs sell for $1 each, and string lights are $20 each. Contact Roshni at 604-521-1888 for information on getting the lights. The New Westminster Community Action Committee for Women Who Have Experienced
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Violence has been active since 1993. It consists of 21 local community agencies collaborating together to effectively advocate for the prevention of violence against women and children. For more information about Purple Light Nights, please visit the PLN website at: http:// www.purplelightnights.org.
New Westminster Historical Society
April 20, 2011 A Look At Sir John A. Macdonald: First Prime Minister of Canada. Local author, Terry Julian, has written a wonderful book on the story of Sir John A. Macdonald, first Prime Minister of Canada — a figure powerfully linked to the formation and early development of this country. The book, An Ordinary Miracle: John A. Macdonald, chronicles his life including a visit to the Royal City. This biography, published in 2010, notes “much that is generally unknown in John A. Macdonald’s heroic life is revealed and shows an energetic and visionary person in whom every Canadian should be knowledgeable.” All programs are held on the third Wednesday of each month from 7:30 p.m. to 8:45 p.m. in the auditorium of the New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Avenue, New Westminster. The programs are free, everyone is welcome, and there is no need to register in advance. For more information about this group or a program call 604-526-6113. Individual media announcements are released for each program. Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A. A boy scout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
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30
April 2011
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Totem Model A&T Ford Club Invites you to participate in the 31st Annual Hyack Easter Antique Car Parade
Easter Sunday, April 24, 2011, Noon sharp The parade route will be improved this year to increase the public exposure to residents of seniors housing on 8th Ave and patrons of businesses of 6th Street. The parade route will see the vehicles led by the 1947 New Westminster Police Service antique Nash and the New Westminster Fire Service 1929 Mack Fire Truck. Many cars will be displayed where spectators will be enjoying Easter in the Park activities. The Easter Parade is open to vehicles that qualify for vintage plates (30 years or older, vehicles that display a “Collector or Specialty Plate” and pre 1960 styled street rods. There is a full afternoon of family fun planned in Queen’s Park. Come prepared for a good time and enjoy the “EASTER EGGTIVITIES”. No pre-registration required, great goodie bags and entertainment by a Dixie Land Band. Meet the Hyack Festival Ambassadors! Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church 486 E. Columbia Street, New Westminster.
Sunday Services 10:30 a.m. include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Tuesday Evening Programs feature many alternate healing modalities or mediumship demonstrations. Healing Clinics by donation continue first Saturday every month 11:00 a.m. to noon. Please call 604-588-9624 to reserve your time. Also, watch for mediumship development courses, workshops, and healers’ training classes at www.ubsc.ca. April 5 ~ Ann Siddaway ~ Novice night • April 12 ~ Glenda McLeod and Janis Soparlo ~ Mediumship • April 19 ~ Randall Colbon ~ Crystal Bowl Healing • April 26 ~ Terri Einfeld ~ Open Circle
Vancouver Raw Food School Friday Night Dinner
The first and third Friday of each month at Coming Home Cafe 753 6th Street, New Westminster, BC. Three courses of delicious vegan or raw selections. Reservations are required and the theme changes each Friday — check our website www.vancouvernaturalgourmets.com for menus! $30.00 per person. Reserve your spot now at our first Friday Night Dinner, May 6th. 604-942-4407 or 778-990-1719 (limited seating). Doors open at 6–9 p.m. continued on page 32
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
31
New Fire Truck Provides Top Service High Performance Pierce Aerial Platform Presented To City Council Photos by Gabor Gasztonyi A The City of New Wesminster’s new aerial firefighting platform made by Pierce Manufacturing. The new 100 ft., aerial platform boasts a dual monitor system allowing two water nozzles to be deployed on a single platform. This gives firefighters the ability to send water to both hot and secondary locations at the same time.
A B Fire Department Honor Guard, left to right; Shane Poole, James Stewart, Robert MacDonald, Lee Marshall, Thomas Schneider, Jeff Gill and Dale Rutledge. The bell in front of the honor guard was presented to commemorate the 150th anniversary
B
of the Royal City Fire Department. It was presented to the honor guard and to all members of the Fire Department by the City of New Westminster and the management of the Royal City Fire Department.
C Mayor Wright and Fire Chief Tim Armstrong. D Left to right; Acting Deputy Chief John Hatch, Chief Tim Armstrong, Mayor Wright and Deputy Fire Chief Brent Wisheart.
C
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D
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April 2011
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Sample Menus First course – Choose 1: Heirloom Tomato Salad with raw goats cheese and balsamic basil dressing OR Crispy risotto balls with sauteed chanterelle mushrooms. Second Course – Choose 1: Raw Lasagna OR Vegan Sheperd’s Pie with sweet potato mash and marinated vegetables. Third course – Choose 1: Raw Chocolate torte with raspberry coulis OR Warm Pear and Ginger Crisp with vanilla coconut ice cream. Full service CGA public accounting firm. We offer complete services in English, Mandarin, Taiwanese and Hakka. • Audit, Review, Compilation • Corporate & Personal Taxation • Outsourced Accounting Solutions • Financial Controller Services • Non-Resident Tax Services • Business Advisory & Consulting • Bookkeeping • Accounting & IT Internal Control • Accounting & IT Systems Implementation • Statutory Filing
Suite 429
604 Columbia St, New Westminster t: 604.636.1862 • e: awu@hjwucga.com w: www.hjwucga.com
Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine Open House As part of Naturopathic Medicine Week, we are hosting a free health and wellness event for the New Westminster community. We are opening our doors on Saturday, May 14 and inviting families to Discover Naturopathic Medicine at our annual Open House. The day is themed around the prevention and treatment of chronic disease and will feature free health testing and consultations, educational talks and hands-on demonstrations. For more information, contact Amy Juschka, BA, MJ, Communications Officer Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine 604-777-9981 ext. 227, email ajuschka@binm.org, www.binm.org.
The Wine Factory Has Moved As of the beginning of this month, The Wine Factory will be doing business in New Westminster’s historic downtown. After 16 years in the Royal City’s uptown area, The Wine Factory will be moving to 649 Front Street. Owner and Vintner, Harm Woldring is happy to provide the same top customer service as well as curb side loading for easy parking. For more information, phone 604-540-8907, or visit www.winefactory.ca. City Scene End
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April 2011
33 ALL DAY BREAKFAST • FREE PARKING
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the
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foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
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“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is The Rotary Club of New Westminster
yes.”
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“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Let the sunshine in at Honour House FUNDRAISING EVENT
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
THE CHRISTENING After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him
Thursday, April 28, 2011 at 6 pm La Rustica Restaurant
228 6th Street, New Westminster Plated three-course dinner with choice of entrée With Wine Tasting and Silent Auction
Tickets only $65 (tax and gratuity included)
three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
Tickets available at the New Westminster branches of G & F Financial Group, BCAA, VanCity, the Wine Factory and from members of the Rotary Club of New Westminster All proceeds in support of the Sun Room renovation at Honour House in New Westminster
Please call 604.523.5372 for information
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34
April 2011
FREE CARWASH WITH THIS OFFER! OLD GOAT
While working on the 49th floor, two
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They
While they were in the kitchen preparing the
decided that they should call the police.
meal, the minister asked their son what they
When the police arrived they directed them
were having.
to the closet and showed them the skeleton
“Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat,” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say
fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.” Two days went by and the construction
to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for
workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had
dinner today as any other day.’”
to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who
SKELETON IN THE CLOSET A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.” The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.” “Well, who was it?”
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April 2011
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“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”
IT’S REGULATIONS Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
COMING EVENTS
COME CELEBRATE EASTER AT THE ELKS CLUB! Ham and Turkey draws April 15, 16, 17, 21, 22 plus a special draw for an Easter gift basket!
meeting him. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
THE CATTLE RANCH A New York family bought a ranch out west
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-WLazy_Y.” “But, where are all your cattle?” “None have survived the branding.”
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36
April 2011
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON’T SAY
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
As the day go by, I think of how lucky I am…
When I looked at the tire…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Heard your wife left you,
Would you like to take this knife out of my
How upset you must be.
back?
But don’t fret about it…
You’ll probably need it again.
She moved in with me.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
Looking back over the years
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky &
that we’ve been together,
West Virginia)
I can’t help but wonder…
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Now that we’ve broken up,
Have such an ugly baby?
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
I’ve always wanted to have
We have been friends for a very long time…
someone to hold,
let’s say we stop?
someone to love.
After having met you.
I’m so miserable without you
I’ve changed my mind.
it’s almost like you’re here.
Piffle is now online! Get it first. Get it fast. Get it free.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
37
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Your friends and I wanted to do
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
something special for your birthday.
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
So we’re having you put to sleep.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In
So your daughter’s a hooker,
10 Years
and it spoiled your day.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Look at the bright side,
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
it’s really good pay.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
BIRTHDAY ROULETTE
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play
Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the guy with the advice knew,
IF SOMEONE SAYS THIS, IT’S PROBABLY A LIE
the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor.
The check is in the mail.
He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked.
You get this one, I’ll pay next time.
“No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
My wife doesn’t understand me. I am getting a divorce.
Everyone thinks they are senile.
ALL ABOARD Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?
A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand
A. A boyscout who helps little old ladies
up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk
hop across the street.
in the corner. The preacher says “My son,
Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique
don’t you want to go to heaven when you
rabbit?
die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I
A. You ‘nique up on him.
thought you were taking a load up now.”
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit? A. Tame way, unique up on it. Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A. A receding hareline.
REAL HEADLINES Police Begin Campaign To Run Down
INFRARED SAUNA MASSAGE THERAPY
Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
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All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans
To book an appointment call
604.525.2008
38
April 2011
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
When fish are in schools they sometimes A boiled egg is hard to beat.
take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. Police were called to a day care where a The professor discovered that her theory of
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
earthquakes was on shaky ground. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole The batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They
left side was cut off? He’s all right now. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and
seconds.
a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine-shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
April 2011
39
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
murphy MAZE
YOUR MONKEY’S GOT HIS BEHIND IN MY BEER Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his rump on top of a drunk’s glass. The drunk yells, “Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his behind in my beer?” The organ grinder replies, “No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I’ll pick it up from there.”
BEARLY CHRISTIAN There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said, “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
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April 2011
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