May 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 128
Harm Woldring, The Wine Factory: “We make great wine affordable.” See inside story on page 8. Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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2
May 2011
Festival k c a y H e t a Celebr 1–29, 2011 May 2
Mayor Wayne Wright
Catch them while they‛re laughing…
advertise in Piffle Magazine!
Chris Sargent publisher@piffle.ca 604-525-9027 Rocky Della Serra rocky@piffle.ca
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4
May 2011 ALLIGATOR SHOES After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, “Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!” The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
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“Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?” The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration… “CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
Marine Biology Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible.” “If this doesn’t work, beat the shark with your stump.”
THE FOWL TEST The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
5
point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
INFINITY GETS YOU THERE SAFELY IN STYLE.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
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PLAYING HORSEY A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
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Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your
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pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?” Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.” The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: “What was that for this time?” Wife: “Your horse phoned.”
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6
May 2011
WORKING MOMS
JUST LIKE HUBBY
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a
If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry
scientific experiment to show that sleep is
men like their fathers, it is understandable
not necessary to human life.
why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
YOU WERE RIGHT MUM The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
SWIMMING, THEN AND NOW When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping,’ now I just ‘chunky dunk.’
THE PLANE TRUTH COACH
Submitted by Judy Bishop
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
DANGEROUS FOOD A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford…
“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That
“The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But
years ago. Red meat is full of steroids
who’s the fourth person?”
and dye. Soft drinks corrode your
“Oh, that’s Pontius… the pilot!”
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans fat diets can be
A LIFETIME
disastrous and none of us realizes the
The man charged into the jewelry shop,
long-term harm caused by the germs
slammed his fists angrily on the showcase,
in our drinking water. But, there is one
removed a wristwatch from his pocket and
thing that is the most dangerous of all
shook it under the nose of the owner. “You
and most of us have, or will eat it. Can
said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he
anyone here tell me what food it is that
yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you
causes the most grief and suffering for
looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
years after eating it? ”
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: chrissasrgent@piffle.ca
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
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Rocky Della Serra, Sales Rep Email: rocky@piffle.ca
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Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca
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May 2011
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After several seconds of quiet, a 70-yearold man in the front row raised his hand, and
Book Sigining: May 7, 11-3PM @ River Market
softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
GRACE At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner? The child said, “No ma’am, my moms a good cook!”
FITNESS CLASS I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
NATURAL RESOURCES Crystals in the Kidneys, Sugar in the Blood, Lead in the Ass, Iron in the Arteries… and an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas. I‘m rich.
GOD TELLS ME Submitted by Judy Bishop
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say,” he asked. “Why, God tells me.” “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
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Enjoy May Day and the
Hyack Festival Week! bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 www.bettymcintosh.ca Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
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8
May 2011
Wine Factory Moves to Front Street
Story & photos by Gabor Gasztonyi
New location is convenient, rubs elbows with Hollywood
H
arm Woldring’s Wine Factory store has just relocated to new premises at 649 Front Street in New Westminster moving recently from their previous location on Sixth Street. I pulled up to the new store on Front Street and guess what? There were two loading zones right in front of the shop as well as great street parking. Harm said,” People can pull right up to the store and load their wine and purified water without a lot of hassle and that’s just
one of the advantages of this “You can make wine with great new location.” anything that has sugar I was surprised to hear content.” This sugar beet about purified water because wine was used to make I assumed Harm was only ceremonial spirits and involved with the craft wine had varying levels of sugar industry, but he took me content. to the back and showed In behind the wine me a state of the art water barrels and many racks of purification system. The fermenting wine in the back Wine Factory also sells end of the store you could purified water at good prices see some of the old masonry and of course Harm uses of the building which at this purified water to supply one time in history used the many home wine-makers to be a part of the old city who, with his expertise, jail. You can even see areas create some of the best of the walls, now covered wine available. In fact up, that used to give access this is just one of the to underground tunnels, things that distinguish connecting to other areas of The Wine Factory from Sixth Street. Wine, jail — do other shops — you also they mix? Well who knows? get a little bit of that According to Harm the Old World knowledge — location has been a favourite stemming from Harm’s movie location hosting Family owned winery such programs as “The in Holland which made Supernatural” and other wine from sugar beets. location venues other such I didn’t think you as typewriter stores, mirror Harm shows off his state-of-the-art could make wine from shops and storefronts in water treatment system. beets but Harm said, New York and Chicago.
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My own recollection of this location has always been as an antique shop. I remember walking through the store many times over the years. It has always been a funky location on Front Street and sits beside a metal stairway leading to the nearby Parkade. Harm mentioned that the City was planning to paint the parkade helping to refurbish the area and one of the samples he showed me of a painted green pillar looked quite attractive. Harm has always had a close relationship with New Westminster and being in this new location brings back memories of his mother’s business, The Harm outside the new Wine Factory location at 649 Front Street. Book Bazaar, which was located at one time on Columbia Street next to Gordon School Foundation $7.00 per bottle — all made the Salvation Army. After and a member of the Park with Harm’s purified water Harm’s dad passed away in a Crest Child Care Society. and hands on expertise. I motor vehicle accident, his Both groups are keenly asked Harm what is the mother bought the business involved with helping difference between his shop in the 60’s, and raised five children with dyslexia. He and his competitors and he children. Needless to say is also an active member said, “Our customers say Harm and his family are avid of the Rotary Club of New we make the best wine that readers. Westminster. they have ever had.” Besides running a great The wines available at Just celebrating their business Harm is very the Wine Factory range from 17th year in business, that’s active in the community as as low $3.50 per bottle and about a good a testimonial n chairman of the Kenneth average around $6.00 to as anyone can get!
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10
May 2011 BLESSING Submitted by Judy Bishop
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
911 — YOUR CONNECTION TO POLICE, FIRE AND AMBULANCE
911 is for police, fire or medical emergencies when immediate action is required: someone’s health, safety or property is in jeopardy or a crime is in progress. 911 call-takers cannot provide information on the weather, power outages or municipal services. Please use 911 responsibly — it is not an information line. Don’t call 911 and ask for the “non-emergency” phone number. Those numbers are located on the front cover of your phone book. You can also dial directory assistance (411) and retrieve a number. Please use 911 responsibly — it is not an information line.
“No ma’am,” little Johnny replies. “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
A WORK IN PROGRESS Submitted by Judy Bishop
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her
STAY ON THE LINE
When an E-Comm 911 call-taker answers, they will ask you if you need “police” “fire” or “ambulance.” The call-taker will also confirm which municipality you are calling from. Once you indicate which service you need, your call will be immediately transferred. Stay on the line and follow instructions. Your 911 call taker will stay on the line with you to make sure your call is answered by the agency you need.
KNOW YOUR LOCATION
• Know your location at all times and communicate it when you are asked. • Location is particularly important if you are calling from a cell phone (cell phones provide only general location information) or an internet phone (VoIP) (no location information). • You should know what city you are in, building or home addresses, cross streets, and any other information that will help emergency personnel find you. • Learn your compass directions (north, south, east, west).
BE PREPARED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
The call-takers are experienced “question askers” and their persistence is based on a need to provide accurate and specific information to the attending emergency responders.
LISTEN CAREFULLY, SPEAK CLEARLY AND TRY TO REMAIN CALM
eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
Please understand that while call-takers are asking you questions, they are relaying vital information electronically to the dispatchers and emergency personnel on their way to help you.
I ALMOST HAD HIM CURED
IF YOU CALL 911 ACCIDENTALLY
As they conversed over a drink, one asked,
• If you dial 911 accidentally, stay on the line and tell us. If you hang up we don’t know if you are okay and will have to call back or send police to check on you. • Don’t program 911 into your telephone — speed dials can lead to accidental 911 calls. • Keep your cell phone in a safe position when not in use, to prevent accidental calls. • Please do not test 911 to see if it’s working.
FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT, ECOMM911.CA Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. “What was your most difficult case?” The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”
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May 2011
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“What was the result?”
to reduce stress. I don’t drink and drive. I
“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for
quit smoking. I don’t do drugs. I try not to
eight years, but I finally cured him. And then
disparage others. I don’t have crazy, reckless
that stupid letter arrived!”
sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be
SPECIAL DELIVERY
really, really pissed.
A woman is taking a bath when she hears a knock at the door. She gets out and goes to the front door.
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-
“Who is it,” the woman asks.
in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
“It is the blind man,” he answers.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When
The woman thinks to get dressed but
she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still
doesn’t bother, saying to herself, “Well, he’s
haven’t used the gift I bought you last
blind anyway.”
year!”
She opens the door and the man takes a
And that’s how the fight started…
good look at her and says, “Very nice! Now where would you like the blinds?”
MOTIVATION “How long have you been working here” one
CELIBACY
employee asked another.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Course Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?” I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, “Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn’t it?” And thus began my life of celibacy…
IT BETTER NOT HAPPEN I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardiac stress Tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I’ve seen a psychologist once, and she thought I was A-OK. I have a dog and a variety of hobbies
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.
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12
May 2011
WHAT MUM TAUGHT ME
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado
Submitted by Bella
1.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
went through it.” 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!” 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
parents like you do.” 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.” 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!” 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.” 19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?” 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!” 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.” 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?” 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
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May 2011
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Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm
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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
15
QUEEN’S PARK RESIDENT’S 16TH ANNUAL GARAGE SALE
Saturday, May 7, 2011, 9:00 a.m. to 4 p.m. A New Westminster fund-raiser in support of Canuck Place. This is a HUGE neighborhood effort seeing residents of historic Queen’s Park holding the garage sale on the Saturday, May 7th, of Mother’s Day weekend, as they have for the past 15 years. Residents and families of New Westminster and surrounding communities come out garage “sale-ing” while walking through the beautiful heritage home neighborhood and sunshine (it has NEVER rained in the previous years of the sale!), checking the bargains, enjoying lemon aide & popcorn stands, entertainment and much more, all in support of Canuck Place! For more information, phone Bev Ichiiwa or Deb Wardle at 604-5262888 or email info@teamdavevallee.com.
ANTIQUE TREASURE HUNTING
Another exciting part of the Hyack Festival Victoria Day weekend activities in Queens Park is the annual Hyack Antique Fair. This year marks the 28th Anniversary of this popular event, which will take place at Queens Park Arenex on May 23rd & 24th. Twenty dealers from around the Province will be displaying their unique antiques and collectables for your perusing pleasure. Take time out from the hustle and bustle and enjoy a leisurely browse through a fascinating range of furniture, glassware, china, books, jewellery, commemoratives and other nostalgic items. These Antiques may be viewed and purchased on Sunday May 23rd and Monday May 24th from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. both days.
The participating dealers are carefully selected and screened by Maynard Cook from Westminster Antiques. You can even stop and relax in the “Garden Lounge” for food and refreshments. General admission is $2.00, while accompanied children (under the age of 16) are free.
SECOND ANNUAL SHRED-A-THON
Date: Saturday, May 7, 2011 Time: 10:00 am until 3:00 p.m. Location: Canada Games Pool parking lot Bring in your documents for shredding in exchange for a donation to the New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Society. There will be a BBQ, live bands, free Tim Hortons food, informative stalls and free popcorn to name a few. Last year, we successfully raised over $3,000, all of which has gone to support those in need within the city of New Westminster
40TH HYACK FESTIVAL OPENS WITH FIREWORKS
The 40th Annual Hyack Festival Association’s “Hyack Week of Festivals” is set to get the party started, with an action packed series of events beginning with the Grand Opening on Saturday, May 22nd. To kick it all off, spend a day by the Fraser River at Downtown New Westminster’s 8th Annual Multicultural Festival — a fun-filled day on the boardwalk with live entertainment and vendors from around the world, culminating in the dignitary laden Hyack Festival Week opening ceremonies, complete with dazzling fireworks over the Fraser River beginning at 9:45 p.m. FREE parking on the Parkade will be available from 6:00 p.m. to midnight. Date: Sunday, May 22, 2011 Time: 12:00 p.m.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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16
May 2011
TWINS A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
COMING EVENTS
MAY 8, 2011 MOTHERS DAY BUFFET $1395 Carnations for all the ladies plus Basket Draw! MAY 21 Reverse Draw, Music & Entertainment!
Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
THE FITNESS CLUB A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising… I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent,
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
INFRARED SAUNA MASSAGE THERAPY All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans
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I’M LOST OFFICER A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… and couldn’t find his way home. “Oy Morris“, said grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
17
you get lost? “Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
whispered, “I wasn’t lost… I was just too
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
tired to walk home.”
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s
YOU’RE GETTING A TICKET A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between
license. He says “Lady, it says here that you
the supermarket aisles so that children in
should be wearing glasses.”
shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.” The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
A MOM’S DICTIONARY
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too.
turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Defense: What you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Verbal: Able to whine in words. Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
murphy MAZE
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
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18
May 2011
THE SPUD FAMILY
“I’m marrying an Idaho” beamed the middle
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner… Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato,” she said. “I have an announcement to make.” “And what might that be,” said Mother,
daughter. “An Idaho,” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest
“Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an
daughter’s eyes.
announcement to make.”
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
“Yes,” asked Mother Potato with great anticipation.
The other daughters squealed with surprise
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter
as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s
with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister
wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest
before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a
daughter?”
shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“Really” quizzed Mother Potato with sincere
“A Russet” replied Mother Potato with pride.
excitement. “All of my lovely daughters
“Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater
married! What wonderful news! And who, pray
indeed!”
tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.”
“I’m marrying Peter Jennings!” “Peter Jennings?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
“And what might that be,” encouraged
MOM AT THE POOL
Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I,
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. “Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him,
too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy.
“that from time to time, young children will
“That’s wonderful! Twice the good news
urinate in a pool.”
in one evening! And who are you marrying,
“Oh really,” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?”
Middle Daughter?”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS When was the first May Day in New Westminster and who was the first May Queen?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 11
May 2011
19
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20
May 2011
LETTER FROM REDNECK MOM
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it
Dear Son,
said if we didn’t make the final payment on
I’m writing this slow ‘cause I know you can’t
Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.
read fast. We don’t live where we did when
About your sister, she had a baby this
you left. Your dad read in the paper that most
morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a
accidents happen within twenty miles of home,
boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt
so we moved.
or Uncle.
Won’t be able to send you the address as
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.
the last Arkansas family that lived here took
Some men tried to get him out, but he
the numbers with ‘em for their house, so they
fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We
wouldn’t have to change their address.
cremated him, and he burned for three days.
This place has a washing machine. The first
Three of your friends went off the bridge in
day I put four shirts in it, push down the lever
a pickup. One was driving and the other two
and haven’t seen ‘em since.
were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you,
down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing
to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,
much happened. If you don’t get this letter,
so we cut them off and put them in the
please let me know and I will send another
pockets.
one.
Multi-Cultural Festival May 21
Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy
Celebrating Our Cultural Diversity! Councillor Bill Harper 778-227-4869 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
21
Love, Mom
year, I think your husband will regain his health
P.S. I was going to send you some money,
completely.”
but the envelope was already sealed.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
VISIT TO THE DOCTOR
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the
GOOD LUCK TURNED AROUND
doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
A policeman pulled a car over and told the
into his office alone. He said, “Your husband
driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the
is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
seat-belt competition. “What are you going
If you don’t do the following, your husband will
to do with the money,” asked the policeman.
surely die.”
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a drivers
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make
license”, he answered. “Oh, don’t listen to him,” said a woman in
him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
the passenger seat, “He’s a smart aleck when
especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him
he’s drunk.”
with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love
Then the guy in the backseat said, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.” At that moment there was a knock from
with your husband several times a week. If
the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the
you can do this for the next 10 months to a
border yet?”
KARAOKE
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CAL DONNELLY
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FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS
22
May 2011 REDNECK MATH A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I
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have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two?” The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “Four?”
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“Four?!?” the coach exclaimed excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”
GREAT QUOTATIONS “Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister… and now wish to withdraw that statement.” Mark Twain “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” Mark Twain “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” Spike Milligan “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” Zsa Zsa Gabor “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money!” Henny Youngman
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
23
Po e t ’s
Remembering J.J. Johnston
John Joseph “J.J.” Johnston was born on Agnes Street early in 1870. He was present as a babe-in-arms that spring at our very first May Day, and amazingly, was present at every one of our first ninety-five May Days! As a boy, to earn money he delivered the Columbian newspaper Downtown and herded cows on Third Street. As a businessman, he witnessed the Great Fire of 1898. As an insurance agent with offices in the Trust Block, he was part of the Columbia Street scene for half a century.
Mister May Day
He was mayor for three years, alderman for fourteen years and was named Citizen of the Year twice. J.J. Johnston was Chairman of the May Day Committee and Master of Ceremonies at May Day for nearly fifty consecutive years. He always introduced the May Queen suite, and then led the crowd in “Three cheers for Her Majesty, and one for the tiger!” An avid sports fan, in 1948 he was given a lifetime pass to all Royal City sporting
events. In 1953, he was given the key to open the new City Hall on Royal Avenue, and became the first to enter. In 1955 he became the second citizen ever to be named Freeman of the City. He died in 1966 — on May Day. The following year, when a drinking fountain was dedicated in his name, it was erected half way between the roar of the sports crowd at Queen’s Park Arena, and the children-sounds that echo from Queen’s Park Stadium each May Day.
by Don Benson
There’s a weathered drinking fountain in the heart of old Queen’s Park Just across from May Day’s music, laughter, cheers; And if you stand there quietly, and listen just at dark, The sounds of May Day echo down the years. When the first May Day was held at the local cricket grounds, John Joseph Johnston entered fame and lore; A babe-in-arms, no one could know, that he would be around To celebrate another ninety-four! He grew up down on Agnes Street in horse and buggy days Wearing buckled knickerbockers pants; He’d round up cows on Third Street, and save his pay ’til May, For he lived for May Day’s pomp and maypole dance. He’d say, “Just call me Jack,” and “That’s Johnston with a ‘T’”; But instead of “Jack”, most fondly called him “J.J.”; Then as the years rolled by, the townsfolk came to see That what fit him to a ‘T’ was “Mister May Day.” For nearly half a century he chaired the May Committee, And always introduced the May Queen’s suite; In 1955 we made him Freeman of the City, And assigned a parking place on Clarkson Street.
A J.J. claim to fame was the silk top-hat and cane He’d sport at Tipperary May Day morn; And if Lewie Sangster’s bees confirmed it wouldn’t rain, A Hyack BOOM announced May Day was born. In the days that I remember, Gowan McGowan taught ‘the Lancers’ How J.J’s swallow-tails would bounce and sway! His dapper coat would set J.J. apart from other dancers — Like an actor in a Charles Dickens’ play. May Day was his mantle; a top hat was his crown; Like a poet, he could sense our City’s soul; He used to say with reverence, “Our royal river town Was built by folks who danced around a pole!” When his final May Day dawned, confined to bed, but bright, He heard the Hyack BOOM roll out, and sighed; When the May Day Ball was over, they turned out Arena lights; An hour later J.J. Johnston died. There’s a weathered drinking fountain in the heart of old Queen’s Park, Just across from May Day’s music, laughter, cheers; And if you stand there quietly, and listen, just at dark, The sounds of May Day echo down the years.
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
24
May 2011
On The Street Where We Live
Part 4
by The Hainsworths
E
very year, we engage in house detective work as part of our research & writing, doing illustrations for the New Westminster Heritage Preservation Society (NWHPS) annual Heritage Homes Tour. Each year since 1979, the NWHPS Heritage Homes Tour & Tea organizes twelve or more local homes & buildings to open their doors to the public. Our image its month by Katherine is one prepared for this year’s tour on Sunday, May 29th, and is the Shiloh-Sixth Avenue United Church (formerly the West End Methodist). Located near the commercial intersection of Twelfth Street and Sixth Avenue, the church has been a neighbourhood landmark for 100 years. The cornerstone for the current building was laid on July 4, 1911, and was formally opened for services on Sunday, January 28th, 1912. The church is appearing on the tour as part of its centennial year of celebration. However, the Sixth Avenue United Church had celebrated its 100th anniversary of service in 1990, calculating from Sunday, November 9, 1890, its first service in its own dedicated church building. This had been at the corner of Nanaimo and Twelfth Street, in a building that would become the first West End School (now the site of the SPCA Thrift Store). In 1903, the church sold the first building and acquired its second church formerly located right at the corner of Sixth Avenue and Twelfth Street, the Presbyterian Church (circa 1893). This is now the Mandeville Block, the first high rise in the West End. The sale of this property financed the acquisition of the current property to build a much bigger church to meet the needs of a growing congregation. Originally estimated to cost $10,000, the church’s final cost was just over $30,000. However, the result was one of rare beauty and refinement, class and modern simultaneously. It is British Arts and Crafts inspired Edwardian-style, a skillful blend of cement blocks, and wood-framed construction (native fir, ash and oak). It is also a significant surviving design by one of BC’s most prominent architects, Thomas Hooper. Thomas Hooper was born in Hatherleigh, Devon, England on March 2, 1857 — the sixth of eleven children. Two of his uncles were also architects, and his family had been stone masons for many generations. His family moved to Canada in 1871, settling in London, Ontario. Here
Thomas apprenticed as a carpenter and joiner, moved to Manitoba eventually working as a contractor, and then architectural work alongside his brother Samuel (the first Provincial Architect of Manitoba). Hooper arrived in Vancouver in July, 1886 beginning one of the province’s longest running, and prolific architectural careers. Katherine is his only descendant living in New West.
Illustration by K. Freund-Hainsworth. His largest early commission was the Homer Street Methodist Church (1888-89). His personal attention to details, especially the acoustical qualities of wood interiors, caught the attention of Ebenezer Robson (pioneer missionary and brother of John Robson), and lead to several significant Methodist commissions. Thomas was even sent back east by the church elders to study new trends in church architecture. He designed Nanaimo’s Wallace Street Methodist, as well as the Metropolitan Methodist in Victoria (now the Victoria Conservatory of Music), known for its superior acoustics. The Sixth Avenue Methodist Church is Thomas Hooper at the height of his professional excellence, designed and built concurrently with his magnificent Hycroft and Greencroft manors in Shaughnessy (19091912). It seems likely that the church elders supported the desire of Thomas Hooper to make the new Methodist Church in New West his finest. The British Columbian (January 23, 1912) in an article entitled “Church is a Credit” states that:
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
25
“Architecturally, the structure is a credit to the west end, and in the matter of interior arrangement, finishing, and decoration, it has few superiors in this city and in Vancouver. The wainscoting is of native fir, the pews are ash with ends of oak in imitation of a gothic panel, and the pulpit is also of oak. A special feature of the decorative scheme is the stained glass windows, which are remarkably fine. That representing an open Bible is the gift of the Sunday school, while the Ladies Aid donated one having a design of lilies. The front window represents a cross encircled by lillies and a crown. Mr. Thomas Hooper, the architect, has made a special study of church and hall buildings, and it is stated that the acoustics of the church are perfect.”
POETRY BOOK SIGNING 2:30 p.m. on Sunday, May 15th
Colours of My Heart by Surjeet
NEW AUTHOR A new Local Author book release sold here at Renaissance Books
Skeena
by Fauzia Rafique
However, the Church building’s exterior perfection has been arguably altered by addition of the hall in 1953 with the tradition of active social communitarianism trumping built heritage. More recent Heritage Designation (1990), and the restoration and sympathetic painting of the exterior in 2003 have again renewed the original character of the building’s era. Come explore the inside of this heritage gem, and experience Hooper’s acoustics, on May 29th. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth and Gavin Hainsworth, CoAuthors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca
WRITERS GROUP AND SIGN UP Writers Group and Sign up May to June 2011. Fees are only $5 per drop-in including coffee and muffin. The facilitator is Valerie B. Taylor, President of the New West Writers Society.
FEATURED POETS
Sundays from 4pm – 6pm (except long weekends)
Zac Jackson Nyce, Reese McBeth ..... MAY 15 Closed Victoria Day ... MAY 22 Mary Duffy, Franci Louann ....... MAY 29
We proudly support local authors and writers. Ask about Book Buy Back. BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
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26
May 2011
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
Your Clothes
People say that there is no difference
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity
between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
I say there is… marry the right person, and
your pregnancy.
you’re ‘complete’.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’.
as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your
PASS THE COLLECTION PLATE
regular clothes. The Baby’s Name
Submitted by Judy Bishop
A little girl became restless as the
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books
preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
and practice pronouncing and writing
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and
combinations of all your favorites.
whispered,
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid
“Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close
CHANGING PARENTHOOD
your eyes, and see where your finger falls.
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But
Bimaldo? Perfect!
parenthood also changes with each baby.
Preparing for the Birth
Here, some of the ways having a second and
1st baby: You practice your breathing
third child differs from having your first:
E R U S A E R T J T B T L A N
G U C O D P R I A F P A V N M
Y O W A W B O L A O R Z M T Y
B O R Y O V X B S U L M U I C
U A M A W A A J T W I O N Q H
P I T L V H W L J Q P E A U A
C T N T Q S U S L K M N N E K
L F P M E C Q K Q B M T G D B
K A A U I R P R O Y I T R A D
L Y V T W R Y O I N L I K Y U
religiously.
D I L I B G N W G T T J X K I
K U V Y T P D E N Z W P K C Q
M C E N C S C R Q S C Y E A P
V N O D A Z E I V C M V O Y D
F A M I L Y U F O L K Y B H N
WORD SEARCH ANTIQUE ANVIL BATTERY DAY FAIR FAMILY FESTIVAL FIREWORKS HUNTING HYACK MAY MULTICULTURAL PARADE TREASURE
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
27
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
LIZA’S
The Layette 1st baby: You prewash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress… a whimper, a frown… you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
HOROSCOPES May 2011
For more information, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: Your financial situation is not a sign of your personal wealth. Others adore you due to your personal integrity and energy. Remember that this month. TAURUS: Show the world what you are capable of this month. Your personality and energy will have a huge effect on others. Just avoid arguments. GEMINI: Past behavior patterns may be catching up with you during this time. Avoid self assertion and look within for answers. Your dreams are powerful all month. CANCER: This is a time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. This is not a good time to be a loner. Get out there and mix with others. LEO: You have great ambition to achieve so work hard and the results will come quickly. Co-workers may feel threatened by your need to get ahead. Keep the peace. VIRGO: Share your beliefs and ideas with others during this time. Expansion of the mind will be done either through study or foreign travel. Avoid legal disputes. LIBRA: If struggles with partners arise, use your charm to smooth things out. All grievances should be brought out into the open; in a peaceful manner. SCORPIO: Your ego may either create confusion or a powerful transformation. Issues concerning shared resources come into play. Something fades away in order for something new to come about. SAGITTARIUS: Throw all your energies into working hard and getting things done. Being a team player may not be in your best interest. Watch for health issues. CAPRICORN: Your in a playful and sporty mood. During this time you know what you want and will go after it with gusto. Enjoy group activity. AQUARIUS: Shirk off that irritability and throw yourself into home improvement. Authority figures may get on your nerves during this time. Keep a low profile. PISCES: Your everyday life will pick up and energies will be high. Disputes with neighbors/relatives may arise; maybe over possessions. Don’t force your belief system onto others.
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28
May 2011
Sargent’s City Scene Uptown Street Fair A Street comes alive with music, dancing, arts and crafts and more! Where? At the Uptown Street Fair sponsored by Royal City Centre as part of the Hyack Festival. On Saturday May 28th, 6th Street and 6th Avenue comes alive when the Uptown Street Fair takes over. Uptown New Westminster will be transformed into a Live Entertainment stage and Activity area for you to enjoy both before and after the Hyack International Parade. The streets are lined with arts and crafts tables featuring the treasures of local artisans, kids’ activities, and lots of food. Come see the amazing performances and dance the day away with our live entertainment. Plus, dance the day away with the amazing blues and rock n’ roll group, the Mojo Stars! Open from 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., there will be fun for everyone from grand kids to grandparents!
The Fraser River — Images And Stories Of Yesterday Come to the Fraser River Discovery Centre on Thursday, May 12 from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., and enjoy a lively talk by local historian and expert storyteller, Archie Miller of A Sense of History Research Services. Blind Date “How was your blind date ?“ “ Terrible! He showed up in a 1935 Rolls Royce.” “What’s so terrible about that?“ “He was the original owner!“
It has been said many times that Archie Miller brings the past to life and life to the past. In this brand new program Miller will combine his talents as historian, storyteller and photographer to tell more of the history and the heritage of the Fraser River. Archival images, accompanied by Miller’s own rarely seen photographs and entertaining comments and anecdotes will take the audience back to an earlier age on the river and link the present to years gone by. Over the years, Archie Miller has become known for his unique historical flavour and has always been closely connected to the history of the Fraser and its stories. His walking and cemetery tours are always well attended, and his talks, lectures and slide programs attract large audiences. Admission is by donation with the doors opening at 6:30 and light refreshments being served. Seating is limited and due to Miller’s popularity, pre-registration is recommended. Please call the Discover Centre at 604-521-8401 to reserve your seat. The Fraser River Discovery Centre is an interpretive centre connecting communities in discovery and celebration of the living, working Fraser River. Located at 788 Quayside Drive, New Westminster, the Discovery Centre is open Wednesday to Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Admission is by donation for the exhibit galleries.
Family Days At Queen’s Park One of the main events during the Hyack Festival is Family Days. This family event includes two uniquely different days filled with
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
29
fun and exciting events created with every member of the family in mind. Don’t miss a second of all the great events scheduled for Sunday, May 22nd from 1:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. and Monday, May 23 from 12:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. on the East field in Queen’s Park, New Westminster. Shooting Star Amusements returns to the Hyack Festival in Queen’s Park with favourites such as the Ferris Wheel, Bumper Cars, Sizzler, Spider and more! Bring the family, take a ride and enjoy afterwards hot mini donuts, ice cream or other sweets and treats. At Family Days, there is so much to see and do, two days hardly hold all the fun! Come kick up your heels or just sit back and relax as you enjoy live entertainment from Jazz and Pop to Blues and Rock n’ Roll at the Hyack Centre Stage. Or, simply enjoy a fun time with friends lounging inside our Hyack Beer Garden tent on Sunday from 2:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Let the fur fly as the Royal City Rockets entertain you with their exhilarating show of canine skill and teamwork. Twenty dogs and their handlers tackle a fast agility course, twist through the weave pole challenge and go head to head against the kids team in a Rockets Relay race. Show times are 1:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m. Sunday and Monday. Also stop by the Arts Council’s Arts & Crafts Fair at Centennial Lodge or take a walk to the Children’s Petting Farm and also don’t forget to take a look at the amazing items at the Antique Fair in the Queen’s Park Arenex. Date: Sunday, May 22, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. to Monday, May 23, 2011 at 4:00 p.m.
Community Safety Grant The City of New Westminster and New Westminster Community Policing Committee (NWCPC) have partnered together to offer residents an opportunity to come together and
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t talk about community safety by offering the Community Safety Grant. The Community Safety Grant aims to encourage local residents and merchants to participate in community safety and livability by hosting neighbourhood safety meetings and events. These safety meetings or events are used as a forum to talk about crime prevention, whereby police staff or volunteers would like to attend and talk to your group or host an information booth. The Community Safety Grant is a way to promote safe, livable and cohesive neighbourhoods, which in turn build the best community in which to live, work and play. For more information on the Community Safety Grant visit www.newwestpolice.org or www.newwestcity.ca.
“New To You” Sale At Bonsor Sunday, June 5, 2011 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Bonsor Recreation Complex 6550 Bonsor Avenue, Burnaby 604-297-4597 What better way to recycle! It’s time to clear out the garage or attic and recycle those items that could be a treasure to others. During the sale, make sure to take in the mini workshops on how to ‘Clear the Clutter and Simplify Your Life.’ Hot dog barbecue and refreshments can be purchased. Bring your own cup and get a 50 percent discount on your beverage. Free admission for buyers. Vendors: There are still tables left for rental, but they are going quickly! $15.00 per table, register at Bonsor and take a look at the floor plan! Only gently used items are to be sold, no new items please. continued on page 30
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30
May 2011
SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicineb Open House As part of Naturopathic Medicine Week, we are hosting a free health and wellness event for the New Westminster community. We are opening our doors on Saturday, May 14 and inviting families to Discover Naturopathic Medicine at our annual Open House. The day is themed around the prevention and treatment of chronic disease and will feature free health testing and consultations, educational talks and hands-on demonstrations. For more information, contact Amy Juschka, BA, MJ, Communications Officer Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine by phone at 604-777-9981 ext. 227, fax 604-777-9982, email ajuschka@binm.org or online at www.binm.org.
Rain Barrels and Backyard Composters Rain Barrels and Backyard Composters can now be picked up from the Engineering Operations Works Yard at 901 First St. between the hours of 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. 75 Gallon Rain Barrels, $75 (includes tax) available for purchase now. 80 Gallon Backyard Composters, $30 (includes tax) available for purchase now.
Cash or cheque only. To confirm availability of stock, please contact Engineering Operations at 604-526-4691.
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church 486 E. Columbia Street, New Westminster. Sunday Services 11:00 a.m. include philosophy, healing, and mediumship. Tuesday Evening Programs feature many alternate healing modalities or mediumship demonstrations. Healing 7:00 p.m. to 7:25 p.m. (free). Evening program 7:30 p.m. $6 members/$8 non. Join us for these exciting events which may change your life. Healing Clinics by donation 1st Saturday of every month starting at 11:00 a.m. Reservations 604-588-9624. Visit us online at www.ubsc.ca for more details. May 3 Ann Siddaway: Novice Night May 10 British Medium Brenda Hanley Button: Demonstration of Mediumship May 17 Keryll Harwood: Open Circle May 24 Ted Kuntz: Peace Begins With Me May 31 Glenda McLeod and Ann Siddaway: Mediumship City Scene End
Call to Book Your Ad Today!
604-525-9027
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
Coming Fall 2011...
31
Westminster Pier Park In spring 2009, the City of New Westminster acquired a section of waterfront property as the site for a future Downtown park. Planning for Westminster Pier Park got underway in fall 2009 after the City received $16.6 million in funding from the Provincial and Federal governments under the Building Canada Fund.
Item
Status
Park Master Plan
COMPLETE
Remediation Investigation
COMPLETE
Park Detailed Design
COMPLETE
Site Preparation & Fencing
COMPLETE
Contaminated Soil Removal
COMPLETE
Wharf Demolition
COMPLETE
Piling & Decking
in progress
Park Construction Contract
AWARDED
Foundation Construction & Servicing
in progress
Groundwater Treatment
in progress
Earthworks
in progress
Building Construction & Concrete Work Summer 2011 start Soft Landscaping (planting) Project Cost:
$25.1 million*
Fall 2011 Completion:
Fall 2011
* $16.6 million - Building Canada Fund $8.3 million - City of New Westminster $100 thousand - Brownfield Remediation Fund $100 thousand - Green Municipal Fund
www.newwestcity.ca
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32
May 2011 Glass Eye A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the
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theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Ponder These If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
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May 2011
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Yeah, he’s the delivery guy from Domino’s Pizza.”
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
E COLUMBIA ST
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
34
May 2011
FREE CARWASH WITH THIS OFFER! Things Mom Would Never Say “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.” “Just leave all the lights on… it makes the house look more cheery.”
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
“Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for
ADULT
another week.” “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s
THE PSYCHIC
good enough for me.” “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.” “I don’t have a tissue with me… just use your sleeve.”
A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, “SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE.”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket… the wind-
SHARING SOULS
chill is bound to improve.”
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery
I’M GOING TO BE A MINISTER, MOM
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful
Submitted by Judy Bishop
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
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shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come
May Day as we know it in New Westminster was first held in 1870 with Nellie McColl crowned the Queen of the May.
quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’s been tellin’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.” They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
RAISIN Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
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36
May 2011 HOW TO GET THEM THERE A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Good Friday and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her.” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re
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coming for Easter… and they’re paying their own way.”
I HEARD THAT An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to
Postal
have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month
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to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect… your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
37
HARRY THE HUNTER A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. “Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter.
Do You Have a Book Waiting to be Published? My Story
“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying
Have you considered making an e-book?
there alone and carried the deer back?” “It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”
Yors T Rooley
ART A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
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then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
SHY MAYO What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door? “Close the door, I’m dressing!”
OLD I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that is the definition of ‘OLD’!!
FISH FRY DAY A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m
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38
May 2011
Funeral Procession
I NEED A PUSH
Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road.
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The first man was setting up for his swing,
The husband rolls over and looks at the
when a funeral procession went by on the
clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.”
road. He stopped, faced the procession for a
I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he
moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock
hearse passed by. Only when the procession
follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes
had passed out of view did he resume playing,
downstairs, opens the door, and there’s
driving his ball to the green.
a man standing there. It didn’t take the
As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give
of respect for the the deceased back there. I
me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past
had no idea you were so sentimental.”
three and I was in bed,” says the man as
The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”
he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the
HOUSE CALL
way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
It was the middle of the night. Suddenly
and you had to knock on that man’s house
there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door,
to get us started again? What would have
followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust
happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
his head out of the window. “WELL?” he
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
shouted.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs
“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”
our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed
TGIF
again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth
He opens the door, and not being able to
day this week you’ve had to stay after school.
see the stranger anywhere. He shouts, “Hey,
What have you to say for yourself?
do you still want a push?”
I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2011
39
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
It’s the Law Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
SMILE
Law of the telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Submitted by Trevor Batstone
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic
The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body:
lanes), the one you were in will start to move
An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with
faster than the one you are in now. (It works
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”
every time.)
Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of
thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all
meeting someone you know increases when
on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence
you are with someone you don’t want to be
the smile.”
seen with.
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to
“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30,
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then,” inquires the Inspector. Says the coroner, “Thought he was having his picture taken.”
THE CAPTAIN & THE SEAMAN Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
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40
May 2011
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