July 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 130
Construction of New Westminster’s new Multi Use Civic Facility gets underway. See special feature on page 14.
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
301-12th St, New Westminster 604-377-5889 • ken@myfirstcar.ca • myfirstcar.ca
2
July 2011
Mayor Wayne Wright
Canada Day is Friday, July 1 Celebrate the best Country in the world in the best City in the Country!
Catch them while they‛re laughing‌
advertise in Piffle Magazine!
Chris Sargent publisher@piffle.ca 604-525-9027 Rocky Della Serra rocky@piffle.ca
604-341-9215
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July 2011
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July 2011
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing
Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.
Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm
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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
5
12TH ANNUAL ROYAL CITY SHOW & SHINE
12TH STREET MUSIC FESTIVAL
Taking place on Columbia Street on Sunday July 10
July 31, 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
Please contact Lynn Christie or Oana Frentoni Phone: 604-524-4996 Fax: 604-536-0033 E-mail: info@downtownnewwest.ca
22ND ANNUAL FRASERFEST July 23 – 24, New Westminster Quay Boardwalk This is a two-day event which includes opening night festivities, fireworks, the Hyack centre stage, local community vendors/artisans, kids’ rides and games, a mascot march, the Lucille Johnstone workboat parade, fire dancers, a sunset ceremony, Tricycle Races, Port Metro Vancouver Harbour Tours, boat building with Port Metro Vancouver, crafts with the Arts Council, children’s activities with New Westminster’s Parks, Culture and Recreation, Samson V Maritime Museum Tour and a showcase of the treasures of the Fraser River Discovery Centre.
The 12th Street Music Festival is coming and it has doubled in size to four stages. Sixth and 12th Avenue we will feature Sami Ghawi and “Fusion Presents” with a number of big band favourites. Join us at the Kids Zone stage featuring young entertainers and hosted by the popular Burnaby Band “Rainshadow”. Not to miss the “Caribbean Blast” stage hosted by “Maffie and Crew” and featuring a number of Caribbean acts and ethnic foods. At the top stage, 12th and 10th, a number of tribute acts will be performing which is hosted by none other than “Really Rod Stewart”. Add to those great musical moments a “Festival of Wheels”, a show time for all you car and motorcycle buffs, a Pig Roast which will hit the pit at 5:00 a.m. and be ready for lunch. A kids Zone with a Big Top of crafts and kids activities and Bouncy Castles, The Youth Center is hosting a “Dunk Tank” and there will be dance demonstrations. A good variety of ethnic food awaits you at the ‘Taste of 12th including the popular Kiwanis Cedar Plank Salmon.
N.W. CHAMBER OF COMMERCE FREE SEMINAR! Thursday, July 28, 9:45 a.m. to 12:15 p.m. New Westminster Public Library, 716 Sixth Avenue, New Westminster “Social Media Marketing Made Simple for Small Business”. Presented by Guy Steeves of Constant Contact.
The “Community Focus” section will present many non profit booths and City initiatives such as Emergency Preparedness, Police and Fire, Waste/Composting, Heritage tours by Archie and Dale Miller, the King and Queen of New West heritage. Many more new activities sign on daily.
Come and join us on July 31st and see it all at the 2011 “12th Street Music Festival.”
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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July 2011 Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: chrissasrgent@piffle.ca
604-525-9027
Magazine Locally Owned & Published
Rocky Della Serra, Sales Rep Email: rocky@piffle.ca
Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
ALL THAT’S LEFT
604-525-9027
Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca A villager passing by asked, “How do you
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
know it will rain?” Quasimodo replied, “I have a hunch.”
He’s alright now!
SIGNS YOU MAY BE CANADIANS DISHES
1. You understand the phrase “Could you
Knock-knock.
pass me a serviette, I just spilled my
Who’s there?
poutine.”
Dishes.
2. You eat chocolate bars not candy bars.
Dishes who?
3. You drink POP not SODA
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
4. You know that a mickey and 2-4’s mean “party at the camp!!”
CANADIAN ROMANTIC HUSBAND
5. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba,
Man said to wife “Alright you sexy thing,
its a cheap place to travel with good
upstairs now.”
cigars.
She looked at him and said “Ooh, you kinky man.”
6. Pike is a type if fish, not part of a highway.
He said “No, seriously, hockey is starting, now take off, eh.”
7. You drive on a highway, not a freeway. 8. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
THE THERAPIST
9. You know what a touque is.
A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.”
10. Your local paper covers the national news on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey. 11. Your know four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
QUASIMODO
12. You understand the Labatt Blue
Submitted by Ken Desmarais
Quasimodo was walking through the Village shouting loudly, “Go inside, it’s about to rain! Go inside, it’s about to rain!”
commercials. 13. You perk up when you hear the theme from Hockey Night in Canada. 14. You are in grade 12 not 12th grade.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
7
Celebrate Canada Day at Queen’s Park! 778-773-0546
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
www.bettymcintosh.ca
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com 15. “EH” is a very important part of your vocabulary.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
16. You actually get these jokes and want to send them to your friends.
FLYING If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
SMILE LIKE A NEWFIE Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.” Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. Says the coroner… “Thought he was having his picture taken.”
Leah Yallop Massage Therapy Registered Massage Therapist MSP, ICBC accepted
604-374-0352 114 Glover Ave | New Westminster, BC www.leahyallopmassagetherapy.com
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8
July 2011
ENGLISH SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: GUESTS
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving
ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY
Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
TWO OLD GUYS TALKING Submitted by Larry & Laura Sargent
One said to the other: “My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV”. Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!” First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MY KIND OF GAL
Alone. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
“I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else.” – Britney Spears
that the chicken crossed the road, and that
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy
was good enough for us. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs
chicken did, but I will defend to the death its
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
right to do it.
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no
Pettry amzanig huh?
chicken has gone before. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
JOHN The manager of a large office noticed a new
Celebrating Canada
man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith,
Councillor BILL HARPER • 778-227-4869
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10
July 2011 YOU DON’T GET TO HEAVEN BY DEEDS ALONE A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”
CARBON MONOXIDE
Carbon monoxide (CO) is a poisonous gas that you cannot see, smell or taste. It is produced by the incomplete burning of fuels such as natural gas, propane, heating oil, kerosene, coal, charcoal or wood. Improperly installed or poorly maintained appliances that run on these fuels may create unsafe levels of CO. Therefore, it is important that such appliances are installed and regularly maintained by trained service technician. In enclosed spaces such as your home, cottage or recreational vehicle, even a small amount of CO is dangerous.
“No!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?” Again the answer was “No!” “Well”, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta
SYMPTOMS
Exposure to CO can cause flu-like symptoms such as headaches, nausea, dizziness, burning eyes, confusion, drowsiness and even loss of consciousness. In very severe cases, CO poisoning can cause death. Older people, people with heart or breathing problems, children and pets may experience the effects earlier than others. At any time, if you or anyone else in your home is experiencing the symptoms of CO poisoning, immediately get everyone out of the house and seek medical help. Call 911.
CARBON MONOXIDE ALARMS
All carbon monoxide alarms should bear the CSA seal of approval. At least one alarm should be installed at knee-height, near the sleeping area of your home, cottage and recreational vehicle. You may need more than one alarm if sleeping areas are on more than one level. Refer to the manufacturer’s instructions for more information about proper use and maintenance of your alarms. If a CO alarm sounds in your home, cottage or recreational vehicle, open all doors and windows to ventilate. If you cannot find the problem and the alarm continues, leave the building and contact a qualified service technician to check your fuel-burning equipment.
DANGER SIGNS
• Symptoms of CO poisoning • Stale or stuffy air • Smell of gas when the fuel-burning appliance turns on • Pilot light on your fuel-burning appliance goes out • Chalky white powder forms on the chimney or exhaust vent pipe • Excessive moisture forms on windows and walls • CO alarm sounds
Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
be dead!”
TRUSTED FRIENDS A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. “I am going to die tonight,” and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me.” The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, “I can’t hide what I’ve done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted.” Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing.” Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
11
House Prices on the Rise
by Lori Pappajohn
The housing real estate market in New Not all houses are selling for more than they Westminster was hot during May and June with are listed at, said Ed Goss, but seeing the ones several properties selling over list price. that do heralds a change in the market. Local realtor Ed Goss with Park Georgia Tracey Davies of Park Georgia Realty is Realty said offshore money buying up houses in selling one of the more expensive houses in Vancouver is putting Vancouver prices out of reach. New Westminster. The unique one-of-a-kind And people are turning to New Westminster. 910 Massey Street home (Massey Heights) is In the past New Westminster was listed at $1,595,000. undervalued, said Ed Goss, but now that Tracey Daives too, notes that the pressure on people are discovering the city, its many lovely the housing market in Vancouver is affecting sales neighborhoods and its low real estate prices, it is in New Westminster. In June, Tracey Davies was now on buyers’ radar screens. assisting fellow Park Georgia colleague Ippolita It was just last year that residential houses in Corcione with a busy mutiple offer evening at a New Westminster broke the $1 million barrier, listing in south Vancouver. The house sold that other than in Queen’s Park which had already evening for $82,000 over the list price. hit that mark. And this spring a house on East Tracey Davies said the West End especially 8th Ave. sold in just three days for $900,000. The has experienced rising prices. She added that the house was completely renovated and boasts a highest priced recent residential sale was in the spectacular view, said Ed Goss. “ In the past New Westminster was undervalued but now that “Two years ago that house people are discovering the city, its many lovely neighborhoods would have sold for $750,000.” and its low real estate prices, it is now on buyers’ radar screens.” He added that in June a Mssey — Ed Goss Heights house was listed for $898,000, but sold for $966,000. Elsewhere, a house in the 1400 block 8th Ave. West End this past spring with the home selling which would have been listed at $529,000 several for $1.5 million. months ago, was listed in June at $559,900 but Meanwhile, Dave Vallee of RE/MAX sold for $575,000. The buyers plan to demolish Advantage Realty said house prices have the house, so were simply paying lot value. increased about 10% in New Westminster since This spring, Ed Goss sold a house on 12th last winter, while apartments and condos haven’t Avenue in Burnaby, near Cumberland, which he increased and in some instances have dropped. listed for $610,000. He had 14 offers and it sold “It’s a perfect time to move from a house to a for $675,000. condo. You could gain $50,000 to $60,000 in the “The last comparable sale in the transaction,” he said. neighbourhood had been $560,000,” he said. Dave Vallee, who has sold two houses in the “This has come at us so fast,” Ed Goss said West End each over $1 million, notes that the of the rising prices. “People are afraid that with West End has become popular. these prices, they won’t get into the market. So a “We’re seeing more people coming from outside house listed for $600,000 has six people after it of New Westminster to buy. Vancouver people are and it sells for $645,000.” coming here because the prices are cheaper.”
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12
July 2011
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Wilfrid Laurier in 1907 Submitted by Jim Nicholas
WILFRID LAURIER ON BEING CANADIAN IN 1907: “In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes a Canadian and assimilates himself to us, He shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet a Canadian, and nothing but a Canadian… There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is a Canadian, but something else also, isn’t a Canadian at all.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.
We have room for but one flag, the Canadian flag… And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the Canadian people.”
GOD IS WATCHING ADVICE TO OLD GUYS
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was
head of the table was a large pile of apples.
working out at the gym when he spotted a
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple
young woman on the Stairmaster.
tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
He asked his personal trainer, “What machine in here should I use to impress the young over there?” The trainer looked him up and down and replied, “I don’t believe that even the ATM machine would work for you gramps.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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July 2011
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2-year Locked-in TERM DEPOSIT
2.5
*Rates are subject to change without notice. Terms and conditions apply.
Brentwood Office
Lougheed Office
Mon to Thurs 9:30am - 5:00pm Friday 9:30am - 6:00pm Saturday 10:00am - 2:00pm
Tue to Thurs 9:30am - 5:00pm Friday 9:30am - 6:00pm Saturday 9:30am - 3:00pm
1801 Willingdon Ave. Burnaby | 604-298-3344
9608 Cameron St. Burnaby | 604-421-3456
www.gvccu.com
KINGSGATE
115-370 E Broadway 604 875 8590
BRENTWOOD
1801 Willingdon Ave 604 298 3344
LOUGHEED
9608 Cameron St 604 421 3456
NEW WESTMINSTER 25B-800 McBride Blvd 604 525 1414
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SURREY
1-9989 152nd St 604 584 4434
14
Construction of New Westminster’s new
EARLIER THIS YEAR, construction activity began on a new Multi Use Civic Facility in the City’s Downtown. Planning for the new facility has involved input from local citizens, organizations and city staff and the result will be an iconic structure offering new amenities to residents and visitors alike when it is completed in 2013.
Where is the funding for the project coming from?
What will I find inside the Multi Use Civic Facility?
Funding for the new facility was negotiated by the City through the Development Assistance Compensation (DAC) agreement, which outlines the use of $60.5 million of gaming funding for five priority projects. The DAC agreement was signed by the City of New Westminster, the Province of British Columbia, British Columbia Lottery Corporation and Gateway Casinos. $35 million has been allocated to DAC Priority Project 2 — the Downtown Multi Use Civic Facility and the funding agreement requires the project to be complete by December 2013. The office tower connected to the new Multi Use Civic Facility is being funded and constructed independently by Uptown Property Group.
The Multi Use Civic Facility will include the following: ■ conference and meeting facilities with room for a 500-seat reception ■ flexible 350-seat non-proscenium theatre ■ multi-purpose rooms and multi-purpose art studios ■ civic art gallery and gift shop ■ City’s Museum and Archives ■ Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame ■ Tourism New Westminster’s visitor information desk ■ restaurant at the corner of Eighth and Columbia Streets
Piffle Special Fe ature
15
Multi Use Civic Facility gets underway How did the City choose the programming components of the building? Planned uses within the civic facility had to be “DAC eligible”, meaning that they could be covered under available funding. The DAC agreement stipulates that the project must: contribute to economic development, include convention/conference space and be in the Downtown neighbourhood. With these stipulations in mind, the City drew on recommendations from studies and plans that identified needs and gaps within the community. These past studies included the Downtown Community Plan, New Westminster Convention Centre Market Study, Parks and Recreation Comprehensive Master Plan, New Westminster Theatre Strategy, Museum & Archives Feasibility Strategy, Arts Strategy, Arts Centre Study and the Tourism Plan.
What will the main lobby look like? The main lobby will be a celebratory public space that is welcoming, accessible and awe-inspiring. It will include: ■ a large, airy atrium that allows plenty of natural light and views to the outside ■ main glass doors that can slide open onto Columbia Street to allow for indoor/outdoor festivals ■ a flexible layout that enables a variety of floor configurations from smaller meetings to large banquets
Why is the City partnering with a private office developer? The City is partnering with Uptown Property Group to maximize the use of the DAC funds and leverage the project for increased economic, environmental and social community benefits. The office tower proposal will bring the following benefits: ■ LEED Gold, Class A office space to the Downtown neighbourhood ■ generation of approximately 400–500 jobs in the Downtown ■ economies of scale on infrastructure, site costs and common facilities ■ City fees payable by UPG up to $500,000 ■ generation of $50 million in property taxes over 50 years to help offset the operational costs of the civic facility ■ added diversification of the Downtown economy ■ ability to use office parking stalls during non-business hours to provide additional parking for the civic facility during peak times ■ spin-off effects for other businesses and services in the Downtown neighbourhood Th is project is still undergoing final revisions. For more information, please contact the Development Services Department at 604-527-4532.
■ grand stairs that invite and intrigue visitors to the different spaces within the building
How large will the building be? The Multi Use Civic Facility will be four storeys (approximately 60 feet in height) and will have 84,000 square feet of interior space. Above the civic facility will be an eight storey, 130,000 square foot office building. Together, the total height of the building will be approximately 160 feet.
Piffle Special Fe ature
16
July 2011
PARTNERS IN GOLF “How was your game, dear?” asked Larry’s wife Laura.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Know your limit,
Reverse Draw plus Music by Cal Donnelly on July 16th!
play within it.
60/40 & MEAT DRAWS every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered. “But you’re 65 years old, Larry!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take your neighbour Dale along?” “But he’s old to and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Larry. “But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Laura pointed out. The next day Larry teed off with Dale looking on. Larry swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Larry “Yup,” Dale answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Larry, peering off
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
INFRARED SAUNA MASSAGE THERAPY All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans
To book an appointment call
604.525.2008
into the distance. “I forgot.”
FUNNY WINDOWS MESSAGES 1.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
17
5. This will end your Windows session. Do
and anticipation written all over his face,
you want to play another game?
the clerk quickly measured out the cloth,
6. Windows message: “Error saving file!
wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it
Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
out. The girl took the bag and pointed to
7. This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
8. To “shut down” your system, type “WIN” 9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
THE SHOEBOX When a woman got married she put
10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
years of marriage she was dying and told
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
him to open the box. When he opened it
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF:
there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He
Incompetent User.
ask why this was in the box. She replied
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
“when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was.
16. 16.User Error: Replace user.
She replied that’s the money from selling
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0: “Windows found:
the doilies.
Remove it? (Y/N)” 18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
MOSQUITOES Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They’re coming after us with flashlights.
TEN YARDS OF KISSES At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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18
July 2011
CHICKEN LITTLE
Hearing this, the young panther halts his
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “and so Chicken Little
attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been
went up to the farmer and said, “The sky
watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
is falling, the sky is falling!”
figures he can put this knowledge to good
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my
OLD DOG AND THE PANTHER
back and see what’s going to happen to that
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
conniving canine!”
An old German Shepherd starts chasing
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the
rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s
panther coming with the squirrel on his back
lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther
and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,”
heading rapidly in his direction with the
but instead of running, the dog sits down
intention of having lunch. The old German
with his back to his attackers, pretending
Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep pugh
he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they
pugh now!”
get close enough to hear, the old German
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching
Shepherd says… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
cat. Just as the panther is about to leap,
Moral of this story… Don’t mess with the
the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I
youth and treachery! B.S. and brilliance only
wonder, if there are any more around here?”
come with age and experience.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS The origin of the name “Canada” comes from the expedition of explorer Jacques Cartier up the St. Lawrence River in 1535. The Iroquois pointing out the route to the village of Stadacona, the future site of Quebec City. They used a Huron-Iroquois word for village that became “Canada.” What is the original word?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 12
July 2011
19
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20
July 2011 S O M E T I M E S Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Sometimes… when you cry… no one sees your tears. Sometimes… when you are in pain… no one sees your hurt. Sometimes… when you are worried… no one sees your stress. Sometime… when you are happy… no one sees your smile. But FART! just ONE friggin’ time… and everybody knows! I bet you thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
THE SUCCESSFUL ATTORNEY Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver’s door.
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Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
21
“You are so focused on your possessions
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
that you neglect the most important
You can eat supper at 4 PM.
things in life.”
You can live without sex but not your
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
glasses. You get into heated arguments about
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing?
pension plans. You no longer think of speed limits as a
It was severed when the truck hit you!” “OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer! “My Rolex!”
challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with elevator music.
PERKS OF TURNING 80 Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate
No one expects you to run… anywhere.
meteorologists than the national weather
People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake
service.
you?”
Your secrets are safe with your friends
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
manageable size.
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22
July 2011 DRUM LESSIONS Judge: Haven’t I seen you before? Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums. Judge: Twenty years!
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MOM’S WISDOM Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
THE BAD LIST Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my bourbon. They are SO on my bad list…
NICE TRY SHERLOCK The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
THE INVATATION What did the spider email to the fly? Visit my Web site!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
23
Po e t ’s
New Westminster is Alive With Poetry
Poetry In The Park is just one of the many poetry events taking place in the Royal City this year. This “summertime event” will run during the months of July and August every Wednesday night from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. in the Queen’s Park Bandshell. There will be featured poets and open mic poets weaving their words throughout the airwaves rain or shine. If it rains, there is cover in the
sheltered picnic table area and you can still enjoy the poetry! Some of the featured poets we have lined up are very established and firmly ensconced in the Canadian Poetry Scene. Candice James, New Westminster’s Poet Laureate kicks off the Poetry In The Park series on July 6th at 7:00 p.m. Also featuring throughout the summer are Manolis, David Fraser, Jillian Campbell, Dennis Bolen &
Soressa Gardner, Ben Nuttall Smith, Jane Munro, to name a few. Other poetic events happening in New Westminster are Poetic Justice every Sunday 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. at the Heritage Grill, Slam Central 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. every 2nd Thursday at the Heritage Grill, Poetry evenings at Java Jazz 5:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. varied evenings so call Java Jazz first.
The following poem was written about a tree in Queen’s Park.
THIS TREE Candice James ©2011 This tree has always been. Through the ages she has seen Love’s initials carved into her bark; Lovers in languished embrace; Sometimes tears on love’s face. Every imprint on time left its mark; An intregal part in love’s hurricane; In warm embrace or angst of pain; Shade in sunlight, umbrella in rain.
This tree has always been Whispering to the wind unseen; Caressed by raindrops and moonglow, Kissed by the tulips, And summer mint juleps, And blanketed with fresh flakes of snow; As the seasons whirl and spin And new seeds grow, begin To poke through soil moist and thin.
This tree has always been In seasonal changing shades of green Decorating life’s parading park; Hide and seek, young children playing Beneath her watchful branches swaying; Home to robin, wren and lark. Stretching tall to reach the skies Sparkling stars, a billion eyes Dreaming to the lovers sighs.
This tree has always been; Winter stark and summer sheen Dancing through each season’s arms; Dressing up in shiny leaves Watching them fall from her sleeves; Falling prey to Autumn’s charms. This tree has always been Stately, lofty and serene, And oh… the sights she’s seen!
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
24
July 2011
A Few Notable Firsts
by The Hainsworths
“W
hat came first?” Whether a person is history-minded or not, the many types of “firsts” never seem to lose their power to fascinate. They can define us personally and also as a people. They record developments, accomplishments, and milestones. All of us on a personal level take note and remember first things, like the firsts of a baby, our first car, the first dollar we earned, and maybe even our first kiss. In our work through researching and writing about New Westminster history, we have always had a list of firsts on the go. Sometimes merely curiosities, but often firsts do spur us on to more writing and research on a certain topic. We are delighted when we can add to our list every once in a while. We not only make note of historical firsts, but also new firsts that occur today, that will be potentially historically significant in the future. This month we have compiled for our column a partial list of “firsts” that we believe might be of interest to our readers. Although this list is in no specific order, it includes a wide variety of interesting facts related to New West, they are as follows: • 1st time Simon Fraser passed by what would become New West, was on July 2, 1808. • 1st parking meters in BC were first put into use in New West on October 24, 1946. • 1st wooden warship to be built in New West was in 1914 on Poplar Island. • 1st wrecking truck driver (tow truck driver) in New West was George Frank Odin. • 1st religious service in the city was in 1859, conducted by Rev. E. White. • 1st established religion in New West was Methodist. • 1st public book collection in the province was in New West. • 1st library in the province was located in New West in 1865.
• 1st official Hyack 1st phone line Battery Uniform was introduced in 1958. to be connected • 1st elected city council in New West was happened on July 17th, from the dock 1860. • 1st mayors in the city where Capt. were first elected as Irving had his presidents. steam boat, to • 1st elected position referred to as mayor his home, now happened in 1871. Irving House • 1st official city council Museum. building was granted in 1889 and was at Agnes and 7th Street. • 1st public common school building in New West opened in April 1863. • 1st school was in a cabin in Rev. R. Jamieson’s garden. • 1st City Police Constable and 1st paid officer was Jonathon Morey in 1873. • 1st Chief Constable was John Wiggins in 1885. • 1st fire department in New West formed in the summer of 1861, and the firemen were all volunteers. • 1st fire engine in New West was called the “Fire King”. • 1st doctor involved in the first radiotherapy cancer treatment in Canada was Dr. Ethlyn Trapp, and although it was not developed here in New West, the doctor was a citizen of this city. • 1st Canadian Medical Association female president was Dr. Ethlyn Trapp. • 1st saloon in New West, called the “Retreat”, was in Sapperton on East Columbia at Brunette. • 1st May Day took place in New West on May 4th, 1870. • 1st shipment of goods to be shipped out of New West was of cabinet wood and cranberries in 1859. • 1st regular telegram received in New West was on April 18, 1865, and was about US president Lincoln’s assassination. • 1st company to connect telegraph lines in New West to other parts of BC was by the Collin’s Overland Telegraph Co., in August 1865. • 1st phone line to be connected in New West was from the dock where Capt. Irving had his steam boat, to his home, now Irving House Museum.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
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• 1st phone number in New West was number: 1, and was Capt. Irving’s phone at the dock. • And the first day the Pattullo Bridge opened was on November 15th, 1937. The photo this month is of the first parking meters in New West, and reads “Parking Meters First in BC”. One hundred and thirty parking meters were put into operation on October 24, 1946, lining Columbia Street between 4th and 8th Streets. The police sergeant at the right is William Fraser, and he was known as “Red”. Red’s first year of working with the City’s police department was in 1936. The civilian in the photo on the left is purported to be a city employee.
BOOK SIGNING ON SUNDAY, JULY 31ST AT 2:00 P.M. 5,378 Tips For a Better Life, Hotter Sex, Fresher Breath, Thicker Hair, Thinner Thighs & Cleaner Laundry! by Linda Cullen (Humour) Linda Cullen, one of Canada’s funniest women, gives you the best of her weekly columns. www.doublexposureradio.com
Dan Mott, the grandson of Mayer W. Mott, donated this photo to the city. This was an official photo given to Mayor Mott, commemorating this “first”. There are many places historical “firsts” might be discovered, one of them being in photographs like this one, and another of these places is in the index of our book, “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was”. You might even decide to start keeping a list of your own on the go. Compiled by Gavin Hainsworth & Katherine FreundHainsworth, Co-Authors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was” (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca.
New George R.R. Jam with others at Renaissance Book Store: Every Tuesday & Martin A DANCE Thursday around 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. join us for the WITH DRAGONS singing circle. Bring your Guitars will be selling in plus any others like harmonica, the Store on July fiddle tunes played here. What better way to learn to play with others and learns some tunes. 12th, 20% off!
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July 2011
Q N X E N A K O I R A T N O S
U F A S W O B S O C I K K S O
E M R W Q P V M P Y B S Y M N
B O J G E J N A Y M M Q V E T
E N O R T H W E S T U Y W E E
C N A J F C C N G C L F Q U R
S A P T O I N T O V O J W R R
Y K J G R U H A A U C T S O I
X U K N N E B U N K H Y I D T
X C K A O O B D K C S Y J A O
F E V O T G L L I A I A T R R
S U G I N A K I A B T C S B I
T I N A N U X J B U I V S A E
S A B D U R X C P R R G D L S
M B K C I W S N U R B W E N P
WORD SEARCH ALBERTA BRITISHCOLUMBIA LABRADOR MANITOBA NEWBRUNSWICK NEWFOUNDLAND NORTHWEST NOVASCOTIA NUNAVUT ONTARIO QUEBEC SASKATCHEWAN TERRITORIES YUKON
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
27
Gallery Sale An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
LIZA’S
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The gentleman was your doctor.”
JOB INTERVIEW QUESTION You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1.
An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.” Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
HOROSCOPES July 2011
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: Much activity surrounding your house of communication. Express your ideas to others but take the time to listen to their feedback. Your ideas hold much power. TAURUS: Your financial position is not a sign of your personal worth. Use your possessions to get the job done as opposed to spending just for the sake of spending money. GEMINI: Your really coming on strong during this time with Mars transiting your 1st house. Your physical energy is high to accomplish what you have only thought about. CANCER: If you feel like your not getting the credit you deserve know in your heart this is not the case. Others are just to busy with their own “stuff” but they do realize your worth. LEO: This is the time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others and you will receive your hearts desire. VIRGO: Much activity on the job front. Authority figures may cause you grief. Listen before reacting, it will help keep the peace and work in your favour. LIBRA: Your beliefs and ideas have the potential to positively influence others during this time. You may be thinking about foreign travel or going back to school. SCORPIO: So are you tired yet of having to deal with other peoples value systems? Just be calm when dealing with others when it concerns money or personal value beliefs. SAGITTARIUS: Reach for cooperation as opposed to individualism. You want complete independence within a partnership however now is the time for unity and not going out on your own. CAPRICORN: Your daily life really picks up the pace. Your putting a lot of energy into your work. Realize others value you; even if you don’t think they do. Try meditation to relieve your anxiety. AQUARIUS: Expressing yourself and enjoying friends takes on a whole new meaning. Self gratification and enjoyment is the name of the game for July: ENJOY! PISCES: Working around the home takes center stage during this time. Tackle all those chores you have been putting off. Don’t forget about what needs to get done on the job front.
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28
July 2011
Sargent’s City Scene World Harp Congress & Festival in Vancouver this July
A
B
C
D
E
This July, the biggest harp festival in the world is coming to Vancouver. The World Harp Congress & Festival, usually held in Europe, is being held this year, for the first time, in Canada — July 24 to 30. During this week-long event, more than 100 of the world’s finest harpists will perform. And some 800 participants are expected to attend from 40 different countries. It is being hailed as a gathering of the world’s greatest harpists. For those of you who love music, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You’ll have a chance hear the world’s leading Irish harpists, Scottish harpists, classical harpists, Baroque harpists, jazz harpists, rock harpists, South American harpists, Chinese harpists… and the list goes on and on. There are numerous concerts and styles of music for you to choose from. For instance, the evening of July 27 at the Vogue Theatre features a double concert with the New Westminster ensemble A Janelle Nadeau of Winter Harp: Celtic/flamenco/world B Lori Pappajohn of Winter Harp: Celtic/flamenco/world
C L egendary harper/bard Patrick Ball D Celso Duarte — smoking hot South American rhythms
Winter Harp and legendary harper/ storyteller Patrick Ball. In a night of pure magic, Patrick Ball will present his soul-stirring account of the life of famed Irish harper/ bard Turlough O’Carolan. His concert is preceded by Winter Harp, Canada’s top harp ensemble. Expect a whirlwind of world, Celtic, Latin and medievalinfluenced music played on harps, rare medieval instruments, flutes and percussion. Another fabulous evening will feature acclaimed New York jazz harpist Park Stickney with Germany’s renowned world harpist Rüdiger Oppermann. Rüdiger has virtuosically surpassed all existing standards on the Celtic harp, taking it where few have dared to go — the depths of Africa, India, Asia — all spiced with fantastic rhythms and exotic flavors. His performances are breathtaking. Their concert is July 28 at the Vogue and is followed by the incredible South American Celso Duarte harp duo. Fantastic rhythms, astonishing technique E N ew York’s Park Stickney & Germany’s Rudiger Oppermann — hot jazz and world duo.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
29
and tunes that will almost have you dancing — these are their hallmarks. There are harp concerts every night from July 24 to 30. So good luck choosing which to see! The World Harp Congress & Festival is centered downtown Vancouver with performances in the Vogue, Orpheum, St. Andrews Wesley Church and St. Paul’s Church. You can find out more about the evening concerts at http://www.worldharpcongress2011.com/ festival/ For information on the World Harp Congress & Festival day time concerts visit the website: www.worldharpcongress2011.com
THE SAFE DRIVER A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?” “No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?” He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him… he’s a smartass when
Candice James, Poet Laureate Presents… Poetic Justice
Every Sunday, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Poetic Justice hosts 3 featured poets followed by open mic every Sunday 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. at the Heritage Grill (back room), 447 Columbia Street.
he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
MEN
Slam Central
The police came to my front door last
July 7 & 21, 7:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Spoken word poetry slam every 2nd Thursday at the Heritage Grill (back room) 7:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Slammers and open mic. Top cash prizes paid for 1st, 2nd, 3rd prize. Cover charge $5.
night holding a picture of my wife, then asked “is this your wife sir?” Shocked I answered, “Yes!” They said “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.” I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the cat.”
Poetry In The Park
Every Wednesday July & August, 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.
PA The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s
Featured Poet and Open Mic
preacher talked at length of the good
July 6: Candice James Poet Laureate July 13: Manolis July 20: David Fraser July 27: Jillian Christmas Contact Candice James at 778-322-1131, saddlestone@shaw.ca for more information. City Scene End
traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”
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30
July 2011
THE GORGEOUS REDHEAD A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well
next table. He had been checking her out
with the children having a wonderful time. But
since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to
the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and
speak to her.
hour, the clown finally called to report that he
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place… “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she said.
was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks.
and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely
They talked, they laughed, she shared her
marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do
deepest dreams and he shared his. She
you think your friend would consider repeating
listened.
this performance for the children at the
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a
party? I would pay him $50!” The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me
nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a
ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD
wonderful, wonderful time.
YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?”
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
“No,” she replied… “You just happened to catch my eye…”
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
BIRTHDAY PARTY
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold
A lady is throwing a party for her
a tomato.
granddaughter, and had gone all out… a
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just
6. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a
before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
glass of milk. 7. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 8. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
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32
July 2011 THE US DEA A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that
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his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
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Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear… do you understand?!!” The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs… “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
“Old” is When… “OLD” IS WHEN… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Choose one, I can’t do both!” “OLD” IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. “OLD” IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. “OLD” IS WHEN… Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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July 2011
33
spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. “OLD” IS WHEN…. You are cautioned to slow down by… The doctor instead of by the police. “OLD” IS WHEN… “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fibre today. “OLD” IS WHEN…. An “all-nighter” means
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1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging
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on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
IN THE HOSPITAL Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” “Whoa!” the second kid replies. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
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Major St
Ward St
Join us for Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner and enjoy $2.50 of your bill with a minimum purchase of $20 before tax. One coupon per table, per visit.
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“OLD” IS WHEN…. You don’t care where your
34
July 2011
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TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1. Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
WRONG ANSWER A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. “I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly… pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” He never heard the shot…
ED & NANCY Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
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July 2011
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He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts,
Kanata is the Huron-Iroquois word for “village” that became Canada.
movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!” Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.” “Oh wow! I see,” Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added,”You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
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36
July 2011 MY BROTHER THE CHICKEN Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.
Three Dead Bodies Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with big smiles on their faces. After the autopsy, the coroner informed the police of the results… The coroner tells the detectives: “The 1st body; an Italian, age 60 died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile.” “The 2nd second body; a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” One of the detectives asked, “And what of the third body?” “Ah!” says the coroner, “This is the most
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name address city Province Phone email
unusual one. Danny Earl, a Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the policeman. Says the coroner: “Thought he was having his picture taken…”
Postal
THE STORM One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small
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boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
37
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: “The big sissy.”
FATHER O’MALLEY A priest from Ireland was assigned to a
Do You Have a Book Waiting to be Published? My Story
Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from
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his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He
Yors T Rooley
then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.
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Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ‘tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
PROUD TO BE CANADIAN A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes
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38
July 2011
Written by a 90 year old This is something we should all read at
11. It’s OK to let your children see you cry. 12. Don’t compare your life to others. You
least once a week! Make sure you read to
have no idea what their journey is all
the end!
about.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio. “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1.
Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it. 14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks. 15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 16. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. 17. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. 18. It’s never too late to have a happy
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer. 20. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets,
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for
6. You don’t have to win every argument.
a special occasion. Today is special.
Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone.
21. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
It’s more healing than crying alone.
22. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age
7. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
23. The most important sex organ is the brain.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
10. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
to wear purple.
26. Always choose life. 27. Forgive everyone everything.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
July 2011
39
28. What other people think of you is none of your business. 29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 32. Believe in miracles. 33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. 34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 35. Growing old beats the alternative… dying young. 36. Your children get only one childhood. 37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back. 40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 41. The best is yet to come… 42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up
Weddings Birthday parties Special occasions… We keep the celebration rolling.
and show up. 43. Yield. 44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70! • Kidnappers are not very interested in you. • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. • No one expects you to run… anywhere. • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
604-514-9996 infinitylimo.ca
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40
July 2011
Happy Canada Day!
FREE MEAT BINGO Thursdays 6pm–9pm
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MEAT & 50/50 DRAWS
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Fridays & Saturdays
KAROKE or LIVE BANDS Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights
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July 16 Friday July 15 + Saturday
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7pm to 11pm